Ruined

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Jax

For three days after Chase disappeared into the night, I kept a watchful eye on Sam. That had been interesting. I’d officially moved back to town, taking up residence in Rick’s house, and had convinced Sam, for the time being at least, to move in. The place was huge and there was plenty of room. Plus, telling Kelly was fun. It was like a scene right from our high school years, complete with gasping and screaming.

Everything was quiet. Wherever Chase had gone, it wasn’t here. I was betting he’d lie low—at least for a while—but knew we hadn’t heard the last of him. Like he’d said, Zenak would never give up.

And that was fine.

But we weren’t out of the woods yet. We had a lot to deal with, including a new link, the one between us, that we knew nothing about. Heckle dropped the bombshell that the link had been Sam’s doing, then disappeared into the sunset. He’d resurface eventually, but until then, we were in uncharted territory. Again.

I pulled the car up in front of Sam’s apartment building. We were here to get the rest of her things. “This is a bad idea, Jax.”

“Things are different now,” I said. I agreed, but leaving her on her own for the time being was an even worse choice. The living situation would be hard for both of us—harder than she knew—but it was necessary. “You said it yourself. You’re different. I think until we know what that means exactly, we need to keep each other close. For now, we’re roomies.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, fiddling with the seat belt button. It felt like decades ago we were reversed—me in the passenger’s seat and Sam in the driver’s—sinking to the bottom of the river.

“About?”

“That you’re being forced to stay.” Heckle wouldn’t let me leave. The bastard said I needed to be on call and therefore had to stay within shouting distance, so to speak. I wanted to put up a fight, especially since the deal I’d made was a two-parter, and staying in town was going to make the rest of the arrangement harder, especially with this new link, but my hands were tied.

I was sweating. Clammy palms and a nervous tremble in my gut. I would have blamed the demon, but Azirak—Azi, I’d started calling it—had been different since the day in the fort, too. Not gone and definitely not peaceful—I’d needed to feed it just last night—but more a part of me now. We had the same goals. And one of those goals was keeping Sam safe and controlling the fallout from its clan.

Understandably, they were angry. They felt we had betrayed them by letting Chase and Zenak walk. They wanted to be free and I knew we hadn’t heard the last from them, either.

And then there was the witch, Sadie Gray. Heckle said in most cases a link could be dropped if the demon chose to, but when I’d tried, nothing worked. I planned to ask Heckle about it—just as soon as he popped up again. In the meantime, I’d have to keep my eyes open. See what Sadie’s real motives were. Because there was no doubt she had something up her sleeve.

“I love you, Sammy.”

She started to speak but I placed my hand across her mouth. This was hard enough to say without her constantly interrupting. “Just lemme finish. ’Kay?”

She nodded, and I slowly removed my hand.

“I love you, but you know that already. You’ve always known that. And yeah, Heckle is forcing me to stay and I hate it. I want to leave. For so many reasons… You and me, Sammy, it can’t happen. I stand by what I said before. I’m dangerous. When we’re close—when I’m really happy—it causes Azi pain. It causes me pain. Too much pain.”

They were lies and every word burned as it left my tongue. Things were different with the demon now. Since embracing it, being close to Sam still hurt, but wasn’t excruciating like it had been.

“I know,” she whispered. There was a glisten in her eyes and I had to look away. The deep blue mist filling the car was already too much to deal with without seeing her cry.

“Eventually my brother will come back. If we’re together, like, together, together, he’ll use you against me.”

“But the link is gone. He can’t—”

“Control you,” I finished for her. “But he can hurt you. Kill you. It would destroy me.” I reached across and ran a hand across her cheek. The skin beneath my fingers was heaven. So soft and warm. So perfect. So out of reach.

She leaned into my touch. The simple feel of her skin against mine sparked a fire. How the fuck was I going to get through this?

By just doing it, as Chase would have said. Suck it up and get the rest out.

“There’s also another reason… The deal I made with Heckle required sacrifice. You offered your life, and I offered mine.” Now that Azirak and I were one, a relationship with Sam might have been possible. It would have been complicated and tough, but possible.

“I don’t understand…I thought you sacrificed Azirak’s power?”

I forced myself to look at her. Balance. One thing in return for another. Heckle demanded the one thing I wanted more than anything. He’d ripped it away just as it finally fell within my reach. “That wasn’t my sacrifice to make. It was the demon’s. It had to be something I loved. The only thing I loved. It had to be you. You’re my life, Sammy. I gave up you.”

She was pale, and I realized she really hadn’t bought the speech up to this point. She was probably right. All this righteous crap would have meant nothing in the face of my feelings for her. I would have caved.

Except now, I couldn’t.

“So that’s it?” Her voice was shaky. “We don’t get to be happy?”

It took a second to find my voice. The lump in my throat was thick, threatening to choke off my air, and hearing her voice crack only made it worse. “Guess that’s why they call it sacrifice.”

She pulled away and got out of the car without another word. I let her go, watching as she walked down the path to the apartment doors. She didn’t look back once. When she was out of sight I followed, slipping from the driver’s seat and making my way up the path.

Things were going to be hard with us living under the same roof. Life had brought us together, then ripped us apart. Again. Only this time it was rubbing our noses in it. Sam Merrick was my world. The universe and heaven and hell all wrapped into one. Somewhere out there was something that would tip Heckle’s precious fucking balance and allow me to be happy. At peace. To be with her. I’d find it.

I’d find it because there was no alternative.

I’d find it because I couldn’t live without her.