Kieron Smith, Boy

***

My maw and Auntie May done all pieces and sausage rolls and cakes baked out tins the same as Christmas and New Year. But we carried all the stuff down to Mrs Duncan's house, that was where the people came. My grannie did not speak much to people but she did with Mrs Duncan. She stayed the first storey up the same close but her house was bigger and neat and tidy. Her husband was dead and her children were all up in years and away living in places.

My grannie's house was not neat and tidy and all cat smells. She said that. And because it was the top flat where she lived, ye did not get good water for washing, it was just a wee dribble because of low pressure. My maw said, If we did not go to the swimming baths we would have been filthy all our days.

Catholics were at my granda's funeral. My Auntie May said it quiet, Oh there is Mr and Mrs Osborne, that is nice of them, they are Catholics, that is just really nice.

I saw them. They did not come to Mrs Duncan's house after, only the funeral parlour. It was a wee kind of Church place and did not look good. I looked at Mr and Mrs Osborne when the Minister was talking and then we all were singing the Hymn. Other ones that were there were Catholics. They were granda's old pals from work. Uncle Billy telled me. He spoke to people outside the door. So did my maw and my Auntie May Everybody all was shaking hands, and giving cuddles if it was a woman.

All people came back to Mrs Duncan's house. I liked it except there was no many young ones but I liked seeing the grown-ups, they were relations. My da telled me to get dirty dishes and take them to a woman at the sink. I did not know the woman but she was washing plates and stuff and drying them. She said to me, Oh son does Mrs Duncan keep ashtrays in the house?

I did not know. I was to get in all what was lying. People were not eating their pieces. They ate bits and left it lying but they still gave ye the plate. I said it to them, Oh you have not finished yet.

I am finished son, just take it. Oh but do not take my glass, do not take my glass. And they were laughing if I took their whisky and they were not finished. But I knew not to do it from my da. Oh do not take my tumbler son do not take my tumbler, I will give it to you.

But people smoked and put their fags out on the saucers and plates and even into the pieces so the fag was sticking out from the cheese and pork luncheon meat. I saw Uncle Billy doing that and nobody could have ett the piece and finished it, so it was just a total waste, and there was good ham too, a woman said that, Oh there is a nice ham sandwich.

But other ones were doing it, and ye saw a piece and it was fag ash all over and just one bite out it. My da was talking to my granda's old pals. Two women were sitting at the window and I brought them sausage rolls. One looked at me, and just looked. Then she said, Oh but he is not a McGuigan. Who are you son?

It is my granda.

Oh are you Lawrence McGuigan's grandson?

Yes.

Oh you are a McGuigan. Oh he is a McGuigan.

They gave me big smiles. So I was their side of the family. My grannie's side was MacDonalds from Ayr. Only two came, a man and woman. They did not talk much to people except my grannie and my maw. My Auntie May sat near them. Our relations from Dunfermline and Fife did not come. Matt said, Oh but Kieron they are da's relations.

Well but if it is granda's funeral. We would go to theirs.

Yes we would go but no grannie and Auntie May, no Uncle Billy. They would not come. They are not their relations, just ours, they are not dad's. They do not even know them.

Yes but if it was our family and they did not come. I did not think that was good, if they were my da's family and my granda was my maw's da then it was just they were all family and here was me and Matt and we were both families so it was the same one. I thought to say it to my da as well but I did not. My da was taking drinks round to men. Some had red faces or white ones, white shirts and black ties. I saw them from the funeral parlour. Uncle Billy and my grannie talked to them but no my maw.

Matt was eating a lot. The food was on the tables and he stood there beside it. I saw him looking at people. We did not go with each other when people were there. If they were talking to him he did not like me hearing. I did not care. He could listen if it was me. He kept away from me. I kept away from him. Then if grown-ups gave ye money, if it was one person, maybe it was better that it was not two. Matt was helping with glasses and tumblers. People were drinking whisky and sherry and wee ports. Oh I will have a wee port, just a wee port. They were saying it to my da.

Oh but if you want a whisky? he said.

Oh no a wee port, just a wee port.

The port was in a big glass and the whisky just in a wee one. My da said that to a man. Oh the port is bigger. My da laughed. It was just a joke. But the man did not laugh back. I saw it. He talked to another man and looked at my da. It was not nice him doing it. I did not know him, if he knew my grannie and my Uncle Billy. It was just for a laugh, my da said it to him, so it was not nice, and it was a hard look.

Women were drinking cups of tea and ports and sherries. Oh just a wee sherry My da was smiling to them. I was to give them pieces off the plate, just hold the plate to them, do ye want a piece?

My maw was near and she saw me. It is not a piece it is a sandwich, would you like a sandwich. Oh Kieron do not pick up the sandwich and give them it. Give them the plate.

But I was not going to lift the piece up to give them or if it was a sandwich, I was not. I knew what to do and just hold the plate for them. I knew to do it. But then my da said as well, Oh you should know better than that.

But dad I was giving the plate.

Ye never touch somebody else's food son.

But dad.

It is the height of bad manners.

People were looking and smiling at me. But I was not going to touch their sandwiches or what. But my da thought I was, because my maw thought it. It was just stupid, as if I was a wee boy or else how come they said it? Because all other people were there, so they were looking and smiling. My maw hated people looking, if they were looking at you. What were they looking at ye for? Maybe ye done something wrong so they were laughing at ye. My maw thought they did that. If they did, well maybe, but maybe they did not.

Ye just were fed up with it. I wished I was away, I just wanted to go away and if granda was there looking down, he might be, and he would be seeing it. He would be looking down and seeing it all just stupid. I thought it, Oh granda, because it was, because if he was there he would know it, I would never have done that stupid stuff. If he was looking down he would see me.

***

Billy MacGregor lenned me a comic and it was the Undead. One of them came to get ye in the middle of the night and ye had to get a Cross. If ye had a Cross ye would just burn him. But we did not have Crosses, that was RCs. Ye had to be a RC else Dracula would get ye because ye could not fight back if ye were not one. Ye did not know who the Dracula was, ye just looked for a mirror and held it. That was how ye knew if ye met one, ye looked to see their reflection and if ye could not then tough luck, that was him or if it was a woman, a lot of times it was and she came to get ye and ye did not know except her eyes were red like blood and all black inside and she is just looking at ye and then her fangs hanging out. Imagine ye were winching her and then she opens her mouth and out comes the big fangs? Gary McNab said that.

I used to think I was a RC but no a complete one. I could not see myself in a Chapel. Ye would have had to be a complete RC to see yerself. If ye were not ye could never be in a Chapel, no to be doing all the things.

I could not see myself inside it. I tried to and I could not. I could not see my body. So I could not see myself. If I could see my body then I could see myself.

If ye were a complete Catholic ye would see yerself in a Chapel. So if I was one I would have been able to see myself but I could not, so I was not a complete Catholic.

So if ye were in Chapel ye could not see yerself, maybe if ye were a Dracula it was the same. People could not see ye. Ye could not see yerself. Ye just were not there. Where were ye? I do not know. Ye look in the mirror and do not see yerself So if ye are creeping up behind somebody, they never see ye. But neither do you. You do not see yerself.

But what stops ye? If it is something. Oh you must not do that if you are not a Catholic. You cannot go in there. Only Catholics can go in there.

You cannot see yourself in a Chapel because you cannot be in a Chapel. If I could not see myself. Because if I was not there, I was not there and could not be there, I was a half Protestant and a half Catholic, but trying to do something that was complete Catholic. I was a Protestant on the outside and a RC on the inside. I could not see myself in a Chapel because that was the outside. The outside was Protestant. So I could do all the outside stuff, whatever it was, going to the Lifeboys and the Sunday School then the BB. But what was the inside stuff? That was yer prayers.

I prayed to God to forgive me.

If He thought I was kidding on. I knew He would hate that. But I was not kidding on. He would have to forgive me, if it was not my fault but my maw's and da's for doing it. What did they do it for? Because they did not like Catholics. But if I was one, did they not like me, if I was their son. But I was an adopted child so did not get treated good. That was it in stories, ye were stolen away to another land and chained up so ye could not escape. People took yer rightful fortune, they thought ye were a poor orphan but ye were the young Prince.

I tried to see myself in a real Church too, if it was really me. But I could not. That was funny because I was there with my maw and da. But if I could not see myself in a real Church. I thought it was just a Chapel. But if it was a Church too. So I could not see myself in any of them.

I was just no to be in them. How come? Maybe if I was just half and half. So that was how I was not to be in them.

What was me? What I was? If I was something. What if I looked like something? What did I look like? If it was me, what did ye see? I could not get the things that made it me, just my nose and my haircut or else what. If I was walking down to the shops or going to school. If I could see me walking. My arms and legs and my shoes. I shut my eyes tight to get the picture. But it was too tight maybe, I could not get it. Only just faces in photographs. My old faces from when I was wee. My face as a baby in the pram. I had a big face. My grannie said it. Oh you had a big face son, you were born at the right time. Boys born at the right time aye have big faces.

But ye cannot see faces if they are your own, only if it is from when ye were wee. I looked in the mirror to see mine and I just saw everything there and just everything and it was just the strangest thing and my face could be a Doctor Jekyll and yer eyes oh whose eyes are they, evilly glinting, eyes are evilly glinting, evilly and yer face altogether, whose face is it? Hohhh hahh hahh haahhh. Laughing evil. Uncle Billy always done it for a joke. Me and Matt were in bed and the door would open a wee bit a wee bit a wee bit and creaking creaking, eeeeeehhhhhh eeeeeehhhhhh oh mammy mammy what was that and then Ohhh hahh hahh haahhh.

Oh mammy a ghost a ghost.

Ohhh hahh hahh haahhh.

Oh it is Uncle Billy. Matt knew all the time. He said so. Sometimes he telled lies.

But Uncle Billy was good. We all wished he would come back to stay but Auntie May said he was not. Grannie would have liked it if he did. I went to her after school. That was the best time. She liked to see me. She was there when I chapped the door. Oh come in son, she always liked it. When I was going home later I walked to the subway myself. I telled her no to worry. If granda was there, he would save me. If anybody was hitting me he would be there, just if it was his spirit, it would reach out, I beseech you come hither, in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. There was the Holy Ghost. Because granda would just be a ghost if he was a spirit. Spirits are ghosts, just hovering. He would watch out for me, so if it was bad trouble there he was. And he would just help me, Oh I beseech you, our Father, we are gathered today as the sun does riseth.

My granda was the best. He was. I thought about him and was not greeting. I was not greeting. But the water was coming out my eyes. I must have been greeting. If it was real greeting. I was not sad, if ye are greeting ye are sad, I was not sad. Granda was dead. But I was not too sad. I was just watching to see, and talking about him.

But the times I went to my grannie's meant ye did not go out much with yer pals because ye were late home. Sometimes I did. But usually everybody was away with people, whatever it was, if they were doing something, they were away doing it and if ye saw them ye were lucky. Ye went looking and found them in a close or else down at the shops but if they were in somebody's house ye did not see them. Peter Wylie and Billy MacGregor saw lasses but if ye were not in with them ye could not go up.

***

There was never space to do stuff, if it was yer private business, ye could not do it, ye never got space. I did not anyway. He had all his stuff, I was not to go near it. Oh I do not want ye poking yer nose in. That was Matt. Oh it is my private stuff.

But I was not poking my nose in and I did not care about his private stuff. What private stuff? If he had something I did not care. Else about his girlfriend, if she really was one. So what? I did not care, if she was a real girlfriend or what. Maybe he was just talking to her. People just talked to lasses and then said it, Oh I am winching her, she is my girlfriend.

And they were not, not real ones. Maybe my brother done that. Peter Wylie done it with Rona Craig. People said he was winching her but I did not think he was. He just talked to her. He went round to her close to see her brother because he liked bikes and was wanting to go runs with him. But then Rona was there and he talked to her. So what? Talking to her was nothing. I talked to her as well.

But I saw Matt one time I was going to my grannie's. I went on the subway instead of the ferry. It was raining and strong strong winds. The subway was near the railway station for Matt's school and there was a cafe on the road. I saw him with the lassie. They were sitting on chairs drinking ginger. I looked in and saw him but he did not see me. But he did see me, he telled me in the house when I went home. Oh what were you looking at?

I was not looking at him anyway. I was just going down to the subway station, I did not care about him and his girlfriend if it even was a girlfriend. I did not care. I was not spying on him. Oh you wee spy. That was what he said.

Oh he will not be there forever, said my maw. He will be going to college and getting a flat with his friends.

Then I would get the room to myself. That was what she said. I could just do whatever, put out my private stuff and just all the things, once he was away, I could just do it all. And my bed under the window. That is where I would put it, the same as him. It would have been great. When he was not there I sat on his bed and looked out. I loved it. How come we could not switch beds? Just one time if we could. Oh I do not want you in my bed.

I would wait and see because I knew already. He went away camping with his pals, so the next time he did I was going to his bed. I just had to watch it with my maw in case she saw but she would not if I done it right. Then if he caught me. I did not care. So if he battered me. He would not.

So if he saw me passing the cafe, how come he did not come out and get me? If I was his young brother. How come he did not come out. Oh Kieron Kieron! because if he had money too he could have bought me something, just a hot orange or a tea.

He saw me and it was away miles from where we stayed but he did not come out and get me. Because he was with a lassie. He did not want me to see. I was not looking at him. I did not care about him. I just saw him. I was just walking to the subway and I saw him. People saw people. I was not spying. I was going to my grannie's, I was getting the subway. If he thought I was spying. What would I spy on him for? I did not care about him and his girlfriend, if it was a girlfriend, I did not even look at her, she had on a big long coat. Lasses were wearing them, if they had good style, their coats came right down to their ankles. The coats flapped open and their skirts were just short and ye saw their legs right up, then if they were walking, ye just saw them and it was just their legs, lasses done that. Mitch's big sisters wore the same skirts. I saw one out with her boyfriend and her coat was flapping. She waved to me. I shouted, Is Mitch home yet?

But he was not and she did not know when. People said he was no at his uncle and auntie's, it was an Approved School. Podgie thought it too. Oh his maw just telled us for an excuse. In the Approved Schools ye got locked up in dormitories. Porridge, bread and water. People talked about it. How come Mitch was there? He ran away too much. He broke into houses and shops. People said he did but he did not else I would have done it too. I would have. I wanted to do it so I could get money I said it to Mitch. I could climb up and go in a house. Boys done it, burglars, ye climbed up the ronepipe and went in the window.

Mitch could not climb the ronepipe but I done it easy. I could go up their balcony and take their money if they had it there. But what if the people were in the house? They would catch ye.

But ye would just see if their light was on. If the light was on ye would not do it.

If they did catch ye they would just get the cops and give ye a doing. Men done that if they caught ye breaking in. My da too. Oh if it is a thief, the very worst. He hated them.

But ye would just get away, ye would not let them catch ye. If Mitch was in the Approved School he would run away. He would not stay in it. But maybe they put chains on him. They done that in prison, then yer feet too, ye had to get a saw to cut through, just sawing and sawing.

I could not tell my maw about Mitch. If ever she knew she would not let me go pals with him. Approved Schools were the worst, the same as Borstals.

My maw was a snob. We all knew it. My da too. If she gave him a look when he said something wrong he did not like it. She was snobbish and posh. I did not want to go to Matt's school. It was not fair to make me.

My teacher said if I just stopped frittering, frittering and frittering. I was good at my lessons except I did not try. If I tried I would do it. She wrote it in a letter to go with my Report Card. My maw asked her to write it. Then she went to see them at Matt's school. My da did not go, just her. It was the headmaster she saw. Oh Matt is a fine pupil, he is a credit. If Kieron is anything like him he is most welcome. We will see how he does.

I liked the headmaster saying it but I did not want to go. My maw telled us on Saturday morning. Matt was not there but my da was. Saturday was usually overtime but today he did not go. He said, Maybe ye are brainy after all.

He laughed but my maw did not. My da said eftir aw and not after all so maybe that was how. My maw said to me, You will have to speak better Kieron and it is not aye remember it is yes.

I know.

Well if you know you should say it.

Sorry.

People that talked like me were just keelies and did not go to good schools. That was what my maw said. But Matt talked ordinary. He did not let her hear but out on the street he did. So if he did talk posh, he done it in school, but no outside. People would just batter him.

Oh forget about Matt, said my maw. Just concentrate on yourself.

People would not batter him, said my da.

Aye but da some would. They would not go about with him. He would not have pals.

Oh of course he would.

Aye but only in school.

Matt? My da's eyes squinted at me.

He does not have them outside.

Of course he does. Matt has plenty of pals. Do not be so stupid.

I am no being stupid I am just.

My maw put her hand on her head. Kieron! Stop your nonsense.

It is not nonsense.

Yes it is.

It isnay.

It is not.

It is not.

Oh for G*d sake. My da got up from the table. I am going down the shops to buy a paper.

My maw looked at me but it was not my fault. He was not angry anyway, not very angry. He was just fed up with it. He was fed up with the arguing. He said that. But a lot of times it was him started it. And if it was speaking bad, it was me that my maw gave the rows. My da spoke bad but it was me she blamed, she never said it to him. He done it worse than me.

He had his coat on and came back in the kitchen to get money. My maw said, Oh Johnny will ye get me a pint of milk and a half stone of potatos.

Right.

Usually it was me went the messages but sometimes my da went just to get a walk. He liked walking. When he went out the door my maw said, Oh Kieron, you must learn to concentrate.

***

Matt moaned about money. But sometimes he had it. Where did he get it? How come he had money? Maybe his girlfriend gave him it. One time he got a paperboy job before school but he only done it for one week. It was morning papers. He had to start at quarter past six. Just one week then he chucked it. I thought my da would be angry but he was not, just laughed.

My maw was glad. Oh it is interfering with yer lessons.

But I would have loved a job. But Matt still got money. People gave him it. He got a lot more than me. My da gave him some but he got it off my maw as well. From my grannie too. My Auntie May gave him money. I saw her. Sometimes she gave me money too.

My da gave me some now but not much, it was in my pocket to do what I liked, so I could just spend it on stuff or what, I could save it up. But it was just wee compared to other boys.

Gary McNab was getting a job as a milkboy. That was what I wanted and I was going to get one. Milk was the best job because ye got good tips, the best tips. Gary's big brother earned a fortune. Gary was just waiting for it. It was the first vacancy. I asked him about me and if I could get one but he said, Oh it is a long waiting list and ye have got to get somebody to talk for ye.

In our house anything with money was bad. When my da gave me pocket-money it was mine just to spend but he wanted to know what I was spending it on. I hope it is not cigarettes.

He said that for a joke. He did not know I smoked, but I did not smoke much. But it was my business. If it was my money and I spent it, that was up to me.

Once I got a job they could not say nothing, no if it was my money and I got it from my job. I could just spend it and if it was the carnival, I would just go and get shots on everything. Oh and a radio. I telled my maw I was going to get one.

But your brother has already got one.

Well but so what if he had one. So if I was not to get one just because he had one. That was not fair.

Oh it will be too noisy with his studies.

But I will not put it on if he is doing them.

Oh Kieron.

I played his radio all the time. He did not know. He did not let me when he was there. But if he was out the house I just switched it on. He went camping for the weekend with his pals in school and I had it on the whole time. I played about with all different stuff, hearing all the programmes from all over and different ways to speak from faraway countries and then ye heard Morse code. Sailors at sea were speaking to each other, fishermen. Morse code was how they done it. My da knew Morse code. SOS was dih dih dih, dah dah dah, dih dih dih. The complete thing was dots, short dots and long dots. If ye knew it ye could talk and they would not know what it was. If it was yer pals and ye talked to them, nobody could listen. Ye could do it in school and the teacher would not know. Ye could swear.

The radio was great. I went to my bed early and done it. Ye could turn out the light and have it on the pillow and even just fall asleep, if ye had it low.

But I always put it back the way he left it so he would not know. Because he looked. He looked to see. I know he did. One time I forgot and it was just a nightmare. I was up the field for a game of football and forgot to put the radio back where he left it. He would see I had used it. All the things went through my head about what would happen once he came home. So I better stop playing and go home early. But what if he was there already? If he had come back? That happened. Him and his pals were away camping, it rained and they got washed out. So they just came home. That was what I thought. So it was too late. He was there and he knew. But maybe no. No if I ran home and got it.

What if he had set a trap? What if he had set it at a certain station? He could have done that before he left the house and then he would just look and see. There was nothing I could do. I just carried on playing football. I did not want to go home. But when it came teatime I just went. Lucky for me he was not home, and not when I went to bed. When I got up for school next morning there he was. He came home very late.

One day he would leave and I would get the room to myself. It would be mine to do whatever I wanted. I could even put a lock on the door and ye would need a key to get in.

At his school they expelled people. If ye did not do yer lessons they expelled ye. Well I would not do them and get expelled. I did not tell any of the boys about it all. Imagine I did. Imagine Podgie. I was up their bit and we were talking and I just said, Oh I am joining the BB.

So am I, he said.

Gary was with us. Are you joining too? I said.

I might or I might no.

That was Gary. He never done much except just walk about. Other ones were joining the BB too and then there was the Bible Class. I was going to that as well. I did not care.

***

I started climbing back up the loft. I did not need my da's step-ladders and I did not need anybody to help me. Ye just watched it when ye climbed onto the landing wall. Once ye were up ye saw yer feet did not make creaking noises. If it was Mitch sometimes he did not do it right and ye thought if somebody heard us down below. I telled him all the time, Oh Mitch just watch it or ye will fall through the ceiling. He got worried and went slow but if it was too slow it was no good and ye just creaked on the rafters, so ye had to go quite quick. Imagine they were sitting watching the telly and ye went through the ceiling. Oh look, and it was your leg coming down. Ye saw it in the pictures, the family is eating their tea and the burglar runs across the roof then falls through it and lands on their table right in their food, Oh pardon me, and then he runs away. But if it was yer da and it happened, he would kill ye.

A wee brick wall split our loft from the one up the next close. I climbed over it and went along. I had fags and matches planked in at the edge. I did not usually smoke unless with people and it was draws each, but now I was going to. I went to get them but they were not there. I had not been up for ages so if somebody had stole them. I checked along further, there was a lot of places, but I could not find them. Somebody had stole them. I did not know other boys who went up. Maybe if workies were up, I saw their wee roof ladder, so if they took them. Their ladder was near where the skylight was. I could take it and get up to see out. Maybe I could open it. If I could and went out on the roof. Ye could sit up there and nobody could see ye. They would have to be on an airoplane.

That was the ronepipe, I did not like that about it how people saw ye, then if they telled yer maw. Ye just got bad rows, or else doings off yer da. But if it was the roof they could not see ye. But maybe they could if it was windows and they were looking out.

I heard noises. Usually it was birds ye heard or else doors slamming. I had another look for my fags then went back along to my own bit and the trapdoor was open, I had forgot to shut it. My da was waiting down below I did not see him. He came home early from work and saw the trapdoor open and knew it was me because it was me that went up. He just kept in at the side and did not speak till then I was dreeping down. I still did not see him, just getting my feet down onto the top of the wall. Ye had to be careful yer feet did not slip off and ye fell right down the landing and all the stairs. But I heard a noise and it was my maw, she was there too, Oh God, and then my feet touched down and I was on the landing wall, and my da just grabbed my legs and had me gripped and got me down and skelped me skelped me, bum and legs, just as hard, bam bam, bam bam, and against the door so I fell right in. My maw there. Oh Johnnie, that is enough now.

He will never learn he will never learn.

Bam bam, bam bam.

Oh Johnnie that is enough.

I did not care. So if he hit me. I did not care. Just if he done it another time, if ever he did. I did not want more doings. Not off of him. If he done it again, he would never do it again, so if he hit me, he just never would or I would just go away, I would just go away. I was too old to get hit by him. I would run away. I was going to. People ran away. Mitch done it. I was going to. I wanted to go to the highlands. Mitch done it there and he done it to England. I could go to England too if it was my Uncle Billy. I could just get a job, if it was a paperboy or a milkboy or just deliveries for something, if it was bacon parcels and sweetie bags, there was all jobs and I could get one and just save my money.

Some ran away and naybody knew where they went. They did not go to anywhere, just over the fields and faraway, miles and miles. They lived out in the wilds, maybe they found a cave. People had caves. Matt went with his Secondary School on a long weekend and they found one. They were in tents. It was away on an island. He said I would love it because climbing, ye could climb down all cliffs and ye saw birds' nests and all birds' droppings where ye put yer hands. They got special diving out in the deep sea. Ye went out on boats away out past the rocks. Ye went in off the boat and swam along just the breaststroke, then ye dived down and down. Ye went in off the back of the boat so it would not capsize. Oh but the water was freezing.

Matt said how they were all chittering but ye just got used to it. Ye all went away to the side and the man shouted yer orders so ye swam along straight and at a steady pace and if ye swam right out it was America next, but then ye dived down and it was slow motion, keeping yer legs straight up, down and down, and yer eyes open under the water then when yer feet came after ye ye just kicked hard, and down ye went to the bottom if ye could reach it, that was what ye were trying but it was dead deep and ye did not reach it. But the water was clear as daylight so ye could see everything, it was just great. They went on treks. Matt said it, Oh they took us on treks, way way along the shore then at the sides of the cliffs and down into it. The best for climbing, it was just great how ye could even just run up the sides, rock to rock and yer feet hit the right one, just watching for slippery stanes if there was seaweed and moss or if the waves splashed in, really it was the best place. In among the rocks there were pools of water, clear clean water, it was the cleanest, and ye found wee crabs and stuff in them and who knows, ye were looking for treasure, it was just how ye imagined. Matt said it. Ye went over one rock and down to another and then at the side ye saw something maybe sparkling, if it was diamonds and buried treasure from a shipwreck. Shipwrecks happened, and if all hands were lost. The cliffs were rocky and made it bad for boats during bad gales. My da said it too. The rocks went way way out underneath so the sailors did not see them. So it was dangerous for swimming too but when it was deep sea surface diving it was okay then, and ye could swim good except for currents.

But then they got the cave, the leader took them, he was a teacher from Matt's Secondary School. It was big and damp and went into a bigger cave and it was where the old highlanders were hiding. The Redcoats came to get them. They started a fire and burnt them all to death. They all were hiding and it happened. They were filled with smoke and laid down to die. If they came out the Redcoats stuck their bayonets into them.

If ye went far in there was bones. Matt said it. Bones were bleached. Other fires were there too, just wee ones for cooking, and that was shepherds and fishermen caught in a raging storm just keeping warm and dry. But there was other stuff too, like old beer cans and litter. And people had done's***es next to the walls. So ye might find other people using caves, if they were on the run, maybe murderers. Or else boys running away, maybe it was, ye could get jobs on a farm or on a fishing boat and just stay here till ye got fixed up or ye could buy a tent.

But if ever I did run away, I would. I was not scared. Just because I did not. If I did Mitch could come but even if he did not I would still do it.

Things could be yer Fate. So what could you do after that, you could not do nothing if that was you, if it was God, so you had to do it.

***

Peter Wylie was looking at me, he was at the top of the second row now and I was just in front of him. I liked Peter but he wanted to beat me all the time. He still said about when he fell off the tree, Oh if you had not bounced the branch. He laughed when he did but he meant it. I got fed up with him saying it. Now it was the good school. How come I was going there? It is my big brother's school, I said, that is how.

Oh Smiddy is a brainy b*****d.

It is my maw, she done it, it is no me.

How come?

I do not know, because of my brother.

Oh ye want to f*****g go, said Gary McNab.

No I do not.

I did not like them thinking stuff. Billy too, how come he said it? If they knew I did not want to go? Well, if I did not, how come I was going? That was what they thought. How come it was me. Oh he is f*****g top division, said Gary.

But that did not matter, top division was just daft, it was because of my maw and my brother. I telled them. It was my maw went and done it and it was their headmaster because he liked Matt. If Matt did not go I would not, but because he did, that was how.

It would be the worst. I did not tell the boys that. I did not speak much about it. It was just yer Fate and ye had to. Oh but I did not want to. How come they thought I did! Podgie did not look to me. He started talking about football but no to me. He was keeping me out. That was him. He done that to people. He done it to me a lot. I wished Mitch was there. Mitch would not have cared. Podgie and them were just no real pals. Ye went to meet them and they were away out. Ye went looking and found them and they were talking about something. Nobody said hullo. Ye just stood and waited till they finished. Then if ye were walking, they did not shout ye over. Usually people did, if ye were walking down the shops or someplace and ye did not see them, they shouted ye, Hoh Smiddehhh, Smiddehhh!

Now they did not. How come? It was no my fault, if they thought I wanted to go to that f*****g good school.

It was Podgie. Or else Gary. People waited for them. They did not say hullo to ye so then everybody else, and even Primary 6S, they were just looking, they did not know what to do. Then if they passed round a fag and ye were waiting for a draw. What if they did not give ye one? What if ye were there and they just did not, they gave everybody a draw except ye? Well, if they did, if they did it to me, I would have went home, I would just have went away, I would never ever no have just.

Because it was no fair and I was fed up with it. So if it was my fault. Well it was not my fault. I did not want to go to that rotten stinking f*****g school, really, I did not. They all were snobs and spoke posh at it. I knew they did. Matt telled me. Even the ones that were not posh, they could annoy ye. Some were alright but mostly they were not. Matt said, Oh you will hate it. You will just hate it.

Do not tell him that, said my maw.

She took me to the shop for my complete uniform, ye had to get a navyblue blazer with the school badge, then trousers and proper shoes, and the school tie. I did not want to wear the trousers, they were too wide. My da said they were flannels. Oh son that is a nice pair of flannels.

If it was windy they just flapped about. Even if it was not windy, ye just were running down the road, they just flapped away. Matt said it when we were running down the hill to get the train, Oh you will take off, you will fly away.

Ye could not wear jeans to this school. That was the last thing, if ever ye wore jeans they would just send ye home.

Ye needed a monthly railway-pass. My maw gave me the money for it. I went with Matt on the first morning. It was a full train so we had to stand. All ones going to school, all different schools. Catholics and Protestants. And all their uniforms. Men and women too, going to their work. They worked up the town in offices.

I knew how to get to Matt's school so he did not have to show me. It was a big big building, all bricks and stone. He did not talk much when we walked up the hill from the railway station. He took me into the playground and went away over to his own bit. I saw him talking to big ones. He was in 5th year now The playground was full of people. Darkies were there, boys and girls. Matt said they would be. They just walked about, coloured ones.

At nine o'clock the teachers came out and one of them was reading out names of people and what class they were in and where they were to go. It went on and on. All people had their names called. It came down to the last and there was only a few. I did not like it. It was a man and he kept looking at me all the time. I had not done nothing. How come he was looking at me? I did not have a school bag. My maw was getting me one. I had an old one but I did not bring it. Matt said I should but I did not like carrying stuff and just left it.

Now it was only me and another two, one lassie. Then it was just me. The whole place was empty except me and the teacher. He was going to go away and folded up his papers but he saw me looking and went, Oh would you come here please. What is your name and where do you stay and how come it is you and what happened if your name is not here.

He did not have my name. It was not down on his lists. Where do you live? Is this the correct school? Maybe you should not be here. Oh but I should. My mother said it, she saw the headmaster. My big brother is here too, I said, Matthew Smith.

Oh I know Matthew Smith. He is your brother. Mm. Come with me please.

He took me to the school office. I saw doors for Headmaster and Nurse. I sat down and then later he came back. I was to go to my class right away. My class was iG. They gave me a ticket for dinnerschool.

So that was that. Everything was horrible. I did not find the classroom and when I did it was a new class, mine all was away to another one. Every time they finished a class they went away to another one. A different teacher for all the classes. I just went after them and saw people and just followed them but every time in the class I had to say to the teacher what my name was so they could write it down. They did not have it on any lists and said, Oh is this the correct class?

People were looking at ye. I hated it. Ye felt stupid. Ye just got a red face and yer voice. Oh could you speak up please, so ye had to say it loud.

Kieron Smith.

Would you please repeat that?

Kieron Smith.

The teachers just looked at ye and thought, Oh he must be stupid. That was what they were thinking and the boys and lasses too because ye were speaking and they heard ye, so they knew how ye spoke. Oh who is he, where is he from? I had to say my name and other things. Yes sir this is my class.

Are you sure?

Yes sir.

Oh well you had better take a seat.

The next night I saw boys down the shops and they telled me my name got called out at the right school. Everybody all was looking to see if I was there. Oh where is Smiddy? Oh he is no here he is going to a good school.

And I was going to be in iB, so that was the second top class. Here at Matt's school I was in the lowest. That was iG. They said it was not the lowest but it was. They did not even know me, just put me there. I telled Matt but no my maw. He just looked. He was in the second top class. He had pals in that school. I did not. Ones went to the same Primary so they knew each other and did not speak to you. Some were posh or were fat or else big. I was wee compared. There was no darkies but two were Jewboys. One came from Belgium and was a Catholic. Somebody said it. He did not do the Sign. Ye got other ones in that school. Imagine Podgie and the boys, if ye telled them. Oh I have got a darkie and a Pape and a Jewboy in my class. Oh are ye sitting beside the Pape? That was what they would say. Oh is that darkie yer pal? What about the jungle, are ye going to go there?

I did not care. But it was just how come if the Belgium boy was a Pape and in a Protestant school. Boys in the class made jokes about how he spoke, I am ver angreee, you think I am sillee fool, I am not sillee fool you are sillee fool.

I sat at the desk to the side of him in History. Ye had to sit where ye were from the second day, so if ye had not changed from the first that was it and ye had to sit at the same desk. He was looking at me. How come? I did not do nothing to him. Other ones laughed. Sillee fool, I am ver angreee. I did not. He knew a lassie and talked to her at playtime. She did not talk much, just looked roundabout. She was skinny and quite big. I saw them in the playground. One day she wore trousers but no the next. Girls were not allowed to, only skirts. She had black hair and yellow skin, and he had the same but she was not his sister.

Some were ordinary but had pals in other classes or from where they stayed. Some did not have pals, so ye just went about. I saw Matt in the corridor but we did not wave or go the gether. I got the first train home but he did not. He came home late.

They did not call it playtime, but morning break and afternoon break. There was a part of the playground ye were allowed to play football. It was next to the little school. They had three buildings and called them the big school, middle school and little school. Ye got different classes in the three of them. They played football with a wee ball but too many played. I was counting. Fifteen or seventeen in one side. Ye got the ball and everybody charged. There was nowhere to run, too many of them were there. What will I do? Just kick it. It was good if ye were a dribbler but it was hard to do it. Some boys were good. Or else if ye had a hard shot, some did and could boot the ball hard. Ye had to watch if it hit ye, it was just a wee ball but it was hard and stung yer leg. Most people just ran about and tried to kick it. If ye kicked it twice it was good. Everybody all was shouting. Teachers walked past and shook their head. One came and stopped the game, Oh please men a bit of hush!

The best game was dinnertime, after ye came back from dinnerschool if ye went to dinnerschool. My maw gave me the week's money on Friday morning, that was for the next week, but I just spent it and did not go. I made a piece and cheese after my breakfast and just ate that in the playground or else at the morning break. I went and played football. I quite liked it but sometimes it was just daft. If the ball came and ye were running other ones tried to get it off ye except they were in your team. Oh what are ye kicking me for? But still they done it. Just because they wanted a kick. Some were hopeless and could not play right. They did not bother and then just laughed if they got a kick. After the bell rang and ye were going up the stair a boy said, I never got a kick!

So during the whole game he did not get one kick. Ones played from different classes. Some in my class did not play at all. But I liked that. Boys that played saw me and saw I got kicks. They did not know about my name and I did not say it, so if it was Smiddy, nobody knew. They just said yer second name, Smith.

The ball went up on the roof of the playground shelters. People were looking up. Nobody was going for it. I waited to see. There was an easy ronepipe and it was not high up. I thought I would but then not. But I could, maybe.

The buildings were good for climbing. The shelters were next to them so ye could get up on one and over to the school buildings. A gap was between them but it was not giant. If ye took a long run and did the jump and got to a window ye could get yer hands on the ledge and there was another one down below it. There was ways. I saw them. I wanted to climb it. Maybe I would.

It would be good just to do it then maybe for a laugh looking in the top window, if it was your class doing a lesson. But the little school roof was nay good, no like the one in my Primary School. That was flat. So was the roof of the playground shelter. What if I went up? Imagine nobody had done it before. It would be hoaching with balls and stuff, hundreds of things. All over the place. What would be there? Everything. School books and exercise jotters, pencils and pens and sweeties. And money too. I know because I saw ones do it. Halfpennies and pennies. People flung it up for luck or else showing off. There would be a fortune. Ye would just get the money and no anything else, just fill yer bag. One boy that chipped the coins was in my class. He chipped them with his thumb, flick, and then spinning right up. That was the good way to do it. He was not one of the posh ones except talking, if he was English. That was how he spoke. I would rather you, not me. Oh I would prefer not to, I would rather you, not me.

The lasses all liked him. He was nay good at sport. If it was a games period ye had to play what he done was just funny walks and runs down the sideline or else just walked about talking to people. The PE teacher shouted at him. This boy just looked at him then done it but he was not feared. He did not know nothing about football but some about rugby, it was just rugby But ye saw the lasses and he was talking to them. He was the only one boy there and talking. If he was telling jokes, ye saw them laughing, so he must have been telling them. But his jokes were good, he telled them to boys in the class too, things from the pictures or else the teachers, mimicking them, he was good at mimicking. And then tunes, he put his hands up so he was playing a trumpet, twiddling his fingers, and done a tune like a trumpet.

He must have been quite rich to do it with the money. All them that chipped the coins up on the roof. I was going to climb it and get it all. It would be good if I did, people would know. Maybe lasses too except how they did not notice stuff. It was funny how lasses, you noticed them but they did not notice you. Ye saw them in the playground if it was their gym period and they got taken out. Sometimes they did. Other times it was the boys. The lasses wore short short skirts or else navyblue knickers tucked in and ye saw all their legs. If ye had to leave the room and go to the lavatory ye saw them chasing about and their tits bouncing.

Imagine the boys if ye were telling them, Podgie. They walked behind lasses and said stuff. Sometimes I went. They shouted stuff, Oh can I get a squeeze?

It was Podgie said it first, squeeze, can I get a wee squeeze. Squeezing her tit, that was what he meant. It was a laugh. Him and Gary shouted, Squeeze!

Then in a quiet voice, Yer tit.

Podgie said it out loud as well and if the lassie heard, he did not care, and if she got a big red face all the boys were laughing at her. Oh she is getting a riddy! Look.

He done it with Ann Ritchie, a Primary 7 lassie, and she shouted. Oh grow up you, just grow up.

Podgie shouted back, Naw you grow up, just you grow up!

She looked at me now and it was not me that said it. I could not stop Podgie saying it, if he wanted to then he just done it, so it was no my fault.

It was usually weer lasses him and the boys done it with. If it was with older ones ye had to be careful. Then if people were there and they were older than us. Ye maybe did not see them but they were across the street, then they saw ye. Who the f**k are you? F**k off.

Or Papes. Somebody would say it, Oh she is a Pape. So ye were watching for them because if their boys came and ye were shouting names at them.

But usually ye knew the lasses or who they were. Ann Ritchie was one I liked. She was in the class below me at Primary. Usually if ye liked a lassie she was older or else the same age but no always. I saw Ann Ritchie down the shops. I liked the way she looked and the way her legs went. Her house was up a wee hill and her view went over the top of my roof, right away to the hills. Maybe she saw me out the back window when I was on the veranda. I walked round her way when I went down the shops. Maybe she was at the front window and I walked past. Maybe she looked out and saw me. If I was walking along she would, she would see it was me. I was going to wave to her or if she was out her close, just hullo or what. Oh you are going to a good school. And I would just tell her about it. Peter Wylie said she had wee tits. I did not like him saying that. It was just to get in with Podgie, it was showing off.

With girls at the good school it was different. I did not know about them. They did not look at ye. I was talking to my grannie and she said, Oh they will be looking at you. But you will not see them looking.

Maybe ye were at the desk and one was looking at ye. You cannot see her but she sees you. So she is sitting behind ye or at the side and just if it was out the corner of her eye. What if ye saw her and it was true. Oh and the feeling too, ye would get that and it would just be oh ye would just have to go about or walk or what, just shivering. Ye were sitting at yer desk and writing something and the whole class was quiet and ye just saw her and she was looking. What one?

My grannie said stuff to make ye feel it was okay but really, I did not see one looking at me. My clothes were not good. I needed stuff for going out. Peter Wylie had good clothes. I saw ones he wore. People said he had good style. He did have. Him and Gary McNab had the best. But if ye had a job. I was getting one. I just needed it. There was paperboy jobs too. Ye just put yer name down. It was Proddies. If ye were a Catholic ye did not get one except if ye were lucky. Once I got a job I was getting my own stuff And that was that and my maw and da, it was up to them what they said, if they wanted to say something that was them, but if it was my money It would be if it was my job.

In the good school the lasses did not care about if ye saw them in their knickers for their PE period. That was them. Oh grow up.

Ye could see them running about, they did not care, their faces all red from running, puffing hard and their sandshoes squeaking, their legs right up. But ye could not walk too slow else a teacher saw ye and ye did not look. Then if ye watched them going up the stair to see up their skirt they shouted at ye. Oh you dirty animal.

Boys pointed at ye and laughed at ye too. No me but other ones. They had two gyms and two changing rooms in this school. After PE class ye got a shower. Ye did not have to, just if ye wanted. Some done it in the nude, people were looking. Bigger boys were there, doing repeat years. They should have been in 2nd year but got kept back. Ye could bring swimming trunks but ones laughed at ye. Some just ran in, covering it with their hand. Ye did not want people seeing if it was what size was it too wee? Or if ye were baldy or what, them just laughing and pointing and ye were getting a red face, that happened. Mine was not baldy but there was only a wee drop of hair. Then they flapped their towel at yer bum and if it hit ye it was quite sore, but they did not do it to me and if they were going to I kidded on I did not see. I was not going to fight them but if they were going to fight me I would. Except there was a wee gang there, I saw them.

But if ye did not take the shower. Really ye had to or they would say stuff. Ones that did not were fat or wee or too skinny. They talked about ye. Oh he is a poof. Oh nancyboy nancyboy. He has got a vaggie. That was what they said. He has got a vaggie. I did not know it except later, a lassie's thing.

Maybe if ye kidded on, Oh I am just in a hurry, I cannot take a shower. The Belgium boy got a note for the teacher so he did not take one. People laughed at him.

Boys were fast into the gym from the changing room. It was good and I liked it. Lasses had their own gym and it was through the wall from ours but it was a partition wall and sometimes the two sides did not close right so ye could see through it and they were doing their exercises wearing their short short skirts or else just knickers, sometimes it was.

There was two climbing ropes and wall bars. The wall bars were good. Ye could climb up the top and look down. Ye were not supposed to climb it except if a teacher was present. In case ye fell off. But it was good grips with the bars. I climbed up and touched the ceiling with my head. Nobody watched me. I just done it. I had a way so that I was sitting down when I was up high. It looked like I was. I got my hands in so they were just nearly jammed at the wrists, but it was not easy to do and ye had to watch the heels of yer sandshoes did not slip.

The climbing ropes were easy. They went to the ceiling. Boys could not climb it if they were fat, they could not pull themself up. Jeremy Brogan was one. People quite liked him. He tried to do stuff and was good at some games. But he could only climb a wee bit. His face puffed out red. I cannot do it sir.

Oh well. The PE teacher did not give him a row. This was Mr Ramsay, he was the one that took us for it and if ever we got football it would be him. He played football. I told my da about him. I thought he might have heard Mr Ramsay's name because my da liked football, but he could not remember. Mr Ramsay liked Jeremy Brogan because he was good at rugby and swimming. People said rugby was better than football. The other PE teacher said it. Only hooligans play football, rugby players are gentlemen. He was old and said how it was superior and if ye played it ye were a gentleman. He had a posh voice and ye had to speak in a posh voice back to him else he kidded on he did not hear ye or else in yer own voice mimicking ye. I didnay dooo it please surr it wisnay meee droaped the bawww.

Mr Ramsay could climb the rope just with his hands. It was a wee bit like showing off. I would love to have done it. He had his legs straight together at one side and sloping out. The rope went through his wrists and his hands different, just like his wrists jutting out. How did he do it? He did not show us how. He just walked back to his seat and looked at his book. Boys were talking about it in the changing room. Ye needed strong muscles to climb that way. Mr Ramsay's arms were like that. I tried to do it but it was right enough how yer arms were no strong enough. But maybe I was fastest. Except a way ye climbed the rope, I started getting funny feelings, then up near the top it was worse and it was like it was just well the rope was rubbing ye in, just how it was between yer legs, and it was a feeling up yer body. I did not know what but then had to stop and no move and to hang on so just hanging on, and ye were having to press and it was coming and what happened ye got the feeling, and even more having to hold on because if ye forgot and ye took yer hands off, ye were very high up, so ye just really had to watch it, keeping tight in till then it happened and ye just came and there was spunk too, so if it showed through yer underpants then it was yer shorts, if people saw it, they all would know except maybe it did not happen to them, maybe it did not, nobody talked about it.

When ye came down the rope ye did not stand straight but turned sideways and bent a wee bit so nobody could see the front. Really because if they saw ye, what would happen? People would just laugh at ye and spread it about, Oh see him there!

Imagine lasses knew. If people said it to them. But they would not, they would never. But just how things spread about. People would just do it. I did not have pals in that school. People did not know me. Even in yer own class, they were not friendly and hardly even talked to ye. Oh what is your name? Nobody said that. I did not say it to them. People were not pals, I was not pals with them. Some were b*****ds, that was what I thought.

The best thing was the swimming. Except it was Monday morning, so after ye got it ye had all the whole week to come and ye were going to be at school, it was just agony The swimming baths were not in the school. Special buses took ye.

In the scheme I was a good swimmer and a fast racer with Mitch and the boys. But here at school I was slow, I was no even a real swimmer. It was just like I was starting. Boys done it different. No them all but just some, posh ones. Donald Shields especially. He was just the best racer ever. He done the butterfly. I never seen anybody do it except on television. I tried it, I could not. I only done four strokes then that was that. But Donald Shields just done it. We all were looking. Oh that is smashing. Oh jees oh he is great. That is what ye were thinking.

He did not bother but just done it. He had a posh voice from England. The PE teacher said he would show us how to do the butterfly but first was the ones that could not swim. He took all them to the shallow end. Us that could swim just done it. The fast ones went at the side. On the first and the second day that was where I went, I thought I was to because I would be a fast one, but I was not, I was a slow one compared. The ones that swam the real fastest just went past ye, they were sailing, just smooth. Donald Shields done the backstroke as well. He did not even splash, his arms just in and out the water, ohm ohm, ohm ohm. And then he was away past ye. If he was coming up ye kidded on ye did not see him. Same with the other ones. One was Jeremy Brogan, he was very fast and like a man doing it. Fat people could be good at swimming. What about skinny ones? Maybe I was just skinny Ye could only keep up for three strokes. But Shields was skinny. Him and Brogan had badges on their trunks for a swimming club. They had Galas. That was where they raced and parents went to see them. Girls went as well. Some girls beat the boys. They went swimming at nighttime after school and it was a club. They went five times a week for practising. Ye did not pay money if ye were in the club. Ye were a member. Yer maw and da got ye into it and ye had a wee card so ye got in for free.

For the school swimming ye did not get cubicles for changing. It was one big changing room and ye put yer clothes into a basket so everybody was all just the gether. Lasses were not there, they went another time. They were in my class for ordinary lessons.

Swimming was the first two periods on Monday morning so that spoiled it. Once ye had dressed the special bus was waiting to take us to school. I was quick out the changing rooms so I sat waiting and it was the worst because that was you trapped for the whole week. It was just so horrible, just the worst. I thought about dodging round a corner before I got on the bus then waiting for it to go away. It was a far walk to the river but I would love doing it, get a ferry over to my grannie. She would be glad. I did not go much.

But I got on the bus. I wanted on first so I could sit anyplace and just in at the window. Ye did not get a double seat to yerself, a person had to sit beside ye. If ye were one of the last ones ye had to go and sit beside somebody. I hated it. Who did ye sit beside? I could not sit beside anybody. How come him if ye did? They would just look at ye. What did ye sit beside me for? I did not want to sit beside anybody. Except a lassie, that was who I would have sat beside. But ye could not sit beside a lassie, that even was worse.

Monday morning and it was all to come, all just horribleness. People talked on the bus but I did not, just looked out the window. My pals were at their own school. Here I did not have any pals. I did not care. I did not want any. One day I would not be here.

When the bus got to the school people were out for the morning break and there was a game of football but usually I did not play My hair was still wet and that feeling ye got after swimming, like a wee bit tired, but a good tired.

People w****d in the toilets. They done jokes about it. If somebody kicked in a door and somebody was doing it they said their name and wrote it on the wall. Ye were just sitting on the lavatory pan and they looked over to see if ye were doing it. Ones smoked in the toilets. When ye went in they looked to see who it was. I heard their voices and they were not posh. It was McEwan and his pals. They were like a wee gang. McEwan was the leader. One of them was in my class. They saw ye and gave a wee smile, Oh he cannot fight. That was what it was. Ye did not want to go in because they were there. And what if they claimed ye? Well if they did? If they did they did. Sometimes I waited till the bell rang for the end of the break and just ran in then.

In this school ones ye thought were best fighters were not. They did not fight, they let others laugh and did not care. They kept to their own side and saw their own pals. They were posh, even if they did not look posh. My maw asked me did they talk nice. She knew they did because Matt telled her. There was not much swearing except bad words, but bad words did not matter, people just said them, some teachers too, Oh it is a bloody nuisance, he is a damn swine, oh for God sake, oh for Jesus sake. The Algebra teacher said it too, but not against people, it just came out. Hells bells. Oh Hells bells.

People said it. Hells bells. Who has blooming farted, Hells bells.

Most spoke good, even ones that did not, they done it the same like me, just watching it and what they said. Aye and naw, nobody said that. Some had upstairs and downstairs houses with their own door and gardens, and motor cars, they talked about them, Oh the Cresta is a heap of old tin. Oh do you know the Rover?

People had good clothes. Their blazers had the school badge sewed on the top pocket. I heard one boy saying it. Oh I can just take the badge off at the weekend and wear the jacket out.

Jacket and not blazer. And he was not posh, just spoke ordinary. He took the school badge off at the weekend. So then he could wear his jacket out. That was what he said. When it came time for school his mother tacked the badge back on. So it was just like a good jacket for going out. And nobody would see what school ye went to. Oh he is a Pape, he is a Proddy. Nobody would say it because they would not know. Or if it was a posh school.

Him and other ones were talking about a cafe they went to and there was a great jukebox. Oh it is all the Top Twenty, it is great.

My jacket had the badge built in at the top pocket. It was not a patch so ye could not take it out. So maybe it was a blazer and not a jacket. My shirt was no right either, the collar was too big. If ye pulled the tie tight it went underneath. The collar came over it and got wrin kled all up. It was hopeless. Some boys did not pull their tie tight, just let them open at the top and their shirts open at the top as well. They had good clothes. Their trousers too. Mine were not. No just me. Others had the same trousers. Flannels. But Matt did not have flannels. I only saw that now. I had not seen it before. How come he got good ones? They were the good grey and smooth and did not flap about. How come I did not get them? Mine just flapped about and just were horrible, I f*****g hated them. I needed new clothes. Oh wait till Christmas, said my maw, it will be your Christmas.

But mum I need them.

You will just have to wait.

That was me, I had to wait, but no Matt. Oh because he is good at his lessons. Maybe my maw would say that. Two teachers said it to me. Oh you are Matthew Smith's brother, and were looking at me. I just said, Yes sir and yes miss. Oh you are not so good as him, that was what they were meaning. I did not care anyway.

Ye got homework to do. I done a lot on the train home and then the train in next morning. I got the early train to school and finished it in the playground. Matt did not like me doing it in the bedroom if he was in it. I still done it if I wanted. But usually I done it in the kitchenette or else on the living-room table. But my da did not like it because my maw telled him to turn down the telly. Oh Kieron is doing his homework.

Can he no do it in the kitchenette?

I liked doing it in the kitchenette anyway. But I done most of it on the train or else in the playground.

Me and Matt did not like going with each other. I saw him standing over with his pals. He did not like it if I was near. At dinnertime people went for a walk and I saw his pal smoking a fag. Maybe he was too. He did not see me looking. What if I telled my maw? She would have gave him a row but what else, nothing. If she telled my da what would he have done. Nothing. He would not have hit him. My da hit me but no Matt. If he knew he was smoking, maybe he would not do nothing. Except give him a fag. Matt was past sixteen. People smoked in the house at that age. Their maws and das knew they smoked and let them do it.

Ye went along a lane to the railway station. It was great going down and horrible coming up. Coming up ye were going to school, going down ye were going home. Boys hung about the lane. They wore ordinary clothes and acted tough. They did not go to Matt's school. If they looked at ye it was to fight. Then ye were cornered because it was the lane, ye could not get by. Open yer bag. They did not say it to me but they done it to others. I heard they did. They made them open their bag and chipped stuff out on the ground. If it was worth knocking they took it. Usually it was just books, pens and yer pencils.

They were not always there. People went the other way round, it took ages and ye missed yer train. These boys were like a gang, older than me. It was lasses they were there for. They shouted stuff and tried to talk to them. I saw them doing it. Some lasses talked to them.

But ye did not like passing them. I found a short cut. There was a big dyke on the right side of the lane coming up from the station. Ye climbed it and walked along the top. It was not tiles but double bricks with concrete over, some chipped off and loose, ye had to watch it. On the other side was a grass backcourt. The building was two storeys high. Ye dreeped down the backcourt side of the dyke. But people saw ye doing it. An old man watched out the window, he just sat there all the time. When ye walked the dyke he waved his fist at ye. I did not bother. Another one was a woman hanging out her washing. She shouted at me, Get down from there or I will call the police.

Oh missis a gang is chasing me.

But she did not care. People were posh and told the teachers. One morning the Headmaster spoke over the Address System. It is reported that boys in school uniform are climbing the walls along Station Lane. If anybody climbs into the backcourt properties it is a dismissal offence, you will be expelled for such persistent behaviour.

I usually done it at four o'clock and if these boys were there I dreeped down the other side and skipped through the back close. There was a gate there locked, ye had to climb it. It was wood and shook like it was going to fall down. One time I done it but when I came out the close these ones were there. I ran fast down the road and in the side way to the railway station. I did not see if they chased me but was glad when the train came.

Some at that school were stupid thinking they could fight ye. They just looked at ye and saw ye. Oh we can kill him. But if they did not know ye. How come they could beat ye? They thought that. But it was just stupid. They did not know if ye were posh or what. If they claimed me I would fight them. I would, I would just get into them. They did not know that but I would, if they thought who I was, they did not know and did not know my pals and ones I knew from my scheme. They could have come down here and battered them all.

Imagine I brought the boys with me. We could just take them on. Whoever wanted a fight, we would give them it. That was my real pals. No like from this place. They did not even talk to ye. So you did not talk to them. Who wanted to talk to them? No me. I did not want any of them.

My maw said it. Oh Kieron who is your friends, do you have any friends. I just kidded on. So then I just done something. I said somebody's name to my maw. Oh I am friends with him.

But I was not. It was just one that sat beside me in the Geometry class. He just came and sat. I did not know him, just his name, but he started feeling me. He did not talk but just done it. It was a worry if people were going to see, ye just worried about it and were not going to do it again, never. I did not like him doing it but he just done it, so if he started ye just let him, just slow, that was how he done it and ye just thought about it. Outside school as well and ye were home in the house, ye did not want to, it just came into yer head. Ye were not going to let him do it again, never, and going to school in the morning ye were thinking it too, never never, ye were never going to let him but then if it was a Geometry period next, if it was and ye were there and he came in and was he going to sit beside ye and then he done it, just sat down and got out his books and what was going to happen, ye were nearly shaking just waiting till then if he done it, ye could not stop him, he just done it, and if you were to do it to him, keeping his knee pressed against ye till ye did. That was like a good fighter. He acted like he was. He was not, he was just posh. But he done it with his knee, just pressing in like he was trying to make ye. He could not make me.

So if he was a good fighter and you were not, if he thought that. I could batter him any day of the week. Who was scared of him? No me anyway. But then he was doing it and his knee pressed hard in and just keeping doing it. So you were to do it to him, that was what he wanted, you were to do it back to him. But I did not want to. What if the teacher saw ye? Two lasses sat at the desk behind. So if they saw? What if they did? Oh but it was all the class, that would just be the worst. The lasses would tell them or else the teacher, so all everybody would know and ye were just a nancyboy and a poof, all just laughing at ye. How come? It was just the horri-blest thing and I did not want him to start it so if he did I switched round on my seat till my legs were away but then if he still tried it and just kept doing it and his hand was there.

Outside in the playground he had his own pals. He just went with them and did not look at ye. I did not care. I did not want to stand with him anyway I did not even look at him. I did not want to. If he thought he could do something with me. I would have battered him. And if it was his pals, them too. Just posh ones. Who was scared of them.

But if he told them. He would not tell them. Because it was him, he started it. I went and watched the football.

Too many were playing. That was that in this f*****g school. People were stupid. They did not play it right. How many were on each side? Ye could not even count them. It was just a bunch of maddies running up and down trying to kick the ball. They kicked it anywhere. They did not even know where to kick it. Oh Smith, are you playing?

That was a boy in my class. He was shouting on me. Do ye want a game? Two of ye could come on.

Okay.

I just said it but then I thought I would, I would just go on. Another boy was there watching. It was one on one side one on the other and I said it to him, Oh do ye want a game?

Okay.

So they took us on and we got a game. But it was just so hopeless with all too many people running about and that wee toty ball. It was the worst game ever ye could get. It was not like real football. We played real games out in my scheme, we had great games. All the boys played and it was great. This game on the playground was just the most stupid stupid thing. Nobody could even see if ye were good. Too many were playing. Who was good and who was bad? It was just complete stupid nonsense, just running up and down. And then people stopped playing. They just stopped. Ye heard somebody saying it. Oh to Hell, I am not playing. And they just went away. I done it like the last time. Ye got fed up and ye just thought, Oh I am never going to play it again. But then ye did, ye just wanted a game. So then if the ball came I went in hard and got it, I started doing that. Other ones did not, just shouted at ye, Oh stop kicking.

Well if it is f*****g football, that is kicking.

Yes but not legs.

Oh well sorry.

***

Then all the homework, it was just all the time, homework, homework homework. I done it on the train or in the station or next morning coming to school. Some ye only could do in the house, ink-exercises. Matt did not like me using his desk. My da had made him it. He joined it on the side of the tallboy, so it was stuck with nails. It was good how he done it, two shelves up above for yer books and stuff. Oh but my maw hated it. He done it when she was at her work for a surprise. She came home and saw it. Oh Johnnie! What did you do that for?

Because he put the nails in the wall and in the side of the tallboy to join on the top of the desk. So if ye took out the nails and took it away all holes were left behind. My maw hated it. Oh if we want to sell the tallboy, now we cannot. Why did you not tell me you were doing it? Now it is ruined it is just ruined. And we cannot move the wardrobe because the shelf is joined to the wall.

My da's face was red.

Oh Johnnie it is just stupid. I wish you had said first. Oh why did you not say it first?

Oh well, I can put it back again.

You cannot put it back again. Really, it is ruined. It will just be holes in the side. My maw went to the side of the wardrobe and was poking at it. Oh and see this crack here, she said. Look, the wood is cracking, and will just get worse. Nobody will buy it now. Oh I wish you had said first.

My da done the job and she did not know he was doing it. He waited till she went to work then made it all as a surprise. Oh I thought ye would be pleased, he said.

Well I am not pleased, it is just silly. Ye have ruined the tallboy. Ye have ruined it.

No I have not.

Yes you have.

I can fix it.

Oh you cannot fix it with all these holes.

I can.

But you cannot. Oh I wish ye would get a job.

Well I want a bloody job, that is what I want.

My maw did not say anything. Because it was his fault he did not have one. He had a job and then he chucked it. He got fed up and just stopped it. That was what my maw said, imagine having a job and just giving it up, it was stupid. Now he was looking for another one. Oh to hell with factories I need the open air.

My maw just looked when he said that. If he wanted back to sea, that was what she was thinking. He said it if he lost his temper, Oh I am going back to sea.

Oh well go back to sea.

Yes I am going.

Well go.

I am bloody well going alright.

My maw and my da were arguing about it a lot. I kidded on I was reading a school book or else just went into the bedroom. Even if Matt was there, he did not say nothing. I was over in my grannie's and said it to her. Oh he is idle, she said, I do not like to see a man idle. If he gets a job he will be fine.

It was nay good him being home. I stayed out the road. If I still had homework I lay on the floor in the room and wrote it there. Matt kept his schoolbooks on the desk all marked at their places. He hated me using the desk and ye could not touch his books. But for ink-exercises it was no fair having to be on the floor. Yer elbow did not fit right when ye were holding yer pen, ye got smudges. Then if it was ink on the carpet my maw went off her head. I needed the desk. My maw told Matt to give me a chance for it. Latin was the worst. Ye needed two schoolbooks and were to write in real ink and watch ye did not smudge the jotter. So I needed the desk, I just needed it, so I used it, because if it was there and I needed it, how could I no, if I needed it? That was a desk for writing on. So I done it. Matt came home and caught me. He walked right in. Oh you have touched my books! Do not ever touch my books I am warning ye. You have touched my books. Do not ever touch them.

I was not touching them.

Never ever ever, he said.

But Matt I was no touching them.

Never ever. Do you hear me? I am warning you. Never ever ever.

So what never ever ever. Never never never never. I did not care about his blooming nevers or evers. I was no shaking in my shoes. No for him. What was he going to do. If he punched me, so what. I did not care, I did not care. Oh but now he grabbed me round the neck gripping me and my shirt got caught, and at the button-hole just that sound. Oh it is ripped it is ripped.

I do not blooming care if it is bloody ripped. Lucky for you I do not lose my temper, lucky for you!

I was gasping, and if he was going to punch me, if he even tried it, even if he tried it. I nearly swore at him. He swore at me. I nearly did, or else spit in his face. And he was going to punch me, nearly going to, and I shouted at him I do not know what, just shouted. He let me go and the door opened and my da marched in just the angriest ever. I shall bloody well give yez both a doing if ye do not shut up. Just shut up. Shut up! Just shut up! My da now was roaring. The two of yez, just the bloody two of yez!

Then it was to Matt. He was looking right at him, very very hard, and if Matt said something back to him, well, ye were just waiting, but Matt did not. My da turned and went back out. I had never seen him so angry, no with Matt. He did not shut the door. I went out after him but into the kitchenette, out on the balcony, and just stayed out the road.

I did not care about Matt's desk anyway. I did not want any desk. So what if I could get it after him. I did not want it after him. I was not doing any things after him. He could do after himself what he was doing, going to College or what, I did not care what he done, I did not want his stuff, nothing about it or about him. I did not care about anything about him and that school, it was his school, it was not my school, it was just bloody horrible just the bloody worstest worse it ever could be. I never saw him there. I did not look for him. Wherever he was, I did not care. So if people saw me talking to him, Oh Smith has a big brother. Maybe they would have said it, Oh who is he, is he yer big brother? But I did not see him and did not want to see him. I just walked the corridors. Where was I going. Here and there, everywhere, and late for classes. I did not see the buildings right. I did not know them. And ye came in the door and they all were looking at ye. Oh we are very glad you could make it. That was the teacher if he was sarcastic. Or they gave ye a look and nodded their head so ye knew. Oh just go to your seat Smith.

Then if it was the wrong class. I got that mixed up and the teachers gave ye angry looks. Upstairs for one period and downstairs for the next and everybody all rushing about then if it was another building. There were three buildings. So ye were walking up and down and roundabout and where was yer class? Nowhere. Five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen. So I just chucked it and missed the period. I went to the lawy and read a book.

Then what happened I was walking in the playground and the next thing I was out the gate.

That was funny. I did not mean to do it. I passed the Headmaster's Office. Ye had to pass it to get out. So I went right along the Exit Corridor and through without seeing. The jannie did not see me either. So I had done it, that was me. I went away way down the road to the railway station but no to go home because my da was there, so I just kept walking and along and down to the river and waited for the ferry. It was great seeing it come and just going over, and all the boats. Then up a river-street and going to my grannie's. I told her a fib, Oh we do not have to go till tomorrow.

My grannie smiled, she liked to see me. She sat down and was talking.

I was thinking about boasters, how people are boasters. Who was not one. Even yer grannie. She was saying about her family and how they were good people and high-up with high educations and how they all done their studies. She did not say it before. Now she did. How come? Her family did not want granda, only her. Oh you are too good for Lawrence McGuigan, he is just a working man.

She had a fiance before granda and he went away. He was her first intended. They all wanted her to marry him but he went to New Zealand to make his fortune. So he did not come back. I was glad. Who wanted him? No me, I hoped his boat sank. I was seeing my grannie when she was saying it. Her eyes were just looking, no at me. Then I saw granda. He was there too. He was. And smiling. Oh son is that her talking about me?

Aye granda.

People that were dead had ghosts. Ones that were not long dead especially, their body was still warm. Granda's was still warm. He could even be in it if he was a ghost.

My grannie had stopped talking. Usually she was at the sink and washing stuff. It was all just quiet. That happened. Ye heard a wee sound and it was like somebody. If it was my granda. Where is granda? It came in yer mind and ye looked for him. Maybe he was at the bathroom. If ye heard the plug getting pulled. Maybe it was him. Granda could not pull it good. A stupid old thing and ye had to yank it up and down. A lot of times he could not work it. He came out and banged the door. Stupid old thing. Ye heard him saying it.

Now this time he would hear her. But he would know she was just sad for him. My grannie was no really a boaster. He would just be smiling. Oh is she talking about me?

Granda could still be here if it was his ghost. It would see ye all the time. If people done stuff to ye it was him and he would be watching. But they did not do stuff to me, if they even tried it, just if they tried it. If they even thought they could.

My grannie's eyes were closed. She did not have her specs on. She sat that way and did not listen to the radio. Oh son I am just thinking about things. It was only granda that put the radio on, to hear the news. She never did. Maybe she was sleeping. But she was not. If I got up she would hear me.

I needed a forgery note for the Registration teacher, how I had a bad stomach. He was very strict and belted people, ye needed it right. My grannie had a book with all hospital stuff and names. If it was diarrhoea ye could spell it. The books were on the cupboard in the front parlour. Her writing pad was there as well. Ye done different writing for yer maw and da and signed their names. I knew how to write them. I done my grannie's too. She did printing and not writing. It was fancy and with wee twiddles on the end of the letters. I liked doing hers. I liked all the different ways people done it, straight up and down, as many ways as ye wanted. Ye could write all the names down and they all were different.

But I had to do the whole forgery note like my maw. Kieron has got diarrhoea and went home early.

Ones in that school had typewriters. Ye could do good notes with them to get off school. How come ye had to go if ye did not want to, if it was something ye hated and ye had to do it. If ye did not want to go, how come ye had to?

It was horrible. Snobs were the worst. I hated them the worst of all. If they thought ye would not fight, if ye were just a coward, they were very mistaken, if they thought I was easy. I would batter their heads in.

Imagine bringing Podgie and the boys into this school, ye could just do anything. Ye would just laugh and batter them. 5th year and 6th year too, just blooming snobs. So if Matt was there, so what. Who did he come in with, them or me? Was he a snob? Maybe he was. One of his pals was, I heard him talking and he had a snobby posh voice. That was Matt. He must have liked snobs, that was his pals. Well he could just keep them and go with them. I had my own pals and if it was my own school. I should have went there. How come I did not? Only my maw, she was just a snob, and a boaster. My da was one too but no as bad. But my grannie too. I did not know she was one but she was, if she said these things about a high-up family.

They were all snobs, everybody. Except Uncle Billy And Auntie May, she was no one either.

Auntie May was going away from grannie's house. Grannie would miss her, she liked having her. Oh she makes me laugh.

My grannie liked laughing. It was great when she did. My granda made her. Now he was away she sat on the chair a lot. She did not sit on it when he was there. My granda said, Oh wummin will ye sit down for a wee minute.

I have no time to sit down for any wee minutes.

She did not sit in granda's chair, just a wooden one. Her eyes were closed, she maybe was sleeping and her face was just well it was only just just the way it was, how she was sleeping, if she was sleeping, maybe she was not.

I got up and ben the parlour and got the writing pad and pencil and back in, seeing the door did not creak, and onto my chair, quietly, my grannie did not move. The wee cat was there and just looking at me. The other one was away, it got put to sleep. Poor old cat. That was killed, got put to sleep. Oh we got the big cat put to sleep. We just killed it, they killed it. Ye just got killed.

I went to the back pages of my grannie's writing pad and started drawing her, just how she was sitting like it was just sideways, was she going to fall a wee bit, and her elbows like that how they were just, she was just holding one, they were like they were folded a wee bit, just one arm, her elbow and wrist and just her one hand holding the other and ye saw her fingers peeping out, that was funny, how her thumb, sticking out, it was even dirty, a wee bit. My grannie did not mind being clean. My maw worried, my grannie did not. Then her knees too and her skirt, just coming out, her knees just came out, her legs down and her slippers, they were just daft ones with pom poms. Pom-pom slippers. Oh will ye look at that woman's slippers. It was not woman it was wummin. That was my granda. Look at that wummin's slippers son, ye ever seen the likes, a pair of pompom slippers.

That was how my granda talked, wummin and didnay, um nay and will nay, he did not care. My maw said that, Oh do not talk like yer grandfather. Yes but he was not a snob. My granda was not. I did not draw him, I wished I had, if I had drew him, I wished I had. I knew people but could not see their faces. I was not good from memory.

***

I went up for Billy MacGregor for a game of football and his maw answered the door. Oh are you going to a good school?

She knew I was but just said it. She did not like me going, she wished it was Billy. What I noticed was a funny thing, how she did not say my name. She used to say my name, Oh hullo Kieron, Billy is not in. But now she did not. I walked over the field with Billy and Peter Wylie but they did not talk much to me either. Boys were waiting to play. Primary 7S too. A big game was on. A lot of times the big ones let us play but if there was too many we did not get on. Catholics were there as well.

We waited to see if ones went away early then some of us got a game. Billy got took first but me second. Podgie and Peter Wylie got a game too. Gary McNab, Mitch and other ones did not except if the big boys were very short of players.

If none of us got a game we went to another bit and started a game ourselves. Some big ones had left school and worked at jobs. Men played too. Podgie's da used to when we were at Primary Some men played for real teams. One was Gerry Henderson and he played for Stirling Albion. A man called Tam McLennan had games for Celtic reserves. When they were all there we did not get playing much. If ye did ye just tried for a kick. Usually they telled ye to keep out on the wing. Just f*****g run with it and cross it over.

It was tough games and I did not like it much but if ye got playing ye just said, Aye, because it was the big boys and if they asked ye. Our own games were better to play because ye could play good. But we all liked watching the big ones. Their games were a good laugh. Sometimes they went in dead hard and ones got hurted bad and that was them, they just had to lie down and watch. They done that to the weer ones, if ye were running on the wing, they just came in and crunched ye. They done fancy stuff to show off and shouted all stupid nonsense. And about religion too. Gerry Henderson was a Pape and he was a laugh. He said stuff about True Blues. Oh I am no playing in that c**t's team, he is a bitter Bluenose b*****d, he plays a f*****g flute for the Orange Lodge.

Proddies shouted too. Oh there will be no Signs of the Cross off you ya Fenian c**t. Oh look at that f*****g rebel b*****d he is crossing himself, I am no picking him in my f*****g team, what is he the f*****g Pope.

One game they did not even pick sides. One picked up the ball and shouted, Papes versus Proddies! He booted it high up in the air like a rugby kick. So that was the game started. Everybody all was laughing. That was Papes on one side, Proddies on the other. They all just played. Papes against Proddies and it was a laugh.

I did not see who won because me and the boys went to get a game of our own but that was what I was thinking because we did not have full sides, I could have went up and got Pat and Danny and then their pals that were Catholics, we could have had a big game too. Ours was just four against four.

After that we went back to see them playing cards. Then we were just talking about stuff. No me because I did not want to. They were saying about their school and stuff and what was happening. Boys came from all over the schemes to go and there was a lot of tough stuff. There was a fight and one had a blade in his pocket. A teacher took it off him and was lucky he did not get the blade stuck in him. Gary McNab's big brother was pals with that boy and he was just a mental case. He ran about with a gang that all had motorbikes and leather jackets. The boys were talking about it, ye could go a motorbike at sixteen. Gary's brother had turned fifteen and was leaving school soon then he would get a job and save up for one. He ran about with the same gang. That was how ye said it, if one went about with people. Oh he runs about with them.

Podgie said to me, Hey Smiddy, is there any gangs in your school?

Oh aye.

What like are they?

Well I do not f*****g know them.

Are they hard? said Mitch.

Aye. No that hard but.

Do they carry?

I think some of them.

Mitch meant about blades. Gangs carried blades. I did not see them. Mitch had one but no all the time.

There was tough ones in my year but no as tough as all that. Gary's brother would just laugh, him and his pals would kill them. But Podgie and the boys too, imagine them coming to school with me, just for one day, we could walk up the school gates, maybe round the cafe. It would be a laugh.

They did not get Latin. Peter and Billy got French. I would have been in their class. Latin was a dead language of the Roman Empire. Matt got it as well. My da said it was ridiculous if it was a dead language, and if it was the Holy Roman Empire, that was RCs. He just said it for a joke. Matt was no there when he did. My maw was pleased I got Latin. Ye got it at good schools but not at other ones.

I was going to say about the Belgium boy in my class but I did not. Imagine a Catholic in yer class. But I was wanting to say it. Matt had a darkie in his, she was a lassie. I saw her, her wee sister was in the year below.

They got other stuff at their school. Woodwork. I fancied Woodwork. Podgie and them got Metalwork. Lasses got Domestic. They were in the Junior Secondary and did not get a language. And they got Arithmetic. We did not, we got Geometry and Algebra and then Logarithms. Peter and Billy got that too but the other ones did not. Podgie said, Oh we are dumbies.

Gary McNab and the Primary 7S laughed. I did not. Podgie would see if I did. He said it for me. I just knew him. Mitch said, Oh Smiddy are you still joining the Navy?

Oh aye.

I was glad he said it because how they all were looking. Mitch was going in the Army when he was seventeen. For the Navy it was seventeen as well unless it was fifteen, ye joined as a Cadet. Then after two years ye signed on for seven, or else nine. Ye got good wages.

But that was the Royal. My da telled me it was best to think about it first. If it was the Merchant Navy ye could just do voyages. He done that, Brazil or Africa, then ye got the South China Seas. It was all pirates down there then if it was Borneo and all headhunters. But he liked it. He was going back in. He said he was but my maw did not want him to. But imagine he did and I was there and on the same boat as him. Ye were just stuck in the same place. What if it was the same cabin?

Me and Mitch talked about it. If I was in the Navy and he was in the Army and it was a War on, if my boat was taking the troops to the overseas, so all the troops came on board and Mitch was one. That would be a laugh. Oh but it would be f*****g great, said Mitch. Ye would just tell people oh there is my pal.

And he would shout on me and wave over. But before that he wanted me to join the Army, the two of us could do it the gether. People done that, they just went in the same bit. Oh but you join the Navy, I said.

I would never f*****g join the Navy.

Well I would not join the f*****g Army.

Oh but Smiddy ye can go places.

Mitch always said that. He loved going on boats and swimming and all other stuff about the Navy but no if ye were there for good and it was just all the time. Because where could ye go? Even just a walk, ye could not go one. Ye could no go anywhere. That was what he hated, ye were just stuck and could not get out. And ye needed to, ye just needed to. So ye could not go anyplace, just round and round the boat, it would just be f*****g horrible, just a horrible nightmare.

I thought that too. I only said Navy. I was no meaning it. We used to say when we were weer but no much now, only sometimes and only if it was Mitch. I did not think about it if he was not there. Something else I was thinking I did not say to people, no even Mitch, because if they thought ye were a boaster, I was not a boaster. It was just how if I could play football, play for a real team. Maybe I could. Billy was the one people said. But how no me too? When we got a game with the big ones they picked him first but it was me second. That was me before Podgie. They picked me instead. Podgie hated it. It did not mean I was better than him. But maybe it did. Podgie was a good tackier but he just kicked people. So people gave him the ball so they would not get kicked. Podgie came in on the tackle so they just kicked the ball away. They were feared. But that was our games, no the big Sunday ones. Podgie could not go in and boot the big boys. They just booted him back, and they done it sorer.

Oh but Billy had a great great shot. How did he do it? How can some kick it hard and other ones cannot? Maybe their leg does it quicker, just boom, or if it is a thick leg. Even at the good school and that stupid daft game out in the playground. Ones there could really belt that wee ball, they just thudded it so really hard, McEwan, how did he do it? I tried to but could not do it good. Except if it was dropping down, just bouncing, then ye could.

Imagine Billy in that playground game. What if he came and played. Maybe he would not be so good. Ye could not be good in that game, too many were running about. Really, it was just's***e. Billy was a good runner too but maybe I was faster. But he was a great dribbler. But then passing, he was just great at passing. The big ones said that. Oh wee Billy is a great passer of a ball. When they picked sides they picked him first among all us. They even picked him before some big ones. I saw them doing it. Billy was just the best player. But they picked me second of the wee boys and people saw it. I was not boasting, they just done it.

***

There was not much fighting at the good school except football in the playground if somebody booted ye so ye booted them back or went in hard and they just swiped at ye. Or else rugby, if they stuck their arms out and shoved ye so if ye shoved them back or in the scrum somebody punched ye.

We got rugby practice. Ye picked the ball up and threw it back the way, ye ran forward but threw it back. Some boys knew about rugby. I did not, and other ones. Ye ran about if it was windy, or else if it was not ye just stood still and were freezing. Big ones were good at it, fat ones leaned on top of ye. The old PE teacher liked rugby better than football and wanted us to play it. Ye aye got muddy falling down. Some just stayed out the way. I was one except I was no a bad runner. The teacher shouted at me to carry the ball, run with it, get to the byline and leave it on the ground behind the goal, and that counted as a goal. One boy was a fast runner and knew how to do it. Hannah. Oh tackle him, tackle him.

Ye were to dive on top of him but he was good at it and shoved everybody out the road. If it was football it was a foul but rugby ye could shove them, even if it was a slap, I went to tackle him and he slapped me.

Oh f**k off!

I shouted at him loud and people all heard. But Hannah just ran away and got the goal.

The teacher did not give me a row for swearing but then I was passing him and he said, Oh Smith, next time tackle him.

Hannah would have beat me at fighting. He was one of the best fighters. But if ye tackled him he did not fight, he did not care, and not about me swearing at him. Oh it is just a game. The teacher said, There will be no fighting. If there is any fighting to be done it is me that will do it.

He got angry at ones that did not play right, if ye did not try. Oh rugby is a man's game. Be a man, be a man!

He ran beside ye when ye were running. Keep going Smith keep going. I thought he was going to tackle me but he did not. Oh keep going keep going. I just ran fast to score a goal. And him shouting at ye, Oh do not throw it do not throw it!

Ye were just to put it down then dive on top of it. But with some big ones, ye went to tackle them and they just shoved ye away easy. But the way the good ones tackled you was diving. That was big Brogan and Hannah, they just dived in and grabbed ye. A boy called Stewart was running with the ball and big Brogan came to get him. Stewart looked over and saw him and just threw the ball away. The PE teacher made him pick it up and run with it again and then tackled him, the teacher did, he tackled Stewart. Then he got up and was angry again because his tracksuit trousers were completely mud, mud mud right through them. See what you made me do Stewart!

That made Stewart scareder and ye felt sorry for him.

If the ball came and ye dribbled it like football the teacher hated it. Even if ye kicked it past everybody and ran up to score a goal, he just hated it. That is not rugby.

Most people did not like rugby. The Belgium boy got a note from his parents. The teacher tore the note up. Oh then just stay in the dressing room.

So the Belgium boy had to stay in the dressing room and the teacher locked the door so he could not get out.

But what he done, his homework!

He just finished it. Ye got off the rugby. I could do a forgery note from my mother. Please sir could Kieron be excused from rugby practice, so then ye just done yer homework.

Boys done forgery stuff with railway passes. I saw them on the train. The names and dates were on the green cards. Ink from biro pens was best but no for matching. That was fountain pens and black ink but ye had to watch because it smudged easy. Some things were good for changing. A 1 to a 4, a 2 to a 4, a 2 to a 9. Then if it was September to November, December. January to February. Other ones looked hard. The best thing was razor blades. My grannie kept my granda's. Ye got one and scraped out the real date. Ye done it light so ye did not tear the card. If ye scraped too much it showed white and the railway porters would know Then if the ink blotted.

But if ye done it good they did not see it. The railway porters were in a rush and did not look at them. But if they saw the forged one they grabbed it off ye, wrote down yer name and address.

It was okay for me if it was Pat's da, he collected tickets at the station. When ye got off the train and it was him standing at the gate ye just walked through and he winked at ye and did not look. But if it was another one he did look so ye had to have the pass to show him.

I was going to do it. My maw gave me the money for the pass every week. If I done it I could keep the money and save it up. I could just go and do anything and what else? Anything just I wanted, if it was my money. So it was nothing to do with them. No even my da.

There was a cafe near the school station and people went to it but it was dear to sit in with drinks or else a roll and sausage, but if ye had money it was great. The boy called McEwan went with his pals. One was in my class. He looked over but did not talk to me. They had a jukebox for the Top Twenty. Lasses went as well. People just talked to them. I was in it one time and a lassie from iC dropped a spoon and I picked it up and gave her it. Oh thanks, she said, just quiet.

I hoped she would not know I was in iG. Then my nose how if ye looked at one side it was okay but the other side was not, just squinty. Ye wanted lasses to see it the good way, but I did not care, no in that school.

A woman teacher hit a boy on the ear and knocked off his specs. She was giving him the strap. She was young and with a quiet voice and looked over yer shoulder when ye were writing. She came behind ye and had on perfume. I could not hear her and wondered if she was still there and then just very very quiet ye heard her breathing. I stopped writing to look round and see.

Oh please carry on with your work.

The boy that she done it to, she held the tips of his fingers in her left hand and then swung the strap down but she could not do it right. Her shoulder went up and down in a funny way. The strap went way out and ye knew it was going to miss but then it hit his ear. People were talking about it. If that boy's father got lawyers to the teacher because what if it bashed the glass and splinters went in his eye. She should be sacked from her job. If they got lawyers, lawyers would just sack her. What if that boy went blind?

Others teachers missed ye as well, or if it just hit the very tips of yer fingers, but it was sore and stung ye. Our Registration teacher was good at giving the strap. Other ones hit ye up the wrist but no him. If he caught ye writing forgery notes it was the strap. For persistent absence some sent ye to the Headmaster but he did not, just belted ye. All the teachers were posh and so was he, McKinnon, with curly hair and a red face. Some let ye away with things but no him. He liked the Bible and gave ye prayers. Usually Registration lasted ten minutes then ye went to yer first class but on Fridays it was a real class except ye got Religion. Ye had to read verses and memorize bits while he marked up the Attendance Register for the week. He asked ye questions. The Pharisees and the Sea of Galilee. Who entered and passed through Jericho. The Lord Jesus. And who was hiding up a tree. Zacchaeus, son of Abraham. Was he a rich man or a poor man? Then if anybody could say a verse. And the second one came, saying, Lord, thy pound hath gained five pounds.

If you did not get the answer right he did not tell ye it, just moved on to the next person. People gave the answers. Even ones that acted tough. The Registration teacher did not speak much. Ye went to his desk to give him a sick letter and ye had to stand there when he read it. Ye got a sore stomach. He finished and stared at ye. He did not know if ye had made it all up. He never asked ye. Oh but you were to tell him. That look he done at ye, right in at yer eyes. And ye were to say it to him, Please sir it was not my mother it was me, I wrote the letter.

That was what he wanted. People said stuff to him then got the strap. Ye knew ye were to get it. Ye walked to the middle of the floor. He got the strap out his desk. It was rolled up. Ye were to hold out yer hands. He did not tell ye to, except if ye could not do it. Ye wanted to keep yer hands in yer pockets and see what he would say, but ye did not. He just waited for ye to hold yer hands out and be ready, then he saw ye were ready and Wham, Wham, Wham. Some were too scared to hold out their hand and were greeting even before he done it. He waited for them to stop but if they could not stop he just said, Come on now, and usually they did.

He hit ye on one hand or he hit ye on two. Ye crossed yer hands for two. He done it in an order so ye knew what it was, one smack for a wee thing, two smacks if it was more, then three then four and then it was six. Nobody got five. Four was bad, yer hand went past the stinging stage to numb. Six was for the worst. Nobody got it in my class. McEwan did. He was in iF so the Registration teacher was not even his teacher.

People talked about McEwan. Ye wondered what he got the belt for, maybe if it was stealing. McEwan stole stuff. Everybody knew it. But if it was stealing he would have got expelled. People said that too. I waited to hear what he got the belt for but nobody said.

After the Registration teacher belted ye ye were to return to yer desk. People were holding their wrists and blowing into their hands, Aaahh, aahh. Or else if ye were greeting. Some teachers wanted ye to rub yer hands and look like it was horrible agony. I would just have laughed at them. But that made it worse. Blind impudence. One teacher said that, Oh this is blind impudence.

The Registration teacher put the strap back in the desk and if ye were rubbing yer hands he stared at ye till ye remembered to go back to yer desk. Ye got one, two, three or four. No many posh ones got strapped. People said lasses did not get the belt but one did, Effie Stewart, and it was the worst ever. She was a big girl and acted tough. Ye thought she would greet when he gave her it but she did not. He gave her two. They were hard ones. That was how he done it.

She walked fast to her desk after he strapped her. Even it looked cheeky the quick walk she done. Then she sat down and stuck her tongue out. But it was no at him. She was looking down at the desk, her hands up at her head and her head bended over. Her eyes were shut and her tongue poking out. How come? Was she greeting? I could not see proper but then did. Just how her head was and her hands up at her eyebrows, just smoothing them, smoothing them, her fingers just doing it. Nobody was looking at her. I just was because I was near her and was wanting to see, just to see. I did not know if she was greeting. Her head was bent over and her tongue poking out, just poking out. It went on a long while. Ye thought if she was sleeping but she wasnay, I knew she wasnay. I got an angry feeling. It was in my stomach and coming up my throat so I was gulping to stop it, what it was, I do not know, if I was going to greet or something, or what, and my stomach. It was not greeting. I thought it was, that I was going to but it was not. Then ye were just wanting away. People quite liked the Registration teacher. Oh he is fair, he only straps ye if ye deserve it. But no now, hitting a lassie, imagine hitting a lassie, that is what I thought, ye just wanted to batter him, if ye were a man, ye would have battered him, he was just a rotten c**t, I f*****g hated him.

Another one went on and on about stuff that was nothing to do with the class and acted tough with everybody. Oh he has got a mental age of three. A boy said that about him, a mental age of three. Ye thought he was going to smack ye on the back of the head. He walked up the passage and stared at ye with big eyes and raised his hand as if to do it, then just pulled at his ear. People said what they would do if he ever tried it, their father would get lawyers. He was a big man. I thought about how ye would get him if it was me and the boys were there, even just Mitch. One could spit in his face then he was wiping himself and the two of ye just jump him. Ye could pick up something and batter him with it. Ye would just keep out his clutches. He had great big hands and if he skelped ye ye would feel it. He had hands bigger than my da, if he hit ye ye would fly across the room.

The girls did not like him. He said to one, Oh you are just a smelly little girl.

He had two wee daughters of his own and told stories about all stuff. People asked him stupid questions because he forgot the lessons and just said stories. He told one about daft people. Boys were tapping their heads at him. I did not, because what if he was daft? Ye had to watch it with daft people if ye were making a fool of them. What if they caught ye doing it? Back in the old place a daftie stayed at the top of my street and guarded his close. He did not let ye in unless ye stayed up the stair. If ye ran through he tried to whack ye. People done it to get chases off him but if he caught ye it was sore. One time he gripped my arm very tight and slapped me on the face. I was not the worst but he could not catch the big boys, his fingers pressing in my arm. My maw was angry but my grannie knew about the man. Oh he is just simple, she said. We had them in the scheme too so ye were careful.

This story the teacher telled was just stupid, a grown-up family with two women that were old. They were sisters and had long straggly hair with white faces and red red lips. People were feared of them. Wee ones used to shout at them but they stopped it. Then they were elderly people and at death's door. One day they went to the shops for messages. The teacher passed by and saw them at a lamp-post looking this way and that. How come?

Oh they are waiting for a bus, a man said, making a joke. But it looked like the two old sisters were. They had been to the shops and their messages were lying at their feet. Ye wondered would they walk on and forget about them. What would happen if they did and left their messages lying. So if ye were a Christian what would ye do. Would ye lift up the messages and steal them, or else take them to their house. Would ye just leave them there. Would somebody else come along and steal them. What if they were a Christian. What if ye had no money. What if yer maw and da had none and ye needed these messages for yerself. There was no food in yer house. Would ye take them and give them to yer maw. Or else give them to the cops to feed the poor, if the poor was needy and wanted them. The teacher said about his little daughter, that was what she wanted to do, Oh daddy if we can give the messages to the poor.

The teacher thought how right she was and was proud of her for such a little girl. But instead of doing that he just picked up the messages and brought them to the two sisters' house. That was the wisest course of action. The stories went on and on and made ye late for the next class but they were better than the lessons.

Some teachers ye thought what things they taught just by looking at them. Latin teachers and Maths teachers were the same, then English teachers and History teachers, and Geography teachers and Maths teachers too. Some tried to be funny all the time or made a joke against ye. One boy in the class was good at being cheeky and he done it so the teacher did not know, but then he wondered and ye saw him looking but the boy acted like it was not anything. Then he came out and said something else and it was nearly total cheeky except it was not, just in no more. The teacher was waiting if it would go further but the boy just smiled. He talked very posh and his da was something like a dentist or an architect, that was how ye could see the teacher. If it was me or other ones he did not care at all but that boy he did.

There was none of them I liked. Except counting PE teachers, Mr Ramsay, he played football for a team down in England. We did not get football much. He took us when we did. Usually he just reffed the games. But if it was before the game and he passed the ball ye could see how he done it. He hardly even touched the ball and it done what he wanted. If he booted it hard nobody could have stopped it. He had on football shorts so ye could see it with his legs, how they were just so thick, but no fat and white, just brown as if he was just back his holidays. Then his bulge, it was a very big bulge, people talked about it, Oh he must have a big dick. Ye thought how that would be if it was you if ye were a man. Ye would just do what ye wanted. Nobody would say anything. Ye would have a laugh. And then if ye were playing for a big team and if it was against teams from Europe maybe if it was Italy or Spain and Real Madrid and ye got the ball and it was out on the wing, the ball coming to ye, right up in the air and ye just caught it on yer foot and let it bounce once then ye just hit it round the defender, right between his legs and running onto it, and to the byline and cutting in and people thinking Oh he is going to cross it but ye do not, ye just zoom it right into the net, a beauty, what a goal.

He never talked to people except, You go there and You go there, and everybody done what he wanted. It was just because of football, ye knew he was a very good player. People liked the old PE teacher as well but he was no a real football player, he just hit the ball the same way and did not hit it with all the different bits and that was Mr Ramsay, he could just hit it any way, just how he wanted.

***

Milkboys were loaded. It was the tips that done it. Ye did not worry about the wages. And ye got stuff too. If ye wanted milk ye just drank it and said it was a leaky bottle. Then if a woman came out the house to see if there was any spare milk you just selled her a bottle and did not tell the milkman, ye kept the money to yerself. Gary's big brother had the best clothes and the best style and haircuts. If ye had clothes like that ye would feel good. A milkboy was the best job. Out them all. Ye started dead early and then were finished for the day Ye were out the house at five in the morning and back in the house for eight then yer breakfast, a sausage piece or else fried egg. Then Friday night ye collected yer money and made yer tips.

When Gary's brother left school he got his milkboy job. I went with him to see if I could get one too. The man was there that drove the milklorry. I waited for Gary to say about me. But he did not, he just jumped up and climbed in the cabin. The door was open and I was looking at him but he did not say nothing, he just was laughing, no at me but just because of the lorry, that was him and he was up sitting in it, he was just laughing, he forgot me. I had never been on a lorry and not much in a motor car except my granda's funeral. Oh Gary! I shouted up at him.

He waved out the window to me. I ran round the front of the lorry and shouted to the man, Oh mister! Mr!

Aye what is it son?

Any chance of a job?

Naw, sorry.

So that was me. He just drove away. I saw Gary the next time and he said, Tough luck, maybe ye will get one later.

He had fags and we smoked one. But I knew I would not get a job later. I would never get one. That was just me, if it was Fate, I did not f*****g care. I said it to Gary and he laughed but really it was no funny, it was all just hopeless, if ye thought about Gary and his brother and me and mine, and then if it was jobs or what ye had, what things happened to ye. People were lucky in their life with Fate but I was not. People got stuff. I never. Gary said, Oh if a job comes I will tell ye.

But I knew he would not, it was Podgie he would tell. I did not care. I did not care about Gary and them and just whatever, they could just do it, I did not care. Except if I had got the job. Imagine I did. If I did. I would just be f*****g shouting, shouting and laughing. If anybody saw me they would be looking. Oh what is up with Smiddy?

But I did not get a job. I would never. It would just be other ones. Then Mitch telled me about one he was getting. Mitch. He was even to get one. His big sister's boyfriend knew a man that drove a van to do with deliveries. He was talking for Mitch. Oh it is my big sister's boyfriend, he is talking for me.

He is talking for me. People said that for a job. So if ye were fifteen and could leave school, people talked for ye and ye got a job, or if it was yer apprenticeship, ye got yer apprenticeship, people talked for ye. My da said that too, Ye need somebody to talk for ye.

Nobody talked for him. He did not get a job. Then if he did it was no a good one. Oh I will join the Masons, that was what my da said. I telled my grannie and she said, Oh they will no let him in but they will let in you.

Because my granda was one. They would not let my da in the Masons but for me and Matt we could get in because we were blood. And then we would get a job easy. But only when we were twenty-one. It did not matter for milkboy jobs.

Just if somebody talked for ye. But they did not talk for me, just other ones. So there was Gary and now Mitch. People got stuff but I did not, I did not get stuff. Other people did. I did not. And if they got it they did not want it. That was even my brother. He got a job and then just chucked it after one week. People that wanted jobs did not get them, just them that did not.

Then it was Mitch! He was saying it too. Just how he did not fancy it. How come? What was he saying? He did not fancy the job. He might not even take it, if he got it, if the people gave him the job, he might no even take it. Oh but I might no take it. That was what he said. No take the delivery job. He was meaning that. He could get a job and was not going to take it.

Oh but Mitch, I said, it would be great.

Aye but.

Oh see if it was me!

Aye but I do not fancy it.

Oh f**k I would do it.

Aye but Smiddy ye have to go all the time. If ye do not they f*****g sack ye.

Do ye work Saturdays?

I do not know.

Oh Mitch take it.

Maybe.

Oh f**k it would be great. Getting yer own wages, it would just be yer own money. Oh ye have to do it.

Oh but Smiddy.

Oh no ye have to. Ye just have to. I would f*****g do it with ye.

Would ye?

Aye.

Well maybe I will.

Oh Mitch for f**k sake take it.

Well if you do it with me.

Oh of course, just of course, of course. Oh for f**k sake Mitch if it is a job! Oh f**k sake.

Mitch was laughing. You are f*****g mental ya c**t.

F**k sake Mitch.

I just ran hame after that but who to tell, nobody Nobody.

When ye walked to the subway from my grannie's street there was good shops for clothes and I was seeing them for if I got a job, just if I did and could save money. I would be able to. Then I could just buy my stuff. Great shirts, jeans, jerkins and trousers, casual shirts too and smart jackets, and denhim jackets. Just the best denhim jackets and that was what I wanted, one with big inside pockets and they would be great for keeping stuff and how they just looked good, I just liked them. My maw did not. She said I was not to get them. But if it was my money? I would just get them. I said it but she just got angry.

Matt laughed, Ye should not blab. You always blab.

I was just saying to her.

Yes but ye should not. Once ye get a job ye just go and do it, do not tell people. You tell people everything.

I do not.

Yes ye do. Just go and buy it.

But I cannot because I have no got any money.

Well what are ye talking about?

Just when I get a job.

Oh, okay.

It is a denhim jacket, a beauty.

A denhim jacket. Matt laughed. If ye wore that to school they would send ye home.

Oh well good.

Yes ye say that now.

I will say that all the time.

Okay.

I will say it all the time.

Good.

Imagine no letting ye wear a denhim jacket to school. That is just stupid.

Yes.

So if they send ye home for wearing one. I think I would wear it. Then if they sent me home, that would be good, I would be glad. So if ye got out of school, who wants to go there anyway. I would just wear it.

Matt shifted round on his seat at the desk so he would not see me. I was in bed and it was time for the light out but he was wanting to read more. I did not mind. But if I read a book I fell asleep. It was because it was schoolbooks. If I could just read an ordinary book. But if I did I still fell asleep. I was too tired. If I wanted to read a book I done it in the kitchenette so I stayed awake. Sometimes I read it in the living room but if the television was on my da did not like me doing it. He gave grumpy looks. How come, if I was just reading a book. What was wrong with that, if the telly was on. I did not tell him to turn it down. I did not care. I just read the book. My head went in it and I did not hear the telly. I did not care about it.

Matt thought the same as me, he never read in the living room. It was just dad, how he took things like that, as if ye were making him feel bad. I was not. I did not care if he watched the telly, I just wanted to read my book. The telly was boring, I did not care about it. In books ye got anything ye liked. But it was his telly, his and my maw's. She backed him up. Then he backed up her.

That was it with the clothes, because when I got a job. My maw went on and on about it. She did not like it because if I had money I could just do what I thought. So if it was to buy clothes, if it was my pay and my money, well I could just save up and spend it. I could buy what I wanted, if it was new jeans and a denhim jacket, so what. Oh it is just hooligan clothes, it is hooligans who dress like that. That was my maw.

But if it is my job and my money.

It does not matter.

If it is my money? Well if it is I can buy any stuff.

Kieron!

How no? If it is my money.

Do not be so daft, said my da.

But dad it is not daft. What if I am going to places like the pictures or else to a cafe? Even just walking about. I need my own clothes, outside clothes.

The police will lift ye if ye walk about looking like that, denhim jackets and jeans.

How come?

It is hooligan clothes.

How come?

Because ye are wearing them.

Aye but if I am no doing anything?

Ye know fine well what I mean.

Your dad is right. If you wear clothes like that then you are a boy from the streets, they are just street clothes.

Yes but mum if ye wear them on the street, so that is you on the street, so they are street clothes. What is wrong with that? They are not house clothes.

Do not be cheeky to yer mother.

I am no being cheeky.

Yes you are, said my maw.

No I am no.

No you are not.

No I am not.

Kieron do not be so cheeky.

I am no being cheeky.

You are not being cheeky.

I am not being cheeky.

Ye bloody well are, said my da. Ye are no too big for a skelp, just you remember that.

But I was too big for a skelp. My da would not have hit me. If he did I would just have done something, I would have done something, I do not know what. They could not do anything about my clothes, no if it was my money and I got it from my job, and I was going to.

Oh what about that nice boy? said my maw, I never hear you talking about him.

Who?

You heard, said my da.

That nice boy, said my maw.

I do not know who you mean?

He was in your Geography class.

Richard Carslake, said my da. My da always remembered his name. So did my maw, but she kidded on she did not. But it was Geometry and not Geography.

Are you still friends with him? said my maw.

No.

That is a shame.

Mum I was not friends with Motorpuddle, he is just a stupid boaster.

His name is Carslake and he is a nice boy.

Just because he is posh, that is how you like him. Ye have never met him.

Kieron do not be cheeky.

I am not being cheeky.

Yes you are.

I am not.

You are.

He just tells fibs all the time, just all stupid nonsense.

Oh do not talk like that, it is not nice.

Mum he is a snobby boaster and tells fibs. I am not pals with him. He is not pals with me and I am not pals with him.

Well who is yer pals? said my da.

Pardon?

You heard. Who is yer pals?

Well ye know them, I said, if it is my pals, Billy and Mitch and Peter and Gary, and Podgie.

My da looked at me then turned his head.

You know what your dad means, said my maw.

My pals?

If you have friends in school.

Oh.

But I knew that. My da was a snob too. He was holding up the paper, kidding on he was reading it. That was what he done. But he listened to everything. I did not say any names. They were not meaning my real pals, just ones from the good school. I went one time to Motorpuddle's house and they loved hearing about it. But it was just lies and stupid nonsense. It was to play football at a park near his house, a real football pitch. But there was not a game, he was just a snobby boaster and was lying. He stayed in a big house and his da did a good job. For my maw everything had to be posh. That was how she liked him and when I went up for him. Oh you will be a guest, you will need to act like one.

But mum it is just for a game of football.

Oh but if he takes ye into his house. You will have to behave properly. Do not say umnay didnay and willnay. Please do not. And say bathroom if it is the bathroom, do not say lavatory.

Ye might get yer tea, said my da. He was laughing. A big juicy steak with mushrooms and chips.

That was my da, all just food and dinners. It was stupid. Motorpuddle was a liar. Liar was a bad word in my house and ye could not say it. And if it was about him, oh they loved him. He stayed up an old building, one storey up with fancy walls and painted windows. It was the same as the one near the railway lane where they had grass out in the backcourt and wee flowers roundabout. Anybody could steal them. Grass was in the middle where the women hung out their clothes and inside the house it was all different and giant big ceilings. I had to take my shoes off and go into the lounge. It was him said it. Oh you will have to take off your shoes to go into the lounge.

My maw had to hear about it, lounge. His young sister was there and just lying on the carpet. His da was there too. His mother was out at the shops. Oh this is a friend from school.

His da shook hands with me. His young sister did not look up. I was to sit on the couch. Motorpuddle lied beside her. It was a children's picture on television about farm animals, they were owned by a farmer who did not like them and wanted to sell them to the butcher. Just a complete children's picture. There was a clock up on the mantelpiece. I was waiting for him to say about the football. It just went on and on. The end came and I got up to go to the toilet. He came to show me. I said, Are we going to play football?

No, there is not a game today.

How come?

Oh it is just cancelled.

There was not a game. It was all just stupid nonsense. He thought he was big because it was me, he thought he could do stuff and I would be too scared or what, just because he was posh and I was not, if I would not batter him, but I would have battered him, if he thought he could do things to me. I hated him and just showing off all the time. Other ones too. Then f*****g homework. I did not f*****g care about f*****g homework. They put their hand up to answer and said it if the teacher telled them. Oh please come out and demonstrate. It is triangles and two sides for the equation. They went out and done it because the teacher said it. Oh 6a equals x minus 1Z if it is multiplied by 2Z. The teacher gave them the chalk and they wrote it on the blackboard. Imagine doing that. Maybe Matt done it too, he was good at mathematics. I was glad, because I was not. So if he went to College, I was glad and if it was his desk, he could just take the desk, I did not want it, I was not going to College, I had my own pals.

***

I wanted my own delivery run. If the driver saw I was doing it good with Mitch, maybe he would give me one. I hoped that. He could do his and I could do mine so the two of us would have our money. It would be great, all just for yerself and what ye wanted to spend it on, ye could just spend it on anything. I needed the job. I needed it.

The deliveries went to people out in a new scheme. It was a big long walk over the field and up the hill and away round past the old Squatters' Camp, away way past. My da thought it was good but my maw did not, if it interfered with my lessons. But if it was two doing it we would just run round and get home fast and it would not interfere.

The man brought the deliveries to the corner of the first street. Ye filled yer bags and he gave ye the delivery sheets. Ye had yer own streets and yer own customers. Other boys had theirs. He gave ye the sacks to keep in the house. Ye were supposed to go home after school and get them to go back out again but I did not, I just took them to school and went straight to the job. Ye had to be there at twenty-five to five. He was waiting but only for five minutes. If ye did not come he went away and took stuff to other boys then came back at five to five. He waited five minutes again. If ye were no there that second time he did not come back till half past five. After that ye were finished and ye just had to go and see the boss.

The first day I got off the train from school and went straight from the railway station to meet the van. I had the delivery sacks inside my school bag. I had two and Mitch had two. But Mitch still had not come and the driver was waiting. He thought I was Mitch and was a wee bit angry Oh for f**k sake son, I cannot give ye nay f*****g parcels.

Oh but mister.

What is yer f****›g name?

Kieron Smith.

Kieron Smith. Are ye a Fenian b*****d?

No. I am Mitch's pal. We are doing the deliveries the gether.

Well I am f*****g sorry but I cannot give ye the f****rs. The boss goes off his head if ye do something like that. I was telled to give the stuff to a c**t called Mitchell. If you are not Mitchell ye do not f*****g get them.

Oh but that is Mitch, he is my pal. It will be fine, honest. He just went to get his sacks. I have got mines here.

I brought them out my school bag to show him.

Oh f**k. He took off his bunnet and scratched his head. His hair was all flattened down. He looked at his watch. F**k it, he said, and started giving me the parcels. I was putting them in my two sacks but then there was no much room left. Oh for f**k sake, he said, and was looking at his watch. Where is that wee c**t?

He is just coming. If ye give me them I can carry them in the close and just wait for him. He will be here in a minute.

I cannot f*****g do that, I telled ye.

How no?

How no! What if some c**t f*****g robs ye?

Oh but they will not.

How do you know?

Oh because they would not. I would not f*****g let them. Oh mister come on, I can just wait for him.

The driver closed his eyes. He did not want to do it. But if I brought all the deliveries in the first close then he could just drive away and no have to come back again. So that was good for him. So he waited a wee minute then just done it. I stuffed the two sacks full and carried them into the close and walked back for the next load, just to carry them and put them beside the sacks. He shouted at me. For f**k sake man hurry up. And never you leave yer f*****g sacks lying about, there is aye some c**t watching. And it is you pays the losses.

What?

It is you pays the f*****g losses.

Me?

You, aye, who the f**k else? What do ye think the f*****g boss will pay it for ye! It is you. You pay.

But if it is not my fault?

What ye f*****g talking about man if you leave them lying, and some c**t lifts them! Of course it is your f*****g fault.

Aye but if I do not know?

Well ye f*****g should know, it is your f*****g deliveries.

Aye but.

Nay aye buts just do not let them out yer sight.

I carried all the parcels into the close and he tooted his horn and drove away. His name was Freddy and he was the worst swearer ever. I could not have told my maw. She would just have I do not know what. She would not have liked it. But he did not mind if ye swore back and ye were just to call him his name, Freddy Some adults did not like ye calling their name and if ye swore, even if they swore at you. And it was the same with fags, he did not mind if ye were smoking but just asked ye for a fag. You are too young to smoke, give it to me. But he did not like giving you one. But ye felt good working with him. He just talked to ye that way, oh man, f**k sake man f*****g c**ts.

I sat down on the steps to read my school lessons for tomorrow. People were passing along the pavement, lasses too.

Teachers gave ye preparation to do. Ye were to look at pages for stuff and to memorize. It was freezing sitting there. I put the sacks beside me and they were warm.

A paperboy came fast in the close, taking papers out his bag while he went. He passed by folding a newspaper, shoved it through the first letterbox then ran up the stair two at a time. Then was jumping back down and out the close, walking fast to the next one. That was good about newspapers, just folding them up and shoving them through the letterbox. Most parcels were too thick to go through, ye had to chap the door and give it to the person.

I hated sitting there. Mitch was just too late. I could have been away doing the deliveries and getting finished. I brought out the delivery sheets and looked through them. I saw the names and the close numbers and how it all worked, who was to get parcels on such and such a night and then how the parcels checked against their numbers on the sheet. I checked the parcels for the first close. I could just do them. I could just run up fast.

So I did. I ran up and gave them in, and ran back down. Nobody knocked nothing. I would have heard them come in the close. Except if they crept in quiet, if it was a real sneaky robber, then went out the back close.

I looked at my school exercises again but it was freezing sitting on the stairs and my feet and my bum got pins and needles.

Mitch took ages. When he came I had the stuff ready to go into his sacks. I telled him all how we done it with the delivery sheets. He had a fag and sat down for a smoke. Oh come on, I said, smoke it when we go.

F**k sake Smiddy I have been walking for f*****g miles, I need a wee seat.

Well I can just start. You can catch up.

F**k sake.

Well I have been f*****g waiting.

Well I have been f*****g walking.

Me and Mitch did not fight much but now we were. It was no fighting but just an argument, a wee one, but the two of us were looking. It was funny The school I went to was miles and miles away in the town. Ye needed a train there and back. The one Mitch went to was just a walk. But I was quicker. But his was a long long walk. Him and the boys done it the gether, so it took ages. If he went himself it would be better. I said it to him. Do not wait for Podgie and them, just go quick yerself.

But Mitch did not say he would. He just smoked his fag, passed me it for a limit. I took one draw and passed it back. I went and looked out the back then out the front, just looking. What time was it? When did we finish, when did we get our tea and if we had homework. I did not like waiting it was just f*****g horrible. And how come Mitch did not bother, he did not bother. I hated waiting.

Usually ye done a delivery run yerself or got a wee boy to help ye. But no two the same age like me and Mitch because it was no big money and ye had to split it. Then the tips. Some customers were good tippers and other ones were no. Some did not tip at all. Ye went all week with their stuff and they did not tip ye. Mitch said, F**k them, I am not giving them their stuff.

But that was daft, ye had to give them their stuff. That was just Mitch. I said to Freddy the driver about the tips. He told us some customers did not tip ye every week but just saved it up and gave ye a big one for yer Christmas and Ne'erday.

Friday was the collecting night. Friday was when people got paid. It was the best night for getting the money. But then we done it and were short of money. How come? I did not know. Neither did Mitch. Maybe people had not paid him. I said it to him, Did people no pay ye?

Oh aye, that c**t up the last close. I have to come back and get it.

Well what is their name?

Oh it is up number fourteen, I know them.

But he did not. He forgot who it was and then other ones too. Or if they gave him the wrong money. We counted it all up and it was wrong, it was all just wrong. We walked away down to the office and the boss counted it all again and done sums on the paper. Oh there are big losses, he said. Have ye no got anything more?

No.

Oh ye must have something.

We have no got nothing.

But what is that in yer pockets?

That is my tips, I said.

Yer tips! The boss looked over at another man that worked there. He forgot about his tips. Get them out, he said, get them out.

So me and Mitch had to put everything all out and he counted it. Good tips, he said. But ye still owe me money. I will just have to deduct it.

And it was off our wages. But even when he done it there was still no enough money. So he took what we owed him from next week too. So we would not get any wages for next week, except just tips. I was angry and so was Mitch. Mitch was going to get him. He was going to hide behind the trees and fling a brick at him. It was just daft and I telled him no to. He will know it is us, I said.

Well I will f*****g puncture his tyres.

Oh but he will just f*****g sack us and get the cops.

There was a cop station no faraway The boss knew them. Some Fridays ye went into his office and cops were there having a smoke or else drinking a cup of tea. A lot of boys did not go in when they were there. Mitch was one.

But it was not just his fault with the money. People tried to cheat ye. It happened to milkboys and paperboys too. People kidded on they paid ye and they did not. Because they were grown-ups, so they could get away with it. Ye knew it was lies and had to say it to them. Oh missis sorry but ye did not pay because I wrote it in the book and the boss has it as well.

I telled Mitch. Ye just had to say stuff. He did not like to. He got a red face and then telled me. Oh she would not pay me Smiddy, I am going to f*****g break her windows.

We have to get her money but.

She would not f*****g give me it.

Well but we have got to get it.

But Smiddy she would not f*****g give me it.

Well I am going to ask for it.

Oh but she will no give ye it.

But it is our money so she f*****g better, I said because I just got angry too because if it was our money and she was just stealing, that was what I thought. So I just went up and chapped her door and said it to her. Oh missis you did not pay for yer deliveries because the boss told us and wrote down yer name.

I did so pay.

No ye did not.

Oh but I did.

No missis you did not. I said it to the boss tonight when he was talking to the cops and I just told him when all the names were there. Look, see, and your name is down, it was me that wrote it, look.

And then I showed her where her name was written down and how much it was. The woman just got grumpy but she paid it because she knew she had to because if it was the cops and she was just lying. Ye just knew she was lying.

Mitch did not like me telling him stuff. But if it was our money. If ye worked all week and ye did not get anything, no even yer tips, just nothing. Well it is no my fault, he said.

Well it is no mine either. Ye just have to watch it Mitch, if they are f*****g lying. Ye just tell them. We have just got to else we do not get our wages.

Oh f**k, I would just f*****g batter them.

Aye but no if it is a woman.

Well but if she is f*****g cheating us.

Aye but Mitch if it is a woman.

He did not like me saying it but I had to and the same a lot of Fridays because when the money did not add up and if it was him to blame, it was the ones he collected.

But if it was just me I liked Friday night. I liked collecting. Ye got yer tips when ye done it right and all people came to the door, lasses too, and ye were just there and saw them all.

But other days Mitch still came late. I took his sacks to school with me so I could get it ready for when he came. Then I started doing it myself, because even five minutes and I could do two closes. Easy. One night I was away doing the fifth when he came and he had to catch up. Oh f**k Smiddy, you should wait.

But I was just sitting.

Aye but it is no fair if you are doing it all.

Oh but I do not f*****g mind.

Aye but f**k sake Smiddy it is my job and if you are f*****g doing it.

Well but if I am sitting doing nothing.

How can ye no wait? Just wait.

Aye but if I am no f*****g doing nothing.

Well can ye no do yer f*****g homework, if ye have got homework, that is what ye say, so just do it.

F**k sake Mitch.

Just till I come.

It is too f*****g cold sitting down.

Well that is no my fault.

Well it is no mine either.

He could have been there fast. If I could so could he. Even if he skipped out early. People asked the teacher, maybe if it was the dentist. Ye could just get a forgery note. I would write it for him. Even ten minutes early was great for me because a train came five minutes before the bell rang. I pelted down the road. Most times I caught it. Other ones done it. All fourth or fifth years. Lasses too. Twice I saw my brother. He did not see me.

The early train was great, just sitting at the window. People in my class were still at their desk and I was miles away. Imagine it was forever. Some trains went to the highlands. All mountains, fields and lochs and ye could get a boat maybe and go sailing, right out to sea, away way away. And that would be you. Boys got jobs as fishermen. Maybe I could. It was a hard life but ye made money and ye saved up. It was rough seas up north and that was where the fishermen went, away to Greenland and up the Baltic. So I was not going in the Navy, but I still liked sea stories.

When Freddy came I was waiting for him. I said, If I come earlier can ye bring the deliveries?

Oh aye, quarter past, I can do it for quarter past.

Oh that would be great.

Well ye better f*****g be there man cause I am not coming for f**k all.

I told Mitch so he could come early too but he did not. Then it was one day he did not come at all, and then the next night. The paperboy passed and we smoked a fag. He said, Oh well maybe he does not want the f*****g job.

I went the whole way. It was heavy with the four sacks but the weight went down every parcel ye delivered. That was two times. Really, it was no fair. He only had to tell me the day before. Then I would not be looking for him. I would have finished faster. After my tea I went up to his house. He said he had to stay home because his maw telled him. But I knew she did not tell him. It was just a f*****g fib. I could have said it to him. It was just stupid.

Then the delivery sheets. Mitch would not read them. How come? So then if he took wrong stuff to people and they were there complaining, Oh where is my parcel this is the wrong one.

I showed him how to mark in the delivery sheets and all the stuff but he did not see it right. Oh Smiddy, f**k sake, if you just tell me.

Oh but Mitch ye have got to do it yerself, look. And if ye showed him, he just did not look so if he was not concentrating. The teacher said it in Primary class how he would not concentrate. But it was true. Then dogs. How come he worried about dogs? Even the second close dog, old scabby chops. Who could be scared of old scabby chops except Mitch. All it done was lie in the weeds in the front garden. It was just an old old dog, nearly dead, just scabby-looking. Nobody could be feared of it. Ye just wondered because it would be dead soon, poor old thing, Oh my time has come. It just lied there and looked at its paws. Another dog was there and Mitch was feared of it too, a wee mongrel terrier. Other people did not like this one. It was a dog that jumped on ye. But what was it going to do? It could hardly even nip ye. I clapped it to show Mitch. That was all ye done. But he hated dogs and would never clap them. I used to put his hand to the dog to pet it but he still would not.

It did not matter about dogs if ye hated them or ye loved them. Freddy the driver said that. If ye got them ye got them. There is nothing except ye have to do it, if it is yer job. Ye have to go up the close. I said it to Mitch, What if a dog is in every house so then ye cannot f*****g do any f*****g deliveries?

No.

Aye but ye would need to if it was yer customers.

Well I would not.

So if ye could not do the job?

I would.

How?

I just f*****g would.

Aye but how, if ye cannay?

The mongrel terrier was the worst of all for Mitch. When it came running he forgot the names of people and all what he was doing. It was a worry. Then too how come he was so slow? He went up closes and did not come back. Where was he? So I done the next closes myself. He did not like me doing it. F**k sake Smiddy ye knew I was coming.

Aye but how long have I to wait?

Just f*****g wait.

No but how long?

I do not f*****g know.

Neither do I.

And I would not wait. Waiting was daft. A lot of times I was half way before he came then if it was stupid excuses. Oh the f*****g teacher made me stay in the class. You can f*****g ask Podgie if ye do not believe me.

But I was no going to ask Podgie. If Mitch came he came, if he did not he did not. I did not care, just if he telled me. I was no the boss. I did not care, I went fast without him. Just if he telled me I would not be looking for him. What if it was me and I was late, or else did not come? I said it to Mitch. So then nobody would get their deliveries.

Oh but you always come.

Aye but what if I do not?

Oh Smiddy, you always f*****g come.

Aye but if I did not, what would happen to the deliveries? Nobody would f*****g do them. Freddy would have to return the f*****g things to the boss and the boss would just sack us. He would. Because if nobody is there to do the f*****g job, that is how.

I do not care if he sacks me.

Well I do, I do not want the f*****g sack.

Oh you will no get the sack.

Aye but if I do?

Oh but you will no, the boss f*****g likes you.

Because I come and you do not.

Well who f*****g tells him if I do not come?

No me.

Well who?

I do not f*****g know.

Freddy?

I do not know but Mitch it is no f*****g me. What would I tell him for, I do not f*****g care.

Oh no you do not care.

I do not.

Well what are ye always f*****g saying it to me for? Oh you are late you are late, ye always f*****g say it.

Well but ye are late.

F**k sake Smiddy I cannot f*****g help it if the teacher keeps me in. It is no my f*****g fault.

Well it is no f*****g mine. It isnay.

Mitch spat on the ground. I will not be f*****g late tomorrow.

Oh well, I said but really I did not care if he came late or when, if he did not come. I was no the boss. That was how he acted, as if I was. How come it was me to tell him? I did not want to. The only time he was not late was Friday night for collecting and that was tips. Freddy the driver said, Oh he is a f*****g smart c***t, do not worry about that.

That was Mitch, he was a smart c***t. Nobody thought that except Freddy the driver. Then the paperboy said, You are doing all the work and he is getting half the f*****g money.

I thought that too but I wished he had not said it. The paperboy was a Catholic and was older than me. He acted like he could just say stuff. He finished his paper-run first but if ye were fast he waited for ye. He lived in a different scheme so when we got to the field he went the other way.

I said to him about coming for a game of football on Sundays. I did not know if he was any good at football. A lot of Catholics were. He did not talk about it much so maybe he was not. But he was no really a pal. Sometimes I thought he was but he was not. He could go funny. If he finished his run and I was nearly finished mine he would be away over and going home. So he was not waiting for ye. If ye went after him he did not speak when ye caught up. Then if Mitch was there, maybe he did not like Mitch. Mitch liked him except he was a Catholic so he did not talk to him much. I did. I just wanted to. Mitch said, Oh you just tell him everything.

Well how no?

Mitch did not say it but what he was meaning, because he was a Catholic. Even I did not say Pape. How come ye do not say Pape?

Just because I do not, I do not like it. I would no say it to the paperboy, Oh you are a Pape. You are a Pape. I wouldnay. Would you?

Aye, said Mitch.

Would ye?

Aye. How no?

I just wouldnay. So you would say it to him, Oh you are a Pape?

Mitch laughed.

What is funny?

I do not know.

But I was laughing too. It was just stupid. But I did not care if the paperboy was a Catholic. But what about him to us? He played cards for money on Friday nights, him and other paperboys, all wages and tips. One time he won pounds and banked it for his holidays. Me and Mitch wanted to go. I would have loved just to watch. But the paperboy never took us. I did not know the ones he played with, if they were all Catholics. I did not think so. No if they were paperboys, ye got different ones. In the deliveries ye did not get many In Gary McNab's milk job it was just Protestants.

I would rather have had a paperboy job. Ye made more tips and it was just the one bag to carry. The paperboy said it was heavier than our four sacks put the gether. That was just's***e. But so what if it was heavier? I would still carry it. If he thought I could not carry it. That was just stupid. The paperboy was a year older than me. He acted like that made him better at everything. How come? He was no even bigger than me. It was the same at school. If there was people from the year above ye it was supposed to make them better fighters. They walked to ye and ye were supposed to get out their way. If a boy from ist year battered a boy from the 2nd, people talked about it.

The paperboy was quite a boaster. He said his school was better than mine. People came from all over Glasgow to it and everybody had to wear uniforms. That was the same as us. Then if a lassie wore trousers she got expelled. It was the same in ours. Lasses had to wear skirts and no too short. But when they sat down ye still saw their legs, ye could not help it. If they saw ye seeing them they gave ye a look, so ye were the lowest of the low. A lassie in iB said that. Maureen Jones, she had a quite short skirt and ye saw her legs, ye could not help it. Ye were not meaning to see them, just if ye saw her and she was sitting down, so the tops of her legs like that right up her skirt so ye looked, ye could not help it.

She carried her school bag in a funny way. And her schoolblazer too, how she wore that, she rolled up the sleeves and put her hands in her side pockets. Her thumbs came over the top. Ye did not see lasses doing that. Maybe they were not allowed. But she did, her thumbs came over the top of her pockets and it looked good the way she done it and if she stood there too how she just crossed over legs when she was standing. She was just standing when she done it, her legs were crossed over and just her knees and then up and her skirt was there, ye just saw it, and shadows, just seeing shadows, ye saw her and it was shivering. I saw her going to the cafe with her pal at dinnertime and just walking up the street. She said stuff if she caught ye looking. A boy called McNaughton was doing it and she shouted at him, Oh you, McNaughton, you are the lowest of the low.

I thought about if I was dogging school, imagine ye met her, if she was dogging it and ye were someplace up the town. Imagine ye saw her and ye went over, because if ye saw her and she saw you, Oh it is Smith, he is in iG. Maybe boys were there and shouting at her and you saw her, Oh Maureen come on with me, and she did, then if ye had a fag, Oh here is a fag. But if she did not smoke. Maybe she did not.

Sometimes I did not know I was dogging school till I done it. I just stayed on the train and watched the people get off. Oh I will change at the next station and catch a train back. That was what I thought, but I did not, I went up the town and walked about. But then if it was too cold or wet, ye wished ye had went to school, ye were starving and nay money for a cafe. There was shops where ye could knock stuff but some were waiting to catch ye. Other ones looked at ye. Maybe they were going to tell the cops. Oh that boy should be at school. Well how did they know? Maybe ye were going to the dentist or the doctor or yer grannie. If a cop said it to me I would tell him. I would never run. Mitch did. Oh there is a cop, and he ran up a close. But what if the cops ran after ye? They did if they saw ye running.

Freddy the driver did not say cops, he said busies. Watch out for the busies. These c**ts will f*****g do ye. Just walk normal if ye see them. Put yer hands in yer f*****g pockets man just f*****g whistle a tune. But do not say hullo, these c**ts will think ye are being cheeky.

It was hopeless if ye were too early at the delivery run. Freddy did not come until four fifteen. I asked him but he would not. The boss did not give him the deliveries before four o'clock and did not like ye being too early because what if the cops saw There was a police office nearby and cops came in to see the boss. They took their hats off and smoked a fag and drank cups of tea. I did not like seeing them, then if they watched ye, so if ye got a red face. Oh what have you been doing?

The boss telled ye, Keep out the f*****g road.

Other boys went up the town. Ye had to watch if they were going to jump ye. It would have been good if ye had a pal. I went into the big railway stations but cops were there. I kidded on I was waiting for a train. I had my railway pass to show them. They would say Oh this is the wrong station for that train.

Oh I made a mistake, and then I could just get away.

I liked seeing the different towns on the board for departures. London, Plymouth and Cheltenham Spa. Plymouth was right far down. Imagine getting that train. Ye could jump it, except if the ticket collectors caught ye. But if ye waited till the very last minute then ran and jumped on. But how could ye if they were watching. Except if the train was moving. Ye had to wait till it was moving and then do it. And if ye couldnay open the train doors, well ye could just climb up on the roof then lie down flat and wait till the next station, then dreep down and go in a door.

I stopped dogging it too much because if it was Approved School. Mitch was in one at Primary School. My da would have killed me, and my maw would just be greeting and all just whatever. But I liked dogging it. But I just had to stop it. Sometimes going to school and walking up from the station, just at the very last minute, I turned the corner and went along another street. Because I was dogging it and did not even know until that very last minute. But then if ye changed yer mind and just ran back and in the gate before the bell rang.

But coming home after school, if ye missed the early train it put ye back half an hour with the deliveries and that was good time. If ye started late ye got later and later. First it was half an hour then it was three quarters. Then it was an hour. How did that happen? But it did. I telled Mitch. He did not like me saying it. But it was true. If ye are early ye are early, if ye are late ye just get later and later.

No ye do not, he said.

But ye did. I knew ye did because when he did it that is what happened and we were always just late and I hated it, and just in late at night. My maw had my tea to heat up in the oven.

People did not know about yer job. If I was home at six o'clock, how come it was no half past? How come it was no seven o'clock? I had to run and go fast and if I did not get the early train I would always be late. If Mitch was no there I was doing the four sacks myself. But that was alright, ye just got used to it. My maw and da did not think about it. Oh how come you are fast home? They never said that. I did not tell them. Otherwise rows rows rows, it would just be rows. Oh dogging it dogging it, they would not let me.

People thought things were good but they were not. What if ye had short money for yer collection? The boss took it off ye, ye did not get yer pay It was Mitch's fault, he put things in the wrong door or just whatever. Oh that is just helpers, said the paperboy, ye should no f*****g have one, they just keep ye back.

Oh but Mitch is no a f*****g helper. It is his job too.

But if he is doing it wrong?

He is not.

I thought ye said he was.

No it is just mistakes, just sometimes.

Helpers keep ye back, he said.

The paperboy would not have a helper. He used to have one but then stopped it. But me and Mitch were pals. The paperboy was no really a pal. He was like one but was not. He telled me there was somebody in the Boys Guild called Kieron. So if really it was a Catholic name, if that is what he was saying, that was just daft and from being a child. People were all different names. In my school John and Michael and Jim and Brian were Catholics and Protestants, even a Joseph was a Protestant.

It was Mitch's job first. I was sharing it with him. He just should have come more. I wished he did. But he did not. So it was like my job. People thought it was. Freddy the driver said, Oh it is your job man you are the one that f*****g does it.

I liked Freddy saying it but then I did not. It was good because really if it was me doing the job. So if I was. If I was I was. So if I did not need nobody. Maybe I did not. I could just do it myself. But it was Mitch's job first. Except if he did not want it. Well then.

***

Trials came for the school football team. It was one team for the whole ist year, iA down to iG. Ye went straight after school to the sports ground next Tuesday and Wednesday. But that was no good.

People were talking about it. It was up on the Notice Board down the gym corridor. I went to see and there it was, Trials. Tuesday and Wednesday. It was no good. I read it again to see and it was just the same.

The best players all got picked out the Trial games. After that it was training every Wednesday and ye played every Saturday afternoon. Boys were talking about how they were all going. It would be great, but it was no good. I wanted in the school team. Except I had the job and could not go to the Trials. If ye did not go ye did not get picked. So ye had to go. But then if ye could not. And ye needed to, else ye could not play, never ever, how could ye, ye could not, ye would just never be able to play, so that was you and ye never ever could ever ever. How could ye? Ye could never. I telled my da. Oh well, he said, you will just have to go on Friday night.

But da.

The BB comes first.

But da it is not the BB

Well the BB comes first.

But I am no talking about the BB.

Well what are ye talking about?

Oh I am no talking about nothing.

Do not be so damn cheeky, ye think because ye are twelve!

No dad and I am no being cheeky, it is just not the BB it is nothing to do with the BB it is the school team and how about the Trials if ye cannay go and ye are just well if ye cannay, ye just cannay go.

Well I do not know what ye are talking about, if it is not the BB, if it is the school team, what are ye meaning?

Oh I am no meaning nothing, I said and just went out the room. I could not say to him, I could not say at all to him. What he was talking about, the BB, it was nothing to do with the BB. He just was not listening, people just did not listen. Ye were saying stuff and they just were not listening. If ye did not play in the Trials ye did not play for the school team.

I talked to him again about it. I made toast and beans for supper and brought it through for me, him and my maw. The school had their own team and the boys to play in it would get picked out the Trials. They had the Trial games, so ye played in them and got picked. And if ye did not play in the Trials ye did not get picked. That was what happened. You went to the Trials and ye played the Trial games and then whoever got picked got picked, that is what happened, but if ye could not go then ye could not go and ye could never ever get picked.

Oh but son, no everybody can get picked.

Aye but what I am saying dad ye get picked if ye play in the Trials

There is more to life than football.

Listen to your father, said my maw.

Yes I know but

Oh there is aye a but with you son. My da was smiling.

I know dad I am just saying, it is after school for the Trials. Ye have to get the bus to the school playing fields and ye do not get home till half past six or else even seven o'clock.

Well what is wrong with that, if it is seven o'clock, yer mother will stick yer tea in the oven.

But da it is no my tea it is my job, I have got my job.

My da just looked at me. He did not know what I was meaning. He did not think of me having a job. He even forgot I had one. I told him how if ye did not go for the training and especially if ye did not play in the Trial games then that was you because how could ye get picked and if ye had a job, well, ye could not.

Football is not everything, said my maw

I know mum but it is just how it would be good to play but if it is Tuesday and Wednesday night for the Trials and if ye have a job well ye cannot go, it is just not fair. And even after that when ye get picked ye have to do yer training one night a week and it is straight from school ye do it, so ye just cannot go, so really, if ye have a job then it just is not fair, so if

Oh for Heaven sake, said my da.

No but dad

Kieron, for God sake.

And my maw just was looking, her forehead all wrinkled up, not knowing what it was, just worried. Oh what have ye done Kieron? Oh you have done something, what is it?

Mum I have not done nothing, except just what I am saying how if it is the Trials.

Oh Kieron.

Mum I have not done nothing.

My da was looking straight at me, just a hard look, as if he was giving me a row. But I had no done anything, so how come a row? I was just saying it, ye just could not get saying it, they would not listen, they just would not.

I went out the room. I did not slam the door, but closed it. I listened a wee minute but they did not speak about me. My maw would not stick up for me, if it was football, it was all just silly Everything was just yer studies, yer studies, and my da just said it for her, he did not back ye up.

Mr Ramsay was our PE teacher for football. He used to play for a big club. He had good style. His first name was Charles so Charlie Ramsay. Charlie Ramsay. When our classes went for outside PE it was him reffed, so he knew who was good players. He joined in playing and nicked the ball off ye when ye were running, then hit a long pass way down the wing for the other team, hitting it with the outside of his boot, and how it swerved and went down there for the other players to chase and maybe they would score a goal. It was good how he done it but he was the ref so ye were not expecting the tackle. Maybe if ye knew he was doing it ye could have got the ball past him. So it was a wee bit no fair. But it did not matter because if he done it, if ye were a bad player, well, he never done it. He only done it if ye were a good player. So if he done it to ye, ye knew ye were no bad.

He was used to real training with real teams and probably that was what they did. He did not even tackle, just nicked the ball off yer foot. Ye were running with it and that was what he done, his foot just took it away. If he ran with it ye could not stop him, ye tried but could not. But he ran with his arms out and ye could not get near him else ye would get punched. If the referee saw it that was a foul. He done it with his elbows too. How could ye tackle him. Ye could not. But he was the ref himself so just done it.

He did not talk to ye like the old PE teacher for rugby. He just watched what ye done. Some smiled at ye or said yer name, but Mr Ramsay did not. Sometimes he was looking and did not see stuff. A boy said, Oh he is in a fantasy world, he is dreaming about the Cup Final, he has just scored a goal.

Well if he did, me too, and ye were on the train to school thinking about games, oh if that pass came to me instead of him I would just break down the wing and if somebody comes with a sliding tackle I shall just flick the ball up and jump over and just on and on maybe cut in and slip a good pass through so yer team scores a goal, and they all clap the one that scored but really it was you, it was you done it, and ye just give a wink.

I was going to say to Mr Ramsay about the Trials. When we were going off the pitch he was coming last. I went to do it then did not. I would tell him after, just I could not even go to the Trials. I could not even go. So that was not fair. I would love to go but I could not, because of my job. But I would love to go. I just could not. I would love to. Maybe if I done my own training or if there was other times or else days for the Trials. What if it was Saturday? Only I had to collect delivery money on Saturday afternoon if the folk had not paid me on Friday night. Saturday morning was football for the BB wee team. It was good but just wee. If it was the school team I would rather play for that. So I could do it on Saturday after all. But Sunday was best if it was Sunday. The BB liked ye going to Bible Class then every month was Church Parade and ye had to go marching with the uniform. But I could just chuck the BB. It was Friday night anyway and they did not like me and Mitch coming late because with the job. So I could do it if it was Sunday.

This games period was the last before dinnertime. Ye took showers because ye were muddy after the game. Usually I was out the changing rooms fast and waiting on the bus back to school because if it was ten minutes to wait ye done yer homework. Now I waited round the teachers' gate. Mr Ramsay came out wearing his outside clothes. I went to talk to him. Oh sir, I said, I am Smith in yer class.

Smith?

Aye sir yes, if

Then I could not speak hardly at all and just got a red face. It got worse so I could hardly breathe. I could not. It was in my throat and I was going to choke and having to gulp for a breath I could not get a breath and Mr Ramsay was looking at me and did not know what was wrong, just squinty eyes, how his eyes were squinting. What is wrong, he said, are you having problems? Are boys waiting to get you?

No, no sir.

If it is bullying? Do not be frightened.

No sir.

My voice sounded stupid. He did not know my name. He thought I was getting bullied. In that school, as if it was me, if I would be bullied, I would never be bullied. He did not know it was me. I was the one he nicked the ball off. So I was a good player, else he would not have nicked the ball off me. But he did not know my name. Just son. What is wrong son are boys waiting to get you? No in that school. Never ever. There was nothing in that school it was just a total complete nightmare and I hated it the worst, just the worst, the very very worst, it was the very worst, ye could not imagine how bad it was it was just whatever was the worst thing, worser. Ye could not even talk and if yer voice was just how it sounded and they were just looking at ye and even if the teacher did not hear ye. What did you say? Are you having trouble? Are boys bullying you?

No sir nothing, boys are not bullying me.

Because if they are.

No sir they are not.

Oh well good, and he was seeing his watch now because with the bus waiting and it was dinnertime next.

Oh sir just about the football sir, the Trial games for the school team, I cannot go because I have got a job, how it says on the Notice Board Tuesday and Wednesday for the Trial games how if the teams are going to be selected at the Trial games and I cannot go. Because if I cannot get to the training sir and then the Trial games so then if I have no to get picked that is not fair.

Well, try your best for one of the nights.

But I cannot sir except maybe if the training could happen later on maybe after teatime, that would be the best time sir if it was not straight from school, if it was maybe the evening. Or else the weekend maybe if it was Sundays if it was the afternoon sir.

Well I do not think that can happen but you know it is not me who organizes the Trials training sessions, it is Mr McCutcheon. He is the man you should see.

Now he was looking at his watch. Now he was going for the bus. Maybe you could do your job in the evenings instead. Or do not do it on training nights, even better. Come on now, the bus is waiting.

So that was him. I saw ones looking at me out the bus windows. I did not care about them. What he said was daft. But Matt said it too. Could ye not give it up for one night?

Give the job up for one night. That was just daft. How could ye give up the job for one night? Only if Mitch could do it but Mitch could not. He would not want to do it, but if he did, maybe he would, but it would just be daft, then if it was every week for one night for training, he would never do that.

So I could not go.

After the ist year Trials it did not matter about football. In 2nd year the same boys were picked. If ye were not playing in the ist year and going to their stupid training night ye would not get considered.

Them that got into the team acted like the best players, just showing off. And they were not. How did they know if not all had a chance? They were not the best and could not say it but they did.

***

But plenty in the good school were not posh. One was McEwan. McEwan played in the 2nd year team. He played in the ist year from last year and now he was repeating he just carried on. The teachers did not like it and did not like him but he was one of the best players. He was past fourteen. Boys went about with him so it was like a wee gang. He was not in my class but one of his pals was. Their class was iF and ours was iG. Sometimes they put us together for PE and games and sometimes History. McEwan's pal in our class was Webster. Him and another one made a fool of people and were ready to fight. Going along the corridors they kicked boys on the bum for nothing. They tormented them in the classroom, tapping them on the shoulder and hitting them on the head with rulers or else skelping their bum and flicking towels if it was the changing room. We did not have darkies in our class but two Jewboys and he done it to them and the Belgium boy.

But Webster was good at sports so was maybe a good fighter. People thought he was. He acted like it but maybe he was not. But ye were waiting for him to get ye and ye got sick of it, just because he was pals with McEwan. That was Gary McNab to Podgie, how he went with him. But McEwan was a better fighter than Podgie. He was older and just tougher, that was what I thought. But no Webster, I would never be scared of Webster. But Webster was not McEwan's best pal, that was Sabby, and ye would not fight Sabby, I would never, he just smiled at ye, but he would have battered ye. He was repeating ist year the same as McEwan. Sometimes they played football at dinnertime in the playground. People did not tackle much there but I started doing it just because I did and if somebody was in the school team, I done it to them.

McEwan was a good dribbler and usually beat ye. It was just a wee ball so he could do stuff with it, hitting it through yer legs. I went in and cracked his ankle, I did not mean it, he just turned quick so my boot caught him. Oh for f**k sake, he said.

Oh sorry, I said, but he just shook his head and pushed me, no for a fight but just so he could walk away. He did not come after me and did not kick me the next time. But he could have, he could have kicked me any time. Ye knew with McEwan he was a tough fighter. Him and his pals went to the cafe or else down a back lane to smoke and wait for lasses.

He sat at the back. If the teacher said a question to him he kidded on he did not hear. The teacher had to say it again, Oh Mr McEwan.

What, what is it — sir?

I asked you a question.

Oh, I did not hear you — sir.

Well?

McEwan just looked at him, who was he talking to. Then the teacher would say, I asked you a question Mr McEwan.

Oh, I did not hear you — sir.

And that wee space for sir, I did not hear you — sir. He did not say answers but knew them, just gave a wee smile. He spat on the classroom floor. The teacher knew but kidded on he did not. Once in History it was an old man teacher instead of the usual one and McEwan whispered, This c**t is a f*****g dickie. He done it loud so everybody could hear him. The teacher looked at him but it was maybe he did not hear it, or did he? No, he could not have, no boy would say such a thing. But McEwan did. Then a wee minute after he started laughing. The teacher kidded on he did not hear. Then he pished against the radiator before the class started. The pee streamed down the middle of the floor. People thought what it was but did not think somebody would do it. Then the teacher came in. McEwan just put his hand up. The radiator is leaking sir.

What did you say?

The radiator is leaking — sir.

The teacher came round to see. Go to the janitor's room and get a mop and bucket and ask if he will come and see it.

Yes sir.

When McEwan went to the door he brought a fag packet out behind the teacher's back, took out a fag and winked at his pals. He did not care if other people saw him doing it. Things disappeared out the gym changing room and people said it was him. The old PE teacher came in to tell us. His face was angry and he told us all to sit down. There is no place for sneak thieves in this school. Sneak thieves are the worst dregs and people that steal from their classmates are just filthy scum. He talked about other stuff, how if these were yer friends ye were to be loyal, friends were friends and if people were in yer class that was what they were, friends.

But then McEwan was there behind him and doing wanking signs behind his back. Ye could not believe he was doing it. What if the PE teacher caught him? He was not a coward and would say it. But if he did McEwan would get him. I thought that. I was glad the PE teacher did not see him else it would have been the worse for him because even if he was a man and a good fighter like a PE teacher ye still thought McEwan would get him.

There was shops near the cafe. I saw him and Sabby in one at dinnertime and they were knocking. I done it too with a bar of chocolate, up my sleeve. Outside the shop I took it out and they saw me. Sabby pointed over. McEwan just looked. He was the best at knocking. In one shop they kept the chocolate and stuff beside the fags behind the counter and people were watching ye all the time. Ye could never get anything. But McEwan was big and he stretched his arm right over the counter. He lifted a bar of chocolate and kept it inside his palm with his thumb holding it. A woman saw him. Her eyes flickered to him but she did not say nothing, because she was scared.

Boys in higher classes were scared of him too. I did not know any he was scared of. If one done something to him, he would just wait and get them after. Ye knew that with McEwan. Once I was reading a paper and he grabbed it out my hand and tore it up. I had not done nothing to him. He just walked away. Webster and Sabby were there and saw it. Webster was in my class and was laughing at me. But then McEwan got him. Webster was good at telling jokes. He started off telling one and McEwan said, Going to shut yer f*****g mouth! Eh? F*****g shut up.

So Webster had to shut up. I felt like laughing. That was McEwan, he even done it to his own pals. Maybe Webster was not his pal, maybe he just acted like he was.

Then in the cafe it was McEwan sitting behind me and other ones were with him. I was just myself. Two other ones were at my table because it was crowded. Drenching rain outside and just freezing cold. I was thinking about my deliveries because ye had to watch it if it was raining too heavy and the wet got in yer parcels because if they got soaked, if yer customers did not want them, it was you, it just came off your wage. So if I could get stuff off Freddy to put in the sacks and cover them. Freddy was good at helping ye.

But I was going to get soaked too. I did not have a coat, just a jacket. I hated coats. Only they were good for their pockets. If I got soaked I would have to go home from school and change. That made ye late for work. But if I dogged the last two periods.

Maybe I would. Or else right now, if I just went home right now, and dogged the rest of the afternoon. Except the Registration teacher was giving me looks with my forgery notes. When it got bad with people the teachers wrote letters to yer maw and da. If mine did it I would just get his letter off the postman, or else what, I did not care. Or if the rain went off, maybe I would stay in school, or go to my grannie.

I was just thinking about it and something at my back just at my bum, it was like something, I did not know what, but just — and McEwan behind me. So it was him. It was him doing it. I sat forward.

So it was him and he was doing it to me. So that was that and it was McEwan. It was just McEwan. But it was no sore, just tickly. But he still done it and I could not go more forward.

I kidded on I did not feel it. I heard him whispering, Oh I f*****g telled ye, he loves it.

Oh I f*****g telled ye, he loves it, scraping my bum with something, a ruler or pencil, that was McEwan and I went total red because I knew it, that was it and what he was doing to me and I had to look round. I had to. And Sabby and Webster and them looking at me. McEwan kidded on he was not doing nothing. But he started doing it again. I turned round to him. Oh, I said, going to chuck it.

I just said it quiet then sat to the front and was waiting for something, whatever, to happen, then the scraping thing again, but only a wee minute then it stopped.

I counted. I was going to count to twenty but after twelve I lifted my school bag and got up and left the cafe. So that was me, so I was not one of McEwan's pals. Well I did not want to be. I did not want to be anybody's pals, no ever. Just going myself, that was what I wanted. Other ones did not care about McEwan. Posh ones. Big Borland and them did not care about McEwan, they did not go where he went. I would be the same.

Boys got called poofs and bumboys. That was the worst. I always thought if Carslake told people. Maybe he did. But I do not think so because they would shout at him too. Bumboys. And that was McEwan doing it to mine. Ye got called that. So if they were going to do it to me, if they just tried it. What if they did? McEwan and them were down the lane having a smoke. I was too and did not see them till I was there. McEwan did not look at me but Sabby said, Alright Smith?

I just walked past and nothing happened. I did not act tough to them but I did not speak because I did not want to and just could not, if they were going to get me, five of them, that was just cowards, I did not care about them, I was just waiting. Other times they waited there for lasses. McEwan went with one and another went with another. The rest stood a bit away and watched if they were kissing. One time I saw McEwan and Sabby down the railway lane and they were standing with the gang that went there. I was going to pass them that time but I did not, I just went round the long way and they never saw me.

Really it was Webster, he was the one in my class, how he acted it, just stupid stuff, flicking the school bag off yer shoulder and slapping ye on the back then dodging roundabout, clicking yer heels when ye were walking. People kidded on it was a laugh. It was not. He did not do it to Brogan and Hannah or Donald Shields. Even ones like Carslake. How come he left them alone? In Algebra class he started doing it to me, just tapping me on the shoulder. I kidded on it was nothing, just a laugh, but he kept doing it and it was on the same spot and getting sore so I was just moving a wee bit, then he said, Please sir he is hitting me.

He done it in a low voice but as if he was mimicking me and I was going to shop him to the teacher. It was just stupid. Then he was tapping me on the shoulder again so I turned round and said, Stop that.

He mimicked me. Stop that.

He stopped it for a wee while then done a couple of more taps. They were not that sore but just how they annoyed me. I turned round to him, Fucking chuck it.

I shouted it loud and everybody heard. I did not care. It was the Algebra teacher, Mad Marty. I did not care who it was, Mad Marty, so what. His eyes went wide. It was complete silence till he said, What was that! Come out here. Did I hear you right. What did you say? What did you say boy? Speak up. You shall go straight to the Headmaster's Office.

He was opening the desk and bringing out the belt. So it was not the Headmaster, just him strapping ye. He gave me four with crossed hands. If ever ye split yer hands with him so much the worse. Two of them were sore ones that went up yer wrist and came out red with white blotches. And ye just had to stand there when he was putting the belt away, yer hands hanging down and a nothing feeling, then all pins and needles.

Please sir can I leave the room? Please sir may I leave the room?

He nodded his head.

Ye had to leave the room. Martin belted ye hard and ye could not help it, just water out yer eyes. Ye did not want people to see so ye asked him, and ye had to say it like that. Please sir may I leave the room. If ye said can I leave the room, he did not speak till ye said it right. Sometimes he said, Can I canoe you up the river.

He let ye go to the lawy if ye got belted, ye did not want to blink because then the water would come. Maybe ye were not greeting but it looked like ye were and then sitting down in front of them all. And yer hands, what ye do with them, if ye leave them on the desk or under the table and ye cannot blow on them just having to sit there then what, just waiting there till the bell goes for the end of the period and yer head is not thinking about nothing except just how yer hands are and how the stinging is going, if ye know what stage it is, is it near the end or maybe another bit to go, white or red. So if ye go to the toilet, getting the cold water for yer hands and yer wrists, yer face too so ye were not greeting, ye were not greeting, it was just water how it came out yer eyes, I hated that it was just so fucking horrible ye just could not, no if ye could manage no to so ye tried to leave the room ye just ran water over them out the tap. They went tingling and ye looked at them and they were curled up and just shaking a wee bit and then up yer wrist the white was away and it was coming up red and ye saw yer veins. What if they burst? All yer veins were there and that was where he belted ye. He did not try to hit ye there but he did.

People were looking at me after the class. I did not care and was happy what had happened. It was no my school and I was getting to fuck away out it. Webster came up to talk to me after the class. I knew he would. I just did. I knew he would just want to and I was nearly laughing.

Oh what did ye shout for? Ye should not have shouted, he said, that was how ye got belted. What did ye shout for? Ye should not have shouted.

Aye but I did.

Well ye should not have.

Aye but I fucking did.

Webster was looking at me and I was looking at him back. Ha ha, that was what I thought, if he wanted to fight me, well I would fucking have him, that was what I thought, I could just fucking beat him. Other people were looking too. Oh is Smith going to fight him. Maybe I would maybe I wouldnay. I did not care about Webster and all them, McEwan or else the posh ones, I just wanted away and just away from them all, all them, I did not care about any of them. I saw the street down the hill and that was me, I imagined walking down it.

Webster was no a real fighter. I would batter him. Maybe if he jumped me he would get me but he would not.

I was glad I took the belt. People all would know. Oh Smith did not care, he just swore in the classroom. Mad Marty gave him four and he just took it. And that was Webster, it was his fault.

So if he jumped me, the best place was walking down to the railway station. But I could climb the wall and get through a close. So what if they caught me, if it was Webster, I would boot him or stick the knee in, that would be him. Except if he had handers, McEwan or Sabby, they would batter me. Maybe if I carried a blade and took it out. Alright then come on, come on. Ye want it, come on. Ye would just be careful no to stick it in the heart or else the eye or the neck. If they thought I was soft and they were going to get me, they would never get me. I did not need a knife for them, just if it was McEwan or Sabby.

I walked down a river-street and jumped a ferry. All the noise from the yards, sawing and screeching sounds, drills and big hammers falling, hooters going off. Only me and two old men were aboard. I stood up with the skipper looking way over to the pier, going on the wide curve out, it just looked wee. How come he never missed? Who would ye save if it sank, a wee wean or an old woman?

Imagine the skipper sailed it right down the river. One done that, he just got fed up. My Uncle Billy telled us. A real sailor from the islands, he sailed the ferry down the river and away out to sea, all the people shouting at him, a big teuchter, he didnay care, he was just wanting to sail the boat and just go away because it was all just horrible, everything.

My da laughed to hear it and so did me and Matt, seeing the ferry away out to sea and people all shouting at him. Except if the waves were too high, if it was rough seas and all crashing over, people would be scared, so nay wonder.

My grannie's street was quite a long walk. Auntie May was there. I went into the front room where grannie kept the writing paper and I done a forgery note to the Registration teacher from my maw just how I had the dentist.

My grannie made me toast and cheese. I did not stay long. If she forgot to give me my subway fare I had to take the ferry and it took longer. If she forgot I did not ask. I did not like asking with Auntie May there, if she thought I was trying to get my grannie's money. Sometimes she looked at me and I did not like it and just a funny feeling. I did not do anything wrong but it was as if I did. Then if she said about school, Oh how is yer studies? and ye were telling her, ye saw her eyes, no even looking at ye, no even listening.

I could have said about the belt and showed her my wrists. No my grannie, I would never have showed them to my grannie. But I would have showed them to my Auntie May. She would have seen them, then what would she have thought? But maybe she would not have bothered. When I done my granda's wave to grannie she just looked at me.

My grannie said, Oh but May he has got him to a tee.

But Auntie May did not like me doing it. How no, if he was yer granda? Auntie May acted like he was only her dad, it did not matter if he was yer grandfather. My granda used to wear a bunnet and now she kept it in her wardrobe. I was glad when she was not there. My grannie said, Oh son she is just unhappy.

***

Up at the second last close on the delivery run an old man and woman came to stay on the ground floor. She had bad legs and could not climb the stairs. They flitted in from another scheme. They had an alsatian sentry dog and it guarded the front close. It was a real killer dog and everybody was feared. Mitch would no go near that close. He just would not. The dog sat by the steps and stared at ye or else laid down at the side garden. Ye thought it was sleeping then the nearer ye got ye saw these wee eye slits and it growled from the back of its throat, quite quiet, but rough too. If it had something stuck there, maybe, licking its coat. Granda's cats used to do that and had to cough, so then out it came, big lumps of stuff, all hairs and oose, out from the cats' throats. See if there is any money in there! That was what Uncle Billy said.

The alsatian sentry dog's fur was scabby. Maybe the old man and woman did not care for it good. It went for the paperboy and nearly tore a chunk out his arm. Lucky for him he was wearing a new leather jerkin. The old man blamed him because of that. Oh yer jerkin is too glossy. If a dog sees a glossy thing it goes for it, it is like a rabbit running.

But rabbits are not glossy, and the leather jerkin was not either, it was just new. The paperboy had saved up for it. It was good style. Ye saw it and wished ye had it. That was only the third time he wore it out the house.

Oh but how come he was wearing a new leather jerkin if he was doing a paper run? The old man wanted to know that. But it was a Friday night. Ye wore yer school clothes through the week but no a Friday, no for collecting. That was when ye went to people's doors for the money, and ye got yer tips. Ye would not wear school clothes for that, just yer good ones. Lasses were there too, if they came to the door, they saw ye. Carolyn Smart. Her maw was Mitch's customer but I changed her to mine. Because if he did not come I had to do it. So then I just done it. Mitch got the close after to do. He did not mind. Carolyn Smart was a complete darling. She was just a complete darling, really, she was, so ye wore yer good stuff. I went home between the deliveries and the collecting. I took off my school stuff, put on my jeans and my jerkin. Mine was no leather, it was just ordinary.

Sometimes Mitch came home with me instead of his own house. My maw split my tea with the two of us and made toast and cheese to go with it. My da was usually at the pub on Friday nights after his work, it was a new job he had.

The paperboy had good style. Mitch thought it too. That leather jacket was a beauty. How come the old man did not pay for it if it was his dog done the damage? I said that to my maw. The old man should have paid for it, it was no fair.

Oh but if the paperboy was running, she said.

Well but if ye are late mum, if ye are running, the dog should not attack ye.