Murky Waters

PROLOGUE

A small shaft of sunlight found its way through the blinds, inflicting pain on a pair of bloodshot eyes. Snapping her eyes shut, she rubbed her forehead and groaned. Her mouth was dry, and she felt like she had chewed on the pillow in her sleep. The overindulgence in alcohol the night before made itself known as she turned her head to take in her surroundings.

She fingered the blonde locks splayed across her chest before untangling herself from arms and legs. Standing slowly, her head began to pound. She picked up her clothes from the floor and dressed, hoping not to disturb the girl whose name she could not remember.

Without moving, the blonde spoke softly. “I suppose you don’t want to stay for breakfast. I know we agreed that this was only for one night, but I could at least make you a cup of coffee.” The blonde was also regretting the copious consumption of alcohol the previous night and whimpered when she opened her eyes to the morning light.

Running long fingers through her dark wavy hair, she sighed.

“That’s really not necessary. I don’t think I could handle it right now.” She pulled her shirt over her head, bent down and kissed the blonde on the cheek, and without saying a word, she left.

Suddenly feeling claustrophobic, she opened the sunroof and all the car windows. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she started toward home. A feeling of melancholy settled over her as it always did after such nights. She remembered the girl with whom she had spent the evening. The companionship was a welcome respite from the loneliness she felt deep inside. Most would see her actions as promiscuous, but what she had done the night before Murky Waters

was not about sex. It was her desire to be surrounded by the warmth and affection of another human being. Sex was for the pleasure of her partner alone.

As always, she made it clear up front that there would be no strings attached. She didn’t want any unpleasant misunderstandings when morning came. She did not want to get attached to anyone, nor did she want anyone attached to her. She viewed love as just a fleeting emotion. She’d never been in love and doubted that it really existed. She had come to the conclusion that she was incapable of loving anyone; therefore, no one could really be capable of loving her.

The morning was sunny and bright, and she wasn’t ready to return to a silent house. Instead, she stopped at a convenience store and bought a soda and a pack of cigarettes and drove around the lakes of the university. Still too early for the sunbathing and volleyball crowd, the small beach area was empty, and parking places were in abundance. Choosing a spot near a picnic area, she parked and sat alone at one of the tables, staring out at the lake.

Enjoying the warm summer breeze blowing through her hair and across her skin, she rolled up her sleeves and basked in the simple pleasure. She could still smell the slight scent of the blonde’s perfume and smoke intermingled on her clothes. It reminded her of how they had danced together the night before. She remembered how good it felt to hold her close and feel the warmth of her body pressed to hers. As she lit a cigarette, she wondered if her partner for the evening had sensed her desperate need for someone just to be close to.

Mentally, she acknowledged to herself that she had what most only dreamed of, an excellent job, a beautiful home, and a nice car, all the material things that one wanted in life. Still, the feeling of loneliness gnawed at her soul like a disease. She was torn, one side of her desiring to have someone in her life to share these things with and the other side believing that would always be unattainable.

Not one to have acquaintances, she only had a few close friends who had wormed their way into her heart. She did not share her feelings with them. Although she sensed they knew by some of the comments made in the past, still she would not allow anyone to know what she had kept held beneath the surface. She always 10

Robin Alexander

made it a point to lie about how happy she was. Keeping her darkest secrets well hidden had taken its toll over the years, and she was exhausted mentally, as well as emotionally, from the constant battle of maintaining a normal and happy façade. Her inner demons clawed at her soul and haunted her dreams at night, and her days were filled with guilt and remorse for the things she harbored inside.

To express her feelings would give voice to them. Once she opened the floodgate, it would all spill out, leaving her vulnerable and feeling exposed. She was unsure if it were her pride or her self-preservation mechanism that prevented her from doing so.

She had spent a lifetime carefully constructing the barriers that kept everyone at a safe distance.

Not a naïve person, she knew that life was not like the movies.

Two people meet, fall in love, and that love would carry them through all difficulties in life. Eventually, they would ride off into the sunset together. Such romantic notions made many a movie popular, but in reality, it always took a lot more than a simple emotion such as love.

In her cocoon, she was safe from such difficulties; nevertheless, the emptiness at times was unbearable. During such periods, she would go out to one of the bars, searching for a companion for the evening, as she had done the previous night. For a few hours, she would comfort herself by pretending that she was with the love of her life, and all her emotion and desire would be poured into that person. As always, the stark morning light would bring her back to reality, and the dark feelings would return.

Her silent ponderings were interrupted by the sound of a car pulling in next to hers. She watched as a young woman and a little girl emerged from the parking lot. They both smiled and bid her good morning. She watched with interest as the small child, clutching a bag of bread, ran toward the water’s edge, ignoring her mother’s pleas to wait for her. The woman caught up with her daughter quickly and opened the bag. They tossed the pieces of bread into the water, drawing the ducks closer for their morning meal. The little girl squealed and laughed as the hungry ducks swam nearer. Her mother knelt by her side with her arm lovingly and protectively around the girl’s waist. Neither noticed the dark-11

Murky Waters

haired woman wiping the tears from her eyes as she got into her car.

12

Robin Alexander