Phoebe Kissagen ,or the remarkable adventures, schemes wiles and devilries of une maquerelle

Letter I

TO LADY G…. R.

Madam,

Your billet came safe to hand, and I honoured by your ladyship's commands,in duty bound, I shall obey to the best of my ability. You express surprise, my lady,should be so expert with my pen; perhaps ladyship is not aware that Sir Charles took a deal of trouble with my education; being naturally of quick parts, I profited by the instruction of the good genttleman. Then his conversation was ful to me, for he could talk history I devoutly believe, knew by heart every particular of all the amours of our kings and queens from the days of Guinevere, the fair, frail spouse of King Arthur; but what most delighted him were the witty memoirs of the Comte de Grammont, in which a full account is given of the voluptuons Court of Charles II. So it came to pass that what with hearing him read out of that book, and tell anecdotes he had read elsewhere, I gained an insight to men and manners, and, as courtesy and the politeness are the same in every age, I learnt the meaning of those qualities, and also gained some knowledge of taste.

But while I have been running on about myself,your ladyship is doubtless dying with impatience to have your letter answered.

I am requested to tell your ladyship all I can concerning poor Sir Charles' last moments-a melancholy subject, madam, which I would fain not have alluded to. Ah! my lady, what a gallant gentleman he was!

After our retreat into Herefordshire (which your ladyship may remember, was in consequence of that unfortunale duel,and lady Cecilia's elopement), my master never' seemed the same man at all.

Whether his wound was the cause, or what it was I cannot say, but he seemed to grow old and peevish, as it were, — all at once; and although he survived that, event seventeen years, and for five of them had Miss Medley, besides Chloe and myself, for his mistresses, and continued very fond of toying with us,seeing us naked, gamahuching, and the like, he never performed the act of love with that vigour,which formerly characterised him. He would sit by the window, looking dreamily out into the noble park which surrounds S*… n Hall, listening to the melancholy rustling of the trees, for hours.

Your ladyship knows what a singular penchant Sir Charles had for young girls; this taste of his grew upon him largely. He cared no longer for girls of twelve or thirteen, nothing would do then,but we must furnish him with pretty children, mere babies of six or seven. These little girls it was his delight to gamahuche, and at length he became impotent unless one or two of them were present when he desired our company, upon which Miss Medley Chloe, and I made very sad reflections.

At length one evening — well do I remember it — the 3rd of December, Sir Charles sent for me to his chamber.

' Phoebe, 'says he, ' I feel quite myself this evening, and am resolved to dress,go, child, and tell cook to let us have a good supper, — a roasted pheasant, or something of that sort. Here are my keys; get out some wine from № 8 bin; mind, with the green seal. Damme, we'll make a night of it.'

I obeyed his orders, and then returned to the dressing-room. Sir Charles was gay and merry;already he had donned his best wig and ruffled shirt; his rich embroidered suit, the — one made for him by Rivierre, of Paris, and which he had not worn for an age, lay on a chair near him.

The good gentleman was full of fun, and took all sorts of liberties with me while I helped him to dress, which you may be sure pleased me mightily,as they proved what excellent spirits he was in.

Going down at lenght into the long drawing-room,where a large fire burned brightly upon the hearth,he rang for Chloe and the little girls, with whom he amused himself till supper was ready, telling with great glee many of his old droll stories and double entendres; in short, he outdid himself by the brilliancy of his conversation, and the sparkle of his wit. I quite regretted'Mrs. Jackson (Miss Medley as used to be) was not present.

When supper was ready, he did the honours with his usual grace, drank bumper after bumper of Burgundy, and enjoyed himself as I had not seen him do for many a long year.

Supper over and the door fastened, the real fun of the evening commenced. Nothing would do but he must display before us some of his former vigour.

So, calling upon Chloe (who I must acquaint your ladyship, has grown up into a very fine woman) to kneel upon the sofa, he tossed up her clothes, and displayed to view her large, white dimpled posterior,beneath which might now be seen that no longer hairless cleft, the sweet sign of her sex, a rosy portal, which stood partly open to receive his wand.

While I was expecting the young girls to be called forward to gamahuche him, to the surprise of us all, Sir Charles undid his flap, and displayed his truncheon, hard and erect in all the pride of its former days. So without more ado, he caught a good hold of Chloe round the hips, and was into her in a minute. She, nothing loath, received him with hearty welcome, and began to wriggle and twist in good style.

In about ten minutes Sir Charles had done the trick, and lay upon her firm breasts,panting with delight.

When he had a little recovered himself, and had a glass of wine, he took the two little naked girls,placed one astride his pego, while he gamahuched the other. Then, being again ready for action, he led me to the sofa, and telling me to lie upon my back, commenced upon me quite en regie, Chloe,and the children skilfully manipulating meanwhile.

Nothing could exceed the furore with which he played his part, covering my face, neck, and breasts with kisses.

Suddenly a tremor seized him, he spent, and lay prone upon me like a log! Why was he so heavy? What meant that glassy sjtare? Oh, horror! — I lay joined to a corpse! Sir Charles was dead.

So soon as I became aware of this terrific fact, I struggled from under the body, and rising up, saw with feelings I can never forget, the awe-inspired countenances of my companions.

But my usual presence of mind came to my aid.I re-adjusted his dress, and laid the body gently on its back on the sofa, which bore the evidences of loves highest raptures.

How suitable a bier for the man! Alas! poor Sir Charles! I sent the children, under the care of Chloe,to bed. I put the room a little in order, and then,but not till then, did I pull violently at the bell, and summon the servants,

Three or four came running in.

" Quick! 'said I, 'run and fetch the doctor, you will find him at the Rectory, I heard him say he was going to have a rubber with the parson this evening.Run Sir Charles is in a fit!

They disappeared like lightning, for all his servants loved him, and I, yes, I was left alone with the corpse. Yes, there it lay in its embroidered suit,the waxy fingers glistening with gems, and the diamond shoe buckles flashing light. So still!Could this be the gallant Sir Charles? I could stand it no longer, and fairly blubbered like a child, for let me tell your ladyship, I truly loved that man!

In an incredibly short space of time, the doctor arrived, and he told me at once what I had previously understood — his old friend and benefactor was dead.

There was an inquest, when the jury returned the verdict: «Died by the visitation of God,» which for my part, I consider very ridiculous, as the doctor told those wiseacres that it was disease of the heart..

After the funeral, we received a visit from the lawyer of Sir Charles, who informed Chloe and myself very politely that three thousand pounds each had been bequeathed to us. He added that the heir would be down next day, and he thought we should see the propriety of leaving the Hall before his arrival, and he hoped we should take the children with us, as no provision appeared to have been made for them.

To these propositions we consented, and left that same night. Three days afterwards we were in London.

We found comfortable lodgings in a street over against St. Martin's Church; at Charing Cross, and I at once gave Chloe her cue. I was to pass for widow, whose husband, a ship captain, had been drowned three years before. Chloe was my sister,the little girls my children. With this view, I told them they were always tp call me mamma,and Chloe aunt. Poor innocents! they had no recollection of a mother, having both been kidnapped by gipsies, from whom I bought them for Sir Charles, nor have I the least idea of the condition of life from which they had been removed.

Having thus cleared the ground, we were prepared with a ready tale, when the next morning our officious landlady with the curiosity of her class, began, while setting the breakfast things,to put the usual pumping questions.

That good woman having forced out, as she thought, all she wanted to know, and seeing our purses were well filled, left us at length with a profusion of courtesies.

In the course of the morning, sending for a coach,and taking the children with us, we set off for the Temple.

In Pump Court lived a young member of the bar,a Mr. Randall, whom we were well acquainted with,from his having been a frequent visitor at the Hall in the shooting season.

This young spark was our very good friend — perhaps something more, and to him we proposed to apply as to the best means of investing our legacies.

We found our young Templar up three pair of stairs, in a very cheerful chamber. He received us in his robe-de-chambre, and with many apologies for the disorder of his rooms, set chairs and desired us to be seated.

As your ladyship has possibly never been in the Temple, a description of this young gentleman's chambers may amuse you.

The apartment in which we found ourselves was spacious, and well panelled with good oak wainscot, lighted by two casement windows which looked into the stone-paved court, in the centre of which stands a big pump, from which I suppose it derives its name. A large maple table, six massive chairs covered in sadly faded and worn velvet, a cabinet, and a rickety sideboard, comprised the furniture.

Over the chinney piece was what had once been a superb Venetian mirror, in a gilt frame, with sconces for lights; but now, all cracked and clouded, the gilding tarnished, it presented a sad picture of departed glory.

On the walls hung fencing foils and masks, boxing,gloves, prints representing favorite racehorses, pugilists, and so on. Mixed up with the remains of breakfast, lay the remnants of last night's debauch;a smashed punch bowl, wine glasses, pieces of pipes,lemons, etc..

On the sideboard were numerous bottles, full and empty, and the whole room was reeking with the odour of stale tobacco smoke, wine, and strong waters.

To complete the scene, so strange to our eyes,in a corner lay our young gallant's sword, thrust,through the belt, instead of into the scabbard, his wig, a watchman's lantern, a staff, a woman's cap, and a garter — the latter most probably the spoils of some affray in which the madcap had been engaged the night before, when he had beaten the watch.

A door on one side of the chamber I presumed to open into the bed room; but as there was no saying whether it might not contain some fair creature,your ladyship may be sure I was not so indiscreet as to put any impertinent question.

Mr Randall, having first picked up his wig,which he tossed carelessly on his head, turned to me and inquired, — ' What happy circumstance am I indebted to for the honour of a visit '?

I briefly told him I had called to request his advice as to the best way of investing our money.

'And so, ' said Mr Randall, crossing his legs,and producing a handsome snuff box, which he opened with one hand after the last mode and presented to me, and then took a large pinch, ' so that dear old sinner is defunct? '

I nodded.

'Strange, ' he continued, ' that I should not have heard of his death; but, gad, Herefordshire is a deuce of a way off. He was a capital fellow, was Sir Charles, but a very devil for the girls. Well,well, we must all die some day, I suppose, damme!And now, my dear creatures, what can I do for you? I cannot marry you both, but will take whichever of you will have me.'

He stopped a second, and receiving no reply, continued. — " But, damme, all this time you are wanting to learn how to invest your money? Three thousand pounds each! By Jove, that was devilish handsome of the old boy, though, wasnt it? Well, let me see, there's (counting on his fingers)- 1,Long Annuities; 2, Consols; 3, Indian Bonds; 4, South Sea(thats a bubble, mind my words, a bubble, not bubby, my dear, ' the wag added aside and turning to Chloe, " I did not say bubby, but a bubble — a bubble, my dear creatures, that will burst);5, There's Government Securities — Stop, I have it,' he continued; ' there is a capital house to be sold in Leicester Fields; it is freehold, well built, and handsomely fitted up; a night house, where all the bloods about town go, to get rid of their money. Old Mother H. — has made a fortune there;in five years, and is now retiring from business.She will want, let me see, I should say a thousand for the goodwill, and five hundred more for the furniture — a capital spec! The price of the freehold is two thousand, so that you may have the whole thing out and out for a cool seventeen hundred and fifty pounds each, if you two go halves. That is little more than half your money and with the rest you can buy an Annuity, my darlings.'

As, notwithstanding all his madcap ways, we knew Mr Randall to be a shrewd, clever man of the world, and of undoubted probity, I felt strong inclined to agreed but Chloe, more cautious, proposed that we should think it all over, and so;we left.

To cut the matter short, I may as well tell your ladyship that a few days afterwards we again saw our friend, and told him we had decided to follow his advice; and now I am mistress of the most patrician house of pleasure in the metropolis frequented as it is by nearly all the quality.

But really this letter has been much too long,

so with my humble duty to your ladyship,

I remain, madam, Your servant to command,

Phoebe Kissagen.