House of Holes

Cardell Goes to the Laundromat

Cardell put on a black corduroy jacket and went to the laundromat at 18th Street and Grover Avenue. A woman was peering into the dryers. “Do you know which dryer leads to the House of Holes?” she asked, giving him an appraising look. She was pretty in an ethereally wavy flaxen-haired way.

“Well, I was told it was the fourth dryer from the end,” he said.

An old man spoke. “It is indeed the fourth dryer from the end,” he said. “But stay away from the House, both of you. Lila will suck you dry. You ever heard of King Nynus?”

Cardell shook his head. The ethereal girl nodded.

“That was me. I wasn’t a king, but I was rich. I had a harem with eighteen women, each lovely in a different way, and I spent my days eating watercress sandwiches. Now that’s all gone.”

“What happened?” asked the ethereal girl.

“Debts. I couldn’t get enough of the summertime Tit Swarm. That’s when they put a lot of women in a dark room and tell them, ‘Okay, tops off, girls, it’s a tit swarm!’ Then they let in one guy — me. The speaker says, ‘Man entering, repeat, man entering,’ and then the man gropes around, feeling everyone’s breasts. It’s so damn much fun.”

“What do you do now?” asked the flaxen girl.

“Now I sit here and tell people never to go to the House of Holes.”

“You’re kind of a naysayer, you know,” said the flaxen girl. Her curiosity piqued, she opened the door of the dryer and peered in.

“See anything?” said Cardell.

“Looks pretty ordinary to me,” she said.

“It’s not ordinary,” warned King Nynus.

The girl climbed in and pushed with her fingertips against the back. Cardell stared at the pockets of her jeans. “I think I found the way,” she called excitedly. Then suddenly she disappeared.

“Don’t let it close up, hold it open for me!” said Cardell. He climbed in after her, but when he pushed on the back it didn’t budge.

“It’ll be shut for a while now,” said King Nynus. “They never listen.”

“Damn,” Cardell whispered.

“Don’t worry, you’ll find a way in.” King Nynus pulled a small vial from his pocket. “Let me give you this.”

“Thanks, what is it?”

“It’s a powerful aphrodisiac. Lila sometimes sprinkles it in the water at the House of Holes. That’s one of her little secrets. It’s made from Prince Bohuslav’s beard. Give a gal a drop or two of that, and powee boom bang.”

“Fireworks?”

“Oh, heavens, yes. Do you know the story of Prince Bo-huslav’s beard? Surely you must.”

“No.”

“Then I’ll tell it to you.”