Cursed

Chapter 18

I could feel his eyes traveling over my arms and across the swell of my chest. Hayden was checking me out, but not in a way I’d ever wanted a guy to look at me. I knew what he saw.

Angry lines slashed across my upper arms, and faint scars spread across my chest and disappeared under my tank top. They’d originally been red, but they’d now faded to white. Sometimes when I looked in the mirror, I thought the scars looked like someone had dropped a spiderweb over my body. The only parts of me not scarred were my legs.

A minute went by before Hayden spoke. “Does it… does it hurt?”

Opening my eyes, I stared into the dark corners of the cabin. I felt vulnerable, exposed. “No. It never hurt. Not when I… came back.”

He let out a stilted breath. “But before?”

I forced a casual shrug and glanced at him. He wasn’t staring at the scars, but at my face. “Yeah, it hurt. Can I have my sweater back now?”

“No.” Hayden dropped it on the floor. “You shouldn’t have to hide yourself.”

“Doesn’t it bother you?”

He frowned. “Why would it bother me?”

“Because… because it’s ugly. I look like Frankenstein.”

“You don’t look like Frankenstein,” he said, so softly I almost didn’t hear him.

“Trust me, I know how I look.”

“Okay. What do you want me to say? That I see those scars and wonder how badly it had to hurt to end up that way? Or how wrong I think it is that you let those scars take away from everything else?”

“Take away from what?”

“Em, the scars on your arms are barely visible. You could wear shirts without sleeves. No one would notice, and you… well, no one would pay attention to the scars.”

I still wanted to jump up and grab my sweater, but I forced myself to stay put.

“How does it feel?”

“What?” I stared straight ahead, focusing on the darkness.

“To die.”

Dying wasn’t easy to put into words. “Nothing—it feels like nothing. One minute, there was pain, and then there was nothing. Just empty blackness and you’re kind of aware of everything, but not. You kinda feel it here.” I placed a hand over my stomach. “When you die you feel it empty and leave you.”

“Feel what?”

I snuck a quick peek at him. He was watching me intently, his face soft. Before I lost my nerve or thought better of it, I reached out and placed my hand on his lower stomach. Even though he wore a sweater, I could feel the heat his skin was throwing off.

“Your soul,” I said quietly. I knew I had told him I didn’t want to talk about it, but here I was with a mad case of verbal diarrhea again. “You feel it burn itself out. Like a candle.”

Hayden inhaled roughly. “You really think you don’t have a soul?”

I pulled back and shrugged again.

“All because of your touch?” Hayden shifted and leaned on one arm. His breath danced over my shoulder.

I shivered. “Well, yes. That, and the fact that I felt it go poof.”

“Em, you have a soul.”

“How can you be so sure of that, Hayden? How many people die and come back?”

“No one dies and comes back. You did because of your sister, and you have a gift. Maybe that played a role in your coming back, but you have a soul. You aren’t evil. There’s nothing you can say that will make me think that.”

I looked up and our gazes locked. “And there’s nothing you can say to make me feel differently.”

He lowered his eyes. Thick lashes fanned his cheeks. “I know you do, because I wouldn’t want to… to kiss you if you didn’t have a soul.”

I froze. “You… you want to kiss me?”

His gaze lifted as he leaned in, placing his mouth an inch from mine. The air was sucked right out of the room, and I felt dizzy again. “Ever since I first saw you.” He moved so that his mouth was angled with mine. “And right now I want to so badly it hurts. You have no idea, Em, but I don’t want to hurt you.”

My gaze dropped to his parted lips. What would it be like to feel them against my own? Unable to stop myself, I brought my mouth within a hair’s breadth of his. “I want to kiss you, too.”

Hayden made a soft sound in his throat. His breath moved over my lips, and I closed my eyes, imagining the way he would feel, taste. Then his breath warmed my cheek and each of my eyelids before it returned to tease my lips again.

I placed my hands on his chest, curling my fingers into his sweater. “Hayden,” I whispered.

He answered by clasping my hips and pulling me into his lap. I wanted nothing more than to kiss and touch him. I lowered my cheek to his shoulder, squeezing my eyes shut as his caress drifted from my hips to the small of my back. Fine shivers danced over my skin, making me ache for something I could never have.

His hands traveled up my back, fingers pressing into my spine, bunching the thin material of my tank top, then back down. My body arched into the motion, and his hands shook. Each time his hands came close to my bare skin, it felt like every cell came alive only to slowly burn out. His breathing turned ragged.

I don’t know how long we stayed like that, coming close to touching—to something— until Hayden drew in a heavy breath and lifted me off of him. “Enough,” he murmured. “God, but it’s not enough.”

“I’m sorry.” I lowered my chin, wishing I were someone else, someone he could kiss, he could touch.

Hayden leaned back, brushing a few of my curls back as his eyes met mine. “Don’t apologize. I’m enjoying this. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted it to be like this between us and I don’t want to stop, but…”

“But you’re afraid you won’t stop?” I asked, feeling my skin flush even more.

“Exactly.” His smile was crooked as he lay back, patting the spot next to him. “Come here.”

I raised my brows at him. Lying beside him was so not going to quell the fire burning in my blood.

And a part of me couldn’t believe what he’d admitted or what had happened between us. It seemed surreal, like a dream I’d never thought I could grasp.

Hayden’s gaze fell to my lips.

My heart did a stupid little jump that made me all warm and fuzzy. He liked me—really liked me.

Even after seeing my scars. It was like hitting the jackpot of awesome guys.

“Come on.” He patted the spot next to him again.

“It’s a Friday night. Shouldn’t you be out having fun or something?”

One corner of his mouth tipped up. “I’m having fun here. Lots.” He placed his hands behind his head.

Straightening out his legs, he nearly knocked me off the bed.

I didn’t have much of a choice. Carefully, I climbed over his legs and sat down on the other side.

“Lie down,” he ordered.

“Hayden.”

The smile grew. “Ember?”

I rolled my eyes, but did as he requested. “Happy?”

“Yep.”

Tilting my head so I could see him, I smiled when he winked at me. “You… you surprise me.”

Hayden rolled onto his side, propping himself up on one elbow. “How do I surprise you?”

I bit my lip. “You worry about hurting me, but you never seem to worry about me hurting you. And I’m the one with the killer touch.”

“I don’t because I know you won’t hurt me.” His gaze drifted over my face, then lower. He wiggled closer. Our knees pressed together, sending sharp tingles down my legs.

“Can I ask you something? Personal?”

He sent me a sidelong glance. “Sure.”

“How old were you when Cromwell found you?”

His eyes moved back to the ceiling. The smile was gone. In its place was a dark, brooding look. “I was seven.”

“Were you still with your parents?”

A shake of the head, a fine tensing of muscles followed. “No. I was in foster care.”

I bit my lip. I didn’t have any experience with foster homes, but it was a fear that’d driven me to do everything possible to keep Olivia out of them. “How did Cromwell find you?”

Hayden relaxed and tipped his head down. “He came to the foster home—the eighth one in two years.” He stopped, laughed. “It was the beginning of summer, and he just showed up. The rest is history.”

“What is it about the Facility? It’s like they are so evil, but you’ve been there. It sounds like Cromwell worked for them. I don’t get it.”

“The Facility is complicated.”

“Well, try explaining it to me. I may end up there one day.”

Hayden frowned. “You’ll never end up there, Em.”

“How can you be so sure of that?”

He flipped onto his back, but somehow he was closer than before. “I’d never allow it. The Facility isn’t evil, but they have their own methods of training. They’re harsh at times, demanding. To them, being gifted is everything. Their motto, ‘What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you,’ isn’t what Emerson believed when he said those words, you know?”

“How long were you there?” I asked, not really expecting him to answer.

“I… I was seven when I got there. Eleven when I left. So… four years, give or take a couple of months. It was better than foster care, but in a way, it was also worse. There were a lot of rules. They monitored every single moment, so I had no time to myself. And there were a lot of tests. They liked to… push you to your limits. To really test your control and see what it took for you to lose it.” He trailed off, staring at the ceiling. “Anyway, tell me something about you. Something I don’t know.”

There was a lot he wasn’t sharing, but I let it drop. “I don’t know. My favorite part of winter is the first snowfall. I… love the way autumn smells. I’ve never seen a shooting star.”

“Really?” He sounded surprised. “I haven’t, either.”

I smiled a little. “I’ve always looked, but I’ve never seen one.”

“I’ve never had a pet,” he admitted with a low laugh. “Not even a goldfish.”

“Goldfish don’t count, anyway.”

He laughed again and time slipped away from us. Only a pale slice of moonlight fell across the bed.

At some point, while we talked, I forgot that he could see the scars and I actually felt normal. But every so often, he’d stop talking and would look at me, and I knew what he wanted to do.

“It’s late,” Hayden announced after dragging his gaze from me. “Do you want to leave?”

I thought about it. “No. I’m not tired yet.”

“You wanted to leave earlier.”

“I also wanted to punch you earlier,” I pointed out. “You don’t want to do either of them now?”

“No.”

“Good. I have an idea,” he said. “You game?”

A strange, intense feeling coiled in my stomach. “Sure,” I breathed.

“Don’t move.” He sat up. “Don’t punch me, either.”

“No promises.” Punching him wasn’t what I had in mind.

“Just don’t freak out, all right?” Hayden shifted down, and then I felt his hand slide through my hair.

“Come over here.”

At first I didn’t get where “here” was, but it quickly became obvious. Somehow Hayden got me to put my head on his chest. Not that I needed a lot of urging.

On my side, my cheek lay against the soft material of his sweater and when he rested his hand against my lower back, I thought I’d die. This was almost as good as what’d happened earlier. Maybe it was even better, just lying there, concentrating on the steady thrumming of his heart and the wild fluttering of mine.

“Are you comfortable?” he murmured.

“Yeah,” I whispered, closing my eyes. Truth was I enjoyed this way too much, but I refused to let myself dwell on it. Thinking was overrated. So was reality. In the dark, anything seemed possible. This was possible.

“Good idea, huh?”

I smiled sleepily against his sweater. “Yeah, it was.”

He chuckled softly. The sound rumbled through me, curling my toes. Silence enveloped us and I started to drift off, content to just be this close to someone, to him.

Something jolted me straight up in bed. In the dark, I could make out the steady rise and fall of Hayden’s chest. For a moment, I didn’t know what bothered me.

Then it struck me.

Something in the memory of the accident Parker had resurfaced was really, super important. I couldn’t believe I’d missed it.

My parents had known about Olivia’s gift.

I turned to Hayden, needing to tell him. For a few seconds, I simply stared at him. Thick, sooty lashes fell against his cheeks, his lips parted with each deep breath he took. Asleep, the natural beauty of his face seemed even more alluring, more vulnerable. It was a shame to wake him up, to disturb him, but I figured this was pretty important. He’d want to know.

“Hayden?” I inched closer, resting on my knees beside his waist. “Wake up.”

He didn’t move; not even a lash stirred.

“Hayden, wake up. Come on, wake up.”

Nothing.

I placed my hands on his shoulders and shook him. “Come on. I have to tell you—” He shot up like a rocket, knocking me flat on my back. Then he was on me, sliding down my hips, straddling them, pinning my legs down. All of it happened so fast, was so unexpected, that I simply froze.

Holding himself up with his hands planted on either side of my head, Hayden lowered his. In that heartbeat, I didn’t recognize him, didn’t know the look in his eyes or the tense pull to his lips. He’d become a virtual stranger.

And I knew beyond a doubt he had no idea who I was.

“Hayden?” I whispered, putting one shaking hand on his chest. “It’s me.”

He blinked and inhaled sharply. “Don’t ever do that again, Ember.”

I stared up at him, my heart thundering in my chest. His eyes were darker than I’d ever seen.

“I could’ve hurt you.”

Him hurt me? In any other situation, that might’ve been funny. It wasn’t now. I swallowed. “Okay.”

His chest rose and fell unsteadily above mine. His body threw off an amazing amount of heat. “I’m… sorry I scared you. There were too many nights in foster homes being woken up like that. It was never good.”

I let out the breath I was holding, unsure of what to say. I could only imagine what he meant by that, and each idea grew more horrible than the last.

He closed his eyes, his voice ragged. “I’m sorry. This was a—”

“No. It’s okay. You just startled me. I’m okay. You’re okay.”

Hayden opened his eyes. “Em…?”

His stare held so much intensity that I found it difficult to breathe. A look of yearning, of desperation, and he was studying me. Studying my face, the way my top had slipped down. And his stare was spreading a hot flush over my body.

Slowly, he dipped down, placing his weight on one arm. He brought his hand to the side of my face, his fingers hovering over my cheek. My own fingers curled into the sweater. God, I wanted him to touch me so badly. The need consumed me—burned like fire.

Hayden closed his eyes and let out a harsh sound before he pushed himself up on his knees. His hands fell harmlessly to his sides.

Disappointment crashed over me. I’d wanted him to pull me into his body like he’d done before, mimicking things we really couldn’t do.

“So… what did you wake me up for?” he asked, his voice thick.

It took me a minute to remember what had been so important. “My parents—they knew about Olivia’s gift.”

He rolled off my legs and stood. I had a feeling he purposely put distance between us as he struggled to pay attention to what I’d said. “What do you mean?”

I sat up, forcing the thick cobwebs of half-sleep and something far more distracting from my thoughts.

I fixed my top, flushing like crazy. “When Parker was in my head, I saw the accident again. I don’t know how I missed it, but I guess I’d been so freaked out after everything, I just didn’t think.”

“Understandable.” He ran a hand through his hair. “What did you remember?”

I told Hayden what my mom had said and how Dad had answered. While I talked, he shifted further into the shadows, where the dimming light of the candles couldn’t reach.

“Olivia must have used her gift before she brought you back,” Hayden said.

“Yeah, but who are ‘they?’ The ones who my mom said he shouldn’t have told? Do you think he told the people who caused the accident?”

A full minute passed before he answered. “I don’t know, Ember. That doesn’t make sense. Maybe your memory is wrong.”

“It’s not wrong, Hayden. I know what I heard.”

“Your parents wouldn’t have known who to go to even if Olivia raised an army of the dead,” he said.

“We don’t advertise what we are—neither does the Facility. We find the gifted; they don’t find us. How would your parents have known who to go to?”

“I don’t know,” I said tightly. “They had to’ve known. Or maybe someone came to them first.” An a-

ha moment hit me. “You said before that Liz can sense the gifted—when they are born, right? And she sensed me when I came back?”

“Yeah.”

“And she knew about Olivia, right? You said so yourself.”

“So what? Just because Liz knew about Olivia doesn’t mean anything. Wait. Do you really think my father— Aunt Liz, who doesn’t even like to kill a mouse—would’ve orchestrated a car accident to get to Olivia?”

I scowled into the general vicinity of where I thought Hayden stood. “Yeah, I do. Or maybe Liz and Kurt did. They seem awful chummy with one another, and Liz treats Olivia like she’s her damn daughter.”

“That’s because she cares for her.” Hayden shook his head. “Look, none of this makes sense.”

“Exactly,” I said.

“It’s almost like you want it to be my father or Kurt.”

“I don’t want it to be them, but who else could it be? My parents wouldn’t have known who to go to, but they told someone! Then Liz magically senses me coming back from the dead and look! Look. Olivia is here, isn’t she?”

Silence greeted me, and I felt like doing a happy dance, because I knew I’d gotten Hayden thinking.

But when he did speak again, it was a total letdown.

“We should head back, Ember. In the morning, we’ll try to figure it. My brain is too fried right now.”

My head jerked up. Hayden sounded different, off. I climbed off the bed and waited while he extinguished the candles. He kept his back to me the entire time, not speaking. My nerves were like a tight bundle in the pit of my stomach, unraveling with each passing second we didn’t talk.

I pulled the hood up and hunkered down in the hoodie once we stepped out into the near-freezing night air. Overhead, the moon peeked through the naked branches while we headed back to the house in silence.

Each glimpse of Hayden I snuck, my stomach rolled. His face was set in hard lines, closed-off and distant.

He stared straight ahead, and never once did I feel his gaze on me. It was like those precious moments in the cabin, when he’d admitted how much he wanted to kiss me, hadn’t even happened.

We stopped at the stairs, and I wasn’t ready to let this go. “I want to talk about—”

“I know,” he said, “but I don’t want to. Not tonight. I’m beat. It’s late.”

“But—” He stepped forward, tipping his head down as he did so. “We can’t talk about this now. We’ll wake someone up. Go to bed, Ember. We’ll talk in the morning.”

I stepped back, my heart twisting. “Okay. Tomorrow morning, right?”

He nodded, and before I could say anything else, he disappeared down the hall.