Lysistrata

9

Lycon wandered disconsolately around the square. The babble of voices and the ascendant cries of vendors, always previously so melodious in his ears, now struck him as a hideous cacophony. The antics of the clowns were the gyrations and contortions of a kind of sinister madness. The flower girls, in spite of romantic nonsense of poets to the contrary, were vulgar wenches without grace or glamour. Nothing was bright, nothing was sane, nothing was pleasing to the senses. It was absolutely intolerable, he thought, to submit any longer to such monstrous distortions of reality. Or of what he had once considered reality. The truth was, he had become so confused and depressed by events that he no longer had any faith in his ability to distinguish between what was real or normal and what was not. The only thing he knew with certainty was that he must return to Pylos at once for the sake of his dignity, if not for his very sanity. He had never before thought of Pylos as a refuge, but he did so now.

Looking ahead, he was suddenly aware of Acron approaching. Having no desire whatever to see or talk with Acron at this time, he ducked into a convenient lounge, but it was no use. Acron had seen him, and followed him immediately into the lounge.

“Lycon,” he said, “I hope I am mistaken, for the sake of our long friendship, but I had the distinct impression just now that you were trying to avoid me.”

“Avoid you?” said Lycon. “Why in the world should I want to avoid you?”

“You know very well why you want to avoid me, and I assure you that you are wasting time in trying to evade the issue. It is not an act of friendship to be so deceptive.”

“To my knowledge, I have not deceived you in any way, and I’d appreciate your being specific, at least, if you feel compelled to abuse me.”

“Oh, such dissemblance! Shame on you, Lycon! Do you deny that you have gotten us into the most humiliating and distressing mess through your inability to control things at home?”

“I don’t deny that I am in such a mess, which is truly humiliating, as you say, but I don’t see why you should be excessively disturbed about it.”

“I declare, Lycon, you are either the most artful dodger in the world, or you are truly ignorant of what has developed.”

“If anything at all has developed, I am certainly ignorant of it.”

“Then permit me to inform you that Calonice has been converted to Lysistrata’s treachery.”

“You mean she has refused to accommodate you?”

“What else could I mean? Furthermore, I am convinced that she would never have adopted such a monstrous attitude, or even have thought of it, if she had not been subjected to Lysistrata’s influence. You are therefore responsible, Lycon, and must answer for it.”

“In what way can I be held responsible for someone who is obviously irrational? It’s not my fault, Acron, that you are being deprived of pleasure. Besides, as you well know, I have troubles of my own, and am not inclined at this time to assume yours.”

“If your dog goes mad and bites a neighbor, you’re responsible, aren’t you? Of course, you are. And a man is certainly as responsible for his wife as he is for his dog. The only difference that I can see is that a wife’s defections are likely to have more serious consequences.”

“This is nonsense, and you know it, and you are only trying to put the blame on me because you are naturally upset and disgruntled. Have you made any effort to restore Calonice’s reason?”

“I’ve beat her thoroughly, if that’s what you mean.”

“Was it effective?”

“Not particularly. She did a lot of howling, which was some satisfaction to me, but in the end she only seemed to become more stubborn because of it. I have never known her to show such fortitude before, and I’m convinced that Lysistrata has put her under some kind of spell which induces extraordinary powers of resistance.”

“I know what you mean. It’s exceedingly frustrating, for a fact. Do you think this business is contagious and will spread generally?”

“After piecing together some of the idiocies babbled by Calonice after her beating, I concluded that some program of evangelism is actually projected. I doubt, however, that it will go any farther than Lysistrata and Calonice. They are close friends, as we know, and are peculiarly susceptible to each other’s nonsense. You are more experienced in this rebellion by two days than I am, Lycon. Surely you can now suggest a practical way to bring them around.”

“I have had no luck whatever with Lysistrata and can suggest nothing regarding Calonice.”

“Have you no plan of action?”

“Yes, I have. If you want to know the truth, old boy, I plan to leave town as soon as possible.”

“Really? When?”

“Tomorrow, perhaps.”

“Well, now that you have mentioned it, I have had something like that in mind myself. Perhaps our affairs will have returned to normal by the time we come back to Athens again.”

“Possibly. I have heard that various manias and mental ills will dissipate naturally if left alone and not aggravated by nostrums and ignorant physicians.”

“Will you return to Pylos?”

“Yes, to Pylos. And I wish I were there this instant, as a matter of fact, for here comes Cadmus. In my condition, I would rather be kicked three times around the square than to be compelled to listen to his chatter.”

“Notice how fierce he looks. It seems to me that he is angry about something.”

And he was. Cadmus was angry. He loped into the lounge with his chiton flapping, bending slightly forward from the waist as if he were about to launch a physical attack and glaring in the most ferocious manner at Lycon.

“There you are, Lycon,” he said. “I have been looking all over for you.”

“How are you, Cadmus?”

“I am not at all well, if you want to know. In fact, I have never before been so upset and positively furious.”

“That’s an unusual condition for a philosopher, isn’t it? Hasn’t Empedocles taught you how to sustain serenity, as well as how to heal the afflicted with words?”

“Well, never mind that. I refuse to be distracted in this matter.”

“What is the matter, by the way?”

“Corruption, that’s the matter! I simply will not tolerate having my wife corrupted by your wife Lysistrata.”

“Nausica, too?” said Acron.

“What do you mean?” Cadmus turned toward Acron, his voice skidding upward. “Is it possible that Calonice is also party to this depravity?”

“Since we are all fools together, I may as well admit that she is.”

“Monstrous! It’s absolutely monstrous! I tell you that I had the most frightful forebodings of disaster the instant I was told of Lysistrata’s strange behavior. Lycon, it would have been only simple decency on your part to have kept your troubles at home and not go passing them around among your friends.”

“Well, I’m delighted to have your opinion, Cadmus. My friend Acron has just been abusing me shamefully for something I could in no way help, and now I can see that you expect to do likewise. I ought to warn you, however, that I’m in a state of nerves, which you may understand, and it’s possible that I may lose control of myself and punch you in the eye.”

Cadmus blinked and took a step backward and appeared to be considering the threat to his person.

“I may have been unjust in my remarks, Lycon,” he said finally, “but I am quite upset and not wholly responsible. What we must do, rather than to squander our potential in squabbling, is to combine forces in an effort to end this humiliating situation before it spreads to the wives of other unfortunate citizens. I declare, this is something that could become as fashionable among women as a new paint for the eyelids. What do you suggest?”

“Have you tried beating Nausica?” Acron asked.

“Yes, I have. I tried.”

“You seem to be implying a qualification. Were the results unfortunate?”

“To tell the truth, they were exactly the reverse of what I intended. That Nausica is a resourceful and powerful woman, she really is. When I approached to strike the first blow, she picked up a heavy stick, which she had taken to bed in anticipation of my action, and beat me on the back and shoulders with it. Only by covering my head with my arms was I able to avoid a fractured skull. In the meanwhile, she called me several names that I didn’t dream were in her vocabulary. If you’re interested in evidence, I can show you the welts and bruises under my chiton.”

“I am not interested,” said Lycon.

“Nor I,” said Acron. “I don’t care to see them.”

“We hope you will excuse us,” said Lycon.

“Certainly,” said Cadmus. “I just thought you might be interested, but I have no desire to impose my injuries upon you. What action did you take with Calonice, Acron?”

“The same. I beat her.”

“Did she respond?”

“Only with howls and pigheadedness. Like you, I accomplished nothing constructive or encouraging.”

“They’re demented, that’s what they are. It is well known that demented people become as courageous as lions. What possible plan of action can we devise?”

“Acron and I have already devised one,” Lycon said.

“Really? Since I am vitally concerned, perhaps you would be good enough to tell me what it is.”

“We are going to leave town.”

“What? That’s clearly impossible.”

“On the contrary, it’s quite simple.”

“Well, it’s all right for you two fellows to run back to the war, but I am a non-combatant, as you know very well, and have no such place to go. You are leaving me to bear the brunt of this alone, that’s what you’re doing, and I tell you frankly that I consider it cowardly.”

“Cowardly! Who are you, Cadmus, to accuse anyone of cowardice? At least we have not permitted ourselves to be beaten by a woman with a stick.”

“You know perfectly well that I am frail physically, Lycon, and it is petty of you to ridicule me because of it.”

“If you don’t wish to be ridiculed, you had better stop charging people with cowardice.”

“Yes, Cadmus,” said Acron, “do stop to consider before you speak. As for deserting you, I will be happy to have you accompany me when I leave. I’m sure you could be fitted in somewhere, in spite of your frailty.”

“Not at all!” Cadmus looked horrified. “It might be the death of me.”

“Well,” said Acron, “a war might be the death of anyone. That’s understood.”

“At any rate,” said Lycon, “a little wine would not be the death of us, and on the other hand it might do us considerable good. Shall we split the price of a skin?”