Lysistrata

15

Lysistrata was worried and depressed. Standing quietly near the base of the colossal statue of Athene Promachos, she held the elbow of her right arm in the cup of her left hand. With the thumb and index finger of her right hand she alternately pinched and released her lower lip in a gesture that indicated intense concentration. As she stared at the ground a few feet ahead of her, her brows were drawn down in an expression of absolute ferocity. Nausica, approaching her, was aware at once that something was amiss, but she could not for the life of her imagine what it was.

“Lysistrata,” she said, “it is apparent that you are disturbed about something. You are looking absolutely fierce.”

“It’s true that I’m disturbed — and angry,” said Lysistrata, looking up and discontinuing the abuse of her lip. “As a matter of fact, something has developed that is a far greater threat to our success than any other threat to date, and I am frank to say that I am uncertain as to the proper measures to take against it.”

“In that case, perhaps you had better confide in me. It may be that I can resolve the matter with my stick.”

“I don’t think so. I confess that I’ve been tempted to whack a few backsides myself, but I doubt that it would be effective in the present difficulty. Have you detected growing evidence of dissatisfaction among the women?”

“Well, I’ve heard considerable grumbling, if that’s what you mean, but this is natural under the best of circumstances and can only be expected among women with less fortitude than you and I possess.”

“It’s a fact that you and I are exceptional. That has been proven. However, the nature of this enterprise precludes our being able to conclude it satisfactorily alone, and we are imperiled by weaklings.”

“I declare, Lysistrata, I do wish you would simply say outright what it is that disturbs you.”

“Defection, that’s what. The women are all in a passion for the very thing they are sworn to withhold. They are absolutely shameless in their behavior, Nausica, and I am astonished that you haven’t noticed it.”

“As I have told you, I have rather worn out my enthusiasm for this form of entertainment, except now and then on special occasions, and that is why I may be somewhat deficient in recognizing the symptoms of those who have not.”

“I assure you that there is no limit to their duplicity, and they exercise incredible craftiness in devising ways to take unauthorized leave. Not an hour ago I intercepted one trying to slip out the postern gate by the Cave of Pan. And yesterday, if you will believe it, one actually tried to lower herself from the wall by means of a rope. They are absolutely frantic, that’s the truth, and I am compelled to confess that I am not entirely unsympathetic, being myself somewhat disturbed in the same way, but it is necessary to be exceptionally strong at this critical period.”

“I agree. It is certainly a bad sign for our cause if these passionate geese are prepared to jeopardize everything for the sake of accommodation.”

“We must be all the more vigilant, Nausica, that’s what. Besides, there is a brighter interpretation to this, if you will only take the trouble to see it.”

“Well, I’m perfectly willing to take the trouble, so far as that goes, but I am still unable to see anything bright in this development.”

“Stop to consider, Nausica. If the women are so frantic, what do you suppose is the condition of the men?”

“Why, frantic, of course! That’s perfectly logical, Lysistrata. You are quite clever to see it so clearly.”

“As leader, it is my duty to see affairs clearly. It can be taken as established that our men have, by this time, been driven to desperation. It is well-known that one always feels that he must have at once at any price whatever he is denied. Any philosopher will tell you that. So now it is simply a matter of seeing who can restrain themselves the longer, Nausica, the men or the women. Our business has reached its crisis.”

“You are right. I can see that this is so, now that you have pointed it out, and I am thankful that you have done so, for I shall be doubly alert for signs of desertion. I promise you, Lysistrata, if I catch even one of these silly women trying to slip through a gate or scale a wall in an attempt to run off to bed, I shall use my stick upon her behind so roughly that she will be forced to maintain an upright position, even if she escapes me.”

“Exercise reasonable control. We must not be too severe. This is a kind of weakness that I can understand, even though you can’t. However, it is certain that we must prevent any general defection, and if we must abuse a few behinds to accomplish it, that is what we’ll do. I tell you, though, Nausica, it is impossible not to admire the ingenuity of these women. They can in an instant devise the most elaborate lies to justify temporary leave to go home, and you shall see at once that this is true, for here come two of them now. See the expressions on their faces? Did you ever in your life before see such perfect innocence mixed with such honest distress? They have their stories fixed in advance, that’s plain, the dissembling little sluts, and it will require all my mental discipline, which is considerable, to render a judgment based on the simple truth that they are monstrous liars and cannot be trusted for a moment.”

The two women approached, stopped a few paces away and stood waiting. For a minute or two, in order to discomfit them and perhaps deter them in their palpable scheme to deceive, Lysistrata ignored their presence completely. Then, turning suddenly, she looked at them directly with a ferocious scowl, but she was forced to admit that it did not seem particularly effective.

“Well,” she said, “you have obviously come to speak with me, although you stand there like bumpkins and say nothing at all. I advise you to speak up quickly, for you can see that I am in conference with Nausica, who is second in command here, and I am not inclined at this time to concede more than a few minutes to you at most.”

It was her feeling that a brusque voice and the scowl might serve to convince the two women in advance that it would be dangerous to trifle with the truth, but it was evident immediately that they were not to be denied, being motivated by something a great deal more compelling than any dread of Lysistrata or Nausica or both. One of the pair, a young woman who was, in fact, hardly more than a girl, took another step forward and began to speak boldly.

“To tell the truth,” she said, “I have just remembered something that makes it necessary for me to go home.”

“Really? That’s very interesting, I must say, and you have no idea how much I appreciate your consideration in coming to tell me instead of attempting, like others I could mention, to clamber over a wall or slip through a gate. What is it that compels you to go home in such a rush?”

“When I heard of the capture of the Acropolis, I left so hurriedly to join the forces of the women that I quite forgot a quantity of new Miletus wool I had just purchased. If it is not attended to properly, it will surely spoil, and I must go home at once and bed it down.”

Lysistrata turned to Nausica with a look of contrition.

“Nausica,” she said, “I have done this honest girl a gross injustice. I predicted, as you know, that she would lie to me flagrantly, and instead she has told the simple truth. She wishes, she says, to go home and bed something down, and I believe her without reservation.” Turning to the other of the two women with the same look of contrition, she said, “I shall not do you the injustice that I have done your friend, for I am convinced that you could not be in her company and be anything but truthful, and that you will certainly give honest answers to honest questions. Do you wish to go home also?”

“Yes, I do. It is necessary that I go without delay.”

“Would you object to telling me why?”

“I have some flax that I must strip.”

“You see, Nausica?” Lysistrata looked so delighted that she seemed for a moment on the verge of skipping and clapping her hands like a child. “At last we have found an honest pair. One wants to go home and bed something down, while the other desires to go home and strip, and each says so straight-forwardly and without equivocation. They are precious young things, to be sure, and it makes me feel worse than I can say to be compelled to tell them that stripping and bedding are contrary to the spirit and practice of our cause and are not allowed.”

“It’s a shame,” said Nausica. “It truly is. I am myself so overwhelmed with compassion for these two sweet girls that I can hardly contain it. Bed, says one. Strip, says the other. I swear that I have never before been privileged to observe such engaging openness in a sex which is said generally to be deceptive.”

The two young women, understanding at last that they were being castigated with soft words, began to squirm and look as if they wished themselves immediately elsewhere. Lysistrata, turning back to them from Nausica, saw that it was time to abandon her tactic of sarcasm and deal directly with the matter. She assumed again her ferocious scowl.

“Did you actually presume to think,” she said, “that I am so dull as to be deceived by your foolish talk of wool and flax? Your verbs are more significant than your nouns, you simple geese, and I am just the one to perceive it. Shame on you! Do you wish to jeopardize all we have accomplished by submitting prematurely to the appeal of accommodation? Don’t you realize that our men are surely in as desperate a condition as we are, if not more so, and that they are already at the point of concession? Now is the time of crisis when we must all adhere strictly to the terms of our allegiance, for I have heard within the day from my friend Lampito of Sparta that the men of her country are already at work organizing a peace party to sue for terms. As your leader, so that all this may not be lost, I charge you to abandon your plans for immediate pleasure and to return at once to your duties, whatever they are, and I assign my comrade Nausica the task of seeing that you reach your assigned places safely.”

Without further delay or any open dissension whatever, the two frustrated women turned and walked away, followed briskly by Nausica, who brandished her stick a little to signify what might very well happen if they ventured to resist. They had gone no more than half a dozen yards before Myrrhine of Anagyra arrived breathlessly from another direction in a state of high excitement.

“Well, Myrrhine,” said Lysistrata, “it seems that every time I see you, you are coming in a great rush from someplace or other. What in the world is disturbing you now?”

“Lysistrata, you will never guess who has been permitted to come inside our lines, and if I told you, you would surely not believe me.”

“As to that, you had better tell me and find out, which will at least save a great deal of time, if it accomplishes nothing else.”

“It’s Cinesias.”

“Cinesias? You sound as if you were saying Pericles at the very least, but I would swear that you said Cinesias. Is it a secret, or would you be willing to tell me who Cinesias is?”

“Why, Cinesias is my husband, of course.”

“Oh, of course! I should certainly have realized immediately that he is your husband, though I have never heard his name spoken previously to my knowledge, for there is some kind of edict, I believe, which makes it impossible for you to have a husband of any other name.”

“It is not kind or even courteous, Lysistrata, for you to be so sarcastic on every occasion. It is getting so that one cannot consult you at all without getting blistered.”

“I’m sorry. You are right, and I must certainly exercise a greater patience. It is the constant stress of my responsibility that causes it. Tell me, Myrrhine, what does your precious Cinesias want?”

“Surely that can be assumed, Lysistrata. He wants what he is being deprived of, naturally. I am quite positive of this, though I ran directly here after hearing of his arrival and have not seen him or spoken with him yet.”

“Good. He is surely in an absolute frenzy to have taken such risks in coming to you, and we shall see that he is in no less of one when he leaves. I’ll tell you what we must do, Myrrhine. I’ll go and encounter him first, while you stand some distance away and out of sight. I’ll fan his fever by reporting how much you love him and how ardently you long for him, and all in all I’ll lead him to believe that he will surely consummate his mission here. When he has reached the precise point of readiness, I’ll call you to come, and you must carry on from there.”

“Carry on? What is the meaning of that?”

“Not what you clearly wish, I assure you. You must encourage him, excite him, and finally frustrate him utterly. This is essential.”

“Poor Cinesias! I doubt that I shall be able to treat him so shabbily.”

“Poor Cinesias, indeed! Poor Myrrhine is what you mean. Do you think I am not sensitive to your condition? If Lycon were to appear at this moment, I should be in a perfect state myself.”

“I doubt that I shall have the endurance to withstand his entreaties, Lysistrata, I truly do.”

“Don’t worry about that. I’ll be watching you at all times from near by, which is something you had better not forget. I guarantee that you will not be permitted to achieve a position from which you can’t retreat, or at least be rescued.”

“Well, you had better be prepared to act in an instant, if necessary, for I warn you that I am quite weak in situations of this sort and have practically no capacity at all for resisting temptation.”

“Never mind that. As I said, I will help you resist, if necessary, for I am not so susceptible as you are, though not invulnerable. Where is Cinesias now?”

“I was told that he is waiting near the Cave of Pan.”

“I’ll go there at once and talk with him. Remember, please, that you are to follow at a distance and not be seen until the proper time. Is that understood?”

Myrrhine said that it was, though with little conviction, and Lysistrata turned away and went directly to the area where Cinesias was said to be waiting. He was there, as reported, and she could detect the signs of his agitation as she approached. Assuming the ferocious scowl which she had found useful in matters of discipline, she accosted him boldly.

“What are you doing here, you reckless fellow? Are you aware that you could hardly have found a more perilous place if you had searched the world for it?”

“I am here looking for Myrrhine, if you want to know,” he said, “and I warn you not to trifle with me in the least, for I am bound to have her in spite of anything.”

“Well, you are a belligerent rascal, I’ll say that for you. Kindly identify yourself at once if you wish to escape being flayed alive.”

“I’m Cinesias of Anagyra, that’s who I am.”

“Myrrhine’s husband?”

“In name I am. In fact, as you well know, I can’t claim to be.”

“I do know, and I am, whether you believe it or not, filled with true compassion for you. It is very hard to go neglected for so long a time.”

“I’m happy to learn that you think so. Perhaps, in that case, you would be willing to alleviate my condition as a substitute for my irresponsible wife.”

“You mustn’t tempt me to such indiscretion. From what Myrrhine has reported, I am already disposed to accept your invitation.”

“What do you mean? What has Myrrhine said of me?”

“It would be simpler to tell you what she hasn’t said. She talks of you incessantly, and sometimes becomes rather a bore about it, to tell the truth, though I am now more inclined, after seeing you, to be tolerant in my judgment. She says, among other extravagant things, that you are handsome and tender and ingenious in love. I have myself heard her call out to you in her sleep, hugging herself in ecstasy all the while.”

“Do you know where she is?”

“As a matter of fact, I do.”

“Go get her at once, or take me to her.”

“I am filled with compassion for you, as I admitted, but it is forbidden to entertain men or to be a party to it. I’d be running a great risk in assisting you.”

“What could they do to you if you were detected?”

“They could thresh me with their sticks, that’s what they could do. This is the very least punishment I could expect and is no slight matter, I assure you. However, your own courage in coming here has inspired me to imitate it. If you will stay here quietly, I’ll send Myrrhine to you, and all I ask is that you practice a little discretion and promise not to involve me in anything unfortunate that may develop.”

“You will not be involved in any way. I promise.”

Leaving him in a state of greater agitation than ever, since his anticipation was now given a reasonable chance of fulfillment, Lysistrata retreated and exchanged places with Myrrhine, who approached Cinesias in turn. Lysistrata watched developments closely, prepared to advance in an instant if Myrrhine proved excessively susceptible and permitted things to get out of hand. The truth was, though she did not care to admit it, she had herself been severely tempted to indiscretion with Cinesias, more because of his simple availability than anything else, and she was for that reason more sceptical than ever that Myrrhine was to be trusted at all in such a delicate and critical situation.

“Myrrhine,” said Cinesias, “is it actually you?”

“It actually is,” said Myrrhine.

“I swear I have never seen you look so absolutely ravishing before. To be honest, I came here with the intention of beating you soundly before taking any other action, but now I have decided to change the order of things, and in fact I may not beat you at all.”

“That’s kind of you, I’m sure. And what comes first in the new order?”

“Why, love, of course. As a husband, I intend to love you at once in accordance with my rights.”

“Well, I have never denied that I love you and take pleasure in accommodating you, and I am not prepared to deny it now, but it must be clear even to you that certain things are not accomplished in certain places.”

“Tell me quickly what you mean, for I am not in a humor to discuss the matter at length.”

“It’s wide open here, as you can plainly see if you will look about you. Anyone who happened to come along could see us, and this would be, in my opinion, somewhat embarrassing.”

“That’s no great problem, if you are so modest. We’ll go into the Cave of Pan.”

“What would we lie upon?”

“So far as I’m concerned, the grass will be satisfactory.”

“Well, I’m not so common as to lie on the grass, even if you are, and I insist upon something more appropriate.”

“I’ll carry in a bench.”

“That might serve the purpose if we had some cushions.”

“I declare, Myrrhine, you seem determined to drive me to distraction. I simply can’t understand why you wish to make an issue of cushions at a time like this.”

“I am not going to break my back on a hard bench, whatever you may think of me. If you wish me to accommodate you in the Cave of Pan, you must find some cushions for the bench, and a cover besides.”

“That’s clearly impossible. Where would I find cushions and a cover here?”

“That’s your problem. If you are half so anxious as you pretend, you will manage. Moreover, we must have some perfume with which to scent ourselves.”

“Perfume! Do you expect me to carry bottles of myrrh in my chiton?”

“Perfume is essential, as you know very well. Only the most vulgar women accommodate unscented men.”

“Well, you may be as delicate and refined as you like, and you may cry to heaven for cushions and covers and myrrh, but I am tired of this intolerable evasion, and I propose to show you instantly just how vulgar a man can be when he is provoked sufficiently.”

Saying this, he leaped forward and seized Myrrhine by the hair, but Lysistrata charged at that moment from her place of observation with such ferocity, raising at the same time such a clamor for assistance, that he released his hold immediately and took to his heels. Not actually wishing to capture him, nor even knowing what disposition she would make of him if she did, Lysistrata gave up the pursuit and watched him disappear.

“Myrrhine,” she said, “you were truly admirable, and I want to tell you so.”

“I would prefer that you didn’t,” said Myrrhine, “for the truth is, I wish you had not felt called upon to interfere.”