Library Cat: The Observations of a Thinking Cat

Sneeze

Library Cat nosed his way in through the cat flap on the hunt for a festive scent that might make him seem more attractive. The kitchen was often the place from which these smells effused so he headed there, keeping a low profile for soon there was mischief to be done. With one big leap, he was up on the kitchen work surface. Carefully he limboed under the arch of the tap spout and sidled over the gas hob. A spatula fell to the floor with a clang.

“Caaaaat?!” yelled his owner, with suspicion, from the living room.

Library Cat remained quiet. In the corner of the counter was a grassy-looking plant whose thin green stems he began to devour voraciously. Promptly afterwards he felt sick. Retching, he deposited a small soggy fur ball in the corner next to the plant and the salt and pepper shakers.

That feels better, he thought somewhat refreshed. In the other corner, he spied what he was after. He minced delicately along the counter, treading accidently on the kettle button, sending it into a furious, spitting dry boil. Finally, he sat down next to the spice rack. He biffed it with his paw. Round and round it glided, showing a blurred compound of spice names that shimmered repeatedly past his vision like a phantasmagoria or a series of atoms in a scientist’s equation:

CUMIN – CINNAMON – PARSLEY – SAGE – CUMIN – CINNAMON – PARSLEY – SAGE – CUMIN – CINNAMON – PARSLEY – SAGE – CUMIN – CINNAMON – PARSLEY – SAGE

Lifting his paw, he sent the cinnamon jar flying off the merry-go-round and down to a crash on the floor.

“Caaaaaaaaaaaaat?!”

Jumping down he sniffed and rolled in the maroon powder, until his white patches were no longer white. It smelt wonderful. This would surely give him an advantage – that stand-out-from-the-crowd edge. For who could refuse a wonderful cinnamon-scented thinking cat? He felt quite lush.

Turning round at footsteps, he saw his owner at the doorway.

“What have you done now, you wee bugger?”

Knowing this might lead to incarceration, the water spray or dried food for a week, Library Cat ran, eventually coming to a rest on the chaplaincy steps outside. He felt good – ennui appeased, fur ball purged and smelling sweet as befitted the season and his quest for love. He was ready to face the world again.

But then something curious happened. Suddenly his nose, he gasped, and let off three massive cat sneezes: “Fffffffftt! Ffffftt! FFFFFFFFTT!”

Now I should make clear at this point, Human, that sneezing for cats is very different to sneezing for us Humans. When we sneeze, we wipe our noses and move on. We realise that certain things make us sneeze, like pepper, dust, spice and pollen. But when Library Cat sneezes, he doesn’t know what is happening. His world folds in on itself: he feels alarmed, possessed and out-of-control. To top it all, he feels scared.

And his response? The same as that of any other cat when faced with something alarming and inexplicable: to glare at the nearest Human, with a mixture of distain and fear, as if they are solely to blame… on this occasion, a parking attendant in the middle of George Square.

But the parking attendant merely walked by, busy issuing a fine to a man whose ticket had expired 23 seconds ago and who, at this very moment, was sprinting over the cobbles clutching a coffee yelling, “You b*****d! I was only in ****ing Sainsbury’s, you ********!”

Perfectly horrendous, thought Library Cat. Maybe it isn’t the Humans that make me “Ffffffft” after all. He recalled having once before asked Biblio Chat about who was to blame for the strange “ffffffft” phenomenon.

“Ah oui, le ‘Fffffffft!’” responded Biblio Chat. “Je ‘Ffffffftt’ beaucoup en été! Le cause? Un mystère…”

“A mystery,” thought Library Cat, disappointed. “But surely everything has a cause? A reason? A purpose? A function?”

“Non, de temps en temps, les chats – on ne sait pas toutes les réponses. On doit l’accepter, et tourner la page…”

“Sometimes we just have to accept things and move on?”

“Oui.”

“Like the Human folly, and the laws of love?”

“Oui, exactement, comme la folie des humains et les lois de l’amour.”

Library Cat yawned. This was far too much. Too much activity for one day. Too many null-achievements. It was time to sleep.

Recommended Reading

Submarine by Joe Dunthorne.

Food consumed

Cinnamon.

Mood

Curious, startled.

Discovery about Humans

Sometimes cats accuse them falsely.