Cursed

Chapter 16

Self-reflection was like preparing for the SAT. I didn’t want to do it, but I knew I had to. And when I did, it was going to suck butt—majorly. It was also going to take awhile—mine took two weeks and a couple of days.

I guess I had Holden Caulfield to thank for it.

Mr. Theo sat on the edge of his desk, Catcher in the Rye in his hands. He went on and on about how Holden had alienated himself as a form of self-protection, which led to his loneliness. And then something about loneliness being a form of security.

Whatever. At least Holden had had a choice in becoming an outcast.

But I had an epiphany while Mr. Theo’s smooth voice read a line from the book. “‘The best thing, though, in that museum was that everything always stayed right where it was. Nobody’d move….

Nobody’d be different. The only thing that would be different would be you.’” Mr. Theo cracked the book shut and peered at the class; his bright gaze seemed to zero in on me.

“What does that mean to you?”

“The kid needed to get laid,” Billy answered.

I ignored the laughter and Mr. Theo’s response. I was way too focused on the fact I didn’t want to be one of those statues in the museums—never moving, never changing—to forever be the girl who couldn’t even touch a plant. I wanted to change— needed to change, but after two weeks of massacring every plant I’d touched, things weren’t working.

Every evening, Hayden and I snuck off to the cabin and started with the plants. Afterwards, we sat on the couch and talked about anything. Sometimes we lay on the bed. On those nights, we usually fell asleep, and then snuck back into the house at the crack of dawn, praying we wouldn’t get caught.

But maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough. Maybe I was going along with the training so I could spend time with Hayden, because I liked falling asleep next to him. I liked being that close to someone.

The shrill sound of the bell startled me, and I almost fell out of my seat. Students shot to their feet, blinking away the dazed looks on their faces.

Mr. Theo dropped the book on the desk. “Ember, can you hold on a sec?”

Not entirely surprised by his request, I ignored the several “oohs” and shoved my book into my bag.

Mr. Theo liked to check in every so often. I think he still felt bad over the dead rabbit.

He nodded at the last lingering student as he came around his desk. Once the room was clear, he smiled at me. “Anything going on?”

“No,” I lied, immediately feeling like crap for doing so. I let out a sigh and dropped into one of the seats up front. “Well, there was a smashed-up doll shoved in my locker yesterday.” I left out the noose I’d found the Monday after Homecoming. Mr. Theo already knew about that since he’d asked me to stay after class that day, too. For some reason, he’d looked surprised to see me in class that day, probably because I’d developed a nasty cold.

Hayden didn’t know about either thing I’d found in my locker. I’d hidden them so he wouldn’t blow up the entire school.

Mr. Theo shook his head. “Ember, I really think you need to speak to the principal. I’ve told you before, the faculty here does not accept bullying.”

And I’d told him before that I didn’t want to involve anyone else. I was about to say it again, when out of nowhere, I felt lightheaded. “How is your home life?”

“It’s… been okay.” My head swirled a bit. I hadn’t eaten breakfast this morning—bad choice.

“Why… why are you asking?”

He folded his arms, looking uncomfortable. “I know I’m only your teacher, but I moved around a lot when I was your age. I know how hard it is to make friends with kids and to live with strangers.”

“You do?” The lights seemed incredibly bright.

“My mother was very sick when I was growing up. We moved in with a lot of different relatives and friends of the family I didn’t know well. I remembered the other kids not being very friendly, pulling pranks.” He took off his glasses, fiddling with them. “If it’s one of them doing this, you need to tell someone.”

I nodded slowly, and the truth—or what I believed to be the truth—was right there, on the tip of my tongue. I wanted to tell him everything, because maybe— just maybe—he would believe me.

“Ember?”

I snapped out of it. What would happen if I told Mr. Theo the truth? He’d either think I was crazy or he’d call the authorities. I doubted Cromwell would respond well to that. Look at what’d happened to Adam. I stood, swaying against the desk. “Everyone at home is great. I don’t think it’s one of them.

Anyway, I’m going to be late.”

A frown pulled at his lips. He slipped his glasses back on and nodded.

Guilt made me feel even worse. Besides Hayden, Mr. Theo seemed like the only other person who really cared. Maybe he felt obligated as my teacher, or perhaps he saw a little of himself in me; it didn’t matter what his reasons were. I felt terrible. “Thank you for the offer, really, but everything at home is fine.”

“No problem.” He turned back to his desk. “Just don’t forget you have people outside that house who can help you if you’re having problems, Ember.”

“Okay.” I nodded, knowing I’d never tell him I suspected that Cromwell or one of his gifted kids was behind the stuff in the locker… and possibly something far more terrible.

By the time I left fourth period and Cory’s never-ending talking, I’d forgotten about lying to Mr. Theo.

Hayden waited by the door like he always did, and my stomach did a weird kind of shifting when my gaze settled on him—something I’d come to expect and be wary of. Today he wore this sweater… and it hugged his upper body like a second skin. With each move he made, the muscles stretched the cloth over his chest. Like now, when he reached up to brush his hair off his forehead.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

Since I was eye-level with his chest I was, well, staring at his chest. And it didn’t take much for me to picture that chest naked. The image was forever branded in my memory.

Wow.

“Ember?”

I forced myself to look away. “Where are we eating?”

“Wherever you want.” He grabbed my bag and slung it over one broad shoulder.

I shoved my hands into my hoodie while we shuffled through the crowded hallway. “Anywhere but the rocks is fine with me.”

He gave me a sympathetic look. “Yeah. Yeah. How about the diner?”

“Sure.”

We headed into the cool November air without a single teacher stopping us. At the diner across the street, I picked a booth by the window so I could see the trees outside. Their leaves were an array of brown, yellow, and red.

So beautiful.

“You seem quiet.” Hayden commented after the waitress left our table. He’d ordered a grilled cheese sandwich with pickles. Gross. “It’s not because of last night, is it?”

I turned from the window, cringing. Last night I’d taken out an entire family of cacti during practice.

Not the prickly kind, but the pretty ones that sprout flowers in November. “No. I’ve just been thinking.”

“About?”

Toying with the straw, I shrugged. “What did it take for you to gain control of your gift?”

Hayden rested his elbows on the table. “I had to figure out what caused it to happen when I didn’t want it to.”

“What was it?” I glanced up.

He averted his gaze. “It was a mix of stuff.”

I frowned. No matter how private, Hayden usually answered any question I asked. But I must’ve hit a sore spot. Hayden had received a lot of training at the Facility, but out of all the time I’d spent with him and every night we’d fallen asleep talking, he wouldn’t go there. And I must have unwittingly gone there.

“Forget I asked. It’s nothing—not a big deal.”

“Fear,” he admitted, still staring at his hands. “Fear that I could never control it, that I would end up hurting someone.”

Fear of hurting someone sounded all too familiar.

“It wasn’t easy to get past it, Ember. I had to accept what I was, and for the longest time, I thought I could somehow hide it.” Hayden peered up through heavy lashes. “Only when I started to trust myself—

trust that I could control it—did I start controlling it.”

“But your gift is natural, something you were born with.”

Hayden sighed, wrapping his fingers around the cuff of my sweater. He had taken to doing that a lot lately. He never touched my skin, so I didn’t mind. I liked to think he wanted to touch me. “You’re not unnatural, Ember.”

“Your father said what I could do was unnatural.”

Anger flared in his eyes, sharp and fierce. “I’m sure he didn’t mean it the way you’re taking it.” His voice dropped. “You have a gift, Ember. Just like me, like all of us. Don’t you think the way you look at yourself is holding you back?”

“I don’t know. I mean, you and I aren’t the same. You’re perfect at—”

“I’m not perfect.” Letting go of my sleeve, he sat back against the red vinyl and stared out the window.

His expression grew troubled, a look he got before drifting off to sleep, when I watched without him knowing. “All of us still struggle to control our gifts. I do. I haven’t always been able to control it.”

“But you do control yourself, and well, I admire your strength.” My cheeks burned, but I continued, because I meant it. “I can’t. Something is wrong with me.”

Hayden rolled his eyes. “You have that strength, too. You’re not evil, Ember. You’re gifted, not cursed.”

A shadow fell over our table, and I looked up, thinking it would be the haggard-looking waitress, but it was the last person I’d expected.

Phoebe appeared pissed off. “Gabe went home or something and I refuse to eat in the cafeteria. Move over, Hayden.”

She still openly hated my guts, even more so after the bonfire. Parker had yet to say a word to me and basically avoided me whenever possible, but I kept reminding myself of what Hayden had said about him.

Parker was like damaged goods, kind of like me. At least Gabe no longer looked like he wanted to toss me in front of a bus.

Hayden scooted over. “Are you going to play nice?”

Phoebe dropped her bag on the floor. “I’m always nice.” She glanced over at me.

I raised my brows at her. I hadn’t forgotten what she’d said at the bonfire. However, I was strangely grateful for her interruption. It took the attention off me, and she was good at keeping Hayden occupied. I was pretty sure Phoebe had a thing for him.

She toyed with the edge of her low-cut shirt, and then reached over and oh-so-casually brushed her hand over his while we ate.

Not that I could blame her. I’d love to do what she was doing.

Before the accident, Hayden wouldn’t have been the kind of guy I went for. Watching him flirt with Phoebe, his hair constantly falling over his forehead, I realized I’d had no taste whatsoever before the accident. Now I wished I’d met Hayden before—back when we weren’t each other’s kryptonite.

It was a stupid, pointless realization.

I sank back in my seat and crossed my arms while they talked. Something unfurled in my stomach, killing my appetite. I refused to name the emotion.

When Hayden got up to take care of the tab, Phoebe and I drifted into an epic stare-down. As inconvenient as it was, that’s when I remembered my self-reflection.

I broke the silence. “Look, I know you and I haven’t gotten along.”

She arched a perfectly groomed brow. “What makes you think that?”

I ignored that and tried to forget how she’d denied saying anything about the accident. “I’m not going to ruin things for you, Phoebe. I’m not going to touch someone. You don’t have to worry about the Facility coming for you.”

Phoebe glanced over to where Hayden waited for the cashier. When she faced me again, she bent forward. “You know what? I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for your sister and your mom.”

Geez, I think I’d rather be punched in the face.

“But most of all, I feel sorry for Hayden,” she continued, her voice now laced with bitterness.

I leaned closer. “What?”

She looked at Hayden again. “Because for some reason, he’s hooked on you like you’re some kind of drug. I know he feels bad for you. I can feel it radiating off of him. I understand that. It’s got to suck to be you.”

I pressed my lips together, torn between wanting to smack her and wanting to beat the crap out of her.

“But don’t confuse pity with caring, Ember,” she went on. “Hayden’s always had a soft spot for all things… lost and broken.”

Later that evening, I shoved my homework off the bed and made my way downstairs to meet up with Hayden. A Friday night spent killing plants—couldn’t get lamer than that.

At dinner, Gabe had tried to talk Hayden into going to the last football game of the season with him and Phoebe, but he’d passed. I think he was more dedicated to this training than I was.

I decided to grab a soda from the kitchen first, but it was occupied. Recognizing the deep rumble of Kurt’s voice, I halted outside the entrance and tried to convince myself I had a valid reason for staying.

“He’s making a mistake, Liz.”

“Kurt.” Liz sounded exasperated. “He knows what he’s doing. You have to trust him.”

“You are incredibly naïve if you think any of this is going to end well. You weren’t around the last time. What it did to him when he failed. I can’t allow this to continue.”

Hairs on the back of my neck rose. Allow what to continue?

“I’m not naïve or stupid,” Liz insisted. “He’ll do the right thing.”

“The right thing?” he repeated, sounding mystified. “Maybe you and I have two different views of what is right.”

Water drowned out a decent part of the conversation. The next thing I heard was Kurt.

“You can’t see past the little one, Liz. All you’ve ever wanted was a child, and now you have one.

But she came with a price, and it’s that thing walking around this house. If Jonathan knew what was best for him, Cromwell would send Ember to the Facility. Let her be their problem.”