Punishment aka What Is Mine

TWENTY-ONE

The new girl was named Sarah. Even though she was a year younger, she was as big as Emilie, so it was a bit difficult to comfort her. Just like with Daddy. Emilie wanted to comfort him so much when Mommy died. After the funeral, when the house wasn’t full of people who wanted to help them anymore, he didn’t want her to see him crying. But she knew how he was feeling. She heard him, at night, when he thought she was asleep, with a pillow over his head to make sure that she wouldn’t hear. She wanted to comfort him, but it was impossible because he was grown up. He was bigger than her. There was nothing she could say or do. And when she did try, he put on a big brave smile, got out of bed, and made waffles and talked about the holiday they were going to have in the summer.

It was almost the same with Sarah. She cried and cried, but was just a bit too big to be comforted. Emilie was actually very glad that Sarah had come. It was much better when there were two, and particularly good that they were both girls and even better that Sarah was nearly the same age as her. That was all that Emilie knew about Sarah. What her name was and how old she was. Every time they tried to talk, Sarah started to cry. She sniffed something about a bus and a grandmother. Maybe her grandmother was a bus driver and Sarah thought she would come and rescue them in the same way that she sometimes still thought that Mommy was sitting in her red dress with plum diamonds in her ears, watching over her.

Sarah hadn’t realized it was best to be nice to the man.

After all, he was the one who brought them food and drink and a horse for Barbie a while back. If Emilie smiled and said thank you and was nice and polite, the man smiled back. He seemed to be happy, kind of, and more pleased when he looked at her. Sarah had bitten him. As they came into the room, she sunk her teeth into his arm. He howled and hit Sarah hard on the head. She started to bleed just above her eye. There was still a big cut there and the blood hadn’t dried and scabbed yet.

“You have to be nice to the man,” said Emilie, and sat down on the bed beside Sarah. “He brings food and presents. It’s best to be polite. I think he’s actually quite kind.”

“He hi… hi… hit me,” sobbed Sarah and felt her eye. “He said he was Mom… mo…”

It was impossible to hear the rest. Emilie felt a bit dizzy. She got that old feeling again, the horrible, sickening feeling that there was no oxygen left in the cellar. The best thing was just to lie down and close her eyes.

“He said he was Mommy’s new boyfriend,” Sarah whispered tearfully.

Emilie didn’t know if she’d been asleep. She licked her lips. Her tongue tasted of sleep and her eyes felt heavy.

“Mommy’s got a new boyfriend who I was going to meet to… tomo…”

Emilie sat up slowly. It was easier to breathe now.

“Try to breathe slowly,” she said-that was what Mommy used to say to her when she was crying so much that she couldn’t speak. “Breathe deeply. In and out. There’s plenty of oxygen here. Do you see that opening in the ceiling?”

She pointed and Sarah nodded.

“That’s where he sends oxygen down to us. The man, that is. He sends down lots of oxygen to the cellar, so we can breathe, even if there are no windows. Don’t be scared. You can borrow my Barbie. Is your grandma a bus driver?”

Sarah was exhausted. Her face was white and covered in red blotches; her eyes were so swollen that they were nearly closed.

“My Granny’s an electrician,” she said, talking without crying for the first time.

“My mother is dead,” said Emilie.

“My mother has a new boyfriend,” said Sarah and wiped her nose.

“Is he nice?”

“I don’t know, I was going to meet…”

“Don’t cry anymore now.”

Emilie was annoyed. The man could hear them. Even if he wasn’t there, he might have microphones somewhere. Emilie had thought about that a lot. She had seen things like that in movies. She almost didn’t dare to look carefully. To begin with, when she first came here, she had walked around the room looking for something, without knowing exactly what. She found nothing. But you could get microphones that were so small you could fit them in a molar tooth. They were so small that you couldn’t see them. You needed a microscope. Maybe the man was sitting somewhere listening to them and watching them as well. Because you could also get tiny cameras. As small as a nail head, and there were lots of nails in the wall. Emilie had seen a film once, called Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. It was about a slightly mad but rather sweet dad who did all sorts of experiments in the attic. The children touched something they weren’t supposed to touch and shrunk until they were very, very small, like insects. No one could see them. The man could see her. She was sure he had a TV screen and a headset and knew exactly what they were doing.

“Smile,” she whispered.

Sarah started to cry hard again. Emilie put her hand over her mouth.

“You have to smile,” she ordered, and pulled up her lips into a grin. “He’s watching us.”

Sarah twisted out of her grip.

“He said that he was Momm… Mommy’s boy… boyfr…”

Emilie squeezed shut her eyes again and lay down on the bed. There was barely enough room for the two of them. She pushed Sarah away and turned her face to the wall. When she squeezed her eyes shut as hard as she could, it was almost as if there was light in her head. She could see things. She could see Daddy looking for her. He had a flannel shirt on. He was looking for her among the wildflowers at the back of the house; he had a magnifying glass and thought that someone had shrunk her.

Emilie wished that Sarah had never come.