Livia Lone

39-THEN

It was still snowing when Livia slipped out of the house and walked to the playground. She liked the snow. It was still so strange to her, and she hoped she would never get used to it or take it for granted. It was lovely, the way it covered everything and made the world look so fresh and clean.

Sean was waiting for her, wearing a wool hat and a down jacket like she was. He smiled as she walked over. “You want to sit on the swings?”

She didn’t, actually. Tonight she wanted to be able to see him, not sit side by side. She smiled back and said, “Let’s just stand for a while.”

He nodded. “Okay.”

She looked around, realizing this might be the last time she saw the playground. She would never miss the rest of Llewellyn. But the playground was special. A place she associated with Sean. With that night, a year earlier. There was even a moon again, like the year before, though this one was behind clouds that suffused everything in a soft glow. This would be a nice way to remember it, she thought. Blanketed in white, with the whole world hushed by the gentle, falling snow.

“Is everything okay at the house?” Sean asked.

“It’s okay. There are a lot of people.”

“My dad wrote you a letter,” he said, reaching into his jacket and pulling out an envelope. “I don’t know what it says. He said you could open it now, if you want. Or wait until later. It’s up to you.” He handed it to her.

She hesitated for a moment, then pulled off her gloves and opened the letter.

My dearest Livia,

This is just a short note from a man who’s never been prouder of anything than to be Sean’s father and his and your teacher.

I know Sean told you that you could stay with us if you need to, for as long as you like. That invitation is from both of us. It will always be there. It’s never going away, not for anything. I told you, girl, you have people who care about you. So if there’s anything you ever need-anything, ever-you call on us, and we’ll be there.

All that said, we understand you have your reasons, and we respect them whatever they are.

Remember that your talent is your ticket. And never stop believing in yourself. Those two things, and nothing’s ever going to stop you.

I’m not going to say goodbye, because I feel certain our paths will cross again. Until then, thank you for the privilege of being your teacher, and I’m looking forward to seeing whatever you decide to make of yourself. I have a feeling you’re just warming up now, and the best parts are all yet to come. I love you, girl.

Malcolm

By the time she was done reading, her tears were all over the paper. She handed it wordlessly to Sean. While he read it, she wiped away her tears and managed to stop crying.

“Wow,” Sean said.

She sniffled, then laughed. “He always makes me cry.”

He handed the note back to her. She blew the snow off, folded it, and put it back in the envelope, then put the envelope in her coat pocket. She’d known even before she finished reading that she would keep it with the photograph of her and Nason.

“Everything he said… you know I feel the same.”

She nodded. “Thanks.”

“I mean it.”

“I know.”

“Even if you did abandon me to Eric and his friends my first day of school.”

She looked at him in shock, and he started laughing. “I’m kidding!” he said. “I’m just teasing.”

She made a mock angry face. “You better watch it.”

He smiled. “I know.”

She really liked his smile. And his face, which had little flakes of snow melting on it. She was so used to seeing that face-his eyes, his smile-and now she wouldn’t.

“My dad told me not to keep asking you,” he said. “Because he said it’s your business and it sounded like you’d made up your mind. But… are you sure you have to go? You really could stay with us.”

She wished she could explain why she had to get away from Llewellyn, from everything about the Lones and their house and this town. And why it was so important that she go to Portland, where Nason had disappeared. She knew it would sound silly if she said it, but she felt like she would be able to look for Nason in Portland. Maybe she could find her, even though Rick hadn’t. Not going to Portland when she had the chance would be to forget Nason. Or acknowledge she must be dead. And she would never do that. Never.

She had known it would be hard to see Sean, but not like this. She’d felt so good before. So satisfied. And that delicious… tingling feeling, when she imagined choking Mr. Lone. But now it was this goodbye that was real. She wanted to go back to her room and hide. But she also wanted to stay.

“Remember last year?” she said. “When you walked me here after the party?”

“Yeah. That was a good night.”

The first part had been good, yes. Of course, he didn’t know what Mr. Lone had done to her after. But that didn’t matter anymore. It felt far away, detached. Mr. Lone was dead. He would never do anything to her again. He would never do anything to anyone.

“I remember so many things about that night,” she said. “It was warm. There was a full moon. And the trees looked silver.”

He smiled. “I remember you laughed a lot. I really liked that.”

She looked at him, and felt her eyes get wet again. “I remember you touched my shoulder in such a nice way. And my hair. And my cheek. Do you remember that?”

He nodded quickly, as though afraid to speak.

She felt the tears spill over. “Would you touch me like that again?” she whispered.

He didn’t say anything. He just looked at her, and what she saw in his eyes made something melt inside her. He took off his gloves and brushed away her tears. His fingers were warm and gentle. Then he touched her hair, and her neck, again so gently. And then her face again.

A tear ran down his cheek, mingling with the melted snowflakes. “Don’t go,” he said.

She stifled a small sob. “I have to.”

“I don’t want you to.”

“I don’t want to, either. But I have to.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’m sorry.”

She brushed away his tears the way he had hers. She looked at his lovely face and smiled, even though she was still crying. And then he leaned in, so slowly, and kissed her.

His lips were so soft, and so warm, and they felt so good against hers. She kissed him back, softly, the way he was kissing her, thinking how good it was that he was finally kissing her, and how long she’d waited for this moment, maybe longer than she’d realized. After a while, she felt his mouth open a little, and she opened hers, too, and she felt his tongue against hers, and a little bolt of pleasure shot from somewhere deep inside her and spread through her whole body.

She wasn’t sure how long they stood there like that. Long enough for him to hold her face in his hands, and for her to do the same to him. Long enough to feel hot inside her jacket, even though it was still snowing.

Eventually, the kiss broke, and they stood there for a moment, looking in each other’s eyes. Sean’s mouth was open. He seemed slightly dazed. She thought she had never seen an expression more honest. More naked. More vulnerable.

“I love you, Livia.”

Her eyes welled up again. “I love you, too.”

“Then why?”

She shook her head. “I’m sorry.”

“I feel like I’m never going to see you again.”

“You will.”

“Maybe this summer?”

“Maybe.” But she doubted it.

He smiled, but his eyes stayed sad. “Maybe we’ll go to college together. Maybe we’ll be on the same wrestling team.”

Again, she doubted it, though she couldn’t say why. “Maybe.”

“I mean, we’re only a little over a year away from graduating. That’s not that long.”

She could tell he was trying to comfort himself as much as reassure her. She didn’t answer. Instead, she touched his lovely face again, then leaned in and kissed him some more. Part of her wished they could stay in the playground forever, just the two of them and the gently falling snow.

But in the morning, she had to go. And she knew everything would be different when she did.