Kleinzeit

Asymptotes

Kleinzeit, dreaming, looked back at A. So far away! Too far ever to get back to. He didn’t want to arrive at B too soon. Didn’t ever want to arrive at B, in fact. He tripped over something, saw that it was the bottom of B. So soon!

He woke up as the Flashpoint/fat man bed took on a new passenger. He was an old man hooked up to a system of tubes, pumps, filters and condensers so complex that the man seemed no more than some kind of junction fitting, secondary to the machinery in which he was only a link in the circulation of whatever was being drip-fed, pumped, filtered and condensed. Again a monitor. Very slow blips.

This time I’ll start right, thought Kleinzeit. I don’t want to lose another one. He waited until he was sure the old man’s machinery was running smoothly, then introduced himself. ‘How do you do,’ he said. ‘My name’s Kleinzeit.’

The old man moved his head a little. ‘Do,’ he said. ‘Schwarzgang.’

‘Nothing serious, I hope,’ said Kleinzeit.

‘Ontogeny,’ said Schwarzgang. ‘Never knows.’ He seemed too weak for complete sentences. Kleinzeit filled in the gaps.

‘One never does know,’ he agreed.

‘Hand … too soon,’ said Schwarzgang.

‘And on the other hand one may very well know all too soon,’ Kleinzeit agreed again. ‘Oh, yes, ha ha. You’re quite right there.’

‘Matter,’ said Schwarzgang.

‘Of course it’s no laughing matter,’ said Kleinzeit. ‘You mustn’t get me wrong. Sometimes one’s got to laugh, you know, or go mad.’

‘And,’ said Schwarzgang.

‘Laugh and go mad,’ said Kleinzeit. ‘Right again.’ He poured himself a glass of orange squash, picked up a morning paper, immersed himself in a photograph of Wanda Udders, 17, winner of the Miss Guernsey Contest. ‘“No matter how heavy the going might be,”’ Wanda was quoted as saying, ‘“I try never to lose my bounce. I’ve always known there were big things ahead of me.”’

Wonderful spirit, thought Kleinzeit. Stop hugging me, he said to the bed.

This moment is all we have, said the bed, all we can be certain of.

Don’t talk rot, said Kleinzeit. Leave me to my thoughts.

Today is the day, said the bed. Bach-Euclid results. It’s the waiting that’s so awful. They mustn’t take you away from me, it mustn’t end like this.

NUDIST PRIEST FROCKED, read Kleinzeit, and went on reading the whole story to jam the bed’s transmission. I’m no better off than that chap with the barrow full of rocks, he thought. I wrote him and there he was. Nothing behind him and rocks ahead. Wanda Udders has big things ahead but she’s seventeen. How long have I got? Maybe Dr Pink will be sick today, maybe he won’t show up. I could run away. No job. I’ve got the glockenspiel. I have to be brave, that’s part of it with her. There’s still time to run away.

‘Well, Mr Kleinzeit,’ said Dr Pink. ‘How are we this morning?’ He smiled down on Kleinzeit. Fleshky, Potluck, Krishna, the two nurses and the day sister all smiled too.

‘Very well, thank you,’ said Kleinzeit. All right, he thought, this is it. At least something definite. If he draws the curtains it’s bad news.

Dr Pink nodded to one of the nurses, who drew the curtains around the bed. ‘Let’s have your pyjama top off.’ said Dr Pink. ‘Lie on your stomach, please.’ He kneaded Kleinzeit’s diapason gendy. It lit up in brilliant colour, like a part being talked about in an educational animated film. Pain shot from it in all directions. ‘Feel that a little, eh?’ said Dr Pink. Fleshky, Potluck and Krishna took notes. The nurses and the day sister smiled impartially.

‘Sit up, please,’ said Dr Pink. He prodded Kleinzeit’s hypotenuse. Kleinzeit nearly fainted. ‘Sensitive,’ said Dr Pink. Fleshky, Potluck and Krishna took notes.

‘Had any trouble with your asymptotes before this?’ said Dr Pink.

‘Asymptotes,’ said Kleinzeit. ‘When did they come into it? I thought it was just the hypotenuse and the diapason. What about the Bach-Euclid Series?’

‘That’s why I’m asking,’ said Dr Pink. ‘I’m not worried about your diapason. That sort of dissonance is quite a common thing, and with any luck we’ll clear it up fairly soon. The hypotenuse of course is definitely skewed, but not enough to account for a 12 per cent polarity,’ Fleshky and Potluck nodded, Krishna shook his head. ‘On the other hand,’ Dr Pink continued, ‘the X-Rays indicate that your asymptotes may be going hyperbolic.’ He felt Kleinzeit here and there warily, as if sizing up a combatant hidden in him. ‘Not too happy with your pitch.’

‘My asymptotes,’ said Kleinzeit. ‘Hyperbolic.’

We don’t know an awful lot about the asymptotes,’ said Dr Pink. ‘They’ll certainly bear watching. A Shackleton-Planck Series wouldn’t be amiss, I think.’ Fleshky, Potluck and Krishna raised their eyebrows. ‘We’ll just put you on 2-Nup for the time being, damp the diapason a bit. We’ll know more in a few days.’

‘I seem to be getting in deeper,’ said Kleinzeit. ‘When I came here it was just the hypotenuse and the diapason. Now it’s the asymptotes as well.’

‘My dear boy,’ said Dr Pink, ‘these things aren’t up to us, you know. We have to take what comes and cope the best we can. At least you’re not showing any quanta so far, which is a bit of luck, I can tell you. Whether an asymptoctomy’s on the cards remains to be seen, but it’s nothing very much if it comes to that. We can have them out in no time at all, and you’ll be up and around in four or five days.’

‘But I was up and around before we started this whole thing,’ said Kleinzeit. ‘You said you were just going to run a few tests.’ He was alone, he realized. Everyone had left some time ago. The curtains had been pushed back.

‘Goes,’ said Schwarzgang from among his tubes, pumps, filters and condensers.

‘Yes,’ said Kleinzeit, ‘that is how it goes.’ He was suddenly worried about Schwarzgang. He hadn’t even noticed when Dr Pink had stopped at the old man’s bed, hadn’t heard a word said to or about him. ‘You all right?’ he said.

‘Be expected,’ said Schwarzgang. His blips seemed no slower than before and just as steady. All the machinery seemed to be working properly.

‘Good,’ said Kleinzeit. He checked all the connections of Schwarzgang’s machinery, made sure the monitor was plugged in firmly.

The day sister appeared again. ‘You’re to have three of these twice a day,’ she said.

‘Right,’ said Kleinzeit, swallowed his 2-Nup.

‘And stay in bed,’ said the sister. ‘No more excursions.’

‘Right,’ said Kleinzeit, took his clothes to the bathroom, put them on, and disappeared via the fire exit.