Lysistrata

14

Smoothly, swiftly, softly as a shadow, Theoris glided on bare feet across the courtyard past the statue of Hestia to the entrance to the kitchen. It was very dark inside the kitchen, but she moved with assurance, having carefully committed to memory the positions of all possible impediments. She was, therefore, as much startled as injured, though she barked a shin fearfully, when she stumbled over a low bench and fell sprawling to the floor. Before she could raise herself, she was seized roughly by a huge paw and hauled to her feet.

“So you are a thief, as well as a tease and a liar,” the cook said. “It is apparent that you have absolutely no character at all.”

She called him a dirty name, and he guffawed.

“Also,” he said, “you have a foul mouth. In spite of your ridiculous pretensions, you are clearly no better than you have to be. I am greatly tempted to demonstrate what is quite likely to happen to ignorant wenches with flippant behinds who sneak into the cook’s kitchen in the middle of the night to steal wine.”

“If you molest me in the slightest, you lewd ruffian,” she said, “you will surely come to a worse end than has been predicted even for you.”

“My, what a brave-talking, lying, teasing, thieving slut you are! There is absolutely no limit to your gall. By laying a clever ambush, I catch you slinking barefooted and half-naked into the kitchen at night to steal wine, and you are actually capable of threatening me for finding you out!”

“It is only your opinion that I came here to steal wine. You have no proof whatever. If you were half so clever as you think you are, you would have brought a witness and waited until I was in possession of your precious wine. As it is, if you accuse me, I shall be compelled to say that you are only trying to play me a dirty trick because I refused to submit to your naughty propositions.”

“Wait a minute! This won’t do at all. Do you think I’m so stupid that I’ve been unaware that the wine has been disappearing at an unwarranted rate ever since the Mistress left? You have been stealing it, all right, you little thief, and I am also of the opinion that you have been taking liberties with the Mistress’s things, and have, in fact, been sleeping in her bed.”

“Really? I’m surprised that a lout like you is capable of forming an opinion. And what, I would like to know, makes you think that I’ve been sleeping in the Mistress’s bed? Have you possibly been prowling past the door at night, where you have absolutely no business, in hopes of seeing something that would excite your base nature? I believe, now that you have practically confessed it, that I shall tell the Mistress what you have been up to. You will certainly be skinned alive at the very least.”

“I think not. Not after I have reported that you stole wine, got drunk, and used the Mistress’s bed for your evening’s activity.”

This was said with such assurance that Theoris hesitated before replying. Staring up through darkness at the cook’s face, she wished greatly that there was a light so that she could study his expression. He was such an accomplished liar that she could not be certain from the timbre of his voice whether he was bluffing or speaking truthfully for a change. At any rate, it might be well to proceed with a little caution before alienating him entirely.

“What a wickedly slanderous fellow you are! You have no respect whatever for one’s reputation, do you? You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

“Should I? Please tell me why I should show any more respect for your reputation than you show yourself. The truth is, as I have stated several times, you are a liar, a thief, a tippler and a fornicator, and there is nothing slanderous in speaking the truth. If you do not wish to be called such names, you should quit giving cause.”

Seeing that he was so assured and so emphatic, she decided that it might be wise to maneuver the conversation into another direction. She had, of course, been helping herself to the wine, and she was inclined to believe, moreover, that the unpredictable fellow had actually ventured to peep in at the door of the Mistress’s room at an unfortunate time.

“Please let go of my arm,” she said. “You are hurting me with your great horny claw, and I am certain to be black and blue in the morning. Do you wish to give me evidence to prove to the Mistress that you attacked me physically?”

“You have worn out that threat of telling the Mistress this or that, my little fraud. I tell you finally that I am not at all concerned about your telling the Mistress anything whatever.”

“No? Do you believe that she would accept your word over mine in respect to any difference? I warn you that I am held in high esteem by the Mistress.”

“That makes absolutely no difference, so far as I can see, for the Mistress is obviously never coming back.”

“Not coming back! Besides being ugly and vulgar and slanderous, you now demonstrate that you are a fool as well. Why shouldn’t the Mistress come back?”

“If you weren’t twice the fool you accuse me of being, you would see that she has destroyed herself by organizing this wild rebellion of wives.”

“On the contrary, it is quite successful. She is secure and indomitable in the Acropolis and has been so now for three weeks.”

“Do you actually expect the men of Athens to submit to such pressure?”

“Certainly. Of Athens and Corinth and Sparta and Boeotia and all the rest. The news is abroad for all but stupid fellows like you to hear. Being deprived of accommodation throughout the peninsula, the erstwhile valiant warriors are all in heat and groaning for peace.”

“You are a pretentious little slut, I must say. If one did not know in advance that you are an inveterate liar, one might be impressed. How would an ignoramus like you know what is going on throughout the peninsula?”

“I am not by any means so ignorant as it pleases you to imagine. I make a point of keeping up on current affairs.”

“Oh, certainly, certainly! I’m sure that you are constantly in touch with the most important and best informed people in Athens.”

“You may be as sarcastic as you like, but there are ways of learning things if one only has ears and brains. Although you are generously equipped with the former, it is unfortunate that you are deficient in the latter.”

“I beg your tolerance, you remarkable wench, I really do. You must be patient with underprivileged fellows like me, who are so busy becoming recognized masters of their trades that they have no time to peep into bed-chambers and pick up gossip in the slave quarters, and hardly have time, in fact, to trap pretty thieves in the kitchen at night.”

“I am quite willing to be patient, and even amicable, if you will only make an effort to be a little less offensive. Do you concede that I am pretty?”

“Do you concede that you are a thief?”

“Being a woman, I would consider the concessions a fair exchange.”

“In that case, I must be fair and admit that you are pretty. But that we are amicable, and since I deprived you of your wine by preventing your stealing it, I might be prevailed upon to share a bowl with you. What do you think of that?”

“I think it is exceedingly generous, which I am happy to admit in our new amiable relationship, and I accept on one condition.”

“What condition?”

“Well, I am inclined to relax excessively under the influence of wine, and you must promise to behave properly for both of us.”

“I’m not sure that I can make such a promise in good faith, for I have the same inclination that you have. I’ll tell you what I’ll do, however. I promise to repent for both of us afterward, if necessary, which will relieve you of any discomfort in the matter whatever.”

“You are truly being amiable,” she said, “and I accept the condition as being satisfactory.”