Inked Armour

2 HAYDEN

A few days, a week, just a little longer. Everyone told me she needed time. Her silence told me she needed time.

Fuck time.

Time went on and on. An endless cycle of sleep, wake, bear the agony, and repeat. I fucking hated time.

Tenley had been gone for three weeks. Every day without her was sensory deprivation, drawn out and torturous from beginning to end. The first week, I called her every day. Her phone always went to voice mail. She never called back. I stopped calling because it sucked to know I’d been discarded so easily.

Memories of her were everywhere: home, work, Serendipity. I couldn’t escape. So at least I understood why she came to Chicago in the first place: to get away from the ceaseless reminders. I couldn’t figure out what had compelled her to go back, though. She could run from me all she wanted, but returning to the place she’d fled from didn’t make much sense. Unless she was looking to shackle herself to the guilt again. It was easy to deny the possibility of a future when she let the past drag her down. I knew. I’d done that for years until Tenley came along.

There was a soft knock on the door to the tattoo room. Lisa was checking up on me again.

Inked Armor was closed, but for the past three weeks I’d spent most of my free time at the shop or Tenley’s empty apartment. Being alone in my condo was unbearable. At least in the shop I could pretend things weren’t so shitty. Hints of her presence still lurked like shadows, but not in the same way as at her apartment or my condo. It was depressing as hell. Regardless, I went to her apartment every day, if only to briefly check on her things. On the worst days, I stayed for hours and steeped myself in the pain of being there without her.

Lisa poked her head in the door. “Hey, I tried to call you.”

“Sorry, my phone must be off.”

I picked up a deep red pen and filled in some color on my sketch. It wasn’t the right shade. The design ruined, I filed it in the folder along with the others and grabbed another sheet of paper.

“Cassie’s expecting us in an hour. Why don’t you put that away and catch a ride with me and Jamie?”

“Yeah, about that. I don’t think I’m going to go.”

After I’d bailed on Thanksgiving, Cassie had taken to inviting the Inked Armor crew over on Sundays. Initially I refused because someone had to be at the shop. Then Lisa changed the hours so we weren’t open on Sundays. No one consulted me. Since Chris and Jamie were partners, and they both agreed, majority rule made it so. Lisa cited the slower pace of winter as a rationale when I fought her on the decision. I wasn’t stupid. Forced social interaction wasn’t going to work. Tenley was the only thing that would make things better, and she wasn’t talking to me—so I was fucked.

Lisa snagged the wheelie chair and sat down, rolling over to the opposite side of the desk. TK gave a groggy little mew at the disturbance. She got lonely being in my condo by herself, so when I came to the shop during off hours to get away from the nothingness, I brought her along. She came with me to check on Tenley’s apartment, too.

“You can’t miss dinner this time,” Lisa said.

“I want to finish this.”

I laid the new sheet of paper over the outline and began tracing the design again. Once I perfected the color scheme, I planned to persuade Chris to put it on my skin. I would have preferred Jamie to take on the piece because it was portrait, not tribal, but he’d already said no. So had Chris, but I could get him to change his mind. I didn’t have room left on my arms for it, unless I covered over an old tattoo. I was seriously considering doing that because I wanted the piece on display. The prospect of new ink made me feel better.

Lisa put her hand over mine. I pulled away, the physical contact unmanageable.

“Why don’t you take a break? The art will be here when you get back.”

“I’d rather not.” I could feel her eyes on me, assessing. I probably needed a shower and I definitely needed to shave, but that took effort.

“How long have you been here? Did you go home last night?”

“Yeah.” It was trueish.

“Did you sleep?”

“For a few hours.”

Ever since Tenley had left, sleep had been elusive. I clocked in three, maybe four hours before the nightmares began. Sometimes they were about my parents, but mostly they were about Tenley. In the most frequent one she was dressed in cream-colored satin, a small red spot marring the fabric between her breasts. The mark spread, turning the cream a brilliant shade of red. In the dream, I could never get to her. Stuck in a doorway, I watched helplessly as the life drained out of her. Eventually her skin turned the color the satin had been.

I could never go back to sleep. The nightmares were too vivid. After the first one I’d called Tenley’s cell in the middle of the night. I hadn’t left a message, but like a loser I called back several times just to hear her recorded voice.

“I think you should come,” Lisa pressed.

“I’m not very good company right now, and I don’t want to leave TK alone.” My foot bounced on the floor as I waited for Lisa to leave me alone.

“I know you miss her, but shutting everyone out isn’t going to help.”

I set the pencil down and closed my eyes. Lisa wasn’t going to let up. “I don’t feel up to going, so can you back off?”

Startled, TK dug her nails into my leg.

“Fine. If that’s the way you want it.” Lisa shot out of her chair and reached over the desk. She scooped TK out of my lap and started for the door.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I stood too fast and got an instant head rush, forcing me to sit back down.

“Going to Cassie’s. See you later.”

I tried again. This time I managed to stay on my feet despite the dizzy spell. “Give me TK.”

“No.”

“Give me my fucking kitten!” I shouted. It was completely irrational for me to be so upset. Lisa wasn’t going to run off with her, but rational and I hadn’t seen much of each other lately.

Lisa cradled TK gently against her chest, stroking her puffed-up fur. “Not until you agree to come to Cassie’s.”

“You’re going to blackmail me into going to dinner?”

“I get that it’s hard, Hayden, but what you’re doing right now isn’t going to bring her home. Cassie is worried sick about you. I’m worried about you. We’re all worried about you. You’re not coping.”

“I’m coping just fine.”

“Really? Because last time I checked, isolation and lack of personal hygiene are two pretty good indicators that someone isn’t.”

“Can we not do this right now? It’s too hard. I just don’t know . . .” The anger seeped out of me, replaced with the consuming emptiness I’d felt since Tenley took off.

Lisa stepped away from the door. “Let’s go up to your place so you can shower; maybe even get rid of the hipster beard you’ve got going on. Then we’ll head to Cassie’s.”

I sighed, too tired to fight. “Fine.”

TK jumped out of Lisa’s arms and bounded over to me, weaving between my legs. When I lifted her up, she stretched and put her paws on my chest. Then she nudged my chin with the top of her head, as if she approved of the plan.

We left the shop and I locked up. Jamie was parked out front, waiting in the car. He got out and the two of them trailed behind me as we entered the lobby of my building. It was both advantageous and problematic to live above where I worked, especially now when I didn’t want to be in my condo. They followed me up the stairs to the second floor. It took me a while to find my keys, and my hand shook as I slid it into the lock. I couldn’t remember if I’d eaten today. Or the day before—which accounted for the light-headedness in the shop.

I stepped inside and toed off my shoes, putting them in the closet. “Uh, give me a second. I wasn’t expecting anyone to come over; I need to put a few things away.”

That was a lie. My place was immaculate, as always. That I’d been able to endure Tenley’s constant disarray was evidence of her importance in my life, because that shit usually drove me nuts. Though things such as shaving had become optional since Tenley went away, my OCD tendencies had kicked up a notch in other areas. My compulsion for organization and perfection became more extreme the longer she was gone.

I walked down the hall, flipped on the light, and went right. I checked every room, saving my bedroom for last. The tightrope of anxiety unknotted as I hit the switch and light bathed the room in a warm glow. I surveyed the smooth lines of my slate-gray comforter and the pillows propped against the headboard. The red and black one in the center was the only thing that disrupted the flow of the lines. I’d taken it from Tenley’s apartment because it was the one she slept on.

I returned to Lisa and Jamie, who were patiently waiting at the door. They were well aware of what I needed to do before they could come in. They’d already taken off their shoes and put them in the closet.

“We’re good?” Jamie asked.

“Yeah. Make yourselves comfortable.” I waved them down the hall into the living room.

“Wow, Hayden, it’s a real mess in here,” Jamie joked, and almost ran into Lisa, who had stopped in the middle of the room.

“Oh, wow,” she breathed.

She was reacting to the new art on the wall. Lisa and Jamie hadn’t been over in a while. Not since things had become interesting with Tenley. They used to come by after work for pre-bar drinks because of the convenience. The last time I’d been out, other than that one time to The Dollhouse, was the night I’d watched Tenley throat-punch that handsy fucker way back in September.

I hadn’t known that night was the beginning of the end for me. Without her I was in a worse place than I was before her arrival in my life, and now I had no vices.

“You’ve been busy,” Jamie observed in his quiet, nonjudgmental way.

“Helps pass the time when I can’t sleep.”

Lisa moved closer, staring at the framed drawings. It made me feel exposed to have her inspect them. Mine were the only eyes they were meant for.

“Did Tenley see these?”

Even hearing her name hurt. “Only the one in the middle.”

I wanted to rewind my life three weeks. I would have kept her naked in my bed instead of retrieving TK from her apartment; the cat would’ve survived a night without food. Then maybe her not-quite brother-in-law wouldn’t have taken her away.

But it hadn’t panned out that way. Tenley had left me. When she returned, there was no certainty I would still factor in as part of her equation. Based on her lack of communication, I assumed we were through.

I was a head case. She’d been gone almost half as long as we’d been together, but I didn’t seem to be getting over her well. “I’m gonna get cleaned up. Help yourself to a drink if you want one. You know where everything is.”

That drained feeling took over again as I crossed through my bedroom to the bathroom. I turned on the water and returned to the bedroom, where I stripped out of my clothes, then separated them into the color-coded laundry hampers before I returned to the bathroom. I checked to make sure it was hot and got under the spray.

Twenty minutes later I was clean, shaved, and dressed. Normally I would do the tie-and-collared-shirt thing for events at Cassie’s, but jeans and a button-down was all I could manage.

I found TK in her usual spot: on my bed, curled up against Tenley’s pillow. “I’ll be back later,” I said, scratching under her chin.

Before we left, I changed her water and put some food in her dish. When we reached the street, Chris and Sarah were standing by the car door. Talk about feeling like a fifth wheel. I almost did an about-face back into my building.

“You take the front seat, Hayden, there’s more legroom,” Lisa said, climbing into the back after Sarah.

I folded myself into the passenger seat, appreciating the way Chris had to pretzel himself in behind me, even when I pulled my seat forward.

As we made the short trip to the outskirts of the city where Cassie and Nate lived, Lisa and Sarah talked about some spa bullshit they’d organized. If Tenley were still here, they would have hijacked her for the expedition.

Cassie and Nate lived in a Century home at the north end of Chicago, close to the water. We parked in their driveway and everyone filed out, except for Chris. He grunted an expletive as he held on to the door and heaved. It was like watching someone extricate himself from a clown car. I smiled.

“You”—he pointed at me—“get to sit in the back on the way home.”

“It’s not my fault you don’t have the common sense to buy a vehicle with doors, since it snows five months out of the year.”

“I don’t need a steel box—my girl’s got one.” He wrapped an arm around Sarah and pulled her to his side.

The low thwack and the chastising whisper that followed irked me and I looked away. I hated that I was too fucking sensitive to deal with their happiness. Crossing the stone drive to the front steps, I rang the doorbell.

I’d stopped going over to Serendipity after Tenley left. Cassie had to hire another part-time employee in her place, at least it wasn’t a girl this time. Cassie said it was just for the holiday season, but I couldn’t deal with seeing someone else sitting behind the cashier’s desk. So Lisa and Jamie made all the coffee runs now. Cassie didn’t send her new employee by with deliveries for me, either, which was a relief. That might have pushed me over the edge.

Instead Cassie brought the books over herself, one at a time, ensuring biweekly visits. I accepted them, aware she was checking up on me. I didn’t allow her to corner me in private, though, because I knew what the conversation would consist of, and I couldn’t go there.

Cassie answered the door as though she’d been waiting by the window for us to show up. “Hayden! I’m so glad you came.” She threw her arms around me, hugging me fiercely.

“Lisa didn’t give me much of a choice.” I patted Cassie back. The contact felt foreign and uncomfortable.

“You’ve lost weight. Are you eating? Can I get you something?”

This was why I’d refused to come. I didn’t want pity or concern.

“I’m good for now, thanks.”

She pulled me inside, allowing the others to enter the vestibule. The attention shifted away from me as she greeted everyone, giving hugs, making chitchat. Nate came out of the sitting room, a glass of scotch in his hand. I shed my shoes and coat and headed for him. We did the handshake/back-pat thing.

“How are you?” he asked, looking at me the same way everyone else did these days.

“Fine. I need a drink, though.”

I skirted around him and went to the bar, pouring myself a healthy dose of scotch. Nate always had the good stuff. I didn’t bother with ice because I didn’t want to water it down. I took a seat and sipped my drink, working on keeping my hands steady.

Beers were opened, wine was poured, appetizers set out; everyone got comfortable, couples cuddling up on various pieces of furniture. Conversation went on around me as I watched my scotch disappear—talk of Christmas plans, New Year’s celebrations, organizing last-minute shopping trips. On and on. Around and around. And none of it mattered. It was nothing I wanted to be part of.

I wondered what Tenley was doing, whether she had plans for the holidays. She probably had friends back in Arden Hills who wanted to spend time with her; people she’d left behind. Or maybe she’d be back here by then. I’d get her a present just in case, even if she didn’t want to be with me anymore.

I set my glass down and headed for the stairs, too fidgety to stay still any longer. The railing was smooth beneath my palm as I climbed the spiraling case. Sometimes stairs made me uneasy.

Beyond the smells, the climb to the second floor was the thing I remembered most vividly from the night of my parents’ murders. The slow ascent as I tried to stealthily get to my bedroom before I woke them up. Mischief’s warning meows as I reached the landing. The endless hallway. The unusual slice of light coming from under their bedroom door. And the rank odor of death followed by the horrifying visual when I pushed it open, knowing something was wrong.

When I reached the top, I exhaled the breath I’d been holding. I peeked in every room and stopped at the one that had been mine during my brief stay with Cassie and Nate. I sat down on the edge of the bed, exhaustion sweeping over me. The last three weeks had been a constant roller coaster of anxiety, and the stress had worn me down. I wasn’t sure how long I sat there, but eventually someone knocked.

Nate pushed the door open. “I thought you might be up here.”

“I needed a breather.”

“You mind some company?” He handed me the glass I’d left downstairs, refilled.

When I shrugged, he sat next to me. He leaned forward, his elbows rested on his thighs as he swirled his drink, ice cubes clinking against the crystal.

I waited for him to say something. Nate was the kind of guy who laid it all out there. It had been a problem for me when I’d stayed with them before. He wanted me to talk about what I went through. When I told him about the nightmares back then, he insisted I see a shrink—someone other than him, who could have an impartial view. I refused. Not long after I turned eighteen, I moved out, and things had gone downhill fast from there. With no one to enforce any boundaries, I went off the rails. It had taken a good two years before my head came out of my ass.

“No offense, Hayden, but you don’t look very good.”

“You should have seen me before I shaved.” When he didn’t say anything, I sighed. “I’m not sleeping well.”

“Are you having the nightmares again?”

“It’s not a big deal. They happen when I’m stressed.”

For the past couple of years they’d been manageable. Every once in a while I went through a period when they resurfaced, but after a few weeks they let up again. Until Tenley had left. Now they came nightly.

“What are they about?”

“The usual.” That wasn’t quite accurate.

“Are they like the ones you had after your parents were killed?”

“Kind of.”

While the dreams about my parents unnerved me, the ones about Tenley scared the crap out of me. Usually they were more like snapshots of memories and flashes of events, such as the interrogation with Cross. Some of the nightmares were about previous women, who always morphed into Tenley. That my subconscious allowed such a thing freaked me out. But as much as they sucked, they were just dreams fused with memories. Nothing Nate needed to know about.

“Do you want me to prescribe you something to help with the sleep?”

“Nah, it’ll pass.” Meds were in my cabinet already, and except for one time a couple months back, I refused to take them. I might not be handling things well, but I knew what drug dependency looked like. Prescription or not, I had no desire to fall into that pit of self-destruction. We sat there for a while and I expected him to throw something else at me, but he didn’t. Eventually the words just came out, even though I’d vowed not to talk about it with him.

“I keep going back to the night she left, wondering if I could have done something differently. And there’s this one thing her brother-in-law said that I can’t get out of my head.”

“What’s that?”

“He said I was her punishment.”

“Punishment?” A crease formed between Nate’s eyes. “For what?”

“I don’t know. Surviving?” I rubbed the back of my neck.

“That seems a little extreme, considering what Tenley’s been through.”

“She didn’t deny it, though. So it has to be true.”

“I’m not sure I agree with that. It depends on the context, doesn’t it? And that brother-in-law of hers sounds like quite the bastard from what I’ve been told. I think the better question is, do you feel that way about yourself?”

I hesitated. “Maybe? Tenley could have been slumming it, like he said.”

“Slumming it? You don’t live in the projects.”

“I’m not exactly aspiring to be in the upper class, though, am I? My high school diploma was granted out of pity, not merit. I have no postsecondary education and I definitely don’t conform to societal expectations.”

Generally, the only people who wanted to be around me were the ones who wanted my art on them. It didn’t say much about me as a person.

“First of all, the upper class is primarily made up of narcissistic assholes, so it’s better not to aim for that status. Secondly, your problem in high school wasn’t ability. Your diploma was granted because you are competent. You were leagues above your peers and you were bored to tears. Which is partly why you behaved the way you did.”

“I would have been a pain in the ass even if boredom hadn’t been an issue.”

“Maybe. But let’s be honest, Hayden—as much as I loved your parents, they didn’t exactly keep close tabs on you.”

He was right, though it felt like a betrayal to think of them as anything less than perfect. Not until I started coming home drunk and high did they try to put a leash on me. By that time it was too late.

When I stayed silent, he continued, “Nonconformity has been your mantra since you developed independent thought. Plus, you were their only child and they couldn’t say no to you. When you lost them, you lost yourself, too. But that doesn’t make you someone else’s punishment.”

I held up a hand. He was spewing too much affirmation crap. “Enough with the headshrinking.”

Nate smiled, amused. “It’s a natural impulse, I’m afraid. And there’s nothing wrong with therapy.”

“I’m not crazy.”

“I didn’t say you were.”

“I don’t need to talk about my shit.”

“Everyone needs to talk about their shit.”

“I knew I shouldn’t have said anything,” I said, irritated that I’d opened my mouth in the first place.

“You’ve spent the last seven years owning the death of your parents. That’s you punishing yourself. So it would make sense for you to internalize Tenley’s leaving as if it’s a reflection of something you’ve done, rather than an external force.”

It was hard to fight the truth. That was the reason I never allowed myself to get close to Nate. I talked too much when I was around him.

“I keep everyone on the periphery on purpose.” I shook my head at the irony. “And the second I let Tenley in, she leaves me. It fucking hurts. It’s like there’s this huge hole in my chest, and if she just came back, it would go away and I would be fine. Except that’s not true—because there will always be this thing between us now.”

“You’re referring to her deceased fiancé?”

Nate waited silently.

It embarrassed the shit out of me that he knew my business.

“Here’s the thing I can’t figure out: If I hurt this much over someone who is still alive and I’ve known for a few months, then how did she manage to move on after losing nine people? That’s why I think I’m her punishment. Like she picked me because I can never be right for her.”

“Love doesn’t always have convenient timing.”

“Tenley doesn’t love me.” I wished people would stop saying that. At first I believed it, but after weeks of silence, I didn’t anymore. I’d gone all the way to Arden Hills to get her back, only to end up being thwarted by that fucknut Trey. If I ever saw him again, he wouldn’t be walking away with teeth.

“Did she tell you that?”

“She left me. I think that says it all.”

“Have you considered that maybe she left because she doesn’t know how to handle how she feels about you?”

“She left because she had to deal with her estate.”

“I’m sure that’s part of the reason.”

“Whatever. The reasons don’t change the fact that she’s gone.” I downed the rest of my scotch and pushed up off the edge of the bed. “I need a refill.”

Dinner was more of the same. I zoned out, thinking about Tenley. Christmas was barely more than two weeks away and I worried how Tenley would handle the holidays. In the past I’d drowned them in booze and drugs. Now I limited it to scotch; sophisticated drunkenness and all that.

After dinner I made everyone leave the kitchen so I could clean up; creating order out of chaos helped ease the anxiety. I wanted to get home because I hadn’t checked Tenley’s apartment yet today and the deviation from my routine exacerbated the OCD, making me a slave to compulsion.

When I finished putting away the last of the dishes, I went back out to the living room. The girls were huddled around Cassie’s phone. I leaned over to check out what had them so riveted and heard Lisa whisper something about Tenley. They rarely mentioned her in front of me on the chance I might lose my shit. Or the notso-off chance. Lisa moved her head and the screen came into view; it contained an e-mail from Tenley.

“What the fuck?”

I snatched the phone out of Cassie’s hand and did a quick scan before she grabbed it back. It was a money transfer for Tenley’s rent. She’d sent it early. She usually paid on the fifteenth of every month, and the message along with it said she was fine, but she wasn’t sure when she would be back. At the end she asked how I was doing; if I was managing all right. As if she felt sorry for me. It was such a fucking kick in the balls.

“She’s been e-mailing you? For how long?” I asked. Unable to mask the goddamn hurt, I channeled it into anger.

They all shrank back, surprised by the outburst. Sarah and Lisa exchanged a look.

“Has she been in contact with you, too?” I looked from one to the other. Their guilty expressions were enough of an answer. I pinned Lisa with an accusatory glare. “Are you shitting me? You, of all people, kept this from me? You’re supposed to be my friend. Where’s your fucking loyalty?”

“We didn’t want to upset you,” Lisa explained.

Upset didn’t begin to cover it. I couldn’t believe Tenley had been in touch with everyone but me. “Fuck all of you.”