Pop Goes the Weasel

107

It is amazing how calm you are when you know the end is near. Since she had made her decision, Ella had felt elated. She giggled, sang songs to Amelia, behaved like a dizzy child. The rage still lurked within her, seeking a chance to escape and reassert itself, but this morning she didn’t need it.

She had lifted some smart baby clothes from Boots a few days earlier. She was pleased she had done so now. She wanted Amelia to be looking nice when they found her. Since she had delivered Amelia, alone and uncared for in this dirty flat, she had never known what to feel for her. She was the price of her sin, a present from her rapists, reminding her of the callousness of the world. Her first instinct had been to smother the screaming bundle. She had gone to do it, but… the girl looked just like her. Her attackers had been dark-skinned, with heavy stubble and black hair. Amelia was blonde, with a cute button nose.

Her next thought had been to ignore the baby, to punish it for its existence by deliberately starving it of food. But then she’d felt the milk seeping from her breasts and knew that something bigger than herself was at play here. So she’d fed the baby. Occasionally she would brush her nipple against the baby’s mouth, then withdraw it, goading the baby with its unfulfilled hunger. But after a while even that seemed cruel and stupid and she’d fed the baby willingly. She found she was happy when she breastfed, nourishing the small child, and for those brief moments when they were joined together, she could forget the other stuff, the violence, the hypocrisy, the rage. One day she realized that she didn’t want the baby to suffer, that she wanted to protect it. So when she went out at night, she slipped some Night Nurse into her formula. This kept her slumbering happily until her mother returned.

Sadness pulsed through her heart, but she shook it off. She was committed to this path, so no point having regrets. The pills were waiting for her in the kitchen. All she had to do was get some formula and then she would be ready.

There was no backing out now.