Library Cat: The Observations of a Thinking Cat

Politics

A few days later, Library Cat awoke from under a bush in George Square with quite a start. How he ended up in this spot was rather unclear to him.

As he started to think back over the time that had elapsed since the road incident, he suddenly felt a gentle tickle upon his leg.

Strange, he thought. A tic? There, indeed, on the side of his white leg was a tiny black tic, quite at home in its new fluffy surroundings. But something else was amiss. Another tickle was coming from under his left paw…

Hesitantly, Library Cat raised the paw to lick the underside but instead was given such a shock that he sprung three foot in the air from his supine position only to land, a split second later, back on all four paws his lemon-yellow eyes widened and his fur thickly fluffed and standing on edge.

Directly beneath where his paw had been, was a tiny hole in the soil, much smaller than that which the Humans were digging the other day. From out of the hole there issued a tiny, thin line of jet-black ants, all marching in single file, advancing in a carefully curved line.

Library Cat was utterly confounded. He didn’t know what to do. On the one hand, the line of ants looked like a tiny lace, being tweaked tantalisingly for his delectation, and this made him want to pounce. But on the other hand, at the same time, he knew it wasn’t a lace but was in fact a miniature, super-organised army going about some deeply mysterious business, and this made him wary. He edged closer…

Why can’t I hear them? Now the ants were disappearing into the thick bracken, unperturbed by its lumpy denseness, like a river insisting upon its natural course through a great, teeming city.

Library Cat sniffed them again. They tickled his nose. This time he sprung even higher. How do they know they all want the same thing?

He reversed on his paws, his rear end arching up sharply, not breaking his gaze from the line, feeling quite beaten. This was overwhelming. He hated how nature could be so over-stimulating sometimes! It was so discourteous of it. Nature was there to be eaten or enjoyed, not to bamboozle and sicken like fungus or mysterious ant armies. Time for food; food would help. And milk. And catnip. Yes, catnip would calm him down…

With another inspection of his paw to check it was ant-free, he turned and trotted restlessly out into the street. The pot-hole puddles were beige and muddy with autumn rain, and things smelt damp. But his mood wasn’t improving. Something else inexplicable was happening in Edinburgh this morning, this time at the hands of the Humans. Strewn everywhere, like little white sails, were various bits of blue paper with the word ‘YES!’ written on them. These were joined, in equal amount, with bits of red paper bearing the words, ‘NO THANKS!’ Some were soggy in the muddy puddles, others were glued to lampposts with other smaller versions of themselves encircling them like a picture frame; many more were in windows, going up and down the tenements; some were on the side of cars; some were even pinned onto the jackets of Humans as little badges…

It seems that the Humans have adopted a new method of talking to each other, mused Library Cat, rather baffled.

Library Cat suddenly thought of the ants, and how coordinated they were, and yet they didn’t seem to be talking at all. Instead there was some magical tie between them. It was clear they all wanted the same thing, and they didn’t need to keep reaffirming it. They just got on with the job.

I wonder if there are ever any dissenting ants? pondered Library Cat. Ants that just break from the line because they’re not fussed about nectaring up the greedy Queen Ant? Maverick Ants…?

As he walked along the pavement, his paws ruffling up soggy poster after soggy, and he began to think about how many similar ants in the Amazon might have had their precious homes destroyed and pulped to smithereens to indulge this latest Human fad of mass poster-printing.

Perhaps those ants in George Square were seeking revenge? For all their dispossessed families in the Amazon?

Then it clicked. Big Things must be happening. Biblio Chat had told him all about how étrange et bizarre the Humans in his country get when Big Things are afoot, especially a few hundred years ago during a bloody class war called “The French Revolution”.

Yes, Big Things. Big Things were definitely happening. Even the ants seemed aware of the Big Things. This no doubt explained why the Edinburgh Humans had stopped talking to each other with their voices and adopted a new, highly equivocal signage-based system (Humans often favoured passive-aggressive modes of communication when it comes to Big Things, it seemed.)

Finally, Library Cat saw a clue that might reveal what all the fuss was about, and the very ‘Thing’ which was evidently so ‘Big’. It was a questionnaire, caught up in one of the sharp fangs of the square’s iron railings. He perused it cocking his head to one side:

Closing the libraries! thought Library Cat with alarm, his interest suddenly piqued. Never. This cannot happen. This MUST NOT happen!

Suddenly, to his surprise, Library Cat found himself feeling lighter and more colourful; a Fresher had just stroked him in the correct spot behind the ear, and his ennui had risen and dissipated like smoke in a breeze. He felt energised and impassioned. Yet, as is often the case, he didn’t stop to think about how curious it was that a mood can shift so suddenly, and how the slightest fragment of provocative thought was sufficient to achieve this.

I am going to join the movement! he asserted to himself, followed by a loud and sonorous “Meow!” (which, to a Human, translated as “Hark!”) He bit the questionnaire off its railing skewer, walked over to the library steps, placed it on the ground and manoeuvred himself square in front of it. With a stretch of his paws, a shake of his haunches, and a twist of his whiskers, he poised himself ready to fill it out.

But then he realised he had a problem. Yes, you’ve guessed it, Human. He looked down bemusedly at his paws… he didn’t have a pen.

I’ll “think” the form complete, thought Library Cat, and proceeded to think the form complete as follows.

Library Cat felt satisfied. Getting his feelings out made him feel much better. His breathing that had formerly been elevated with excitement began to settle down again. He looked around at the other Humans to see how they were reacting to the news that the library might close. Outside on the library’s great concrete forecourt, there was a lot of shouting. Placards were being waved, and people stood at desks with pens and posters trying to accost passers-by. Some appeared to be offering cake to incentivise enrolment.

Others shouted down a megaphone that amplified their voices to the level of a landing jet plane, so that they might outdo those around them who were just talking normally. And in the middle of the fracas, a man with a grey beard walked up and down with a board over his front and back shouting that all these ideas were phony and that everyone would go to hell if they didn’t stop and talk to him about God instead; but then even he slid behind a desk and tried to tempt people away from the fire and brimstone with a nice cup of warm tea, for which he required a £1 donation.

Library Cat’s ears flattened at the jabber of the senseless din. Why don’t they listen to each other, instead of trying to convince others about their own thoughts? Surely they’d learn that their ideas cancel each other out, in the same way that mixing acid with alkali makes water, mused Library Cat with a certain pompous confidence at his glistening comparison.

He began to feel a little uneasy again. Everyone seemed trapped in their own little bubbles of self-righteousness, while phrases like “common good” and “the people” and “Faslane” flew through the air like tiny javelins. If there was one colour to describe all the people in the scene, it’d be red. And red made Library Cat nervous. Red wasn’t his world; his world was the colours of blue and green… possibly with a hint of taupe.

There must be a name given to all this caterwauling, mused Library Cat. I wonder what it is?

“Time for a New Politics!” a voice shouted triumphantly.

Library Cat sighed. It’s that “Politics” thing. The time has come again. I guess I should get to the bottom of this politics business once and for all.

So Library Cat sat down in a muddy urn of daisies next to the library café and adopted the stature of a sphinx, proudly guarding the pyramids and ancient secrets on the banks of the Nile. It was the correct posture for thinking deep things, and Library Cat often adopted the sphinx pose whenever there was an especially challenging concept that needed pondering. It was a kind of mark of respect to the great cats of ancient Egypt.

The great cats who were worshipped as gods by their Human servants as is correct, Library Cat often thought. He closed his eyes, tucked his paws back on themselves, swept his tale close in to his side, and stared to think.

Who was a Politics? And what does a Politics do? he pondered.

It occurred to him over time that a Politics made things called Laws. And Laws stopped the Humans from doing Bad Things. Like Cycling on the Pavement, and selling day-old tuna.

But who actually was a Politics? Let me break the word down… First, there was “Poli-”. Well, “Poli-” or “Poly” comes from the Greek prefix “polýs” which means “many”, thought Library Cat with satisfaction. Yes, like “Polycarbonates” means Many Car Bonnets, and “Polyamorous” means many… well… Cat Best Friends… But what about “-tics”?

Was that not a tic I noticed this morning, on my white paw? Those annoying blood-sucking creatures? Yes, thought Library Cat, looking back it the tiny lump on his white leg, small and firm like a chocolate raison. I have a tic right here. They have that annoying trait of continually sucking your blood even when you think you’ve licked them off. And then they grow fatter and fatter on your blood. And then there reaches a point when they’re SO engorged by your hard-earned blood – good, honest blood that you’ve worked hard to nourish and oxygenate – that they eventually drop to the floor dead, martyrs to their own greed…

Now let’s put the words together, thought Library Cat.

“Poli-” and “-tics”. “Many Blood Sucking Creatures”. The Humans recruit many of these Blood Sucking Creatures to Stop them doing Bad Things. Okay…

All of a sudden, there was a stir around Library Cat.

“Library Cat, Smile! Wow, this could be your campaign poster!!!!”

“Quick, Get the Library sign in behind him!”

*Click*

“And again!”

*Click*

“Smile!”

*Click*

“Any thoughts on the laws you’d pass, Library Cat?”

Bloodsuckers, thought Library Cat, turning away and heading back to the chaplaincy quite exasperated.

Recommended Reading

Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell.

Food consumed

1 x ant (mistakenly).

Mood

Apathetic. Cynical and lofty.

Discovery about Humans

They tend to value their own beliefs above those of others. They have “Laws” where cats have intuition.