Kieron Smith, Boy

In the old place the river was not far from our street. There was a park and all different things in between. The park had a great pond with paddleboats and people sailed model yachts. Ye caught fish in it too. Ye caught them with poles that had wee nets tied at the end. But most people did not have these. Ye just caught them with yer hands. Ye laid down on yer front close into the edge on the ground. Here it sloped sharp into the water, so ye did not go too close. Just yer shoulders reached that bit where the slope started. Ye rolled up yer sleeves and put yer hands together and let them go down it. Just slow, then touching the water and yer hands going in. If ye went too fast ye went right in up yer arms over yer shoulders. Ye only went a wee bit, a wee bit, a wee bit till yer hands were down as far. Then yer palms up the way, holding together. If a fish came by ye saw it and just waited till it came in close. If it just stayed there over yer hands, that was how ye were waiting. It was just looking about. What was it going to do? Oh be careful if ye do it too fast, if yer fingers just move and even it is just the totiest wee bit. Its tail whished and it was away or else it did not and stayed there, so if ye grabbed it and ye got it and it did not get away. So that was you, ye caught one.

But they were quick, ye had to do it right.

Ye were having to watch it as well how yer body went, lying on yer front, if it was wee bits at a time ye were moving. And ye did not notice till ye slid right down and the water was up yer shoulders, oh mammy. Yer hands reached the bottom and ye pressed and pressed to push yer feet back up and if a big boy caught yer feet and pulled ye out or else that was you and ye went right the way in the water. That happened to people and men had to go in and get them. Daft wee b****r.

On the bottom was all slimy mud, broken bottles and bits of glass and bricks and nails and old stuff, everything. Prams and bike-wheels, and shoes, and then a man's bunnet. I saw that.

One time I was soaking the whole way through and my maw was completely angry, how I was going to die of pneumonia or else diphtheria if ye swallowed the water. My da was home on leave and he gived me a doing. But I liked going to the pond. The men sailed their boats there and had races, and their boats were great. Ye saw their sails and how the boat was tipping right over till it was going to capsize but it did not, it was just picking up speed because the wind was there and it was good, so they were all sailing great and the boys all shouting, and the men too. Go on Go on, Hold there.

Old men as well, if their boat was going to win the race and they shouted their names if the boat had its name and they did. All had good names, Stormy Petrel and Sea Scout. Oh hold there Sea Scout.

I telled my granda. He would have liked it, if the old men were there too, he could have went with me and they had seats, people could sit in the seats and just watch.

My Uncle Billy had a model yacht when he was a boy. He got it off somebody whose da worked in the docks. It was not a toy. Model yachts were real boats and they sailed good. It was just they were wee. If ye could have made a wish and shrunk to a Tom Thumb ye could have climbed aboard and put to sea for treasure islands. Then if ye were getting chased, ye could hide anywhere ye wanted. It would just be a thing like a cat or a dog, ye would have to be careful then, if they caught ye, and ate ye. Or if it was a mouse, they dragged ye into their hole, oh mammy.

Our old house had mice. My maw and me and Mattie were going to have breakfast and there they all were on top of the kitchen table and up on the sink and the draining board, piles of them. My maw went potty and started greeting. Me and Mattie scattered them and chased them but we could not catch them and did not know what to do. My maw was shouting in a high voice. Ohh ohhh!

We went and got my granda. He was not going to come but then he did. My grannie said it was just silly to climb up all the stairs, he would have no breath. Aye I will. That was what he said. I am going.

He made it a laugh. It is a big safari hunt. So then he gived me a joke. How far we going son?

Safari's the kitchen granda.

Our house was three up on the top storey. My granda stopped at all the landings on the way up to get his breath back. When we went into the house he knew where the mice were all hiding. My maw went away out the room. My granda showed us. Oh there behind the chair. See in that shoe. Oh look at the side of the cupboard.

Then he done something, then we had shoes in our hands. We sat waiting for them to come out and when they did ye were to bash them, and if ye got one it was great. They were just wee things, and when they were there ye saw how wee they were, a bit of body at the top, then just with their tails. Ye held the shoe at the ready and had to be quick and ye had to get them the first time. Matt was good at getting them. My granda sat on the chair and telled us what to do. Then there were wee wee toty ones. They did not even run so ye just bashed them. My granda said they were babies. But ye were still to bash them, ye were not to let them go else they were going to grow up and it would be a plague of them, so ye had to do it and ye did not want to because if they were just wee and they were babies, but ye had to.

My granda had two cats that were mousers, a big one and a wee one. After we got the mice that was what my granda said, Oh I should just have brought the cats, the cats would have gobbled them up. I was not thinking.

The cats were there in my grannie's house. The wee one lied on the floor near granda's feet. If I went there the cat crawled under granda's chair. He did not like people except my granda. But I could pet him. My grannie did not. The wee cat went to her but she never petted him. Except she spoke to him. Oh what are ye wanting now?

The big cat was a friendly one and rubbed against ye but it stayed in the front room all the time and was down by the window or else on grannie's bed. The sun came in the window on her. But if ye kicked out the wee cat the big one came in. My granda done it. He just said, Oh I have had enough of you. Away and kick him out son.

So I done it. The cat did not like to go. I just took him. Cats do not like cats. My granda said, They like people better.

What about dogs?

Dogs do not like cats.

Do cats like dogs?

Some cats. Dogs are worse than people, that is what cats think.

Cats do not like anybody, said my grannie, they are just selfish besoms.

Oh we are all selfish besoms, said my granda.

No we are not, said my grannie.

Aye but if they are mousers.

Granda said about me getting one but it was my da, he did not like them. My maw did not either, she said they could be dirty. Where had their paws been? Ye did not know except it was dirt, cats were always in dirt. So were dogs.

My granda was great. If he came to the pond with me, he would have liked it. Some boys had poles and men let them steer the boats on their course and they walked round the banks. The men set the sails then launched the boat in a certain way, just pushing it out. They knew where it would land and telled the boys. If ye did not know people ye just followed a boat ye liked. Some boys chased ye, others let ye stay. They did not listen if ye asked them a question. Ye could never get too close to a boat and they never let ye sail it.

Uncle Billy's boat got lost, else he would have gived it to me. But my granda said it was all just toys, how in our family it was real boats. He ran away to sea when he was fourteen and telled the Captain he was fifteen. He was in the Merchant Navy same as my da except my da's job was better. My granda was just able-bodied. My da said they were ten-a-penny.

I had cousins at sea. One was in the Cadets. I was wanting to join. My maw did not want me to but my da said I could, it was a good life and ye saved yer money, except if ye were daft and done silly things. He said it to me. I would just have to grow up first.

***

There were great smells at the river and big ships went down it, ocean-going. Ye heard the horn and ran to see them. Ye had to run fast so it would not be away. Everybody was cheering maybe if it was a new one just built and here it was launched. Even if it was an old cargo boat or else a container ship. I liked them. Where had they been? They were all old and had been places all over the world. It was great, and ye were walking along and running along beside it then ye had to go round a corner and round a river-street and then back down and there was the river and the boat was there.

Ye heard the horn sometimes and ye were in bed, it was creepy, ye were maybe asleep but ye still heard it, if it was coming out of nowhere, that was how it sounded, ooohhhhh ooohhhhh, ooohhhhh ooohhhhh, oooooohhhhhhhhh, and a big low voice. Just creepy. One time my da was home on leave and took me and Mattie down dead late at night. It was for a special boat. Other people were there, lasses too. We were all there waiting. It was completely foggy and just as if there was no noise hardly anywhere and everything was thick, very very thick, and ye could hardly hear anything and ye could not see nothing except yellow coming through where the lights were, ye were holding on to yer da's hand, then Look, look! That was my da and in a quiet voice, See, look!

And the yellow was coming out, all bright through the fog, and it was all lights, ye could not even see the funnels or the top parts because with the fog all hiding it. But there it was it was the ship out from the fog, ooohhhhh ooohhhhh, it was the special one. My da was just watching and me and Matt. Ye felt a feeling in yer body and how my da was standing straight so we did it as well. He was Merchant Navy, but he liked the Royal Navy too. And all the sailors all looking down and waving to us and we were cheering, everybody was just cheering and just ye were greeting, I was greeting. Matt laughed but my da never. Then it was gone and its lights too and just the fog again, ooohhhhh ooohhhhh, ye heard the horn going and it was quieter and quieter and quieter.

I liked the wee tugs best. Some ships were gigantic and needed wee ones to help them, that was tugs. My da did not like me saying boats, if it was a cargo ship or a cruiser else a battleship, an oil container, just to say it right. These big ships needed the wee tugs to help them out to sea. If the wee tugs were not there the big ships would not make it through.

These wee tugs were great, they sailed with their chests out and their shoulders straight, that was what I thought. Nobody would ever say a wrong word to them. Ye could see it. One boat was Seasprite and ye thought of something fast and slippery. Sprites were in a book I read, wee kind of ghosts, they were not friendly but the boat was. Some of the sailors waved. They wore navyblue jerseys and trousers, boots and hats. Ye got the same uniform when ye joined the Lifeboys.

When a big ship was passing we walked and ran along with it as far as we could but there were walls and fences and ye could not go too far. We rushed down to the pier and down the wooden steps for the big wash, the waves crashing onto the steps. One day the pier would collapse, ye could see how its timbers were rotting. At the sides of the steps the wood was soft and with a knife ye could slice it away. Ye went as low down the steps as ye could when the tide drifted back. Then jumped up when the waves crashed in. If yer shoes were slippy ye had to be careful no to fall in, and the worst of all if a ferry was there oh mammy and a person got dragged under. Ye heard stories about that and if there was a boat with propellers it was so much the worse. People drowned in the river. If ye fell in ye could not gulp the water because if ye did ye got poisoned or caught diphtheria.

We watched the ship all the way down. It was in silence it sailed and hardly did not move until then ye saw how it was a distance on, then another distance. How did that happen? Then it had reached the faraway bend. That took a while, if ye were still there and watching ye would maybe be last man, yer pals away home or if Mattie was there he was shouting. Come on you hurry up.

And sometimes I hid from him. My da was all over the world on ships. He liked Brazil the best and Rio de Janeiro.

After he came out he would never ever settle. My grannie said it to my maw. Oh he is used to faraway lands, he will never settle.

My grannie said things that I heard, then if it was to my granda, saying about my da. Oh him! The way she said it, Oh him, talking about my da.

But my da said about her and about people too. He was talking to a man one time and I was listening. It was about my granda and I heard him and he was laughing a wee bit and he says, Wee Larry.

Wee Larry. I did not like him saying that. It was not nice. My granda was not well and it was Lawrence and here he could not stick up for himself, it was just my da saying it, if he did not like my granda, maybe he did not.

My da could speak bad about people and me too. He made jokes. I did not like it. Neither did my big brother, we were watching the telly and he got up and left the room. My da just looked and did not say nothing or else if he looked at my maw but she would just kid on it was okay. He done stuff and she kidded on he did not. That was the same with Matt, if he done stuff, she kidded on he did not, if it was tidying up after him. He just left his stuff, all plates and cups. If it was on the floor, they were just there, he left them. Then if ye stood on them, it was you that got the row. How come? There was a lot of stuff like that.

When I was wee and my da was there ye were better keeping out the way. Him and my maw had their bed in the kitchen. It was a weer bed that fitted in the recess with walls all round except one side. So moan moan moan. That was him. His legs were too long. There was nowhere to put them because it was a wall so they were aye bent. Or if he put his feet away up the wall the blankets all were lifted up so my maw got freezing. He just done that for a laugh. He could not have his legs straight.

The worst was banging his head into the wall. He hit his elbows and knees but it was his head, if he hit that. Oh oh oh or else using bad words. My maw was at her work. She would have gived him a row. She hated bad words, swearie words. O for G*d sake. That d**n bed.

He said it was not swearie words. G*d and d**n were not swearie words. My maw said they were. But he still said them. But if I said them it was rows or else even ye got hit. I would never say them. But if ye did.

He stayed in bed when he was home on leave. Even if he was awake. He just stayed in it and read books. And moan moan moan. If ye came into the kitchen and made a sound he got annoyed at ye. And ye could not help it, if it was spoons and forks and ye were reaching in the drawer for them. Even if it was a chair and ye bumped it. O for G*d sake. O for G*d sake.

Sorry dad.

Ye are aye screeching the d**n chair.

I did not mean it.

Oh no ye did not mean it.

So he said stuff to ye. I did not like it. Ye got sick of it. He got annoyed or else laughed if ye done something. Oh do not be so daft Kieron you are just a dunderheid.

My maw did not like him saying it. Oh do not call him that.

Oh it is just a laugh.

Dunderheid. My maw gived me rows about if I said heid and not head. But no to my da if he did. So it was dunderheid. Oh it is not dunderheid it is dunderhead. If my maw said it to him but she never. But if it was me, Oh Kieron stop saying heid it is head.

My da never said stuff to my big brother. He liked him the best. People all liked him the best. My granda too. I thought he liked me the best but my grannie said, Oh no son it is your brother.

I did not know if that was true. My granda was the best and he showed me stuff and he said I was his pal, if I was his best pal, maybe I was.

Oh son he likes yer brother the best. He is the firstborn. My grannie said it. Oh he is the firstborn.

I was born second. So they all liked him the best. Except my grannie, she liked me. If everybody liked Mattie she would just like me because that was just fair.

But I wanted my granda. So if my grannie was wrong. If my granda liked me the best. Maybe he did.

My Uncle Billy liked me too, he played with me and gived me stuff for my birthday. No my Auntie May. She gived me kisses but liked Mattie the best. She got him to dance if it was a party. He walked about and did not do it right. Oh come here. And she took him. Oh just stand there and move yer feet.

I was best at it. But I saw her if I danced with her, she gived me a wee look. She would have liked it better if she was not dancing with me. If it was Matt, she would have liked that better. She showed him where to put his feet but no me. But I knew where to put them. But if I did it she did not look. I did not care. She had a boyfriend and was going out with him but then it was a big fight and if ye went to my grannie's there she was. Oh he has kicked her out.

My grannie telled me.

I did not care if she liked Matt the best. Or who else, everybody. But no my granda. I did not think it. He said to me I was his pal and he showed me all stuff to do with everything. Maybe he liked the two of us the best. But maybe he did not, maybe it was just me. If grannie never knew. Maybe he did not tell her, so she did not know. He had a secret wave and showed me it, it was a wee circle ye did with yer hand and when I went home we done it when I was going down the stairs.

The one that did not like me was Matt. Sometimes he did but no to take me places. He went with his pals. They all were big boys. They did not like bringing their wee brothers. But if they had to bring ye. Matt had to take me. My maw said it to him. But he still did not, even if I telled him.

But mum said it, you have got to take me.

Oh tough luck. That was what he said to me. I telled her but she did not hit him.

***

He had books and would not give me them and my grannie would say it. Oh let the boy see the books.

But he did not want to. Oh he will tear them.

I will not tear them.

He was always reading them and I could not. But if he was not there I saw them, if he was at school and I was not. They were libray books. He got them from the libray. It was near our street beside the park. He went most days and would not take me. I was too young. He got all books there and was reading them and I wanted to. He just shoved me. No, no, away ye go.

Then I was old enough to go and my grannie said it. Oh take him to the libray.

So he took me. I was waiting for him. He came home from school and we went.

We waited at the foot of the stairs with other boys and lasses. It was the Junior Libray. The gate was shut. The woman was coming to let us in. It had to be at the time. Four o'clock. All boys and lasses were there. So then she came and opened the gate and we went up the stairs into the Junior Libray. It was just all books. And good smells were there, and wee seats ye could just sit down on. And tables if ye could put yer books on them, ye were just to do it. A lassie went away and did that and she got books and put them on the table and just sat down. Matt was away over too and he was seeing all the books and took one down and was just looking at it.

I was going to get some but the woman said, Oh you have to stay there. Just take the form for your date of birth. You cannot get any books, you will get them when you bring the form back. Your mum or dad can do it.

So it was the next day. My granda did the form. Matt was coming home from school to take me but what if he would not? I just went. But I could not get in. The gate was shut at the foot of the stairs. So if ye were going to skip in, ye could not. A woman saw me. Oh the Junior Libray is not open. Look, it is only two o'clock. Go home and come back.

Oh missis can I just wait?

Well it will be a long wait.

She showed me a chair beside the window and I could sit there.

There was more tables and chairs and grown-ups were sitting on them and reading their books. I could see out the window. It was snowing, and real snow for snowballs. People would be flinging them at ye. Big boys after school. Ye could play at stuff out the backcourt. If people were there to play. Snow was good for chases and making good slides. Slides were great. The big boys made them and ye just had to watch if they gave ye a shot because if ye fell and banged yer head, it was just crack and then ohh ohhh.

Stop kicking the table.

It was a man said it to me. He was an old man like granda. Here, he said and gived me a sweetie. A woman came and I got books to read. She gived me another sweetie. I read the books. It was hot, a radiator was there and what happened, I went to sleep and woke up and people were going up the stairs, boys and lasses. I ran over. A woman was at the desk and saw my form. It was the same woman. Oh that is good Kieron here is your ticket.

She waved round all the books and I was to take ones. I got a big pile. I was not to take them all but I was to get two. I got big ones, they were heavy. I opened my jerkin and put them into my body so the snow would not get them. It was thick falling and people had snow over their heads and shoulders.

I went to my grannie's. My maw was not home till after. My grannie's house was up the next street to us, just across the back. Ye could see it from our kitchen window. When I got there my big brother was sitting on the stool at the fire reading a book. I liked that stool. I wished he was not there.

My grannie made me a piece on jam and I showed her my books. Where is granda?

Oh he is just lying down, he will see yer books after.

I did not want Mattie to see them. He did not look. Sshh. He said that if he was reading. Sshh you. I showed them to him and he would not look. If you are going to read read. That was what he said. If ye wanted the books ye have got the books.

He always read his books, he just sat on the stool and he read them and if ye were playing or ye were doing something, he did not hear ye and if it was grannie saying, Oh Mattie away down the shops a message. Oh Mattie we need potatoes or if it is milk and a loaf.

He did not hear her. She was doing clothes at the sink. But I would go for my grannie. And I said I would and I went to get my shoes and coat but then my big brother was quick off the stool and getting the money and got his shoes on quick and was down the lobby and out the door, banging it shut, so I did not have time to go with him. And my grannie just looking, Oh he will wake yer granda.

Because the noise, granda was sleeping.

***

My big brother was taking me on a long walk with his pals. He said I was to go out the back close to see somebody and just wait and he would come in a wee minute to get me. Nobody was out the back. I looked. I was waiting and he never came. When I went out the front that was him away, he just went away. If I could find him. I ran up and down the street but could not. He was away without me and they went to a tunnel under the river. There was all things that they did and just everything and it was all dark and creepy and ye just heard owls hooting and there were ghosts.

He said he would take me the next time but he did not. It was not fair. I was not too wee. If he was going I could go with him. I said it to my grannie how he just ran away and I could not run after them. Oh take the wee boy son. That was what she said to him.

Oh but grannie wee boys cannot keep up with us.

I said, I will so keep up with ye.

No ye will not.

I will.

No ye will not.

Oh let the boy go with ye.

Oh grannie I cannot, if the other boys are there, they do not want wee boys to come, they just make us slow.

Oh.

So he would not do it. Not for my grannie. But if my granda said it then he would. He only did things if my granda said it. I was wanting my granda to say it but he did not, only to me. Oh son you should play with the wee boys, that is the best thing.

But the wee boys did not play good games and did not go any places, they just stayed in the street. Matt and the big boys went all long walks. It was their travels. Mattie said that, Oh we are going our travels.

So I hid up the close and waited so he did not know and then went after him and he was going to his pals, so then I came out. He was angry. Away home you!

No!

Away ye go!

No!

You better if I tell ye.

No, I am not doing it for you.

Blasted pest.

He came to get me and I ran away But I just came back again and was hiding in a close. I looked out to see them, oh and they were going. I waited a wee minute more then came out. They could not see me. I was keeping into the wall and if they were going to see me I dodged into closes and was hiding.

I came behind them a long way. But a big boy saw me and telled Mattie and he caught me and punched me. But it was too faraway He could not take me home, so he had to take me. Oh you, you are just a blasted pest. You are a wee stinking rotter.

So I just went. They were going on the ferry and I went on it too but stayed at the back. I would have liked it better if another wee boy went but they did not. When we got off I followed where they were going and if they were walking fast. Oh Mattie wait for me!

Oh listen you it is Matt, not Mattie. Never you call me Mattie.

If I walked beside them he was going to kill me. If he was talking with his pals and he saw me and I was listening. Oh you wee spy. Stop spying.

I was not spying. If he did not see me I was there and he was talking about stuff. I heard him. It was not my fault. If he was saying bad words. Maybe he was. My da would have battered him, because if I telled my maw she would tell him, that was one thing.

***

My da was away at sea and I did not see him much except if he was home on leave and ye had to say Grace at night for yer tea, For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful. I went to my grannie's. I would have stayed but when it came nighttime I had to go back. Make yerself scarce son. That was what my grannie said, You will have to go home now.

But if I went into a corner and just sat still. There was a space between the cupboard and the wall near the side of the fire and I could go in there and sit down on the floor and the light was dark, they did not see me. My granda said, Oh Vera the boy is playing possum.

My grannie looked where I was, and I was just I do not know just sitting or if my eyes were sleepy or what till then my brother came to get me.

My granda was teaching me tricks. He had cards and showed me how to shuffle them and keep ones to the front or else to the back. My brother sat down beside us. My granda brought him into it and showed him as well. Then my brother said I was to go home because maw wanted me to go a message. He gived me a real angry look and with his fist just what he would do to me if I did not go, when we got home, he was going to mollicate me. I hated him. He said things and then I got angry and he just laughed, and he did it when people were there. And he punched me if nobody was looking. That was him. I did not like him or else what he said, I did not care, if he was telling me to go home, I was not bothering with what he said. I was not going home for him, he was not the boss. Till then my grannie says, Ye better go home son.

So then I did but if she said to Matt, You take him son. That was not good because outside the house he would just bash me.

My granda showed me good tricks for fighting. Ye had to be quick, quick quick quick. Because if ye were not ye would just get hit. And if ye went down that was you, they kicked ye with their boots. So ye moved quick, the very quickest. And if they got ye in the belly like a bad punch in the guts, and ye were sick, ye went down with it, making ye bend over getting yer breath. So that would stop ye, ye had to avoid a punch in the guts. Granda said that.

He done the windmill on me, where his hands and arms went round and round and ye were to try and get him. Hit inside, Hit inside.

Punching in at him. But ye could not. My granda laughing, his face going all red, stepping about. Then my grannie shouted at him. Stop! Lawrie stop!

Then him breathing, having to breathe. Oh hooh hooh, hooh hooh, ahooh ahooh, that was the sound.

Lawrie was granda's name, coming from Lawrence, Lawrence McGuigan. My maw's name was Catherine McGuigan before she married my dad. I thought that was a funny name, Smith, and if ye had been called Lawrence as well. So with my name Kieron, my granda's one made it a wee bit better. He did not know any other Lawrence. His maw just called him it.

My grannie shouted at him if he was showing me fighting stuff because he got all puffed out, and sitting on the chair, he could not talk, getting his breath back and just quiet in his throat. Oh Vera I am knackered.

And ye would listen to him with his breathing, hoooh hoooh, ahoooh ahoooh. Then he would give me another wee punch. See that son, ye have to watch for the sneaky ones.

He went to a boxing club when he was young. His pal fought for Scotland and was a champion. Granda showed me how to spar. We sparred a lot, if grannie was out at the shops, or else if he sat down, I just done it. It was jab jab jab and use yer elbow, use yer elbow, tuck it in now tuck it in, get that elbow tucked in and move yer shoulder move yer shoulder, and do not slap do not slap, move yer shoulder move yer shoulder bump bump, bump bump, that is the game son.

My Uncle Billy said, Listen to yer granda Kierie boy, but see for a real fight ye have to go right ahead with them. Ye just rush in and clatter them and do not stop till they hit the deck.

That was what Uncle Billy said, and once ye got them down, ye did not let them back up, ye just carried on till they could not hit ye back. Ye had to stop them, else they would stop you. Even if they were decked, ye still had to fight them. So that was booting yer man when he was down. That was dirty fighting. Uncle Billy gived me a wink. But I did not like dirty fighting. If somebody was a dirty fighter, they did that, they kicked people when they were down. They were bullies. A lot of bullies were dirty fighters and there were boys like that.

My granda called Uncle Billy a mug. He used to say that about people, He is a mug.

Uncle Billy winked at me. When granda was not there he telled me if ye were fighting ye just lifted a brick and ye battered the man with it, that was how ye done it, especially a wee boy like me because if they were bigger, so ye just had to do it.

***

Swimming was the best. My grannie thought it too. She took me and Mattie. She liked going but no all the time. She was a past champion and a best swimmer and was in a Ladies' Club. She was showing me how to swim and when my maw was wee she showed her. My granda made a joke. Oh but yer grannie is a true champion, yer maw only goes to get a bath son she does not like her hair getting wet.

My maw only went on Saturdays. My da came if he was home on leave. Oh I have seen enough water, and now I have to swim in it.

That was to me and Matt because we were wanting him to come. And he laughed at my grannie, Oh she looks like a swan.

We were laughing too but it was cheeky. I did not like it. He said stuff about grannie.

My granda never came to the swimming. I wanted him to come. But he did not. Oh maybe the next time son. Yer brother will take ye.

He gived Mattie the money for us to go. I still could not swim and kept to the shallow end. A rail went round the pond and I held on to it. My elbow was wedged in and got jammed. I had to twist it to get out but it would not come. A big boy came to help but could not get it so the man had to come and get me out.

Sometimes yer feet went under the rail and balanced right, so ye floated good. My big brother did that. He let go with his hands so he went right back in the water just with his head and shoulders up. He put his hands behind his head, so if he was lying down. Oh I am going to have a wee sleep.

I tried it but my feet came out from the rail and I went under the water and back over and the water went all in my mouth and up my nose, choking and swallowing, I could not find the bottom and was nearly drowning. Lucky for me I never.

My big brother could swim good. My granda said he was to show me. I telled him that but he just said, Oh grannie is showing ye.

Oh but you have to show me as well.

No I do not.

But if granda said.

Well I do not care if granda said.

You have to show me.

My brother just swam away I saw him. I held onto the rail and he swam back and said to leave go and he would show me. I would not.

Because if he just ducked me under. Boys done that. If ye were there at the shallow end and they came by, they got yer head and ducked ye and ye could not get out and were drowning. They were just laughing. Matt said he would not do it to me. But then he was laughing and splashing at me and pulling off my hands. He swam underwater so ye never saw him. He just came up at ye or else stayed under and grabbed yer legs or else got up and round yer shoulders, gripping ye over the top and with all his might, so pushing ye off he was just pushing ye off, and ye would go right down and the water was coming closer so ye were kicking him and if he was laughing, then he was angry and just punched ye, trying to loose off my hands again, gripping tight on my wrists and it was sore, squashing them down and pulling them but I would not let go it was just like I could not I could not and I was shouting.

So if I did not stop he really would batter me. Once we got home he was going to. That was what he said. He pulled up my fingers one by one by one. I was kicking him to stop so he would not. He grabbed my trunks to pull them down so I had to leave go one hand to hold them so he was grabbing my other one, gripping the wrist, so he got it loose and I could not stop him so that was me and I went down and down and if ye could not reach the bottom. Not if it was the deep end. And ye rolled to the side and if ye hit the wall oh ye were lucky if ye could touch it so then ye went back up and ye were at the rail and could just grab it, spitting out all the water. It was all down inside ye and nearly if ye were going to be sick, coughing it all out and just spluttering it out yer nose.

Oh you are all snotters! Matt laughing at me. I did not want him and turned away my head. But he swam round. I turned my head the other way, so then he held my chin. You are not greeting?

Not for you anyway.

I swam down with ye.

No ye did not.

I did so. Ye would see me if ye looked. Daft wee pest, just open yer eyes.

If I opened my eyes I would see him, he said that. He was there when I went down and was watching me so I would not drown. If I opened my eyes I would see him.

Oh come on and try again.

But I was no going to so he just swam away. I hung onto the rail. When I wanted to move I walked up the wall so my feet were just down from it and my b*m was sticking out and I could just kick and bounce round the side doing it. People were coming the other way, if they could not swim. They passed their hands round ye or you passed yours round them and they had to stay still a wee minute so ye did not miss the railing cause if ye did ye went under the water and spluttering, ye were choking, and it was hard to find the rail again.

Then if somebody swam over the top of ye, their feet kicking out. Big boys dived in and their arms bumped ye hard, just like a real punch. Then if boys jumped in and it was on top of ye. That happened too. They were not supposed to. They just came running right out from the showerplace and whooshed right in, how they done it with their knees drawn up under their chin, dive-bombers. Haawwwww. That was what they shouted.

So that was you.

If boys were there that were pals they had good games. They stayed in the pond till the men shouted at ye, All out All out.

They wore white jackets. If ye did not go when they telled ye they kicked open the door of yer cubicle and got yer towel and hung it on the iron railing that went between the cubicles and the pond. If it was your towel ye had to get out else the men flung it in the water. Some of the boys still did not go out.

All out! All out! So the men went into people's cubicles and got all their clothes and hung them on the railing and then ye had to get out because if ye did not the men dumped them in the pond. Ye saw them floating in the water and sinking down. They had a big pole to get them out. So if everything was wet, yer shirt and trousers soaking. Yer maw would give ye a right doing or if yer da was there. Some of the boys said they would just take their clothes into the steamie and get a woman to dry them.

The steamie was next door. It had steps up the same as the swimming baths.

When ye came out the swimming baths a big queue was waiting on the pavement outside. If people had more money, if they were allowed, they joined the queue to get back in. Me and Mattie did not.

***

Parks were on the other side of the river. One was one way and the other was the other and they were both good. I liked them. Usually we went to the other. It was a big big walk and ye went different roads and there were closes to go through and sometimes there were good jumps out the back. But if other boys were there and saw ye so it was a fight so Matt and his pals had to watch it. And then if it was big jumps over the middens and back walls, if I was too wee. Oh you just stand there.

So I was just to wait for them. But if it was wee jumps I went and just did them, and sometimes they were bigger and I still jumped it. And if I did not make it and was gripping on and digging in my feet. So if Matt came and helped me. Usually he did, or else his pals. They pulled my hands so I got up.

But if ye done a jump. Or else walking a dyke. I loved it. Then if it was a good one ye did and the big boys saw ye, so if they winked at ye and then to Matt. Oh yer young brother is walking the dyke!

Matt just looked and then when I came down he maybe chased me. Because if I fell and broke my arm or else my head. Boys broke their head. Matt would have got a doing, my maw would tell my da and he would batter him.

Then going in shops. Him and his pals were knocking. I had to stay outside the shop but I saw them and if they had chocolate and gived me a bit. Matt did not. Maybe if he was not knocking, I did not see him, but he went in the shop.

The park where the big boys went did not have a pond but it had a river, just a wee river and no boats went on it. It had smells too but different ones. They were looking for fish. But no baggie minnows like in our own park, the ones here were big and ye could eat them. Maybe if men were fishing they would give ye one. That was what they said. But ye never saw any. Ye could not swim in the water. It was too slimy and was all soapy. If ye swallowed it ye got poisoned and ye were to watch it if ye paddled yer feet, if ye fell over the stones and drank any because ye would choke to death. Matt was shouting at me.

There were railings to keep ye out. They just jooked through and I came behind. Bushes and trees were there and it was good for games and ye could go down and there was the river and there was all chuck-iestones and ye could reach in and get them and fire them anyplace, even if ye were skliffing them over the top of the water, the boys were counting them and seeing who done the most. They did other stuff or else climbed the trees and all other stuff, whatever it was. I watched or else I could climb a tree too. One tree they all went on a branch and it snapped and they fell down and went in the water. It was just a laugh. It was a great big branch and they carried it and flung it in the water and it went sailing down till then it got stuck. So if they got other stuff and made a dam. They flung in big boulders and were jamming in stuff, old planks of wood and all things lying about. I was just watching. But two men came and were shouting and they ran away so me too because if I was left, if they left me, so I would be lost.

In one place a big wall was there and went right across and under the river. The water gushed over the top of it and fell down, and it was a waterfall. Here ye took off yer socks and shoes to climb down the bank and ye went up and then ye climbed from there up onto the wall to walk across. But the water gushed over yer ankles and ye had to watch it if it dragged ye over and it was all slippy with green stuff twirling over the big stones and if it got yer ankles oh mammy ye were tripped up and that was you over the waterfall so ye were linking hands. The big boys all did it. All link hands.

Could anybody swim? People were saying it. Ones that could would save the ones that could not. Oh you take him and you take you. Matt got me. He was not going to take me but he did. Give me yer hand you.

He gripped my hand tight and it was too tight and even it was sore and his nails digging in but he just did it so I would not fall down. If you go in, I am not saving ye. That was what he said. You will just drown, so ha ha ha.

So then we went and we were just going across step by step and step by step, and a big boy shouted, Do a pee!

So everybody all done one. Even if ye were not needing ye tried a wee bit, standing up on the wall and doing it over the waterfall. It was down from a road bridge. Snobby people were there. Then seeing us peeing and pointing down and men were angry and shouting. Get out of there. Get out of there.

So we hurried up and were going over the wall one by one by one by one and it was all slippery and with green stuff and the water gushing fast oh mammy, Hurry hurry. Because the cops were coming and were going to get us if we did not go faster faster faster Kieron faster. And Mattie was holding my hand tight rushing me and my feet were splashing and splashing till then we were on the other side. Oh and the big boys were all shouting at the snobby people, Hohhh hohhh, and just bad words and all were laughing.

Mattie let go my hand now and we all ran down a wee trail, down through bushes and away up a wee hill and over, all still laughing. Oh I cannot run I am too busy laughing. A big boy said that.

So now there was the gate and we went through it and out the park.

Oh is everybody there? Where is Kieron? Oh there he is.

Matt was looking at me. Oh he was going to punch me, but he did not.

It was a big walk farther down now and then way way along to get to the real river, that was our river, just the biggest one, and then the ferry and that was you ye were safe.

***

Different ferries went over the river. Some were big carferries but most were just wee ones for people walking. There was not a foot path along the bank. Big shipyards and factories were there and ye walked the nearest street to get down where a pier was. These streets were just wee and were a dead-end and ye called it a river-street. Ye did not have anyplace to go except down the steps and that was the ferry. The water was soapy and all colours with oil, and all the big boats getting built. Ye went back and forward on the ferries except no if it was teatime and the men coming home from work, all packed on board and if the ferry was going to sink, ye wondered how it did not and all the men there what would happen? They would all be swimming and ye would see their coats and bunnets all floating and if somebody drowned. People all could not swim and if they were jammed in together and all legs and arms, and feet all kicking then they would just sink down.

When we got to the other side, if we stayed on and went back and then over again, the ferryman did not mind. If it was a cold day or wet ye stood under cover with yer back to the wall. The engine was there and it was roasting hot so if ye touched the wall, yer hand got burnt. Usually ye stood at the front to see the ferryman doing the wheel, even if it was raining and nobody was there, it was just you and ye were just breathing in deep and then getting the smells. And if there was birds, they were sea gulls, gwok gwok gwok. And then up high, gwoak gwoak gwoak. The ferryman wore a black jacket and a navyblue jersey and had a cap. And if they were smoking a pipe, some of them did. They were real sailors and came from the highlands and if they swore at ye it was Gaelic. Ye did not ask to get a shot at the wheel and were to call them Skipper, my granda said it, Oh never touch the wheel son never touch the wheel.

But then my da was home on leave one time and he said ye could touch the wheel and he said it to the ferryman. Oh can the boy touch the wheel?

Aye.

So I could. The ferryman let me. It was the big stick things round it and ye could grip yer hands on it and just if ye pushed it a wee bit. Oh that boy is going to be a sailor, oh he will sail the ocean.

So my da said that he was in the Merchant and him and the ferryman were talking about the seas and who ye worked for.

***

Along our side of the river was a big huge place, all waste stuff full of rubbish and everything all about everywhere just lying and ye could take anything if ye wanted to take it. We looked for stuff that was good and we called it lucks. Oh did ye find any lucks?

So ye said what ye found.

It was near a big shipyard. Fires were smoking and burning. Big boys came here and men too, midgierakers, and ye had to be careful. There were fights if somebody got good lucks and somebody else tried to knock them. Ye did not go beside them. They did not care if ye were wee, if ye were getting in their road, they pushed ye away or even they skelped ye over the head.

Ye looked through dirty old rags and ye were to see for rats if there was burnt newspaper, that was where they hid and ye heard them squeaking, squeeeeek. Big boys chased them. And ye watched for the jaggy glass and melting rubber which stuck to yer hands and was so sore burning ye. Ye found all bits of iron, all different bits. Torn old burnt old magazines with all pages torn out and books too. Oh is there n**e books and if it is a dirty book. Big boys were saying that.

Ye had to walk through high wee hills of red ash, black ash and usually white ash. Yer feet sank into it as far as yer ankles and it got into yer shoes and socks and made it hard walking, having to take them off and dunt out the dust. Then if the ash was too hot, if it went down yer shoes, it burnt ye, and if yer socks got all black and smelled like burning. And all fluffy white stuff that stung yer legs.

Matt and his pals filled a big sack with lucks. They were taking them back to our place. I was going behind them. They were going out to the street. But down at the pier the carferry was coming to dock so what they done, they dragged the sack behind an old rickety fence and planked it in among big weeds then ran round and made it on the carferry. I made it too. They were just going over and then coming back. Halfway across the wee ferry was going too, we saw it. It was keeping out our way. They usually did that to let the carferry go first. So we were looking over at it. It was loaded down with people but then it was all flags and all stuff and it was a band playing oh if it was a circus, it was like one. But it was not. Oh it's the Orangemen! A big boy shouted. They are going to the Walk!

So boys were saying if people were there and they knew them and Matt said, Uncle Billy! And he shouted over, Uncle Billehhh! Uncle Billehhh!

I was looking to see him but it was too faraway for faces and I could not. I climbed on the railing to see. The railing went round the high deck where the people went. All the motorcars went down the low deck. The railing was so nobody fell off. Ye could climb through it. Ye gripped on and went near the edge if ye wanted to see stuff, and then the water down below how the waves were coming and then white and all bubbles, then a next one and a next one and a next one just white and then bubbles and then the next one oh and a man grabbed me oh and he just lifted me right up. Oh you silly wee b****r.

And Mattie was there and his eyes big looking at me.

Is he yours! Well he nearly went for a swim. Keep him in from there.

But when the man went away Matt punched me in the arm but no sore, I would not have fell, it was all good grips. The boys were laughing at the man. Ye could step on the railing and ye would not fall. I did it to see over. The man was not looking. The wee ferry was out in the middle of the river waiting for the carferry to pass. All the Orangemen were jammed together, their arms sticking out and then ye could hear the band playing a tune. Oh it is the Sash. Somebody heard it. I could hear it too but if it was a right tune, I did not hear that.

So the carferry came in to the pier and all the traffic was getting off and we were going to stay on board but then we were not. Oh come on we will go with the band!

So people all wanted to do that. Matt was looking at me but he was letting me come. Uncle Billy was not there.

We walked with the Orangemen for a long long distance hearing the flutes and the drums, and it was great if it was all the tunes and it was the best ones. We went on the pavement beside them and behind then running ahead to see the man that tossed the stick. He was flinging it up high and ye saw it twirling and spinning yet he could catch it when it landed and still be marching.

Then came old men marching then the band and more men then women and boys and lasses and with orange and blue and white. Hullo Hullo, for the Billy Boys and other ones and the boys were shouting toooralooo f**k the Pope tooralooo for the Protestant Boys and that was us. And ye could see the women, if they were tripping up, it looked like they were going to trip the way their toes were, but they did not trip and it was just if they were dancing, maybe if they were dancing. Everybody was just going, what were they doing, just what it was, and ye were not to get in their way. Oh ye better not get in their way! Never get in their way. Oh if it is the Walk just stay on the pavement or ye will get battered.

And if ye went off the pavement they all were marching there and did not stop, the men shouting at ye, Oh get back get back.

And cops were there too. How come the cops were there? But they were not looking at us. They were good cops. One of Matt's pals said it. Oh do not worry, they will not get ye.

We went with them for a long way. It was out on a main road. Other people were there and a lot were boys and some were looking at us and were going to jump us. If they thought we were Papes. We were not Papes. But then they all came to get us so we ran. They chased us through a close and over a back and we were lucky we got over the dyke, and they were shouting, Stay and fight, stay and fight.

But if ye did they would just get ye. I was just running fast but the big boys were getting away and Matt, so I was just running oh where were they, I did not see them and then other boys were there and caught me, and wee boys punched me. It was in a back close. Get him! Just wee boys same as me. The punches were sore but and I was greeting. Bits of sick came into my mouth and I was spitting it out and oh coughing and my belly was sore. I was just sitting on the ground. Boys came and looked at me then ran away.

So when nobody came I went out to see.

Everybody was all away.

Where was I?

I was just walking and then was seeing someplace. I did not have any money. There were shops and they had good windows to look in. One was a big toy shop with all soldiers and motor cars and trainsets, and wee redcoats and kilties too. A chip shop was there and the smell was coming. A woman was looking at me. I went up to her and started greeting, I was lost, and big boys battered me and took my money. If she could give me money. That was what I said. And she did. I bought chips. I was walking down the road and eating them, it was a big pile.

And I saw a street and I knew to go down it then was another street and then another one. And so I went and it was a wee river-street. But Matt was there. He was at the pier, he was looking for me. I did not know if he was going to be angry. I saw one of his pals. Other people were there for the ferry. So if they were watching, so he would not hit me. Oh but he would and I saw him oh mammy I knew his face. Then he saw me and oh he just shouted and rushed right at me for a real doing, he was going to batter me. I just ran away as fast. But he did not come after me, just stayed at the pier. He was waving at me to come but I would not because he was just going to get me so I just stayed up the street and if he came I would just run away. Then the wee ferry came. He shouted on me. He ran to one side and then to the other side and his hand up to his mouth, Kierrronnnn! if ye do not come I am going to go on it. Kierrronnnn! I am going to kill you. Kierrronnnn! Kierrronnnn!

The people all came off the wee ferry and were walking up the street. The ones waiting to get on were now all onto it and it was only Matt there and his pal. Kierrronnnn! Kierrronnnn!

He jumped to make me jump but he did not come. I stayed and watched. Then a wee minute more and his pal ran down the steps and Matt ran after him. The ferry went away. I waited but it did. I was walking just slow if he was hiding and going to jump out and get me. But he did not.

The carferry pier was near and had pillars with chains at the end and I hid behind one to see out. The wee ferry was out on the river, chug chug chug. People were on it but ye could not see the faces. Where was he? Oh mammy if he got me he was just angry and my belly was sore, and all the chips were there, I ate them all up, every one chip, I just ate it, so if I was going to be sick or else the toilet, I was needing. I walked round the pillar and nobody was there. Now motor cars and vans were waiting for the carferry. I sat down on the steps. The carferry was coming. People queued for it and men from their work. But no many. They read the paper or were just whistling a tune or else smoking, it was smoking, I hated smoking and it was cigarettes, if it was yer belly oh ye were going to be sick. When my da was home on leave that was what he did, he just smoked and yer belly felt sick.

The carferry came. The people got off then the motor cars and big lorries. I still was hiding if my brother might be on it. The carferry did not have a lot of places to hide. I could not see him anywhere. I waited till the next motors got on. I ran and jumped on. The men were closing the gates and the chains were dragging. I watched then we were moving. I went to the front. The wee ferry was coming from the other side and would pass us. I went round the other side looking up the river. Once it passed I ran round and looked over to it. Then the carferry was at the pier and the people were getting off and me as well. Matt jumped out and got me. He came in between people. He twisted my arm and I was shouting. Men were looking. Oh I am his big brother. That was what he said, and he was pushing me to walk coming behind and clicking my heels and then kicking them, Oh see when I get you home oh you are for it, I am going to give you a right doing, I will never take you anywhere ever again.

And he punched me in the back and shoved me. He was like a real bully. I thought he was one. I was not to go with him any places. Just get yer own pals. That was what he said.

When we got home we were late for tea and my maw gived us a row. But he did not tell on me and how come we were late, we were just away playing, that was what he said, and I did not say about the boys punching me in the back close, I just went into the toilet and then came out and was washing my hands at the kitchen-sink. My maw was just heating our tea and then we got it, sausage, beans and chips.

***

My grannie's house was nearer school than ours. They stayed across the back. But it was not far to school from my house. It was at the top of my street and then along. Except ye could not go that way. Papes would get ye. Their school was at the top of our street. Ye had to pass theirs to get to ours. The Chapel was beside theirs. So they came out school and went to the Chapel. But the Church was not beside our school. That was what people said. Oh it is all for the Catholics. If the Papes had the Chapel where was our Church? There was not one, no beside the school. It was away way down the road. It was not near at all.

They had Priests in their school. Ye saw them in the playground. Some had big long coats. Then too the Nuns, they were there as well. Wee women with hoods over their heads and their cloaks, black and blue. What did they do? Were they teachers? Maybe if they gived lessons and the Bible. They had different Bibles. Or else if they were nurses. On the telly ye saw Nuns that were nurses. They walked fast and with their eyes to the front. Ye saw them get on the bus and they did not look at anybody except if they knew them, they just stared at the floor. But if somebody knew them first they said hullo back. Ye saw who they spoke to. Oh they are a Pape. Or else in the shops if the Nun was talking to people. So ye saw who it was, who they were talking to, if they were Papes too. Some ye saw in the street and did not know they were Papes till then they were talking to the Nuns. Ye watched for that. Usually Papes had black hair and peelywally skin or else ginger hair and freckles. My da said that, peelywally. But some did not and they just looked ordinary so ye did not know.

We could not go to school up our street because Papes were on the lookout and flung stones. They pelted ye. There were big fights at dinnertime. Boys flung stones into the playgrounds and the janitors and teachers had to stop it and if windows got broke, Oh the cops are coming.

We had to go other streets. Me and Matt went across the backcourt for a short cut. Except ye met boys that were Papes. Ye saw them and ye knew them. Ye jumped down off a dyke and there they were coming up. They just looked and did not do nothing. If they were going to shove ye and punch ye but they did not. How come? My brother said, Oh they think you are one, if ye support the Celtic, and he was laughing at me.

It was my jacket and trousers. My maw bought them and they were a bit like green. Not a real green. I said that but Matt was just laughing. Oh you are a wee Pape.

No I am not.

Yes ye are if it is green, green is a Pape's colour.

It is not green.

Yes it is.

It is only a wee bit.

No it is not it is a big bit.

It is not a big bit.

He said it was. Green was a Pape's colour. People knew that. So if my maw got me a jacket and trousers and they were green. How come? I did not want them. How come she got me them? If it was for me and not for him? How come? If I had to wear them. I did have to. She made me. She was angry. Oh of course you have to wear them do not be so stupid.

I was not stupid. She said I was, if I thought that about my clothes. They were not green, they were just another green and were not Celtic at all.

One time I went to school myself and just walked up our street right to the top and round past the Catholic school. The Chapel was there too and the door was open. I did not see in. I was not looking, and then was past it. Nobody came to get me.

They could not pass our school either. We had stones to pelt them so ha ha and we shouted at them. Catholic cats eat the rats. They shouted at us. Proddy dogs eat the frogs.

They went down the main road then round by our street but sometimes if it was ones ye knew, if they stayed in your street and maybe if ye played with them and ye just passed and saw them looking, so ye made it a secret wee look just if it was a secret wee hullo or if ye kidded on ye did not see them, they did that too. When ye came out to play at nighttime it was okay and ye were just pals.

***

On Saturdays we went to scrambles. So if it was a wedding, ye were looking for weddings. The motor cars drove away and men let down the windows and threw out the money and ye all scrambled to get it. No just boys and lasses, women too. If they saw silver coins they stood on them and ye could not lift up their shoes. Then if ye tried they kidded on they did not see ye or else gived ye a wee kick, but it was hard and made ye stop, so they got the money.

Scrambles were in Chapels and Churches. So if ye went to a Chapel scramble Catholics were there. We did not go to faraway Chapels and had to watch it at faraway Churches because other boys were there and were going to batter ye if it was their scrambles, it was their money, and you were taking it. So they were going to get ye. So ye just would watch it. If it was a faraway scramble ye waited over the street to see who was all there and if it was gangs or what ye just went away back to yer own place.

If it was the Chapel in our street the Catholics saw ye and it was okay because it was your street as well, and if ye were pals with them, sometimes ye were. They acted proud. You were at their scramble so ye had to keep out the way, so ye were not the boss, they were the boss. But if wee money rolled to you ye could get it. I had a pal and he was a RC, Michael Lang, he took me into the Chapel. I did not want to. I was scared. The big door was there and people were looking. He just walked in and did not worry about any of the stuff. It was to see if the wedding people were coming out. Oh come on with me. Oh you are just feared.

And he was waving to me to creep in, so I just did and then just to skip ben the front and then in the lobby.

Big doors were there and voices and coughing, and big statues, and all people sitting down and women too and all lasses then the Priest and he was up at the front and his hands were up in the air if it was a blessing, maybe it was. Ye got the blessing and then the prayers up to God and Jesus and so it was you oh mammy if people looked round, it was just you there. Oh it is him! See him!

I was needing to get out. The big statues made ye feared and all what was there, what the people all done and their hands giving wee signs that were for secrets and even if it was spells. Priests done it to ye and ye were in awful trouble. A Proddy could not make these signs, even if ye knew what they were. It would go against ye making them and God would see or if it made ye turn into one. People turned into Papes. So maybe if they were Proddies and did the signs and were saying all the stuff, so then that was them and so they were Papes, they turned into Papes. So that was them, and what would happen, they would just have to go to Chapel and if the Priest was there or the Nun, they would just have to maybe see them or talk to them or what it was, I did not know.

Michael Lang was brave because of all what happened to Papes. It was a shame for him. I saw him in my head. He was split in two, the bit I knew and the other bit was a Pape.

He did not have a big brother but two wee sisters. He stayed three closes away. Ye did not get Papes in my close. It was a good close. Papes were in bad closes. It all was dirty and all smells and noises and filfy filfy water. They did not have good clothes and were midgierakers. Their das done that, they just raked yer midgie and got yer old rubbish. The boys had no swimming trunks and got borrowed ones. Ye tied them at the sides and they were too big. They came down yer knees when ye dived in the water. People just laughed. Oh he is a Pape. He has not got any swimming trunks.

If ye forgot yer own trunks ye had to get them. Boys did not like wearing them. Oh he is poor.

It was only if ye did not have yer own ones and if it was RCs. I saw them at the swimming baths. They had on their Necklaces with the Crosses that brought them good luck and if they kept the Devil away. Boys wore them as well. How come? They were next to ye in the pond and the Necklace floated behind them, and if a Cross was there on it. That was the worst. When ye were passing ye saw it floating near and had to watch or ye banged into it and then what? Things for Papes were different. If it was good for a Pape it was bad for a Proddy so if ye wore a Cross what was going to happen? If it was burning yer skin. People said that. Oh ye were a Proddy so it would burn ye. Oh it was burning hot.

So it left a real mark like a tattoo. But if ye were a Pape it was okay and it would not burn ye or else whatever. They had Candles and water that was Holy Water. Proddies did not have nothing like that. What did we have? We did not have nothing, no like that. My maw took us to Church sometimes, no much, just if my grannie went. She got us up early and we got a good breakfast and we all went. I saw boys in my school. If my da was home we had to do Grace at teatime. We said our Prayers in bed. My maw forgot to ask if we done them but we did, I always did. So did Mattie. Sometimes he just did it into himself. Because I did not hear him. Oh ye did not say yer Prayers.

I did so.

I did not hear ye.

I done it into myself.

Who did ye bless?

Oh everybody.

Cousins as well?

Just everybody.

One time we went to Church and we got Christened. Other ones were there, lasses as well. We sang hymns. If Catholics sang hymns, maybe they did.

***

My Primary School finished at three o'clock. The big ones finished at four. That was my brother.

My maw was working at her job and did not come home till five. At dinnertime I went to my grannie's. Matt did not. He went to dinnerschool and got big dinners. Steak pie and mashed potatos. Boys told me. Ice cream and jelly. I just got soup and toast. So that was not fair. I did not like soup and a lot of times my grannie burnt the toast. She did not bother about stuff. She put the toast down and it was burnt on one side and no done on the other then she gived ye the soup and it was scalding hot and just watery or if it was a boiled egg and ye cracked it open and it was just gooey stuff like snotters. What ye giving the boy Vera? Is that poison?

That was what my granda said. My grannie's name was Vera. Oh yer grannie cannot cook son.

He laughed at her. But she did not like him doing it. But so she saw the egg, so then she gave me a banana, and it was time up, back to school. My granda took me to the door. He done that most times. In case ye get lost son.

It was just for a joke. I would never get lost. He waved his bunnet at me when I went down the stairs. Full steam ahoy son you show them.

That was what he said, so I was to do good at school. I was going to. It was say yes and not aye, down and not doon, am not and no um nay, ye were just to speak nice. I liked school and it was good teachers, they thought ye were good at stuff, and drawing too, I done faces. Mine was Miss Rankine and she just smiled at ye till then if ye done something and it was bad, and that happened to me oh and then she did not like ye and if ye laughed too much. Oh Kieron, you are just silly.

There was a good short cut where ye went across waste ground. I went it everyday coming back from my grannie's. Big boys played football here and ye watched them. And then ye saw men and they played big games of cards and it was all money and they flung it down on the ground. Then there was angry shouting and men swearing. I saw a big crowd all watching something, oh and it was a fight. Boys from my school were there as well. I got through to see. Two men were fighting. One was on the ground and the other one kicked his shoe into his belly and it went into his low tummy and he was shouting down all bad words, F*****g c**t, cheating b*****d, and thud thud, kick kick.

And the one down on the ground was going, Oh my b**ls oh my b**ls, and he had his hands covering his low tummy so they would not get hurt. But the other one was kicking him again.

The bell went in school and I was still watching. So were other boys. Mattie was not there. He was at dinnerschool.

Me and other boys would not go in the school gate because we were watching. Everybody all was watching, it was just kick kick and punching till the cops were coming.

But the man was still getting battered. It was not fair and the other one would not let him up. He was a dirty fighter and just kicking him thud thud. And the man was all bent up lying there. Oh my b**ls, and water was coming out him, his face and his nose and eyes and he was wiping it. And then Scatter Scatter oh mammy, The polis, a man was shouting.

The cops were there and going to get us and if they booked ye and gived ye a kicking. All the men were running through the backs and round the street and we all rushed over into the school playground. Oh and that man was still lying on the ground and the cops were getting him but no the other one, he ran away.

The door was shut into my class. I had to chap it and then Miss Rankine came and opened it and gived me an angry look and I was saying how it was a big fight with all men and how it was a man and he was getting kicked and booted and how his clothes were all just dirty and mud was all over them, and if he was greeting, maybe he was. B-O-L–L-S. It was just all bad words, I was telling Miss Rankine oh but then she took my hand and slapped it. Oh Kieron Smith do not be so silly. Just go to your desk and sit down.

That was what she said. It was all nonsense in my head. She put it down on a letter and I was to give it to my maw. So my maw read it. Oh Kieron comes late to the class. Oh if he would just stop being so silly and if he is just chattering all the time, he is just a chatterbox.

That was what Miss Rankine put in the letter. My head was full of nonsense and I was silly and a chatterbox. My maw smacked me. Oh you wee silly besom. You wait till your father comes home!

But when my da came home I would tell him, he would hear it, if it was men fighting. I was not silly and a chatterbox. If my teacher said it. I was not. It was just how it was a grown-up man. And it was in front of everybody he was saying it, Oh my b**ls Oh my b**ls. I knew what b**ls was. Big boys called it that. But I never said it out loud and neither did boys in my class. It was funny hearing that man. It sounded funny. It was a bad word. And all us hearing it. He did not care. He just did it. Oh my b**ls, and all people hearing him.

Then how he was greeting. If he was greeting. If it was real greeting, all the water coming out. I thought if it was. And a man doing it, that was a thing. I did not want to feel sorry for him. He was not like a real grown-up. Maybe if he was a worse coward, if he was greeting, that was like a lassie or a wee baby, if ye did it, ye just tried no to. And if it was in a fight so much the worse, that was so much the worse, all people seeing ye.

And that was that man. If he was a cheater, people said he was and so did the man hitting him, Cheater b*****d.

Then if he was a coward. Oh he is a coward. Boys said it in the playground. I was listening. But if he could only be a coward. A big boy was saying that. If it was a man hitting ye and ye were a boy and could not hit him back. Only ye were a coward. If it was a big boy doing it and he was too big a boy. Even ye could not reach him. Ye were too wee. It was not your fault. So if he is not a coward if he only could be a coward. I was saying it to my granda.

Oh do not worry about that son.

Oh but granda if it is a wee boy and the big boy is just hitting him and he is too big?

Never mind if he is a big boy son ye just box him, boof boof boof. Ye box the mitts off him, that is what ye do. Now hold up yer hands.

Aye but granda if he is kicking ye?

Oh that is a dirty fighter, that is a cheat, cheats never win. That man getting kicked was not fighting, just the other one was kicking him. It was not a fair fight.

But I was thinking about that. If my maw said, Oh do not fight, you must not fight.

So if the man is fighting you, so you must fight him. If a boy was hitting ye, ye hit him back. My maw said, Oh ye must not fight.

Oh but if a boy hits ye, and just ye are shouting at him and he is punching ye and yer hands are up in the air to stop him. So if yer hands hit him, so ye are hitting him, ye are fighting him. So what if that?

Oh stop it Kieron.

But if they are hitting you you must hit them back. Granda would say it and so would my da, if he was there, and my Uncle Billy, if it was them and they were fighting.

***

What if it was yer da and ye saw it was him? He was fighting the man. So everybody was watching. Then you came and saw, Oh it is a fight. And ye saw who it was, Oh and it was yer da. And boys were looking at ye. They knew. Were ye going to fight them? If it was yer da and he was getting a real doing, oh and a kicking, a real kicking. And b**ls, if people said that. My da would never say that. I knew he would not. But maybe Uncle Billy would say it. I heard him saying bad words to his pals. He came back from England and took me and Mattie to the park to see the model yachts. His pals were there and all were talking. F*****g and b*****ds. Oh the boys will have to f*****g beat these b*****ds.

Me and Mattie were listening. If it was the Rangers and playing at football it was a hard game. So then Uncle Billy said it and it was oh the worst bad words. And it was in yer head if he did say it. I did not say it in my head. I tried to and it was only foakoan baaa stids.

I was looking at Mattie but he kidded on Uncle Billy never said it, if I thought he did, he did not, he did not say nothing and it was just nothing.

Then if it was a man greeting? If that man was greeting in the fight. I thought he was. My da would never be greeting. And Uncle Billy, he would not be either. And if he was getting a kicking, if like a real doing, I would help him. I would. I would just jump on the man's back or else fling stones at him. If I had hatchets, boys were making hatchets to hit people and they hit them on the head and split it wide open. So I would do that. Or if it was a dog. Boys had dogs and ye set them on people. That was what I was wanting was a dog, oh a dog if I could just get a dog. People got dogs. Wee puppies. I said to my maw if I could get one. Oh there will be no dogs in this house.

How no?

Because they are dirty.

Oh but if they are clean? Dogs went in the pond. They swam about and then came out and shaked the water, so that was clean, it was not dirty.

My maw did not like dogs. And cats. Oh they are just pests. And where have they been if they climb on the table? Their feet are not clean, just horrible and filfy. They put their paws in dirt.

But they cannot help it, if they had shoes.

My maw did not like pets. A big boy called Derek had a dog and let me clap it. Its hair was long and it was stuck together. But it was hard when ye clapped it and was just looking at ye, what were ye doing, if ye were doing something to it oh mammy it was just maybe if it would bite ye. Dogs would bite ye. If it was your dog and ye said it, Go boy, bite him.

I wanted a dog so if people were going to hit ye or yer da or yer uncle they would soon find out. And ye would never be feared. Never ever. Ye just set it on them, Go boy, bite them. Then if it was Papes and they were chasing ye. So ye just got yer dog. I would take mine to school and show my pals. Ye would just tell it to sit, or else roll over, or if ye threw a ball for it to catch and just said, Stay, stay!

***

Me and a boy were looking at our w****es in the back close and his maw came up the stair and caught us. Oh yous will go to Hell. She shouted at me, Oh you dirty dirty boy, you dirty little pig, and got my arm and twisted it a wee bit. The other boy was shouting. No mammy no mammy no mammy.

She skelped him and took him up the stair and locked him in the house and took me straight round to mine's. I was trying to push her hand away, she was holding me tight. Oh you dirty wee pig, that is what you are, just a dirty wee pig.

My maw was home. She would give me a doing. I was greeting. The woman took me straight up the stair and gived me in to my maw and said things to her dirty and bad words and my maw grabbed me and hit me and was the worst angry she had ever been and a brush was there and she got it and was hitting me with it, hitting my head and my ears and the brush hit my nose and hit my cheeks. Oh when your father comes home! Oh just the worst doing ever you will get my boy!

She was shouting all things at me and shaking me too and when she hit me the brush bounced off my head. It broke, it fell out her hand. Oh my wrist!

She went to pick it up and was pulling me and my head banged into the table, then I was on the floor. It was the worst doing. Then I was in bed. I was not sleeping. It was not nighttime. People were out playing, I heard them shouting. My maw came into the room and was looking at me. I was turned into the wall. She was just there. I knew she was because her breathing, I knew how it sounded. My throat was sore because I was greeting. I just did not care about her, if she was going to hit me or what, I did not care about her. She went away.

My big brother came to bed. It was nighttime. He went onto his side away from me. He knew I was awake. Kieron, what did mum give ye the doing for? Were ye doing dirty things? Eh, Kieron, what did ye do?

But I did not speak to him. I did not turn round. I did not care about him asking me. I was not going to speak to him and not anybody in my house. I did not care about them. Not in that house. It was just the worst house. I hated it, it was just a horrible house and I wanted to go to another one, I had to go to it. If my grannie could take me. Her and granda would like me, if I could go there and just stay with them.

People had better houses. My grannie's house was so much better. Ye could just sit down. My granda read the paper and grannie was doing things and if I had a book I just read it or else sat at the fire and looked into it, the coals burning and ye saw all the caves and ye could imagine how if it was not hot and ye were wee and ye could go inside it and get inside the caves, and the white flaky ash, watching when it fell. Ye could just sit and look into it and it was great. Except Mattie came.

I was there and it was great and then a flap at the letterbox and it was him, I knew it was. I did not want him to come and did not open the door when my grannie told me. I did not like him coming, just when I was there myself. My grannie opened it for him. He came in and looked at me. He wanted me to go away. Sometimes I did sometimes I did not. If he told me something, I did not care. I did not like Matt. Other big boys were better, I liked some, and they were good.

If I could go away, I just wanted to. Children ran away, I was going to. I felt sorry for my maw, she was not a good hitter, even with the brush giving me the doing, her hand got it twisted and she hurted her wrist. She had her troubles. Grannie said that, I heard her and how she got all bad moods with my da at sea and how about wages, it was a worry about that, she was worrying oh if he was not sending anything home, my da. My grannie gived her money. She went in her purse and gived it. I was watching. Oh what are you looking at? My maw got grumpy at me. Then if it was my name and she said it, Oh Kieron.

It sounded funny, I heard it in my head how she said it. Oh Kieron. Maybe I was another boy.

***

I was going to sleep and I was awake and just a wee voice. Oh it was Mattie talking. I turned over to see but it was all dark. Oh if we are all on trial and getting tested for true valour, maybe if it is God but maybe no, maybe just intelligences, if they are intelligences. And if ye pass the test for true valour ye will come hither, oh we beseech ye. They would bring ye if it was sure and steadfast and if it was you and ye were worthy, Oh come hither if we beseech ye.

It was Matt and he was saying about it. It was his voice. Sometimes he said stuff and it was in bed. If he talked to me that was when. Maybe if it was books out the library. So if it was intelligences away in outer space and they came down here and if ye passed yer tests something good would happen and ye would get a prize. If it was in the Lifeboys, ye got the lanyard and the white cover for yer hat, how ye did good behaviour. Matt got it. He was in the Lifeboys. There was all games ye played and he telled me about them and if they went places for picnics and then on adventures that were just like yer travels but they were just better and ye could go on boats, just like canoes the Indians had. It was just adventures and ye went down rocks and canyons. I would get going too.

Ye were on trial and getting tested. If ye had true valour and were sure and steadfast. If ye did ye got whisked away to a far-off planet. That was yer real home so that was where ye went. And ye maybe were a Prince in yer own country and ye were to get the throne so you would be King.

So ye were a Prince, that was what ye were. It was the same as Bonnie Prince Charlie who was a RC. We got him at school. I liked him but Mattie said how he was a Pape. The kilties too. They were all Papes. So that was them, if ye were going to fight with them, they were all Fenian bees. That was what Mattie called them. So away and fight for them, if ye wanted to be a Pape, well same with them, and William Wallace too, if ye thought he was a Proddy he was not, he was a Pape. So if he was he was Irish. The Irish were true Papes. So it was the English, that was who ye were if ye were Scottish, that was what Mattie said, ye were just a true Protestant and it was the Redcoats ye liked, if it was true Protestants, ye must be for England. RCs were for Ireland. So if I liked Bonnie Prince Charlie and the kilties then if I was a Pape, I must be one, if I was Irish. I did not care. And if I was a Prince. Maybe I was. I did not care. And if really I was a Pape, or if it was a RC I did not care.

The teacher was reading us a story. She read us it before the bell rang every afternoon. It was about a boy and a lassie and they were adopted and how it was not happy times for them with a wicked stepfather but then their auntie sent for them and they went on a cruiser ship and went to Italy. That was where the auntie lived and she had a house beside a lake and rooms each. The boy had one away up the stairs in the highest place, there was no place higher except Heaven and it was his own wee place and ye could just look out the window and away way down ye saw the big lake with trees and bushes and oh a wee rowing boat ye could go on and just do the oars swoosh swoosh, swoosh, and ye just glided and it was over to the wee island and then just a wee Chapel, and the teacher was showing us pictures and that was what we saw, it was a real Chapel and a Priest was there, Oh my son you have come home.

So if they were Papes. They were. That was their home for the boy and girl and they did not know. So I could be one too. If really I was one. Maybe I was. I just did not know because they had not told me. My maw and my da got me as a Protestant and put me as a Protestant but all the time if I was not one, if I was a real Catholic. Kieron was for Catholics. People said it. I did not care. I would just do all the stuff. If it all was horrible, I did not care.

Oh Kieron is a Pape's name. They said that. Oh ye do not get.

Proddies called Kieron. So if it is Irish, you must be Irish. Oh you are a Pape.

Well so I did not care. If it was my maw called me Kieron. I told her what people said. She said not to be daft and that was the end of it. But I asked Mattie and he said I was a Pape, that was what he said, Oh you are a Pape. So then we were fighting but he was just kidding and laughing, and would not fight he would not fight, he was just laughing oh I would kill him I would just kill him if he was laughing at me. I did not want him, if he was a brother, I could get another one, so if he was a RC, I did not care. So if he was my brother. Well, I did not care.

I asked my granda. If I was not a Pape how come I had a Pape's name, it is a Pape's name. So my granda said, It is not a Pape's name.

But if it is to do with Catholics?

Do not be so daft son.

It was not daft. It was not daft. And it was not fair granda saying that. If it was to do with Papes how come they called me it? How come? Except maybe if I was one. I was not daft.

Oh it is nothing to do with Papes, just a name yer mammy wanted to call ye, maybe it is a filmstar or something, ask yer grannie.

My grannie just looked at me. That was what she done, and she breathed deep so ye knew ye were not to say it, what ye were going to say, it was just something and she did not want to hear it.

Only from school, my grannie liked it if I telled her stuff that was funny, if lasses were there and playing with us and if things were funny, Oh he pulled her hair and she slapped him on the gub.

Slapped him on the gub! And my grannie would be laughing, Ohh hoh hoh hoh, and my granda too, just laughing, and if I told them more stuff and just made them laugh. Oh the boy is a comic.

But Kieron was not a good-sounding name. Some names were. They were hero-names. Johnnie or Luke or else Jimmy or Danny and a boy was Mac. If ye were Mac ye would be a best fighter. Oh there is Mac, and ye would not be scared of nobody, if they wanted to fight ye, well, you would just fight them. That was Mac.

***

My da was home on leave and if I stayed out late it was smacks on the b*m and skelps on the head. His hand skliffed up the back of yer head and it was sore. And if it was a right thump and ye went flying.

We were telling creepy stories on the first steps in the close. The light was on but it was quite dark and shadows were there and if ye had to go out the back close to get something oh mammy nobody wanted to. Lasses were there too. The one beside me was Elizabeth Dunlop and if ye saw her eyes looking at ye. Oh what is Kieron saying? She was just listening and her eyes just looking at ye, Oh what is he saying.

Ohhh ohhh they are coming to get ye mammy daddy mammy daddy, and all just laughing.

Oh but if ye were shivering too because what ye were saying and it was creepy so ye were feared to go out, no just the lasses, and it was time to go home, somebody was shouting. Oh Kieron it is you.

Oh if it was yer da. Time for bed and it was doings if ye did not. Whose close was it? Maybe it was away along the street and ye just had to go and oh there was the Chapel too and if a Nun was there and looking at ye oh and the gate was open and what if the door was open and ye got dragged through and it was just all everything there oh it was just even if it was devil monsters. Mattie said about them. And if it was time to go home and it was out the back close ye were going and it was all dark and just the darkest and that was where they were hiding in all the shadow bits oh and the midgie there and in the corners, black hoods over their heads, and getting ye and all just creepy with bones pulling ye and not skin, just all stringy and gripping ye tight and just pulling ye away away.

I ran round the front and just ran ran ran and then into my close but ye were going up the stairs and round the landing and oh if a bad man was there ye thought he might be and him dragging ye down and down into the ground oh and it would be out at the midgie too if there was rats there, that was where they went and ye heard if they were squeaking, squeeeeeeek, oh mammy rats could bite ye and if they chased ye ye just ran ran ran and ye were up the stair and nobody could get ye.

***

I came home from school with all my pals. There was lasses there as well. I said how it was my birthday, Oh we are going to have a party, and my granda had balloons. My grannie opened the door and I brought all them in. Oh what is this?

It is me grannie.

Oh it is you.

My granda was there. His hair was all sticking up and his braces were hanging down. How many is there son is it the whole class ye have brought?

No.

The bedroom door was open and so was the door into the lobby cupboard. My pals all were looking to see what things were there and oh there was the lavatory door opened and they were looking in, if there was a smell and granda was there. They were going ben the kitchen and my grannie had a loud voice. Oh no, do not go in there, do not go in there!

She took them to the parlour and went away herself to the kitchen.

Their house was very high up and I was showing my pals out the window and how if ye looked way way to the side ye would see the park just at the edge near where the library was. That was the library there and then too ye could see the wee chip shop way far along. And if ye opened the window and leaned out ye would see how the Church was there, where ye would go to the Lifeboys. I was joining. My big brother was taking me.

My pals were going to go as well but no the lasses, they had the Brownies. They were going to them and did not want to go the Lifeboys. They said that. Oh we want to go to the Brownies.

My granda came ben now and he was all washed. Oh close the window Kieron son. Oh everybody all just sit down on the floor. Now are ye all in the same class? Who is good at their sums and who is good at their reading?

He said if they were all doing their lessons and what was their names, Oh that is a nice name.

And what team did they support, if anybody supported the Celtic. Two boys did. My granda was laughing. Oh who was good players, did anybody go in for the boxing? I put my hand up.

Oh I know about you.

When it was the lasses he said, And what is your name hen, where does your daddy work? Oh it is the shipyards.

My grannie came and gived them all a piece and jam and cups of water then I was to bring them back out to the street and play a game.

It was not my birthday at all. My grannie said it. Oh you are a fly wee besom.

***

My grannie and granda lived across the back. From their house ye could see my kitchen window. My granda showed me. He saw me at the window and waved to me. That was what he said. But I could not see him.

Oh ye were there.

Oh I did not see you granda.

Oh ye were not looking, if ye need specs, maybe ye do.

Did he stand at the window or was it farther back. What was I doing when he saw me? The sink was at the kitchen window. If I was washing my hands or if I was getting my hair washed. My maw did it there and the water went down my neck, and if my head bumped off" the taps or else the cold water came out by mistake and went all over my head into my ear and down my neck. Aaahhh. Maw! She did not like me calling her maw and never to say mammy. Mammy was the worst. Mum or mummy was the best. The same for heid. Oh mum you banged my heid! It is not heid it is head.

She always banged it. Ye just had to kid on it did not happen. And the edge of the taps was sharp and could cut ye. After yer hair got washed ye looked in the mirror to see and ye were all soaked.

Oh you are a drowned cat. That was what she said.

But she did not like cats. My grannie and granda had two cats and my maw had cats when she was wee but she still did not like them. Oh they are dirty and all fleas.

I would have liked a dog. I was not feared of them. A big boy called Derek had one and I clapped it. If he was going to the park he let me come and I could take the leash then in the park he took the dog off the leash oh and away it ran and oh just ran about everywhere and ye threw things and it ran after them. But if people were running it ran after them and Derek shouted at it. And if it was boys playing football, the dog ran to catch their ball, but it could not go in its mouth, lucky for them.

We played football in school. Matt went early to play before the bell rang. I was too wee to play but if wee boys were there we could play, if we had a ball. Ye were tired and sat at yer desk with sore legs and feet. At playtime ye were not to go out the school gate but ye could get a game in the playground. If the ball went over the big railing ye had to climb over or else skip through the gate if a teacher was not there or the jannie. The balls were wee and they could burst. We played on with a burst ball, it skliffed across the ground, and was sore if it hit ye on the ankle. Some of the big boys picked it up and threw it and it hit ye.

I burst my shoes when I was chasing the ball and kicking it. My maw was angry and gived a letter to my teacher. My teacher read it and went away out the classroom and when she came back she did not look at me and was angry She did not like me because of what my maw wrote. I told my maw and she sat down on a chair, and she was angry.

The playground was up high and with a high fence, and barbed wire at the top to stop ye climbing over. The big boys could get up to the top. If the ball got kicked over the fence and landed way down below it was a bakery and there was men there and they kicked it back but sometimes they did not. The smells of baking came into our classrooms and we were starving, it was bread. When ye climbed the high fence ye could see all loafs, stacks and stacks. They were on wooden boards and the men were putting them into vans.

***

It was me got the bad doings in our house except one time Matt got one. Him and his pals were away knocking and the cops got them and took them home in the cop-car. There was a loud chap at the door and it was me opened it. Oh it was big cops there. They came right in the lobby. Oh where is yer mammy son?

Oh but she was not in, tough luck for Mattie it was just my da, he was home on leave and he just came out with a angry face. The cops told him stuff. It was not good. My da was talking to the cops. Matt started greeting. He was just greeting loud and the big cops were looking. They were just going to go away now and what was going to happen. Oh it is out of our hands Mr Smith, saying that to my da.

The cops went away. And here my da saw me, Oh what are you doing here away to yer room!

But I was not doing nothing except just there, I opened the door and the cops were there. Oh away to yer room.

I did but my door was open and I heard. Matt gret louder, if he was going to get a doing. Oh and he was, he did. My da was talking and then he stopped and Matt was going, No daddy no daddy no daddy.

And ye knew what he was doing, just getting Matt and holding him so he could not get away and just whack whack whack.

When my da gived me a doing he always talked but here with Matt he was not. With me he was skelping and talking and if I jumped away he caught me. Oh how many times have I telled ye and oh skelp skelp skelp. But do you ever listen? no, skelp skelp, you just never never listen, skelp.

But no here. And Mattie was shouting, No daddy no daddy no daddy no daddy, and my da was just smack — smack — smack — smack.

Matt never got hit hardly at all so now he was. It was a bad one and I did not like it and just hearing him, it was awful and I did not want to hear him, no greeting like that. It felt funny in my stomach. What was my da saying? His voice was too far.

Where was my maw? She was at her work.

I felt sorry for Mattie but I could not say anything to him, he would not let me, he just went to his bed. It was maybe half past seven.

I went into the living room where my da was reading the paper. He was sitting on his chair and smoking a fag and his face was all red. He did not look to me but he saw me.

I just took down the cushion and sat where I sat at the side of the couch, no far from the telly, that was where I used to sit, if he forgot I was there and maybe was speaking to my maw and saying stuff, ye just listened but he did not like ye doing it. Oh go to bed. But this time he did not say it.

It went on and on not speaking. I got up and went to the door. My da was looking at his paper, his feet under him. He had a angry face. I went away out the room. But there was no place to go, so I just went to my bed but Matt did not want me, I knew he did not and he was just lying and if he was sleeping, I do not think he was. It was a hard doing and I heard low down in his body, hoh, hoh, hoh, hoh, and if maybe it was just if he was still greeting or just breathing. He was not sleeping, he was awake and just thinking about stuff, if he wanted to run away, he must have, that was what I wanted if I got doings, I got a lot of doings. He did not so just it made it worse.

***

People all supported Rangers. Their pitch was away up the road and along. On Saturday ye heard big big roars coming, Ohhhhh, Ohhhhh, so a goal was scored. Two boys out my class were going to see them. Terry and Ian. I went too. Terry's big cousin was taking us. He did not know me and Ian were coming as well and looked angry at Terry. It was just you to come!

But me and Ian just went and he let us.

It was a long walk and ye had to go where there were gangs against ye. They were midgierakers and were Papes. They had sacks and went round people's midgies looking for lucks. If they came down our street ye shouted, Midgierakers Midgierakers. My da said how one had a Yankee motor car and was a millionaire. We went through their place to go to the Rangers. There was all men walking and ye walked beside them. The boys that stayed there just looked. If ye were not with the men they jumped ye. They were tough fighters and ye did not want to get caught.

Coming out of there ye passed a wee football park where a wee team played. It was beside a railway line. Ye could look down at them playing football when ye passed over the railway bridge. Ye could skip in to watch their game. Ye climbed down a wee hill and across the railway tracks and up the other side and through the fence or else under it.

There was not a way in like that for the Glasgow Rangers. It was big big walls, cops on horses. Big railings and high gates. Ye could have climbed them, but the cops would see ye. So ye could not get in except if ye had money to pay at the turnstiles or else got a man to lift ye over. That was how me and my pals were getting in. Terry's big cousin was telling us but I knew because my Uncle Billy said it. He done it when he was wee. And that was what he said, Oh you just do that and ye will get in.

It was the biggest biggest crowd, all men there and boys too and then cops and some were on their horses, big big horses that came close up to ye and ye had to watch out for their feet kicking ye. If ye fell under their belly, that was you and ye got trampled to death.

The horses just done the toilet when they were standing there. It just came out and ye had to watch it. Ye saw the's***e on their tails and b*ms. It was funny looking and people all were laughing.

We were waiting there and Terry's big cousin shoved me. You go over to that f*****g queue.

I did not want to but he said I had to. He shoved Ian to go to another one. It was all queues and all men waiting in long long lines and all going inside the wee gates, it was turnstiles. Then boys were getting lifted over. I saw it. Ye just went to the front and men would lift ye. Terry's big cousin told us. Ye were just to watch for the cops and if the serjeant was there. Oh mister, going to lift us over?

I knew what to say and if men just laughed and did not do it. Oh away ye go son. But if one gived ye a wink so ye were just to stand there beside him and then just nearer and nearer, nearer and nearer. Some men had beer and the smell blew over ye. Oh Mr I have lost my money, can ye lend me any?

If he was a drunk man sometimes he gived ye money or else just laughed at ye, Cheeky wee b*****d.

Cops got angry. They had red faces. Boys were getting lifted over and it was beside them. One cop was swearing. Do not come the c**t! There is the serjeant.

Ye were hoping they would not look to see. If ye were faraway they let the man lift ye but then if they shouted, Hoy you stop that, and chased all the boys away.

When they done that the men all laughed and went, Boooo.

Some big boys screwed up bits of silver paper and flicked them at the horses' b*ms and one shouted, Stick a pin up its a**e.

So if ye done it what would happen? The horse had a very big b*m and maybe would not even feel it or else if it did and was a bucking bronco so the cop fell off.

All men were saying bad words and so were the boys. And the cops too, if ye came too near the horses. Get out the f*****g road!

If it was just wee boys they got lifted easy. But if it was too big a boy the cops waved their hand so the man had to stop or else it was hard for the man to lift him over the gate. Some men were wee so when ye were in mid air their arms were high up holding ye and ye had to walk yer feet over the gate. The man taking in the money could not stop ye because he was in the cubicle and could not come out. But if he was angry at ye and shouting at the man, Oh what are you playing at! Do you think I am a mug? I am getting the f*****g polis!

The man lifting ye over was angry back at him. Aw shut yer f*****g mouth he is just a boy.

I will put you out as well you f*****g b*****d ye.

Just f*****g try it.

F**k you.

Oh f**k you.

I will come round there and batter yer f*****g c**t in!

Away and f**k yerself.

And ye were getting nearer and nearer and people all shoving then it was you and the man taking ye just winked and if it was a big man it was just wheeeecchh and that was you, ye were over and jumping down the other side. Ye had to watch it so ye did not fall back or else yer head got banged on the gate or the brick wall. So ye were on the ground and ye just ran round and jooked through the men going up the stairs, some walking, some running, and if ye got into there nobody could get ye.

I was looking to see Ian and Terry and the big cousin but they were not there. I waited a long time. Maybe if the cops came and got them. I waited and waited. Everywhere it was all men and big boys, all crowding and going fast. If the game was going to start, it was, men were saying. So then I just walked in with them and was just going along and on up the steps and ye could not stop even if ye wanted. And the steps up were steep as steep and men were hurrying up and if ye were too slow, Oh get out the road. Oh for f**k sake look where ye are going!

I was watching down at my feet because if I tripped and fell, so I did not fall, and I saw three pennies there on the ground and tried to get them but the men were pushing ye and ye had to walk on, ye could not stop. Other boys were there. I saw them. They were getting stuff, empty bottles and dowps to smoke, getting matches off men to light them. Boys had bags, and that was for the bottles. Their bags had all empty bottles and they would get money back on them. They were just picking up all the bottles and it was money back. How many bottles did they have? Just piles of them. But if you were there and took them they would batter ye.

I was at the top of the stairs and the best thing when ye looked down, just the best ever, seeing the pitch, oh and it was away way far below, just all the green grass and the lines round it and then the goals and the nets all just there and the best ever ye could think. Men were shouting and bawling. Then the biggest roar. They were coming out. The players all were coming out. I could not see. If it was them, if it was the Glasgow Rangers. People all were cheering. Oh come away the boys!

I was having to jump up to see. And I did, and it was not boys just men! People were saying boys but they all were men. Big ones and wee ones, and some had baldy heads. Their blue jerseys and white shorts and their thick socks all pulled up to their knees and them just jumping up and down, slapping their hands.

The other team was just quiet and looking down at the grass. They were skinny and if they could not fight, maybe they could not, they were so just skinny, that was what I thought.

People all were singing now, more and more, and shouting, Oh oh oh and all what they were singing, all the words and ye just felt the best ever ye could feel and with them all being there, just everybody, crowds and crowds, all different and all the boys too, oh just it was everybody, that was what ye felt, it was just the greatest of all. And ye were just laughing, ye could not stop laughing and then oh it was shivering too if that other team wanted a fight well we would give them it, anytime, anyplace we would fight them fight them fight them, oooohhhhhh till the day is done we would and just fight them and never never surrender, we would never do that if it was dirty Fenian b*****ds, well it was just them and if they wanted their go we would give them it till the day is done, we would just follow on and never surrender if it was up to our knees and that was their blood we never ever would surrender if we were ever cowards, we would never be, never ever.

It just made ye angry, if they thought that, if we would be cowards oh we would never be cowards, and it was just everybody, oh who wants to fight us because ye shall die, we will kill yez all we will never give in, never, never never, never shall there even be one to give in. We would die first and all people were with us if it was big boys and men and who else just if they were there, and everybody if it was the wee boys it was just everybody there and all helping and you would be beside them all and yer pals too if they were there and it was for King Billy too and if it was for the Gracious Queen oh against the Rebels if we are, oh we are, if we are, oh we are. So what is the cry? a man was shouting, Oh and we were all shouting back, The cry is No Surrender, No Surrender or ye will die.

It was for our hearts and shields, we would never surrender. If they wanted to beat us they just could not, if it was all the Papes and Fenians and they were wanting to fight us well we would just fight them back. Who did they think they were? If it was just Papes, if they were going to fight ye, ye would just fight them back. We would not be feared of them, we would just kill them if it was all Rebels, if they were going to get us, they were not going to get us, they were just a Papish crew and were cowards.

Ohhh.

A man was pushing my shoulder. Stop f*****g kicking.

I am no kicking.

Ye are f*****g kicking me you silly wee c**t.

Oh he is just a boy.

Well tell him to stop f*****g kicking me!

He is not mine, I do not know him. Son, who are ye with?

I did not tell him but just went away along and was jumping up to see to the pitch down over the heads. I loved seeing the pitch, all the grass and muddy bits where the goalie was and in the middle line at the centre circle, and ye could see where to go with the ball and how ye would be running if the men were chasing ye they just would not get ye because ye were a quick quick runner and would just jink about if ye had the ball and ye were kicking it good and could score a goal into the net and the goalie could not catch it, a big grown-up man and he had a cap on and he was diving to save it but yer kick was just hard and ye scored the goal and they could not catch ye ye were just running and jumping over the wall and then away up fast out the road so the cops would not get ye.

Everybody was all singing, and ones were jumping up and waving their arms and punching, oh it was big punching and oh the men's faces all angry angry oh for the Fenian b*****ds oh for the Fenian b*****ds. Celtic would know about their troubles, we would fight them fight them fight them, till the day is done, oh if they thought we would be beat by them, we never would be beat, no by them, never never never, no against them and all the Irish and the Papes, never never never, if we would ever surrender, never never, we would always guard against them, we would just chase them away and they could just go back to Dublin and we would follow on, if they were just running away, not staying to fight and we were the bravest Protestant Boys, we would fight to the death, we would just kill them because if they hung themself oh for the Sash well we just would wear the Sash too if it was for our fathers and King Billy and then if it was the Gracious Queen, we would fight till our dying day. Oh and they were playing. The game had started. A man was chasing the ball, it went out for a shy. A man beside me was smoking and it was going in my face. He was smoking it fast and laughing and what he said, Follow follow, and a man beside him was just looking and he said it, Follow follow, and then he spat down on the ground and did not watch for people's feet.

It was hard to move and the men were going up and down and up and down and it was steps so ye had to watch it ye were going back with them, and yer knees were bending and heels hitting men's feet and then if ye were falling forward and ye just caught on a man and a man was saying that, Oh watch for the wean, watch for the wean.

And it was me.

Oh where is yer da son? The man said it to me and was grumpy. Is yer da here?

No.

Oh ye better go down the front.

And he pushed me out to where there was a walk down all the steps down to a wee white wall. Boys were standing and ye could get in there, squeezing in but one saying, Heh you watch it, if I was shoving him but I was not, I was not meaning to, I was just getting in. Then people all were pushing and a man was angry and shouting, Oh for f**k sake ye are crushing us! It is weans here, watch the weans.

They were crushing into us and yer knees were against the wall and ye were shoving back. I was looking to see Terry and Ian but they were not there. The ball came. It was kicked high and was coming over our heads. Ohhhh and people all were cheering.

One man was getting the ball now to take the shy oh and his thick thick legs and all the men too how their legs were just the thickest, if ye got a kick off them they would just kick ye up in the air. And the one taking the shy was giving deep breaths, and going now taking aim and oh throwing the ball. And he done it far and then was chasing after it and so were all them.

***

I was out a message and a big boy grabbed me. He got me down and his young brother was there. Oh that is him.

The wee brother said that.

I did not know who they were. The big brother kneeled down on my arms so I could not move. I was trying to wrestle him off but I could not and was throwing my chest up and shouting. It was the worst dirty fighting. His hand now over my mouth and I was smothering, could not breathe, rolling about and he punched my stomach. Get that Get that, shouting to his young brother.

It was a big boulder, a right jaggy one, wee bits sticking out. The big brother pressed his knees down hard on my arms and then back holding my legs and I was trying to push him off and twisting my head and he slapped me on my face at my ear. I am warning ye, you stay away from my young brother, ever hit him again and I will kill ye.

But I did not know the young brother and he was there with the boulder in his two hands gripping it, holding it to his chin, getting my face in full view and taking aim and then he dropped it and it was full force how he done it, landing it on my nose and face and there was blood all over, my nose burst. They ran away and I got along the street, where I was, I cannot mind, through a back and up the stairs to the house and my grannie and granda were there and my grannie took me out and along the road and slow slow, Oh careful son careful, holding my nose. Oh hold it together if it is broke and it moves oh the broke bits would come out the skin.

So if she did not hold them right, my nose would be in a bad state forever and she was holding my nose and taking me on the street and way way along by the picture-house and the park and away way to the hospital.

The nurse was there. Who done it son?

I did not know. I had not seen the boy before. If he went to my school, I did not know, maybe he mixed me up. If he was in a gang from another street. There were battles with people in other streets. But ye did not know who they were, if it was one face, ye were just fighting and running or if ye were tossing stones or what. I had never seen that wee boy. He did not go to my school. If he was a Pape, maybe he was.

My nose got stitches sewn in by the doctors and was twisted up with a dent at the side and bandages were on it and a thing not to make it worse. People were laughing. Oh you are a real boxer.

Oh do not worry, said the nurse. The doctors said it would heal up because my grannie did a good job, she was the one that did it. People would just think I was a boxer.

That was right and my granda said it too. He was sitting in my house when me and my grannie came in. My maw was onto her feet and seeing my nose. Oh my oh no oh no. And she was grumpy and poking at it. Oh why do you have to fight Kieron. Why do you always have to fight. Then she was cuddling me but banged the bandages a wee bit.

Aahh mum.

Oh Kieron I am sorry.

The boy is scarred for life, said my grannie. The stitches leave a mark.

Oh it is only a wee mark, said my granda.

His nose is bashed and twisted, said my grannie. The wee soul, look at him!

Oh no. My maw cuddled me again. Oh I hate all this fighting why do ye have to do it. I am just fed up with it. It is not fair. Oh Kieron.

Mum it was boys done it to me, I was not fighting.

Who did it? said Mattie.

I did not speak back to him. I did not look at him. He said it again to me, Who did it? I did not want to speak to him. He never stuck up for me but just punched me. I did not care about him.

Oh living here is horrible, said my maw.

My granda was looking at her.

Oh but dad, it is.

It is no use talking to him, said my grannie.

No because my brains are scrambled listening to you all day.

Your brains are just scrambled. Imagine marrying you, I must have been thick.

No as thick as me.

Oh you are thick. Just look at that boy.

They all looked at me.

It is not my fault, said my granda.

Yes it is, said my grannie, you and yer stupid boxing. Oh what a nose! Look at the wee soul!

Oh wait till his father hears, said my maw.

Oh well son now ye are a real boxer.

My granda said how ye would never feel sorry for a real boxer, except if he got injuries to his head and passed away in hospital. That happened to a boxer and my granda was watching, it was maybe a punch to the side neck or above his ear, if it was a foul blow, maybe it was. My granda said it was but the referee was cheating and kidded on he did not see it. Then the other one that was the dirty boxer, he just hit the boy again oh just the hardest and how his knees just were jelly and ye saw his head spinning on his neck. Ye could see it just where ye were sitting. It just spun round so it went off his spine, and that was him.

Oh dad, dad. That was my grannie saying it, dad. She said that to my granda, Oh dad, shut up with that nonsense.

It is not nonsense Vera.

Hohhh, and my grannie just breathed hard and looked at my maw with her eyes big.

There was a place where they had boxing matches and my granda went. He did not go now but when he got better he was going to take me. It was not faraway and was always busy Ye were lucky to get a seat but he knew the people and could get seats just whenever he liked.

My brother said if he could come as well. He liked boxing.

Oh but my maw was angry. For Heaven sake dad have you not had enough fighting? Look at him! Just look at him! Oh Kieron why do you have to fight fight fight?

It was not me that was fighting but I did not say it. If one person was fighting the other person was, that was what she thought.

But if somebody shoved ye and ye were just walking. So if that was fighting, that was not fighting. Or if they just kicked ye. Ye were walking past and they did it. You did not do anything to them.

My maw was making toast but I did not want any, just bed. My grannie and granda went away home.

Mattie came the same time as me. Who was it that did it, if I knew who it was. I did not talk. I was thinking who it was and all what else I was thinking, oh I did not want to talk to Mattie. No. And I was not, I did not want to. He said, Oh if ever ye see him tell me.

Big brothers went after ones if they battered their young brothers. Maybe if Mattie would. Maybe he would.

If I ever saw that big brother again. Big brothers stick up for the wee ones. I was thinking of his face but could not see it right. He was just looking down at me, gripping me and doing all what anything, I just could not move, I could not move and his wee brother there, Oh just get it, and he would just drop it, just a jaggy boulder, if it was coming on my nose, I could not stop it and do anything.

I did not see faces right. If it was my da, if it was his face. I thought about him and he was sitting at the table. Oh you stop that, angry voices and just grumpy, Oh away to yer bed. I could not see his face.

My nose was sore and it was a funny sore how it went, if everything came out it and just was nothing left and was only a bone, if I took off the bandage, my nose would all be white and people would just laugh, they would. But if I went on my side it was another way it was sore and I did not do it. Matt was away to sleep. I was glad and shifted to the very very edge, if his feet touched, I did not want to touch them, I did not want him and anybody.

***

A big boy showed me how to make hatchets. I liked making them. When ye were fighting gangs ye had them for close-in fighting. Ye got tin cans out the midgies and then wooden sticks. Ye bashed the tin down with a boulder then put in the stick and bashed it down again till it was stuck. Ye tried to get good ragged edges. A big boy said, Oh your hatchets are good. He said they were tomahawks. Oh Kieron makes good tomahawks.

I planked them round the side of the midgie. A big boy wanted one. I gived him it. It had a right raggedy edge and was good. He took it and split a boy's head open. It stuck in his scalp. Somebody pulled it out and the blood soaked all his hair. His hair was soaked with it. All black and flat to his head but then at the other side his hair was sticking up and ye saw it red.

Oh if the cops were coming, somebody said they were, and if they got me, I was thinking that, oh because I got the hatchet.

People all were talking how it was going to be a big fight. Oh it was a pitched fight, if it was pitched, a pitched fight. Their gang would come and ours would be there and then ye would just be fighting.

And if they had knives too, their gang had all knives and people were going to get chibbed. So if we had knives we could get them or just if it was hatchets. Big boys were saying how their das had hammers and if they could get them or else screwdrivers for stabbing. Mattie was there and he was looking at me, if I was going to tell or what was I going to do. Other wee boys were there and we were just waiting, what to do, Oh make hatchets.

The gang was coming. I told boys in my class. They were in gangs too and if it was their gang coming to fight ours. They did not know.

But a gang did come and we got all stones. I did not know these boys. A lot of them was there. They chased us and we were all in a close and could not get out. They were at the front and firing in at us and we were diving up the stairs, the stones firing off the walls and hitting into our ankles. We rushed out the back but ones were waiting there and pelted us. They had a lot of boys oh and were just firing in at us and a woman's window got smashed in and a pram got hit and the cops all were coming.

Men came and were shouting at us. If stones were hitting motor cars. They did. People did not care. A man was running to get us, he was a bus driver. The stones hit his bus and he jumped out and came after us but boys were flinging stones at him so he ran into a close and just looked out. So then the cops came and chased us. But it was just the big boys they chased. They all ran through the close and over the dykes to get away. The wee ones were just standing there and the cops passed by giving ye looks but that was all and ye just stood there because ye were wee. What were ye fighting for? The cop said it to us.

It was gangs, that was what we said, they came to get us so we were just fighting them back. My big brother was there and he got away. How he done it, when the cops were chasing him, he just walked up the stairs and the cops did not get him, they did not go up the stair, they just ran through the back close. If the cop said, Oh where is yer big brother, and if I said where he was they would have got him and took him to jail and if they gived him a right kicking. They would. Lucky for him I did not tell them.

Mattie was angry. Oh shut yer mouth.

Oh but I could if I wanted.

Well if ye did I would batter ye.

Well I do not care.

You are just a wee cliping little pig.

I am not.

Well if ye tell the cops.

I am not going to, I just said if I did.

Oh shut up.

***

Matt went to Church for Sunday School. He had to for the Lifeboys. Mr Simpson was the teacher. He came from the posh houses near the park. My da called him skinny malinky Simpson big banana feet. Oh he is not Mr Simpson he is Mr Sampson, the strongest man in the world. See his arms. His arms are just pipe-cleaners but his feet are just bananas, the biggest bananas in the world. Oh he is big but just if the wind rises, Oh a man is down, a man is down Mr, I hope you did not huff and puff.

My da talked funny about people. He done it about all what was at sea, it was stories. He done it in funny voices and if he was at the pub. We would be eating our tea and he would say it and we were all laughing. Oh if it was the Cape of Good Hope, if they call it the Cape of Good Hope? So how come? and it would be a joke and all laughing.

Spit came out yer mouth and went on people's food. Oh if you are spitting in my food, oh be careful if you are spluttering. My da would push yer shoulder, Oh look at him.

But he would just be laughing and so would we all, and if it was darkies. My da saw all darkies, and chinkies too, they all were there and just all what they were doing, even if they fell in the water, Oh I am velee solee, and how all what they done and if they did not eat stuff, Oh I eat this I eat that I do not eat yours.

Aye well ye b****y better no eat mine's.

My maw would be laughing but she did not like him saying the bad word and she would look at me and Matt. Oh you will not do it, it is just your father.

They eat all porcupine pie and snakes wrapped in sausage rolls and for mince they eat all maggots and dead flies. For fish, any kind of fish, they mash up their bones and eat that too. Everything in the fish, they just eat it and if it was a white man ye would just be Ohhhh my stomach is sore-looking.

The ship's cook just gived them wee plates of food but if it was you ye got big plates. So if they saw the food. Oh he has got big food we do not.

Oh you are just a cannibal, you only want heads and arms chopped up in soup. So then if the men spat in their food. Oh watch the darkie eating the food and it was mixed in their gravy.

My maw did not like him saying it and put her fingers in her ears, her eyes were shut. I am not listening I am not listening I am not listening. Oh do not say that Johnnie it is just horrible and disgusting.

Well if it is true.

I do not care, do not say it.

Oh but.

Oh do not say it, not with the boys.

My da would look at Matt and just a wee smile. If he looked at me. He did look at me. If I did not know what was he saying. Oh did ye get it son?

Sometimes ye did not get it, ye just saw him and he gave a wee laugh and ye knew what it was. So you were laughing too. And he said it to ye. Oh ye like that one, he likes that one, pointing his finger at ye.

And Matt would be laughing.

But if it was grannie, saying jokes about her. How come? That was what he done. Even she was swimming, Oh she is like a swan.

And he did a swim with his arms and how grannie kept her head straight in the water. My maw heard him and did not like it. Oh but she does not want the water on her hair.

Well how come she goes to the baths! My da laughing. If she had an umbrella, then she could swim with the umbrella.

Then if you were laughing, maybe ye were. He said it and it was funny, but I did not like laughing. If it was yer grannie and ye were laughing about her. She took me swimming. She was a best swimmer, my granda said it, and she was a past champion. I would stick up for my grannie. How come my da said things about her? He just did.

He never went much to her house. She was my maw's mother and he had his own one. If my da liked her the best. She was my other grannie, Grannie Petrie Smith. She stayed in Dunfermline and did not come to Glasgow. Oh they are all sinners, they are thieves and murderers, they will cut yer throat. That was what she said if it was Glasgow people, Oh they are just keelies.

She stayed in the same house as my big cousins and my Uncle Eric and Auntie Maureen. It was an upstairs-downstairs house and had a garden round the front and round the back. The back bit had a shed with all stuff inside it. They were quite rich.

My big cousins were lasses. I liked their voices. Oh ye do this ken. Oh if ye ken this. We did not see them except at holidays, we went on the train to visit. Sometimes it was two trains.

Grannie Petrie Smith had bad feet and if ye were going to kick them, oh she was always worried, Oh my feet my feet. So if ye were running past, Oh watch my feet watch my feet, and she poked ye with a stick.

Grannie Petrie Smith had the worst name. Oh I am not an apple I am not an apple. Oh you have not to call me Grannie Smith but just Grannie Petrie Smith.

Petrie was her name before she got married to Smith. Smith was my da's da and passed away when my da was a wee boy. He was my other granda. So we were Smiths from him. Auntie Maureen said how me and Mattie would have liked him but Uncle Eric said, Oh ye would not, he was just a crabbit old b****r.

She did not like ye if ye were noisy, if ye were talking, she did not like ye doing it, if it was too loud. Oh he is too noisy, oh tell him to be quiet. Oh he is just a wee keelie.

She did not like my name. Oh is it Kierrunn? Oh you must be O'Malley and McGlinchey or if it was Kelly and Reilly. Oh is it Kierunnn you must be O'Reilly. Oh if you are Oirish you are from Rome, oh if you are a Roman Catholic.

Oh and if she poked ye with the stick and ye said it to her, Oh Grannie that is sore, she just went, Aww graaaaanie. Oh you wee Glesgie keelie.

My da was laughing.

But my maw had a big red face. She was giving angry looks to me. And it was how I was talking. Oh you do not say this you say that. If you are talking to people you are to say this and not that oh it is just a showing-up if you speak like that, it is not awww graaaanie it is oh grannie, listen to your brother.

I looked for Matt but he was not there. He went with my big cousins, they had a room up the stairs and had records.

Please may I go out to play?

Yes you may.

Ye had to say it like that when my da was there. So if ye were at the table at teatime and finished yer food. Oh please may I leave the table please can I go out to play?

Grannie Petrie Smith was like a witch ye saw in books and her face too, it was like it except she was old old. She was older than a witch, she was just a real witch. I said it to my big cousins and they were laughing. Matt was there. They were out in the garden. I went looking for them and that was where they were beside the shed in the garden. They just talked and Mattie was listening. Grannie Petrie Smith was a moaner and did not like if they were putting their music on. Oh thump thump thump, thump thump thump.

But she did not poke them with her stick. And she did not poke Matt. Oh she pokes me, I said.

It is just your face, said Matt.

Well you are her favourite.

Oh shut up.

Well she likes you the best.

She did like him the best. I did not care. I did not like her. I said to my big cousins about our other grannie that stayed in Glasgow. But she was not their grannie. They had their own one and she lived in Fife. She could not walk and was in a chair. They had all uncles and aunties living there, and a lot of cousins that were boys. I wanted to see them. Mattie said, Oh they are not your cousins.

Well if we just visited them.

But it is not our family.

But if they did not have any cousins that were boys maybe they would want us. If we just visited them. I would visit them. It would be great. Ye would just get the train. What was their name? I did not know their name. Even just ye were pals. We could go their pals. Maybe they did not have pals.

I would have loved cousins, and if they were in Glasgow. People in my class had all cousins, and some were best fighters and ye could just say Oh he is my cousin, so then he would stick up for ye if ye were having a fight.

Uncle Billy and Auntie May did not have children. That would have been our cousins. We only had cousins off my da. He was my big cousins' uncle. They liked him. Uncle Johnnie, that was my da.

They had their maw, my Auntie Maureen, she was his sister. Our grannie was the same, Grannie Petrie Smith. They had to call her that as well. My big cousins were talking about it then they went away. Matt was away too. I was looking for him out the back and front. Weer lasses were playing skipping ropes. I just was watching then came in the house. I needed the lawy but the lawy door was locked. Grannie Petrie Smith was in. I heard the coughing and knew it was her so I went ben the parlour. My maw and da were there but, I heard them outside the door. My maw talked funny, and a quiet voice. Oh but my da was just angry and ye could hear it oh and angry to my maw. Then he looked and saw me. Oh what are you doing? Are you listening behind doors? What are you doing? What — Are — You — Doing?

My stomach was just sore and I was rubbing it. But he just reached and skelped me on the leg and I fell down and he waited for me to get up and he skelped me on the b*m.

Oh so you are listening to people's conversations. You wee sneak. Away out and play.

I was greeting. Oh but da I need the toilet I need the toilet.

You are just a wee sneak.

Oh Johnnie, my maw said, do not call him a sneak.

Well he is one, listening to people's conversations. If I catch him doing it again I will give him a good skelp.

So I was greeting. Oh but I was not doing nothing, I was not listening behind doors. I was just needing the lavatory and I was bursting for it.

Oh away out my sight.

I heard the plug getting pulled and Grannie Petrie Smith coming out. I did not want her to see me and just ran out. I hated that house and she was not a real grannie. I went away out and in the back garden and I just stayed in it. Then the wee bushes were there and I saw them. I creeped over and lied down on my side just lying along, and I done the lawy there on the dirt oh and the pee was on the dirt and coming closer and closer but I was still peeing and some pee went on my leg. It was just the worst. My clothes were dirty and my maw saw them. I went away out the road and just walked about. They did not know where I was and were waiting to go home on the train. My da was just looking at me.

My maw said it in a low voice, Oh Kieron hurry up, where were ye?

I gret. How come? I just started, it was horrible, them all there, my big cousins as well, just looking.

***

Big boys could be bullies and not just if it was brothers. A boy in my street got doings off people and he did not have a brother. He was the same age as me but just wee. Big boys punched him and it was not fair. One time a dog bit him. A boy set it on him. Boys done that. They shouted to their dog Get him boy, and the dog would chase him, or you if it was you.

They flung stones at that wee boy and it was not fair because he had nobody to stick up for him. A big bully hit him with a plank of wood and just laughed. I saw him. The wee boy was greeting and the snotters were coming out his nose. I was thinking if we could get the big bully, maybe we could. We could put him in a sack. Oh and just fling it in the midgie and when the midgie-men came they would take him away, they would put him in the dumps and all the seagulls would come and peck him. I said it to the wee boy that was getting hit, Oh if we grow up, we will just get them and give them a doing.

If I was a big brother I would have stopped that bully. I hated all the bullies. Big brothers were the worst. I just was wanting to hit them, just fight them and oh it was just maybe hitting them.

It was just all the big boys, if we could fight them. We said we were going to and went and got all the wee boys and I went to my grannie's street and up for Terry out my class. Come on out, we are going to fight the big boys.

Terry came. So then we went the next street to get our pal Ian and coming back Michael Lang was there with his pals, Catholics. I saw their faces but did not know them. Oh we will come with ye.

And we all were just laughing and oh just laughing, it just was good. We all came down the street and were picking up good stones. We took them out the back and planked them. Somebody said it to the big boys, if we were going to fight them.

Oh but they were not going to fight us, and they were laughing. Oh away ye go, wee lasses.

I made hatchets and two big big ones ye could swing. Ye just needed long sticks to make them and it was two hands to hold them. Big boys could not get close-in if they were trying to get ye.

We had our hatchets and stones all ready out the back and were waiting. But the big boys did not come, they were out the front kicking a ball about. So we just went to start it. We got their ball and kicked it away down the road. Oh what was that for, cheeky wee b*****ds.

So we flung stones at them so then they got angry and were just, Oh we will f*****g batter yez, you wee c**ts.

They chased us through the back close and over to the midgie but they were coming too fast and we were just getting chased everyplace. A big boy chased me but I just was able to lift a big hatchet to hit him but it did not work good. He chased me into the midgie but oh the head fell off the hatchet so it was only the stick left. I climbed up the midgie roof to jump up on the dyke but the big boy was catching my feet so I jumped away and there was a good boulder there and I flung it at him and then stepping back because if he was going to get me, but stepping into nothing and straight off the roof and landing smack into the ground crack my head. The big boy was shouting he was going to get me, oh get me oh and his eye was all bleeding, I saw it all and his face all oh looking at me but I was just could not get up oh and my head I could not get up, I was to get up. I could not.

The big boy was there and I was seeing out at him, then up to the sky. Nobody was there. Then voices were there. It was just the sky and if my maw got me and if my da, if she told him, when he came home, he would just get me, he would just oh if he did, he just would.

I was sleeping.

Then there he was, my da, oh it was him, he was not at sea but home on leave.

A boy told Mattie and Mattie told my da and here he was. He kneeled down on the ground to lift me up and carry me, he carried me across the back and up the stair. He was talking to me. Oh Kieron ye are going to be alright, ye will be alright, do not worry do not cry, and other things, I do not know what.

We were in the house. My brother was there. My da was angry at him and then to me, Oh but you are a silly wee fool, oh if ye do not look out, broken noses and oh silly wee fool if you are climbing up on that midden do not ever climb up on that ever again, just never ever ever do it oh if ever I catch you oh it will be so much the worse.

My maw was at her work. My da took me to the hospital and I was walking and Mattie there too.

Oh my da hated waiting. My wee boy's arm is broke. The people all were looking at me oh poor wee boy. But we were just to sit. Oh Mr Smith the nurse is coming.

He hated waiting and it was ages. Ye just had to sit. But out came the nurse to get me. Oh who is this boy, we know this boy, oh his arm is broken. Oh poor Kieron.

And she took me ben the room. Then there was the big boy that I flung the brick at. He was with his maw and sitting beside a stretcher but he was not on it. His head had bandages.

I was into a wee room and the nurse was looking and my da was rubbing my head.

So it was a stookie on my arm. The bone would get better. If it knitted. The bone was knitting. The stookie was round it to keep it straight and if it was straight it knitted. They tied a white sheet in a sling round my shoulder and elbow. I was to keep my elbow in the sling and if I did not the bone would not knit.

When we were walking home my da stopped at the chip shop and got bags of chips. I could not hold mine. I had to just eat out his and Mattie's. Up in the house my grannie and granda were there and I was to write my name on the stookie but it was the wrong hand and I could not write. My da got me to do it, he held my hand with the pen then got my fingers to do it the right way. Everybody was laughing.

Then da and granda wrote their names on it but my maw and my grannie would not. Matt did not want to write his name on it. I would have let him. My da said to do it, so then he did.

Me and him were in the same bed and he was banging my arm. He did not mean it. I woke up with it happening. I was kept off school. My da went back to sea and I went to my grannie's till my maw came home from work. I had books from the library. When I went back to school people wrote their names on the stookie. The lasses laughed. Ones that I liked were there and I wanted them to write their name but they did not.

Yer fingers poked out the plaster but not enough so ye could write. Ye were not supposed to do anything except sit at the desk and listen hard to what the teacher was saying. Ye tried writing with yer left hand. My granda got me to try. Ye gripped the pencil tight but yer fingers could not work it.

I could run but not for playing football. It was too sore. I took my elbow out the sling so my arm was hanging down. My fingers fitted into my trouser pocket but it was too sore.

When the stookie got taken off my arm was skinny, white and blue. Oh it is Rangers. My granda said that.

He showed me exercises. He pushed my fingers back and forward. Then I was to hold his fingers, if I could grip them, just tight as tight then slack then tight then slack. Other things. And holding stones. My granda had special stones and all smooth. He was good at sharpening and he did all knives and scissors. He did it for the women up the close. I saw a woman when I was going up the stair. Oh take this knife to yer granda son.

He had the stone and just rubbed the knife hard and being careful with it. He showed me how to, and it was special stones that were good for it. He kept them in a drawer and I was not to take them out the house. I was to hold them and squeeze them then slack and then squeeze. My grannie said he was not to, it would not be good but he said it would be good and I needed to get back to my drawing. He knew about all exercises because of his training, he did all the training. My grannie said, Oh I will take the boy swimming that is the best thing. You can just come and watch.

Oh I will come.

My granda said that but he did not.

***

I knew how to swim now and grannie was taking me. I ran up the stairs to get her. Their house was up the top flat. I bent down to see through the letterbox. My granda came to the door. Who is it?

Me.

But he knew it was me, laughing to grannie. Oh there is the boy Vera no escape now.

The swimming baths were the busiest on Saturdays and the noisiest ever ye could get. My grannie gived me a look when she saw all the people. Her eyes went big and from side to side. Oh Kieron, but she did not blame me. She went up the stair to the ladies' changing cubicles and I went to the boys', then was into my trunks and out in the pond swimming about.

But where was she? She still did not come. I swam and swam for ages. If something had happened. I did not know. How come she was not there? I done more swimming, diving down to touch the bottom. I was good at underwater swimming. I learned it before I could swim on the top. Down at the deep end big boys were diving for stuff. They chipped a penny out to the middle then diving off the side and staying underwater till they picked it off the bottom. The men attendants did not bother so all the boys diving, it was great, except ye had to watch out if the penny was too near the deep end because people were diving off the dale, and if they landed on top of ye, their arms would have smashed into ye, if they would break their arms or what if it was head to head, them diving down on top of yer head like that yer heads would both be smashed, ye would be dead, they would just crack. Heads cracked, and it was like eggs. Then the blood all spilling and it would be into the water, and it would be yours. Then my grannie, if she saw ye and ye were just lying there on top of the water or else sinking to the bottom, maybe ye would, if ye cracked yer head, so what would happen then? If ye might be dead so ye were away to Heaven or else Hell, and then yer grannie seeing ye. Oh poor wee soul, he is my wee grandson, oh poor wee boy if he is dead.

Where was she? She still had not come out the ladies' door. I was swimming for ages and she still had not come out. And ye could not see her up at the ladies' changing cubicles, then seeing the clock, then the divers up the dale. I was going to do it again. I tried it once and hurt myself and I had not tried it again. No many wee boys done the dale. It was my head I hurt, my arms were not straight out right so the water smacked it and it was just like the worst punch or else if it was a hammer, just plohhhh, plohhhh, and I was coming up and up and I got on the rail, my hands on it, I just held on a minute till then I went up the steps onto the side and into the showers and was just dizzy and sat down at the wall. Matt was there and he saw me. I just sat there. After I got up I went to my cubicle and sat on the wee seat and did not go back in the water, and then my face felt hot.

I wanted to dive it again. It was just to get it right and yer arms the gether and straight out. What some boys did was go steps at a time. Ye started from the second step and so on till ye reached the top. I could do the steps. It was only the dale. I needed to try it again. But no the now, no with my grannie. Then I saw a wee boy. He climbed the steps right up. He saw the dale was clear, took a wee run and dived straight off. I had not seen a wee boy do it like that before. He was weer than me and his swimming was just like splashing about. Then he done it again, just ran up the steps onto the dale and dived right off. He was dripping wet too so ye thought he could slip but he did not. And he did not hurt his head. Maybe I could. Yer hands had to be touching. If they were too apart the water smacked ye. I was shivering. Sometimes it was cold. Oh but I wanted to try it. Who was that wee boy with?

His pals. If it was his grannie or his brother they would not let him.

The dale was empty I could just run up. Ye could go on the dale just to look. Ye had to watch it if somebody came and bumped ye.

Oh but I wanted to do it. But what if my grannie saw me?

Where was my grannie? Maybe if something bad had happened, I wanted to go and see but could not because it was through the ladies' door and ye could not if ye were a boy, if they saw ye it was just dirty, ye were trying to see them so if they had no clothes on. Some boys tried to look. I did not. Ye were trying no to. They came down from the upstairs. They had their cubicles round the upstairs, a railing went round the edge.

That railing was higher than the dale. Ye could stand on it and dive off. People said that. Except if ye crashed on the ground below Ye would have to fling yerself way out to miss it. But what if yer feet caught on the edge? Ye would just break them.

Then my grannie was there in her costume, walking slow out the ladies' door her arms down straight and no looking anyplace, her shoulders going a wee bit side to side. She wore her cap. The women all wore their caps, so did the lasses except if they were wee.

She did not see me, only in front of her feet. All boys and wee lasses were running about and ye had to be careful they did not bump into ye. I was waving to her. She saw me but kept walking to the steps at the shallow end. That was what my grannie done. She walked down and started swimming straight away. A lot tested the water, if it was too cold, they went a wee bit at a time, flicked up the water on their body till it got warmer. Some went back to the showers for a heat. My grannie did not, she went down the steps and stood on the bottom and then was swimming straight away. She done breadths and not lengths and did not put her head under the water.

My grannie was a good swimmer. I swam beside her but she went ahead. She was slow and I was fast but she beat me, except she did not race me. I raced her. She did not talk and kept her mouth shut tight so the water did not go in. After a wee bit she climbed out and that was her. I waited a wee while longer then I went out too.

I got dry and my clothes on and waited outside for her. It was ages till she came. There were steps up to the swimming baths' door. The next one along was for the steamie. Women went in there to wash all their laundry and clothes. It was heavy stuff to lift. The women carried it in baskets and prams but some could not lift it up the steps so boys helped them up the steps. The women paid them. The boys that done it knew each other and did not fight. But if ye went near the steps and they did not know ye they swore at ye or else just stared and if ye did not move they smacked yer head.

These boys were old. They got the money off the women and played a game for it against each other. They chipped the coins against the wall, and the one that got the coin nearest lifted all the money. It was a lot of coins lying there and all shouting and laughing, no much fighting. All the boys smoked, they gived each other draws of their fags.

***

In a backcourt a building had fallen down. Men shifted away the big stones and all stuff. Along from it was big jumps and high-up dykes. Mattie and his pals went here. He did not like me coming because I would just fall off. But I would not fall off. Oh away and go with yer own pals!

But my pals did not go to the big jumps. If he was not there I still went. The big boys let me. Ye climbed up on the midgie roofs to start. Then ye reached over to a wall, and that wall was the dyke. Ye climbed on to the top of that.

The dykes were big walls made of bricks. They split the backcourts. It was them or spiky palings. Ye climbed up on the dykes so ye could walk them. There was spaces in the wall where yer feet could get grips. Bricks fell out. That made the spaces. Ye got in yer hands and feet. If ye could not manage to the top big boys helped ye. Ye got yer hands up as far as ye could then the big boy just pushed ye till ye got yer elbows on the top, pulled yerself up. Ye got yer knees on it and balanced. Ye stood up bit by bit and with yer arms out, steadying, then coming up a wee bit more and so more and more and then ye were up and if ye could stand, that was you and ye were standing, yer arms out, and ye could bring them in slow and slow till ye were just standing and could look down and if a big boy was seeing ye. Oh he is up.

That was you.

The top of the dyke was for walking or sitting. If ye were on one and wanted to help somebody up ye could not. It was not wide enough. We just walked along and saw all the big jumps and if there was good buildings to climb.

Some dykes were not good for walking. They had tiles at the top that came to a point, or were round. The round ones were okay, ye could walk along them, ye just had to walk in the middle. The pointed ones were no good. We called them pointed. Tiles sloped against bricks to make that point and all went along in a line so it was like a tightrope. Ye tried to walk it. Ye put yer feet on the sloping tiles beneath the point. Ye bent yer legs and took wee toty steps. Some could do it but no for long. It was just for a laugh ye done it. If ye slipped and fell it was between yer legs and ye had to watch it. Oh my b**ls. People shouted that.

The way to do the pointed ones was sitting down and bumping along on yer b*m. But if ye done it hard it was sore. The other way was getting yer knees on the sloping tiles then doing it. But I never done that. Boys said ye could.

The ordinary dykes were easy. I could run them. I was telling my pals at school. Then if it was the big jumps, ye could do them too if it was a straight-across jump and ye got a good run-up. But if there was no a good run-up ye had to stand still to jump and it was hard.

If ye jumped to a high dyke ye had to fling yer body and get yer elbows on the top and then up. On some dykes the bricks came out when ye stood on them or else shifted and ye had to watch because if ye fell that was you and yer feet would be up in the air so it was yer head first, and that was the worst, clunking against the dyke then smack on the ground. If ye were falling ye got yer hands down first so yer head did not crack. Ye had to try it or it was tough luck for you. Oh he cracked his head. People said that. Yer head cracked open. Oh his brains spilled out on the ground. Yer brains were just there on the ground. It was all bricks and boulders, all glass and stuff. The ground was like that if ye fell. Ye would have to twist yer body in mid air. Oh where would ye land? Ye would just try and see. But it was a worry. I was thinking about it and my teacher hit me on the head with her ruler. That was what she done, she just hit ye. Oh Kieron Smith wake up you are sound asleep.

Please miss I am not.

Oh yes and do not snore, if you were snoring, you are not to snore in the class. The teacher just said it to make everybody all laugh. So if it was funny, all everybody laughing at ye. But I was thinking about if the wall caved in and all went on top of ye so if it was a whole building ye got buried alive. People got buried alive, ye just saw their hand sticking out and ye came and rescued them but maybe if they were flattened, and their heads as well, just like a flat pancake, so that was them, they were just squashed to death and their heads just mashed. Their whole bodies, they would be mashed in and it was all just it would be horrible, And who was it oh if ye knew him. Maybe ye did and it was one of the big boys and even if it was yer brother, imagine just if it was Matt oh ye could not it was just oh no, ye could not even, ye could not.

So ye just had to watch it. Some backcourts had wee outside buildings. They had caved-in roofs and tile chimneys broke off and all smashed windows. Ye climbed up them as well. Ye could run and jump along the roofs. If ye could not do the next jump ye just dreeped down and ran along the ground and up the next one.

Dykes could be high up and ye had to watch because there were spiky palings down below and people fell onto them. One got killed when the spike went through his belly. He was older than me but younger than Mattie, but he did not play with us. If he was a RC, maybe he was. He had all cousins in America and they sent him stuff. A baseball jacket that was shiny blue with white sleeves and a big red bird on the back. He had a good haircut. Boys said that, just short and sticking up.

There were shops along some streets and the backs of the shops stretched into the backcourt. So ye were over the top of them. When ye walked a dyke it was a big big drop down. Right up the top. Ye were looking down to the street and saw all motor cars and people, so if they saw you. Oh look at that boy! Oh he is going to fall!

One high-up dyke led to the back wall of a picture-house. Big boys were pointing to it. There was a pipe going up and that was what they saw, if they could climb it. So if there was a window they could get in and watch the pictures for nothing.

Grown-ups chased us. Women hung out their washing on the clothes-lines and did not want ye near it. Sometimes ye were running and ye ran through it and if it was a wet sheet it just stopped ye and got dragged on the ground. The woman saw ye out the window. Oh you f*****g wee b****r.

They were going to chase us but we were laughing and ran away.

***

I could join the Lifeboys and it was great. All the troops had their own number. Ours was 168, if somebody said What troop are ye? ye said it, The 168.

So we were the 168. If ye saw boys at school or at the swimming ye just gived a wave or hullo and just maybe if ye shouted, Ye going on Tuesday? Everybody went so ye knew it, ye just said it and maybe even if ye went up and were talking to who it was. Some boys done a Lifeboy salute. So if people were looking, Oh we go to the same Lifies, and sometimes it was my grannie if we were at the swimming. Who is that boy son?

Oh he is in my Lifies.

It was great. And if he went to yer Sunday School. Ye had to go to it and if ye did not it was woe betide ye. There was two classes on Sunday morning and if ye were a new boy ye went to the first at half past nine and were not to be late. People were late. If ye did not want to go ye just walked slow. But the Sunday School teacher did not like it. His name was Mr Beaton. Oh it is the Sunday School ye go to and it is not the Lifeboys. That was what he said. Oh do not think about the Lifeboys, here is the Sunday School. It is not important for the Lifeboys but if it is God, that is the Sunday School.

He was angry if ye could not say the stuff. Oh for our dear Saviour, if that is what happened to Him while others walk abroad. Oh how come how come? It is just Iniquities because if it was the Gospel and ye did not know it. Oh who will save you who will save you. You will just be in Anguish. So if the Lord forsakes ye, oh it will be a sad lookout for ever and ever for the Lord sakes for ye.

If ye could speak words out the Bible. Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Say Deuteronomy, Deuteronomy, we all were to say it. Oh it is not Deuteronimo, do not say Deuteronimo. You will be in Anguish and it is complete Anguish if you rot in Hell, it is just the worst horrors.

Then if it was the Young Defenders. If we knew about them. And if it was Truth Concealed. Oh if the Devil gets ye oh you will be in Anguish and cannot go to Heaven, Oh pity you pity you, for ye will but Languish evermore. So if it is yer Fate. Mr Beaton was angry how people were so blind and would stay blind, if that was what they wanted, well so be it, if it is tough luck for them, and all Icons and Painted Images. They only were Concealers so it was Truth Concealed. So they were just Blasphemers and Craven Idols with all Painted Images and Mother Mary if she was a God, that was just Blasphemers and ye were going to Hell for evermore and yer Soul was rotting. And ye would see in there how all the faces were screaming and bawling, all crammed the gether in a big pit with the fire underneath ye, and devil creatures were shifting the wheel round and round and ye were tied down on it and were over the fire getting toasted and getting yer body all stretched in agony.

He had bent-over shoulders. If ye saw him in the street. Hullo Mr Beaton. He just looked at ye and did not want ye calling his name except only in Church. He gived ye homework, if ye could learn all the Books and say them, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, if it was the Devil and ye burned in Hell and were in Anguish with Iniquities.

Mattie had a Boys Brigade Bible and was showing me it. And it was the same name as him, Matthew. Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. I was saying about the Sunday School teacher.

Oh it is Thomas Beaton, he is a serjeant in the BB. Matt was laughing. Oh if ye see how he marches, he just does it funny.

Big boys made a fool of him because how his arms stayed straight. That was when he walked. The BB officers looked at him but he did not change it. People laughed at him. That was what Matt said. Oh but do not you do it or else tough luck.

Because maybe he would just hit ye.

We did not like him. But ye had to go to Sunday School if it was for the Lifeboys.

After it was finished ye could just go away. I went up to my grannie's and got toast and cheese for my breakfast.

The Lifeboy uniform was a navyblue hat the same as sailors, navyblue jerseys with collars and blue trousers, shorts or longs, and black sandshoes or white sandshoes. If it was raining ye went in ordinary shoes or else Wellingtons and ye carried the sandshoes under yer arm.

Only Protestants went. Catholics had another thing, it was the Boys' Club. They all went there. Michael Lang too. They had a football team. The Lifies did not have a team.

The Leaders knew me because Mattie used to be there and he was a good boy, that was what they said, Oh you are Matt's wee brother and then they smiled, they liked ye because it was him.

Mrs Milligan was the first Leader. She was great and did smart salutes. People said she was fat. She was not fat. She always had a cheery face but if ye were being cheeky she stopped ye. She had a wee child. Oh but if ye swore or used bad language. Oh woe betide ye, that was what she said. Then yer prayers for every night ye started, Oh God, Whom we cannot think and do anything right, oh kinder our hearts and lead us into truth for Thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, amen, and then a smart salute.

Fall-out!

And oh everybody running and getting set.

Ye had to be smart to go and ye had to be clean and then yer uniform and to speak good, not umnay didnay and willnay but am not did not and will not. Before ye went ye had to have a big wash in the house, face and neck, hands and knees. My maw did it because if ye wanted to be good. And when ye were on parade it was all inspected and that started the night. Mrs Milligan was just waiting for ye to get ready and she had her whistle and was going to blow it and was going to blow it. And quick quick quick because then she did it.

Fall-in! Tallers to the right, shorters to the left, single rank siiize!

And ye were to jump to it as fast as ye could, getting into line, and yer sandshoes thumping and skidding, shuffling to your bit and the boy next to ye was just a wee bit weer and the other one next to ye a wee bit bigger, right down to the weest shorter from the very biggest taller and yer arm out stretching the space from him to you.

Stand Easy!

Hands behind yer back.

Ohhhh Atten-Hunnnn!

So it was the inspection. Ye all got inspected. Mrs Milligan came down the lines with Mr Hope and ye had to hold out yer hands palms down and then palms up and then if ye had on shorts it was right knee up, left knee up, and the Leaders would see they were clean and then yer wrists and the backs of yer knees, that was what people forgot. Then yer sandshoes if they were clean, they were yer good ones and ye just kept them for the Lifies. Some did not, and if it was poor, ye knew if it was poor, if the boy's maw and da did not have money. Billy Williams. He was in our group and was scabby, I did not talk to him, but it was a shame. But because yer sandshoes, if they were dirty, if it was a point off yer team, so ye were just to try yer hardest. Some boys wore them out the house and they were not supposed to. Billy Williams had his on at school so if it was raining, ye went through puddles. He was in the class above me but people laughed at him.

So if ye had anything bad, Oh you have dirty knees, it was points against and yer group was looking at ye, Oh see him, and some boys always got points against with dirty knees or else wrists if it was their hands and necks and what, it was their own fault if they just got a right wash before they came and ye saw them and ye knew Oh they are going to fail inspection. So if they were in your group, that was you, and ye got fed up with it. Oh if it was Billy Williams. Oh it is short trousers, he should just wear longs, then they will not know if his knees are filfy But Gordon Fletcher said, Oh it does not matter because then at games Mr Hope sees when he wears his gym shorts.

People never pumped, just never never, but sometimes ye got smells. It all was points if ye done it good. Ye done it the whole night for all games and all what happened. Mr Hope counted it up. Points went for good attenders, if ye were a regular attender. If ye went all the nights. Ye would go all the nights. We all went. So ye got a prize at the very end. If it was Perfect Attendance that meant the Sunday School as well, and ye got a Bible book except just with the Psalms.

The two Sunday School teachers came to the Prize Night. Ours was Mr Beaton and we were seeing how he walked. I wished he would do it good. They had on their BB uniforms and leather gloves. They marched up to Mrs Milligan and gived her the smartest salutes. But she gived a smartest one to them and we thought she was the best at it. I got my Bible book. It was a wee one but it was good and I liked it, how all its pages were just all new and just crispy, and ye smelled it, it just smelled good and how the pages all fell blue and white and it was all just yours with your name.

Everybody split into groups and ye had leaders in each one. The top boys got a special white cover on their hats and white lanyards and white sandshoes. Mattie had them when he was there. They kept them white with clay. He used to do it and I watched him. Our top boy was Gordon Fletcher. He was good at all the things. Just everything, and he had all stuff sewn on his jersey, it was badges. Ye got them when ye done good stuff and yer maw sewed them on. Gordon Fletcher was just the very best. The races started and I was running and he said, Oh fast as ye can Smiddy.

That was me, Smiddy. It was my turn to go out in the race and I was sitting waiting ready and oh just waiting and just ready. And he said it to me, Fast as ye can Smiddy.

So that was me, Smiddy.

Oh if your name is Smith, you are Smiddy. That was Gordon Fletcher, he said it to me. You are Smiddy.

I said it to my granda, if I was Smiddy. Oh aye son if yer name is Smith then ye are Smiddy.

I said it to Matt but he just looked and did not say anything back.

So that was me now Smiddy. Smiddy Smiddy. I was glad. People did not like Kieron, that was how they acted. I liked it. So Smiddy. Other boys said it. The same in school. Oh Smiddy! Oh there is Smiddy.

And it was me. It was just me, Smiddy. I wanted people to call me it, lasses as well, they just looked, Oh Smiddy. I liked lasses saying it.

The Lifies was the best of all and Gordon Fletcher and if ye won yer race he gived ye a wink. So you were the best wee boy, that was Gordon saying it, if he just winked, so if ye done a good race or what if it was good points for the team. He said that, team. It was just a team like football, ye were all just playing and ye all were men, Oh is that man in your team? Whose man is he? Is he your man?

And they were just talking about you or another boy. Who is next man? Oh it is me. It was you, you were next man. Ye called them man.

They were relay-races and ye had wee bags to pass to the next man and they were beanbags. They changed the team about. If fast boys were in one then they switched them so ye got close races. If ye had a slow runner second in yer group then ye would have a fast runner for yer third one. If yer first man was a medium runner maybe two of the weer ones would be fast. It got evened up. Ye saw the way one group might have a long lead after three rounds. Then other ones were catching up. So it was the last round and the weest boys in the whole troop sitting and waiting and all just ready. And everybody cheering and yer own group would be shouting yer name, whatever it was, Smiddy Smiddy Smiddy. And even if yer last man was not a good runner ye would still be cheering because sometimes boys ran faster and ye did not think they would and they just beat the good ones and it was great.

Some ran faster and other ones slower. Boys had too skinny legs or else if they had a bad leg or maybe there was something wrong with them so they could not run right. Or if they were too lanky, just lanky skinny malinkies. Or else too wee. Wee boys could be good racers and so could skinny malinkies but no fat ones, fatsos if ye called them that. A man in my street was a fatso. My da said that. Oh there is fatso, if we saw him out the window.

The best racer usually was just if ye were medium. But then for the other competitions ye might get fatsos or skinny malinkies being the winners if they were good at other stuff. Ye did not get football because there were too many boys but ye could get games with balls and I liked them, if it was keepie-uppy or else if ye had to dribble yer ball down to a marker and then dribble it back. Some boys could not do it and their balls would go flying everywhere and maybe your team was the winner and other ones still had men out running. When yer team finished ye all sat on the floor with yer legs crossed and yer hands on yer knees or else arms folded and yer back straight. That was how ye were to sit, and if Mr Hope took Mrs Milligan down to see ye ye all were sitting straight.

At the end of the night Mrs Milligan said, Oh Mr Hope, please read out the points!

So then Mr Hope would read out the points and have them all added up. So who has won this week's competition?

And oh if it was Gordon Fletcher's team well that was us. And all people would cheer ye. Ours won it a lot of times. So then it was eyes closed for the prayer to our gracious Queen. Oh we beseech ye oh God and we pray to ye for thy servant Elizabeth our Queen, her husband and their children. Oh grant ye we will stand steadfast on the side of right for them and spread goodness and happiness where'er we go, for the Lord's sake we ask it and it is in the power and the glory, amen.

Dismissed! We all saluted Mrs Milligan and Mr Hope and they saluted us back.

So that was us. We just had to go home.

But if ye helped to tidy up. If ye could. I tried to, I liked it. It was benches and mats lying on the floor, and then if it was the storeroom and it was all jumbled, beanbags and all balls lying and ye were just to put things in their place. The top boys all done it. Gordon Fletcher. And after ye finished ye just said cheerio to everybody and Mr Hope would lock up. He had the keys to the Church hall and all Church places. If ye went in there where the Services were it would just be the Church and all the lights out, all just dark.

Me and Terry ran to catch up another boy. Usually we done that. Terry stayed three closes down from my grannie. We came round that way from the Church and there was a chip shop on the corner.

If I was by myself and it was dark nights I went round the streets to go home. If Terry was there or else it was light nights ye could cut through the close across the backcourts and over the dyke.

But it was different in the dark. Lights only were coming from the back windows up the tenements and ye could not see where ye were going. Ye had to watch no to step in mud or a puddle or else in jobby, dogs were aye doing jobbies, or else ye watched for broken glass. That happened a lot. If ye fell ye sliced yer knee. Or nails in yer sandshoes, if it was rusty. One went in Terry's and a woman pulled it out but his maw took him to the hospital. He went off school because of it.

Then if ye ran in the dark and if ye met a dog, oh ye would frighten it and it would bark and run away or if it growled and would go for ye so ye had to stay dead still, just wait. Sssh boy, sssh, sssh, sssh, just whispering and the dog would just be looking, Oh sssh, sssh, and then maybe if it just went away, well so could you.

Men frightened ye as well. If they did not mean it, usually they did not. But if it was a bad man.

People said it to the wee ones and laughed but it made ye jump. Oh it is a bad man going to get ye. Or a bogie man was like a ghost. There is a ghost. Oh mammy, there is a bogie man. Or if it was a phantom strangler. My brother said it. Oh a phantom strangler is going to get you. But I just laughed back, he was just saying it.

A boy always got money for chips. Me and Terry went with him. He shared his chips with us. But if he gived one to me and no to Terry or if it was two chips and he gave them to Terry and no to me. That was what he done.

Oh there is a big chip. Oh take it Terry, here is a wee one for Smiddy.

So ye got sick of it. So he held a chip out so ye were to take it and then he would bring it back quick and just eat it and laugh at ye. I would have belted him. I thought I would, but I did not, and ye always thought Oh here is the chip now and sometimes it was, he just gave ye it. Oh I am just kidding. That was what he said.

We ate the chips at the corner. I walked home after and ye were sad, just how the Lifies would not come again and it was away next week. Up in the house ye had toast for supper. Sometimes my maw made it, usually it was me. I liked making it.

***

I did not know we were moving to a new house and then we were so that was us. It was away away and ye needed the subway and then the bus or else ye could get a train and then too if ye wanted the ferry, the ferry took ye instead of the subway and it did not cost ye nothing.

My da came home from the Navy for good, he was getting a job on dry land. He was tired out and it was his holiday but my maw did not have the holiday and was getting all ready to go to a new house. That was where we were going. Uncle Billy was back from England and was helping with the flitting. I was to keep out the way and was at my grannie's. Her and granda did not like us going away. She was saying it to him. How could they travel all those miles to see us? They could not. And what about the boys? That was me and Matt. Running up and down the stair every ten minutes? Once we flitted that would be us and we would not come back.

If we were too faraway, they would never see us because we would never come to visit if it was a train to take. We would never come and see them, that was what my grannie was saying, how it was my da's fault. If it was not for him and just how he wanted the new house, it was him to blame if he did not wait and see if there was something better. Why did he not just wait?

My grannie was shaking her head and granda was just looking. Oh but it could not be my maw's fault. She would not want to be miles away, it was too far. It was my da's fault. He knew it would be hard for her and granda. Granda could hardly get up and down the stairs, that was his breath, so he did not go places, just stayed in the house, so they never went places, just seeing the walls of the house and my grannie got sick of it, oh she did, that was what she was saying. Oh we just never go anyplace, and she was sad saying it.

It is not my fault Vera.

It is like a prison. Except for the messages I would never go out.

Aye but it is not my fault.

It is not mine.

No, no. Granda lifted his newspaper and was reading it and my grannie turned on the tap at the sink and was seeing out the window, her back to us, ye could not see her face. My granda was looking at her. She would not say anything. My grannie done that and just did not say anything and ye were wishing she would.

And you would do it for her, whatever it was, ye would just do it, if it was her messages, Oh grannie I will go yer messages. Can I go yer messages?

My grannie turned to see me.

I always went the messages for my grannie and would always go them, so if it was a train to take, I would still go them. I liked going them, only if it was a heavy pile of potatos and all vegetables, carrots and turnips, it was just a heavy bag and it was two hands going up the stair. The shops were round the corner along the road and I knew the ones to go to, if they gived ye good food, some of them did not. My grannie said the ones that were not good, Oh do not go there he is a cheat if his potatos are old and how his carrots are just soft.

Grannie I can go yer messages.

I forgot the wee boy was there, she said.

He is in his hideout, said granda, he is playing possum. Sure ye are son?

Well I am no a wee boy.

Ye have got big ears.

Oh but I can go grannie's messages, even if it is the new place, I can just come back.

See what I am saying? said granda. The boy is never away from here. He is not going to stop now. His big brother too.

But we will never get to visit them.

Aye we will.

Oh Larry.

We will.

My grannie was looking at me and was sad. Ye will need to go home soon. Then to granda, I forgot he was there.

It is his memory, said granda. Everything ye say, he is taking notes, that is weans for ye.

Granda said weans but my maw did not like it. Oh it is children, they are not weans they are children. And if it was words the same, oh she did not like it, aye and cannay dae. Aye but I cannay dae that. My granda said that. Aye but I cannay dae. It is not aye and cannay dae it is yes and cannot do.

Take an apple son. My grannie touched me on the shoulder. I got the apple and squashed back in at the side of the grate.

My seat was here, it was a stool. A big cupboard was at the side and my head went against it. I liked it here how ye could just see everything and were out the way. If ye were reading, ye could just read. Sometimes I was sleeping, if I woke up, it was time to go home, my grannie just there, she done things at the sink and the table or else the cupboard if she was making soup and had all the onions and carrots and stuff and all just was chopping it up.

My granda sat on his chair no faraway. He read the paper or else with the wireless on. He did not like television. If he just read and the wireless was not on ye could hear his breaths. My grannie did not care about the wireless. If he went ben the front room she just turned it off. Oh a wee bit peace son.

My grannie's house was better than ours. I just liked it, except if my big brother was there, so if he was, I just came home or maybe out to play. Usually I went to my grannie's every day. My maw telled me not to. Oh it is too much. But I just did. I telled her I was going for new books to the library. I ran fast to the library and got the books then went fast to my grannie. She liked to see the books and if I was talking about them. So did granda. What is the story son?

So I told them if it was adventures and just saying all what it was, if it was in a woods and children were straying oh and what happened if it was a bear going to get them or else a wicked man who had an axe and how he had funny shoes if they went up at the front where his toes were, and his trousers too. His legs were just skinny and funny knees sticking out. Oh I am going to get you, oh and ye were hiding if it was the boy and girl and behind a bush.

My grannie was laughing. So was granda. But my grannie's laugh was funny, Ohhh ohhh and her hand covering her mouth. Granda pointed at her and she still laughed, Ohhh ohhh.

***

Uncle Billy came home for the weekend to help with the flitting. His old pal was there too. His name was Chick. He got a van from his work. He could drive it and was doing all the lifting for our furniture, him and Uncle Billy and my da. My da did not have pals here, he had them in all other places and through in Fife, that was where they stayed.

Matt could help but I was not to, I was too wee and would get in the road so just stay in yer grannie's. But I would have been a help. I would have carried wee stuff. My da said I was to go and hurry up because it was going to rain soon. I had to stay in my grannie's till my maw came and got me.

My maw gived me a piece on cheese but I did not feel like it and flung it in the midden when I was going over the back. I went slow up the stairs and sat down on the steps for a wee while. I was fed up with stuff and did not like how it all happened, and just because ye were wee. If I could have helped, I would have carried stuff too. There was a lot of things. It was not fair how my da done stuff. My maw too. How come it was always Matt? Everything was for him. That was what I saw how he got everything. That was if ye were the oldest. The young ones did not get anything. If Matt only was to do things. How was that fair? It was not.

I went up the stair and chapped the door. I gived my own signal. My Auntie May let me in but then she went away over to help my maw. That was her sister. My granda was ben the parlour. The wee cat was in with him. I looked to see and it was on his shoulders. That was where it went. My granda was reading the paper and it just jumped up the chair and lied round them. I was saying how Uncle Billy's old pal was there for the flitting and Matt was helping but I was not to. Granda was tired. Oh would ye just go ben the kitchen son, see what yer grannie is doing.

My grannie was at the sink. She done that and did not talk much, just looked out the window. Ye could see the sky over the building across the back. It was our building. If ye looked hard ye could see our kitchen window.

My grannie was washing clothes, it was my granda's socks. I did not have any books and was watching her.

The big cat was there and I played with it. I could drag wool over the floor and under the bed and it chased it. I dragged it fast but ye were to let it catch the wool sometimes. It was training for the mouse. One time it just stayed under the bed and did not come back out. It was lying down and having a sleep.

My maw came a lot later and I woke up, I was lying on the bed in the recess. My grannie was going fast now and looking at us. Oh I will make a pot of tea, I will make a pot of tea. Oh no mum there is no time, the men are ready to go.

Oh but a pot of tea.

Oh but the men are ready.

Yes but you can stay a minute.

Oh no mum I have to go. May is down there too.

My grannie was just looking. Now my maw was greeting and she went and gived my grannie a cuddle. My grannie was her mother. When we were going down the lobby my grannie did not come. I was going to give her a cuddle but she did not want to. My granda came out the parlour, he went to my maw. Oh come here hen!

Him and my maw had a big cuddle. He smoothed my hair and gived me money. Now that is for you. And come back and see us.

So that was us and we went away. We were to go on the subway and the train. Only us. Matt was to go in the van with the men. My maw took me round to see them driving away. It was all packed inside. My da was waiting with Uncle Billy and Chick, they were smoking. Matt was up the street with his pals and saying cheerio. When he saw me and my maw he came running down. Him and Uncle Billy sat in the back on top of a carpet and squeezed in beside stuff. I was not thinking anything. They were laughing and Uncle Billy was making jokes. Chick slammed the door shut. Ye still could hear them. Oh where is the candles? Where is the candles! Uncle Billy was shouting.

My da went in the front of the van with Chick that was driving.

Matt's pals were there and waving when it went away. They said cheerio to me too.

Me and my maw were just going to the subway station. It was a long walk. A bus went but our family did not catch it. There was not the money.

It was a different walk from the ferry I liked it okay because there was shops ye could look at. One was a bike-shop with just all bikes and different bits, wheels and frames and saddle bags and all different. People always looked in the window. And a good toy-shop was there too, away along from a close with high dykes and big jumps. Matt and his pals used to go here and I came with them. I went with my own pals now, but not much. The toy-shop had all model yachts and model soldiers in the window, and the best trainsets. A boy in my class got one of the trainsets for his birthday. He could go to this toy-shop and get wee bits to go with it, a new carriage or else other things. He was a only-child and got pocket-money, so he saved it up. That was how he got it, his family was well-off. My maw telled me.

The rain was starting and she was wanting me to hurry but I still was looking in it. There was farm-animals in the window That boy in my class bought farm-animals. Pigs, cows and sheep and wee ducks, that was what he bought and it was just for weans and wee lasses. I said it to my maw.

Oh it is not weans it is children. Oh Kieron, it is children and girls, do not say weans and lasses.

My maw was sad if I did not speak right. I would have to start now I was going to the new school. It was all different there and just all nice and very faraway from the old place. Oh if I would just stick in at my lessons and stop all the nonsense. My head was full of nonsense, the teacher said, if only I buckled down. Oh Kieron you will buckle down, will you?

Yes mum.

She did not like me saying aye, and if I said maw, maw was awful and just horrible, she hated it. If I said it to her, Aye maw. Oh she would have hated it. I could never have said it. Aye maw. I said it into my head, Aye maw.

But if it was my pals and I spoke to them, I would just say it then if it was my mother, Oh it is my maw. And they would say it to me. That was how they spoke, and their maws and das too, some of them, that was how they spoke. I said it to my maw.

Oh yes Kieron but they are keelies. My maw said, Do you want to be a keelie all your life? That is what they are, just keelies. They will be stuck here till they are dead. They will never go anywhere and never amount to anything. You are not a keelie. Not in my house. And if you buckle down. Oh Kieron will you buckle down? Promise you will buckle down.

Matt could go to his Secondary School now and it was the very best kind of one so he had the very best chance in life. He was lucky. How did he get in? It was my maw done it. So when it was me she would get me in it too. I could go to it after. She said it to my teacher.

My teacher said, Oh Kieron has got it in him except his head is full of nonsense. If he would just stop being so silly.

I liked that teacher but she said stuff about me. I did not care. But if I did go to the good school. Well I wanted to go, if my big brother was there. So if people were picking on ye, a big brother stuck up for ye. Matt could stick up for me. I did not have a new school to go to. I would get it after the holidays.

Me and my maw were walking up from the railway station. She knew how to get to the new house.

The rain was on but not too bad. But it was a long long walk up and ye were getting soaked. Away over a big long hill and our house was way down the street, ye had to go away way down it. It was all quiet. Me and my maw were walking and ye heard our shoes. Ye could not see lights in many houses and could see in some windows. My maw said, Oh do not look, but she done it too.

All the furniture was shifted in, the van locked up and nobody there. Then a noise up above and a big voice shouted on us. It was my da looking out the window. Uncle Billy was waving down to us. Hoy yous two!

My maw was smiling but saying yous, she would not like it. You not yous, you not ye. Head, not heid. Dead not deid, instead not insteid. And not isnay and wasnay and doesnay. When I said doesnay my da said, Walt Doesnay, you do not.

My maw was laughing.

It was the very top stairs. That was smashing. I liked so ye could see out and just be over the top of everybody.

My da was there and he gived my maw a kiss then she went in the bathroom.

A cupboard was there for coats and jackets with all pegs and hooks. I was to put my coat on a peg.

Then the new bedroom for me and Matt. But only the same old bed. We were getting our new beds soon. Ye would get one to yerself and just kick out yer feet if ye wanted. He was lying on top reading a book. He was on the side near the window and his stuff all spread out. My side was the door and my stuff was there. Who put it there? That side of the bed was not my side in the old house. If it was my old side I would have been at the window So who done it like that? It was him.

I was going past to see in the cupboard then the first drawer but he shouted at me. Oh that is mine. You take that other one. Oh ye see that chair, it is mine, is not yours. You get yer own chair.

You are not the boss.

Shut it.

I ran to see out the window. Oh ye better not walk there too much, it is my side of the room. That is yours at the door.

Away ye go, I said and just went out the room. He wanted me to. I went down the lobby to see the bathroom. The door was open. I went in and saw the bath. I turned on the water and pchohhh, it gushed out and splashed back on me. Then a wash-hand basin. It was beside the lawy bowl. I done the lawy and washed my hands. There was no towel but and I just had to use toilet paper.

My da was with Uncle Billy and his old pal Chick. They were sitting at the window drinking beer and sherry wine. Uncle Billy was laughing, Oh the old sherry wine is a good friend of mine.

I went to see other house bits. My maw and da's room was there. I pushed the door and went in. My maw was standing near the bed and all clothes were there on top and she was hiding her neck and chest. Oh Kieron, she said, Kieron. Oh do not do that Kieron you must knock the door. Knock the door before you enter. You cannot just come in.

Sorry mum.

You must knock if it is a bedroom and someone is there.

Sorry mum.

I went in to see the living room again. There was no many seats. I was just sitting on a cushion on the floor. Chick was saying about something then was a bad swear word. Uncle Billy laughed but my da saw me. What are you doing here?

I am just sitting.

Well sit somewhere else.

Uncle Billy said, Oh Kierie boy! Do ye like yer new house. Oh Kierie boy!

I went into the kitchenette and was looking here and then the door to go out and that was the balcony.

The door out was locked. The key was in the lock. I opened it but oh the rain was coming hard. But I just looked out. It was smashing, it was just smashing. I was going to get my coat to go out but my maw came in. She opened her message bags and got out the bread and cheese for sandwiches.

I helped with it. She was happy and saying how it was a great house.

Then was a loud tune from out in the street. I went ben the living room to see. It was a ice-cream van. Everybody looked out the window. There it was and people were queuing to buy their stuff. Oh we will make it a feast, said Uncle Billy. It is me and I am paying, do not worry.

Oh but, said my da.

No. It is me. Uncle Billy was laughing and he held up his glass. It is for the new house.

Chick was laughing as well. My maw was there and writing it down on paper. It was all sweeties and two bottles of ginger, six packets of potato crisps and two ten packets of cigarettes. Then she was laughing too. Oh Billy what about my sandwiches?

Oh we will eat them and all.

We are starving, said Chick.

I did not see her laughing much but now she was. Matt too was there and he was laughing too. What for? I did not know what for. If it was the ice-cream van and we were all getting stuff. I do not know. My da was looking over at my maw.

Uncle Billy went into his pocket and piled money into my hands. Oh Kierie boy.

My da said, You go as well Matt. He cannot manage it all on his own.

I can, I said.

Oh you will make a mistake. Matt, you go as well.

Put on yer coat, said my maw.

Heh son give yer brother the money, said my da.

Oh I can take it, I said.

Give him the money.

Now Uncle Billy got more money. Chocolates as well Matt, that is for your mother. Oh you are my darling big sister and I lo ye dearly.

Uncle Billy winked to all us. His old pal Chick was laughing and looking at my maw. I did not see him where we used to stay. He came from a street near the library and used to work beside Uncle Billy. Not now he was in England. Uncle Billy was staying in his house for the night. If he got drunk sometimes, my grannie and granda did not like it. Uncle Billy was saying it and making people laugh.

No my maw but, she just shaked her head.

Uncle Billy was good and ye got stuff off him. Ye just watched it when him and my da were drinking. One time he pushed me. But he did not mean it. I was walking past the couch and he leaned and it was a push on the shoulder for a joke. I was just wee and I fell on the floor. Oh sorry son sorry son. I did not mean to do it.

That was near the fire, said my maw.

Oh sorry.

Ye do not know your own strength.

My da was laughing. Oh he was just playing.

But that was a drink in him. My grannie said it, Oh if Billy gets a drink in him.

If he had money he gived ye it. In the old place he took me and Matt to the pictures. He just used to come up for us and said it, Coats on boys, and that was us away. Then two times to see the Rangers. That was great. I loved it. So did Matt.

My da did not take us many places. He needed a good job first. And if he could not get one. Well, he would have to. He did not want to go back to sea. Except if he had to that was that. Uncle Billy was saying to him about how it was jobs in England, if ye were getting big money and just all overtime, yer digs money, and ye saved it all up and that was you. He came home a lot of times. Ye got a bus down there and it took ye all the way back. Ye just got big money then came home and bought stuff. Ye just worked for it and ye got it, because the jobs were down there. My da was looking over at my maw. Then he was looking at me and Matt and we went down to the ice-cream van.

***

Our family and another one was first up our close. Ye had all the smells. Stones and concrete and everything that was going, all new, we had it, it was smashing, and ye were wondering who was going to be yer neighbours. I was wanting to go out and see stuff, just how everything was all new and all people that were new. But there was nobody to play with. Matt did not know boys either. When he went out I went with him and saw stuff all roundabout. But if he stayed in the room, usually he did, he was doing lessons all the time and just swotting. It was my room too but he did not want me in it. Oh it spoils my concentration.

My maw said it too. Oh Kieron it is his concentration, if you can just be quiet, he is doing his homework. Oh it is a ink-exercise, your brother is doing a ink-exercise.

I was not to go into his side of the room. Oh it is a house rule, it is a house rule.

Who said?

Me.

Who is me?

Him. He made the rule, and it was for the complete house. Then came the new beds. But the way they fixed things all was wrong and just not fair. It was the exact same sides. He got the window and I got the door. So if my side of the room had the door he always went in it when he came in. Then he went out, so that was him in my side again. But I was not to set foot in his. Oh keep to yer own side, do not set foot in mine.

But if his side had the window? So how come? I was not to look out the window. What if it was mine? If he had the door and I had the window. He would have wanted to look out. But if it was me coming in the door and it was his side, how did I come in. If I was going to my bed. Oh you cannot come in my side. Oh if ye get a ladder to climb up.

Because he would not have let me through. That was my house. How bad it was. Going to yer bed at night, ye would have to go outside and climb up a ladder.