I'm a fool to kill you

FIFTY-FOUR

‘Should we warn Bappie?’ Ava asked while we were eating.

‘I don’t think so, Ava,’ I said. ‘She’s probably not in any danger. If they bugged her, they know everything she knows, and they realize she doesn’t know much.’

Ava looked at Jerry for reinforcement. He looked at me for permission. I nodded.

‘Mr G. is right,’ he said. ‘She’s OK. Just don’t call her again.’

‘I won’t,’ Ava said. ‘I just. . I didn’t want her to worry.’

‘It’s OK,’ I said.

Ava bit into her club sandwich and said to Jerry, ‘This is perfect, Jerry. Thanks for thinking of it.’

Jerry gave me a self-satisfied look as I bit into my burger.

I decided to stay in the house that night, so I got some blankets and a pillow and made myself a bed on the living room floor. Me and Jerry were roomies.

‘I think she’s unhappy,’ Jerry said, keeping his voice low.

It was dark, but we each knew the other was still awake.

‘You’re right about that,’ I said.

‘But why?’ he asked, ‘I mean. . she’s freakin’ Ava Gardner. Everybody loves her.’

‘Not everybody, Jerry,’ I said. ‘And she doesn’t love herself. She keeps talkin’ about how she looks.’

‘She looks amazin’,’ Jerry said.

‘To you and me,’ I said, ‘and maybe to most men, but to herself she doesn’t look the way she did at twenty-five, or even thirty-five.’

‘Oooh,’ Jerry said, getting it, ‘she’s afraid of gettin’ old.’ He lowered his voice even more when he said it.

‘Like most movie stars, I guess.’

‘But. . she can’t even be forty yet. She’s got lots of time.’

‘There maybe more to it than that, Jerry,’ I said. ‘There’s the break up with Frank, the drinkin’, she mentioned somethin’ about Papa dyin’.’

‘Her dad?’

‘No, I think she meant Ernest Hemingway,’ I said. I folded my arms, stared up at the ceiling. ‘They’ve been friends since she made The Killers. She must’ve taken it hard when he killed himself.’

‘So she’s got a lot goin’ on,’ he said.

‘Yup.’

‘And now a black out.’

We remained silent for a while, and then he said. ‘Mr G., you ever black out? I mean, lose some time like that?’

‘No,’ I said, ‘never.’

‘Me neither. Must be pretty scary.’

‘Yeah,’ I said, ‘must be.’

Ava was experiencing a lot of fear; fear of getting old, maybe fear of being alone, and now fear of what she might have done during those forty hours.

‘We have to find out for her, Jerry,’ I said. ‘We have to fix it so she at least doesn’t have to be afraid of that. She’s got enough to deal with.’

‘OK, Mr G.,’ he said. ‘I’m with ya.’