Off the Record

Chapter 26 KEEPING SECRETS

Guilt washed over Liz as fast as a cyclone cutting through a town.

She let Hayden guide her down the steps and to the street, where he hailed a cab. The whole walk she was in a daze. Part of her knew that she had enjoyed the kiss. She had even on some level wanted Hayden to kiss her. And that thought only made her feel worse. She had appreciated her time with Hayden—the openness, his interest in her career, all of the introductions. It was the complete opposite of Brady, and it gave her a headache, because what she really wanted was Brady to give her all of the things that Hayden had given her this weekend. But just because Brady wasn’t giving her those things didn’t mean that she should have taken them from Hayden.

The cab ride to Hayden’s place was quiet but comfortable. When they made it back, up the flight of stairs, and inside the apartment, Liz quickly retreated to the bedroom to change. She just needed a minute to breathe before saying good night. She didn’t know if she trusted herself to be alone with him much longer. She placed her hands down softly on the bed, closed her eyes, and tried to get the image of Hayden’s lips out of her mind.

Hayden appeared a minute later in the open doorway and knocked twice softly. “Hey.”

Liz turned to face him, her moment broken.

“Hey,” Liz said. He was in more comfortable clothes and his muscular chest stretched the thin cotton shirt. She looked away, not meaning to stare. She took a seat on the bed and stifled a yawn.

“I had a great time tonight.”

“Me too.”

Hayden walked across the room and took the seat next to her. Liz sat very still, not wanting to encourage him. It had been different when they had been on this bed in the middle of the day and she hadn’t thought anything would happen with Hayden. But now, with the feel of his lips still fresh in her mind, she couldn’t help tensing at his nearness.

“I’m glad you came this weekend,” Hayden said.

He reached forward, stroked her hair back behind her ear, and stared into her blue eyes. Liz swallowed when he didn’t move his hand from her face. He opened his mouth as if he was going to say something more, but Liz averted her gaze and he dropped his hand.

She looked down at her hands where they lightly gripped the bedspread. No matter what she felt for Hayden, she couldn’t let this continue when she had Brady on her mind. She couldn’t hear his sweet words that would convince her otherwise. She couldn’t taste his lips and allow her mind to get all muddled with the feel of him.

Hayden cleared his throat and stood. “Well, I’ll let you get some sleep.”

He reached forward and grasped her hand lightly in his. Her gaze rose to his automatically, and he stared into her eyes deeply as he placed a soft kiss on her hand. Her heartbeat picked up without warning and her lips parted as the intensity of his affection hit her.

“Good night, Liz,” he said, running his thumb across her knuckles.

“Good…good night,” she whispered.

He smiled down at her once before departing, and Liz released the breath she had been holding.

She liked Hayden. She had liked him for a long time. But she had thought that with Brady consuming her thoughts, her old affections for him wouldn’t resurface so easily. And now that she had these feelings bubbling up inside of her, she was torn. She wanted Brady to give her all the things Hayden had given her here in D.C. No matter what Liz felt about this weekend, she knew that it had opened her eyes to what she was missing with Brady.

The drive back to Chapel Hill felt twice as long as the drive to D.C. Alone in her car, Liz had too much time to think, and her conflicted heart weighed on her. She was having a hard time discerning all of the emotions crashing against her like waves. Half of the drive she felt as if she were drowning.

She didn’t know what she felt for Hayden. She knew she felt something, but what had once been so clear was all blurry.

And on top of everything, laced into every breath, she felt guilt. She felt it take root in her body the longer she drove.

Did I cheat? she wondered, the word tasting like bile in her mouth.

She didn’t know what to do. Brady loved her. He wouldn’t tell her and they couldn’t be public, but he loved her nonetheless. Not to mention he had made his feelings about another guy being near her perfectly clear.

Still, it had felt nice, even right sometimes, to be with Hayden—being out in public, hanging out, laughing, walking around—the list was endless. Those things felt perfectly right in a way that she had never felt with Brady.

Liz pulled up to her house a couple hours later. She was just happy to be home, and maybe here she could figure out what was warring inside her.

Made it safe, she jotted off a text to Hayden.

The response was nearly instantaneous.

Good. Thanks for coming up this weekend. Can’t wait to see you again when school starts.

Liz grumbled under her breath and tossed the phone back into her purse. A couple months ago she would have been jumping up and down for Hayden to respond so enthusiastically toward her, but now…

Well, now she was trying to figure out what to do about Brady Maxwell.

Victoria was lounging on the couch when Liz walked inside. She flipped over onto her stomach and propped her head on her hands.

“Hey, bitch! How was your trip? Did you have sex with your Hayden Lane?” she asked all at once.

“Nice to see you, too,” Liz said, tossing her bag on the floor and collapsing into a chair. “And no, I didn’t have sex with Hayden. I’m not you.”

“Ugh!” Victoria grumbled, flipping back over. “You’re no fun!”

Liz sighed. She wished she could tell Victoria everything that had happened all summer. She didn’t particularly like keeping things from her friend to begin with, but this was huge. This was like the Eiffel Tower of secrets…well, as far as secrets went for Liz.

Brady had taken over her life. He had changed her, and Liz was pretty certain that it was for the better. Their relationship was founded on hiding and secrets, yet at its core, she found only truth. And still it wasn’t enough.

With Hayden, she had the exact opposite. They were completely free to be open, he told all of his friends about her, and he seemed completely attentive. But he wasn’t Brady, and she couldn’t ever tell him about Brady.

Her eyes were suddenly cloudy with tears, because she knew then that in her heart what she really wanted was Brady. It had to be Brady. And yet…he couldn’t give her what she needed.

She could tell him how she felt, but it didn’t feel like enough. He had made it clear from day one that it was the campaign over her. It didn’t seem to matter to him that he loved her. He stood up for her against Heather and Elliott, but just so that he and Liz could keep doing what they were doing. And that wasn’t going to change.

“Vic,” Liz croaked, closing her eyes against the tears.

“What’s wrong?” Victoria asked. Liz opened her eyes to find Victoria kneeling in front of her. “Are you okay?”

She shook her head, wishing she could let it all out. Hiding things was too hard.

“Are you going to tell me what happened?” Victoria brushed Liz’s hair off of her face and rubbed her shoulder.

“I don’t know,” she muttered.

“Come sit on the couch with me,” Victoria said, taking her hand and guiding her to the sofa.

Liz flopped down and pulled her knees up to her chest. She felt ridiculous crying over this. She didn’t like to cry at all, and now she was crying over a guy? Ugh! She wanted to tell herself to get it together, but it wasn’t working. Maybe just today she would let herself feel the pain that she was experiencing over falling for the wrong guy.

“So, tell me,” Victoria said, wrapping an arm across Liz’s shoulders. “What happened?”

“He kissed me,” Liz sputtered out.

Victoria stiffened and Liz glanced up at her. She had an amused expression on her face. “You’re crying because Hayden kissed you?”

“Ugh! No!” she cried, shaking her head. “I can’t even right now, Vic.”

“Liz, come on. Didn’t you want Hayden to kiss you? I’m confused.”

“Yes, I did, but not now! I wanted him to kiss me before. I wanted him to want me then…when it would have mattered!”

Victoria scrunched up her eyebrows in confusion. “You’ve lost me. Why does it matter if it’s then or now? He kissed you. He wants you. I told you so.”

“Because…I’m seeing someone else,” Liz whispered, burying her head in her hands.

“What?” Victoria asked, flabbergasted. “Since when? Who? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Liz shook her head. “I can’t talk about it, but we’ve been seeing each other all summer.”

“Why can’t you talk about it?”

Liz looked up into Victoria’s eyes and sighed. “I just can’t, Vic. I haven’t told anyone about it. I mean, I just told you, but that’s it, and I can’t even tell you who it is. But he loves me, Vic, and I kissed someone else.”

“Whoa, love?” Victoria asked. “He told you he loves you?”

“Erm…” Liz muttered, biting her lip. “Not exactly, but I overheard him tell someone else.”

Victoria breathed out really fast and glanced away, as if she were thinking about the situation at hand. “Let me get this straight. You’ve been secretly seeing someone all summer, who you can’t tell me about, who you overheard tell someone else that he loves you, and you’re crying because another guy kissed you?”

Liz stood very still while Victoria laid out her situation plainly. If only she could tell her more, it wouldn’t sound so…silly.

“I don’t want to break your heart, Liz, but it sounds like that other guy is using you…”

“He’s not,” she answered immediately.

“Why does he have to keep it a secret?”

“I can’t talk about it…”

“Well, if it is that big a secret, then you can’t reasonably say that you two are dating. You have to be in a relationship for it to be wrong to kiss someone else. It kind of sounds to me like this guy is stringing you along…”

“Victoria, he’s not. I swear. He’s not.” Liz dropped her head into her hands. She didn’t even want to consider that Victoria’s words were true. She wished she could just tell Victoria what was going on. It would be so nice to have it all out in the open.

“Well, you won’t tell me the whole situation! From an outsider’s perspective, this sounds like a bad idea. You shouldn’t beat yourself up over a kiss with Hayden if you can’t even tell your best friend who the other guy is. I bet he doesn’t want you near other guys either, right?” Victoria asked, rolling her eyes.

Liz froze. Her tears dammed up. “He doesn’t, but I don’t know any guy who does.”

“I’ve been with a guy who wanted to keep things on the down-low, and let me tell you, it didn’t end pretty. He was seeing someone else on the side, all the while telling me not to see anyone else. I thought it was kind of stupid, but went along with it for a little while, because I was kind of into him. Then I find him sleeping with someone else and he doesn’t understand why I would be against that,” Victoria said, shaking her head. “All I’m saying is that a guy who wants to keep secrets from other people…is going to be okay keeping secrets from you…”

Liz wished that she could tell Victoria the whole situation. She wanted to so badly. “It’s not like that…”

“Then tell me who he is,” Victoria said, standing with her hands on her hips. “If it’s not like that, then tell me who this guy is.”

“I can’t tell you, Victoria! If I could, I would have told you already!” Liz cried.

“Seriously, I don’t get it. Why is it such a big deal?” Victoria demanded. “Can you at least tell me that?”

“No! I can’t!” Liz yelled back, pushing her hands into her hair.

“Ridiculous. What kind of guy forces you to keep secrets from everyone?” Victoria asked, pacing.

“I can’t explain it. But I don’t want to keep secrets anymore. I want to be out in the open. I want whatever we have to be all the time.”

Victoria rolled her eyes again. “I hate to be pessimistic about this, Liz. I want you to be happy, but this sounds like a recipe for disaster.”

Liz sighed heavily. It did sound like a recipe for disaster. Before, when it had just been about the sex, none of this mattered. But now it did, and maybe all along he was using her and stringing her along and it had been okay, because she was doing the same thing. Now that wasn’t what she wanted anymore. She wanted a relationship with Brady, which had its own set of problems.

“I know,” Liz finally whispered, pressing her hand under her eyes to wipe away the last remaining tears. “I guess I’ll have to talk to him.”

“That’s probably for the best,” Victoria said, sitting back down finally. “I’m sorry I made things worse. I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s okay.”

“You’re sure you can’t tell me. It might make me understand…”

“Vic,” Liz interrupted, “I can’t tell you.”

“Okay,” she said with a shrug. “Talk to this guy and tell him what you told me. See what happens. But Liz…”

“Yeah?” Liz glanced up into Victoria’s face.

“You didn’t do anything wrong by kissing Hayden. Don’t let anyone else convince you otherwise, all right?”

Liz sighed and nodded. If she hadn’t done anything wrong, then why did she still feel so bad?

The next day, Liz trudged onto campus bright and early to get her grade from her journalism professor. She hadn’t slept much, because she had been waiting for Brady to call her. He knew when she was coming back, so he could have called last night, but he didn’t. She would have to wait for Brady, as difficult as that was.

She walked through the journalism building until she found Professor Mires’s office. The door was open and a student was already inside talking to her. Liz took a seat in a chair outside of the room and waited.

She hoped that she looked okay, because she hadn’t taken any time with her appearance. Yesterday’s makeup still covered her face, and she had thrown her hair into a messy bun on the top of her head. She was run-down from not sleeping, and stressing her way through every imaginable scenario with Brady.

“Yes, thank you for stopping by,” Professor Mires said as the student who had been in her office exited. “Miss Dougherty, how are you?”

Liz stood and stifled a yawn. “Hello, Professor Mires.”

“You’re here for your grade, I presume?”

“I know you said in class that we could stop by on Monday and you should have our papers finalized.”

“In fact, I do. Come on in,” the professor said, gesturing for Liz to follow her.

Liz took the seat in front of the professor’s desk. Professor Mires wore her typical librarian glasses. Her brown hair was a curly mess, which explained why she always wore it in a bun. She had on a long blue skirt that dragged the floor, and a cream linen blouse. She took a seat in front of Liz and folded her hands in her lap.

“What are your plans for the next two years, Liz?” Professor Mires asked. “You are an upcoming junior, correct?”

“Yes, I am,” Liz said, straightening at the question. “I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking. I’m planning to finish my degree in journalism and work on the paper.”

“I understand that you’re a Morehead scholar and that your senior year, you must have an internship with a completed in-field research project. Had you thought about what you are going to do for this?” Professor Mires prodded.

“I had given some thought to working in-field at a Raleigh newspaper and commuting back and forth. I have a scholarship meeting with my advisor at the beginning of school to discuss possibilities,” Liz told her.

“Hmm,” she said, leaning forward and thumbing through a stack of papers on her desk. She extracted one from the pile and handed it across the table to Liz.

Liz took her paper eagerly. She flipped to the back page and saw the page filled top to bottom with red ink and a small A+ circled at the bottom. Liz inhaled sharply, unable to believe what she saw. She skimmed through the comments, which was one long glowing review of the article she had written.

“Thank you,” Liz muttered, glancing back up at her professor.

“I’m giving you an A in the class,” Professor Mires told her. “I know your performance was less than adequate at the beginning, but I’m a strong believer in improvement. And you went above and beyond. I challenged you, and you accepted the challenge with fervor. Each week you got better, but this”—she pointed at the paper—“this showed what you are really capable of. You’ve done a great job at changing your perspective, broadening your scope, and remaining objective. You should hold on to these skills. They’ll take you far.”

“Oh,” Liz said, “thank you.”

The one paper Brady had given her the idea for was the paper that her professor thought had changed her. She had worked hard all summer to achieve this A, really stretching her perspective and working toward what Professor Mires wanted from her. But she knew that Brady had helped with that. He had shown her politics from a different perspective entirely. She had been able to take what she had learned from him and layer it with what she already knew about the world, and that had helped her relate to her audience.

That man will be the death of me.

“Well, you convinced me to believe in your work with that last paper. It showed me that you can improve…and drastically in a short period of time. I’ve been looking for someone like that to help with my research. I’ve recently acquired a grant, and I’ll be doing research with several universities around the country and working directly with the Washington Post. Part of the funds will go toward putting together a colloquium regarding political journalism, and most of the North Carolina state papers as well as Wash Po, New York Times, and CNN have signed on to participate. I know that you are working on the university paper, and if you continue on the path with politics, then you will surely have your hands full, but I do hope you consider taking the time to work with me. I would be happy to sign off on your internship credit.”

Liz stared forward at her professor in shock, her mouth hanging open slightly.

“Are you interested, Liz?” Professor Mires asked.

“Yes! Oh, yes, I’m interested. I would be happy to help you in your research, Professor Mires. What will you need me to do?” Liz sputtered out.

“Great. I’ll be in contact more directly when school starts again. It might require some traveling, but all your expenses would be covered. Also, I do hope that it helps you make those contacts you need,” Professor Mires said with a smile.

“Thank you so much for the opportunity!”

Professor Mires nodded before standing. “Thank you for your hard work. I’m looking forward to having you onboard next semester.”

Liz smiled, her day brightening, and turned to exit her professor’s office. Standing in the doorway was the woman’s husband. He was holding a bouquet of sunflowers, with a giant smile plastered on his handsome face. Liz suddenly felt as if she was intruding on their moment and quickly ducked out of the office.

Her brain was buzzing as she walked back to her car. She couldn’t believe that Professor Mires believed in her work enough to entrust her with her grant research. Not only that, but Liz would be included in work with papers and political journalism outlets all over the country. This felt way bigger than anything she could do on the university paper.

She was so wired she almost missed her phone buzzing in her purse. She quickly answered the unknown number, noting that it had a North Carolina area code. “Hello?”

“Liz,” Brady said.

Liz stopped in her tracks in the middle of campus. Her mind quit working and she felt her heart skip. Damn, she had missed that voice.

“Are you there?”

“Yes, sorry,” she murmured. “I missed you.”

She hadn’t even meant to say it. Of course she had missed him. But with everything that had happened since she had left his house, it wasn’t the first thing she had thought she would spit out.

“I missed you, too.”

Silence dragged on the line for a moment as Liz waited for him to say something else.

“How was your trip?” he finally asked, breaking the silence.

“Good,” she said. “I got to see a lot of monuments and museums.”

“Sounds right,” he said. She heard shuffling on the other end of the line. “Hold on one second.”

Liz waited as he spoke with someone else. She imagined him at his office in Raleigh, directing people and deciding on strategies for the campaign. He was probably wearing a standard black suit with his typical red-white-and-blue tie. She was sure he had his campaign mask on, all smiles and charm.

Then she thought about that one night she had gotten to really see Brady, when they had gone over to Chris’s apartment. He had dressed comfortably, laughed, joked, and even made fun of himself. It had been relaxing to see him not on edge, as he was all the time. That was the Brady she wanted to be with.

“Sorry about that,” Brady said, breaking her out of her thoughts. “I can’t talk long. I have a meeting in a couple minutes. I wanted to find out your plans for the remainder of the week.”

“I don’t have plans until school starts again. Though I do have some exciting news!” she said, wanting to tell him about her professor.

“I can’t wait to hear it. I wish I could talk now, but I can’t. I’m going to the coast for a few days, mixing business with pleasure a bit. My family is spending the week at the beach before Clay goes back to Yale and Savannah starts at UNC. I’m meeting them in Hilton Head for the weekend. I have a couple meetings and a dinner to attend.”

“That sounds nice,” Liz said.

“I know I’m going to be really busy up until the primary, but I thought you might come to the coast with me.”

“Really?” she asked, surprised. She would have plenty of time to tell him about her job there.

“I would get you a hotel room near my parents’ place. I’m going to try to slip this by Heather so we have to keep it on the down-low, but I’ll take any opportunity to see you,” Brady told her.

“Oh,” she whispered, feeling the secrets pile up all over again.

“Baby…come see me,” he said in that tone that made her squirm. How could she resist him?

She needed to tell him about Hayden. She needed to figure out where this was going. She needed to tell him how she felt.

Most of all, she just needed to see him.

“All right. What do I have to do?”