Sneaky Pie For President

Campaign Promises

The centerpiece of my administration will be the responsible use of the environment for all living creatures, and this includes the plant kingdom—they, too, are alive.

Given the state of human mental health, my administration will make every effort to substitute drug therapies with animal companion therapies, even if this means special programs to teach those in need how to care for and live with cats, dogs, horses, birds, et cetera. Anything to get humans off chemical dependencies is a good thing.

I will increase the prestige and the power of the Department of Agriculture, as well as the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. If need be, I will work hard to remove overlap, streamline agencies, or collapse competing bureaus into one bureau.

Along with using discarded federal buildings for abandoned animals, I will do the same for abandoned and mistreated children. In my state of Virginia, the best-managed state in the Union (it almost always is), one out of eleven children has slept on the street. This is unforgivable.

I believe in the separation of the church and state, first expressed for the colony of Virginia by James Madison. You practice your faith and I will practice mine.

I will appoint a pack rat to the Federal Reserve. He or she should steady the humans.

I will ensure that humans respect each species’ various mating patterns. On this same subject, I will strongly advise most cats and dogs to be neutered or spayed.

I believe any human running for public office at the state and national level should also be neutered or spayed. It will focus the men and calm the women.

I believe we cannot breed past the food and water supply. Population control of all species will be a difficult subject, a challenge to resolve, but we must, and I pledge to begin the discussions.

I promise you I will think clearly. For instance, if a cat has kittens in the oven, that doesn’t make them biscuits. I will never try to confuse you with tricky stuff.

I recognize that some predators are more dangerous than others. I will do my best to make appointments that allow for harmony.

For all my Cabinet positions, I will request a veterinary report. For the humans in my Cabinet, I will have the vet check them out, too.