Phoebe Kissagen ,or the remarkable adventures, schemes wiles and devilries of une maquerelle

Letter VI

FROM LADY LESBIA GOWER TO PHOEBE.

Since I penned my last billet, my dear Phoebe, the Devil has made a fine conversion in this place.

For more than a fortnight, I nightly entertained my young visitors, no one in the hiouse, save us three, having the slightest idea of what was going on.

At length one unlucky morning, just as Master Evelyn was coming down by the grape vine, about five in the morning, who should see him but the gardener. (I must tell you, though, that we had passed a most delicious night, but had unfortunately all fallen asleep in each other's arms, and did not wake till that hour).

To resume. The gardener saw him. Now this fellow — a green eyed, red-headed Scotchman, was jealous of his fruit. Starched Presbyterian was written in every line of his wizened visage, and he was iill-natured as he was ugly. "Very well,Master Evelyn," cried he, "very well, sir! I'll take care my leddy is made to ken o' your doings; getting up at peep o'day to steal the grapes. A'weel!

A'weel! its an awful sinful wurld!"

The boy only laughed at this tirade, and snapping his fingers in the face of Mr Macdoodle, ran away.

My cousin, Lady B, appeared awfully solemn when she entered the breakfast room, and gravely saluting Julia and myself, never noticed poor Evelyn. She read prayers with a deeper conventional twang than usual, and as soon as they were over, and the servants retired, the storm burst forth.

"I am excessively annoyed and displeased with you, Evelyn," the good lady began; "I hoped that the deeply religious training you had undergone in this house, would have produced better fruits.What! you, who I am bringing up to be a gentle; man, demean yourself by being a thief! Fie! I am ashamed of you. To get up at five in the morning and like a stable boy, to climb my grape vine, at the peril of your life, to steal my grapes! Naughty, naughty boy. What do you think, sir, will become of your soul? There!" continued my cousin, gettng herself up, "never look at me in that smiling manner. I will give you something to laugh for, I promise you!"

Here I ventured to intercede for my favorite. I told her he was young, that after all, it was a boy's frolic, and that it was more for the fun of the thing than for the grapes, as they were not near ripe yet.

But all would not do; he must be flogged, she said, and that it might be well done, she would do it herself.

The meal over, she led the poor boy to a room at the top of the house, and seeing that I and Julia were about to accompany her, she stopped us.

"As for you, Julia, I am surprised that you should think of coming. It would be highly improper for a young lady of your age to see a naked boy, but you, cousin, can help me to hold his legs, so do you come if you please."

As soon as we reached the attic, Lady B. Made Evelyn lean across an old table, and fastening his hands to the legs of it, undid his breeches and pulled them down to his ancles; then begging of me to hold his legs fast, which I did with much regret, she drew a formidable birch from a closet, and, after another jobation on the heinousness of his offence, commenced laying on without mercy.

At first the poor lad roared out most lustily, but after the first dozen cuts he became quiet, and turning his head round to me, on the opposite side from where Lady B. was standing, I saw the rogue was laughing. His innocent little cock began to swell, and soon stood out in its noblest proportions.

I saw my cousin glance at it, first with a look of amazement, then of visible pleasure; she turned red and pale by turns, then relaxed her blows, and finally stopped altogether.

"Thank you, cousin," said she, "do not let me detain you longer, besides, I want to talk privately to this bad boy. I shall be down stairs soon."

I shut the door behind me and went down the first flight of stairs with some noise, then slipping off my shoes, I ran up again, taking two steps at a time. When I peeped through the key-hole I observed Lady B. had untied Evelyn's hands, and was sitting in a chair with the boy in her lap; one arm was round his waist, while the other grasped — could I believe my eyes — yes, grasped his stiff cock!" I am sorry, my dear boy," she was saying, "I am sorry I hit you so hard, but you will not do so any more, will you? "(Chafing his prick,) " No aunty, indeed I won't, "answered the boy demurely.

"And how long is it, my dear, since your little thing took to swelling in this extraordinary manner?"

"Ever since I was seven years old," answered Evelyn; "a nursery maid my mother had used to I sleep with me and play with it every night, and so it began to grow, until it gets sometimes as big as you see."

"Extraordinary!" cried Lady B., trembling all over, a and what else used the naughty nursemaid to do?"

"Why, she used to throw me on her belly, and put it into the place between her legs."

"And you liked that, I suppose?"

"Oh, yes; very much indeed," said the little rogue, with an arch smile. I saw the saint was thawing fast, and was exceedingly amused.

"Suppose I was to let you do that to me," hoarsely whispered the salacious woman, squeezing her legs together, "should you like it?"

"Oh, dear aunty, of all things," laughed the boy.

"Well, then, so we will, my darling; but mind, you must not tell."

"I tell! oh, never! never!"

Then my cousin drew up her clothes, raising her knees and opening her thighs, showed me once more that beautiful cunt, with its fringe of soft black hair, and guiding him in, they were soon bounding and heaving with all the fervour of love. Thrice did she make him repeat the dose ere she was satiated; and then, and not till then, did she allow him to fasten up his small clothes.

"Now Evelyn," said she, you have only to be prudent and cautions, and come and see me sometimes in my bed room at night, and your fortune's made; in future you shall do just as you like. You shall have a pony to ride and plenty of money, fruit, wine, and anything you please. The horrid gardener I will send away, and you shall be perfectly happy. I thought, "said the frail woman, passing her hand across her heated brow, that these passions were extinguished in me for ever, but God's will be done. I see I am only a sinner after all, when I thought myself a saint!"

"All right, aunty, "and we shall go up to town, and go to the opera, and the play, and I shall have an embroidered suit, and plumed hat and sword, shan't I, aunty?"

"Bless the boy, how he does run on," cried Lady B., opening her eyes. "But, come, we must not stop here any longer. One kiss."

I ran down stairs, and picking up my shoes, rereated to my room. Here I found Julia in tears and very unhappy, but locking the door I quickly reassured her, by relating all I had seen and heard, to her inexpressible surprise.

"The fact is, my dear Julia," said I laughing. "I knew your aunty, as you may suppose, being her cousin, many years ago, when she was quite young, long before her late fit of piety seized her, and I assure you, no girl ever relished an intrigue more. I should think at least fifty gallants had her at different times, prior to her marriage with the old earl, whose title she now bears. But after her marriage she became all at once very correct and pious.But that which is bred in the blood cannot long be kept down by the spirit. So the saint is become a sinner again, as I have just seen and heard."

"I only hope," cried Julia, "that she won't engross Evelyn all to herself."

" Oh, never fear," I answered laughing, "'tis a lad of spirit, and having her in his power, he will take care she does not baulk him in his other little affairs of love, you may depend."

"Then you think this is rather a fortunate occurrence?"

"That I do, indeed," said I. "But, my dear little girl, do pray gamahuche me a little, I am so excited with what I have seen, that I can hardly endure myself."

Just at the height of tittilation we heard a rapping. Julia jumped off me and hid under the bed,while I opened the door. It was Evelyn, radiant with joy. A triumphant fire shot from his beautiful eyes, and he shook back his clustering chesnut hair like a conqueror.

"I congratulate you, Evelyn," said I.

"How you congratulate me?"

"Ma foi! yes. You played your part to perfection."

"Played my part!" said the cunning fox, "what? how? I dont understand."

"The deuce! the boy is fidelity itself," and I laughed heartily.

"Then the dence take me if I know what your ladyship means."

"Nonsense, Evelyn, I was looking through the key-hole."

"Whew!" exclaimed the young rascal, making a droll face. "You were peeping, Lady Gower,were you? then I have done."

The dear boy caught me in his arms; and bussed me, while little Julia, looking rather jealous, put up her pretty face for one also.

My cousin, after this adventure, gradually returned to her old jovial life; drawing off from her sanctified friends one by one, she at length got rid of them all. But it became evident to her that she must also purge her house of all her "serious" servants, a for there seemed a mutiny brewing, in consequence of the altered state of things. No prayers, or prayer meetings, but lots of fiddling, fetes champetres, and frolic. I therefore proposed to her to return my visit, by coming back with me to London.

" You know, my dear Thalia," said I, "my house in Cavendish square is large enough to hold you all. I am like you, a widow, with no one to control my actions, and we shall be free to enjoy ourselves and live over a gam with these young creatures, the voluptuous sort of life we both enjoyed before matrimony cast over us the veil of starched propriety."

"But my dear Lesbia, how about my thirteen servants here?"

"Well, if you take my advice, cousin, you will shut this musty old place, with its clock towers,gables, and gloomy mullioned windows, dreary corridors, etc.; shut it up, my dear Thalia; place old John and his wife in charge on board wages, pay up the others, with a months wage over and above, and send them about their business."

"How you do rattle on, Lesbia! I declare you are the same madcap you ever were. What you say, however, is all vastly fine, but you forget I have let my town house for a term of years, and when my visit to you is over, where am I to go?"

"Stuff!" said I, "visit over indeed! Why of course stay with me altogether, and we'll take the children to the play, and to Ranelagh, we'll have routs and balls, and be very merry and happy."

"Oh, very well, dear, as you please," said my cousin.

So, my dear Phoebe, here we all are at my house in Cavendish square.

Evelyn and Julia are charmed with the change. The spacious suites of apartments, furnished en Louis XV, the sumptuous hangings, the marble hall and staircase, the splendid laced liveries of the well powdered lasqueys, and my sedan chair, lined with rose satin, to say nothing of my coach and six, was almost turned their heads, besides the great bards and persons of quality who are calling here eveery day, to pay their respects.

But all this will not much interest you, my Phoebe. You, who like best a good practical fucking episode — have at you then.

Four chambers, each opening into the other by means of a sliding panel, constitute our sleeping apartments, and thus we can receive or visit each other whenever we like, and yet the servants be perfectly ignorant of what is going on.

Thus, in one or other of these rooms, are enacted frequently the most voluptuous scenes.

Sometimes we form the position called "the pyramid." My cousin and I both kneel naked on the foot of the bed; Julia mounts us with a knee upon each of our backs, and a hand upon each of our shoulders. Then Evelyn, standing naked on a chair, describes a triangle, the apex whereof is Julia's cunny, into which he pokes his prick for awhile, then lowering it, gives Thalia a few thrusts, and afterwards gives me the like satisfaction. This is good fun, and the game of "one, two, three," as we call it, often lasts half an hour.

At other times we throw a dark green coverlid over the bed, and all three, stark naked, lie thereon, in the most tempting attitudes. This in our allegorical language, we call, "the garden," the velvet coverlid is the lawn, and we are the flowers, while Evelyn, in his character of "the bee" flies from one cunny to the other sipping with his tongue the sweets. "The garden" terminates with a regular fucking and gamahuching match, in which all take part.

At other times we divert ourselves with a masquerade, each person dressing in their own rooms. As soon as, by a preconcerted signal, we know that all have finished their several toilets, we mass ourselves, put ont all the lights, and feel our way to the room selected for that evening. So soon as all are assembled, a light is brought, and fifty wax candles soon shed their lustre on the scene. Let me describe it to you.

First, there is a gay gallant attired in a rich pompadour suit, diamond hilted sword, bag, and solitaire. His plumed hat under his arm, and his jewelled hand on hip, the beau ideal of one of the young bloods on town. This gallant is myself.

Next there is an elderly stout gentleman attired in black, with shovel hat, like a village parson. This personage is my cousin, Lady B.

Close by is a blooming girl, with spotted gown, scarlet boddice, short petticoats, hobnailed shoes, broad brimmed straw hat, and chesnut curls down her back. This lovely lass is Evelyn.

Next is a charming shepherd boy, with pipe and crook, a la Watteau.

These were the dramatis personoe, all being masked, and none of us knowing, except from conjecture, who the other was. Herein lay the sport.

To make the transformation the more complete,each of the male characters was furnished with a dildoe, the gallant and the parson with big ones, the little shepherd boy with one of smaller dimensions, so that the country girl stood a poor chance.

All being ready, the gallant made his approaches to the country lass.

The parson tackled the shepherd, and the fail commenced.

"Pon honour," began the gallant, "you are a vastly pretty creature, my dear, and have the finest face I ever saw, damme! How old are ye my dear?"

"Seventeen years and a quarter come Martinmas, an't please ye, sir," replied the girl, dropping a curtsey.

"And you've some pretty little bubs here, I'll warrant," cried the gallant, thrusting his hand into her breast.

"Oh, la! fie Sir! doant, doant!"

"Yes, but I mast and will, damme! Don't think I'in to be put off that way!" and he thrust his hand up her clothes.

"Oh lord! marcy! what are you arter? Oh my!now you've been and pulled all my clothes up behind. Well, I never! what is that? what is that?" for the gallant had displayed his prick (otherwise dildoe) and was thrusting it in the rear of the country girl.

While this scene was enacting between these two, the parson became very loving with the shepherd boy, caressing him in a manner not at all clerical. At length unbuttoning his flap, he let out an enormous cock (dildoe again) and letting down the boy's breeches, menaced him in a manner truly alarming; then passing his hand in front, he began to toy with a stiff little affair (i. e. dildoe № 3) as he shot in behind.

Meanwhile the country girl (Eyelyn) and the gallant (myself), not finding much satisfaction in the attitude they had taken up, shifted it. The country lass lay on the bed, I dropped off dildoe, his long,erect prick entered me, and a fuck long and rapturous ensued.

A double dildoe also enabled the parson (lady B) and the shepherd boy (Julia) to gratify their mutual inclinations, and yet maintain the delusion of the masque.

At length, as the clock chimed twelve, the masks were flung aside, and each recognised their companion.

"Well, I declare," exclaimed Evelyn, "I really thought you were aunty."

"And I," cried Julia, "imagined that in his reverence I had recognised dear Lady Gower! See how one may be deceived."

Then we sat down to a delicious collation, and whiled away an hour at quadrille, or lasquenette; both games you used to like, dear Phoebe.

Then we had a few songs, accompanied by the lute, and after that to bed. Another amusement is the bath, and my house contains a large one, worthy the name, in which twenty people could all bathe at once commodiously.

This bath, which is entirely of marble, was constructed for me by an Italian architect. It is circular, and the exact model of a small temple of Venus at Nola. It is in the Cornithian style, and lighted from the centre of the dome by an ceil de boeuf.

All round the piscina in the centre of the chamber, is a platform for the accommodation of the bathers, and marble statues representing water nymphs the size of life, and the marble slightly tinted resembles life; so that when we were all splashing about in the water, if a stranger had entered, he would have taken those reclining statues for some of our party, so life-like did they appear.

There are many worse things than a fuck in the water. I have, as a child, often watched the ducks at this fun, and most amusing it was. I little thought then that I should ever be "duck fucked," as we call it.

We swim about in all directions, imitating ducks.

"Quack, quack!" Then follows the old drake, repeating the cry, and presently jumps upon one of us (the drake of course being Evelyn), then the duck attacked, dives, and the stiff tool of Mr Drake is foiled for that turn.

You have no idea of the excitement and fun of this game, only it is necessary that both the men and women who play at it should be good swimmers, as there is no sport at all unless the water is at least seven feet deep.

Many a hot summer's afternoon have I passed at this game, since my cousin and her proteges came up to town, and believe me there are few things like it.

Here we are, then, a united happy family, and here I hope my fair guests may long remain.

The two children — who are of course, dressed in the extremity of the mode — really appear most bewitching. They are made so much of by my friends and acquaintances, that I almost fear they will become conceited and spoiled.

But I think I have now told you all I have to tell, so adieu, my old friend.

Your own

Lesbia