Aquarium

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By the time my mother picked me up the next morning, I was jangly from lack of sleep, buzzing inside. My spine alive as a sea horse fin, fluttering.

You look like a zombie, my mother said. A happy zombie. What did you do?

We swam, I said. Floated.

I didn’t know they had a pool. It must be inside and heated? But their house is small.

Yes, I lied.

The drive was very strange, being in a car, seeing the world outside pass by. All of it had changed. Bright and clear and small, even though there was no sun. The air without distance, the Space Needle as close as any house beside us. The way a fish can hang in stillness if the tank water is clear and calm enough. Suspended, held by nothing at all. Time no longer linked to object, the world muffled and without echo, without pressure, without movement.

I went to bed as soon as we arrived, slept through the afternoon until my mother woke me for dinner.

I don’t know about sleepovers, my mother said. You do need to sleep. They’re not called wakeovers. Shalini’s parents did nothing to make you sleep?

I felt so heavy I couldn’t answer. Lying in some deep-sea trench, all the weight above, unable to keep my eyes open.

I hope you can sleep tonight. We have to get you up and moving for a few hours at least.

My mother pulled me out of bed, made me walk and drink and eat and talk, all of which I observed from far away. All I could think of was Shalini. And then I remembered the old man.

Someone wants to meet you tomorrow, I said. At the aquarium. An old man.

An old man? Someone who works there?

No.

Well who then?

I was still submerged. I regretted trying to talk about this with her. Just someone.

Do you know him?

Yes.

How?

We talk about the fish. He’s kind of like the three-spot frogfish. His hair and his old hands.

How long has this been going on?

I don’t know.

You’ve been talking with some old man and you didn’t tell me?

I closed my eyes and drifted back down, the pull irresistible.

Caitlin. My mother grabbed my chin and made me look up at her. I was sitting at the table and she was standing. What is his name?

I don’t know.

Has he made any plans with you?

What?

Has he offered to take you anywhere?

I couldn’t think. No, I said, and then I remembered. Just the Sea of Cortez, in Mexico, to see manta rays. They do backflips.

Caitlin! my mother yelled. That voice jolted me awake. Fear in both of us. You are not leaving school tomorrow, she said. You are going to stay right there. And I’ll come as soon as I can, then we’ll drive to the aquarium, and we’ll arrive with the police.

No, I said. He’s my friend.

Has he touched you?

What?

Has he touched you?

No. I mean I just sat with him and he hugged me. He was helping me.

Has he ever touched your chest?

No. I mean yeah, but just because I was panicking and my heart was going fast.

Caitlin! My mother slapped me, hard. How can you be so fucking stupid?

I was crying and running for my room, but my mother was pulling me back, grabbing at me. Sweet pea, she was saying. I’m sorry. Caitlin, I’m so sorry.

She tackled me in the hallway. She was crying. Caitlin, Caitlin, my baby. I’m sorry. But you can’t do this to me.

I hadn’t done anything. And I kept twisting, trying to get away from her, but she had clamped down tight and wasn’t letting go.

Baby, she said. Did he say he loved you?

Yes.

My mother howled, some deep animal pain. Her entire body shaking as she cried. Her arm tight across my neck and her wet cheek against mine. I was so frightened. I didn’t know what had happened.

I have to call the police, she said. I have to call right now, so they can be ready tomorrow.

Please don’t, I said. But my mother left me on the floor and went to the kitchen to call. I went to my bed and hid under the comforter and felt so sorry for the old man. He was kind. He was only good. And tomorrow he’d be sitting there on the bench or looking at some fish in a tank and the police would come in and grab him and take him away and I’d never see him again. And there was no way to warn him.

I could hear my mother on the phone. He touched her. She’s only twelve. He had plans to take her away to Mexico. He told her he loved her.