Aquarium

~ ~ ~

I slept that night only because I was exhausted, and I kept waking from dreams of panic, being chased, and that feeling remained in the day, the closest I’ve ever felt to doom. My hour-and-a-half wait at school in the fluorescent hallways was unbearable. Shalini arrived only a few minutes before class, and she was smiling but then saw my face.

What’s wrong? she asked.

The police are coming. There’s an old man I’ve been talking to, in the aquarium. He’s my friend.

Shalini didn’t understand, and what I saw then was something new. The police taking me away from my mother, because she had left me alone with an old man, because she wasn’t there. No parent or guardian.

I couldn’t breathe. My heart yanking.

Caitlin! she said, and I woke up in the nurse’s office, on a thin bed with my feet up on pillows. No Shalini. Only a nurse.

Where’s my mother?

Shh, the nurse said. She was a big woman. You need to rest. You’re okay. We’ve called your mother and she can’t leave work right now. She’ll be here this afternoon by two thirty.

The room cold and empty, sterile, a large window of gray, day without light. No clouds visible but only a deadening, no air, all come close.

The nurse left me, and I lay still for a very long time, cocooned, staring out that window into nothing. I wanted Shalini.

Then another woman came in. Hi Caitlin, she said. I’m Evelyn. I’m here just to say hello, to find out how you’re feeling. You can talk with me.

She was watching my eyes, my mouth. She sat in a rolling office chair and scooted closer. How are you feeling?

I don’t know.

Are you tired?

Yes.

Are you sad?

Yes.

What are you sad about?

Evelyn was staring at me as if I were in a tank, some new species first swimming in the open to be observed. My arms become fins again, but not of lace or leaves. They felt heavy as rock, fins made of stone, unable to grab at the water. Stuck on the ocean floor, held down as eyes peered in, magnified.

Caitlin, you can talk to me. Are you worried about something?

She would take me away from my mother. I knew that. I knew she had the power to twist the world and change everything. I had to tell her nothing. I’m okay, I said.

You don’t seem okay.

I just didn’t feel like eating breakfast. I’m dizzy. I need some food.

Okay. Evelyn didn’t believe me, I could tell. Your cheek seems a little bit puffy, she said. Did your mother hit you?

The police came in next. They weren’t waiting for my mother. A man and a woman, then the man left. This woman wore a pistol and baton, a padded jacket. As if the old man or my mother were dangerous and might attack.

You are Caitlin Thompson?

I nodded.

Birthdate September 24, 1982?

Yes.

Mother Sheri Thompson, birthdate July 7, 1961?

Yes.

Please give a description of the man you’ve met at the Seattle Aquarium. The policewoman wasn’t even looking at me. Focused on her notepad. She had a ponytail and was younger than my mother. She smelled like shoe polish and leather.

He’s my friend.

What does he look like?

Like the three-spot frogfish.

Please describe how he looks.

He’s not guarding eggs, but he has the same splotchy skin.

The woman lowered her pad and looked at me finally. Caitlin, she said. You have to help me here. I’m trying to protect you. Has this man touched you?

It was only hugs. Just being nice to me.

How often has he done this?

I don’t know.

How often?

Maybe a couple times. He’s my friend.

Has he touched your chest?

Just because I was afraid. I was panicking.

What were you panicking about?

I can’t say.

You can’t say?

No.

Caitlin, this man is in big trouble, and you are in big trouble. You need to tell me everything. I can stay here all day, and all tomorrow, and all of the next day and every day until you tell me everything. You cannot make me go away. Do you understand?

I hate you.

That’s okay. You can hate me. But you’re going to tell me everything. What were you panicking about?

I closed my eyes and tried to sink down into the deepest water, into darkness. My heart pumping fast, red flashes in my eyelids, but I would sink where she could not reach me, where no one could reach me.

Caitlin, she was saying again, but muffled and weak and far away, and she would not touch me. I knew that. They all cared so much about touching, they wouldn’t dare. So I could close my eyes and sink away and there was nothing they could do. They’d never find out about Inspector Bigby or no parent or guardian or what the old man looked like or what had happened between us. If I could fall down far enough, I would be safe.