Hold On To Me

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Keeping his hands to himself tonight was going to be nearly impossible.

Huddled together under the two-person Mylar thermal blanket, Mitch wished Simone hadn’t taken off her coat so there was more padding between their bodies. Not that he didn’t like feeling her up close and personal, but her subtle curves molded against his body made it damn hard to keep his hands from wandering over and under her soft sweatshirt to her silky skin beneath. And while he wanted nothing more than to do just that, he didn’t want to do anything to spook her. They’d just gotten to the point where they could be civil to each other. If he moved too fast, he’d send her running.

And since she was obviously a pro at running, it was all he could do not to give her a reason to do just that.

She sighed and laid her head against his chest, her heat seeping into his pores, reflecting back at him under the safety blanket, making him even hotter with every passing second. “‘Annie’s Song.’”

“What?”

She rested her hand on his chest and spread her fingers. Tingles rushed over his flesh everywhere she touched, even through his thick flannel shirt. “You were humming it.”

He hadn’t realized he’d been humming. Nervous energy, obviously. He looked across the room but couldn’t see anything in the darkness. They’d extinguished both the lantern and heater for the time being to conserve energy. “You know John Denver?”

“Not personally.” She laughed. “My mom used to listen to his Christmas album every year. I got to know a lot of his songs that way.”

“My dad used to sing it to my sister when she was little. When she and Ryan got married, Dad played it for her during the father-bride dance.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“I think there’s a lot about each other we didn’t know.”

Simone was silent, and in the darkness, Mitch cursed himself. He’d agreed not to mention the past, at least for the next few days, and he’d already crossed his own damn line.

“I didn’t have a wedding,” Simone said quietly. “Steve and I got married in a courthouse. We didn’t have to. I mean, WITSEC had already given me my new identity as his wife, but he wanted it to be official.”

She didn’t say more, and Mitch couldn’t quite tell if that was a good or bad thing. But man, he wanted to ask. Wanted to ask a thousand things about her dead husband. She’d rarely talked about the guy in all the months they’d been together, but he sensed if he pushed her for too much too soon, he wouldn’t get any of the answers he needed.

“It was a month or so after we went into the program,” she finally went on. “I didn’t really want to get married. Steve was the one who pushed it. Said he wanted everything to be official. For Shannon.”

“For Shannon,” she muttered. “’For Shannon’ was his excuse for everything. No one knows this, but I didn’t want to have a baby. That probably makes me a terrible mother, doesn’t it? I didn’t want to get married, didn’t want to have kids. And I resented him for it, because in one split second, I gave up my whole life. For a man I wasn’t even in love with. Lust, yes. Love? No. I didn’t even get to say good-bye to my grandmother.”

Mitch wasn’t sure what to say. But his mind drifted to her parents, who’d flown out a few times from Baltimore to spend time with Shannon. “What about your parents? I met them.”

Simone shifted against him. “No, you met our neighbors. Ray and Betty lived next door to us in Baltimore. They sort of adopted us, and when Shannon was little and started calling them Grandma and Grandpa, none of us corrected them. My dad died in a car accident when I was little, and my mom raised me in a small town in Pennsylvania until she died from heart disease I was sixteen. After that, I lived with my grandmother until I left for college. Her health wasn’t good, and I didn’t get to see her as often as I should have. I think that’s part of the reason the US marshals let me go with Steve. I didn’t have much of a family to miss me. A year after we went into the program, my grandmother had a stroke. I couldn’t go to the hospital to be with her. Shannon was only a couple of months old then.”

Mitch didn’t know what to say. So many lies. But he couldn’t judge her or be angry that she hadn’t told him the truth. Because if he’d been in the same position, he’d likely have done the same.

Simone pushed up. All he could see were the whites of her eyes, but they were sad, and a small part of him broke, knowing the lies had hurt her way more than they’d ever hurt him. “I never blamed Shannon. She gave me a reason not to dwell on the negatives, and in a lot of ways, she saved me. And even though I never wished for any of this to happen, it taught me patience and the importance of thinking things through. I don’t regret the choices I made. But I do regret that I couldn’t talk about them. I think…” Her eyes drifted down to her hand, still resting against his chest. “I think maybe if I’d been able to talk about it…things might have been easier.”

Things between them. She didn’t say the words, but he sensed them hovering in the air between them. And his pulse picked up speed, igniting a flutter—that hope—in his belly he’d felt when he’d held her in the safe room.

She laid her head back against his chest, and her fingers gently brushed his shirt. Tingles flared all over his skin again, and he worked like hell to keep his pulse from racing. She was sharing secrets—things most couples talked about way earlier in their relationship. And though he couldn’t tell her his biggest secret—at least not yet—he knew he could give her something.

“I almost got married once.”

Her hand stopped moving against his shirt. “You did?”

He hadn’t told anyone this—not even Ryan—and though he’d never planned to air his vulnerability, part of him figured maybe it was time. Maybe if she understood what he’d been through, she could understand why he’d reacted so badly when she’d lied to him. “It was about two years after we lost my sister. Ryan was just starting to come out of his fog. I’d been putting off working in the field because of him and Julia, but I was antsy to get out of the Bay Area. So when a site was identified in South America, I jumped on the chance to be the first geologist to start taking samples.”

He hadn’t really been in the market for a relationship, but looking back on it, losing his sister had definitely made him rethink what was important in life. “She was part of the team sent to Ecuador to evaluate the site. We met a few days after I got there, hit it off. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, we were a couple.”

More than a couple. They’d spent every waking moment together. Rachel had been everything he thought he’d been looking for in a woman. Outdoorsy, able to hold her own with the other guys on site, and totally hot. The first time he’d seen those long, shapely legs of hers in cargo shorts and dusty hiking boots, he thought he’d found nirvana. He’d never been so completely wrong in his life.

He cleared his throat and shifted his back against the wall where he was leaning. “A few months went by, and things were great. Neither of us wanted to leave, but when our analysis of the site was finished, we didn’t have much choice. I came home, and she went back to Dallas. We made plans for her to come to San Francisco to visit, but a week went by, and I didn’t hear from her. I tried to call her, but it kept going to voice mail. So after a few days, I got worried and flew out to Dallas to see her.”

“What happened?”

He shook his head, feeling like a complete idiot all over again. “Turns out the joke was on me. Her husband answered the door.”

“Oh boy.”

“Yeah, there was one of those. Seven-year-old. And a girl who looked to be about five. Rachel was out shopping when I got there. Her husband looked as shell-shocked as I felt.”

He could feel Simone cringe against his chest. “What did you do?”

“Said I was from the office and pretended to be dropping off some files for her. Then I got the hell out of there. But I think he knew what was going on.”

“That’s awful. Did you ever hear from her?”

“A day later. She called after I was back in San Francisco.”

“What did she say?”

“Not much. There wasn’t much she could say. Just that she didn’t know how to tell me the truth and that she never wanted me to get hurt.”

Simone didn’t answer, and in the silence, Mitch realized those were the same things Simone had told him the night she’d come to his house and those thugs had shot up his property.

Except…in Simone’s case, at least she’d been sorry. Rachel had only been sorry she’d been caught.

A shiver racked Simone’s body, and, reflexively, Mitch pulled her in closer. “Are you cold? We can flip the heater on for a bit to take the chill off.”

“No, I’m fine.” She huddled close, so the length of her thigh was against his, heat seeping from her into him, sending tingles of awareness all across his flesh. “I’m sorry she did that to you. That…wasn’t right.”

Mitch stared off into the darkness, remembering how upset he’d been. Ironically, the pain of that humiliation didn’t even compare to how he’d felt when Simone had left him. “I wasn’t really in love with her. I think I wanted to be. After we lost my sister, I realized that family is the only thing that really matters. I think more than anything I just wanted to know what it was like to have a family of my own. She was the wrong one to want that with, though.”

And Simone was the right one. He just wasn’t sure how to convince her of that fact.

“You’re a good man, Mitch Mathews.”

He huffed, because he didn’t feel particularly good. He felt stupid in a lot of ways. And helpless. But he was willing to put himself out on a limb for a chance to make things right with the woman in his arms. “I’m no angel, sweetheart. I’ve done plenty of dumb shit in my life.”

“I’m sure you have, but you’ve got a good heart. That doesn’t change. You’re going to make a great husband and father someday.”

It just won’t be today. Or with me.

He heard the unspoken words as loud as if she’d screamed them. And inside, everything he’d been holding back, all his plans to keep things light between them, whooshed right out of his head. Along with what was left of his common sense.

“You’re damn right I am.” He gripped her by the jaw and turned her face up to his. Surprised dark eyes met his. Eyes that had captivated him from the first. “But not someday.”

Then he lowered his mouth to hers.

Simone sucked in a breath and froze.

Mitch’s lips pressed against hers, soft, firm, cool like the air in the small lookout, but warming from a heat that was flaring to life between them. Like a fire sparking against black embers and slowly turning to a full-blown blaze.

He groaned, the sound echoing through his chest and into hers, sending fingers of awareness tingling through her core. He eased the pressure on her mouth, tilted his head, and kissed her again. Her pulse sped up. Electricity raced all along her skin. Panic—or maybe it was excitement, she couldn’t tell which—clouded her mind, making it hard to think, to act, to know what to do.

The hand at her jaw slid up into her hair, and his fingers spread, cupping the back of her head, tugging her even closer. She grabbed a fistful of his flannel shirt—to push him away or pull him closer, she wasn’t sure which—but right now she was glad he’d taken off that heavy coat, that she didn’t have to fumble with layers of fabric, that he wasn’t giving her time to think.

“Give in to me, Simone,” he mumbled against her lips. “You know you want to.”

Oh, but she did. It was why she’d gone to see him that night at his house. Why she’d come all the way to Tahoe with him. Why she’d agreed to this silly hike that now didn’t seem so foolish anymore. But nothing had changed. If anything, his life was in more danger because of her, and if she gave in, if she took everything he was offering without thinking of the consequences and something bad happened to him, she’d never be able to forgive herself.

She let go of his shirt and pressed her palm against his chest. This time to push him away. Definitely to push him away. She eased back enough to suck in air. “Mitch. This isn’t a good idea.”

“Your good ideas haven’t exactly panned out, sweetheart. Time to try someone else’s.”

He lowered his head once more, and panic snaked in. A panic that told her if he kissed her again, she might not have the strength to stop him. “Mitch—”

His mouth closed over hers before she could get the rest of the words out. And then his heat was there, sliding across her lips, dipping inside to tangle with her tongue, filling her senses with every inch of him.

She groaned, and her fingers curled in his shirt once more, this time to pull him closer. It was stupid. It was reckless. It was everything she shouldn’t do. But she wanted. Hadn’t stopped wanting. And had no more resistance left to fight him.

“Mitch…”

Her tongue brushed his, slowly at first, then with more insistence. She let go of his shirt, slid her hand up his neck and around the back of his head, her fingers combing through his soft hair, pulling his mouth more firmly down to hers. He answered with another groan, and the arm around her shoulder slinked lower, down her back, pushing her up. Then he was lifting her, tugging her, shifting her body so she was straddling his hips, then sinking down onto his lap and the glorious bulge in his jeans that told her exactly how much he wanted her.

They didn’t need the heater now. She doubted they even needed the thin Mylar blanket. Sweat slicked her skin as she trailed her other hand up his chest and into his hair. As she kissed him deeper, again and again. As she felt his hands streaking down her back to guide her up and down as he rocked his hips against her most sensitive spot.

She was breathless. Panting. Couldn’t think. Could only feel. Her hands gripped both sides of his face. She pulled away just enough to breathe but didn’t let go. His lips pressed against the corner of her mouth, her jaw, trailed a line of hot, wet kisses all the way to her ear. She trembled as he blew against her neck. Desire and a need to feel him everywhere, curled tight, wicked fingers all through her belly, shooting electrical charges straight to her breasts and down into her sex.

“Ah God, Simone.” He pushed away from the wall and sat up. One hand slinked up her back and into her hair. The movement forced her hips into closer contact with his, and the hard length of his erection rubbed against her mound, making her see stars. “I’ve been going mad without you.”

He dragged her mouth back to his and kissed her deeply, his lips on fire, his tongue hot and wet and sinful. Everything she remembered it to be.

She was going mad too. Was absolutely wild right now from the taste of him.

She kissed him again and again. His mouth turned greedy, wanton against hers. She moaned against his lips, wanting so much more. The hand in her hair slid down her neck, across her collarbone, and brushed her breast. Electrical charges shot all through her body. She groaned against him. Kissed him deeper. His fingers found the tip of her breast and pinched her nipple through her shirt, a mixture of pleasure and pain she felt everywhere.

“Mitch…”

“I’m right here, baby.” His other hand found the snap on her jeans and flicked it free. “Give in to me, sweetheart. I need you.”

She needed him too. He had no idea how much. But when his fingers grazed the soft flesh of her lower belly, a little of the sex fuzz filling her mind cleared. Just a tad. Just enough so she became cognizant of what they were doing. Of what doing this with him would mean. Of what kind of danger that would put him in down the line.

Her hands landed against his shoulders, and she pulled her mouth from his, gasping for air, grappling for some kind of control. “Mitch, wait.”

“No waiting. I’m done waiting. You want me. I can feel it.”

His lips pressed against her neck. His hand slinked lower. He rocked his hips until pleasure ripped through her pelvis, and she knew if he did that again she wouldn’t be able to stop herself. But she needed to put a stop to this. Not for herself, but for him.

“Mitch…no.”

“Yes.”

He held her tight, but she put all her strength in her arms, pushed away from him, and stumbled to find her footing. Her boot slipped, and she nearly fell into him, but caught herself at the last second and broke free. Breathing heavily, she held out her hand and moved back a step, unable to see anything in the pitch-dark room, even her own fingers. “I said stop.”

She could feel his stare piercing her flesh even if she couldn’t see him. No sound echoed in the room, nothing but the howling of the wind and storm outside, but with every passing second, she could feel the anger growing inside him, rolling off him in hot waves that drifted across the cool room, centered directly on her.

Long seconds passed, then finally, a low chuckle rumbled from across the room. “You really are the queen of mixed messages, you know that?”

Here it came. And boy, did she deserve it. “Mitch—”

“No, you know what? I get it.” Shuffling echoed. She couldn’t see what he was doing, but seconds later, the LED lantern flicked on, blinding her with the flash of light. She covered her eyes and looked away. A click echoed, and then the hum of the small heater filled the room, but it didn’t ease the chill sliding down Simone’s spine. “I always prided myself on being a pretty smart guy, but with you? Not so much. No more, though. I finally get what you’ve been trying to tell me the past six months.”

She hated that she was hurting him—again. Hated that she was in this position in the first place. Hated even more that her heart felt like it was breaking all over.

She never should have let Ryan and Kate convince her to come to Tahoe with him. Never should have thought they could just be friends. They’d never been just friends. They’d always been more. And she still wanted to be more, even knowing it could never happen. She swallowed the lump growing in her throat. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

“No, you didn’t.” He tugged off the blanket and tossed it across the floor toward her. “It was all me. I’m the one who talked you into going out with me. I’m the one who pushed the relationship. I’m the one who dragged you all the way up this stupid mountain. You’re the one with the psycho past, but yeah… I take full responsibility.” He tugged his coat back on and zipped it up to his chin, then settled back against the wall and crossed his arms over his chest. “I give up.”

Panic filled her chest and threatened to steal her breath. The same panic she’d felt the night she’d come back from the east coast and broken things off with him. Words hovered on her lips—apologies, excuses, the truth—but she couldn’t voice them. In the end, what difference would they make? They’d still be in the same place—his life in danger and her being the cause—and that wouldn’t change until she got out of his life for good.

She reached for the Mylar blanket at her feet, rubbing it between her fingers. Minutes ago, it had been warm and cozy. Not it just felt cold and alone. Like her.

“You’ll freeze to death,” she managed. “We still need to share the blanket.”

“I’ll survive.”

He’d pulled his hood up, closed his eyes, and leaned his head back against the wall, effectively dismissing her. And as his jaw flexed beneath the sexy stubble on his cheek, tears filled her eyes, making her feel like an even bigger louse. “Mitch—”

“It’ll be light in a couple of hours. After we get out of here, I’ll call Ryan and find out what his guy’s discovered. Either way, you don’t have to worry. You can stay at Kendrick’s. I’ll find somewhere else to go.”

That wasn’t what she wanted at all. The panic multiplied, sending a fierce shooting pain all through her chest. “You don’t have to leave.”

He laughed again, but the sound held zero humor. “I don’t particularly want to stay anymore. You win, Simone. I’m done.”