Other people

Forty-seven Koslak

I knew a guy what did time for knocking off cars. He came to me last winter when his regular fence had the flu to see if I could lay off a Buick quick. He was the one told me the clink, when you get used to it, it's like anything else.

"But they don't let you do what you want to do," I told him.

He laughed like I'm some nut.

Well, it's worse because they make you do what you don't want to do. I wrote to Mary: Tell Brady the hacks are nothing in this place compared to the other prisoners.

When I'd asked the guy with the Buick about sex, he said, 'They ain't gonna cut your hand off."

He must of knowed. He was just stringing me along, figuring I'd find out soon enough.

The last day Harry was out on bail, that was the worst. I thought we ought to take the kids out in the park, you know, for a walk, kind of to say goodbye. I told him private before we went out that he shouldn't let on where he was going, a business trip, he would be away awhile, et cetera. The kids hear about other fathers going on business trips, so it wouldn't seem so different.

So we're in the park with Mike and little Mary. Harry sits down on a bench, the kids are standing in front of him, he brings their faces real close. I'm like turning away because it's his private discussion with them, and he says, "I got something to tell ya."

You know how kids are. They look fuzzy-faced, what's so special, you're telling us something all the time.

Harry says, "Pay attention."

Mike's a restless kid, he's ready to go running off, and Harry's got his hand on Mike's arm. Mike says, "You're hurting me," and Harry says, "I'm sorry. Look, kids, I'm going away on a business trip."

He looks at both of them, waiting for them to say something. Finally, he says, "I'm going away for a long time. Say something." And Mike says, "Goodbye," and he goes running off to play.

Harry says to little Mary, "Aren't you going to say something?" And she opens and closes her hand the way she waves bye-bye, and that's it.

So we go stash the kids with my mother, cause I figure Harry, he wants to be alone with me for a while. Last chance, and all that.

When we're going back upstairs, we pass the landing on the second floor and I'm thinking if it wasn't for the Widmer woman, we wouldn't be a family splitting up. I seen her around, her nipples showing through her dress like a whore, what did she expect?

"Listen," I say to Harry when we get up to the apartment, "you coulda won the trial."

"Who says?"

"All the women I talk to, they say rape is something you just can't prove without witnesses."

"What are you talking to them about me for?"

"They don't know I'm talking about you, Harry. Just in general. I don't know why you pleaded guilty to whatever that charge was, the other one."

"I did what I did," said Harry.

"What's that mean?"

"I pay a lawyer to listen to his advice, right? He says it's a crap shoot. If we go to trial, I could get ten years in the jug. That'd finish me. You'd be old when I got out, you wouldn't want that? This way, with good behavior, I might be out in two, three years."

"You could have won. You could stay out!"

"Now, Mary," he said, taking me by the shoulders, "Brady told me they had something, the lawyer for the other side."

"Had what?"

"Proof I guess."

"What kind of proof? I don't believe it. Maybe Brady's just too lazy to do the whole trial."

"Brady's not that kind of guy."

"How do you know?"

"I know. Anyway, I did it, it's too late."

I wasn't convinced. I watched Harry moping around the kitchen. We don't want to be arguing, this being his last day.

"What are you thinking?" I asked him.

"I was thinking," he said, "it'll seem funny not driving a car. I mean for a couple of years."

Well, I blew. "What about money?!" I let loose at him. "What am I supposed to do, go on welfare, turn tricks, what?!"

"You could get a job."

"What do I do with the kids?"

"Your mother could take care of them. It's just a couple of years."

"What about the kid in the oven," I said, tapping my belly.

"You could work for a while."

"Two months. Three months. Doing what? I have no experience."

That's when he told me about the money. "There's five hundred in each envelope." He told me where to find the first one. "Go get it," he said.

It was there. I counted the money.

"When you visit me, I'll tell you where there's another. I got enough of them stashed away."

"Why don't you tell me now?"

Harry looks at me. "How do I know I can trust you? If you had it all, you could do anything, run away with some fellow, leave the kids—"

"Are you crazy?" I shout at him. "I'm pregnant."

"So what. Lots of fellows don't care if a woman's pregnant. Listen, Mary, I want you to be faithful, you understand?"

"I'm not going to be doing anything different than what I been doing," I said, thinking of Jason. Damn Harry, anyway, he does something and I'm getting punished. Suppose he decides not to tell me where the other money is. Suppose he gets killed in prison, I'll never know where the money is.

"Oh Harry," I said to him, "what was so special about her cunt? If you stuck with mine you'da stayed outa trouble!"

That was when he whacked me across the face hard. Later, he tried to put his arms around me, to make up, but I wasn't going to fuck around with him, not after that whack in the face, not even on his last day.

Once I was in the can, I thought a lot about that last day. The kids would be nearly twice as old when I got out. Slapping Mary was all wrong. Maybe in here is a good place for me to learn to control myself better.

Trouble is, there are guys in here who don't leave you alone. I figured Badger for trouble when I first seen him. Six of us sitting in the can, three facing three, and this six-foot guy with the bald head comes in, looks around, and says to me, "Hold it!"

"What do you mean hold it?" I says.

"Get up."

I'm not one of these people can let go by snapping a finger. I gotta work up to it. And here I was about ready, but I look at the other guys and get the feeling I ought to do what this guy says, so I get up, and he sits down on that pot and I gotta wait till there's another one.

I ask around about Badger. They say don't ever challenge something he says.

When I run into Badger again it's in the shower. I figure it's best to be on his good side so I say, "Hello, Badger."

I'm being friendly and what does he say?

"Hello, Cossack," he says.

There are four or five other guys in the shower, so I says slow so he can hear every syllable, "My name's Koslak."

Like he didn't hear me he says. "You know what a cossack is?"

Maybe this guy thinks I'm dumb like some of the others. "Sure," I says. "Cossacks and horses."

"What about cossacks and horses?"

"They ride 'em," I says.

"You ever ride a horse, Cossack?"

"Koslak," I say.

The other guys in the shower are like mummies. They stop soaping. They just stand under the water watching.

"Hey Cossack," Badger goes on, "you ever get ridden?"

One of the guys makes a little laugh. Badger looks at him and the guy freezes.

"I see you don't understand too much, Cossack," Badger says. "That's okay. Just lean over. Put your hands on that bench."

"Now wait a minute!" I say. I've beaten up bigger guys than Badger. Places where you can swing a bottle. I'm looking at the other guys. I don't want a couple of them grabbing me. Badger, he reaches up to the shower head. He's got something taped up there. He yanks it free of the tape and opens the blade, running his thumb on the edge.

"You copped your plea before you got here," Badger says. "Now put your hands down and spread."

I stood where I was.

"Hey, fellows," says Badger. "This virgin's shy. Why don't you all get out of here."

They jostle each other getting out, even the ones with soap still on them. The last one out is Steve, and Badger says, "Steve, hold on to this outside, okay?" and he closes the knife and flips it to him.

"We don't need that, Cossack, do we?"

"What are you going to do?" I says.

"I'm going to seduce you."

"I ain't queer," I says.

"Nobody's queer, Cossack." He puts his fingers on my shoulder and kind of runs them down my arm. It feels funny. I don't like the way it feels.

It's like as if he's reading my mind, he says, "You're gonna like everything after a while, Cossack," and suddenly he slaps me on my ass real hard.

"What'd you do that for?" I says.

"You want me to be gentle, huh?" He puts his hand on my ass and just holds it there. I move away. He puts it there again. I quick like steal a look at his dong, which is getting hard.

"You cold, Cossack?"

"Nah."

"It gets real cold sometimes," he says, "I can make you feel warm."

"I told you I'm not queer."

"Look, Cossack, if you got your eyes closed and somebody's sucking you, how do you know it's a woman or a man? I want you to be good pussy to me, right? Steve!" he calls out.

"I'm here," says Steve from outside.

"We don't want Steve with us, Cossack. Just you and me. Like a private date. Friends. Fucking good friends."

Badger has talked himself into one big hard on. Holding it he says, "Would you like to suck it?"

I shake my head.

"I didn't think so," he says quietly. "So just turn around and put your hands on that bench and spread."

"I don't want to."

"I don't want to," Badger imitates me in a squealing voice. He grabs my hair, twists so hard I thought my neck was going to snap. "I don't care if you want to or don't want to. I want to, understand!"

I'd kill this guy if he wasn't so big.

"Steve!" he yells. "You want seconds?"

"No," I say. "Just you. Just once."

"That's a nice pussy," he says, and puts his hand on my cock, all of his fingers stroking, and I don't like the idea. His thing is purple now, looks bigger than anything I ever saw, then he grabs my hips and twists me around.

"Hands on the bench," he orders, and then I feel him, it can't get in, it hurts like anything, he's shoving, shoving, and then he's in and moving in and out, and I'm thinking never again, never again, and he yells, "Hey, Steve, this virgin's got a real tight ass, come look," and I shake my head no, and Badger's saying, "Cossack, you're so good you're going to be my steady pussy, real regular," and I know when I get out of here I'm gonna find Widmer wherever she is and I'm going to kill her dead for ratting on me!