Kleinzeit

Zonk No

Morning, Kleinzeit’s first morning back in hospital. Blip blip blip blip, here he was. Black night outside, and here’s the morning tea trolley. Those who walk to the bathroom pee in the bathroom, those who pee in bottles pee in bottles, those whose specimens are collected make specimens for collection.

Nox drank his tea, cleared his throat. ‘That about the coffins,’ he said to Kleinzeit. ‘You mustn’t pay any attention to that catalogue or what I was saying.’

‘Why not?’ said Kleinzeit.

‘You’ve better things to think about.’

He must’ve heard me and Sister last night, thought Kleinzeit. ‘What do you mean?’ he said.

‘You walked out of here before,’ said Nox. ‘Maybe you’ll do it again. I hope you’ll do it again. Not all of us, you know … You take my meaning?’

‘Perfectly,’ said Kleinzeit. ‘But why do you care so much about me, you know, all of a sudden?’

‘One thinks at first that if one can’t make it oneself …’ said Nox. ‘But then thinking about it again one wants someone, you know, to … Surprising, really. I wouldn’t have thought it but there it is.’

‘Thank you,’ said Kleinzeit.

‘It’s nothing,’ said Nox.

‘No,’ said Kleinzeit. ‘It’s something.’ He raised himself on his elbows, looked past Piggle, Raj, McDougal. Schwarzgang, looking his way, made a thumbs-up sign. Kleinzeit thumbs-upped back. Redbeard, sitting up among his pulleys and counterweights, passed a note to Schwarzgang, who passed it down the line to Kleinzeit. White paper:

DON’T STAY HERE. GET OUT.

Kleinzeit got some foolscap from Nox, wrote back:

HOW CAN I GET OUT? I CAN’T EVEN TAKE A CRAP BY MYSELF. WHY DOES EVERYBODY CARE ABOUT ME ALL OF A SUDDEN?

Redbeard answered:

ONE OF US HAS GOT TO MAKE IT.

Kleinzeit wrote:

WHY DON’T YOU GET OUT? A SLIPPED FULCRUM’S NOTHING MUCH.

Redbeard wrote:

DON’T TALK ROT. I HAVEN’T GOT A CHANCE.

Kleinzeit had no answer, looked away from Redbeard, turned to Piggle. ‘You’ll be out soon, didn’t you say? About a week now?’

Piggle shook his head, looked ashamed. ‘It seems not,’ he said. ‘They tell me now that the imbrications have reified, and I’m scheduled for surgery.’

‘Anybody else due for discharge?’ said Kleinzeit.

Piggle shook his head again. ‘You’re not staying though, are you?’ he said.

‘What makes you think I’m special?’ said Kleinzeit. ‘Why should I get out?’

‘I don’t know,’ said Piggle. ‘You’re the one who got up and walked out before.’

The nurse came by with the medicine trolley. ‘Kleinzeit,’ she said, gave him five tablets in a paper cup. Kleinzeit recognized the three 2-Nups. ‘What’re the other two?’ he said.

‘Zonk,’ said the nurse. ‘For the pain.’

That’s right, thought Kleinzeit. I haven’t noticed any pain for a while. ‘Have I had this before?’ he said.

‘Big injection when you came in,’ said the nurse. ‘Tablets yesterday.’

‘Would it make me feel weak?’

‘It may do a little. We haven’t been using this very long. It’s new.’

‘Does it say Napalm Industries on the bottle?’ said Kleinzeit.

The nurse looked. ‘So it does,’ she said. ‘How’d you know?’

‘Just a guess,’ said Kleinzeit. ‘Cheers,’ he said, pretended to swallow the Zonk but didn’t. He put the tablets in his locker drawer, thought I can always take them if I need them. I said I was going to remember myself. Sounds lovely. How do I do it? Yoga maybe? I’ll ask Krishna next time I see him.

The bosom approached I, the undesigned. Cry now? said the bosom.

Not yet, said Kleinzeit.

‘Well?’ said the bosom lady. ‘Have you signed it yet, luv?’

‘No,’ said Kleinzeit. ‘I think I won’t.’

‘Please yourself,’ said the bosom lady. ‘That’s how it is with the National Health. If you had to pay for a lovely operation like that it’d come to a great deal of money and you’d appreciate it properly, but as it doesn’t cost anything you think oh well, what’s the odds. It’s nothing to me either way, but I should think Dr Bashan will have something to say.’ Don’t expect to cry on me, said the bosom as it turned round and bore off.

Krishna and Potluck were passing through the ward. ‘Dr Krishna,’ Kleinzeit called.

Krishna came over, young, beautiful, healthy like a tiger.

’I was wondering,’ said Kleinzeit, ‘whether you know anything about yoga?’

‘I think it’s a lot of Uncle Tom crap,’ said Krishna. ‘You take a big population and keep them down and they’ll sing spirituals or do yoga. You don’t see the Chinese doing yoga.’

‘They do acupuncture, don’t they?’ said Kleinzeit.

‘For foreigners they do,’ said Krishna. ‘For themselves I bet they call in a proper doctor.’

‘Listen,’ said Kleinzeit.

‘What?’ said Krishna.

‘Between ourselves,’ said Kleinzeit, ‘do you think surgery would be the best thing for me?’

‘Between ourselves,’ said Krishna, ‘when I’m a consultant with a Harley Street practice and a yacht I’ll answer that. Right now I have no opinion. I meant it when I wished you good luck but that’s about all I can say.’

‘Thanks anyhow,’ said Kleinzeit.

‘You’re welcome,’ said Krishna, and moved on.

Kleinzeit tried sitting up. No luck. Raising himself on his elbows was as far as he got. He opened and closed his hands. Weak.

Dr Bashan, sailing large, put the tiller down, shot up into the wind, smoothly picked up his mooring. What a tan and healthy ugly face! Such white teeth! ‘Well, old man,’ he said.

Kleinzeit, looking up as Dr Bashan smiled down, nodded. Why has he taken so much better care of himself than I’ve done? he wondered. He must have a better opinion of himself than I do of myself. ‘You probably remember your history too, don’t you,’ said Kleinzeit.

‘Bit patchy,’ said Dr Bashan.

‘Who won the Peloponnesian War? said Kleinzeit.

‘Sparta,’ said Dr Bashan. ‘When the Athenians lost their fleet near Aegospotami in 408 B.C. it pretty well finished them off.’

“Thanks,’ said Kleinzeit. Well, there it is, he thought. I had to ask.

‘Now then, heh heh,’ said Dr Bashan. ‘If we can return to the present.’

‘Yes,’ said Kleinzeit. ‘The present.’ Death’s still under the bed, he thought. It’s my friend. Maybe it’ll bite him in the leg. He reached under the bed on the side away from Dr Bashan, snapped his fingers.

‘What’s to be done with you, eh?’ said Dr Bashan. ‘That’s the big question.’

‘Yes,’ said Kleinzeit. Dr Bashan’s leg remained unbitten.

‘You’d nearly bought it when they brought you in yesterday, you know,’ said Dr Bashan.

Blip blip blip blip, went Kleinzeit’s screen rather quickly.

‘Massive congestion in the stretto,’ said Dr Bashan. ‘Must’ve hit you like a ton of bricks, eh? Pow, out went the lights.’

‘That’s just about how it was,’ said Kleinzeit.

‘But you’re attached to stretto and all the rest,’ said Dr Bashan. ‘You’d prefer to hang on to them. Auld lang syne and all that, heh heh.’

‘Heh heh,’ said Kleinzeit. ‘Yes, I’d prefer to hang on to them.’

‘Well, I’m afraid it simply isn’t on the cards,’ said Dr Bashan.

‘You can’t take them out without my permission,’ said Kleinzeit looking away from the screen as the blips shot past like bullets. ‘Can you?’

‘Not as long as you’re capable of withholding that permission,’ said Dr Bashan. ‘But if the lights go out again it’s my duty to preserve life, you know, and I promise you you’ll wake up minus hypotenuse, asymptotes, and stretto.’

‘You think it’ll happen again?’ said Kleinzeit. ‘Soon?’

‘There’s no knowing,’ said Dr Bashan.

‘Can’t you sort of hold it off with medication?’

‘We can try,’ said Dr Bashan. ‘What’re you on now?’ He looked at Kleinzeit’s chart. ‘2-Nup and Zonk. We’ll put you on Greenlite as well, see if that eases the stretto traffic a bit.’

‘Right,’ said Kleinzeit. ‘Let’s try that.’

‘And try to pull yourself together, old man,’ said Dr Bashan. ‘The more you upset yourself the worse your chances are with this sort of thing.’

‘I’ll try,’ said Kleinzeit. ‘I promise.’

Before supper the medicine trolley came round again. ‘Kleinzeit,’ said the nurse. ‘Three 2-Nup, two Zonk, three Greenlite.’

‘What’s it say on the Greenlite bottle?’ said Kleinzeit.

‘Sodom Chemicals Ltd,’ said the nurse. ‘Are you a stockholder?’

‘Not yet,’ said Kleinzeit, wolfed down the 2-Nup and the Greenlite, saved the Zonk as before. Still no pain. When would it show up again, he wondered.

Hup, two, three, four, shouted the Sergeant as the pain marched in, a whole company of it. They presented arms, ordered arms, stood to attention.

Thrilling, was Kleinzeit’s sensation. Martial. Strong. Let’s have some of you lads here around the bed, he said. I may want to try sitting up again.

Whoosh, went something inside him. That must be the Greenlite, he thought. My stretto feels clear. Wonderful how strong the pain is. Let me lean on a few of you chaps, that’s it. Now a couple of you get behind and heave. Easy. There we are. Never mind the shooting lights. Very good. Sitting up.

Kleinzeit looked over at Schwarzgang, Redbeard, indicated his sitting-up position. They both signalled thumbs up.

Right, said Kleinzeit. Now let me down again. Easy. We’ll have another go another time.