Lysistrata

7

The next afternoon, Lysistrata was in the kitchen annoying the cook when Theoris came to find her. She was not in the kitchen because it was in any way essential, but simply because it was pleasant on occasion to putter about the house, and the cook wished that she would go away and leave him alone. He was well aware of his rather exalted station as a man of extraordinary talent in his trade, and this caused him to feel secure in the assumption of a certain air of independence, but he was a shrewd fellow and also aware, on the other hand, that his independence was severely qualified by slavery. Not wishing to force an issue that could only be uncomfortable to himself in the end, he had learned to judge with a nice precision the almost exact limit of Lysistrata’s tolerance. He was allowed to grunt and look sullen, which he did, but not to be overtly abusive, which he never was.

“Mistress,” said Theoris, “Calonice, wife of Acron, is waiting for you.”

“Calonice?” Lysistrata turned to Theoris with a look of surprise. “Calonice again? It was only the day before yesterday that she was here.”

“Nevertheless, she has returned today. She is waiting in the court near the statue of Hestia.”

“Whatever can she want?”

“That, not knowing, I can’t say. I can say, however, that she seems somewhat agitated.”

“Really? How strange! Calonice is ordinarily as placid as a cow. Something quite disturbing must have happened to her.”

“Well, perhaps I have expressed it too strongly. Let me think of a softer word.”

“Now I am not so astonished. You must admit, Theoris, that there’s considerable difference. One can be pleasurably excited. Calonice is excited frequently, in a cow-like way, but I can’t remember ever seeing her in a state of agitation. I wish you would try to be more precise.”

“I’m sorry. Truly, I’m a deplorable ignoramus.”

“Well, never mind. You are loyal and diligent and pleasantly pretty, and I cannot expect you to be educated besides. And now, since we have revised your judgment of what I may anticipate, I had better go at once and see what Calonice wants. Did you say she is in the court?”

“Yes, Mistress.”

Lysistrata went out to meet Calonice, and Theoris lingered in the kitchen to have her behind patted by the cook. There were virtues in the cook, as Theoris had learned, of which Lysistrata was not aware, and his exceptional talent was by no means limited to the preparation of Boeotian eels.

“You’re a naughty fellow,” she said.

“That’s what you say every time.”

“Because you are a naughty fellow every time. You’re lewd and vulgar, that’s what you are. You must always be pinching and patting.”

“Oh, come off. You like to be pinched and patted.”

“What makes you think so?”

“Because you make yourself available. Do you think I’m a fool, just because I had the misfortune to be made a slave? If you don’t like to be pinched and patted, you have only to stay out of reach?”

“I permit it only to tease you. I know what you’re after, all right, and it’s much more fun to refuse you if you are properly eager.”

“If you try such business with me, you are likely to end up in the chowder.”

“What a violent fellow you are! Besides being naughty, you are violent and dominating. I’m absolutely terrified!”

“You can mock if you wish, but you will learn that I am not a man to be trifled with. Moreover, it doesn’t become you to be so conceited. In spite of being pretty and having a tempting behind, you are nothing but an ignorant slave.”

“Well, just hear who’s calling who an ignorant slave! Have you, perhaps, been elevated to citizenship overnight?”

“It’s true that I am a slave, just as you, but it’s also true that I am a master of my trade, which is highly esteemed in Athens, and therefore I am exceptional and to a degree honored.”

“Indeed! It may interest you to know that I am a master of my trade, too, which is the trade of all women, whether they are citizens or slaves, and if you were not such an ugly and offensive fellow, I might be tempted to prove it to you.”

“If you don’t watch your step, you may be required to prove it whether you are tempted or not. Tease me indeed! One would think, to hear you talk, that you were the most accomplished temptress, rather than a simple house slave who is excited to the grossest vanity just because someone occasionally pinches her behind. Perhaps you are afflicted with delusions of grandeur because you have the same name as the famous Theoris who slept with all the Athenian Generals and peddled their secrets to the Persians.”

“I know nothing about Theoris or Athenian Generals or Persians, but I don’t mind telling you that I am now receiving instruction from the Mistress, who is about as accomplished an instructor as one could wish.”

“Your loose tongue will surely get you into trouble. What do you mean, you foolish wench, instruction from the Mistress?”

“Never mind.”

“Oh, I know what you mean, all right. You’ve been peeping at night, that’s what you mean, and if you get caught at it you will not have enough skin left on your behind to pinch.”

“That’s a lie. I have not been peeping. Moreover, if you want to know, there is nothing to peep at.”

“Nothing to peep at! With the Master just back from Pylos after seven months? You are certainly as green as grass, in spite of your big talk, and there’s no question about it.”

“You may accuse me of anything you like, but it is true just the same. You are not as close to the intimate affairs of this house as I am, and I assure you that the Master has not been permitted to take his feet off the floor of the Mistress’s room since returning home.”

“Careful! If you are determined to lie, you had at least better tell one that is reasonable!”

“Oh, well, if you don’t care to believe me, you needn’t think it makes the slightest difference to me. I’m only trying to keep you informed of affairs, which is hopeless, I suppose, since you are obviously stupid as well as ugly and vulgar.”

“Why should she do such a monstrous thing? Furthermore, why should he let her get away with it? Can you answer those questions?”

“As to why he lets her, I can’t answer. But she is doing it in rebellion against the war. She will not have anything more to do with him until he refuses to do with it.”

“I’m actually beginning to believe you. Surely you could have no purpose in making up a fantastic tale like this.”

“It’s true. She’s rebelling against the war.”

“Well, I am against the war myself, since it made a slave of me, but I declare that this is carrying things too far. If I were the Master, I would know how to lay this rebellion promptly.”

“That, of course, is the exact remedy, and if you know how to accomplish it, you had better confer with the Master at once, for he apparently doesn’t.”

“I’ll mind my own business, that’s what I’ll do. And if you know what’s good for you, you’ll do the same.”

“I am not involved, being a slave, but my feelings are on the side of the Mistress. I agree that men have been allowed to behave like idiots in regard to this war far longer than should be essential to their silly pride.”

“What do you know about the war?”

“I know a great deal, for the Mistress has instructed me.”

“It seems to me that the Mistress has been instructing you in a good many matters, directly or indirectly.”

“That’s true. We are on good terms and frequently exchange pleasantries and even intimacies.”

“I imagine you are also her private spy and make reports on the activities of the other household slaves.”

“Do you, really? If so, perhaps you had better mend your manners.”

“If you don’t want to find yourself simmering in the pot in little pieces, you had better not peddle any tales about me.”

“I am tempted, as a matter of fact, to tell her that you pinch and pat my behind in an offensive manner.”

“In that case, I may as well give you the evidence to prove it.”

Reaching for her quickly with a strong hand, he gave her a pinch that was calculated to leave a beautiful bruise, and she fled with a squeal from the kitchen.