Kieron Smith, Boy

Podgie was still kicking the ball and boys were laughing, a lot of Primary 6 S. They just wanted in with Podgie. Julie Michaels, Rona Craig and Lorna Buckle had gone over to the edge of the shelter with other ones out our class. Isabel Hartley shouted at Podgie, Oh you are just a child, you should just act yer age!

Podgie and Gary were laughing. Mitch was laughing too but it was daft and I did not want to. It was what wee boys done. So if Podgie was yer pal. But he was not a real pal.

Now the ball got booted out the shelter. It travelled right the way down the playground. Oh for f**k sake. I heard somebody saying it.

Who was it thumped the ball? Podgie was asking. Whoever thumped it would have to go and get it. That was what he said. But we knew it was him. We all were looking. Who was going to get it? Nobody, no unless a wee boy, if Podgie made him. The rain was bouncing off the ground.

Billy MacGregor said, Oh Smiddy, did ye hear about the Lifies? They are starting soon. They telled us down the Church.

They are going to have a football team, said Peter Wylie.

Oh that is smashing.

You joining?

Aye, I said, we had a great Lifies back in the old place.

So did we, said Peter and was telling about how all the things they done. Me and Billy were saying about it too. I saw Julie Michaels looking at us. If she was listening. She saw me seeing her and turned to Lorna Buckle.

Then Podgie was there and saying about climbing. He was just butting in. How come he was talking about that? He thought we were talking about it but we were not. Podgie did not like climbing. Because really he could not climb. So how come he was saying about it?

Except just getting in with us, he did not like us talking because he was not here. He wanted to stand with us so we would be with him. It was to be the boss.

He was looking at me. How come? I did not care. Because I did not like him booting the ball into the lasses. Because I went with Peter Wylie and Billy MacGregor.

If he said about climbing, that was just stupid. The other one that did not climb was John Davis. Podgie hated it because then it was him and John Davis and that put them together. Even a wee wall. Oh climbing is's***e. I cannot be bothered climbing. That was Podgie. But if he climbed a wee wall then he could climb a big one. I even said it to him. Climb a wee wall first then do a big one. It is just the same.

No it is not.

It is. Ye just do not look down, no till ye get good at it.

That is right, said Peter Wylie.

Is it f**k, said Podgie, what if ye fall off:'

Aye but ye do not fall off, I said.

Oh you are always talking.

No I am not.

You think you are the best climber.

No I do not. I do not.

I saw other people looking. But I did not say I was the best climber. I was not a boaster, if they thought I was, I was not. So if I was a best climber. But no the complete best. I did not say I was.

But so maybe I was. I did not care. If I was I was. If I wanted to climb something I climbed it. If I wanted to. It was up to me. I would just do it. It was my business. Even if it was my da. I did not care if it was my da. I said it. Oh if I want to climb something I will climb it. I just want to do it.

Well what if it is yer da? said Podgie. If he f*****g catches ye.

What about it?

Oh ha ha, said Podgie. So he gives ye a doing!

Well that is his business.

So if he batters ye?

It is his business.

Ha ha.

Well I do not care either if it is me. Mitch said, If it is my f*****g da, and he catches me if I am doing something I do not f*****g care. I would just kill him.

People were looking when Mitch said that.

Other people now were talking about their das and what like they were. Lasses too. Then Rona Craig said about her da, how he got killed in the Army. I knew that because she said it before. It was her maw and her grannie in the house. I liked that, so ye just could do things, if yer da was not there. She had a big brother too. Me and the boys knew him because he had great bikes and showed ye how to do stuff. I liked Rona Craig. She had a wee face and brown hair and just how she had a quite loud voice and was aye laughing and playing with other lasses. She was quite cheeky Her voice was there now and ye heard her, she was saying about her uncle and auntie. They were taking her and her cousin to the circus for a Christmas present, it was to the Kelvin Hall, the circus and the carnival were coming. Oh I am going too! shouted a lassie.

Oh my da worked in the carnival, said somebody.

Donald MacDonald said how his uncle was a great football player with Rangers. But he did not play for Rangers, it was just trials to play for them. A Primary 6 boy's uncle played for a team down in England. Another one shouted about his granda played for Clyde and got capped for Scotland. I did not know who the boy was. I thought he was Primary 5 except Primary 5S usually were in the other shelter.

Now people were saying about their grannies and grandas. I could have about mine and how he was a good boxer, his pal wore the amateur vest for Scotland and was a champion, then my grannie too and how if it was swimming, she was just a great swimmer. But now all people were talking and just loud so ye could not hear one because they all were doing it. The wee ones too, Oh de de de de de de, de de de de de de. It was seagulls out the shelter, goh goh goh goh, quoh quoh quoh. All their voices.

The rain got louder now and pattering off the roof, bouncing off the ground. People were watching it. Podgie said, Oh Smiddy, I know a wall ye cannot climb.

He stepped out, pulling his jacket up over his head, and pointing up at the school roof. Ye cannot climb that. Ye can never climb that.

How no?

Because ye cannot.

How?

Just because ye cannot.

How?

Oh are you trying to say ye could? Oh are ye? Are you trying to f*****g say ye will climb it?

Maybe.

Well do it?

No.

Because ye f*****g cannot. Ye cannot. If ye could ye would.

Maybe.

Do it!

No.

Because ye cannot.

Maybe I can.

Well go and f'*****g do it.

No the now if it is raining, it is pelting.

Well do it after. Do it at four o'clock.

Podgie was talking in a loud voice. So people all were hearing. Lasses too. All watching. So if ye were going to climb it or ye were just a coward? Did ye just do what Podgie telled ye to do? That was Mitch. Go and skelp that lassie's b*m and he would go away and do it.

Podgie was laughing at me. How come? I never done nothing to him. It was just jealous.

Oh he was the best at everything. That was what he wanted. Okay if it was fighting and throwing stones and stuff, or if football, sometimes he was good at football and ye said that, maybe, maybe if he was. But no climbing. No running. No swimming either, he never went. I said to Mitch how he never came to the swimming baths, just because he cannot swim!

But even if it was yer da. Podgie had the best da. Oh my da comes here with me and goes there with me. Oh if my maw says that to me. Just leave the boy alone.

That was Podgie's da. He got Podgie the Rangers strip so he was going to play for Rangers. Ye just got sick of it.

Then Gary McNab said, Ye going to do the school roof Smiddy?

Maybe.

When? said Podgie. Do it the f*****g now. No.

So when?

At four o'clock. No if it is raining but. I am no doing it if it is raining.

***

It was a flat roof. If ever a ball went up it would stay up. But none went up. People said they did but it was too high. I thought that. How could ye kick one up? Ye could not. Except if ye threw it. But ye could not. No even a wee one. Even if ye batted it up. Unless maybe a golfball. I did not care about balls on the roof. Better if there was none. I did not want nothing on the roof. It was the highest. Nobody would see ye up on it. Ye would just be there and that would be that. So if ye were up ye were up, seeing down over all the roofs, right the way over and then there were the hills away way over the gun-site and up to the highlands. That was us in the new scheme. The Minister said it at Friday Assembly. Only thank the Heavenly Father because where we were, it was the beautifullest place if ye would want to be anywhere. Imagine ye were stuck in the middle of the town and could not see any single thing except tenement buildings, would that not be awful? Only give thanks to the Heavenly Father.

Reverend Christie had a baldy head and a tough face but people liked him because he told stories from the Bible and good ones about the Army and stuff. Oh there was this young man who saw slaughter with a heavy heart. One day we would all grow up.

After he finished and sat down Mr Reid stood up, the Headmaster. Thank you Reverend Christie. We do not want harum scarums at this school. We are a new school in a new scheme and we are new people, we are all ourselves new from what went before so here is new chances and a new life and we all are so so lucky to get it.

Mr Reid had an angry temper. So if it was mischief-making, there would be none of that in this school and if it was breaking windows or climbing buildings or doing any single last thing he would be completely angry and maybe expel ye.

That was what he said. People would get expelled for climbing stuff. Oh and what would yer mother and father say about that? Your mother would be crying and your father would just be so upset and angry and you could not blame him if ye got a real leathering, it was only to be deserved.

Some were looking round to see. And it was me. But how come? If it was. If somebody telled the Headmaster. Maybe they did. Oh if they did. So if I could not climb the roof.

Reverend Christie was on the chair beside the Headmaster and his head was nodding up and down.

After Assembly we went to our own class and Ruthie Grindlay was beside me at the desk. Oh uh Kieron what did ye do?

Nothing.

Oh uh.

I did not do nothing at all.

Oh are you climbing the roof?

I did not say things to her because she just would tell people.

And Gary McNab too. Oh Smiddy ye going to climb the roof?

My stomach was just ohh ohh. I could see out the window, the rain still coming, but only spitting. So if it went off and the wall was dry.

But I was not doing it. What about the Headmaster? So if I was a coward. If people thought that. How come they did not climb it? If it was only me. How come?

Because Podgie. Podgie made ye. That was what he done. He got people to do stuff.

But if I climbed it I climbed it. It was my business. If I done it, it was me. Maybe I would maybe I would not. Only I would see. If I did I did.

What like was the roof? Maybe I would do it.

At four o'clock people went to the shelter. No many lasses came. Ye could see them over at the school gate looking back to us. The rain was still spitting, it was too slippy, I was not going to do it, except what if I did, it was just my business.

Then the jannie was there. He came walking out a wee side door. He had his coat on and his hands in his pockets. He was not looking to us but if ye went to the building he would see ye. He had a wee smile on his face. Usually he did. Mr Thompson. He was a BB Officer and people liked him. If he saw ye doing something ye were not to he just said, Yes boy! So ye stopped. But he did not tell the Headmaster.

Now he was standing by the school wall. But he would go away soon. Mitch and them were beside me, Podgie as well. You going to do it? Eh. Eh Smiddy?

Maybe.

So if I did it. If I did it I did it. A lot were there and looking at me.

At the top of the building ye could see the roof the same as mine, how ye reached the top and the edge stuck out. That was roofs. It was the gutter and then the slates sloping down. Ye could not get on to my roof Ye got stuck underneath, I just touched it thinking about if I could, maybe I could but I did not think so.

I did not like looking up if the roof was near, so all ye saw was the sky. Ye felt funny and yer head, even if ye were dizzy. So if it happened I put my hand in between the pipe and the wall, twisting it. And my knee too. I could press it in better if it was a wee bit sideways. But still if I looked up at the edge of the roof a funny feeling started oh if my shoulders went back and my hands came loose, if that happened.

How could it? Except if somebody done it and pulled me back. An invisible ghost. But if it was a new building ye would not get ghosts, but a bad angel, if it was pulling up my fingers or just it was happening and nobody was doing it, just them themself, all popping out, pop pop and it all comes away.

I was seeing my fingers there and what like they were, no mine's. Whose were they? They were keeping me up. Imagine somebody pulled them up one by one. If it was one complete hand came off.

But I could do that easy Ye had to else ye could not climb. One hand on and one hand off, that was how ye done it. One touched down and the other came off. So for that wee split second, if none hand was holding the pipe. It could. Ye could just whizz it so none was touching. Just for one wee tiny toty wee second. So if ye did. And ye would not fall. How come?

Or if ye just leaned in tight, moved yer belly in or yer shoulders and yer head, just move right up close, and if ye done that then take yer hands away, if they were holding the pipe, take them away, because ye could, ye would not fall. Ye would not. No if ye had it right. Ye would still hold yer balance. I could. I did not need my hands, I could just climb even just with my knees and my feet, that was all I needed.

So then at the top, if I was underneath and the roof jutting over, so then I would just go back a wee way, just very very wee, reaching back behind my head, just putting up my hands to get a grip, maybe there was not a grip. But there would be. So my hands would get there onto the top and my body holding on below, so then if ye just pulled up a wee bit by bit by bit so then up ye come and yer body could just swing out a wee bit and coming up and so then what, getting on yer elbow and it would just be yer knees now, oh mammy, and ye were having to, oh mammy, I could not do it except maybe I could, if I could. If I could I could. My feet would be there and it would be just my knees, letting them go one by one if my elbow was on, if I got my elbow on because then I could do it and could take my weight, that was all I needed. Because ye could not just go to the wee pipe where it met the gutter because it was not a real pipe, it was just a bit of one where it joined the gutter and the ronepipe down, so if ye held on to it it would just come away in yer hand, the nails would pop and it was not welded, welded was like glued the gether so the two bits did not come open.

Oh I did not know, I did not know.

Most ones had went home already. It was just me and the boys now and ones from Primary 6. But the jannie was still there. He was standing then just marching a wee bit one way then the other. One time he came along and looked over at us but he did not say nothing. His arms were folded.

Oh I am going f*****g home, said Gary.

Are you doing it or no? said Podgie.

Oh I will do it another time, I said.

***

It was me had to switch channels on the television. I was nearest. I sat on the floor beside the settee and could just crawl over and do it. I liked sitting there. Ye did not see people and could just watch the telly even if it was a's**y bit. If it was just my maw and da, I would be there and the's**y bit was on and they would not say nothing and maybe even ye saw the woman's t*ts, if it was the shadows and they just sloped down if she was sitting and the man was looking and she is just sitting down and the man goes over to kiss her but then if he kisses her just where her front neck slopes down and that is her t*ts. I was waiting for my maw, Oh Kieron would you turn that over please.

But she did not say it. I waited to see. My da never said it. But ye just knew he wanted ye to do it. I used to. So a's**y bit came on, I just went and switched it over without them saying but if ye got a row. Oh what are you doing!

So now I did not. I just waited. Even the weest thing to do with it, the man just kisses her. Oh turn that over. So then I had to do it but no if they did not say it. But if it was going to happen, ye knew it was going to, oh darling darling. And if anything was dirty, just if it was's*x, that was worst of all. Oh it is dirty it is dirty.

I was just waiting to see because it was me to turn over, I always had to do it just because I was nearest, it was not fair.

My da just sat how he was sitting, no moving, with his newspaper there but he was no reading it. And my maw too, sitting how she was sitting, with her magazine. She read them when she watched the telly. I waited a wee minute more because if the's**y bit passed it would be okay. The man was kissing her.

But it was Matt, because he was there. They waited because of him, if he was not there my maw would have telled me already So now she said it. Oh Kieron would you please switch channels.

So I got up to do it.

Oh what are you sighing about? said my da.

I am no.

Yes ye are, if yer mother tells ye to do something you just do it.

I am doing it.

Aye well just do it and none of yer nonsense.

So I just done it and that was that. But Matt got up and left the room. He done that a lot. They did not like him doing it. My da was angry, ye saw how he was sitting. I sat back down beside the settee. I wanted to get out the way but I could not, if I moved an inch it was me too. I sat still, no moving a muscle and it went on. My maw kept her head down. Was Matt going to come back? So in the distance the plug got pulled, Matt coming out the bathroom, down the lobby and straight into the bedroom and the door shut. So ye knew that was him, he was not coming back. It was because they changed the programme. My da was angry. Matt doing it made them feel stupid.

Oh it is not family viewing, said my maw, if they know families are watching, why not put on something decent, not just dirty things.

Yes, said my da. It is b****y ridiculous what they get away with.

My maw made a wee noise but did not speak. She did not like swearie words or bad words. If he said b****y it was not a very bad one but if he did not say sorry. In my house if ye said a bad word ye were to say sorry. But he did not, my maw was huffy with him. She did not look at the television, only the magazine. My da was reading his paper so now it was only me watching. It was the news. After a wee minute my maw said, You can switch back now Kieron.

It was to see if the's**y bit had finished and it was on to something else. The worst was if the woman and man was in bed and it was worse's*x so ye just had to switch right back again. I done it without my maw saying. But now it was okay. Then Matt came back in. Sometimes he done this, just to see if we had switched back. But my da was still angry and it was against Matt. Oh he is just spoiling everything. That was what my da thought. Then he said, Oh Kieron is it raining?

So I had to go and look out the window. It was raining heavy.

I did not like it. If we were all against Matt, that was it, but I was not against him.

People were waiting. If somebody would talk to Matt or him to us. If my maw would. She did not care if people were not talking she would just say something. She thought what to say, but could not. My da would not speak and neither would Matt. And they would not look at anybody except if my da might look at my maw He gived her a big look so people knew he was doing it. But him and Matt did not look at each other. Then it was all quiet till a big sniff from my da.

But if I said something. If I wanted to I would, but I did not. If it was me with my da it would be worse. Matt did not get the same trouble. I would have got sent to the room if it was me. I even would get hit. If it was a argument, it would come to me. I would just be sitting out the road. It was not me but they made it me. All them just sitting like that. Oh Kieron it is time for bed. But it was not time. Matt was there and just sitting and it was him started it with leaving the room. It was not me done it but it was me got the blame.

I just waited and stayed beside the settee. No supper was made but I was not going to make it.

I did not talk but just sat. If I talked and done it ordinary I would get a row. Matt would not get it. He spoke the proper way He never got a row, he was the goodie. It was me was the baddie, even if it was him.

Ye just got sick of it, so if they were going to pick on me, I was not letting them, I just got up and went to the window then went straight out the door, and ben the kitchenette. It was raining heavy out the balcony. Out the front and out the back.

Then what I done I made the supper. That got them. Where did Kieron go. So they came in and here I was making the toast, and for them too.

That was me, I just went and done it.

If it was not me it was my maw. If I did not and she did not ye did not get any. Matt ett all what he got and so did my da but nothing else. They did not even rinse their cups. My maw done it or else left it till the morning. A lot of times I done it. If I was there and cups were lying, I just rinsed them. Maybe if the toast was on and I was waiting. I done any dishes. I did not care.

***

I had a plank under the bed and I kept money there. My maw did not go under the bed much except if she was brushing the floor. Sometimes she did that, getting angry, Oh the house is a complete pigsty, nobody does a stroke in this house. That was what she said. But if it was just me she said it to? That happened a lot of times. She got angry and it was only me there. My da was at work and Matt was not in. How come it was me? She was getting on to me, if I was lazy. That was not fair. I was the one that helped, so then ye got rows. How come she did not do it to Matt or else my da? It was me that helped with the tidying, no them.

So if I done something for somebody, that was the same. If I got a row for that. That was not fair. If it was a woman round our street maybe if she forgot her key and was locked out the house. She was down the back hanging out a washing. Then the front door slammed shut, Oh I am locked out I am locked out. Because she had forgot her key. That happened. So if I could climb the balcony for them. It was the boy or lassie came and asked ye, Oh Kieron my maw's locked out.

I was quick up the ronepipe and it was easy except it was wet ye had to watch it. But I aye wore sandshoes and got a good grip on the jaggy bits behind the pipe. Ye got yer hand more in it, tight, yer knuckles got scraped. But it was not sore. Ye did not notice till if it was bleeding but it was only a wee bit.

If it was just the wee top window open at the bathroom it was hard, ye had to reach across and it was just yer fingertips and ye were having to be just quiet and not hardly moving. Ye put yer hand through and reached down to get the handle for the big window. When ye done that ye were seeing down to the ground and there was the woman's face looking up at ye and her hand at her mouth, or if she was smoking a fag.

Then the big window open and I got in and my foot down on the toilet pan. But ye had to watch it there if ye kicked the top bit and it fell off. Sometimes I done a pee in the toilet before going out. Ye opened the front door and the woman came in then the wee children. I liked doing it. People looked up to ye. That was what I thought. And then ye got money. If she did not give any it was bad. It was because she forgot. I said it to the wee children, Oh tell yer maw did she give Kieron any money for climbing the balcony?

So then she sent them up with it. So if they chapped the door, I had to go and get it so my maw would not see. Oh if you are getting money. How come?

But the real worst was if the window was shut, if ye forgot to look before ye climbed. So all ye could do was go back down. And if ye ripped yer trousers, that was when ye did it. Oh you are always ripping yer trousers! That was a row off yer maw, she had to sew them up. I hid them and took them over to my grannie's.

But that was funny how people thought ye could still get in. The kitchenette door was locked and the windows all were shut and they still thought it. Ye climbed back down and they were looking at ye. Oh what is wrong? Why ye did not go in?

The kitchenette door is locked and the windows are shut.

Oh but could ye not open them?

But they are all shut, even the wee ones.

Oh ye got in the last time. Oh my man will kill me, oh I have got to make his tea, oh the baby is there, what will happen? Oh why can ye not go in?

So if it was my fault, that was what they thought, Oh he is not opening the door for me. But it was not my fault.

Then if ye got caught and yer da gived ye a doing. If they asked and my maw and da were there I did not do it. They did not know I done it.

But if the people did not give ye any money. Some did not. Even ye told their children. They still did not. So how come they did not climb it themself if they thought it was easy and it was nothing? If ever they asked me again I would never do it, that was what I thought, I just would not do it and did not care who it was.

Except my grannie. But it would never be my grannie.

But what if it was my maw? If she was down at the midgie with the rubbish and forgot her key and that was her and she could not get back in the house? Oh Kieron I was just down at the midgie.

She did not say midgie it was midden. I was down at the midden and forgot my key and I am locked out.

Oh well it is not my fault if I am not to climb the ronepipe, da just gives me a doing.

Or else Matt, if he forgot his key. I might have climbed it for him but maybe he could do it himself. Maybe he could not. I never saw him climb the balcony. Maybe he done it when I was not there. Usually he was in the bedroom, swotting. My maw did not like me saying swotting, Oh it is studying. You should be studying as well.

We had a new teacher, Miss Halliday, and she was a true moaner. That was all she done. If ye were drawing in yer jotter and she catched ye doing it, Oh stop that drawing, jotters are not for drawing.

She only liked the top division and if ye were up in the high desks. Ye had to speak right all the time, Oh it is not cannay it is cannot, you must not say didnay it is did not. If it is the classroom it is not the gutter. It is the Queen's English, only you must speak the Queen's English.

I was in the top division but in the low desks. She did not like me. I sat beside James McCulloch now. He made a lot of smells and ye said it to him. Was that you?

No.

Oh aye it was you ye made a smell.

No it was not.

Oh away, it was.

So then he got a red face. So it was him. It just annoyed ye when he done it. People thought it was you, Oh Smiddy f****d. That was Gary McNab. He just said it out loud so everybody looked.

It was not me, it was McCulloch. He always did it. Lasses were there too and they smelled it. Imagine doing a f**t with lasses there.

Then if they thought it was you. That was McCulloch. How could ye say about that, ye could not.

How come he did not keep it in? People tried to unless for a laugh. But McCulloch was just.

Imagine being his pal.

People did not say f****d in my house. It was a bad word. But not a swear word. Bad words were not as bad as swear words but quite like it. Gary McNab thought f****d was a swear word. In his house they said pumped, his big brother too. Other ones said pumped. But that was a funny one because if it was a lassie, if a lassie got p****d, so it was a swear word. Oh he p****d her, that was swearing.

But if it was a smell, Oh he pumped, then it was not, it was just bad, but not too bad and ye could say it.

In Podgie's house it was f****d. His maw said it too, so he just said it. In Mitch's house it was pooped. When Mitch said it people laughed. Who pooped?

Ye got rude words as well. Some rude words were bad words. But some were not. Belly was rude but not bad. Ye could say belly. Sometimes I did. Only if I was out the house. In the house it was stomach or tummy, my maw only said tummy. There was some bad words I could say. T***e and k***h, b*m, d****e and c**k. But I never said them. The same with f****d. Out the house people said f****d but I did not. I just did not.

There were other bad words I did not say even out the house. S***e, a**e, p***k and f***y.

Some bad words were like swear words. F****d was funny because a lot of grown-ups said it, Oh who f****d? One time on the train a man said it to his pal, Oh some c**t has f****d.

Who let off and did not let on? that was what my da said.

Some lasses said f****d. When I was wee I said it to my maw, Oh is f****d a swear word?

She got angry and said I never ever was to say that word again. It is pimped, you have to say pimped, Oh I pimped, pardon me.

I never said pimped. Matt did not either. We just said made a smell, Oh somebody made a smell.

Ye could never say pimped out the house. Imagine the boys hearing. It was just complete stupid. Nobody said pimped except lasses. Lasses said it in the class too. Oh who pimped? Who pumped? It was just daft. Imagine ye had a pal said it. Who pimped? Well ye would no have him as a pal.

Some words were not rude, just bad, nearly as bad as swear words. If it was yer thingwi, yer p***k or b**ls ye could not say any words, no in the house or if it was the class, except thingwi, Oh he hurt his thingwi, if the ball hit ye for a rupture, oh my b**ls, ye could not say it, just yer thingwi.

F***y was a swear word, a lassie's f***y. So was h**e. Oh did ye get yer h**e? that was swearing. So for a laugh we used to sing.

Oh I want my hol

I want my hol

I want my holidays.

People looked to see if lasses heard us singing. Then if I was singing it too. I was. I could sing it if I wanted. Hoi holidays, that was not swearing. If it was a hole in the ground and ye were digging it. So I just sang it too, it was just a laugh.

***

Matt got an old bike off Uncle Billy but my maw would not let it in the house. Oh that dirty old thing, it is filfy. He had to keep it out on the landing on top of newspapers. My da said if ye were just to clean it up, that was the first thing.

Oh but it was very very heavy. Ye carried it down and it was sore on yer shoulder. The wheelguards were not working good. The front tyre was hitting in and rubbing. Ye could see it was all scraped. The chain came off if the wheels spun round too fast. Ye could get it back on but it just came off again and yer hands were total manky. It was a thick sticky dirt, all greasy, it went on yer jersey and trousers.

Matt got fed up with it. Oh it is just blooming useless. I telled him how Rona Craig was in my class at school and her big brother was great at bikes and what if we showed him it? But Matt did not listen to me. He kicked it on the back wheel. Oh do not kick it, I said.

I will kick it if I want it is my bike.

Well it is not the bike's fault.

Oh shut yer trap.

When he carried it up the stair it was all dirt over his trousers. He got angry at it. I am going to sell the blooming thing to Joey Johnston. It is just a fawnti.

Joey Johnston kept old bikes. He got bits out them or done them up and selled them. People said they would not buy a bike off him, but some did. He stayed round the other side of the scheme from us. His house was on the ground floor so he had the wee garden at the front. He kept a lot of stuff there. The neighbours did not like him doing it but if it was his garden. He covered it all with old blankets and tarpaulin. What if ye jumped the fence and knocked something? Oh but ye would not, ye would just be too worried to try it because if he catched ye he would batter ye. There was other Johnstons too, that was cousins. So if ye ganged up on him they would just gang up on you.

People said he stole stuff. Maybe he did. I did not like him. He was not old but grumpy grumpy all the time. If ye went to his close to see his stuff he just swore at ye and telled ye to f**k off if ye were no buying nothing. Gary McNab flung a stane at him one time and he was going to grab us.

I did not want Matt to sell the bike to him. Rona Craig's big brother was good, he showed ye how to. He did not mind if ye watched. I went with Billy MacGregor and Peter Wylie. I said to him about Matt's bike and how it was not going good. Oh just bring it and I will see it.

That was what he said. I telled Matt but Matt just was moaning. Oh to pot with Rona Craig's brother.

He did not like him. It was because he was good with bikes. He did not know him. They went to different schools. Rona's big brother had three bikes and worked on them out in the back close. He let us see his best one. Ye could lift it up with one hand. Even just with yer pinkie. It was a real racer and cost a right mint of money. His grannie got him it for his birthday. It had a green and white frame so it was Celtic but he did not bother about that. Oh it is Italian, it is white and green.

He did not care about football and even who the teams were, and players playing for Rangers, he did not know who they were. Oh but bikes and who was racing champion, that was all he wanted.

He put them upside down and picked into the chain and all the wee inside bits with a toothbrush, and then the spokes too, getting them all spick and span. Ye needed it right for racing, so if it was spick and span, that stopped the rust. And then with the oilcan, ye oiled in all the wee bits. Oh anything that moves ye just oil it. He showed us.

He had two other bikes and kept them in a fixed wheel. Fixed wheels made ye crash so ye had to watch it. We got a shot on one and it was hard. Ye had to keep working the pedals and if ye took yer feet off — oh well you should not take off yer feet because trying to get them back into yer pedals, ye could not, the pedals were just whizzing round and round and yer feet banged into them and could not do it. A motor car was at the side of the road when Billy was going and he crashed into it, the handlebars skliffing along the side. A man saw him but he got away.

Rona's big brother went long runs on his bike. He went away down to Loch Lomond and over the hills. Lots of people went. They made fires and boiled tea. Men were there too, and it was a good laugh round the fire and all having yer tea and people brought pieces with them and sometimes if it was a frying pan, somebody had one and they made sausages and just gived ye one. Rona's brother had all pals that went. It was a club for cyclists and they joined it. Matt could have joined it too. I asked. But just if he got his bike good, then he could go.

I telled him. My maw was listening. Even an old bike, ye could get it good if ye fixed it. Ye got it clean and oiled and if it was spick and span. I would take it to Rona's big brother. So if he just done something and showed me and we could fix it. Maybe we could.

But it is my bike, said Matt.

Oh but we can clean it all up.

Well it would be nice to see it clean, said my maw. Your father is sick of seeing it so filfy.

Well it is too old, said Matt.

It is not too old to be cleaned.

But mum it is falling to bits.

Oh he only wants to sell it, I said.

Well you just want it for yourself, said Matt.

Oh I do not.

Yes you do.

Well I would go it. You do not go it.

Because ye cannot go it, it is a fawnti.

It is not a fawnti.

What is a fawnti? said my maw.

Falling to bits, said Matt, that is what it is.

Oh Matt it is not fawin it is falling.

I said blooming falling.

You did not, you said fawin. You can surely speak better than that.

Oh well if I want to. If I want to I want to. It is not blooming fair. It is my bike.

Oh Matt.

She did not like him saying blooming. But it was not a swear word and it was not a bad word.

Well I would clean it, I said.

Matt looked at me but I did not look at him, then he made a signal. He was going to get me. It was a punch. I did not care. If he punched me for nothing. Brothers done that. They done it on the shoulder. Ye walked by and they just punched ye. I would not have hurt a young brother like that. No unless if he just really really needed it. And it would be a wee skelp, only a tap, so he knew no to do it the next time. But Matt done it for nothing.

Oh well if Kieron can get it cleaned, said my maw.

Matt shaked his head and went away out the room. That was him. Now it was a right bad temper with me but I did not care.

After teatime me and him were in the kitchenette doing the dishes. I washed and he dried. He hated washing but I liked it because ye were first finished. But sometimes he just stopped before everything was washed. Oh I will come and dry it after. He did that to be first finished.

He was not talking to me because of the bike but I was talking to him. He kidded on he was not listening. He whistled a tune, and was clinking plates and cups. I did not care.

But that is what he done and it annoyed ye. So if ye were just trying to tell him something and it was clinking clinking and then whistling, he done it loud.

I was just saying about the Milano bike. That was Rona's big brother's. It was a real racer and a lightweight. No like Matt's. It was the opposite, it was not thick and not heavy and its wheels were thin and just sparkling clean and all straight spokes and just clean and the saddle too was a racing saddle, it was slim-line, and wee tiny mudguards, white and green the same as the frame and the wheels too, just no like Matt's, squeaking all the time, squeak squeak squeak, that was all his done.

The blooming wheels are buckled, said Matt.

But if Rona's big brother looked at it and could fix it. Maybe he could. He had good tools. He kept them in a wee satchel and could change a tyre in two minutes.

I do not care if it is one minute or no minutes. Who cares? I do not.

Oh but he is good and shows ye how to do it.

I do not care if he is good. I can change the tyres myself. The blooming wheels are buckled.

But if they are oiled?

But they are buckled.

But Rona's big brother

Oh Rona's big brother

Well he can do it.

I do not care, I am selling it.

It is not yours to sell.

Yes it is.

If Uncle Billy gived ye it.

Uncle Billy gave me it.

Well if he did.

Now my da came into the kitchenette. Oh it is loud voices the night, what yez arguing about?

It is my bike, said Matt, Uncle Billy gave me it. If I want to sell it I can sell it.

That old thing, who is going to buy it? My da laughed. Yer Uncle Billy fished it out the Clyde.

Oh but dad, I said, if it was just cleaned.

Well if it was cleaned, that is a start, it needs to get cleaned.

But there is no point dad if the wheels are all buckled. Matt said, It is falling to bits, it is just falling to bits.

Well if it is falling to bits who is going to buy it?

Joey Johnston.

Who is Joey Johnston?

He buys old stuff like bikes. He does them up and sells them.

Who to?

People.

What people?

He steals stuff, I said.

Who steals stuff?

Joey Johnston.

How do you know? said Matt.

I just do.

No you do not.

Aye I do.

Ssh, said my da, then to Matt, That fellow will not give ye much money.

Well he will give me something.

Bikes are dear son, how no let yer brother have a go? He wants to try fixing it.

But he cannot.

But he wants to have a go.

Matt was just looking at the sink.

Eh? said my da.

I know a big boy will help me, I said.

Oh well if he does, said Matt and he tossed away the dishcloth. He went straight out the kitchenette and into the bedroom. He shut the door, but no slamming it. My da did not like slamming doors and was looking after him. Then he looked at me. Who is the big boy?

Rona Craig's big brother. She is in my class at school. Oh but da he has got a smasher, it is a Milano racing cycle and just light as a feather. His grannie got him it. She just got him it and it was a mint of money. That is Rona's grannie. She stays in the same house as them. I will take it round to him.

Well give it a clean first.

Oh yes dad I will.

I started cleaning it right away. On Saturday morning I carried it down the stair and walked it round the street. Rona's big brother was not out the back close. Usually he was always there. Maybe he was still in the house and would come out soon. I waited a wee bit then was going to go up the stair and chap the door. But what if Rona was there and she came?

Oh well if she did, I would just say what it was. I liked Rona. People did. She had a funny laugh. It was hee hee hee, hee hee hee, and she put her hand up to her mouth. If somebody done something in the class ye would hear it. The teacher did not like her doing it. Oh Rona would you please be quiet, if you are giggling would you please stop it.

But then if somebody done something she would do it again. Oh please miss I cannot help it.

I flapped the letterbox on the door. It was her grannie came, a wee lady with a hat on. She was the only one in. Oh they are all out, she said, you will have to come back after.

I walked the bike back round to my own house and carried it up the stair. Oh but it was just so very heavy. Matt was away seeing his pals from school and my maw was up the town shopping. But my da was home from work. He was in the living room reading the paper. I telled him and he said, Oh wait and I will have a look.

He came out to the landing and turned the bike upside down on top of the newspapers. Oh it is b****y mawkit.

Oh but dad I cleaned it.

Well ye did not clean it enough.

He went away and got old cloots to wipe it, and a bucket of hot water. Now you just watch, he said, this is how ye do it.

So he started wiping it and it was the same as Rona's big brother. Oh I used to have a bike myself.

He cleaned right into all the wee bits to get the worst dirt. He moved the wheels to see the wheelguards. It is mudguards, he said. He went and got tools, spanners and pliers. He screwed things about and then after that he lifted the mudguards right off the wheels, he just took them right off, and he turned them up and inside it was just thick dirt. Oh they are all bent to shreds, they are just b****y useless. Dump them son just dump them.

Then he birled the wheels and they went round, only sticking a wee bit. See that. Better already. Oh but a wee drop oil, he said.

He had his own oil and he squirted it in. He felt the tyres. These tyres are fine.

Now he turned the bike the right way up and gived it a wee bounce. Will that do ye?

Oh dad, aye. Can I go and try it?

Well just be careful, it is yer brother's bike. And come up the stair if it is raining. The mud will fly up on ye. Mind ye have got no guards now cause we have took them off.

Oh aye.

And do not go out on that main road. Now I am warning ye!

Oh no dad.

I went away and got ready then carried the bike back down the stairs and out the front close. When I was getting on it I looked up at the window to see him watching, I knew he would be. He made a wee signal like a wave. That was my da.

The bike was going good. I went it down to the shops, so if people were there, just who I would see. But nobody was there. Oh but John Davis, he stayed near the shops. He would love the bike. There was grass outside his close and a wee wall. I stood the bike at it and ran up the stairs, rang the bell. But nobody was in. I chapped the door and rang the bell again. I looked through the letterbox and it was all dark. Saturday. People went places. Sunday was better. I came back down the stairs and out the close and the bike was no there. I looked about. Maybe I put it someplace else. Or if somebody moved it. But it was nowhere. It was just nowhere. I went to the next close, I kept looking. Where was it? Oh if somebody had took it for a shot, if any boys were there. Wee lasses were playing at the next close. I said to them, Did ye see a bike there?

No.

My bike was over at that wee wall.

Oh that bike. A man took it.

Who was it?

The lasses just looked, they did not know. It was just a man. He went on it past them. They did not know him. He just stole it. He was just a thief that stole it. I started running up the street where the lasses said. Nobody was there. I went round all the streets. The rain came on but went off again. I went round them all again. Joey Johnston's too, I hunted all over. Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. I did not want to go home. I could not. I went back to John Davis' close. Maybe the bike was there again. Maybe somebody just took it like a wee trick.

But it was not there. The wee lasses were away. I walked along the street.

But if the one that stole it did not live in our scheme. Maybe he did not. If he was a stranger. He might have been. Maybe from the new houses away over. So I went away down the field and over the burn, away way over the other side and round by the new scheme where the Squatters used to be. I passed all new houses and some people were there.

Oh but if I saw the one that done it. Well if I did I did. I would just shout at him. So if he had a blade, he could not get me. I would tell people and see if there was a cop or where if he stayed in a house, if he did, I would see the number and just tell the cops.

I was hunting roundabout. Then it was dark, or just nearly getting dark. I asked a woman and it was past eight o'clock. Eight o'clock! Oh and I never knew. My tea! My maw would kill me.

But I did not want to go home. I did not, I just did not I did not I did not want to go home.

I could not go to my grannie's. It was too late and I did not have money.

I could not run away. I could not. I had no money. I did not want to run away. Not if I had no money. You could not run away if ye had no money. It was dark too and it was raining. Ye just could not.

Oh but I wanted to, I needed to. What could I do? I did not know. Oh but if Mitch was there. Mitch wanted to run away, he always was wanting to. So if I could go with him. But Mitch was no there, he was no there he was just away, he was staying at his auntie's.

He could have smuggled me into his house. I done it for him. Pals smuggled ye into their house. Ye done it if yer maw and da did not like the boy. If it was Podgie in my house and my maw was there, she did not like him. For my da it was Mitch, he did not like Mitch. How come? Oh he is just a dunderheid, that is what he said, my da. Oh my da, my da was going to kill me, he was, he just was going to. But what else? Nothing. I had to go home. I just had to. Oh but my stomach was sore. How come he was there and no just away? If he was back in the Navy, I wished he was back in the Navy. It was just so much the worse when he was here. How come he came home? And if he did not like the factory and was always moaning if it was dry land, well he could just go away again to wet land if it was the sea. How come he did not? It was just so much the better when he was away.

I crossed back over the burn and up the field, up to the scheme. Boys were inside a close. They were Papes. I knew them and they shouted on me. Hoh Kieron, your da is out looking for ye.

Out looking for me. He would just be someplace, wherever he was and just angry.

It was the worst ever. The very very worst. Since I was a wee boy nothing ever was worse. I could not remember nothing worse. There was not anything worse.

And Matt too. Oh Matt, I was not thinking about him but it was his bike and he would blame me because it was just me, he would say that. Touching his stuff. Why did I not get my own stuff to touch? Matt would say that. It was his bike. Uncle Billy gived it to him. Not to me. He did not give it to me. So how come I took it out? It was not mine to take out. How come I did?

So if he hit me, he could hit me. I did not care. If he did not want me as a brother. Maybe he did not. I did not want him either.

But it was just a man done it. A man done it and was a complete thief. I would never do nothing ever ever again, just never ever, never never ever. If something ever happened to me and was ever ever good. Nothing ever could be ever again. If God would save me. It was not my fault. I would make a promise.

I was at my door and had to chap it, usually I flapped the letterbox. Now I just chapped it. I done it quiet. But the door opened and it was my maw Oh Kieron Kieron, where have you been? What happened what happened?

I started greeting. Oh mum a man stole Matt's bike and I was looking for it.

Oh Kieron. My maw came and cuddled me. We were just so worried, your father is out looking for you. He thought you were run over by a bus.

I was away looking for the bike.

Oh you should have come home and told us.

I did not know.

Oh Kieron. My maw stopped cuddling me. You are just so silly You are. Your teacher says so too. You are just so silly.

But mum it is not my fault.

Oh no it never is.

But mum.

I put your tea out a while ago and now it is ice-cold.

I do not want my tea I want to go to bed.

Kieron.

Oh but mum I need to. I am just tired and I am just.

Look at you! You are filfy. What have you been up to? Away and get washed and I will heat up your tea.

But mum I just.

Your father will be up the stair soon.

Oh he will batter me.

He will not batter you. Do not be so silly, he will just be glad you are safe and sound.

I want to go to bed.

Well you cannot, not just now.

She went to the kitchenette and sent me into the bathroom to get washed. But if I wanted to go to bed? How come I could not? If I wanted to go I could go. How come I could not? How come?

If I could just go to sleep. I just needed to. Oh if I could get into my room and just oh if there had been a snib on the door so I could snib it but there was none.

But I could just get under the blankets and snuggle under and I would go to sleep. And just pull the blankets over my head. I liked them over my head. And if Matt was reading and the light was on, that was the best, and just going to sleep. I did not want anybody and not him either, if he was not like a brother, if he did not want me for one, well I did not want him, just to go to bed and under the blankets, and pull them over and I would be underneath.

***

Down near the burn there was a high tree with thick thick branches. I saw it when we first flitted to the new scheme and I went with Matt and his pal. But I forgot about it. But now I remembered again and I wanted to see it and just about climbing or what. I just called it that, the high tree. Its branches went down over the burn and if ye got a rope, ye could make a great swing. I would climb the tree and tie the rope. We could knock the rope off the workies.

Me and the boys went. Peter Wylie and Billy MacGregor came with us. Gary McNab went home first from school but was coming to meet us. Before he did we saw a rabbit and chased it. They had wee holes roundabout and they stayed down there. If ye catched one ye could eat it. Mitch had a knife to do it. He got it someplace. Ye made a fire and flung the rabbit on. There was a story and it said how pirates were fighting natives and getting chased on a desert island. If they got captured they got flung in a pot. They were long pigs. That was what the natives called them. Oh we will kill the long pigs.

Some pirates got caught. And if they got ett, maybe they did. Other ones escaped and were hiding down at the beach feared if the natives catched them. Oh but they were starving and dared to try it and out they went, just creeping. They went hunting for their supper and got a rabbit, they bashed its head in. They flung it in the fire then skinned it and ett it. Ye saw the pictures. The grease ran down their chins and whiskers and in their fingers and they were licking it.

The rabbit we saw got away, maybe into its hole. If we had a dog we could have set it on it. Ye got the rabbit in a corner and bashed its head in. Mitch had a knife and could stab it. Maybe if it was in a bush we would fling boulders at it and knock it out. We were looking but could not find it.

Then Gary was whistling on us, running down the hill.

It was a good dry day and we did some jumps across the burn. We sat down on the bank for a smoke, but then it was a w**k. That was Mitch. Oh I am f*****g going for a wank. Who is coming?

We just laughed at him but sometimes we did. Ye went to yer own bit and shut yer eyes and done it. Ye did not want people looking, so if ye were shivering or yer face went red. So if Podgie was there. He did not do it much and just looked at ye and said stuff. Mitch shivered all the time. Oh see Mitch shivering he is f*****g shivering.

Then if it was me and my face. Oh f**k see Smiddy, look at his face, a big riddy! Hoh Smiddy see your f*****g face!

Him and Gary were laughing at ye. He did not say nothing about Gary But Peter and Billy were there now and they were looking at us when Mitch said it but then they came. We all went behind the bushes. But just when we started Gary saw Peter's c**k and said it, Oh it is a f*****g Gerry's Helmet look! You have got a Gerry's Helmet. Hoh. It is a f*****g Gerry's Helmet! Gary shouted, Peter is a Jewboy.

Peter got a red face. Mitch says to him, Are you a f*****g Jewboy?

No.

Aye ye are, said Gary, yer t****r is cut off at the top.

Cut off at the top?

Aye Smiddy, that is Jewboys. The Gerries f***-**g done it to them, so that is how, it is a Gerry's Helmet.

Show us, said Mitch.

No, said Peter.

Because ye are f****g scared, said Podgie.

No I am no.

Gary laughed.

Come on we will get him, said Podgie. He saw Billy looking but did not bother with him, only laughed to Gary and Mitch and me. He wanted to take down Peter's trousers to see. Would we come in if he started? He did not care about Billy.

Except Billy was Peter's best pal so what would he do? Would he come in with Peter? Because if he got a kicking because with us there, we were with Podgie. He would think we were, so we would get him too.

Mitch said it to Peter, Are ye a f*****g Jew?

No.

Well if yer t****r is cut off at the top, said Gary, that is what they do to Jews.

F*****g show us, said Podgie.

No.

Just f*****g do it you c**t! Podgie could go angry and if he did be careful but just now he was not angry and just nearly laughing. Oh we will f*****g strip ye and throw away yer trousers. We will f*****g dump them in the burn.

Gary laughed. We will dump them in the f*****g burn and ye can just go in and get them.

Podgie was pointing to Peter's trousers. Take them down.

No.

F*****g do it.

He does not want to, said Billy.

Oh are you backing him up?

Are ye? said Gary.

Billy had a big red face and was feared. Ye could see it. Peter was too. He looked at Gary, Oh I can fight my own battles.

Gary just was looking, but I said, Oh it is no a battle to fight, it is just to show us, we just want to see.

It is only just to see, said Podgie. He was not laughing now, just watching Peter. Ye saw that with Podgie, how his eyes just could watch ye. But he thought too about Peter, if he was a good fighter, maybe he was. So if he was a best fighter, I did not think so, but he could give ye a good go. So could Billy. We all knew it from football. So if it was the two of them the gether. They were good fighters.

Is your da a real Jew? said Mitch.

Is he f**k.

He f*****g must be, said Gary.

He f*****g is not, said Peter.

What about yer maw?

No.

Oh but maybe ye are adopted, I said, if ye are an adopted child. If it is not yer real da and ye are adopted because then what happens.

They all were looking at me.

Well if he is an adopted child, wee weans get adopted, if ye are a orphan, maybe if yer real maw and da got killed, if it was the war, ye just get adopted.

That is right, said Podgie.

Are you a orphan? said Mitch.

No.

He is no a orphan, said Billy, that is stupid.

Aye but Billy it is no stupid, people do not know if they are orphans. Nobody tells them, I said, ye just find out later.

I am no a f*****g orphan, said Peter.

Aye but if ye are a real one. So yer real da, maybe if he was a Jew.

Or else yer maw, said Gary.

That happens to people. Their real maws and das get killed. The wee babies are left and people adopt them.

They all were listening to me and I said it to them. It is true. Nobody tells ye, ye just find out later. It would be the same if ye were something else. There was a boy that was a Pape and brought up a Proddy. I read it in a story, him and his sister were rightful true Heirs. So they had to journey to faraway lands. Then that was them, they met their real maw. Their da was dead. So then the boy was the King. He had to do it, even if he did not want to. He ruled over all the land.

What age was he? said Mitch.

Thirteen.

F**k sake.

He was a Pape and brought up as a Proddy.

Podgie said, Oh Mitch, get the fags out.

Mitch got them. After he lit one he gived it to Podgie for the first limit. Three draws was a limit. If ye got a limit ye got yer three draws. Podgie always got a limit off people but other ones, if it was you, usually ye just got one draw.

But how come Podgie got it first before Mitch, if it was Mitch's fag? He got more out it than Mitch. Mitch just lit it and got one draw then passed it to him. Then Podgie passed it to Gary. Gary put his hand out and Podgie just gived him it. That was what they done. Podgie and Gary and Gary and Podgie. But they were not bothering about Peter.

I was glad nothing happened to him and Billy. I liked them coming with us. Peter was a good climber. He used the ronepipe. But his house was just one storey up. He knew mine was the top flat. If he wanted to climb it I would let him, he could do it after school, it was just me in the house.

We were going along by the burn and I said about the high tree. I still wanted to climb it and make a swing. It would be a great swing and go right over the burn. We just needed a rope. We could knock one off the workies. Oh aye, said Mitch.

No the now, said Podgie.

Oh come on.

No.

We will go another time, said Gary.

How no just now? I said.

Oh f**k Smiddy, we will go another time.

Oh but we can still go and just see it.

No, said Podgie, I am no f*****g going.

Me neither, said Gary. I cannot f*****g be bothered.

Aye but I can just show yez it. Oh come on. Peter and Billy have not seen it.

Neither have I, said Mitch.

He is the only c**t that has seen it, said Podgie.

We could kick a ball about instead, said Billy.

Aye, said Podgie, six of us, that is three a-side, three a-side is good.

F**k football, said Gary, I do not feel like it.

Neither do I, said Peter, I would f*****g like to see the high tree as well. Oh Smiddy whereabouts is it?

It is just along the burn.

How far have we to f*****g walk? said Gary.

Oh it is no too far.

F*****g better no be, you are a b*****d Smiddy, ye always have to get everything.

I do not.

Ye f*****g do, said Gary.

Him and Podgie were moaners about climbing because they did not do it much. But if they did they would like it. Mitch had started doing it and he liked it. He said about climbing mountains, it would be good to do that. Gary just thought it was daft. If ye said about climbing to him. Oh do not be so f*****g stupid, I am no climbing that. But he was skinny and could have climbed good.

Podgie was just a moaner. Mitch said it too, Oh Podgie is a moaning-faced b*****d. That was him when we were walking. Moan moan moan. It is a f*****g swamp. Oh the grass is f*****g wringing. Oh my maw will kick up f**k when she sees my shoes.

We went along the side of the burn. There was all good trees here with big branches. But the high tree was just the best. But then we got to it and there was no low-down branches and no wee bits sticking out. They all were sawed off too. Somebody had done it like it was just stripped.

If it was men done it maybe for firewood. But usually it was just a tree that was dead, else it was sap and did not burn right. Ye flung branches on the fire and if there was sap it just bubbled out and smoked. Big boys used to set complete fields on fire just burning all the grass and ye thought it was going to come up the hill and burn down yer house. I loved the smell. Me and Mitch made fires and that was what happened, if ye saw the dry grass, ye just lighted the match.

Maybe the men just done it to the tree to stop people climbing. I was seeing how to do it but ye could not see everything the farther up it went. If something was up there, maybe there was. Maybe a tree-hut. Ye got tree-huts. People made them. It was safe. Ye could sit there and ones would be walking down on the ground. They would not know ye were there. Imagine walking down a path in the woods and voices talking up a tree. Ye would be feared. Ye would think it was goblins or evil sorcerers going to get ye. If ye were up the tree and making scary noises, if lasses were walking under and ye were kidding on ye were an owl hooting, the lasses would be screaming and bawling.

But ye had to talk quiet too if gangs came and they heard ye, they would have stanes to fire at ye.

Trees had to be the right kind to build a hut. It was how the branches fitted. Then if ye built one ye had to watch out for people. Gangs came along and smashed it. The Squatters were away now but other ones went about and ye had to watch it. They went looking for stuff. If ye had a rope swing they used it till it fell down. If it was a tree-hut they would just smash it up. So if there was one up the high tree and people were trying to hide it. Maybe there was. The branches went dead thick going up the top and ye could not see past them. Imagine there was one. We could all just go up. I could climb the tree and see.

Oh but if there is no f*****g branches?

Oh but look, ye can get yer foot on the edges! Look!

Ye could. If ye went up a wee bit you would be okay. It was the way the branches got sawed. There was wee toty bits left. Ye could get yer feet on. If ye could climb the first bit, that was all.

I showed them but Podgie was moan moan moan. That was all he done, a true moaner. He would never climb the high tree anyway so how come he was saying it? Podgie always said if ye could not do it. Oh ye cannot do that. That was Podgie. If you said something, he said something else. He kept doing it till ye stopped, so then he done his wee smile. But this time it did not matter because it was no just Mitch, Peter Wylie backed me up and so did Billy. Gary backed up Podgie. I am no going up, he said.

Oh but ye do not have to, I said, I can just go up and see.

Me too, said Peter.

I will go too, said Mitch, if it is a tree-hut it will be f*****g smashing. We can just f*****g hide in it. It will be great.

See the next time, I said, we can bring pieces with us and bottles of ginger. Nobody will see us. Ye are just really high up and all the leaves and branches, it is just all thick, so if they look up, they will not see nothing.

It will just be like a f*****g roof, said Peter.

Gary laughed. I am going to bring up n**e books.

So now everybody was laughing and saying about it. Podgie too. Mitch got another fag and we smoked it.

It was just me, Mitch and Peter going up. Mitch was the worst climber so he went first. Me and Peter put our hands the gether, fingers inbetween, making a strong step so he got his foot on and we hoisted him. He got on our shoulders trying to reach up to the edges of the sawed branches but he was not doing it good and he was heavy. His feet were kicking yer head and yer ear and then on top of yer head trapping yer hair and it was agony. Oh Mitch Mitch!

Oh I cannot f*****g help it.

Aye but ye are kicking my f*****g ear, shouted Peter.

Well I am no f*****g trying it.

The other ones were laughing at us. Oh you stupid c**ts! It is too f*****g high to reach.

No, it is not.

Mitch could not do it. He could not get himself up any further. He tried again but me and Peter caved in and he had to jump down. They all wanted to chuck it but I did not and showed how the good branches started and then right up were the big ones. They grew right over and drooped down the other side of the burn. Ye could see the best branch for the rope swing. And I could see how to climb it easy.

It was a real beauty and went out along and right over and if ye were on it ye could climb right along and tie on the rope and then go down it or even just go on more and dreep down the other side of the burn. I had never done that before. But I had done ones just quite the same. It was a long long branch and went thin at the faraway end so when ye got there and were climbing down yer weight would get it bending.

Peter had not done it before. Him and Mitch gived me a puddy up then Billy and Mitch gived one to Peter and I helped him more so then that was us.

A branch was no good if it went thin too early, it bent too quick and swooshed ye round, so then ye fell off. One time I did it and went into a bush with all jaggy nettles, all tearing me when I was getting out. There was marshy weeds there too so ye had to watch that else ye would be soaked and complete mud all over ye.

Ye had to go careful on a branch. Ye held on in a very tight grip just edging out slow and slow, watching ye did not get turned. The branch just swooshed ye round so then ye were hanging underneath it and just hanging on with yer knees and feet and hands, and yer elbows too, keeping them tight in and yer chest in too, right as much as ye could into the branch else ye would fall. Yer body was heavy and made ye if ye were not careful. And if ye fell through the branches. Or if they broke yer fall. But if ye dropped straight down and it was yer back, oh yer back was the worst. Or yer head so it got smashed in, that was the worst, yer skull got smashed and cracked open. If it was yer back ye landed on it was tough luck for you too because people broke their back and went on wheelchairs the rest of their life, so that was them.

If the branch turned ye ye could not get back to the right way up, ye could only go backwards and yer body hanging down and it was just yer feet and yer hands holding on. Ye could never get back up the branch again. Ye just could not do it. Ye tried and ye could not. So down ye went down ye went and if ye were going to fall it was all ye could do no to, hand by hand by foot by foot going fast fast fast as ye could before ye fell because ye were going to fall and ye were quick quick to see where ye would land getting ready to land, so ye would let go yer feet first so they would hit the ground and break yer fall. The best thing was letting go yer feet first and holding on with yer hands, hanging there, then swinging yer feet, trying to bounce the branch to go near the ground, as near as ye could go.

The farther out ye went the more down it bended till ye got low and could just dreep down or if ye kept yer grip and brought that branch right down onto the ground so like ye captured it. That was what I thought. Mitch or Podgie was there and trapped it down. If they let go it bounced and ye had to jump out the road so it did not clout ye on the way up. That was Podgie. He done that for a laugh. So then the branch battered ye. Who was laughing? Him.

And then the branch was back up the tree again. Hoh Smiddy get that f*****g branch again! But ye would not climb the tree another time so he was laughing against ye. That was Podgie. I did not care. He was just acting it. But if they trapped the branch good ye could get off and hold it down for them then they could get on. I said it. Mitch was going to try it.

I climbed higher into the branches and it was great. The branches were very thick the gether so if ye fell even they could break yer fall, maybe they would. Ye felt the tree swaying now because with the wind and yer body on it, ye just had to cling on tight.

I heard Gary shouting up, Oh can ye see a tree-hut?

I could not see him down through the branches. I just shouted, No.

Up through the branches was just the sky. So there was nothing there like a hut or a den, there was just nothing. I saw Peter and waved down to him. I am coming back down.

Nobody had been up that high before. I thought that. I said it to Peter how we were the first ones. Ye looked down but could not see them on the ground.

It is f*****g smashing, said Peter.

The good branch was there so I went on it just to try it and see if it was good for a rope swing. So if it went right over the burn and just, well then, so we could just maybe dreep down the other side. I thought I would and said I was going to. Peter wanted to come with me so then we went, me first, crawling backwards and out and out waiting for the branch to bend, the boys were all shouting. Fall you c**t!

But it was just a laugh and they just were acting it. Podgie and the boys done that. They all just shouted stuff. If it was you that was doing the thing ye just gived them the V sign back. That was what I done. Except if it was a branch and ye were gripping on, ye had to watch it because if it turned ye. Ye were just watching and going careful for when to let go, so ye would not land on a rocky bit that sloped or ye failed back down in the burn. Ye waited till it was right so to jump out the way and could kick over to land, just kicking kicking. Ye just were waiting, then ye did it, throwing out yer shoulders to get yer body the right way, for yer legs to take it. Peter was gripping on up above me.

Alright Pete! I just shouted, then I done it, letting go the branch, and it jerked hard up swisshhh swisshh. I did not hear it much or if I did, maybe I did, but Peter did not do it right and the bounce turned him and he fell off. I did not see it because I was dreeping. But I could not help it and it was not my fault, if he did not hang on right.

If it was two of yez doing it the one left on the branch was to be ready for the bounce. So if he was not ready Ye had to hang on tight. Ye gripped it with all yer body so ye would stick on so the bounce would not turn ye. I telled him before we went. He did not do it right, ye just had to grip on with all yer body. He fell through the branches and it was in the bit near the bank. Lucky for him it was all marshy so a soft landing. But he could not get up, just his breathing, oh oh. The boys were there and talking, Oh what is going to happen, will we get the doctor, oh what will we do? Maybe we should get a ambulance or what, because Peter, how he just was gasping and gasping no able to breathe and looking up at us. He just was lying there a long while, then ye thought he was asleep till his breathing got okay again and ye heard it, and then he was looking up, his eyes were looking at ye. Oh what happened?

Ye fell off the f*****g tree, said Gary.

Just right down, said Mitch.

The branch bounced ye, I said.

Oh oh oh. It is my back oh and my chest, my chest is sore oh and my back and my shoulders, oh my arms, oh my back, oh it is f*****g sore oh I cannot breathe I cannot breathe.

And all the time it was all his breaths coming when he was talking just sore, ohhh ohhh, hooh hooh, hooh hooh.

He was all soaking and muddy. His jacket was not because we left our jackets on the ground when we climbed up. We were thinking what to do and then just got him up. We walked him up the field and round to his street then upstairs to his house. His big sister was there. She ran to get his maw. Other people were there and what they were saying, Oh Peter Wylie has broke his back. He fell off a tree. They were high up and Smiddy let go the branch.

But he had not broke his back and it was not my fault. That was Gary. Oh Smiddy let go the branch and Peter fell off. What did Gary say it for? He just thought it but he did not know, it was not my fault, it was the branch, just how it jerks right up it just is a real bounce and ye have got to cling on and cling on and just do it with all yer body just gripping because if ye do not ye just fall off and that was what happened. I was saying to the boys.

Peter's maw was there and what to do, Oh we will wait for Peter's da to come home from work. Or else run down to do a phone call. Oh if we need to get an ambulance. Or else if there is a taxi. Oh who can get a taxi?

We helped him in the house and lying on top of the bed. So then we were just to go home. His maw said it, Oh away home boys.

We all walked round to Billy's close and were talking. It was past teatime. Gary and Podgie went home and me and Mitch too. He said cheerio and I just ran up the stair and just stepped on the landing and the door burst open and it was my da. Oh come in here you bloody fool!

And he clouted me on the head and it went right on my ear, whohh a sore one. He pulled me right in the door and skelped me and it was on the side of the chin, a real smack. You climbing again? I thought I told you before! How many times, how many times.

Smack smack smack. I was down on the floor and with my hands up shielding from him.

Take yer punishment! Take yer punishment! He was trying to skelp my backside but I was getting away from him so his hand was hitting my legs. I was greeting and did not want them seeing me. I was just greeting and snotters out my nose. My da stopped doing it. Get in that room!

I was still on the floor and covering my face with my hands and it was hiding too, I did not want to see them, Matt and my maw, I thought if I hated them, if I really did.

Get in that room!

My room. Well I wanted to. I wanted to. That was what I said, I just wanted to, no to see them in that stinking house, that was what I said, I hated that house and just hated it all.

So get in then, get in! And he shoved me in the room.

I just really hated them, if I did, I really did, so if I just went away. I would just go. I wanted to. I was not their family. It was all just for Matt, he never got hit and just got everything and I was just wanting to get away and just get away away. They were there where they wanted. But I was not. I did not want to be there. They could just be anywhere, it did not worry me because I would not be with them and Mitch was going too, sometimes he ran away and I was going to go with him, the very next time I was going to.

I did not go to bed but was just lying on top of it. My maw came in after. If I wanted my tea. She was heating it up for me. I did not want it. I was to come and get it but I did not want to.

It was Peter fell off the tree, but it was not me did it, if they thought it was it was not. I telled his maw what it was and so did the boys, it was not my fault if it was the branch. But they were not bothering. My maw was saying about Peter and how he was in hospital, a neighbour came and telled them. Oh that poor woman.

But he was not in the hospital, they did not keep him in. My da went round to see, and his maw and da telled him how it was not my fault and how he just fell off, that was Peter, how he was just climbing all the time. His maw and da were sick telling him and now here he was, lucky for him he did not break his neck.

But mine still got on to me. They did. That was it in my house, I had not even done nothing and I was still getting it. Because the climbing, if I did not stop that b****y climbing. If I fell and broke my d**n neck, that was what he worried about, and what about my maw, what would she do? And that d**n balcony, that d**n balcony.

Because he found out I done it. There were two keys for the balcony and I took one to school. They did not know. I climbed up and came in and my maw saw me through the kitchenette window. She was at the sink, she dropped a good plate when I jumped in off the ronepipe. Oh my heart stopped beating, my heart stopped beating, that was what she said.

She telled my da when he came home from work and it was a doing. The next time was a worse one. The boys knew that one because Mitch was with me and he telled them. Mitch was down watching me and I just climbed up and in and was leaning back over and we were talking. But then the kitchenette door just opened and it was my da and he grabbed me. Mitch said it. I was just talking down to him then I vanished and it was shouting, and it was against me, I got a real doing.

That was my da. He was home early from work for something. It was a dentist else a doctor, I do not know. But that was the worst doing. It was a horrible one. I just got doings.

So if people ran away, ye knew how, and it would just be so much the better, even in the Bible, the Minister telled a story and maybe if it was about brothers, and one goes away and the other one stays home or else kills him and then Jesus and the Devil if the Devil was his brother and got cast out by the Heavenly Father. I did not care so if it was you and you were the Devil and got cast out. I did not care.

Boys ran away. They went to sea as a cabin boy and then to desert islands. When Mitch was old enough he was going in the Army How no me too? That was what he said. How come I did not join the Army? Then the two of us could go the gether. Other ones were doing it. Podgie said he was so how come I did not?

Oh well maybe I would. It was going to be the Navy but maybe if it was the Army and everybody all went. I did not care about the Navy, if my da wanted me to go in there. Just because he was in it, I did not care.

In my house ye did not get money, just if ye needed it for something, but no for yer pocket. People got money for their pocket and just spent it. Other ones did. Gary's big brother gived him some on a Friday night. That was his milk-job. Imagine a brother giving it. Maybe my grannie and granda would give me some. I needed to get it. Me and Mitch were saying about it. He hated his house too. We would just run away People ran away.

I was a best climber. If my da thought I was not. I was. People knew. If he thought I would do something and it was to Peter Wylie. It was not fair thinking that. I would not ever do anything bad to people. I just was climbing and Peter wanted to. He did. I did not make him. It was his business. If he just gripped on with all his body. I telled him. I said it to Billy and the boys. Peter did not hold on right, ye just have to really grip it tight. He did not so the bounce got him. It would not have got me if it was me, if it was me to do it and I was hanging on, the bounce would not have turned me, so if Peter dreeped down first and me second, it was just how I went first, if Peter had went first.

***

I did not join the Lifies. Other boys did, I did not. My da tried to make me. Oh you are aye moaning about having nothing to do so go and join the Lifeboys. You liked it back in the old place why no here?

Dad I am too old.

You are not too old.

I am going to join the BB.

Oh you are too young for the BB. You can join the Lifies just now.

I do not want to. I am waiting to see.

See what? Eh? See what? You feared of something?

Feared of something. That was what he said. Feared. I was no feared of nothing, if it was in the Lifies, it was just stupid, ye could not be feared of nothing. I said it to him. Dad I am no feared of nothing. I am waiting for the BB.

Oh but then my maw Oh it is not scared of anything it is not nothing it is anything you are not scared of anything and you have not to say feared it is scared. That was my maw. Oh you have to talk nice. That was her.

I was glad she said it because it made my da stop getting on to me. I did not want to go to the Lifies. It was just daft. My da forgot what age I was. Me and the boys were going to join the BB. Ye were not supposed to join till Secondary School because then ye were twelve but at the end of Primary School ye could be twelve, so then ye were old enough. Some were ready to join. It was just a wee company at the new Church and they were wanting to recruit all new boys so maybe they would let us in the now. It was not the same one as my big brother but I could have went to that too because he chucked it. My da did not like him for chucking it but he just done it. My maw backed him up. Oh it is just too much time, I need to study.

He said that to my maw but really it was his girlfriend because it was Friday night and he just wanted to go with her. I knew it. He did not think I knew but I did. Her maw and da let him into the house. He could sit in and he got a cup of tea, that was him and his girlfriend. She was in his school so it was trains there and back. On Friday night I always got the room to myself.

But some of the boys went to Bible Class. They said if ye did they would let ye in the BB sooner, if ye were still just eleven. My maw wanted me to go there. I went and then I stopped. Billy MacGregor had started going. My maw liked Billy because his maw and da went to Church and acted posh. But I did not want to go to Bible Class. The man that took it was mad. We all knew it. If it was for the BB I would go. It was in the new Church.

My maw wanted to go to Sunday Service with all the grown-ups but my da did not. She would not go without him. Sunday is a long-lie, he said.

Oh but Johnnie it would be nice to go to Church.

But it is the one day of the week.

Well what about me? said my maw.

Oh do I no deserve one long lie?

I deserve something too.

Oh if it is Sunday breakfast, I always make it for ye.

That was my da. He done the breakfast. But nobody wanted him to because it was how he just moaned all the time, it was just moan moan moan, and ye had to eat the breakfast even if ye did not feel like it, so if ye left something on yer plate, ye had to say an excuse. Oh sorry, I am full up.

Somebody does not like my cooking.

Oh dad it was good.

Well why are ye leaving it?

I am just full up.

You are the first man I ever saw that left a sausage on his plate. Maybe I burnt it.

No it was good.

But sometimes he just laughed. My da made jokes if Matt was not there. Matt went out on Sunday mornings and did not wait for breakfast. Where did he go? He did not tell us. Oh I am seeing my pals. He took stuff with him in a bag to play five-a-sides with his pals in school. He said that. Maybe he did not. He was quite good at football but no very good. He was good at other stuff But no at everything. I did not care if he was anyway. But he did not play for the school team. Best players did. So if he really was good how come he did not play for it? I did not say it to him. It was just really snobby at his school. They all were posh. One time Matt said it to me, Oh it is just a bunch of blasted snobs.

Are they all rich? I said. Eh Matt?

But he did not tell me. Matt only done it when he wanted. His books and jotters were there but just scattered about. One thing he done was a foreign language, Latin, I looked at his book when he was in the bathroom. Now he was just lying on the bed with his hands behind his head, looking out the window.

My da said it to my maw. Oh I think he has got a girlfriend. Have you got one too? He said that to me and was laughing.

But I quite wanted one. I liked two lasses in my class. One was Rona Craig but she liked Billy MacGregor. Him and Peter Wylie went with lasses. Billy was better than me at football. Another lassie was Julie Michaels. One time a teacher came to give us PE. We all thought it was games to get but it was dancing for the school party and it was Scottish Dancing, all just hooching and shouting, but it was a good laugh. Ye were to say girls instead of lasses. Julie Michaels came and got me for a partner. She wore perfume and ye smelled it. She took yer hands and ye jumped up to the right then up to the left, one two three, and then back again. Then she took yer one hand and went round in a circle, hooch hooch hooch. It was just Scottish and hard to get right. Boys were jumping and laughing. Some lasses were angry and telling the teacher, Oh Miss he is kicking me, oh he is pushing me Miss.

The song was like Oh the Grand Old Duke of York but was for Scotland instead, people were saying the name. I forgot what it was. My maw was asking. She liked Scotland, Oh it is your history.

I did not talk to Julie and we were not looking, only if I did not do the dance right. She said what I was to do. Oh it is the other foot. But usually I could do it without her, except if it was too fast. I did not need her to tell me. That was Julie, she liked to boss people. Some lasses were fed up with her.

The boys were seeing who ye danced with. So were the lasses. It was a good laugh but and when we were out on the playground we all were talking about it.

It was funny seeing ones like Isabel Hartley and Sarah Wright. They were top of the class. Isabel was going to be a Dux. The teacher said it. She could be a Dux just now People all laughed at her, quack quack.

Sarah danced with Robert Wotherspoon. I saw her eyes looking up the way and she had a red face. It was funny seeing her dancing. She could do it good. She was bigger than Robert. Robert was alright. He lived near her. He liked football and lenned ye the ball if ye wanted a game. But he was no one of the boys. He had other pals. They did not do stuff, I did not go about with them. So if ye saw them, ye just nodded. Sometimes they spoke to you. Oh Smiddy are you joining the Lifies? Oh Smiddy are ye going to Bible Class? Oh Smiddy Mitch is looking for ye. But Mitch was not looking for ye. It did not matter about what they were saying. If ye said it to Mitch, Oh were ye looking for me? He did not know about it. These ones only said it to get in with ye. I did not talk to them much.

Lasses did not like if they were bigger than the boy. My da said it too. He laughed if he saw it out the window. Oh this is better than the telly. He saw people walking down the street. Oh look at him. Oh look at her. Oh see his baldy head! Oh look at the size of her, she is like the side of a house!

So if it was a wee man and a big woman. Oh look at the wee bloke with the big dame! Oh come here and see!

He got my maw to look. She did not like doing it. Oh Johnnie that is not nice. They are man and wife.

Oh she is twice the size of him. Look! Then he would be laughing and pointing at her. Look look!

If my maw was not there he wanted me to look or else Matt. Matt did not like it. My da said, How no? It is only a laugh.

What if people see ye?

Matt did not like people seeing him. But they would not see because we were the top flat. They would have to look up high. People did not, not when they were walking. That was how my da liked it. Matt did not. If my da done it he just went out the room. My da saw him doing it and looked at my maw or else just out the window.

Matt did not talk much. If he did not come home at teatime my da was wondering. Matt was the hungriest in the house. So if he was not there, my da was laughing. Oh he definitely has got a girlfriend.

He is just seeing his grandfather, my maw said, he will get his tea when he comes home.

But I knew it was a girlfriend. I said it to him when I went into the room. He was just lying on the bed. Have you got a girlfriend?

What are ye talking about?

Dad said ye have.

Dad says a lot.

He just said ye have one. So maybe even if ye went into her house.

Matt had his eyes closed and his hands clasped behind his head. So if he did not hear me. He did not talk much to me. Sometimes I wished he would but other times I did not care, he was not like a brother, if brothers were pals, he was not one. That was Matt, that was him, if he wanted he just done it. Even with my da. If my da said something. Maybe Matt would not do it. My da never hit him, he was too old. But he did not hit him when he was young either. No much anyway. But Matt did not do stuff. He used to but no now Usually he was just in the room and with his radio.

I said to him. Eh Matt, will I put on the radio?

No. But then he said, Aye.

So I put it on. It came on at a place he liked and it was good songs. Matt's eyes were shut but he was listening, I knew he was. Maybe if he was fed up swotting. It was just swotting, swot swot. That was all he done. It was horrible. The house had to be quiet all the time. Even my da. My maw said it to him too. Oh will you turn the telly down a wee bit.

Oh but I cannot hear it.

Matt is trying to study.

So it was the complete house. Even when he finished the exams he still was swotting. He did not go out with any pals much except a Sunday We did not know where he went, except if it was ones from school. So it was snobs. He did not have any real pals. He used to have ones in the scheme but now he did not. So if he liked going to that school. Maybe he did, if he was a snob, maybe he was, even if it was yer brother.

Then my maw said it about me too, about that school. I thought it was just she was saying it and no meaning nothing. But then my da too. We were up at the hospital and in the corridor walking along and I heard her saying it, Well maybe Kieron can go there as well.

Oh what was that, it was the posh school. I was looking at maw but she did not say nothing else and did not see me looking.

My granda had got took into a unit. I did not know. I heard them talking how a growth was there. Matt was in with my Auntie May when we went into the ward. He went himself and found where it was. He just went into it and said to nurses and they showed him.

Then it was too much people round the bed. The nurse came and telled us.

Me and my da waited outside. He opened his paper and was reading it. Then was yawning and shut the paper. Oh how is school. How is it, is it okay?

Yes.

Ye looking forward to the big school? Eh?

Oh I do not know, maybe.

I was leaving in the summer and going to Secondary. So if it was Senior Secondary or Junior Secondary. My da said, Senior Secondary is the best and when ye leave school ye get the best job. Junior Secondary is just for dunderheids. I should know, that is where I went, do not tell yer mother.

He opened the newspaper and was reading it.

I saw the back page and was reading that, what if Rangers won the League. I thought they would. They could beat Celtic and the other teams. They could win easy Usually my da did not like me reading the paper when he was and if he saw me doing it he shut it. But just now he did not bother and gave me the back pages to see the football.

The teacher wanted us to read it. Oh if ye can just read the paper, that is a good benefit.

She liked us reading books the best. Oh but just read anything, just read anything. When I was a girl I read sauce bottles.

People were laughing at her but she did it, all the labels and if it was the cornflakes packet. She went round the class on Monday morning. Oh what have you been reading over the weekend? So then ye said it and if it was Lorna Buckle and a book, Oh Lorna will you tell everybody about it.

Lorna Buckle got a big red face. She had to stand in the front of the class. People laughed when she done it but then ye were listening. One time she done a Famous Five story out a book. I knew it because I read it. She telled the story and I knew what it was but did not tell the teacher.

I had the book out the library bus. It came round the street and ye just went in and got yer books. It was not like a real library, ye did not get many books. But it was good. The driver was a wee bit grumpy. But ye put yer name down for new books and he liked it if ye did. He showed ye the book names on a paper and ye just said, Oh that one, if a book had a good name, Lost Treasure of the Mountains.

I got that one but was having to skip bits. It was no very good and ye just forgot what it was and then were reading it and all the names of the people, who were they, they were all jumbled up. I saw Danny taking it out and telled him no to. Catholics came to the library as well. Some books ye did not read and just gave back. Ye said to people if ye knew a book was good or if it was not. Oh get that one, you will like it. But some books people told ye were good were not good.

Oh but it was great hearing the horn when the library came. It was the same as a bus nearly, a single-decker one. Ye watched for it coming then ran down the stairs to get first in. I tried to beat Danny but it stopped outside his close, so usually he got first choice. A lot of times it came too early and ye were still at school, so ye missed it and had to wait till next week or the week after.

A boy in my class was good at stories as well. Stuart Johnson. He just made them up. It was not from a book and was just daft but ye still listened, ye wondered what was going to happen. Oh there was a young man and he ran away from home to go to the Wild West and he joined the cowboys and they were all in a circus with pirates. So then it was a story about cowboys and indians and pirates as well. How come pirates if it was cowboys and indians? But people liked it. Podgie and Gary McNab just laughed at Stuart and said it was daft. He looked at ye when he was telling the story, he was wanting to see if ye were watching him. So if he was a true show-off. I think he was. I lifted my desk and looked in at the stuff, so he would see me doing it, Oh he is not listening to me.

But I was listening. But Lorna was the best one. Her voice went up and down and was a real lassie voice but what she done too if it was somebody talking, she did it in their voice. Oh where do you think you are going? So it was the baddy. Oh he is growling in his throat. Ohhhhh. Then it is the little girl. Oh please sir I do not know, I am just searching for my mummy. So Lorna done it in a wee squeaky voice.

Everybody liked it when she done them. I could tell stories too but I did not want to. I used to do it with John Davis when we went on the school buses. I just said if I was reading a book, oh it is about a boy who does this. John liked it. Mitch too and Gary McNab. Gary done it if he went to the pictures. He was good at it. So was Peter Wylie. Him and Billy went with lasses and that was what they done. They sat in the close and telled stories. Rona Craig was there. Peter said about pictures he went to. I done it with books. I read books a lot because in my house it was just peace all the time, Oh be quiet be quiet, so ye just read them.

***

Ye saw programmes on the telly too. Horrors. Some were good, except if they were too far-fetched and that happened a lot of times. It annoyed my da. Young lasses especially, if it was old men, if it was a play. How can a good-looking young lassie like her fall for that smelly old codger? He will just be pumping all the time. Pumping was not for's*x but just how my da said pumping for farting. Oh he will just be pumping the place out, it will be pongs everywhere.

It was all far-fetched, that was what my da said, just because of money, if the old codger did not have money no lassie would look at him twice. See the state of him. He is just a wrinkled old man with a baldy head and look, a bad limp, no a single tooth in his gub and he cannot walk without creaking and moaning all the time. No lassie would look at him twice. But would ye credit that, he is getting the woman and look, she is just a lassie, and beautiful, just a young lassie.

Old people are ponging. My da said it. It was not nice but I was thinking then my grannie, it was true, because sometimes she smelled, it was true, not a bad awful smell just maybe if it was whatever it was but ye knew it was her and ye never smelled it off anybody else. Old people on buses and on the train, they could have smells and sometimes bad awful ones. People said it. Look at that smelly old b*****d. Then ye saw an old old man. Oh he is minging, look at the state of him. But all people had smells. Even my maw, it was a milky kind of smell. My da's was just manky if he was home from work then washed but that smell was there, it was like bikes, that was on him, and ye saw his hands, inside his hands, it was the lines and there was black, so how come he did not wash it off?

Then if dogs sniffed ye. They did. They came up and sniffed. So you had one too. If they did not know ye they just went away The dog just came up and sniffed ye. Oh it is you. Because they did not know it was you till it was yer scent, so that was you.

Cats done it too but they did not tell ye they were, like how dogs done it. Cats just looked at ye. But if they opened their mouth to yawn oh what a smell that was and ye thought about all what they were eating if it was wee mice and old bits of stuff, and old skin off fish and scrapings, that was what cats got, and if they opened their gub for a yawn that was the worst pong ye could get, and ye saw inside their mouths, how it opened like a crocodile, Oh Captain Hook and it was going to swallow ye down. If a big cat done that and it bit yer hand it would just be half of it taken away, ye would just have yer thumb and finger left if granda's big cat bit it. Ye saw its teeth and it was like a crocodile, so then you got a hook to join on yer wrist or if it was yer leg, a wooden leg, that was with pirates, if maybe a shark got them, the pirates made ye walk the plank and ye saw down below all the sharks were swimming just waiting to get ye, just to gobble ye up.

Matt had one too, it was in the room with all dirty socks and stuff. And if it was an old man, that was the worst smell because he was old, but if they had money, thousands and thousands, so they were millionaires, so they got all the lasses. That was what happened. Young lasses and they were just beautiful. It was disgusting and ye saw it on the telly. The celebrities and personalities, they were all millionaires, and ye saw the women they got, and they were all old guys, no teeth.

My da got annoyed about it. If it was not money. Of course it was. Money talks. How does a young lassie go with somebody like that, and if she is a personality, she can get who she wants, it's b****y disgusting. My da went on and on. My maw was knitting, but waiting to speak. So then she did, her fingers and the needles just the same. Stop going on about it, you go on about it too much. She did not look at him but just said it. It is only a play.

Matt was there too. I was about to go ben and make some toast for supper. No now. They were going to have an argument so no supper, da would not want any. That was what he done, he got huffy. Ye waited to see what would happen but usually that was what it was, he brought his feet up on the chair then sat on them, facing away from her. Oh I do not go on about it too much.

Yes you do.

Well it is just far-fetched, an old man like that touching the young lassie.

It is only a play.

Well it is far-fetched.

Now Matt came into it. Dad they are married.

No they are not.

They are. In the play they are, that is the story.

It does not matter what it is, a story or a play or what, if it is a load of nonsense. That is what it is. In real life it would not happen, no with him, a young lassie like that.

Well she is getting off with somebody else.

Oh Matt, said my maw.

But she is mum, it is that young fellow, she is getting off with him.

Do not talk like that, it is not nice.

But she is.

Maw did not want to hear and she kept on with the knitting. I went ben to make the toast, just for myself or whatever it did not matter, I was wanting out before something happened. Sometimes I liked it when they were fighting but just now I did not. My head was sore. If something bad might happen, I was wanting away before. It was my head just being sore, I did not like it. My da acted stupid and Matt was going to get him, that was what I thought. It was going to happen. I could see them. Matt was better at talking. He could beat him. He could beat my da. Then if he was shaving, my da said that to him, Oh you think you are a man because you are shaving?

I do not have any option, said Matt, if I shave I shave.

Oh you will need a house to yerself next.

Maybe I will.

I saw them as if they were separate when they done it, it was not the real them. Ye felt like shouting at them just stop it, as if they were kidding on, that was what I thought, it was not a real argument. Even it annoyed me, sometimes it did, just something about it I did not like it it was daft. Stop it. Ye shouted at them in yer head. And what could happen now was if my da picked on me. That was what I expected. Then it was not kidding on. After a wee row with my maw or my brother he sometimes done it, then it was a real one and he just shouted at ye. But no at Matt, he did not shout at Matt.

***

They built a new Chapel, a right big one. Most of the Catholics went to it. It had all wee wee windows and they were in the shape of a Cross. If ye fired a stone, ye could not hit them unless it was a lucky throw Some boys tried it but not that many and they did not break them. The Cross could put ye off. That was what people thought, because the Cross is God's or else Jesus's so if ye hit it well that was you. I would not have done it. They put them there for good luck, so something bad would not happen. But what bad was going to happen? Nothing bad was going to happen. The place was full of Papes so more like something bad was going to happen to the Proddies. We would get the trouble, the way they were all just breeding, it was like hot cakes, so then what would happen, if they outnumbered us. My da got annoyed or if he laughed how they all went to the Pineapple then they came home and out they all went to the pub. That was funny, because how could ye say that was religious, that was not religious, that was just like they said something at the Pineapple and then came home and done something else, if that was supposed to be Christians, what did their Priests say about that, nothing, because they went to the pub themself or else had a carry-out, everybody knew it, they liked a bucket, but the likes of Ministers, the ones there that drank too much, they were few and far between. My da never went to the pub on Sundays, just Fridays and maybe Saturdays at dinnertime.

Sunday morning was hopeless but the afternoon was good. It was aye a big game of football and that was where the cards happened, after the game or else at half-time. I said to Pat about coming for that, if Danny came too. They knew Catholics played but only in the big game. But even our wee games were good except if we had more players. I telled Pat and he said he might come, but he never. If it was just me out in the street then he came down with his ball. Or else if Mitch came up for me to go and play heidies outside my close.

If it was raining, it did not matter except if it was too heavy. Even if it was snowing, we just went out. We played till I got called up or else if the snow fell too thick. It was my da called me up. He was not working and saw out the window a lot. So if it was us playing, and it was snowing or else heavy rain he opened the window and shouted down, Hoy you! Up here! At once!

So ye had to come. There was a lamp-post on the outside of the pavement. From there to the inside pavement was one goal. We made the other one along a bit with a brick for the other goalpost. The game was just on the pavement but ye could use the street if the ball went out, usually it did.

The other side of the pavement was the front garden and it was a fence. Ye had to watch the ball did not go over too much. I was better at heidies than Mitch. He was a great goalie. But when he heided the ball it went squinty and over the fence. The family that had the garden did not like it. I knew them. They did not give me a row because I stayed up the close but they gave me hard looks.

I saw Pat up at his window watching us. He was good at football. I waved to him to come out but he did not. He could have played the winner except it was Mitch, he did not know him except he was a Proddy. Some Proddies did not play with Catholics and the same the other way about. Billy MacGregor and Peter Wylie would but Podgie and Gary McNab would not. They hated them. So did Mitch but he just played if it was me. If Pat came out Mitch would have played. Pat would have played with Protestants. Other Catholics would not. So we would not play them. Danny was a wee bit like it. If him and Pat were out kicking a ball with their pals from school they looked over and gave ye a wave but would not say to come for a game. Danny was pals with me but would never have come out if Mitch was with me.

A lot of times I went down the shops to meet the boys. If Pat was down a message for his maw he gave me a wave. One time he shouted on me, Oh Kieron, how ye doing?

I just shouted back, No bad Pat, how is yerself?

When he went away Gary McNab said, Who the f**k is that?

Is he no a Pape? said Podgie.

Mitch was just looking at me, he knew he was. But Podgie and Gary knew he was a Pape as well. They were just acting it. And Gary said, Oh he called ye Kieron.

Oh Kieron! Podgie laughed.

If Papes called me Kieron, that was what they meant, how come? How come they did not say Smiddy? So Kieron was a Pape's name. I did not care. I did not care about my name. If people said Kieron and gave a wee look, well that was just them. One was one, then the other one. That was just me, that was what I thought.

Papes stayed everywhere and beside Gary and Podgie as well. People all knew them. Ye just gave a wee nod and so did they If ye saw ones coming ye kept out their way. Ye just went on the other side of the road. They did it or else us. Ye saw them coming a long way away so ye just crossed over, or else they done it. But ye done it a long way away. Because if ye did not, if ye waited too long, well ye had to stay. That was Podgie, Oh I am not moving for these c**ts.

So then if ye just kept walking. So they had to cross over. Ye hoped they would. Ye did not want a fight, except Podgie and if Mitch was there, Oh I will f*****g kill them.

Podgie just laughed but it was a worry. Because then the Papes saw you and how ye were not crossing the road. They thought if ye were chancing it, ye were making them look like's***ebags. So they would not let ye. Then ye could not back down, we could not and they could not. When they passed ye had to not give in, ye did not squeeze to the side to let them pass and they did not do it either. Ye kidded on ye did not see them. They done the same. When yez passed ye just walked a wee bit in and they walked a wee bit out and so then yez got through and no an argument and ye were just glad. Except Podgie. If it was one boy walking and he did not get out the way Podgie punched him off the pavement and even a kicking. Usually it was not to Papes, because ye did not know him and if he was in a gang or had big brothers, so if he came back with a team to get ye.

But people did not want trouble and usually ye just went the other side, if ye were yerself, if ye saw boys coming, ye always crossed over. So did big boys and even men, a lot of men, ye just looked to see who it was, they looked as well so if they knew ye, Oh hullo boys.

But if they did not know ye. I saw men cross over. Except with a drink in them, then they would just walk to ye. Ye heard them in the street if they were drunk. So if it was a Friday night they went to the pub after their work and came home steaming. Some came along the road singing and shouting, Follow Follow, Follow Follow. We are the Peopell. No surrender, no surrender!

People said it back to them. What is the cry? Oh no surrender! Wee boys shouted it to the man and ran after him and maybe went with him.

But then what if it was Papes? If Papes saw the drunk man. Oh who the f**k is that! Maybe they would give the drunk man a doing. Proddy b*****d. We thought that. We went behind them to see. So if people were there, if there was Papes. What were they going to do? If they took on the drunk man. That was not fair, and just wee boys with him. So if we were there.

A lot of times Mitch got angry at Papes. Podgie pointed at him. He liked it when Mitch got angry. But me as well because it just was not fair, people picking on one, if it was one Proddy and a gang of Papes were getting him, so ye were just watching to see who was going to do it, because they would soon find out with us there. What was the drunk man's name? If he was somebody's da, maybe he was. One was Mr Thompson, he stayed in my bit. He had two wee lasses. He came home drunk a lot of times and was shouting and bawling. Oh f**k the Pope, f**k the Pope. Pat and Danny knew him. He did not do nothing except if he was drunk. The worst was a man that got his head kicked in. He was a Proddy too. That man was just drunk and could not defend himself. My da said it, He could not defend himself. And they still done it. So that was the worst cowards. Imagine it was yer own da and a gang was going to jump him. What would ye do ye would just run and batter them. So it was quite the same. If people were going to pick on one man they had another think coming. They were looking for trouble. That was just cowards because he was drunk. So he could not defend himself. Even if he was a good fighter but now he was not and ye could batter him, just a bunch of weans could batter him. Well if they thought that they were wrong. We were there and would back him up. Fenian b*****ds.

We were not scared if it was bigger ones. It was dark and ye could run away easy through closes. We were not scared of them.

The drunk man did not see us, only the wee boys. We did not walk near him. So it was not us, we were not doing nothing, if people heard him shouting and looked out the window and saw us, well they did not. If it was Papes there and ye knew them, ye kidded on ye did not, just looked the way ye were going. If ye saw two ones sitting at a close and they were watching ye. So you were watching them. Who were they? If ye did not know them, well, if they are Papes. They were just sitting like that. If they were Proddies they would shout to ye. Or what. They would not be there, no sitting like that. If they were Catholics and they said something, well, we were just waiting, we would have jumped them. Who were they looking at. If they did not say nothing and just looked, who were they looking at if they thought they were looking at us. We were no feared of them, never, we would never have been feared of them. And if they were laughing, what were they laughing at. Even if a wee boy flung a stane at them, we would back him up. If it was just a wee boy and they were going to jump him, we would not stand back. But they would not do it with us there. We just stared at them. So if they did say something it would be after we were away, so we could not hear them, they were just cowards, Fenians were just cowards. And then if it was an old drunk man, imagine doing it to him, it was just cowards that done that.

So if a wee boy did fling a stane, the boys sitting would just walk into the close and through the back, we would not chase them, no unless they done something, but ye would just have to watch it because what the wee boy did not think was if the Papes had a gang and came looking for us so then what. Ye turn back or if ye do not, if it is a fight, what else, how many of them are there, so if it is too many ye have to scatter, just run for it.

***

Matt came out to the ward waiting room. I was to go in and see my granda. Matt stayed out with my da.

I just went in myself and saw my maw and Auntie May, and my grannie too. I did not know she was there but she was. In the next bed was a man and he had a very small head, it was just wee, and his eyes just shut.

My maw waved to me so I was to go round the other side to my granda. He was lying with the sheets up and his pyjamas and all white hairs out his chest. He was smiling and I was to take his hand and it was hair at the back too and all up his arm all black hairy I did not see it like that before. My maw was watching me. My granda was only lying there and his breathing. I stood at the front and my grannie was watching. Granda was smiling and so was I but he did not say anything. I thought about what to say to him but nothing came till then, Hullo granda.

Hullo son, and a croaky wee voice.

Are ye okay?

Oh I am fine.

My grannie was just looking and ye saw her. She was just sad, just looking. And if she was worried too, she was, I saw it, I saw how she was. That was my grannie, I knew how she looked. So if my granda was going to die. Oh.

My maw too, her and Auntie May, just looking to see him. I made a sound and it was a funny one like a big hiccup, oh, I was going to greet just be greeting, I was going to but just managed it, I kept it in.

It was alright after it and I was just to go away from the bed, my grannie looking at me. Oh yer granda is tired son, just say cheerio.

Well cheerio granda.

My da was there and waved to me. He took me and Matt home. My maw stayed with my grannie and Auntie May.

It was a bus from the hospital to the subway then the train. And now a Sunday so hours just waiting for everything. My da was talking about football. It was a game on television.

Matt was just quiet. He was thinking about my granda. I was too. My da said something else, whatever it was, if it was school or else if it was what, I do not know, it was no to me, it was to Matt.

Matt said stuff back to him. To do with things, I do not know, I was seeing out the train window and the people all there in their houses, how they did not know about granda and the other ones all in hospital and all in their hospital beds. People were just walking outside on the street, so if ye took away the walls in the hospital it would just be into the wards, ye would just see in, and all the people lying in their beds, all looking down at the ones on the street. Granda would just smile, that was granda, all what he done. And people would be waving up to them.

Another day after that my maw gave me money for the train and subway to my grannie's. I was trying to skip my fare but the man saw me. I was looking out the window but he came and got me. Oh I have lost my ticket.

But I had to buy one.

Lost yer ticket is just daft, I should have said something else. The man did not even speak, just held his hand out for my money.

But instead of the subway I went down and got the ferry so that was money in my pocket. My grannie gave me some too. Even on weekdays now I went to her house, I went straight after school. My maw wanted me to. My grannie went up to hospital at nighttime. I walked down the stair with her to the main road. She got a bus and I went the other way kidding on to get the subway but I did not.

And when ye got home it was good with the money in yer pocket and ye could put it in yer plank.

My maw liked me going to grannie's with granda no there, it was company for her. Sometimes Auntie May was there but sometimes she was not. She did not talk much to me just smiled a wee bit. I went after school and got my tea there. Her and my grannie were talking about Uncle Billy. He was coming back from England to see granda.

My maw always gave money for the subway. Then I got more off my grannie to go home on it, but I did not. I liked the ferry better anyway, it just took long to go but it was great at nighttime seeing the lights on the water and everything all quiet. Ye could just lean yer elbows on the rail and look out or if it was raining just in beneath the cover and yer back to the wall and it was boiling hot with the engines and the engine smell. All the ships were there that were getting built or else just sitting there in the water, all dark. But if their lights were on along the gangways and ye saw men there, just maybe their heads, they were sailors. Or if ye heard them talking and their voices came out loud although they were not shouting, or if they were laughing. And then too it was pots and pans clinking, ye heard it way down the river and thought what they were getting for their tea. It was something good. My da said how it was big steaks and ham and eggs and as many sausages as ye could eat, if ye wanted more ye just put yer hand up and the cook guy came and gave ye it. They got chips and puddings too if they wanted them. A lot of sailors did not take their puddings, they had enough with their dinner bits, potatos and whatever.

***

The boys were talking about how Mitch was no at school and we would go up and see if it was something, what it was. Two would go. So that was me and who else. Podgie. But I was first, I was Mitch's best pal. People knew that.

His maw answered the door. Oh hullo Kieron. William is away, he is down in England with his auntie and uncle.

Is he coming back?

Oh yes, it is just a wee holiday. Come on in a wee minute.

Oh no.

Just for a wee minute. What is your name? she said to Podgie.

Derek.

Oh yes, that is right.

Derek was his real name. Podgie had been in Mitch's house before, but no much. I did not want to go in now but his maw took us. Podgie was glad. People liked seeing in houses. But I went into Mitch's other times so it did not matter.

He had a room to himself because he was a single brother with all big sisters. If I had a big sister and no Matt I would have got a room to myself. It was great for all yer own stuff.

Mitch did not think it was. He wanted a brother and a big brother. He thought it would be good. But no it was not. Maybe if it was a young brother because then ye got the things, the best sides and the best drawers and all else. But no a big brother. Oh but Smiddy Matt is a good big brother.

Mitch said that. He liked Matt. If he was in my house and Matt was there Matt waved to him. Howdy Mitch. That was what he said to him, Howdy Mitch. Mitch thought that was great. He liked being in my house.

His maw let me and Podgie into his room and it was all just the usual except neat and tidy, all his pictures on the wall.

Just wait a minute, she said and went away back out. So we were just there. It was not good with Mitch no there. I did not like it. Mitch had a knife planked in below his bed. I knew where it was, if it was still there. I would never tell Podgie. Mitch had started doing model airoplanes and two were hanging on the ceiling. Podgie wanted to touch them. I did not want him to. Oh Podge you should not touch them, I said.

Oh I am no going to hurt them.

Yes but if Mitch is no here, it is his stuff.

Oh he will not care, said Podgie. He lifted one down and looked inside it and was touching all its bits and the propeller too, pushing it. Oh it does not go round.

No because it is stuck down, it is glued, it is not a real propellor.

If anything came off Mitch would hate it. He stuck it all with glue and it took ages to do it right. He showed me how to but my fingers could not do it so easy. Oh but if ye keep doing it and keep doing it, said Mitch.

But I got tired with all that stuff.

Podgie lifted another one and was looking at it then looking on top of the cupboard, then at the window and on the ledge, if anything was there. I knew Podgie and he knocked stuff so I was watching him. I would not have let him knock stuff. If he had done it, I would not have let him. Now Mitch's maw shouted on me. Oh Kieron, bring Derek through to the living room.

She had cups of milk and a piece and cheese each for us. She said, Oh sit down a wee minute.

Oh I am fine standing, I said, but Podgie sat down and started eating the piece.

Mitch's da was there reading a paper. I did not like him. He hated Mitch. Mitch said it. Mitch just hated him back. Smelly old f*****g c**t. That was what Mitch called him. I got more doings than Mitch but Mitch got punched, so that was worse. My da never punched me but it was real hard skelps, he done it to yer legs and they caved in. I did not swear at my da, even in my head. Sometimes I was going to but I did not.

If he was old maybe he would punch me. Mr Mitchell was a lot older than my da. He wore big specs and they fell down his nose, so he kept shoving them up. He waited a wee minute reading his paper then stopped and put it down. Oh hullo boys.

Hullo Mr Mitchell, I said.

Oh I know this one.

Kieron Smith.

He is William's friend, said Mrs Mitchell.

Of course ye are, he takes you in his room. Oh but you are the climber. William says you are the best climber and could climb Ben Nevis. But could you climb Mount Everest?

No.

He laughed. But I did not like him saying it with Podgie there. If I was showing off, I was not. It was not me that made him say it. I was not a boaster. Mr Mitchell looked at Podgie now, pushing on his specs. Oh who are you?

I am Derek, said Podgie.

I have not heard of you.

I am his pal too.

Oh, that is nice. And it is nice he has got pals. Mr Mitchell looked to Mrs Mitchell. Where has Margaret got to? Is she not back yet?

No father.

That was Mrs Mitchell saying it. I heard her before. She called Mr Mitchell father although he was her husband. Some mothers called the husband dad. Mine did not. But sometimes she did. But she really just called him by his name. My grannie called granda dad. They all called him dad, my maw as well. But he was her dad. People did things different in families. In my house the youngest did stuff but in this one that was not it, it was the big sisters. Mitch did not do anything. That was the same in Pat's house, he had sisters too, so he did not do stuff.

Mitch only went messages if he wanted to. He knocked money off his family and that was a way he got it off his maw I done it off mine. But he went into his maw's purse, I did not except only a few times. He went into his da's pockets as well. That is something I would not do because if he caught ye that was the worst. The one way was if it was the ice-cream van, if my da sent me down for fags and chocolate, if it was Saturday night. Oh we will get bars of chocolate.

So when the icey came round I went down to get the stuff and I just knocked money out the change. Ye just had to be careful, if ye took too much and ye waited for him counting. Usually he counted but he did not say if it was too little. How much is that chocolate? He did not ask me. So if he had. Oh I do not know what it costs, I just gave the man the money and he gave me the change.

Oh you should always count yer change. My da would say that. My maw too, Oh you must count yer money. I never asked my da for money. Maybe Matt did.

But Mitch got it off his. That was something. I said it to him. Oh if yer da gives ye money.

Well if he does not I just take it out his pockets. Mitch tried to get me to do it to mine. All the time he tried it. If yer da goes to the pub and comes back, ye just take it, he will no know. That was how he done it. He did not care if his da caught him doing it. If me and the boys were there and we did not have nothing, we got Mitch to get it. Podgie said it, Oh Mitch can you get money?

Mitch went and done it. Podgie tried to get in with Mitch because he got money But then if he made a fool of him? I did not like it. Oh Mitch, I said, Podgie is just at it with ye, he just wants yer money.

Some Friday nights my da went to the pub after his work and did not come home till late. My maw did not like him doing it. I could have went into his coat pockets then but I did not. If he ever found out, that would have been me. That would have been the worst. My da hated thiefs the worst of all. On board the ship they just threw them over. Man overboard. Oh he was just a dirty thief. So the Captain did not stop the ship. What was worse than stealing off yer shipmates? Oh feed him to the sharks.

But if I did take his money and he found out, so what, I would just run away. I did not care if he gave me a doing. So what? The next day ye were better. I thought I would do it, but I did not. If I ran away I would.

Mr Mitchell was saying to me and Podgie about school but we were not saying much back. I would have if Podgie was not there. I wished he was not. He would tell everything to people. If Mitch's maw and da said stuff, he would just go and tell them. That was what Podgie done.

Mrs Mitchell said, Oh William is enjoying his wee holiday.

Oh yes, he will be coming back in a week or two, said Mr Mitchell. He was looking at me but I did not speak. Then I did. Oh I could write a letter.

Oh that would be nice, said Mrs Mitchell, he would like that.

I could as well, said Podgie.

Oh that is nice of you, she said.

I finished my piece and drank the milk. I gave the cup to Mrs Mitchell. I was wanting Podgie to finish his but he was just doing it slow. I saw him smiling and it was for nothing. I did not like it when he done that. He was not a real pal to people and was just wanting to see stuff about Mitch's big sisters. He had three. The oldest one was married and had two babies. I had not seen her. Margaret was the nearest one to him but that was four years older. She called him wee brother. Oh wee brother, do you want any toast?

I liked how she said it. The other sister was Carol. They did not open Mitch's bedroom door but just chapped it. In my house people opened the door and said stuff to you but his waited till you said it to them. What is it? So then the person came in.

It was because it was lasses, so ye would not see them if they were not wearing their clothes. My maw always said it, Knock before ye enter, but a lot of times ye forgot. She forgot with me and Matt, she just came in and was looking about yer room, and if ye were not dressed. Oh mum, she just went, Oh sorry, and came back out. But if she chapped the door and ye said it, Oh just a wee minute. Then it was alright. My maw just looked in yer room. Even yer private stuff, so if ye had planked something, ye had to watch it. I did not like keeping stuff, so when I used to go up the loft it was good for hiding all what ye wanted. But I was finished with the loft now. I could just never go up again. If ever I did I was finished. That was what my da said, I was on my last warning, he would just kick me out the house. I telled Mitch.

Oh we will just f*****g run away.

Mitch had done it before and talked about it a lot. But where would ye go? I said to him about the highlands. I thought the highlands was the best. But he said England because he had his relations and now that was where he was.

I thought that, maybe he just ran away, if his maw and da were not telling us. Podgie thought that too but I did not say it to him. I liked Mitch's maw. She always gave ye stuff if ye were in the house, biscuits or a piece and something. But Mitch did not like her either. And his sisters. How come he did not like his sisters? They were good. Oh I f*****g hate them, I f*****g hate them. He said it to me. Oh if I had poison I would just poison them all to death, everybody in the whole house.

People liked him saying it, Podgie and the boys laughed when he did. But I did not like him saying it. And no to everybody. If I thought that I would not say it to people. I liked Mitch. I wished it was all better. I thought about John Davis too. It was not fair.

Podgie just sipped his milk. I looked to him but he kidded on he did not see me looking. But I knew he did. I was glad to go away Oh I think it is time to go home now. Mr Mitchell said it. I was glad, I was ready and went to the living-room door. Podgie stood up and came. Mrs Mitchell took us to the front door. Oh Kieron it would be very nice to write a letter to William, he would love it, you are his best friend.

She shut the door after us.

Oh but I wished she had not said about best friends. Podgie did not like it, he just went down the stair and we went along the street, not talking.

***

I went up for Peter and Billy but they usually just went the gether. They let me come but if I did not go up for them they did not come up for me.

But what they did was comics, I did not bother. They saved comics and went round swopping them. Billy had most comics but his maw was snobby and did not want boys up at her door. He swopped them at Peter's door. People came there to do it. I liked to see the stamps and comics but no too much and I did not save them. If it was raining they stayed in their own street. If ye were passing and they were in a close ye went in to talk and it was about songs in the Top Forty or good pictures they saw. Peter sang the songs and mimicked the people in the pictures, he could do it funny Ye were just all laughing when he done it.

The other real thing was lasses. They had girlfriends and just saw them and if it was you you were the third one and it was just two and two, ye got left outside the close. I did not like that. One was Rona Craig. If her and her pal went messages for their maw Peter and Billy walked them down the shops. I liked Rona too.

Ye did not do that with Podgie and Gary. Podgie just laughed at lasses. He said things that were daft and like a wee boy. I did not laugh at it. Gary did but Peter and Billy did not. I liked going with them, they done other stuff. They listened to the radio. On Sundays ye were playing football and some went away before the game finished. Peter did it but then Billy did. We were playing football and he just stopped. Oh I am away with Peter to hear the Top Forty. I would have went too. I did not ask but if I did they would have let me. But no if Podgie was there.

But on Sunday it was the hospital. I did not like coming to see granda but usually I had to.

It was just in the ward with the other people and him in bed with the blankets down his chest and his head all baldy and his arms outside. He did not look the same and his face had changed, it looked dirty and yellow and just wee, just a wee face. Maybe if the window was open and dirt came in. It was lines in his face, the dirt was in them. I could clean it up, just wipe it if there was a cloot to do it. Then his chest where the buttons on the pyjamas were, the hair poked through, all white hair from his chest, long stuff all through the pyjamas edges and tangled up and just like hair on a head.

What if he passed away and ye were to go in and see him? His face just looking at ye. I did not want to see it. What would it look at ye for? It would just look at ye. It would just be another thing and laughing out at ye if it was creepy, if it was an evil spirit, granda was away and it took his body and then his mouth opened and his eyes too, just a wee bit. What if they opened wide and it jumped out to get ye?

Ye saw something funny and went up close to see. Ye looked in and ye knew it was not the same granda. Phantoms went into bodies then came out. The soul came out if ye passed away. It was my granda's soul if it was him. It flew out yer body and up to Heaven. Or it flew you away. The spirit came to get ye. Ye were dead. It came to get yer spirit and take it up to Heaven. That was the Guiding Spirit. Ye held its hand and it pulled ye out yer body. And then up up up going over the chimney tops. Ye were holding on going all the way up past clouds and way way up to Heaven to sit beside a Generous Host. Nobody was turned away from the Golden Table, and it was just a feast.

But if he was not passed away, only sleeping. But then he did it when ye were there visiting. Ye would see his mouth wide open, Oh it is the last gasp. It is his dying breath.

People gasped to get it and then could not. That was granda. He just gasped and could not lift stuff, not even a screwdriver. He could not walk and could not do sparring with ye. Oh I need to get a breath son, that was what he said and breathing to get it like hiccups, wee hiccups, slow ones and his eyes big looking at ye, hit hit hit and wee squeaky sounds, hit hit. And ye wished he just would not look at ye. How come he was looking at ye. Until then he smiled. Oh it was granda it was just granda it was him after all, and nearly ye were greeting. Oh what is it son?

Oh it is just you granda.

I knew it was only granda. That is who it was. Him himself. I just did not like it. But when I came home after seeing him I was glad oh just glad I went, I was.

Men came up to see him and were Masons. My grannie telled me in a quiet voice. Oh they are good men. And always smart. Oh they have nice clothes.

Granda had old friends from where he worked. They brought him stuff and he gave it to me and Matt. Lucozade and lemon juice. Oh I am no wanting that, give it to the boys.

Oh but granda it is yours, I do not want it.

Do as ye are told son.

Granda could have that voice if my maw was there or Uncle Billy. If he was angry, it sounded like that. They done what he said. My maw did not want to but she did. But he never done the voice with Auntie May. He liked her the best. That was what I thought. Her and grannie.

People liked some and no others. It was no really fair. It happened with me and Matt. No granda but he liked the two of us equal. He did. Most people liked Matt. Oh he is the first-born, said my grannie.

One time granda was sleeping and his hand was lying and I could take it and then he would smile out at me. Oh son it is you. But I did not. If he passed away I would do it and just take his hand, Oh bye bye granda, and his head would not move. That would be him dead. People are dead. My Granda Smith passed away before I was born. He was my Grannie Petrie Smith's husband. I called him Granda Petrie Smith and she checked me for it. Oh he was not a Petrie. I am the Petrie. He was a Smith.

It was just granda's cats, what about them? Grannie did not bother with cats. So if she kicked them out, where would they go? Uncle Billy could take them. Or us. If my maw let us. She did not like cats, but maybe if it was granda's she would. Oh but our house was too wee, that was what she said, you cannot swing a cat in it. There was just no free space for cats and just for nothing at all. Nobody picks up their mess. She shouted at people, Oh pick up yer mess.

But it was Matt that done it. And my da too, he left his stuff lying, his shoes and his jacket. And his cups and plates. He left them beside his chair in the living room so if ye walked by ye stepped on something. A cup. Or if ye stood on his jacket and stuff was in the pocket. Oh my fags my fags, so ye squashed the packet and it was just a stupid big row But ye could not help it if it was down at the side of the chair. Or his ashtray, ye kicked that and the ash and the dowps all scattered. So then my maw got angry at me. Or if it was a can of beer, that was the worst, the can went flying and all the beer splashing on the carpet. Oh stupid stupid, shouting at me, my maw was shouting at me, but it was my da that left it. Oh it is just asking for trouble with Kieron there. She said that to him, it was my clumsy feet.

Then the worst happened and she was greeting. It was terrible. My maw did not greet much. My da was just looking at her. She went away out the living room. My da looked to me. Oh for G*d sake son can ye no watch where ye put yer feet?

But it was no my feet's fault it was him for leaving it there.

And the shoes down the lobby at the bathroom door. Everybody left them there. If ye needed a pee during the night ye tripped over them. When it happened to my da ye heard the crashing and shouting and if he swore too, B****y d**n thing.

I tried no to leave stuff lying about, and in the bedroom I kept my side tidy. Ye walked in and saw it. It was not my clothes lying on the floor and a stack of clothes in below the bed. Matt just kicked them under. There was a laundry thing in the bathroom and one out in the lobby so ye could just shove in yer stuff. But he did not do it. If my maw was doing a wash she had to go and find his clothes. Oh if everybody would just put their old clothes in the laundry.

But it was not everybody it was Matt.

Oh do not blame your brother.

But it is him doing it.

Oh Kieron.

But it is no me.

It is not me.

Not and not no. It is not me and not it is no me. I just got sick of it. Matt did not even make his bed. His own bed. He did not make it. So she made it. Not if I was there. She did not want me seeing. So it was still not made when he came home from school. At bedtime he just jumped in and it was all untidy and the sheets and blankets all out. He did not bother. He was just lazy I said it to my maw.

Oh stop cliping.

So I was cliping because I telled what he did. Then getting a row for what I never did. And it was him that did it. I just said it so that was me cliping. It really was not fair. My da never said nothing if it was Matt. Oh Matt Matt. Everything was Matt, he was just the goodie. That was my house.

I did not want my maw making my bed. Maybe I had stuff planked under the mattress. What if I did? I found a n**e book on the train coming back from my grannie's. I was going to take it into school. People done that, they opened it under the desk, then out in the playground. Sometimes they hid them off ye. Gary McNab did not let ye see. But just for a laugh. He did after.

But having one in the house was a worry. Just if my maw found it. She went into our stuff. She even done it if ye were there and just lying on the bed reading a book. She was a quiet walker. Then the door jumped open and in she came. Ye got a fright the way she done it. She went to the cupboard and poked about. Oh you need clean shirts. Oh this vest is just a disgrace. Oh you do not need all those socks. Oh what happened to your new underpants? Oh see this jersey, it is dad's, dad has been looking for it.

Well I did not put it there.

Oh well somebody did.

Yes but not me. I would not take dad's jerseys, they were too big. We got trouble with socks and underwear. My maw washed them. After they were dry she put them in yer drawer but did not get the sizes right. Then with underpants, if she put my da's into my drawer and I put them on and went to school they were just hanging down all day and it was terrible. He got angry about it, but it was a laugh too when ye said it.

Other mothers did not poke about but she did. So ye could not plank stuff in yer drawers. I done it at the side of the bed and put the n**e book in with stuff like football boots and old balls and games. It was just a worry but. I was quaking. What if she came home early from work and found it? I rushed home from school at dinnertime and got it, I buried it in the backcourt and covered it over with stones. But when I went to get it it was not there, the stones were all scattered. Somebody took it. But what if it was a grown-up? What if they telled my maw? I had that in my stomach for days, what was going to happen?

***

When Gary did not come out it was just me and Podgie. One time he came home from school with me. I brought him in the house. My maw let me. Ye just saw their feet were clean or what and they waited in the lobby or else the living room if my da was no home. But with just me there Podgie went over the whole house and was going to go into my maw and da's room. I said to him, Oh do not go in there, that is my maw's room. So he stopped but he was peeping in. He still wanted to go in. I did not let him and shut the door.

He kept looking to see stuff and then with a wee smile on his face. How come? Maybe if he thought something daft about yer house, if he was just laughing at ye and telled people. Even if it was yer maw She gave him a piece and he opened it to see inside. He done it all the time. Even she was looking, he still done it. It was rude, I saw her face. If it was a piece and cheese, or just jam, he opened the two slices and looked in. What did he do it for? I got a sick feeling, if he was going to be cheeky to her. So if my maw did not put on enough jam or the cheese was too thin, if he thought that. One time I got a cheese piece off Gary McNab's maw and the cheese was really thick, just the thickest, so even it tasted different. I quite did not like it, just if it was too thick and ye could taste a flavour that was greasy fat and ye only tasted that. Oh is that a cow? It tasted like a cow. Or else a wee baby's milk if sick was coming out its mouth. I did not like cheese too thick. Unless if it was toast and cheese, then the grease came out and tasted smashing. I made it for supper and cut thick slices. My maw did not like me doing it. The cheese melted over the toast and sparked up at the gas, sticking to the grate and the pan, making it all greasy. So if it went hard, how did ye get it off? Ye had to scrape it and watch ye did not waste the pan if ye scraped too hard. I got a row off my maw for doing it. Podgie did not know about it because in his house he did not do the dishes.

In my house ye done them. One time the boys came up for me and I was still doing it. I did not hear the bell and my maw went to the door so then she said it to them, Oh Kieron is doing the dishes.

So they all laughed at me. I did not care.

Podgie did not go pals with people except if he wanted in with them. So if he went pals with me he wanted in with me. If it was to get in my house or what, I did not know. If Gary was not there he had nobody except if it was young ones that stayed near him. He did not want that.

But a lot of times Gary did not come out. Ye went up for him and he just left ye outside. He even shut the door. So ye were sitting out on the landing stairs. He done that a few times. Even he just sat and watched the telly. You were outside waiting. He knew ye were waiting. So when he came out he telled ye the programme he was watching. Oh it was a laugh, ye want to have seen what happened. And then he telled ye the story about it. He done that and ye just felt, Oh I am never going to come up for him again.

But if he had a fag and shared it with ye. So ye did not know what it was, if he was yer pal or what.

Then his big brother, if he came up the stair and ye were sitting outside the door. Oh who the f**k are you?

Oh but he knew who ye were, he just said that. He saw me on Sundays after the football and him and the big boys were playing cards. We all watched. He kidded on he did not know ye to make ye feel bad. Other ones liked him. He worked on the milk and made good wages and then got good haircuts and good clothes. If it was good style. People watched to see what he was wearing. Oh Gary's big brother has got good style. Oh it is an Italian suit and his shirt is American. Gary telled us about it. Oh see that jacket, it cost a fortune and he just paid it. He is giving me his old one. I can get it taken in.

Gary's big brother gave him clothes when he grew out them. He gave him money too. I saw him do it. Come here ya wee b*****d. And he gave him money. He called him a wee b*****d but he gave him money. Gary saw us looking and winked to us.

My big brother never had money and did not have good clothes except at Christmas or for his birthday. He just had school ones and then if he got something off Uncle Billy but Uncle Billy was bigger and usually they did not fit. Oh you will grow into them. Then if it was trousers. Oh yer mother can shorten them. Oh she can take them in for ye.

My maw did it with her needles and thread. She took the trousers and made the bottoms loose then shortened them up and ironed them. But if Matt did not like them. Sometimes he did not wear them. My da got angry at that. Oh if your mother has taken the time to do it.

But Matt just went ben the room. He did not like fighting with my da. My da just said it was arguing. We are only arguing.

I do not want to argue.

Well why will ye not wear the trousers?

I do not like them.

I was laughing when Matt said that. My da saw me but did not say anything. But I was not laughing at him. I just laughed. It was not at Matt either. One time he got a job but only for one week then he chucked it. Imagine that. Ye had a job and got money and then just chucked it.

Gary was getting a job with his big brother next year. Ye had to wait till Secondary School. That was the same with other jobs. I was getting one too. I needed to because of money, just to get money, I never had any and just needed it. A milkboy job was best, or else the papers. Just anything. I never had any money. People knew that. Oh any fags? Oh do not ask Smiddy. Fancy a bottle of ginger? Nobody said it to me. If Mitch had money or Gary, or Podgie, but I did not unless I got it, so maybe if a woman gave me it for climbing the balcony. But they did not ask much. One time I had my fares to go to my grannie's and I met Podgie and Gary when I was going to the railway station so I did not go. I just kidded on I was out and just walking about. I bought fags with the money and shared them out.

I hated it after. I hated it. Just my grannie and granda. I thought about them. It was just terrible and rotten what I done. I was just rotten. I was a f*****g rotter. I said it in my head, Oh you are a f*****g rotter. And if people ever found out, if my grannie said it, Oh Kieron has not been to see us. And then my maw, Oh but I gave him the money, so ye just spent it on fags. It was just terrible and horrible and granda in hospital. I would never do it again.

It was Gary and Podgie's fault. They said it to me. Oh you have never got any f*****g money.

I did not like going with them when Mitch was not there. They ganged up on ye. I went up for Podgie and his maw came to the door. Oh Derek is out playing.

So he was out and had not come up for me. That was what that meant. I went up for him but he did not come up for me. So if he was out with Gary. But they never came up for me.

Then I thought about pals. Who brought ye into their house and who did not? And who brought people into their house but no you? Because that was Gary, he took Podgie in but no me. How come?

Podgie did not take anybody in. His maw did not let him. Maybe it was his wee sister, if they did not want ye seeing her.

But another time Podgie came home with me after school he just came in my house. He knew my maw was not home till five so he just put his foot in and came in.

But I did not want him in my room because with Matt's stuff, what if he looked in it or knocked stuff? I wanted just to go out but he wanted to stay in. He said stuff in yer house. I did not like it. If it was outside it was okay but no if it was inside. Hoh Smiddy imagine ye had a sister? What if ye did and she was's**y? Oh if ye were seeing her and she was n**e. I thought if he wanted to w**k but I would not have let him.

I did not like him saying stuff. I did not have a sister. But what if I did and she was's**y? Podgie would just want to see her. That was what he was meaning. If he was there, he would ask all personal stuff about her underwear clothes and what, did she leave her stuff lying, if it was her k*****rs on the floor or if I ever saw her with no many clothes on, n**e or what, if ever she was n**e and whatever she was doing or having a bath, if she just walked about the house in her bare feet and if she was wearing a b*a, some lasses did, just her b*a and p****es, if ye saw her t*ts and bare b*m, so if ye got a's****y seeing her, even if she was yer sister so what if she was's**y? Gary McNab telled me. Oh he watches his wee sister getting her clothes off and has a w**k. Gary said that to me, if Podgie done that, that was just terrible, if it was yer sister, a wee sister. Podgie was just a rotter and a bully except only Gary, Gary could say stuff about people. He done it against me and Mitch, Oh they just go for w**ks, they go down the field to do it. That was what Gary said. I did not care. So if I got a riddy. Oh Smiddy has got a riddy. People said that, Oh if ye get a riddy it means ye done it.

I did not like Podgie saying stuff in my house. He done it in front of people too but that was just to get ye. But if it was just you and he done it. I did not like that and it was in the kitchenette and ye were just thinking, Oh that is where my maw sits. He was sitting in the same seat and saying's**y stuff, but in yer house it was just dirty. I hated him doing it. My maw went here making the tea and doing the washing and all what she done.

He said it to other ones that had sisters, Primary 5S and 6S. Oh I would's**g your sister. He said that to people. Oh your sister has got a big f***y. Oh can I f**l yer sister's t*ts. If I had a sister and he said it to me, if ever he even tried it, even just tried it. I would not have let him if it was mine. If ever he said's**y stuff about her. I would not let him. He done it the worst to wee Rab McKerrow. Then it was Bobby Millar. But he did not do it so much to Bobby because he was in Second Year at Secondary School but it was just how his wee sister was Sandra Millar. People said all stuff about her and got a f**l. She let boys do it. Other boys than us. Bigger. People said, Oh she is a r**e. But she was not a r**e, but she gave people f**ls.

Gary McNab telled us. Boys out Secondary School went with her to the back close where she stayed. She let them get a f**l. Bobby was her big brother but he was not a good fighter and not good at stuff. He shouted at Sandra but she shouted back at him. She was in 1st year so a year above me. People came to the close when their maw and da was at work. They just shouted up the close to her. Is Sandra coming out? Sandra! Ye coming out!

They were the same age as Bobby else older. He hated her for doing it. She hated him back. She just went out. People said if she would go with them. But she did. But at first she did not. Oh get away get away. That was what she said but they were going, Oh please Sandra please, oh just for a wee minute, oh please Sandra.

So then she let them do it. She said they all were a bunch of dirty bees but she let them, she just let them do it. She went round the back close with them so they were going to f**l her. They were just going to do it. Ye saw her taking them and she was going to let them. We went to watch. Two of them were on lookout at the back close, and they saw us. They were Second Years, same as Gary's big brother. We played football with them. At football it was okay if we were there but here, if we went over. Well, we would not go over. But if we did? We never would. They just were watching us. We did not see her, she was just up the steps but boys came out the close.

It was only some she let do it. No if ye were younger. Ones that done it just laughed and then if ye were playing football. Oh did ye get a f**l off clatty Sandra? Oh her f***y is f*****g minging, it is minging, it is smelly as f**k. That was what they said. Everybody was laughing. Oh did clatty Sandra give ye a w**k? Boys said that. But she did not, you got a f**l off her but she did not touch you.

Oh please Sandra please, oh just for a wee minute. And then she was letting them. Papes too. Gary said it. He knew ones that did, they went up for Sandra too.

Papes. Imagine that. Sandra let Papes do it. I did not think she would have let that happen. How come? It was no fair. If Papes had their own lasses, they should just have got them. How come they did not? How come they went with her? She should not have let them. She should not have let them. The Papes all would be laughing and she just let them. They should have got their own lasses and no laughing at ours. They all would be laughing. I did not like that. Papes should have their own lasses.

Gary looked when I said it.

Sandra is a Proddy, she should not be letting them. They will just laugh at her.

Podgie laughed at me saying it.

No but Podgie, I said, They should have their own lasses, they should not be laughing at ours. I do not like it if they are laughing. I do not think it is right that they are.

No. I do not either, f*****g Pape b*****ds.

Fenian c**ts, said Gary That is all they are. Tam Fairley and his pal, I saw them going.

Fairley is a cheeky big b*****d, said Podgie.

He is big-headed at football, I said, he thinks he is the best player.

He is a good dribbler, said a Primary 6, but he is too slow.

Gary said, If she lets Papes do it and no f*****g us, that is not fair either. And then they are just laughing at her, Papes.

Just because they go to Secondary School, said the Primary 6.

It has to be f*****g Secondary, said Podgie. He did not look at the Primary 6. Podgie let Primary 6S come with us but we did not talk much to them.

Oh she is a just a complete r**e, said Podgie, that is all she is, she is a f*****g p**p.

Gary said, Oh but imagine ye got the f*****g pox and yer t****r fell off!

Everybody laughed. But it was stupid. But what if it was not? It was a joke a boy telled when we were playing football. It was about a prostitute and how she was like a film star and was just beautiful. Then the soldier went with her and what happened he got the pox and his p***k fell off.

But it was funny how he telled it, just daft. But it came into my head when Gary said it, just if it did happen, and it was you, if ye were just doing it, and then something else and after it it just fell off, so it was just, it just fell off. Ye tried to imagine it. I could not. If ye needed a pee what would happen? It would come out yer belly button or something. Ye could not imagine it. Ye would have to pee out yer belly button, I said.

Oh would ye f**k. It would just be like a f***y, said Podgie. He pointed at me. Belly button! Gary laughed and so did the Primary 6.

What are you laughing at? I said.

Oh it is just thinking about it.

You have no even got a t****r, said Podgie.

Oh but imagine it was Sandra, said Gary, she is just clatty.

Aye but you telled us ye would go with her, I said.

So did you you c**t.

No I did not.

Oh you f*****g liar Smiddy ye did so.

I did not.

Podgie laughed. I bet ye f*****g would p**p her!

No I would not.

She is a f*****g cow, said Gary.

Well she would not take you, I said.

She would not take you either.

Maybe she would.

Well away and f*****g ask her.

No.

I dare ye, said Podgie. Oh do it!

You do it.

Are ye feared?

Gary said, Oh Smiddy, maybe if ye asked her she would.

Go and f*****g try it, said Podgie.

No.

Oh but I am daring ye! Ye have got to. Just if we can get a f**l, go and ask her.

Oh Podge, no, I am not going to.

Gary laughed. Oh Smiddy what would ye say if ye did? Just if ye did.

I am no going to.

But just if ye did.

No.

We are not asking ye to go, just if ye did, what would ye say?

Podgie was laughing now. I said to him, What would you?

It is f*****g you Smiddy it is no me. Come on, just say it!

Just what they say, oh please Sandra please.

Gary laughed and pointed at me. Oh please Sandra please!

Podgie laughed too. A big f*****g riddy! Look! He has got a big f*****g riddy. Oh please Sandra please!

But that is what they say.

No they do not.

Aye they do.

They f*****g do not.

Aye they do, I heard them.

No ye did not you c**t! Podgie and them were laughing at me. Two Primary 6 S were there. Podgie let them. They stayed near him and Gary. One of them had a sister and telled Podgie about her, Oh she comes out her bath and just with a towel.

Imagine that if it was yer sister. I did not mind Primary 6S coming but if they were there and laughing at ye. I would have battered their head in. They were all laughing. That was Podgie. But I knew about it with Sandra Millar and he did not, only what Gary said. Gary thought it was just him knew but I knew too. I did really People f**t her t*ts and her legs too. If it was her f***y, maybe it was. Ye were to sit on the step and she stood beside ye and that was it, so ye done it then, that was what she done, and she stood beside ye and ye were just sitting on the step, so that was when, ye just done it, so if ye put yer hand up and she just let ye so ye just did it and I knew what it was.

Oh but if it was yer sister. Sandra's brother Bobby did not come out much, just stayed in his house and done model-kits. Mitch did not like him doing it because he done them too, but no so many as Bobby. Ye could see his from the pavement outside if it was nighttime and his light was on. He had them hanging from the ceiling, wee airoplanes. If he came out to play it would be fights all the time. Ye could not laugh if it was yer sister they were talking about and Podgie there. Ye would have to fight him else ye were a's***ebag cause ye would be the worst coward. So if the big ones were feeling her f***y and touching her t*ts.

Podgie could sink ye with one punch. I would not care. If it was a bottle, I would batter him with it because if it was yer sister ye were no going to let that happen. I would not be feared of him. If he was bigger than me. So what. How because they were big so they could beat ye, so what, I was no feared of him. Maybe I was, so if I was, ye just had to move fast. My granda showed me that and to get them off balance, ye stand square and go to the side to shove him and shoving his left arm and he would fall down. Because if yer man is heavy and ye get them off balance they fall to the ground and it is all that weight they carry. And ye just had to boot them. And it was no dirty fighting, it just had to be else they would get ye. Uncle Billy said that. Then if they got ye down, tough luck.

In the old place a fat boy was there and we all were in the park. He was no scared of any best fighters. Me and him were wrestling and we were having to do something and he had on his vest and big fat legs. Older ones laughed at him, Oh fatso, wee Smiddy will beat ye!

Out the wee ones I was a best fighter. But he just was looking at me. But he knew I was a best fighter. So then we were wrestling and he was on the floor and I got on top of him but he threw me over and sat on top of me. I could not breathe. His big b*m was on top of me and his knees on me too. I could not move even a wee bit. He looked down at me, and a big red face. Do ye give in!

No.

Do ye give in?

No.

I would not give in. I tried to throw him off but I could not, he was too heavy, and his knees squashing down on my arms, just sore. My granda said about big heavy ones and ye just watched for balance and were square on with yer feet but side to side to get him and if he came in ye grabbed his arm and pulled him through and down he went because with his big weight, so that was him. For Uncle Billy it was just boot into him. But no my granda. Oh son you are a defender. If somebody comes at you ye just defend yerself. But do not talk about booting into boys else that is the dirtiest fighting. But if it was Podgie and ye were fighting him, ye would have to else he would have gave ye a real doing.

***

I did not like Sandra's face much but it came into yer mind if ye were near her close and looking up at her window or else her brother Bobby was there and he was looking down at ye. He did not like ye there. And ye were thinking it, if she was there on the step and if ye were beside her. Then if ye saw her coming home from school, she did not look at ye. I did not look at her.

Oh but Lyndsey Farrel, she was Sandra's pal. People wanted a f**l off her too but she did not let them. I was down at the shops and saw her. She was looking at me. I thought she was. Another boy was there and we were smoking a fag. She had black hair coming down both sides of her eyes, and her skirt and her legs just like the way she walked and then how she turned round and just how her skirt stuck out, and just swinging. Some lasses' skirts just done that and it looked good just how it went, I thought it was good.

A lot of people fancied Lyndsey Farrel. She came past and they all watched her and if they shouted else whistled. Podgie and Gary done it and said about her because she went with Sandra Millar. So she was a r**e, or a boy p****d her. Oh he p****d the a**e off her. Oh she is just a pure p**p. She is worse than Sandra Millar. I did not like them saying about her. Oh Smiddy fancies wee Lyndsey. Oh Smiddy's got a f*****g beamer.

Other boys were there and they still were saying it. They were not real pals. If they were, real pals would not do that. Oh f*****g b*****ds, I said it in my head.

Gary just laughed at ye too. But take away Podgie. If Podgie was not there. So then Gary would be different. It was Podgie. It was just him. He was just like the worst bully. I thought that about him. I would never ever take him in my house again, never ever. Never. Just never at all.

So if ye were fighting him. I thought about it. If I could. It was not like granda and ye were boxing. For Podgie ye went and got something so ye could hit him. So if it was a brick. Ye just got something. Uncle Billy said that. Podgie was just a dirty fighter. He done stuff to people. Then if he picked on ye. He done it to me. If ever he did it again I was going to get him. He tried to make a fool of ye. I hated him doing it. He could not make a fool of me. He did not know stuff and just thought he did. If he thought I could not get him, I could.

If it was the old place I would have. Ye done things there, he did not know. Oh and if it was boys younger than me and he still said stuff, if it was Primary 6 S and they were there. So they could say it as well, if they thought that. If I was just stupid. Oh Smiddy cannot fight. Maybe they thought that. If they were going to laugh at me. They would never laugh at me. So if Podgie wanted to get me, I would get him. I would do it. Even it was a hammer. My granda had one and I used to look at it when I was wee. It had a round bit at one end and the hammer bit at the other. It was a beauty. It was just old and was not dirty at the iron bit, just all shiny where granda used it to bash stuff. I thought that about the hammer, it was like an old man, one that was a smashing old fighter. Ye could not imagine anybody ever beating granda's hammer and just how the iron bit fitted the wood and was shaped there with holes in it so the wood came through. It was better than all the workies' ones. It was all just smooth and how it fitted in, and its smell was just something like oily stuff. The handle went thicker in the middle and ye carried it straight up or else straight down but if it was straight down ye had to watch if it hit yer knee, tough luck how sore it was, it just was a thud and it pinged in yer knee and ye could not walk. I done it when I was wee. Granda had a hatchet too. It was for firewood, ye just split the wood, ye tapped in the blade then battered it. He showed Matt how to do it. He said I was not to until I got bigger.

I did not know if he still had the hatchet. I asked my Uncle Billy. He was up in grannie's house. I did not know he was there. He was playing with the cats. Even the one that did not like playing. It came to Uncle Billy. Oh look at that, the wee traitor. Granda used to say it but just smiling, seeing Uncle Billy petting its head.

He was doing that just now and laughing about stuff. He was taking me to see granda. Grannie and my Auntie May were away up already but we were waiting for Matt.

Uncle Billy made jokes if ye said something daft. But sometimes it was not funny and ye wanted him to hear ye. It was different to a joke what ye were saying, it was no for laughing, ye just wanted him to listen to ye. He done it when I was wee, he tickled ye to make ye laugh. But ye were wanting to tell him stuff. If people done something to ye and were hitting ye and going to get ye and just batter ye, he did not listen, just tickled ye worse and it made ye angry, I got angry. Uncle Billy Uncle Billy. I shouted at him. But he tickled ye more and more till then ye were laughing too, ye could not stop it. But I did not like him doing it and if I kicked him hard then he put me down. Oh you wee buggar ye.

But he just laughed at ye again. Oh Kierie boy, I am a wee brother same as you.

Oh but you just have big sisters, if it was a big brother that just hits ye all the time.

Aye but who is my big sisters?

My maw and my Auntie May.

That is what I am saying, a pair of warriors. Imagine them as big sisters! Dear oh dear oh dear.

But it still was not so bad as brothers, I knew it was not.

And it all was different now from when he was wee. It was. He did not think so but I telled him all what was happening out in the scheme. It was not the same as the old place, and fighting too, it was all different. Some had knives, and it was blades, ye just called it blades. Oh he carries a blade. People said it. They hid them in their socks else down their trousers if the cops came or just if other gangs were there. So if they came to get ye ye just took it out and ye stabbed them. Mitch had one and it was planked in his room and I could get it off him if somebody was after me.

Oh Kierie hold it hold it hold it.

Oh but Uncle Billy I am just saying if they are after me and if they have got a blade to stab me. Some do it and then if they do and ye just have yer own one and ye take it out.

Hold it. I shall tell you something Kierie, never you carry a blade. That is one thing never to do. If ye do that ye are in trouble.

Aye but.

Listen to me now. What if the guy takes it off ye?

Oh but he would not.

Aye but what if he did?

I would not let him.

But what if he just takes it? Some fellows take out a blade but do not know what to do with it or if they are feared to use it. So then the one they are fighting just grabs it out their hand and stabs ye with it. See because he is not feared to use it. Telling you son that is what happens in this life, ye take a knife to a bad b*****d that is out to get ye and he takes it off ye and stabs ye. So what if it kills ye? It is your knife, that is the one that has done it. So that is you, dead by yer own hand. How would ye like that? That is what happens. Never ever carry a blade.

But what if they have one for you?

Well ye take it off them.

But what if ye cannot?

Ye just hit them with something.

But what if ye cannot get to them?

Oh well ye just run for C****t sake. Kierie boy, ye used to be a fast runner. Can ye no run fast any more?

Oh but Uncle Billy.

G*d almighty son do not let yer mother hear ye talking like that. Blades and what have ye, that is just trouble. Do not ever carry a blade.

Uncle Billy stopped talking, he had a paper and started reading it. He was angry. I saw that he was, he did not like about knives but if people had them. He did not think they did but they did. It was different from when he was young.

After that Matt came. Uncle Billy said bye bye to the cats and took us to see granda. He got us chips out the chip shop and we ate them going along the road. He did not get his own ones but just took some off us. He smoked when he was eating them, he smoked a lot, and was saying about granda, if we went to see him a lot of times or what.

Oh quite a lot, said Matt.

Matt was good at talking. Uncle Billy liked him. People liked Matt. I did too, a lot of times, if he was yer brother, ye just liked him. My maw liked Uncle Billy. So did Auntie May. They laughed at jokes and had fun and the same with granda, they talked to him. I liked it when they did. Oh dad do ye remember when ye took us to Glen-nifer Braes and we went through the puddle?

My grannie was laughing too. She had a funny laugh and with a hankie covering her mouth. She did not want ye to hear her. She kept her mouth closed. And she did not kiss ye. You could kiss her but she never kissed you, she put her cheek to ye. Oh do not kiss my lips, you should not kiss a child's lips. Just kiss me on the cheek son.

Her skin was the softest. People's skin was soft but hers was the softest. Auntie May laughed at her. But my maw did not, but she smiled. My maw did not talk much about their old days, it was just Auntie May and Uncle Billy. But my maw liked when they did, so did my grannie. Sometimes my maw looked as if she should give them a row, Oh that was mischief, we were just scallywags, we should not have done it.

Listen to her, said my Auntie May. Oh Cath.

Auntie May held granda's hand and so did Uncle Billy. But my maw and my grannie did not but just looked. I did not see granda smiling, it was just the breathing all the time ye just heard it and always heard it. People just looked, just looked at one another and that was what they were hearing. Poor granda. Ye just thought that, it was just a horrible shame. Oh he cannot get a breath, said my grannie.

It was his lungs too, no just the growth. Uncle Billy said it. They were just closing up. So if it was skinny lungs there was not much space left for the air to go through. So he was wheeching. Wheeech wheeech. Uncle Billy said, Wheeech.

I did not think it sounded wheeech. It was Hohhhh hohhhh, hohhh hohhh.

Granda done daft things when they were wee and it made them all laugh. My da did not. If they were all talking he just looked and with a wee smile but he did not speak much. It was not his family. I felt sorry for him. But he had his through on the east coast. But he did not see them much. They were mine too. If ye were the boy ye had the two families but yer father only had one. No he did not, he had two as well, it was just another family, it was his father's family, so that was my grandfather, my other one from granda, he died before I was born. He was the Smith. So we were Smiths after him. It was all the Smiths, just all the fathers.

I liked it if granda's old pals were there. One was Shuggy Baird. He came in and my grannie said it, Oh it is Shuggy, and she went away and gave him a big cuddle. My granda was no big and Shuggy was weer but ye saw how his arms were thick. If he punched ye ye would feel it. Uncle Billy said, Oh that is Shug Baird, he is a hard man on the Clyde. That is nice of him coming to see dad.

A nurse came in beside us, Oh there is too many round the bed, you will need to go away some of you.

Uncle Billy took me and Matt out to the waiting room and outside the corridor so he could smoke a fag.

***

Matt did not watch television much. He stayed in the bedroom reading books and swotting or with his radio listening to music. Just if it was football and sport, so then he came through. It was amateur internationals. My maw was there. She did not look except maybe her head would come up, Ohhhh, if one of the boxers got a right tanking. She read a magazine and was knitting. She did not like boxing but it was amateurs so she quite liked it. Oh your grandfather would love this!

Then it was a darkie fighting against a white man. Just with my da there it was a worry, he got angry at stuff. Sometimes ye went out the room but boxing was good. I kept my head down. I was sitting on the floor. My maw's needles clacked the gether, that was all ye heard. Then came an argument and ye did not know to be glad or sad because it was Matt and my da, my belly just, ohhh and my throat funny. I kidded on I was not listening. My da was saying about darkies and Matt did not like it and ye heard his voice, it was cheeky. Oh but dad, he said, what if the white man gave the Sign of the Cross?

He did not, said my da.

Well but if he is an RC, what if he is? Some do not make the Sign.

No if they are playing at Ibrox they do not. They know better. It would be b****y pandemonium.

But what if he is one?

What are you b****y talking about, said my da, keeping his voice low as if he was not angry. But he was angry. And swearing. My maw hated it. She would not let me and Matt say bad words either. Out the house I said them if I wanted. I did not used to but now I did. I just did. But not swear words. I tried it sometimes but it did not sound good.

My da did not like Matt talking like this, not with me and my maw there. Ye were not to say stuff back to him because he was the father. He was not allowed to when he was a boy and we should not either. Matt said to him, I am just saying what if the white man is a Catholic? What if it is him and a darkie fighting together?

My da's knees came up under him, so he was sitting on his feet. That was a way he sat. His fags were on top of the boiler cupboard at the side of the fire. He reached for the packet and the matches.

Who would you want to win? said Matt. His voice was rushing and jittery and he did not look at my da.

My maw said, Do not be cheeky to your father.

I am not being cheeky, I am just saying.

My da had a fag out the packet now and got it lighted. He stared at the match burning then blew out the flame. He turned to look at Matt. What do you know you do not know nothing. Once ye have been out and seen a bit of the world then ye can talk.

I am just saying.

Oh ye are just saying. Ye are always just saying. Why do you not keep yer trap shut?

Oh John!

My da just blew out loud and then lit his fag.

Oh you are too noisy, said my maw. Both of you.

But Matt said to my da, Would ye want somebody to win?

Pardon? My da stared over at him.

Who would ye want to win?

My maw laid her knitting down. You are just too noisy. The pair of you are.

That was the way my maw done it. But they were not too noisy they were just saying it in low voices. She went back to the knitting.

My maw hated it if people argued and if it was Matt and my da that was the worst. But my da did not bother with what she said and was looking at Matt. Now Matt looked at him. My da said, So what are ye saying? What are ye saying?

Nothing.

Oh, nothing! My da kept looking at him.

Matt said, Do you want it to be a draw so they both lose?

I beg yer pardon? What did you say?

Matt did not talk. It was cheeky what he had said. He had a red face. My da took a long draw on his fag and blew the smoke out slow. I am asking what you said.

It was just a question.

Oh it was just a question.

My maw's face was red too. She had her head bent to the knitting. I could see her eyes from where I was sitting. She said to me, Oh Kieron, who is the teams boxing?

Wales and England.

Yes, said Matt to my da, I did not know you wanted the English before the Welsh.

I do not care.

Oh. Matt sounded like it was a joke.

That is right, said my da. He was very very angry He did not smoke his fag, just held it in his fingers then saw on top of the boiler cupboard, maybe for his ashtray. His teacup was there but he did not lift it.

My da never took the English before the Welsh and Ulster. Only if it was Ireland. Ireland was the worst of all. He said that, I would rather have the Gerries before them. Oh the Irish, they get everything, just everything. But in the boxing here the wee darkie was in the Wales corner. My da said, Oh he is not Welsh, he is a darkie. You do not get darkies that are Welsh, that is just a joke. And he said about the English boxer, Oh I like him, he is a tough wee boy.

My brother said, Oh but dad what if he is a Catholic?

He is not a Catholic.

Yes but what if he is?

Shut yer d**n mouth.

What if the darkie is one too?

Pardon?

What if he is?

What ye b****y blethering about?

I am only saying what if he is?

Matt's voice sounded funny and was more jittery. What was he going to do? Ye did not know. I wanted to see his face but I kept my head down and did not because my da, if he saw me listening. He would hate me listening. But just his voice, it was just so so angry. It was not the same for me. He just looked at me and shaked his head. Now a thought came to me about Matt, and just if he gret, what if he gret? I had not seen him greeting. When was it last? I could not think of it. He said to my da, There is a coloured boy in my class.

Ye telled me before, said my da.

Yes, well he is, and he is a Catholic.

Oh ha ha.

He is.

Ha ha.

I am telling ye dad he is a Catholic.

So what do ye want me to do?

Nothing.

So what ye telling me for?

Just telling ye.

Ye have a good b****y cheek in ye son that is what I will tell you.

I am just talking.

Oh aye ye are just talking, ye do enough of that.

Oh please stop this fighting, said my maw.

My da looked across to her.

Just stop it, please.

Well, I do not know what he is talking about. He took his feet down off the chair and sat back with his paper and opened another page. The boxing match was still on but he kept reading the paper and was not interested to watch. Matt too, he waited a wee minute then got up and went out the room.

Usually in our house ye said goodnight if ye were going to bed. If ye did not ye were in a huff or it was fighting. That was it with Matt. After he left the room there was no speaking. I did not like sitting there as if it was us three against him. Sometimes he spoke to my da and it was snobby, he just sounded snobby, and my da did not like it. He did not say aye and ye and telled and my da did. Matt did it to get ye. He got in with my maw by doing it and my da did not like it. My maw just liked Matt for talking nice. Me too, if I did it.

Matt was in the bedroom so I could not go there and it was raining out the living-room window so not to the balcony either, it would be raining there too. I went to see if it was. In some countries ye got that, it was raining on one side of the road and ye could just cross over to the other pavement and ye were okay. But here if it was raining it was everywhere, just all the time. Maybe I could go to the bathroom. But if people wanted the toilet ye needed to let them in. So I just stayed and saw the boxing till my da said, Right Kieron. So bedtime. It was only quarter to ten so too soon but it was bedtime he was meaning so I had to go.

It was because of granda in hospital. My maw was sad about it and us too. I was in bed and said it to Matt but he did not speak back.

***

I went to my grannie's by myself. I was glad. I liked it better. I got off the train and down to the river and just which way I wanted. The ferry was no in so I walked and ran along to the carferry. I just wanted to. It was a long long walk and all big lorries went on the road. The carferry took ye across and ye came out by the dumps. People were there and I did not go in, in case it was gangs.

Then ye were at my old park. If ye went the other way ye came to the hospital. I looked for old pals but never saw any, just wee boys fishing round the pond. Ye had to watch it for other ones. They did not know ye and thought ye were a stranger. I went to where ye got a game of football but nobody was there. So into the library. It was the same except a different woman. I was looking at the books. It was great seeing all them after the mobile. But I did not have my ticket and could not get any out. I read them at a table.

And then my grannie, I forgot. I asked the time and it was late. I rushed out and away up the street and up the stair and flapped the letterbox. But nobody. It was dark when I looked through. They were away to the hospital. I did not know what to do but then just I would go myself. Grannie and them would be there. Maybe I would beat them if I ran fast, if they were just walking. They would not go on the bus. I walked and ran. My grannie would not be angry. Oh but Auntie May, she just looked at ye and ye knew it was wrong, ye had just done something. And I had, it was my own fault.

I knew where to go in the hospital and ran along the path. No many people were there. Usually there were. Grannie and Auntie May visited all the time. They were feared for granda. They thought if he passed away. I knew it was that. People all were sad and just quiet all the time.

Oh but I was late. They waited for me and I did not come. Because I went on the ferry then in the park and the library. I had money for the subway but just spent it and frittered my time. That was what I done. The teacher checked me for it. Oh Kieron is a careless boy and just fritters his time. She said it to my maw, Oh if he just did his work, he is bright except he fritters. Oh you are a bright boy. My maw telled my da.

Oh but grannie would not mind. If I done stuff she just looked but not giving me a row. But coming late, if something happened to granda. Oh he had passed away. I was late to come and so it happened. I was doing stuff. I did not come and he went. I did not think about him. Just other stuff and all nonsense, Oh his head is full of nonsense, he is just a careless boy, if he just stopped his nonsense. I should not have done it, I just done it and was a stupid, stupid rotter.

My Auntie May was beside the outside door, smoking a fag. She waved to me. Oh Kieron, come here. She gave me a cuddle and said, Did ye go up to the house? Oh we had to leave early Yer grannie was saying ye were coming. Did Mrs Duncan tell ye? She was looking out for ye.

Oh I did not see her, I just ran up the stair.

Grannie says to her to tell ye. Sorry about that son we just came away fast. Auntie May took a draw of her fag and looked up at the sky. It was white clouds, white clouds. Yer mummy is in with Billy and yer da. Away in. Give me a kiss first, she said.

I did it and she said, Oh but now a real kiss.

So I gave another one. Oh when did ye last wash yer face? she said.

I did not know. But it was just for fun, she was laughing at me. She done it to Matt, now she was doing it to me. She had not done it much. Oh are you shaving yet?

I went along the corridor to the door into the ward. Matt was there with my da. My da waved. I went round behind. Nurses were at the desk and no looking at us. Uncle Billy came out and my da was talking to him. My da came now and put his hand on my shoulder. Go and see yer granda. He said to Uncle Billy, He will regret it if he does not. Oh Matt, you go in with Kieron.

Yes dad.

It was curtains round the bed and I was glad Matt was there. My maw just was looking at me, holding my grannie's hand. I stood down from granda's feet in the bed. His eyes opened a wee bit. I thought they did and he was smiling. Maybe he was. I was smiling at him. I knew about what it was, how come I was to see him, and my da telled me. If he was going to die, that was how, he was going to pass away That was what it was. That was them telling ye, that was the grown-ups, they did not say it but that was it and poor granda, I just felt that, poor granda, it was just a shame for him and the grown-ups did not tell ye. Poor granda. What if he did not know? I would just tell him. Ye saw the bumps in the bed where his feet were. He would pass away so ye would never see him again. He would go to Heaven because he was good. Ye went except if ye were evil.

If ye believed it. People did not. All white clothes and high voices singing and just smiling all the time. What about? How come everybody all was smiling? Matt said it to my maw. I heard but he did not know. My da was not there. Oh it was all stupid and just white garments, people all just wearing them. How come? And all just looking and, Oh oh, oh oh.

Matt was laughing but my maw said, Oh yes well maybe you will go to Hell for saying it.

Maybe I will, Matt said. Maybe I will. And it was Hell, he might go to Hell and he did not care. Oh my maw was not angry. But maybe she was. Oh but she just looked at him. Yes well Matthew maybe you will, maybe you will.

Oh I am very scared.

It is nothing to be sarcastic about, if it is people's beliefs.

I was sitting at the side of the settee and could not see his face, if he was laughing. His voice sounded it. But if it was to God. Ye could not be sarcastic to God because it was no fair if ye did. I did not like Matt saying about God, no about God. It was not fair, if God could not say nothing to him. He could not. God was fair, and a fair fighter. He would not be a bully or one that booted into ye when ye were down on the ground.

But He would give ye a good go. But He would always beat ye, He just won all His fights. If it was the Devil. That was the only one that could fight God but he always got beat. Was he God's brother and got cast out? Maybe he was. So then he was the wee brother but maybe he was Jesus's brother. He just stayed in the shadows and was not a fair fighter. He lurked below and took advantage. If it was a blade, would he carry one? But God would not, unless for self defence. Then He would.

Matt laughed but I hope it was not to God. If he was just laughing, and it was at God. It was not fair because God would not do anything to him. He could just say it, because God would not get angry and would just see ye and just wish ye would do it better and just be a better boy.

If ye could be one. Ye wished ye could. I wished it. Ye just could not. Except if God helped ye. People said He would oh if only ye ask, just pray and if ye ask it. Oh God help me.

I prayed that. I did not always but a lot of times I did. A lot of times I did not pray at all, ye were just asleep. Now I lay me down to sleep, and ye were, and ye did not wake up and ye just forgot, and then the next night ye thought about it, Oh did I say my prayers last night? Oh I forgot and then if ye said them twice. I done that and changed it for the second one. God bless my father and my mother and my brother and everybody and then I put on somebody like a teacher or a neighbour. One time I thought of doing Pat's grannie, just trying it, how it was if it was a RC, imagine ye prayed for a RC? But if it was just somebody's grannie. I did that.

God did not get angry at ye. But He could if He wanted. He could get ye. He could get Matt if He wanted. He just did not. Just because He did not. Because He did not want to. God was God. He was kind. People said He was not, how it was all diseases and babies dying and then if somebody was murdered, how come He let that happen and the cops did not catch the one that done it?

God is kind.

What did ye say? Hoh Kieron, are you awake? Kieron, are you awake?

Yes.

I thought ye were away to sleep?

I am just no talking.

Ye forgot to say yer prayers.

No I have not, I am going to.

I thought ye had stopped saying them. I do not hear ye saying them. Eh Kieron?

I just say them quiet, I just whisper.

Ye can say them into yerself. Ye can. Ye can if ye want. Why do ye not?

Because.

Then he was saying Because what? But I did not say anything back. Sometimes I did not like talking to Matt. No about prayers and stuff. He acted it. So he knew everything. Because he was older than me. I did not think he knew everything. He did not say his prayers. He stopped a while ago. But he said he said them. It was just into himself Oh but I did not believe him. I said it into myself but it did not work. And what if God does not hear ye?

Oh but He hears everything. People said that but I did not think so. Not everything. Not rubbish stuff. Oh Kieron is going to the ice-cream van or down the shops for his maw. God does not know that. Oh he is away down the street to play heidies. God does not know that.

I said prayers into myself but it was just not good. God would not know. He could not hear everything in the world. If it was inside yer head, He could not hear it. Because if ye were not speaking it, just thinking it, then if ye were not and it was just there.

How could He hear things in yer head if they were just there and ye were not thinking them? Maybe He did but maybe He did not, maybe He did not.

So if He knew everything. Maybe He did not want to. If it was bad stuff and ye done it, if ye done bad stuff. Well that was up to Him. If He did He did. If it was God, God was God. If ye believed in Him. I did. Some people did not. They did not believe in Him. It was not fair. He could not fight back. God could not. If people said stuff about Him. Oh well say it to His face and do not just be a coward. Matt was a coward. Maybe he was. It was not fair. Ye could imagine God if He just done something if He was angry but He was not angry. Oh if He is wrathful. But God was not wrathful. God was kind and did not think all bad things about ye and if ye done bad stuff, He did not listen to it all or see it all if it was just wee things and just rubbish stuff.

Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

If I should die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take.

God bless everybody and make me a good boy.

For Jesus sake, Amen.

I did not care about Matt. He could hear me. I could say my prayers. I did not care about him. He knew I did not swear. I did not say any swear words. And what was rude words, I did not say them. I just did not. That was me. And tried to speak good, I did. If they laughed at me. Gary did. Oh Kieron is posh. I did not care. I was not posh. If I was posh. I did not care. I did not care about any of them. I wanted to swear and just say things, anything too and I would have said it, even about my granda if about him I would have said it, anything just about him and even if I was greeting and I would say it because I felt that and my hair was crinkling on my head and I was greeting and it was just quiet but Matt heard me doing it because I stopped it and I heard him in his throat making that noise no to breathe so just to listen and it was me just to hear it, just about granda, if I was saying about him or just thinking, Matt knew it. I did not like it that he did, if he did. It was just all dark outside, ye could see it through the curtains.

***

I thought about my granda, how God took him and not old people ye saw even if it was a Grannie Petrie Smith and ones that were sick. Ye saw an old person and if they were at the train station or walking with a walking stick and they were very old, they were walking and my granda was not, he was just dead or what, passed onto the other side. Auntie May said that. Oh dad has passed onto the other side.

Oh it is just Fate, God wills it. Matt said it was not our fault, God willed it for granda. It was not fair but Fate gave him it. Fate deals a blow to ye. If God wills it. It will be done as it is in Heaven. So then it happens. The same with Kings and Queens in history, they had their Fate, and Princes and Princesses if they were rightful Heirs to the throne, and locked up in dungeons or turrets and then dying there, maybe if they went mad or starved to death, the poor little Prince and Princess, it was their Fate, even if they were on the rack, and getting put to death in the Tower of London, it was God willed it, so if it was Mary Queen of Scots and the English took her. The Queen of England wanted to get her and put her out the way because of her throne and if God willed it she was a Protestant and Mary Queen of Scots was not, she was a RC. And there was nothing ye could do, even if the people loved her it was just how the Queen's Army was all the Redcoats, she had the best ones and they would beat anybody in the world, the whole world, it was the English Army and the Navy, they had the best ones and if countries were wanting to fight them if it was Spain and trying to take our lands, if it was England and all our treasures, the Spanish were sending all their Navy to fight us and that was England and ye saw the Spaniards and they were all just high-faluting with their wee lace handkerchiefs, Ooohh oooohhh, that was how they spoke, anybody could beat them, and the men kept wee hankies up their sleeves for their noses and if they were fencing they had the sword in one hand and then the hankie in the other just if they were nancyboy poofs that was what it was like, if they thought they could just walk in and take over and just plunder, we would just show them. England would not bow to them and just never surrender, if anybody thought they would, never till the last drop of blood if it was just their Queen or the young Prince they would soon show them, just a wee country but an island nation, that was England, so ye got Sir Walter Raleigh and Sir Frances Drake then if it was Churchill and they were the best Navy England had the best Navy the world had ever seen. My da said it too, they could beat anybody and we were just there too if it was the kilties marching as to war because we had the pipes and just were the best fighters and helped them because if they helped us too. Maybe if it was grain and oats for eating if ye were having a famine with all the crops destroyed so the people had no food and all were starving to death so if the Queen and the Princes were trying to help ye. Oh if God will save our people, they have no potatos, and the ministers all praying to God Oh be merciful the Heavens forbid ohhh if we are all sinners, ohhh what have we done if it is Thy will, Thy will be done, of the power in Heaven, and all wee babies for their milk and nothing is there. Oh what will happen? And if ye survived ye were lucky, God willed it and His Hand was the guiding hand and it helped ye over troubled waters and all the raging seas. So if ye got the very worst disease that was you. Or if ye lived to a ripe old age. Other ones did not. Wee babies died in their cradles and if children got knocked down and killed and other ones got murdered, wee lasses, it was Fate.