House of Holes

Wade Learns about the Cloth of Ka-Chiang

Wade’s vesicles were jumping, and he felt sunny inside. He wanted to be near a woman he didn’t know, but he felt a little shy, so he called up the House of Holes and said, “Hi, this is Wade, and I’d like to be able to be friendly with a woman.”

Wade was transferred to Lila, who said, “Honey, why don’t you come on by?”

Wade said, “Because I don’t know how.”

“Do you have a penis, Wade?”

Wade said he did.

“Then grab hold of it.”

Wade grabbed hold of it.

Lila said, “Now make it hard and stare it down. Is it hard yet?”

Wade said, “No, it shrank way down while I was making this call.”

Lila said, “Well, you’re not going to get anywhere without a dependable boner.”

Wade said, “I realize that. Okay, here it goes. It’s hard now.”

“Good, now stare right down at the hole in it. That’ll open up time and spice for you. We’re out here in spicetime.”

Wade stared at his cockhole and zoomed down into it. It was kind of an odd, juicy, self-referential experience, but at the end he emerged as himself in the waiting room outside Lila’s office. Lila’s assistant for the day, an intern named Crackers, opened the door and asked him in. Wade said hi to her. Crackers, dressed in black pipe-stem jeans, was not bad at all — in fact, she was perfect — and he wanted to fondle her or touch her shoulder but it didn’t seem the right moment. He sat down in the office chair. There at her desk was the famous Lila, a large and lovely gal of a certain age.

“I’d like to be able to help you, Wade,” said Lila. “How long are you going to want to be busy here at the House of Holes?”

“I’d say three, four days,” said Wade. He was tightening and loosening his thighs while Kegeling his love muscle, making his balls rearrange themselves. It all felt good in a crowded sort of way. “I figure maybe a girl will take a liking to me, and then I’ll get over my shyness and go home with her and then I’ll have a girlfriend.”

“Now there’s a plan, Wade. Four days, nine thousand dollars a day,” said Lila, calculating. “That’ll be thirty-six thousand dollars for room and board.”

“That’s too much. I can’t pay it.”

Lila said, “Can you drive a truck? Because if you look good enough naked I can offer you a half-time paid gig here in which you drive the sludge truck. That’s the truck that drops off the pornsludge after we’ve let it settle in the settling tanks.”

“Where do I drive it to?”

“We spread it over fields at the Triple O Raunch, and we grow all kinds of yellow and red and blue cornflowers there. Women walk through the fields after the flowers have bloomed and they get all hot and bothered, and they don’t know that there’s a layer of sanitary pornsludge underneath their feet. It’s a pretty good system. But it depends on how you look naked.”

“I see. Well, let me take my clothes off.” Wade handed Crackers his Hawaiian boxers, and she tied his penis back with a rough strip of burlap.

“Good, now I’ll weigh your testicles, if you don’t mind,” said Lila.

Just then Hax walked in and slapped his head. “Here she goes again, feeling the balls,” he said.

“Hax, please be quiet and let me do my job.” Lila cradled Wade’s balls. “Hmm, good temperature,” she said, frowning slightly. “You seem strong and resourceful.” She lifted one ball, let it fall, then lifted the other and let it fall. “They’re heavy, and they’re independent. I believe you’ve got naturopathic potential. Your balls are holistic. You pass the testes.”

Wade asked what that meant.

“Some men’s come — young men’s come — can develop special healing powers,” Lila answered. “Did you masturbate yet today?”

“I haven’t,” said Wade. “I was too busy thinking about calling you up.”

“Good,” said Lila. She opened a wooden box on her desk and lifted out the top part, which held old coins and stamps. Underneath was a folded green cloth with ancient symbols on it. “This is the sacred healing cloth of Ka-Chiang,” Lila said. “I’m going to tie it loosely around your balls. If you wear it for twenty-four hours you’ll develop a crop of new sperm — very, very special sperm.”

“Special how?” asked Wade.

“If the cloth works as it should,” said Lila, “your new sperm will have the power to reattach human limbs or heads.”

“That’s interesting,” said Wade.

Gently, with her head held slightly to the side, Lila tied the green cloth around Wade’s balls. As she worked its corners into a small knot, the tugging made him smile slightly. His penis grew under the roughness of the burlap and pointed off to the side. “How does the Ka-Chiang cloth feel to you?” Lila asked.

“Not bad,” he said.

“Not too tight?” she said.

He said no, just right. “Burlap tickles, though.”

“Now,” she said, “you’re almost ready to go, but first you must, absolutely must, empty out the crop of mature sperm in your system, so that you will have a fresh, new generation formed under the powerful influence of Ka-Chiang. Crackers, could you please do a sexy lap dance to help Wade while he gives himself pleasure?”

Wade made a noise. “You mean I’m supposed to wank while Crackers does a lap dance?”

“If you’d like to give yourself pleasure privately in a different room you can do that instead.”

“No, it’s not that. It’s just that you tied this handkerchief on my balls and now this. It’s happening rather fast is all I’m saying.”

“It must happen fast,” said Lila, gesticulating. “We must clear out the old regime. The old tired ways of sperm must go. The young ones need their room to flourish.” She handed Wade a small jade cup. “Ejaculate your sweet salty hotness in that, if you like. Or in my hand. I’d love to hold your seed.” She held out her hand.

Wade put the jade cup down. “Maybe I’m too shy to have you watch me,” he said. “Maybe I should go back home.”

“Crackers, flash Wade your marvelous smile,” said Lila. Crackers smiled a marvelous smile. “See, you’re a prisoner now. You can’t escape. You’re going to have to come in this jade cup.”

Lila’s hands went down to Wade’s knees, and then she slowly brought them up, touching only the hair on his thighs. Meanwhile, Crackers hooked her thumb under his cock and began moving it around.

“Tell me about a girl you think about at night,” Lila coaxed.

“Well, at night,” Wade said, swallowing, “sometimes I think about this girl in my Ancient Civilizations class. She listens to my ideas about the Phoenician traders, and we don’t agree but it’s okay. I’ve talked to her in the cafeteria a couple of times. She has a baggy blue T-shirt that says Froot Loops.” Crackers lightly touched Wade’s hipbones and his chest. Wade tightened his pectoral muscles when her fingers passed over them.

“What do you imagine doing with her?” Lila asked. “Grip your cock with both hands and tell me.”

Wade gripped his cock like a flag bearer. “I think about putting my hand up under her Froot Loops T-shirt,” he said.

“And what about her ass?”

“It’s sacred ground. It’s so loose and so jiggly it isn’t even funny.”

Lila smiled at his shyness. “You’re a sweet boy, Wade, and I want to see those handsome white teeth when you come. We’re going to coax all the old jizz out of those hot young stones of yours. Don’t be shy now, let’s see you work it. I want you to look me right in the eyes and stroke that big meat wagon for me. Isn’t that a nice dingaling he has, Crackers?”

Crackers felt Wade’s cock and smiled and nodded. “Nice,” she said.

Wade smiled at her gratefully, then pumped himself.

“Oh, yeah, I like when your balls hop like that in the cloth!” said Lila. “You want to see some tit cleavage to keep that dick hard? Here’s some tit cleavage for you. Make those balls jump for me. That’s it.”

Wade stared at Lila’s boobs, one and then the other. He was as hard as a flügelhorn by now. He put his thumb on the side of his dick at the base and moved it and watched his dick wang lewdly this way and that.

Lila leaned forward. “Pardon me, I want a whiff of that.” She tipped her nose and sniffed as Wade pointed the head of his dick at her face. “Mmmmm, that is a musky little fucker, isn’t it? Makes me want to shake my boobs around for you. Want to see them really shake? Crackers, help me free up one of these bad babies for Wade.”

She pulled off her sweater. Underneath was a huge pink-and-white bra. She reached into one of the bra cups and pulled out something shaped a little like a baby seal. Wade had never seen anything so big and so beautiful in his life.

“Oh, my, that’s a massive tit!” Wade said.

Then Lila and Crackers scooped the other tit out, and Lila leaned forward, and when Wade touched the crinkly skin around her nipple she shivered and said, “My cookies are very sensitive.” She hauled the tits together and pointed them at Wade and shook them. Then she held the shallow jade cup under one of her huge pancake nipples. “Now, my young friend, empty your stones all over this nipple and fill up this cup. I want to see the miracle of your come.”

“I don’t know if it’s going to be all that miraculous,” Wade said.

“All orgasms are marvels, so shoot that wad for me, darlin’,” said Lila.

Wade, pumping slower and squeezing harder, approached the moment of abandonment. He could feel his squirter chamber filling as his sack crinkled and his balls tossed everything they had in the jizz hopper. “Mgonna come, mgonna come,” he whuffled, and then he said, “Nnnnnnggggggggaaaaaaaw!” and there came the fluid catapult. His dickhole pushed open and a doublethick sackshot pitched out onto Lila’s nipple and dripped down into the jade cup.

“Ooh, cream my tit, milk that cockmeat all over it, get it all out!” Lila said, frowning and shaking drops of come from her nipple into the cup. Then she handed Crackers the jade cup and smiled at Wade. She began putting her unforgettable wonderbreasts away.

“Now sleep and let the magic ball-hanky do its work,” she said. “It will give you confidence.” She slid on her sweater and fluffed her hair. “Take him to the hotel,” she said to Crackers. “He’ll be staying the night.”

Wade followed Crackers to his room, hugged her, and got into bed. The sheets were cool and clean. He slept happily and soundly with the cloth of Ka-Chiang tied around his balls.