Kieron Smith, Boy

Dogs do not know any better.

Yes but it is the man's dog.

I do not know why his mother is buying him leather jackets anyway, she said.

Oh but it is a leather jerkin.

It is the same thing.

It is not the same thing. He bought it himself out his own money.

She did not speak after that because she did not like leather jerkins. And she did not like ordinary jerkins. And jeans too, she hated jeans. Oh they are just for keelies. It was my grannie bought me the jeans and jerkin. The jerkin was too wee and should have been a size bigger, and the jeans had too wide legs, people had tight ones, that was what I wanted. My maw did not like my grannie buying me stuff. My grannie said, He is just a boy, it does not matter.

Oh but mum it does matter.

Boys at that school had good clothes but they were no good style. I would not have wore them, they were just like for the Church and Sunday School, just posh boys and snobs, sports jackets and flannels, I hated them. That was what my maw wanted. But if I had my own money and just bought my own stuff. If it was my own money.

I still got Matt's old clothes. I did not want them, except maybe a jersey. But socks, vests and pants were the same ones, my maw kept them all in the same drawer. Ye had to look for wee ones. She bought them big so he could wear them. But it should have been him and my da because they were nearer the same, no me. I had to look for wee ones and they were just old and shrunk. At gym and the swimming ye had to change fast so people did not see. The socks were too big because with his feet. The heel bit came out the back of yer shoes.

On Fridays after tea I was fast out the house to collect the delivery money Mitch was slow. If he was coming from his own house I did not wait for him. I was going up the hill when I heard him whistling. I looked back to see him and he was crossing the burn. Smidddeh-hhhh, Smidddehhhhh. Ye heard it echoing across. I waved but I did not stop. It was a long long walk to that scheme. He had to run to catch up with me. Oh Smiddy how did ye no wait?

Because the boss was wanting the pay-in quick. And people went out after their tea. If ye were too late collecting there was nobody in to pay. Mitch did not care. Oh fuck them.

Aye but Mitch if they are paying the money.

I do not care.

But if ye have to come back on Saturday morning?

Well we are no going to run.

But we have to.

Well I am no fucking running.

Well I fucking am.

Oh fuck sake Smiddy you have always got to do the things.

Well?

Well I do not fucking want to.

Mitch was always tired. I was tired too but ye just done it, if ye got yer money, ye just done it. If it was too heavy rain doing the deliveries we did not go home before collecting. Ye finished earlier. The boss liked it because ye did the pay-in quick. And it was good for going to the BB. That started at seven o'clock so ye were nearly on time. But I did not like it. It was good going home for yer tea and then coming back out wearing yer good stuff. Freddy the driver said it too, if ye wanted good tips ye had to look the part. Oh ye have to look the part, that is what Freddy said, ye have to fucking look the part.

When we did not go home we bought crisps and lemonade off the ice-cream van and ate it up the last close. But Mitch was good at getting grub. He chapped people's doors and asked the woman for a piece on cheese or else jam. It was good if the paperboy was coming up the street. We sat down on the steps to eat the pieces when he came in the close. Oh this piece on jam is great Mitch.

Oh aye Smiddy.

Oh you bastards, where did ye get the pieces? Give me a fucking bite?

The alsatian sentry dog stayed in the second last close and we could see it poking its head out to watch the rain. Mitch said to the paperboy, See if I was you I would fucking poison it, I would get a fucking gun.

Well it is no the alsatian's fault, I said.

Oh you always fucking say that.

But it was true. The alsatian was an ex-sentry dog and bred to the security business, trained to attack thieves and robbers. The old man that owned the dog telled me about it. He only telled me because it was me that listened. He telled some good stuff. I liked hearing him. Once the old alsatian got a grip of ye it would never let go, even if ye bust its teeth with a crowbar. It would go for anybody that was suspicious so if ye ran that was you.

Ye never run with dogs. Lucky for the paperboy it was good thick leather else it would be a chunk out his flesh and blood. It was the paperboy's fault for running. If ye do not run sentry dogs will not attack ye. That was how ye trained yer dogs. Ye told it what to do and he done it and if he did not then ye got rid of it, ye sent it away for a pet. Because it was no good if it did no do what ye telled it. Alsatians were working dogs. If ye trained them right and they did not conform, well, ye had to train them right, so if they conformed, if they did not ye got rid of them.

The dog lied beside the old man when he was talking. It always watched me coming. Oh do not worry, said the old man, if that dog did not like ye ye would be dead by now. He has yer scent and it is okay.

If the dog came to sniff ye ye just had to let it. Breathe in and do not move. Say hullo son, he is saying hullo to you, just say hullo. But do not clap it.

I thought ye were to clap dogs.

Oh no son, no a dog like him, ye never clap him, never ever clap him.

Its eyes looked up at ye. Sometimes Mitch watched from along the pavement. The old man saw him. What about yer pal?

Oh he delivers the next close.

The other stuff the old man talked about was fights, fights he had with villains out the underworld. In Glasgow there was a big underworld. People were cowards with them but he was not, he just had to deal with them. That was his job. He asked about my da. I said about the Navy.

Oh that is smashing son, yer da is a serviceman. Mind you, nothing against the Navy, but it is not the same as the Army. Ye have to bash heads in the Army. That is yer job. If ye do not like it ye lump it, else ye are out. If ye cannot do the job they boot ye out and quite right too.

But Civvy Street was so much the worse, they were all thieves and robbers and just low-down cheating scumbags. When he was a security guard he had to deal with them. Smack first talk later. They came at him with sticks and knifes and he had to disarm them. The same if they had guns. He had a gun himself and he shot a man but it was in line of duty. It was a service pistol and he had it planked in the lobby press. Usually it was unarmed combat. The old man was trained for it from the Army. Villains did not know what real fighting was. So with his training he could beat the living daylights out them. These villains were all cowards especially if ye got them alone, ye just waited and then ye got them. Oh do not hit me do not hit me do not hit me! They were all just scared and cowards. No unless it was a real fighter. Some were real fighters and ye could spot them a mile away, so then ye had to caw canny. Ye just caw canny.

The old villains were like that, they were rough and ready. They were not sleakit and did not knife ye, that was one thing. They were not fly men cheaters. It was a square go. Ye had to fight hand to hand. That was unarmed combat. If yer training was up to the minute ye were a jump ahead.

The paperboy did not believe it. I was telling him and Mitch. We were waiting for the rain to go off, sitting on the steps of the last close for a last smoke. Oh he is just talking shite, said the paperboy, you believe everything he says.

Do I fuck, I said.

He is just a boasting old bastard.

No he is not.

Aye he fucking is.

He is, said Mitch.

But maybe he was not. The old man telled me about sailors down the docks that were foreigners and had their own way of doing it. They walked in and threw ye over their shoulder or else put ye flat on yer back. Ye had to be fast and slippery like them. If ye were nobody could hold ye, ye got out their grasp and slipped away. They had different ways of doing it. The main thing was turning yer man. And that was right because my granda showed me that when I was a wee boy, how ye just get yer man when he is coming in just getting his hand and oh pull him through and knock him over and he is off balance and that is it, he is down and ye just can get him. It did not matter if they were bigger than ye. The bigger the better.

Oh yer granda is right, said the old man. One time he was wrestling a big foreigner and the big foreigner came in and the way he did it the old man got his arm and pulled him through and just turned him and bumped him over so then he got him down easy and had his hand up his back. Do ye surrender? No. Do ye surrender? No. So he done it harder, till, Aye, aye, and the big foreigner had to surrender.

Because if he did not, the old man could have broke his arm in two. Mitch was listening but the paperboy did not believe it. That old cunt is a liar and a boaster. He is a fucking fanny-merchant.

No but my granda too, I said, that is how he done it.

The paperboy just looked. But if he thought my granda was a boaster he was very wrong. My granda showed me and I could do it. So could my brother. One time it was us all and Uncle Billy and we were practising and it was Matt to get Uncle Billy and he did! He got him, Matt got him! We were all clapping, Uncle Billy too. So then granda showed me and it was me to get him the same way and I nearly did. The paperboy just shook his head when I said it, but it was true, it really was.

Smiddy is right, said Mitch.

Mitch knew because I showed him in Primary School. Yer man came in and ye grabbed his wrist and pulled it through and he was off balance, ye just shoved him hard and got him down.

It is just shite, said the paperboy.

It is no shite.

Fuck off man.

Naw, stand up and I will show ye.

Fuck off

Oh come on.

No.

Come on and I will show ye.

He will just fucking show ye, said Mitch.

Oh for fuck sake, said the paperboy, but he got up. Do not do anything daft, I am fucking warning ye.

But I was no going to. I just showed him how ye push yer man off balance, if he is attacking ye, so ye get his arm to follow through, pulling him and giving him a shove. Kid on ye are going to throw a punch, I said.

No.

Come on.

I cannot be fucking bothered.

Oh come on.

He took a deep breath then laid down his fag and put his hands up, then threw his left. The very one. I went with my side to him and got his wrist to pull him through and got him down easy, right on his side, but all the money came out his pockets, all rolling over the ground. Oh for fuck sake my tips my tips, ya fucking bastard. He jumped up right away and picked up the money. Look at my fucking jeans too, fucking mud all over them!

It was the side of his jeans, damp and some mud over them. Mitch laughed.

Oh what ye fucking laughing at? said the paperboy.

Nothing, said Mitch.

It isnay fucking funny. What did ye no tell me ye were going to do that for? You should have fucking telled me!

I did not mean it, I said.

Look at the fucking state of the jeans!

They are just damp.

The paperboy shook his head and went away. That was him. That was what he done. He went in bad huffs. He done it a lot. Any stuff where ye beat him, he hated it. If Mitch was no there and I finished my deliveries first, he really hated it and it was excuses. Oh I was late starting the night. The papers were late. People kept me back. I was short of papers and had to go and get more. He wanted to know about tips too, if we had the same customer. Oh how much of a tip does she give ye? So he always wanted to go first on Fridays and it was to get the first tip. Freddy the driver telled me that, First one to the door gets the biggest tip.

One time I climbed a veranda for a woman that was locked out and he hated that too. Just because I done it and no him. I telled Mitch. Mitch said, Aye but Smiddy you are the best climber.

Then if it was fighting, if it was real fighting, probably he would have beat me. I think he would have, maybe, but maybe no. But he would never have beat Mitch. I did not say it to him but I knew Mitch would beat him. The paperboy thought because he was older he would win but he would not, it was not ages to beat people. The paperboy was daft if he thought that. He just acted tough and said a lot of stuff. If the alsatian sentry dog went for him ever again he was going to tell the cops and get it destroyed.

Ye destroy a dog is ye kill it. I would never kill a dog. Whose fault is it? It is not the dog's fault. I did not think that was fair.

How come he did not get friends with it? Ye just walked in the close slow, and ye went to it so it saw ye, just slow and if ye talked to it, Oh good boy, good boy, how are ye son, how are ye, are ye okay. And no putting yer hands up, and keeping in full view so the thing could see ye. If ye ran ye would disturb it and ye did not want that. Ye done it bit by bit by bit. If the dog was in the garden that was good. If it was by the steps up the close it was worse. All ye could do was go in slow and no look at it. Ye heard the rumble in its throat and knew its eyes were watching but ye had to carry on. But ye listened for a swishing noise. That was its tail. If ye heard that then it was coming behind ye. Ye did not know till ye heard the swishing. Ye just walked on, not changing yer pace because not to surprise it.

And do not run. Oh never never. Never run. I told Mitch that all the time. He would not even go in the close. With dogs ye must never run, even wee dogs. That was the last thing. The alsatian sentry dog would not have bit the paperboy if he had not run. The old man said that and it was true. If ye were feared of dogs they knew it. That was a thing with them. People said they were no clever but they were. They were cleverer than cats. People said cats were the best but to me it was dogs. Cats were just how they done things but dogs were looking at ye all the time so if it was people that was how they knew, they were always looking at ye.

Ye had to watch it. If ye were feared ye acted like ye were not. If ye could forget about it, that was what ye did. Think about other things. If yer school has their football team and you are playing for them and ye score a good goal or cross over a good ball for somebody So if it was for Scotland, imagine it was Scotland Schoolboys played England Schoolboys and beat them 5–3, just one complete team from all the boys, RCs too. It was a real football park and ye ran out the tunnel onto the pitch, then sent over the cross and the centre scored the winner. Even just the BB wee team on a Saturday morning if ye are playing for them. But what if they do not pick ye. Oh you cannot play because ye do not come to the Fall In. But I have to do my deliveries. Oh that does not matter.

Ye just thought of all stuff, just whatever it was and went away thinking about it, then ye forgot about the dog.

***

I carried the delivery sacks inside my school bag so there was no much room. But I hated the school bag anyway, it looked like Primary School. Boys in my class had other ones, just better ones. If I did not have the delivery sacks I would not have brought it, just used my pockets. Then if I went over to my grannie's I would no have had to carry it.

I liked no having to worry about things, bags and books and exercise jotters and pencils and pens. It was all stuff ye did not need. But if a teacher got ye it was hard luck. I was to read a passage out a book for English and was going to borrow it from a boy when one saw me. Where is your book?

I forgot it sir.

You firgoat it.

He came up to the desk and looked down at my school bag. What do you keep in there anyway? I am asking you a question boy. Open your school bag! Are you deaf? Open your school bag! Open it when I tell you. Will you open that school bag! Now!

The class all were watching. I did not care. Who cared about him, no me. He knew what it was, that was in my school bag. I saw he did. How did he know? He just did. I opened the school bag and pulled the sacks out. Maybe somebody told him. I did not care anyway. He held his hand out and I gave him one. What is this? he said.

A delivery sack sir.

A delivery sack sir. He took the three other ones and held them up for people to see, then had two in each hand. It was funny seeing them all crumpled and hanging down. It didnay even look like them. I was nearly laughing. One, two, three, four. Four delivery sacks, he said.

And they could even have had names. I saw that when he held them because there they were, the four ones I knew that were mine and they were different from each other, the one with the rips at the bottom so ye had to carry it up the way else a parcel would fall out and the one with the thin strap, just worn away and ye thought of an old man on his last legs, but wondered if it was going to fucking snap so ye didnay walk across a deep puddle because if it did snap what about yer parcels, imagine they were all fucking soaked so that was you and if nobody took them, ye would just have to fucking pay for them because the boss would just look at ye, It wasnay me that dropped them in the fucking puddle son. That was what he would say.

The teacher was looking at me and saying stuff, holding his hand out, looking down at me. His tie knot was pulled tight and greasy-looking. What did he even want? It was my school bag. I was to give him it. His finger just waggling at me, just stupid. So I was to hand it over, that was funny, his finger, and a dirty nail, teachers with a dirty nail. I gave him the school bag and he looked inside it. Two jotters and no books, he said. Two crushed jotters, and no books. Are you laughing boy?

No sir.

You have no books?

I forgot them sir.

You firgoat them.

Yes sir.

He dropped the delivery sacks on the floor. I reached to get them. Leave them there, he said.

I need them sir.

Leave them there.

But I need them sir.

I said leave them there.

It is my job after school.

I know what it is.

Well I need them. I just need them.

I did not say sir and he heard. I did not care. So it was the belt, who cared about the belt. And if people were watching. So what. That was them, they could just do it, whatever, I did not care. No about any of them, no in that class. I did not care about any of them. And the teacher, what he was saying, Leave them there.

Aw fuck him man, silly cunt. It was Freddy the driver talking. I just reached to get the sacks.

Smith, I have said, leave them.

They are my delivery sacks sir and I need them for my job.

Leave them until later, he said and he turned and walked back to his desk.

So I knew. I was just to leave the sacks there for a wee minute, one wee minute, that was all. Then I bent down and folded them up. I done it quiet, and shoved them back into my school bag. The teacher did not look at me doing it. Other ones in the class were not looking, but some were, I just felt good.

***

I went up a close and it was just something, like a special close, it was no children, and the people were quite old. They put a carpet there on the top landing and flower pots too. It was quiet and I sat on the step on the window landing and just had a rest or else a smoke if Mitch was not there. People did not go up much. If ye were wee ye would think it was a hideout. I saw it the best close in the whole street. That was what it was for me. But then it was, what it was, it was just where it was private because it was just, it was the place, well that was where I just sometimes wanked. And if anybody ever found out, ye could not think about it. I did not tell myself, and stopped myself thinking about it. The only thing sometimes was if it was God, just if it could be. I did not care for myself, if it was about myself, except maybe if God was waiting for me and saw me, people are wandering in the darkness unto the light, even if He was waiting for me for the Confession maybe how Protestants done it. Oh Father, I have sinned and been bad and swearing, just how ye done it in yer prayers. Prayers was talking to God, so that was a Confession, I Confess to you Heavenly Father.

Then ye could tell yer worst secrets. The worst stuff. People said wanking but maybe there was worse. And if ye did not tell Him that was you with a bigger Sin. If ye kept the bad stuff a secret it would all just pile up. Sins and evil deeds. If wanking was an evil deed. I tried to stop it, and no thinking about somebody if I was, I tried no to, but it all just came in my head and did not matter if it came on me, it would not go out my head. It started closes before that one and I started going faster or else if I went slower when I got nearer. I did not feel good about it and after I did it I felt bad. Then walking up the road if ye met somebody, maybe a woman customer and she said, Hullo, ye felt horrible and if it was somebody else like the paperboy, that was the worst, ye were just something what it was, people to laugh at ye.

Mitch did not come much and if he did I was nearly finished so he could not do much work. He always came on Fridays and for collecting money. So he got half the tips. I did not tell Freddy the driver and the paperboy. They would have looked. Oh you are daft. But it was Mitch's job and I just done it. After we paid the money into the boss we split the wages and Mitch got his. Maybe he did not like it because he did not do much. If it was me and I could not do it then he would have gave me it. It was not my job it was his. I was going to say to the boss about getting one for myself so to get the real wage but if I did Mitch could not do his.

I still liked the job, how it gave ye the money and ye did not need nothing off people. What could they say. Nothing. It was not their money it was yours. Ye worked for it, so there was nothing they could say, even yer maw and da. If things went right and ye got good tips then that was you. I made more tips than Mitch. I did not tell him. He asked me, Oh what did you make?

Oh it was good. I just said that. I did not tell him the exact amount. People gave ye more because if they knew ye from giving their deliveries. When they saw Mitch for the money, some did not hardly know him. He thought the third last close was the worst because of the old alsatian sentry dog but I did not care and it was only two more closes to go. The paperboy hated it but he had to go for a customer on the first storey. But he was in and away before me.

The worst dog in the street was not the old alsatian sentry it was a mongrel terrier. It was a mental case. People wished it would get run over. It did a circle dance round ye so ye could not walk, jumping up at ye and barking and shagging yer leg, and even if it was trying to bite at yer bolls. Ye had to pat it hard to get it off ye. I slapped it. I hoped somebody would pass so it would forget me and rush after them. People did not like it and wee weans were scared when it came. It was just nuts. Mitch said that, That dog is fucking nuts. He hated it and did not go near it and just watched when I clapped it. I telled him no to worry, it would not bite ye, except maybe if it gave ye a wee nip by mistake.

The paperboy said, Oh it is just a fucking pest. He did not like dogs either. They jumped up at him when he pushed the papers through people's letterboxes.

But it was me it came to. I saw that. How come? I felt sorry for it and just clapped it. So it was me. If it saw me or got my scent. The dog did not mean any harm, it was just the way it was. So if it was a pest. There were a lot of pests. People were pests. At school it was everybody, nearly everybody. Ye got on the train in the morning, it was like a journey into a horrible dream, ye saw these pictures about other planets. Maybe there was nothing there except a cold landscape, all stones and desert and a dark sky or else scarlet red and brown. Everybody's breath comes out like steam, they are waiting for the train and it is freezing cold. And what will happen what will happen maybe if ye could just disappear for ever and wake up on a sunny beach and just go in for a swim and the water is just clean and light so ye can see all the fish and the coral reefs. Then if ye did come back it is a year later and it would all be over or if ye are standing there, a year just flashed by like a second and ye are shivering away and cannot stop and then the train is crowded full, all people going to school or their work and everybody is there all pushing to get onto the platform, maybe a woman with a pram and a wee baby inside, and she cannot get the pram up onto the step, the wee baby looking about, eyes popping and everybody all crushing and ye get carried this way or that, yer school bag getting twisted, and what will happen, maybe the Fates are going to do something like from history in the ancient days there was all Gods watching ye puny beings, all laughing to see ye falling about, then sticking stuff in yer road so ye might trip up or even setting down a wild beast, ye turn a corner and out jumps a crocodile, so that is yer Fate unless ye can do something about it, if ye have a knife in yer belt then ye can kill it, plunge it down between its shoulders. Ye jump on top of its back and plunge it right in between its shoulders. Ye have to do it and ye cannot miss because ye only get the one chance and if ye do not take it that is you. Because that is yer Fate, that is what lies in store for ye and ye have to deal with it, nobody else will. Who else is there. Even if there are big sentry lions sitting at the gates and if ye want to get through ye have to pass them, huge big lions, a pack of them, or else a dragon from history guarding the temples, so ye have to pass through, and just keep walking, do not stop, do not stop, the dragons are watching ye, do not stop, do not stop. This is yer Fate and ye have to go through the gate, even if the dragons are there, because if ye stop ye will never get through.

And nobody can help. It is you and only you. Who else could it be? Because if it is your Fate then that is you and just tough luck Everybody has their own. Some have it better than others. But if it is yours it is yours and nobody is going to change it.

People cannot fight yer battles for ye, no yer individual ones. That was what my granda said. If my grannie was giving him a row for something, if it was boxing lessons. Oh Vera, the boy has got to fight his battles.

Vera. That was what he called her. It was right enough if they were married. Vera, she was his wife. Oh Vera. Then he would laugh. So did she, she liked him laughing. Granda was good and ye just how everybody was really just like he was not there or passed over or what, it just was not fair, ye really thought that. And ye saw old people and they were walking down the street and then the old man that had the alsatian sentry dog, he was fat and just with a big red face, but he was there and he was old and he was older than granda if he was still there, so it was no even old people.

With granda it was cats. My grannie liked dogs. I did not really like them. If it was cats or dogs, ye just had to be careful. Ye watched them and they watched you, so then ye got to pet them, and when ye were wee ye smoothed them, then they were alright. Then they liked ye and you got to like them, but ye did not start off liking them.

Except just the mongrel terrier, how it went after me. He came running down the street and was jumping all over me jumping all over me, how come naybody else, if they saw it, just like a magic trick hypnotizing it. What did they think? It came bursting out the close to get me. And it was just me and I knew it how it was the smell and a scent. I started it. It was no the dog's fault. The twinges started on me, then getting near that close, that one where I went so I knew was I going to do it, I was hurrying else going slower no to think about it, if I was going to do it, or would I, maybe no, maybe I wouldnay, trying no to, I did not want to but then the twinges and maybe I was going to have one and if the mongrel terrier got my scent. It did. Ye saw dogs, how they got that smell and how they followed ye or else other dogs, they were trying to shag them, ye saw how they done it, and then if they jumped at ye it was yer bolls, that was what they went for.

I knew what it was. So if other people knew This time it was happening Mitch was up a close and I just came down one and here it was it was a nightmare jumping roundabout me on its back legs doing a crazy circle dance trying to get at me and I could not stop it it was worse than ever. I swung a sack at its head but it came back jumping. Now Mitch was there and laughing, but he kept away, feared it went for him. I was shouting at the dog. It was just a stupid mental case.

It was Mitch's next close so I shouted the customer names to him and got out the parcels, flung them for a catch. Mitch was great at catching even if it was a bad fling. He caught them and was laughing, then ran into the close, ran into the close. The mongrel terrier jumped down off me and chased after him. He did not know because he was running up the steps. Then it was barking. I ran into the close, left the sacks on the floor and up the stairs. I could hear the noises and it was funny I got up the second landing. Mitch was just there standing with his hands in the air and the parcels on the floor. His face was all funny, all something, if it was anguish. The dog was bouncing on its back legs with its two front paws hitting in at his chest and clawing up near his chin. And just its loud breathing.

And Mitch's own breath was stuttering like shivering and his body shaking because he was caught there. If I could pull the dog off him. I grabbed at it but it turned and snapped at me. It did not know me, its teeth there nearly biting me, nearly fucking doing it. The collar round its neck but I could not grip it. Oh but Mitch was no in a good state, just no doing nothing except standing and his shoulders tight up and shivering. I did not know what it was or what if maybe I could chap somebody's door or else what I could not think, except I got roundabout it and punched it dead hard on the side of the head and it went right back and landed down the stairs, its paws scrabbling on the steps and its head jerking round and seeing me then that squealing noise like dogs do it was a squealing noise. I had hit it dead dead hard and my hand even was sore, my knuckles, and my elbow too up at my shoulder, and the mongrel terrier's head, it was just a wee head, and I had battered it.

Mitch was nearly as if he was greeting. It was funny. He was leaning against the wall and making gulping noises, getting his breath, how a wee wean does it, if yer da gives ye a skelping, that was what ye done if ye were greeting and yer throat was too sore with it and ye were gasping. Oh Mitch, I said, Mitch. I patted his shoulder. Oh Mitch, alright?

But he did not look at me and went down the stairs. I gave the parcels into the people then I went down. Out the front close he was standing looking up and down, but the dog was away. I lifted the sacks and went out. He showed me his hand where the dog bit him, just wee marks but no blood. Look at mine, I said. My knuckles were a bit bleeding and the skin was tore. My elbow was sore too, down from the bony bit.

Oh, I am just going fucking hame, said Mitch.

Are ye?

Aye. And he just turned and walked away down the street and did not look back. Usually me and him did, and just called it that, last looks, so when ye were going hame ye looked round to see the person and gave a wave if he was looking and ye done it to see who was last. Mitch remembered who it was, so if it was the next day after school, Oh Smiddy I got the last look.

What I noticed too was how he did not say my name. Mitch always said it, Oh Smiddy, Hey Smiddy He liked saying people's names. Now he just went away. Maybe he was angry at me, but it was no my fault, I could not stop it, until then I did.

I did not meant to batter the dog, I was just feared for Mitch. That mongrel terrier was crazy but ye did not think it was dangerous. This time it was. It did not like Mitch. I thought that but did not say it. Dogs like some people and no others. But it was his fault too. Because he was scared. Dogs do not like it if ye are scared. Ye just had to clap the dog and then that was that. I telled him how to do it. Dogs looked at ye and if ye were alright with them they were alright with you.

It was a shame for Mitch. After my tea I thought to go up for him but then I just waited to see. Maybe he would come up for me. But he did not. It was no my fault. Maybe he thought I would tell the boys but I wouldnay have, never.

***

It was Carolyn Smart's close, the nearer ye got to it, then when ye chapped her door and she came out, and what she had on, just pyjama bottoms and on the top a thin jersey thing else a blouse and making her tits jut out and she just was standing there. What was she she was beautiful, just what, a complete darling, if ye could say that it was her and ye could get randy thinking about her even just coming home from school and on the train or whatever ye were thinking about her and if she came to the door, just a complete darling, so with the pyjama bottoms how she would have come home from school then changed her clothes, maybe to do her homework lying on the bed, that was how some lasses done it, so she did not want to crease her school clothes, so she took them off, changed to the other ones and if her stomach was showing, sometimes it was, at her belly, the top she wore, it was too short and did not reach to her waist so ye always saw that bit and even her actual belly button, I saw that too and there was a wee bit sticking out. Mine went in deep and if water came in a wee puddle got left. Hers was just a wee thing in the middle. How come? If that meant anything, or if it was just cause she was a lassie. But boys had it too, I saw them. The cord got cut off and it sprung back into yer belly and into a wee circle, that was yer belly button.

I stared at the doormat when I went to her house. So if I started getting a stiffy going up the stair or coming to her close, no even thinking about it it would be twinges down below and ye were having to stop it. But it would not go away. I stood down at the landing window to think about stuff and take my mind away because if it was a wank, ye could not do it but just thinking it and it would not go down, just staring out the backcourt window, seeing all the stuff and no thinking about a single thing, if ye could, seeing the back walls and the easy climbs, just the same as mine with ronepipes and verandas and if ye could get onto a roof how ye could run along it. I would love to do that. And go right round the block, if the building came to the corner and went round to the next street so it was a corner building, I would like to go on that roof too. Just thinking about that and how it would be and even oh but if she was there again, just a complete darling, people called her that, a complete darling, and her bare feet too, she went in her bare feet, she just came down the lobby in her bare feet and when ye asked her for the delivery money she just went to get it and smiled at ye, that was what she done, it was just a real smile, she did not speak.

I stood looking out the window for ages till I forgot about it, whatever I would think, anything. Then I was at her door and ringing her bell, wondering how things were, if I had made much tips and if I was getting my customers in or were they out so ye did not get paid and would have to come back later, maybe over the weekend or else what, just whatever till then she came to the door and I was just complete red and the stiffy back and just total it was just oh red, red red red, complete blushing. Then she went for her maw's purse and how she walked, how her pyjama bottoms were like they were stuck to her bum and it went side to side side to side, oh she was just a complete darling, ye wanted to just maybe whatever, what it was, whatever it was, ye could not if ye imagined it, even just if ye touched her.

People said that how if ye had a theme for a wank. Give me a theme. They just shouted. Maybe if ye were playing football and one shouted, Oh there is a theme, and ye looked and it was a lassie walking by.

Because that happened a lot in the Sunday games, a lassie walked by and she was a complete darling. Oh she is a theme man look at her! And everybody all stopped playing to go and see her. Oh would ye shag that! Oh what a darling. Look at the fucking tits on that!

If it was Carolyn but, imagine it was, it would just be horrible and I would have hated it. But how would ye get them to shut up? Ye could not, it was Gerry Henderson and McLennan, Gary McNab's brother, all the big ones, they would just look at ye, Listen to wee Smiddy.

Because ye were weer than them. But they were older, that was how they were bigger. I was no wee for my age, just normal. Only my nose and my hair, there was a stupid thing with my hair how a bit would not stay down, I patted water on it but it just dried and stood up, then red faces, ye got sick of it, even somebody telling a joke, if it was a dirty one, it just came on and I had to bend down to tie my shoelaces. Oh look at him man he has got a fucking riddy!

How come ye have got a riddy? People said that.

I did not know. But it was no just me. I did not care. I just hated it. Then if it was Carolyn Smart. Oh he is a wee boy, he has a red face. But she would not think that. Ye could even see it the way she smiled.

On Fridays ye lit a fag if it was a house where lasses stayed and ye kept it in yer mouth, saying how much the customer owed. If they paid with a big note and ye needed a lot of change, ye looked through all yer coins. If a woman came she could be wearing something like a dressing gown and have a smell about her, just a different one and a kind of warm thing about her that was a wee bit like another smell except it was not. They did not really notice ye or else gave ye a look if they did not like ye smoking up their close. Go and smoke up somebody else's close.

Older lasses too, they maybe looked at ye but no hardly noticing then if it was their wee brother came with the money, they just sent him, so they did not care about ye if ye were there. But no if it was Carolyn. She came to the door in her bare feet, just right down the lobby, then her pyjama bottoms and just how she walked, just if she was walking, and did not speak to me. I told the paperboy. She went to his school. He said he did not fancy her but I think he did. It did not bother me. But I liked how if she did not speak to ye, she just smiled, she did not speak, she just smiled at ye, so if it was me at the door, she always smiled at me, she did, I fucking saw it how she did, she just smiled at me.

Oh do not be fucking stupid, he said, she does not fancy you, she gets any cunt she wants. Boys in 5th year. She is in 3rd year, she does not want you, you are no even thirteen.

So? I nearly am.

Aye but you are no the now.

But I soon will be. Then next year fourteen. Then fifteen.

She will be fucking seventeen.

I do not care.

Aye but she does, do not be so daft. You are just a fucking wee boy to her.

Am I fuck.

Aye ye are.

So?

So nothing.

I started laughing.

What ye laughing for?

I am just laughing.

I did not care what he said. People were younger than people. Everybody is not the same age. That was just stupid. What class was she in anyway. I asked him, a high one like 3A or 3B or if it was 3G or whatever. The paperboy did not know. He did not even know. Oh but she is in the netball team, he said, she is good at sport.

As soon as he said it I knew, I knew, I knew she was, of course she was, good at sports, of course she was, just of course, of course.

What are ye laughing for? he said.

Just because I knew, I fucking knew That was the kind of lassie she was ye could just actually see it. That was her, it was just obvious. PE and games like netball and all gymnastics, that was her, swimming too, I bet ye she was just a great swimmer then if it was running races, ye could see her, just how lasses done it, no bothering about people, if boys were watching, she would still do it and just be running. Even how she stood at the front door, if I was getting the money for the deliveries, ye could tell just how she stood. Maybe she dived in if she went to the baths. A lot of lasses did not dive in because of their hair but I thought she would, she would not worry about that, just her hair, that was just stupid, she would just be a girl that dived right in, maybe off the dale. I had never seen a girl dive in off the dale. Maybe one had. Maybe Carolyn. But she would not go to any swimming baths, just her own one, and it would be a club where people had galas and races where yer maw paid for ye. I could join too, if I saved up and paid then I could just go, just myself. Then if she was there, maybe she would be. So I would see her. Nobody could stop ye going, unless it was a club for Catholics. Oh are you a Catholic, say yer Mass, then ye would have to say it. Well I would, I would just try it, and she would know who I was, if she saw me, because it was me done her deliveries, Oh that is the delivery boy. She would just see me and know it was me, she would.

What are ye laughing for? said the paperboy.

Oh just because. It is fucking funny.

What is?

Nothing.

The paperboy was looking at me. He did not know why. Just because. But it was funny, because thinking about her and just how she was I thought if I was going to marry her. That was what I felt, it was just how then I felt it, if I was. So I was laughing, that was how, because if I was going to marry her, maybe I was, I was just going to marry her. Oh I am going to marry her, I said.

What! Fucking grow up you.

No but I am.

She will never marry you, do not be fucking stupid.

His eyes were not moving when he said it, just how he was looking straight at me, just straight at me, and I thought I would burst out greeting. I felt in my chest or in my throat something and I had to gulp and gulp. I was going to say something back but could not because of gulping, I could not. I thought he liked me. I thought he did. But he did not, he did not at all. He was looking at me that way and I needed to get away He hated me. He was never pals with me. Never. He just never was. How come I thought he was he never was.

She is older than you, he said, lasses will no marry a man if she is older.

Lies. Lies. I knew it was lies just rotten lies. I knew it was, how could he just tell lies like that. Just lies, I knew it. Lies lies lies and I knew it was lies and I did not look at him. Because I did not want to. Because what it was, I knew what it was. I just knew.

Lasses have to be younger, he said.

It is no that, you are just a fucking lying bastard, I said, fucking cheating fucking bastard because I know what it is, how come ye are saying it, just cause I am a Protestant, how ye do not take me to the cards either, it is because I am a Protestant. Nothing else. It just was not anything. Because I was a Proddy. It was nothing about nothing except I was a Proddy. It was not with her being older but she was a Catholic. So if the Priests would not let her. Else her maw and da if they did not like Protestants. Some did not talk to ye. So if that was her family. Oh do not marry him, do not let her marry him. That happened if ye married a RC, they got against ye.

It was okay for lasses but no boys. Lasses married Catholics but no many boys. If the Proddy lassie married one, he could not turn, no if he was a Pape. Papes could not turn. Never. The Priests did not let them. Because they wanted the baby. The babies had to go to Chapel and be Catholics. What happened to the baby, the Priest came and took it away and put it into an Orphanage with all Nuns.

No unless ye turned from a Proddy. It was okay then. People turned. Usually lasses. They went to the Chapel and got Instruction and that was all the stuff ye had to do. It was wee exams they had to pass. The Priests went their teachers and done it to them so then they turned Catholics. Except if they failed. Then the Priests did not let them, so if they said no then the lassie could not. So the boy's maw and da would not let him marry her. So he would have to run away They would all be against him. So it would just be his girlfriend, that would be him. He would not want everybody else, just her. What would he want them for? It was her, if he loved her. And he would, that would be what it was. Just true love, that was it, ye met the lassie and she was the one for you. My grannie said that, You will meet the right one son, do not worry.

So ye would just pack yer stuff and away ye go at the dead of midnight, waiting till everybody was asleep and creeping down the stairs. Ye would need yer stuff all packed and ready. Then round to get her. If it was me, I would not care about creeping down the stairs. I would just run down, I would just clatter. I would not care. My da would never catch me. It would be too late. He would still be in bed so he heard the door banging — I would just slam it — but I would be away, so he would have to get dressed, putting on his shoes. By that time he would never catch me. He would not know where to run to. Because he would not know the lassie! Oh who is she?

He would not know because I would never tell him or my maw. My maw would have wanted to know but I would never have telled her either. She would try to find out. I would tell the boys no to tell her. Maybe they would not know Maybe I would no tell anybody, if it was my brother or who? Nobody. Only Mitch but he was not there so nobody nobody nobody. Except maybe my grannie. No. Not even her. I liked my grannie but I would not tell her.

Maybe I would. No if my Uncle Billy was home. He had a pal married a RC and what happened, when his back was turned, away she went to the Chapel, even taking his weans. Everybody knew except him. They kidded on they did not know but they all did. Then too it was in her Will. That was Uncle Billy said, his pal found out the truth, when she passed away it was the Chapel was getting her. The Priests were going to snatch away the coffin and bury her at a High Mass. Uncle Billy's pal was in the Lodge. Now he was going to have to go to Chapel. He did not know he would. But all other people knew. Even in the Lodge. They just had pity for him. Oh they pity him, said Uncle Billy.

He would have to kneel down, Bless me Father, I confess Father, I am a sinner Father.

Even if it is an old man and the Priest is a young one, the old man has to call the young one Father, Sorry Father and then confess all his sins.

And what would the Priest be doing? Maybe he was just laughing. Oh what is this old man saying! He is just an old codger.

So just laughing at an old man. Imagine a Priest done that. But I could not imagine it. Priests were like Ministers except Catholics, it was just what ye were, some were Priests and some were Ministers, it was just religion and what ye were. I fucking hated it. The paperboy too. People were boasters and he was one. I did not care about what he was meaning, Proddies and RCs, I didnay fucking care about them.

I said it to him another time and we were walking home and just stopped for a smoke. I was talking because he did not. He did not talk first, just waited for me to say something then he came in, Oh that is fucking wrong man do not say that, that is pure fucking shite.

Well you say something.

Fuck off.

You do not say nothing, it is just me, then ye just come in and say it is fucking shite, well you say something.

Fuck off.

But he did not say stuff so I could listen. It was just me. That was the same with my brother. It was always me talking, he never said nothing till I did then he just came in, Oh do not talk such rubbish, that is just rubbish.

The paperboy was like Matt. I said it, You are like my fucking brother.

What ye fucking talking about? I am no like yer fucking brother.

Aye ye are.

Fuck off.

I did not talk to him about Carolyn Smart. Never ever. I just wished it was Mitch because then, because Mitch was a real pal.

The paperboy said stuff. All people did. They said stuff and it was just boasting. And me too, I fucking done it and it was just total horrible shite, just horrible horrible shite and boasting rotten rubbish. I spoke about Carolyn Smart to Sabby and McEwan heard. I said about Carolyn Smart and it was all just stupid nonsense and how come I said it, it was just the worst boasting and me doing it, just complete stupid nonsense about truth, dare or promise, and there was never any truth, dare or promise it was all just horrible boasting shite how I was to feel her tit and she had to let ye if it was truth, dare or promise, that was it if ye were playing, a lassie had to let ye do it, and McEwan was there listening too and I showed Sabby how with my hand, just for a squeeze, yer hand was just gripping over and ye just squeezed her tit. But then when I done it McEwan said, Oh for fuck sake, and went away, and Sabby just laughed and went away after him. I would never ever do that again. Never ever. Never.

***

If it was yer Fate to go to Hell how did ye know? Maybe it came into yer head, God put it there. He said yer Fate so ye knew it without thinking. It was inside ye but ye never knew till after ye were dead. Ye woke up and ye were in Hell. Who could ye say it to? Oh here ye are. But ye were, and ye just looked about.

But if it was not fair. What if ye led a good life and did good deeds? How come it was Hell? It would be a big surprise. Except ye were a sinner.

Everybody was a sinner. Ye went to hell because of it. So how come everybody did not go? Because it was no their Fate. Some people had bad Fates. Tough luck for them, they done good deeds but still went to Hell. They could not make up for it. Even if they done all good deeds, that was them.

Other ones done evil deeds, so if they just got away with it. The Registration teacher talked about it. God's way is a mystery to us. If we could but fathom it but we are puny beings.

What about yer own Fate, if that was Hell? Sometimes it sounded daft. Ye could never imagine it. All people burning in big fires and screaming and it was forever, just screaming. Oh you will go to the big fire. People said that when ye were wee. It sounded stupid. Who lights the fire? Oh is it God or the Devil or who else? If it is an Angel how come he is in Hell? Angels do not go to Hell. So it must be an evil Angel and he lights the fire but then if he jumps in after so he will burn.

Other times it did not sound stupid. If ye did evil deeds ye would get punished. That was right enough. Even deeds nobody knew. Nobody saw ye and heard ye and ye did not tell nobody. So they did not know. Not in the entire world. Except God, because God. Ye could not do a single thing except He knew. A Bible Class teacher always said that to us. But He knew anyway if it was Fate. It was Him gave ye it.

Even dogs had their Fate. Some went to Heaven and some went to Hell. Ye felt sorry for the ones that went to Hell because if it was not their fault. What was a dog's evil deeds? What Fate did it have? Some just were stupid, they ran out in front of a car and got knocked down or just the mongrel terrier, I felt sorry for it.

So a wee wean did not go to Hell. So how come a dog? Dogs did not know. So how come they went to Hell? If it was the human trained it, ye could not blame it. It was not fair to have it destroyed, that was not fair, except if it was the human, he got destroyed, it was him trained it if he was the master, so it was him to blame. So it was me, if the dog liked me and then I done something bad, so it was me.

***

Uncle Billy put his money on horse racing. He got beat and talked about it a lot. My grannie just looked at me if his horse was running on the telly and he was shouting, Bloody stupid bloody horse.

Oh he is shouting at the horse, she said, listen to him. He works down in England. But what does he have to show for it? Nothing. Money just slips through his fingers. Oh if he got paid for playing billiards, then he would be alright. He could not even afford to get married, if ever he found a girl.

She said the same things. Uncle Billy just winked. If the horse won sometimes he gave ye money. Oh Kierie boy, there is a wee bung for ye.

He done it when I was wee and gave me the wink so no to tell people. He still done it now I was old. I had money in my pocket but my grannie said, Oh just take it son.

Uncle Billy laughed. Oh mother mother, sweet mother of mine.

My grannie liked him saying daft stuff. She acted like she did not but she did. But she did not like it when he gave her cuddles. She hated cuddles. I done it when I was wee and she said, Oh it is not good for children, if there is germs. Only the forehead son.

So ye could just kiss her on the forehead. That was the same with Uncle Billy. Oh do not come near me, she said, big beery breath.

I am not beery breath, no yet anyway!

He was going out to the pub with his pal and meeting other ones. And then it is the jigging, we are going to the jigging.

Who would dance with you, said my grannie.

Oh plenty, plenty.

He was going back to England on Sunday night. The bus left at midnight and got there in the morning. He went straight to his work. Oh I sleep on the bus, he said. And then I sleep at my work.

When are ye coming back?.

I am no sure. But I will be coming home for good soon. I am sick of it down there. People do not even talk to ye if ye are Scottish. If it was not for my landlady She is the only one.

Oh maybe you will marry her, said my grannie.

Maybe I will, three square meals and extra helpings. Eh Kierie boy ye have to watch out for these wummin.

He looked at me for a laugh but my stomach went bad. That was it now. I was anyplace at all and away thinking about things and stuff was just there filling my head. What would happen to me? I did not know. I did not know. If it was a girl in the class and she was laughing to her pal, just that one wee second. A feeling struck through me just sudden and in my heart or there someplace, down to my stomach, if it was not my heart. Maybe if it was my soul. It was the worst nightmare. I could not do nothing, and just if I could away and just go someplace away someplace and just stay there. I would never just be.

I did not know what to do.

Uncle Billy was going to meet his pal Chick. He got the van from his work when we did the flitting to the scheme. How come we ever went to the scheme, it was just fucking horrible, bloody just horrible. I did not like swearing in my grannie's, even in my head. Swearing in yer head is the same as out loud, if it is you that does it. I liked swearing but no in my grannie's.

Uncle Billy had his good shirt and tie on and his big coat as well. Oh it is freezing out there, he said, it will snow the night. Come on Kierie boy, I will walk ye down to the subway.

Yes, said my grannie, because it passes his pub.

Uncle Billy just laughed, waiting on me to come.

Oh it is okay Uncle Billy, I will stay a wee while yet.

Oh ye will will ye! Are ye sure?

Yes.

My grannie did not say anything. She was glad.

Well

Oh away to the pub, said my grannie.

I will. You are no making me feel guilty.

I did not think I would.

I went to the door and waved to him going down the stairs. But it was quiet when he went. He made grannie laugh and she liked him. He was just always cheery. People smiled, even my maw. Even my da. My da liked him too.

But if Uncle Billy liked my da, he did not see him much. My da said, Tell Billy hullo from me and it is time we went for a pint.

Uncle Billy smiled when I telled him. Say hullo back to him. But he did not come much to our house. My grannie never did. Her and granda only went once to our house. My granda said, Oh it is a wagon train, ye will meet Red Indians over there, it is too faraway.

Auntie May never came either. How come?

People do not do things. Uncle Billy asked how Matt was and said to me quiet, Does he come to visit his grannie?

Aye, I said but I did not think he did. Maybe he did. I did not see him here. I came at daytime as well because with school, I was dogging it a lot, but I did not see Matt.

My grannie just opened the door and let me in. She did not say about me coming. She made me something to eat, boiled eggs or tomatoes and cheese on biscuit things.

She did not buy much bread, but a lot of tomatoes. I went her messages to the dairy and for Mrs Duncan down the stair. She was grannie's pal. If she was not in her house I chapped Mrs Duncan's door and that is where she was, if they were just drinking tea or watching television. Mrs Duncan knitted but my grannie did not, and never watched television in her own house, just in Mrs Duncan's. Sometimes I got her messages too. She gave me money for going. I did not want it but she said to take it. Oh if people give ye things, ye should just take them.

My maw did not think the same. You do not need things from people. You should just smile and say, No thank you.

I liked looking at granda's stuff. My grannie did not mind. She said to take some but I did not. But I would after. I told her. And all his tools, I took them out the box and laid them out on the floor. So if it was an electric plug and ye had to fix it, ye had the wee screwdriver to open it up. I saw my da doing it and now here was the stuff for grannie, if she needed it. Then the axe and the hammers. Some screwdrivers were sharp, ye could stab people with them. I could have took one.

My granda let me go into the box when I was wee. If he was doing a job he brought me into it and gave me a question. We need tools son, what tools do we need? So then we would go and see in the box. It was all a jumble. When he told ye to find a spanner or a hammer or pliers ye had to sort through everything. There was no order, just all stuff on top of each other. Sometimes yer hands jagged into sharp ends and nailpoints or ye caught a bad skelf or else a tiny wee clip went under yer fingernail or ye pulled out a tool from the bottom and something heavy turned over and landed on yer fingers. But it was still great looking and ye aye found stuff ye had never seen before.

I went to my old library down at the park. It was great and all the books ye got. I could see in the adult library if I liked. Some books ye got in the juniors ye got in the adults. Ye were supposed to live roundabout to get their books. If ye lived someplace else ye were to use yer own library. But it was only the mobile one we had in the scheme. I wrote down my grannie's address.

I read books at a table beside the window. The winter was there and it was good looking out. I had books planked on the shelves so I could just read them when I came. I hid them flatways behind ones nobody took out. There was dust on them.

My grannie read magazines and books too. She read her same ones and kept her place with handkerchiefs. The handkerchiefs were ladies' ones. They were small with fancy edges. If ye opened her book they kept the pages. I wished I could stay with her. There was the swimming baths too. I said to grannie about going but she did not want to. Oh maybe sometime, she said.

But there was space for me in the spare bed. Auntie May was in her own flat now and had a boyfriend.

But I did not like walking down to the subway on Saturday nights because if Rangers were playing in the afternoon. Usually there was trouble or ye thought there might be and were watching for gangs. If ye saw any ye went fast but no running, and no looking back till ye got round a corner. Then ye ran. But if they were in front of ye, what now, down another street through the backcourt but what if they came after ye and caught ye, they would give ye a kicking. They would see what religion ye were. Oh what street do ye live in? What team do ye support? What school do ye go to? Are ye a Proddie bastard?

No, I am a RC.

Well ya daft cunt we are Proddie bastards. Most gangs were Proddies. If they caught ye, really, it did not matter what ye were ye were going to get it. Maybe if some of my old pals from Primary were there they would see me, Oh he is one of us, and we would just shake hands. Oh where are ye staying now Smiddy?

But I never saw pals from the old place. I would have went with them. Maybe they were there and I did not know them. They would not look the same. I could not think of their faces.

I was no good at faces. I tried to see them in my head but I could not, they were just all dim and looking the one way. The same with granda. He came into my head a lot. If it was his face usually it was the same one. He had his own wee wave. So saying cheerio to my grannie I done the wave so she would see then went out quick, shutting the door, going down the stairs, water out my eyes. So I was greeting. Sometimes I was.

Hearing him laugh or else his voice to me.

I tried to see his face different, and he was doing the windmill and I was to box inside and hit him, he was just laughing, waggling his fists and showing his chest to punch him. I even got angry when I was wee. Punch punch, that is good son.

I should not have got angry. Imagine getting angry. No with granda. I could not ever hit him, granda was great, he was just great. I was not.

It was bad things, ye done them and should not. If people knew about them. Maybe I would go away. I would have to. If people ever knew.

Dead people watch ye from the other side. Billy MacGregor had ghost comics with tales from beyond the grave. My da had books from the Navy. Him and his pals read them at sea, they swapped them round. He liked science fiction and cowboy stories. Matt read them too. Some of the science fiction was like horror books and one I looked in was sexy and getting into temptation where the man was getting pulled down into the dank and soggy earth but what was happening to him, I did not know, if he was a RC. It just said Christian but really it was RC because he had the Priest there and making the Sign of the Cross on his chest. Oh keep out the Evil One. Oh my Father I have Sinned. Tell me my Son.

I did not know my da would read that. I confess oh Father.

The Priest says, Oh Edouard beware the Dread Ghost, it is a Dread Ghost.

But it is not like a real ghost, only a tempting devil from a horror world beyond and it was the ghost of a departed spirit but it was not a real ghost from a real person, it was a Dread Ghost of an Alien, or like the Evil Spirit of an Alien or maybe a ghost from a long-lost planet in a long-lost universe where it is all evil and they all are Devil-worshippers and all backward prayers and upside-down Holy Mothers of God, but they are not, it is just the Devil. But it was in the body of a girl with a torn dress and one of her legs was bare all the way up and Oh milky-white skin, it is milky-white skin of a soft thigh, oh oh, and it was just the way it was in the story how she was waving to ye. She beckoned. She beckoned ye. But it was from beyond the grave. Where she was leading ye ye did not know if it was murderous deeds except how ye were reading it, if ye got a wee bit randy, that was what happened. I stopped reading it. My maw was there. I was in the kitchenette and she was making the tea. Matt was in the bedroom doing his studies. My da was not home yet so I went ben the living room.

And the man got put behind a walled tomb, Edouard, and it caves in on top of him and he screams and screams but it all falls on deaf ears. He is covered in the dank and soggy earth, filling up his pores, all in his pores, and he cannot breathe, and it is only silence all around and the dank and soggy earth is all in his mouth and up his nose and that is him doomed for ever if he cannot breathe, Oh I cannot breathe I cannot breathe, if he can offer up a prayer. But he cannot. But he does not die but forever and ever he is a living corpse with a waking death doomed unto Eternity. This is his punishment. He did not heed the Priest's warning. And now he hears his friends walking on the carpet of grass above his horrible tomb and he would want to tell them all what happened and to be on the lookout and saying about temptation, Oh if it comes in a cunning disguise, do not fail me old friends, at what befalls us, if it is this, we are as puny men, only pray to God and do not forget me.

But his pals could not hear nothing at all except maybe the wind just whistled a wee bit through the trees and one of them goes, What was that?

Oh it is just the wind.

But into their mind comes a picture of the man and they see his face, Oh it is Edouard, and they know then it is an awful truth, he is passed onto the other side. Except he is not because he is buried alive and just doomed as a Living Corpse. Now it is all silent, not a bird chirping and not a breath of wind and it is just scary, for in that time night had fallen as before their very eyes and there in the gloom is a ghostly figure, if it is a lassie and she has a torn dress, it is, and one of her legs is bare all to the top and her thigh is milky-white plump. Plump. And milky-white breasts, but her red lips are real blood, for all the time she is just the Mask of Temptation. The book was called that. I went through the pages. Then in the library I went to find if the book was there too but it was not but other ones were. I just looked at them, sexy ones too.

I did not believe in dead people walking about. It was just stupid. A boy in the class said it one time and people laughed at him. I listened, but I thought the same. It was all just daft, if people were walking about everywhere and it was all ghosts and spirits. How did they do it? Oh they are invisible. Ye can just walk through them and they walk through you. If ye feel a wee shiver well that is them. People thought that.

But then at nighttime it came into yer head and ye saw the dark outside the curtains, it just came in yer head. If there were spirits, maybe they did not walk. How come they walked. They just would fly. That was all they needed was air because they were not flesh and blood with the thickness of bodies. They were wisps. Spirits were wisps and just in the breeze, floating this way and that, and it did not matter how high up ye stayed.

Spirits of yer loved ones, there was a space in between, after they breathed their last and before they got to up above. They had to spend their time on Earth to see ye were okay. That was Guardian Angels. If ye were going wrong and ye needed a guiding hand, so maybe ye had relatives that passed on, they were there to help ye. Oh see your path ahead it is straight and narrow.

Once they went up to Heaven that was them and ye would not see them again, no even if they were spirits. My grannie said, Oh son ye just pass to the other side.

But if the other side was not Heaven. If it was the bit in between, ye had to go there first, and then pass over after. In that first bit ye saw humans walking about but ye were a spirit and could not touch them. Yer spirit was suspended. So ye were dead and floated about and did good tasks, ye had to. Ye did not get to Heaven until ye finished them. Maybe ye had lived a bad life. No too bad or it was Hell. But just ye were not good enough for Heaven so God gave ye tasks and once ye done them that was you. Maybe if it was Fate or else whatever it was but ye could not get to Heaven till they were done, so yer spirit wandered the land maybe helping people, or if it was bad ones ye were haunting them. Imagine that, it was bad people and ye were to haunt them. Ye would even quite like that, hiding up closes and jumping out. Ye saw that it in ghost pictures. But it would be strict and serious till after a certain time it was okay, another Angel came down to tell ye or whatever it was, ye just knew deep down, if God said it inside yer head. So then yer time had come and now ye done the real pass over and it was up to Heaven. Ye got it in Hymns as well, Oh when we pass over, if we reach the other side, it is the far shore.

Protestants believed it as well as Catholics, then if the spirits talked to ye in Seance meetings where people brought back the dead. My grannie knew an old lady who went to them. Oh who is there, who is there. They all held hands and one person called out to the spirits. Identify yourself. Who are you who are you? Oh I am a spirit of the dearly departed and it is okay it is a beautiful place on the far shore we have guiding lights to lead us

It acted like magic but it was not magic. But there was a lot of fakers about. But some were true and a spirit came back if it was to tell ye something that was going to happen if ye did not watch it. Something horrible. It had to warn ye and was trying so hard to reach ye, if it was a special spirit from beyond the grave, Oh save me save me.

But then if evil ones were watching, just walking beside ye. Sometimes ye felt it going down the street, one was walking beside ye. Oh who is that? If it is a ghastly presence. People said that in books, Oh I felt it, it was a ghastly presence. And ye passed a close, Oh if they grabbed ye and pulled ye in.

But evil spirits do not murder ye. They cannot. Else they always would. If they did then you would be a spirit as well so you could fight them back. They would be scared of that. But when they killed ye they would escape. It is a split second till yer spirit leaves yer body. If ye could just get fast out it would be okay, but ye cannot. So then they escape and ye have to go looking for them. But how do ye find them if it is all just floating in the sky? Ye are doomed until ye do. Oh I am in torment, I cannot pass over until the Evil One is found.

Then ye find him and what do ye do because ye cannot kill him back, no if the two of yez are spirits, because that just makes more spirits, if spirits have spirits, or else if ye tell God on him. Except God knows already.

And if it is your own spirit, is it good or evil. Ye do not know until ye are dead. Have ye done good deeds? Good spirits come and help ye do good deeds so ye will become a good spirit yerself and go to Heaven.

Ye wanted to do good deeds. I thought about it in bed or what, sitting on the train, Oh imagine I am walking down the street and an old blind man is there and cannot cross over for the busy traffic. I will just run and help him. Or a wee wean is lost, so I would go into the woods or round the streets and there I find it and take it home, Oh it is Kieron Smith.

I done it if people locked themselves out, I just climbed the balcony, opened the window and let her in, except if ye got caught it was a doing off yer da and a row off yer maw. Oh Kieron I do not care if you are helping somebody, they should know better than to ask ye to climb a building, that is just an outright disgrace.

But if the woman was in sore bother cause she could not get in her house. Maybe she had a pot boiling or a frying pan burning. Chip pans caught fire, all the burning oil so then the house burned down. A woman up the next close to my grannie threw a basin of water on the chip pan and the burning oil all came out and went all everywhere and burnt the flesh off her bones. So if it was going to be a fire and ye stopped it, so it would be a good deed. Even if yer maw said it was not one ye would know it was. Then maybe another day ye were walking down the street and ye felt a presence, the wind blowing like a whisper and it is the breath of a good spirit floating beside ye, Oh well done, that was good helping that poor woman, you were brave going up the ronepipe.

Because sometimes it was slippery. I thought that too, if a good spirit was going with ye, maybe if it was granda, he had just passed over and was climbing with ye so it would not go wrong, just helping with yer grips. But what if it was a bad spirit? I used to think that. Oh what if it makes me put my foot in the wrong place. Or else my foot got jammed in between the ronepipe and the wall and I would topple back over, all my body except just my one foot stuck in. And I would be flapping my arms and just seeing my foot come out inch by inch till then I was falling. Maybe a bad spirit would make me do it. Or lift off my fingers if I was going up a tree, one floated up to get me and if it was reaching high and came to my fingertips and just lifted them off one by one by one, or if it was a ronepipe and ye were getting to the very top and the spirit just blew the wind and knocked ye off. So yer granda would be there, his spirit would come to yer rescue, maybe a breath of wind or a hard blowing wind, to stop ye hitting the ground heid first, ye would land one foot at a time, nice and soft, or else in a big pile of sacks and just get up and walk away, Oh that was lucky, and it would be, except if it was him, yer granda.