The Boudoir No. 5

THE BREECHES, OR ST. THOMAS-A-BECKET'S RELIC

Father Girard was a celebrated preacher in one of the most noted cities of France; a man of ready elocution, handsome person, and a lively eye, which was generally roving among the female part of his audience. As he was one day preaching and searching after hearts instead of God, and striving by wanton ogles to make proselytes to love instead of religion, he happened to fix his eyes on a beautiful young lady named Agatha, wife to a physician called Bernard, and was immediately enamoured with her. The lady was so very devout, that she had her eye constantly fixed on those of the preacher; but notwithstanding the zeal of her devotion, she could not help perceiving that he was handsome, and secretly wished Mons.

Bernard, her husband, was not less agreeable. When the sermon was ended, Agatha addressed Father Girard to give her confession, who was not a little pleased at hearing so favourable an opportunity to discover his passion. Girard, seated in the confessional chair, heard a short detail of her own sins; but then she began a long account of those of her husband — age, neglect, inability, and lastly jealousy, were reckoned up as cardinal vices. The father confessor, with an amorous grin, replied: Jealousy, madam, is a passion which can scarce be avoided by that happy person who possesses so divine a creature as yourself. Agatha smiled, and, thinking it time to return to some female friends, who were waiting for her, desired absolution. The confessor sighed, and leering on her with another languishing look: My fair daughter, cries he, who can free her who is bound himself? I am captivated with the irresistible power of your beauty, and, without your assistance, can neither absolve myself nor you. Agatha was young, and not well versed in such intrigues; yet by assistance of a good natural apprehension, she was not at a loss to unravel the meaning of these words; she had besides, to quicken her wit, been strictly guarded, and not over well used by Dr.

Bernard; therefore she had not many scruples of conscience; but soon let Father Girard perceive, that she was not so dull as to mistake his meaning, nor was of so nice a virtue as to be displeased at his declaration, and to find, notwithstanding the sanctity of his character, he was made of flesh and blood. The business of the absolution was entirely forgot; Girard began to be very amorous, and openly professed his passion, and the lady undertook to find some method to have another interview. After some consideration she acquainted him she was often troubled with fits, and that all the medicines her husband could administer, procured her no ease: therefore, said she, the next time he is sent for into the country I'll feign myself ill of those fits, and send for you to bring with you some relic for my relief. I suppose, Father, you'll not refuse my summons, and my confident maid shall conduct you to my chamber. Girard applauded her wit, embraced her with some rapture, and then they parted.

Dr. Bernard, who apprehended no ill consequence from his wife's religious zeal, was sent for next morning (very opportunely for our lovers) to a country patient. Scarce was he gone, but Agatha was seized with one of her quondam fits, and in the midst of her attendants called frequently for some holy relic — some holy relic of Thomas a Becket.The confident maid, who was intrusted with the whole affair, pressed someone to fetch some of that saint's relics from the next convent, and that Father Girard, famous for his sanctity, should bring it. They obeyed, told Father Girard of the accident, and he, like a holy and pious man, cheerfully hasted away with the utmost expedition.

Girard arrived, entered the room where the afflicted lady lay, and with a becoming gravity and well acted sanctimony approached the bed-side — Agatha prayed for help from Thomas a Becket. Girard promised his own assistance, and that of the saint also; but said it was necessary before the relic could have the desired effect, she should make her confession. This made everyone depart the room, and left our religious lovers to their private ejaculations.

The pious father had not long applied the sacred relic of Thomas a Becket, before Dr. Bernard unfortunately returning was heard coming upstairs. The ghostly father leaped from the bed, hurried on his gown, amp;c, but unhappily forgot his breeches, which lay as a useless garment at the bed's head. The confidant, at the stair's head, bawled out her thanks to heaven that her lady was recovered; Dr. Bernard entered the room, and began to frown to see a priest had found the way into his house, and began to suspect something from his wife's sudden illness. Agatha with a cheerful smile, and with religious thanks to heaven, told her husband of her dangerous fit, and her miraculous recovery by Thomas a Becket's relic. The good doctor, deceived by the sham innocence of Agatha, began to correct his jealous thoughts; and Father Girard, after some pious advice, and a few scriptural texts, wisely withdrew.

Father Girard had not gone far before he recovered from his fright, and, at his recovery, missed his breeches-This put him into another full as bad: What could he do? he dared not go back; but, on consideration, hoped for the best; that Agatha and the maid would convey them secretly away. In the meantime, the careful uxorious Monsieur Bernard was rejoicing at his wife's recovery, and saying a thousand things to her; in the midst of his fondling, he flung himself on the bed by her, and putting his hand back to take her in his arms ran his arms into the breeches. Surprised at the greasy trowsers, the known appurtenance of the priest, he fell into a worse fit than that his wife would have made him believe she had been in. He stormed, he swore, he raved. Amid this distraction, Agatha, with a ready wit, and an innocent face, the peculiar attributes of a woman, replied, without the least hesitation, that it was those breeches which had saved her life (if she had said their contents, she would have been nearer the mark): it is to them, says she, that I owe my cure.

O thou miraculous vestment of the divine Thomas a Becket, which has shed a pleasing influence on thy adorer, still may thou be the aid of weak woman! These, adds she, the holy father left with me to strengthen me and prevent the return of my fit; in the evening he is to come for them.

The readiness of this excuse, and the well feigned religion of his wife, either deluded honest Monsieur Bernard; or else, not knowing how to act, he seemed to believe her, and so it passed off. Agatha's confidant, in the evening, was sent to tell father Girard her mistress was entirely recovered, and therefore he should come to fetch away his sacred relics: she added to this commission, and acquainted her mistress's confessor of all that had passed. Father Girard knew not how to act, but, pressed by the necessity of the thing, he went to the warden of the convent, the person who presided over them, and was to punish their irregularity of manners, and acquainted him with the whole affair. The warden reproved him for his negligence; for, says he, fi non cafte, tamen caute; if not chastely, yet cautiously, is the maxim of our convent; however, some expedient must be found out to save the reputation of the order. After some pauses, he ordered the chapel bell to ring, and convened all the brothers of the convent.

When they were assembled, he told them of a miracle wrought by the power of Thomas a Becket's breeches, in the house of Dr. Bernard; acquainted them with the particulars, and advised to fetch them back to the convent in solemn procession. The whole convent immediately marched out in great order to Dr. Bernard's house. The doctor met them at his door, and desired to know the meaning of so solemn a visit. The warden, who was at the head of them, answered they were obliged, by the rules of their order, to send their relics to distressed people, who desired them, in a private manner, and to fetch them back in a private manner, if through the heinous sins of the person the relic had no effect; but where there was a manifest miracle, they went to bring them home again with solemnity, and to record the whole in the archives of the convent.

Dr. Bernard conducted the warden and Father Girard up to his wife's bed-chamber. The good lady held out the breeches wrapped up in a clean napkin, which the warden opened and kissed the sacred relic with a personal reverence; then going down, each brother passed by in their turns and paid it the same honours. After which being placed on a long pole, like a military standard, the fraternity returned in greater solemnity, singing an anthem, and followed by vast crowds of people. When they came to their convent, it was placed some days on their altar as an object of devotion; and Dr. Bernard, ostentatious of his wife's piety, told everybody the astonishing miracle wrought on his wife by St. Thomas a Becket's breeches.