Livia Lone

6-THEN

At one point during the day, the men came with blankets. They threw them on the floor and left, the bolts scraping into place after they closed the door behind them.

Livia grabbed one blanket for Nason and herself, and the other children immediately followed suit. But there was no need to hurry-there were enough for everyone. In fact, there was exactly one extra, which the Yao boy took for himself so that he had two. Livia gestured to his extra blanket, then to herself, indicating he should give it to her because she and Nason had only the one. But the boy shook his head and clutched both blankets close to his body.

Livia took a step closer and gestured to the extra blanket again. “You give,” she said in Thai.

The Yao boy shook his head again and took a step back.

Livia handed the blanket to Nason and advanced on the boy. “You give,” she said. “One each. Not two. One.”

The Yao boy backed up until he hit one of the metal walls and could go no farther. He clutched the blankets tightly and bared his teeth at Livia.

She didn’t care that he was older and bigger. It wasn’t fair that he had taken two blankets. And it wouldn’t be good for anyone if the stronger children figured out they could take what they wanted from the weaker ones. She advanced, stopping just a few feet away from him. She looked directly into his eyes and stuck out her hand, the gesture not a request but a demand.

Despite his size, the Yao boy looked uncertain. But he wouldn’t surrender the blanket. Livia prepared to grab it, thinking she would punch him in the face or kick him in the place it hurt boys most if he tried to pull it away.

But just before she went for the blanket, Kai came up alongside her and stood facing the Yao boy, his shoulder almost touching Livia’s. He was smaller than the Yao boy-smaller even than Livia-but his voice was firm as he pointed to the Yao boy and said in Thai, “You give. Give blanket.”

The Yao boy bared his teeth at Kai as he had at Livia. But when neither of them backed away, he grunted as though in disgust, tossed one of the blankets at Livia, and slunk away to one of the corners of the box.

Livia nodded to Kai, then took the blanket to Nason. If they snuggled closely, one blanket would be enough to keep them warm, and the other they could use as a pallet. She realized this would be a good idea for the other children, too, and explained it carefully in Thai, waiting patiently while the message was translated from one language to another. Like most of her ideas, she didn’t know if it would help much, but it gave them something to do and seemed to make the others feel a little better.

That night, while she snuggled close to Nason in the dark, Livia folded the top of the can nearly in half to make one edge stick out and to make it easier to hold without cutting herself. She gripped it tightly between her thumb and fingers and touched the edge with her free hand. It wasn’t as sharp as an a-taw, but it would slice deeply if she slashed with it. She slid it into her back pocket, and slept better feeling the small, hard shape beneath her.

Several days passed. Once in the morning and then again at night, the men handed out food in cans and bottles of water, and replaced the stinky buckets with fresh ones. At night, they carried flashlights, which they would shine at the top of the box and then watch by the reflected light while the children ate. Livia didn’t like their expressions. They looked like hungry cats eyeing trapped mice. Like they wanted something from the children, but for some reason weren’t taking it. Yet.

On their fourth night on the boat, when the men came with the food and water, they smelled of alcohol. Their faces were red in the glow of their flashlights, and they licked their lips while the children ate from the cans. It was enough to make Livia remember what one of the children had said-that she had heard about men like these, men who ate children. It seemed too horrible to be true, but Livia knew from the feverish look in their eyes, the way they rubbed their mouths with the back of their hands, that they were going to do something bad. But what?

When the children were done and had thrown the empty cans into the dirty buckets, Square Head, who was standing next to Livia and Nason, glanced at Skull Face and raised his eyebrows as though asking a question. Skull Face nodded-and Square Head seized Nason by the wrist. Nason cried out and tried to pull away.

“You come,” Square Head said in Thai.

Livia grabbed Nason by the other wrist, just as she had in front of their hut, a time that seemed impossibly far away now. She felt like she was having a nightmare. Why were the men trying to take Nason? She thought about the folded can top in her back pocket. But how could she use it against three men?

“Why you take her?” she cried out in Thai. “Why?”

Square Head was still pulling, but only hard enough to keep Livia from pulling Nason back. He looked at Skull Face as though waiting for him to decide.

Skull Face laughed and shone his flashlight in Livia’s face. She raised one hand against the blinding light, hanging on to Nason’s wrist with the other.

“For fun,” he said. “We take her for fun.”

For a moment, Livia didn’t understand. Fun? They wanted Nason for a game? It didn’t make sense-

And then she was overwhelmed with a horrified understanding. “No!” she cried out. “No, please, no.”

Skull Face laughed again. “No? Why?”

Livia struggled to hold back tears. “She too young for fun. Please.”

Livia felt Skull Face looking at her, and she had the horrible sense that he knew her, knew her better than she knew herself. She tried to think of what to do, and then Skull Face shone the flashlight on Nason and said to Square Head, “Enough. Take her.”

Square Head started pulling again. Livia grabbed Nason’s wrist with both hands and tried to pull back, but the man was too strong. Nason looked at Livia and screamed, “Labee! Labee!”

Livia was being dragged along behind Nason. She couldn’t stop them. But she couldn’t let them do this to Nason. She couldn’t. Without thinking, she looked at Skull Face and screamed, “Take me! Not her, take me!”

Skull Face, already red from the alcohol, flushed more deeply. His nostrils flaring slightly as he breathed, he said to Square Head, “Wait.”

Square Head stopped pulling, but didn’t release Nason’s wrist.

Skull Face shone his flashlight at Livia. “You want us to take you?”

Livia shook her head, squinting. “She too young. Please.”

“Then you? You want us to take you?”

Livia couldn’t answer.

Skull Face shrugged and nodded at Nason. “Okay,” he said to Square Head. “Take her.”

“No!” Livia shouted. “No, you take me. I want you take me.”

Skull Face looked at her. His sunken eyes were black.

“What if we like her better?”

“No, she no better. Please. You take me.”

“Why?”

“She too young.”

“You mean… you’ll be more fun?”

Livia was so relieved that Skull Face seemed to be listening, she was barely aware of her own terror. “Yes. I more fun. Please. Please take me.”

Skull Face nodded to Square Head, who released Nason. Nason stumbled into Livia and clung to her, crying. Livia looked at Skull Face. He shone his flashlight on the ceiling and gestured to the door, smiling.

“It’s all right, little bird,” Livia whispered. “It’s all right. I have to go with them, but not for long. I’ll be back very soon.”

Nason clung harder. “Why, Labee?”

“It’s too much to explain. Just a little while, and I’ll be back.”

Nason shook her head and cried helplessly. “I want to go home.”

Livia thought of their parents, and almost said, We don’t have a home. But that would be needlessly cruel. So instead she whispered, “So do I, little bird. So do I.”

“Why can’t we?”

“I’ll try to find a way. But for now, I need you to be brave and wait for me to come back. Will you do that?”

“But I’m not brave, Labee. I’m not.”

“No, that isn’t true, little bird. You are brave. You just don’t know it yet. But you are.”

Livia tried to pry herself away, but Nason clung to her.

Livia’s heart was pounding. She didn’t know these men. She had no reason to trust them, and every reason not to. They weren’t even Lahu. And even if they had been, look at what her own parents had done.

What if you do what they want, and they break their promise? Their promise not to hurt Nason?

She didn’t know. She couldn’t even fully acknowledge the possibility. She just had to try. She couldn’t live with herself if she didn’t.

Kai came and put his arm around Nason. Livia disengaged and nodded to Kai. He nodded back. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Nason continued to cry, but at least there was someone with her, someone who cared enough to try to comfort her.

Livia straightened, clenched her jaw to keep her lips from quivering, and walked through the door to whatever was outside the box.

The first thing she noticed was the wind-cold and strong and clean. It made her realize how rank the air inside the box had become. The sky was dark, but there must have been lights on the boat somewhere because she could see well enough. She looked around, trying to learn something that might be useful, anything. They were standing in a long, narrow space, with a high metal wall to one side and more of the boxes stacked opposite. On either end of the long space, she could see nothing but darkness. On the other side of the wall was a tall post, like a tree with lights up and down it. Maybe if she could get to it and shimmy to the top, she could see more? But she couldn’t see how she would reach it, even if she could outrun the men. And besides, what would happen to Nason if she tried?

She couldn’t be sure, but a boat this big, and the port, and the foreign letters she had seen… they had to be on the ocean. The thought was as terrifying as it was bewildering.

She watched while the men closed the door and secured the bolts. It was a simple mechanism, but she saw no way it could be opened from inside.

The men motioned that she should come with them, and she obeyed. They wanted her to cooperate, and she had to give them what they wanted. Or they would take it from Nason instead.

They walked toward what she thought from the direction of the wind was the side of the ship, the boxes to their right, the wall to their left. A short way down, there was a gap among the row of boxes, as though one stack had been removed, or left out. The men motioned. Her heart pounding, her throat constricted, Livia walked into the gap, the men close behind her.

She stopped in the center and turned. The light was dim and the space felt like a cage. There were stacks of boxes to three sides. The floor was covered in some kind of fake grass-she could just make out the color green in the faint light, but the feel under her bare feet was scratchy. She wondered absently why someone would want to make fake grass. What kind of world was this?

One of the men came toward her. Square Head. His face was silhouetted and she couldn’t see his expression. For some reason, she felt glad of that. She didn’t want to see their faces.

The sound of the wind was deadened inside the space, and Livia could hear the man breathing heavily, see it in the rise and fall of his chest. He said in Thai, “Get on your knees.”

Livia didn’t understand. She had been terrified the men were going to do to her the thing that made babies. The thing she and all the Lahu children saw dogs doing, and sometimes heard their parents doing. But then why would he want her on her knees?

She knelt and started to cry. She hoped the men couldn’t see it.

Square Head pulled open his pants. Livia shook her head, not understanding.

Square Head pointed to her mouth, then to himself, then to her mouth again.

A wave of nausea coursed through her. No. He couldn’t want her to… what, kiss him? There? It was disgusting, why would anyone want that?

She thought of her parents, of her father gripping the handful of baht, and cried harder.

Square Head stepped closer. He smelled like curry, a spice Livia had always liked but which was suddenly repulsive.

“Mouth,” he said in Thai. “Mouth.”

She closed her eyes and held her breath and tried to do what he wanted. But it was all so sickening that she gagged again and again until finally she jerked her head away and threw up. He waited a moment and then made her continue, holding her hair and thrusting himself in and out of her mouth while she squeezed her eyes shut and tried desperately to conjure something good, a happy memory, some secret imagining these men couldn’t know or reach. But nothing came. So she gagged and sobbed and thought of Nason, of how much worse it would be if this were happening to her little bird instead of to herself. She clung to that thought and endured one second to the next, not knowing when it would end or how.

Finally, the man moaned as though he was hurt and something squirted out of him, something hot and slick and slimy. Livia gagged and tried to pull away, but he held her hair tightly and kept moving. When he finally let her go, she leaned over and threw up again.

It was the same with Dirty Beard, and then with Skull Face. When they were all done, Livia collapsed to her side, retching, her stomach convulsing but with nothing left to throw up.

The men lit cigarettes and watched her. After a few minutes, her roiling stomach subsided. She spat until there was nothing left to spit and sat up.

Skull Face smiled at her. “You fun,” he said. “So fun. You stay fun, and we won’t do this with your sister, okay?”

Livia was too exhausted to respond. But amid the horror and revulsion, she felt a tiny sliver of hope. She had protected Nason. She could do it again, if she had to. To protect her sister, she would do anything.

She didn’t know that, in the end, it wouldn’t be enough.