Beloved

Chapter Twenty-Three

Entering the upscale Manhattan law firm of Coogan, Goldstein & Leibowitz, the fear of the unknown is choking the life out of me. I have no idea what to expect or what my father could have left for me. All I keep thinking about are the possibilities—I could get answers today, or more questions. Why was I required to come to the office? Why couldn’t they have mailed me the paperwork? Is there something here I need to see? I can’t answer any of these questions, but they keep coming. What if he left some kind of video? Will I want to watch it? With each new thought comes a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. My fight or flight reflexes are in high gear, and if it weren’t for Jackson holding my hand, I’d be fleeing back into the elevator and getting the hell out of here.

Jackson gives my hand a small squeeze and I look at his apprehensive face. “I know you said we should do this today, but you’re pale and shaking.”

I’m shaking? I didn’t even notice.

“I’m just nervous because of all the possibilities. I don’t know what to expect. What if he had another kid and they’re here?” I somehow manage to choke the words out.

Stopping, he releases my hand and moves to cradle my head. My heart rate slows at his gentle touch. His eyes penetrate my fear and his voice is tender. “I’ll be here the whole time. All that’s going to happen is the lawyer will read the will, you’ll find out what you were left, and then we’ll go. No matter who else is here, if you don’t want to deal with them, you don’t. Okay?”

I give him a nod, trying to keep myself together while drawing strength from him.

We enter the office. It’s nondescript and simple—and empty. More than anything I’m grateful for this because if there were a long lost sister sitting here, I might have collapsed. Jackson’s strong hand grips mine. He’s pretty focused on making sure I’m not having an emotional breakdown. As long as he’s here, I’m okay.

Mr. Goldstein enters and shakes our hands. “Catherine, I’m Avi Goldstein. I’m the lawyer in charge of your father’s estate.”

“Nice to meet you. This is Jackson Cole, my …”

“Boyfriend,” Jackson finishes matter-of-factly.

My head whips around to look at him. Boyfriend? Well that was unexpected. After the last date we had, I guess it’s true, but it still shocks me. He didn’t hesitate or question, he seemed proud to say it. The smile on his face rocks me. I’m sure it mirrors mine, and I’m also sure my heart grew to twice its size.

Mr. Goldstein clears his throat and begins. “Nice to meet you both. I’m very sorry for your loss, Ms. Pope. I know these proceedings are hard, especially when you lose a loved one suddenly. Whether it’s a father, mother, or spouse it’s never easy. I hope you can find peace and closure.” Jackson’s hand releases mine abruptly. When I look at him, he seems anxious, uncomfortable. The loss of his warmth and support leaves me bereft. Jackson shoves his hand in his pocket and looks away.

“Thank you, Mr. Goldstein,” I say with a tremble in my voice. There will be no closure because I’ve gained no answers. I don’t even know how you close something that was never opened.

“Please, call me Avi. I assure you this is the least favorite part of my job. I was on your side not too long ago when my wife passed, so I’ll try to make this as easy as possible,” Avi says with a smile.

Suddenly Jackson gets up and walks over to the window. I can see his chest rising and falling powerfully.

“Jackson?”

He looks over with sadness in his eyes before returning to his seat.

“You were saying, Mr. Goldstein,” Jackson says. Any trace of sadness is gone, replaced by the mask of determination I’ve come to know so well.

Avi nods and begins. “I’ll get down to it. Your father’s estate is rather simple. You’re his next of kin. There are no other living relatives, so everything he possessed when he passed is now yours. There is a house in New Jersey as well as some cash and stocks. You were also named as his beneficiary on his life insurance. However, I asked you here so I could give you a letter from your father. His wishes were simple. You are to read this when you’re ready. He mailed it to me in a separate envelope with a letter asking for me to personally ensure you received it.” He stands, extending the letter to me.

A letter. From him. I stand and move forward. My hand is unstable when Mr. Goldstein places the letter in it. As I clasp my fingers around the envelope, a single tear escapes. This could contain all the answers to my doubt, or it could break my heart even more. Placing the letter on my lap, I cover it with my hand, holding on to the last piece of my father. Dread, pain, sadness, wonder, and so many more feelings seep through my veins at all the possible things this letter could say. Did he write it to tell me why he left? Why he never looked back? Will it tell me that I just wasn’t that important to him? All my insecurities come forward full force as the fear of what it could hold nearly cripples me.

“Ms. Pope, I didn’t know your father very well, but I met him a few times. He was a wonderful man. I truly hope he’s at peace.” Avi smiles kindly. “I’ll try to keep this brief. You are due to inherit quite a bit. All your assets total around $300,000 plus whatever the property is worth. His life insurance will need to be dealt with separately, but his policy was around half a million. It’s obvious he wanted you well cared for. Were you close?”

I glance at Jackson, completely overwhelmed. He extends his hand and I eagerly accept the warmth and solace he’s offering. Lacing my fingers with his, I try to fight back the tears as my heart shatters a little more. “No, Avi, we weren’t close. I haven’t spoken to my father in about twenty years. This is very overwhelming for me. I don’t really understand why he left me anything.”

“Well, I can’t answer for him, but maybe his letter will give you the answers you’re looking for. I just need you to sign the paperwork. I have the key here for the house and if there is anything else, I can call you.”

I place the letter and key in my purse and take a moment to collect myself. Walking over to the desk, my hands shake. This is it. The end. The finale to my father’s life. I’ll have no chance of finding out more. There are no living relatives, no family to ask. Whatever’s in the letter is all I’ll have.

The pen is shaking so hard I have to stop twice to try to get my hand under control. Tears stain the paper, and my heart plummets as I finally finish my signature. I let out a strangled sob and press my hand to my mouth to stop the pain trying to make its way out. Somehow I manage to smother it. Squaring my shoulders, I wipe away the tears staining my face.

Avi shakes my hand and places his other on top. “Catherine, even though you didn’t know your father, I know he loved you. My clients come to me because they want their loved ones to find peace and move on. Even when they’re gone they are always a part of us. We never have to truly let them go. They live in our hearts and memories forever.”

Closing my eyes, I absorb his words. “Thank you, Avi. I …” I shake my head, unable to speak, but the understanding in his eyes tells me he doesn’t need a response. He releases my hand with a sad smile and I gather my belongings.

Jackson stays quiet off to the side. As I approach, I notice his furrowed brow and the way he keeps gripping his neck as if he’s uncomfortable.

“You ready?” he asks.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

Once we’re out of the building, I take a deep breath and let the tears roll down my face again. It’s over. I have nothing left. I’m empty. All I want to do is rewind the last ten years and change it all. I want to know who my father was, why he made the choices he did, go back in time and rewrite my story—but I can’t. I miss a man I didn’t even know. How is that possible?

Jackson sees the tears and takes a hesitant step toward me. “I don’t want you to be alone. I’m staying with you tonight. No arguments.”

I couldn’t argue if I wanted to—which I don’t. If Jackson’s close, maybe I can keep it together long enough to read the letter burning a hole in my purse.

The train station is only a few blocks away, and I could use the walk. All I want to do is curl into Jackson, but since we left the office he hasn’t touched me. Even with my scattered mind, I’ve processed that much. Wherever Jackson is, it’s not here. Oh my God. I didn’t take into account how hard this might be for him with his history of loss and grief. Of course bringing up death would push him away. He’s never felt this distant to me. Now I know why. It was selfish to ask him to be with me today.

The two blocks seem to take forever, and with each step it feels like miles separate Jackson and me. He’s stiff and keeps his hands in his pockets while he processes whatever he’s feeling. I want to slap him and force him to talk because his silence is shredding me. Not because he’s doing anything wrong, but because I need to stop my mind from racing over what just happened. Both of us walk in silence until I can’t take it anymore.

“Jackson?” I ask tentatively.

He looks up but doesn’t respond. Every indication, from his tight jaw to his rigid posture, is saying he wants to be left alone.

“Forget it.” I look away, taken aback by his aloofness.

Neither of us says anything else as we approach the train. Where I was quiet and sad a moment ago, now my frustration is growing. If he didn’t want to be with me, then he shouldn’t have said he was coming to my place. He could’ve gone back home and left me alone. I could’ve processed this on my own instead of having him brooding next to me and adding to my stress. I need his arms, his strength, but right now all I’m getting is nothing.

I can’t take another second of this. “Are we going to talk or keep ignoring each other?” My voice is full of the annoyance I’m feeling. Part of it is directed at him, part at this entire day.

“What do you want to talk about?” he says with narrowed eyes.

Apparently he’s irritated by my approach. Good. “Oh, I don’t know. The weather? Why you’re being so quiet and haven’t said a word since we left the office? You can choose.” I’m being a total bitch, but at this point I really don’t care.

“Nice to see you haven’t lost your attitude.” Jackson huffs with a sarcastic smile as the train approaches.

“You said you wanted to come back to my place. I didn’t ask you to.”

His answer comes fast and angry. “I know that.”

“If you didn’t want to be around me or whatever, you didn’t have to.” I throw over my shoulder as I board the train. Fuck him. He wants to be a jerk, he can do it alone. I’m going home, pouring myself an overflowing glass of wine, and finding the courage to read this freaking letter.

Just thinking about it makes me nauseous. There are so many things it could say, some of which I’m not ready to face. But I know myself well enough to know I’ll never sleep if I don’t get it over with soon. His attitude isn’t helping.

I’m facing the window, refusing to look at him, when the seat next to me moves. He doesn’t say a word, but the warmth of his hand on my leg stills me and a tear falls from the corner of my eye. God! I’m a mess! One minute I’m livid, and then he touches me and I cry.

“I want to be with you. That’s why I’m here.” His voice is low, full of the strength I’ve come to rely on.

I turn and face him, hopeful that he means that. “This isn’t easy for me, you know? Trusting you, letting you be here for me. You don’t understand how hard this is.”

He wipes the tears from my face and gently cradles me to his chest. “I know more than you think.”

“How so?” My voice is barely a whisper, but I know he hears me when he lets out a long breath. I sit up and stare at him through blurry eyes, waiting for his answer.

The pain that lances across his perfect face erases all my anger.

“You know about the fucking hell I’ve been through, Catherine. Do you think I wanted anyone around me? I hated myself. I hated everyone who talked to me, touched me, or made me feel. I wanted to die with them.” His hand touches his chest and then moves to his shoulder. “You can’t imagine the man I was during that time. Anger?” He scoffs before going on, “Baby, you can’t imagine what angry looked like. So you want to be mad at me, be mad.”

The train stops, halting our conversation. I don’t fully understand his withdrawal. He’s the one who’s pushed me repeatedly, and now suddenly he’s retreating? And yes, I’m mad. I’m mad at him, at my father, at my mother, and anyone else who made me this way.

As we exit the train, my mind begins to wander, thinking about the pain he must have been in. Losing people you know and love, people who understand you and stand beside you … I can’t think about any of this right now. My brain can’t contain any more. I want to change into my comfy clothes, drink a bottle … errr glass of wine, and forget this day ever happened.

Standing here, facing each other, the silence stretches for miles. Both of us trying to read the other. Both lost in some form of grief. Gripping my hips, he pulls me close. I close my eyes and relish his embrace. Here I feel okay. I’m safe when his arms are around me, protecting me, but is my heart? In this moment I don’t care. I mold to him, allowing his strength to surround me.

“I won’t let you fall. I’ll be here, but sometimes I’m going to be a dick. Sometimes I’m going to say the wrong thing. But if I didn’t want to be here with you, I would’ve walked away.”

I look up and the sincerity on his face matches what I heard in his voice, but the last thirty minutes did nothing to allay my fears. If anything, my doubts have intensified. “Then why were you so distant before?” I ask.

He speaks in a low, hushed tone. “Today brought up a lot of memories for me. Memories I’ve tried extremely hard to forget.”

Jackson takes a deep breath and places his hand on the small of my back as we start walking to my apartment. He’s silent for a few minutes and I sense he needs the time to collect his thoughts.

“I just want to he—” I stop short when I see someone in front of my apartment complex.

Neil. Why the hell is he here? Today of all days. My stomach drops as the reality of my past and present collide. I’ve tried to get rid of him. Ignoring him hasn’t worked, so now he’s apparently going to stalk me. Great. My body begins to tremble, shaking uncontrollably as fear, anger, and hate overtake me.

“Catherine?” Jackson asks, looking for whatever caused me to freeze.

Neil steps forward with his eyes fixed on Jackson. “Well, it seems you didn’t miss me all that much, did you?” he sneers.

“What do you want?” I return acidly.

“I’ve been calling. We have to talk. You have something that’s mine,” Neil says.

Obviously he’s been calling and I’ve been avoiding him. I swear he wasn’t this stupid before. Or maybe he was but I was too blind to see it. Either way, I don’t think I can handle this confrontation today.

“I have nothing of yours,” I say, trying to step around him.

Jackson moves next to me, angling his body so he’s between us. “Who the hell are you?”

Neil steps to the side, blocking me from getting past him. He jerks a thumb toward Jackson. “Who’s this guy?”

Jackson takes a step closer to Neil, who huffs and steps back.

“I’m her fiancé,” he says with a sardonic smile.

“No, you’re not!” I scream. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

He’s purposely trying to ruin my life. Why? What the hell did I ever do to him? He broke my heart and I didn’t do a damn thing to retaliate. I didn’t steal from him, hurt his precious career, cheat on him, or anything else. Now he stands in front of my apartment, trying to take something else from me. Rage pulses through my body with each heartbeat. The first good thing I have he’s going to try to ruin. I look to Jackson whose eyes are wide. No! He can’t believe this.

Jackson stands there and crosses his arms across his broad chest as he lets out a mocking laugh. “Care to explain?”

I’m struggling not to cry. The emotions I’ve been swallowing all day are making their way back up. “Jackson, this is my ex-fiancé. He’s a liar and a piece of shit!”

“Don’t let her fool you,” Neil sneers from behind me.

I’m unable to control myself anymore. I’m done. I’m lost. There’s no stopping me as I unload my anger in Neil’s face. “Shut the fuck up! You cheated on me! Why are you here? We haven’t been together for months! Go away!” I’m breaking. Every single part of me is falling apart.

I turn back to Jackson. The look on his face makes my stomach clench. He looks like he’s wavering between anger and pride. Both of us are dealing with too much right now, but I desperately need him to listen me.

“None of this is true! He’s with another woman. He’s lying!” I yell, feeling my sanity slip away. “This is Neil Mullins. He works for Boyce. We were engaged and then he cheated on me with Piper.” This is definitely not how I planned to talk about my ex, if I ever decided to talk about him at all. I implore him to believe me with my eyes. “Jackson, please. We’ve been over for months!”

Neil barks out a laugh. “Your memory is a little off, love. You stole my numbers so I left you. I should’ve had the Raven account. Now, I want my fucking ring and the money you owe me back.”

Jackson steps away from me. He curls his lip while flexing his hands and glaring at Neil. “Wait a fucking minute,” he says and then looks at me. “Neil? From Boyce, the other PR firm?”

I nod, trying to choke back the tears that keep spilling down my face. This is the worst day of my life. It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

“Since you know who I am, I’ll ask again. Who the fuck are you?” Neil says, puffing out his chest.

Jackson glares at Neil. “I’m Jackson Cole.”

Recognition registers on Neil’s face as his angry smile grows. “Well, that explains everything. You fucked the client, Cat. I didn’t think you had it in you.” He steps toward me, his eyes hard and cold.

Jackson pushes me back behind him as anger rolls off him in waves. You can smell the testosterone in the air. His knuckles are white from clenching his fists so hard, and the vein on the side of his neck is protruding. I need to calm him before this gets out of hand. I place my hand on his shoulder and move around him, but his arm grips my waist, keeping me safely behind him.

From behind Jackson, I yell at Neil, “You need to leave. Now!” My entire body is trembling. I’m not sure if it’s anger or hate or any other emotion you can name.

Neil steps forward and Jackson tenses. Neil isn’t a small guy, but he’s no match for a man Jackson’s size. Not only that, but I’m pretty sure Jackson is trained to kill him in one move.

Could this day get any fucking worse?

Jackson clears his throat and pulls me against his side. “She told you to leave. I suggest you go.” His voice brokers no argument. He’s reached his max.

“Right, well this is between me and Cat. So I think I’ll just finish what I came here for.” Neil smiles and moves closer.

Jackson’s reaction seems involuntary as he steps forward and pushes against Neil’s chest, sending him backward. The commanding sound in Jackson’s voice scares me. “I don’t think so, asshole. You’re going to fucking leave right now—either by free will or by force. But I promise—you don’t want to fuck with me.”

I step between them, trying to get Jackson to calm down. The tears have stopped, but fear has taken over.

My voice is strangled as I plead with them both. “Please! Stop! I can’t take any more.” I step toward Neil with narrowed eyes. “You need to go! I don’t have anything of yours, and I don’t have anything left to say to you. Just leave!”

Neil snaps. His nostrils flare and his lip pulls back. He barrels toward me. The noise from his throat is a guttural roar. “You owe me my fucking ring! So you can either get it, or I’m going to do everything in my power to ruin you.” He grips my arms, squeezing them painfully.

Before I have a second to process anything, Neil’s on the ground and Jackson’s on top of him. The sound of their bodies hitting the pavement echoes around me.

He hits Neil in the face and blood splatters on the sidewalk at the impact. “Stop!” I scream, trying to stop the madness in front of me.

Punch after punch he lands on Neil. Neil manages to get a fist to Jackson’s face, but it only seems to stoke Jackson’s rage. I rush over and pull at his arms, but he shakes me off easily, continuing the onslaught, undeterred.

“Motherfucker! You don’t touch her!” he says as he hits him again, his fist finding his mark. With each blow, the sound of his knuckles connecting with Neil’s face cuts through the night air.

“Jackson! Stop!” I yell over and over. My voice falls on deaf ears as they continue to assault each other. Tears are pouring again, and my entire body is running on adrenaline.

I lean down, grabbing for Jacksons arm, finally snapping him out of his rage. He towers over Neil lying on the pavement. “I’ll fucking kill you if you ever touch her again,” he says, his voice venomous.

Jackson turns and looks at me. His expression shifts from anger to pain to worry when he sees the tears streaming down my face.

“Are you hurt?” His hands grasp my face as I pull away from his touch.

It’s too much. I can’t do this. All I can do is shake my head back and forth as I pray my legs don’t give out on me.

“Catherine, talk to me. Please.” His voice breaks on the last word and my heart goes with it.

Neil staggers to his feet and Jackson’s back stiffens as he readies to protect me again. “You better have a damn good lawyer, Cole. This isn’t over.” He swipes the blood off his mouth and turns with vengeance in his eyes.

I squeeze my eyes shut and pray for strength because I don’t have any left.