Pop Goes the Weasel

80

Tony was relieved to see that Nicola was asleep. It was late, but she often struggled to get to sleep. Tony knew that had she been awake, had those deep blue eyes looked up at him as he entered, he would have confessed everything to her. He wouldn’t have been able to hold back, such were his feelings of confusion, exhilaration and shame. As it was, he just had to exchange a few stilted sentences with Violet – staring at the floor and claiming tiredness – before she went on her way and he was left alone with his wife.

Tony had never been unfaithful before and he still loved Nicola. Loved her even more if that was possible, now that he had the shame of his infidelity weighing on his conscience. He didn’t want to hurt her – he’d never wanted to hurt her – and they had always told each other everything. But what was he going to say to her now?

The truth was that he was still buzzing. He and Melissa had made love twice more before he eventually left. The plod on the door looked at the thick file under his arm and seemed to buy that he had been diligently taking Melissa’s testimony all the while. Tony felt another pulse of shame; not only had he betrayed Nicola, he had betrayed his colleagues too. He had always been a good copper, where had this sudden fall from grace come from?

He knew where. Of course he did. He’d tried for so long to tell himself that his life with Nicola was the norm. That it was ok. He often told enquiring friends that he had married for life and that if these were the cards that they’d been dealt, then that was fine by him. But it wasn’t and never had been. Not because he wanted more, but because Nicola had been so much more.

She had opened up everything for him. Whereas he came from a family of nomadic low achievers, she came from a family that was successful, cultured and driven. Whatever she did – whether in work or play – she did with utter determination, a will to succeed and a real sense of fun. And he missed her. He really, really missed her. Romantically she was impulsive and surprising, sexually she had been imaginative and mischievous, and emotionally she was always so giving. She could give him nothing of that now, and though he berated himself for thinking she was turning into his friend, that was the bitter truth of it. She would never be a burden, but she might be something less than his wife.

This, he had always thought, was the real betrayal. But what about Melissa then? This was something new, something dangerous. It was crazy but he already had feelings for her. It couldn’t be love because he’d only just met her, but it felt like something similar. Having been starved of love and affection for so long, he was now overdosing on it.

And he didn’t want to stop.