The Gospel According to the Son

25

As soon as I left Nazareth, however, some good spirits returned concerning all that we could do. Indeed the time had come to send messengers forth. Nor did I think it unlikely that they would be able to perform acts like mine. Word of my power to heal had spread among many, and so many might be ready to have faith in my apostles.

I told them to go on their journey with nothing but a staff; no bread, no money, only one coat. I said: "Wherever you enter into a house, abide there until you depart. Whoever does not receive you, leave him quickly. Shake the dust from your feet. By so moving you will go your way with ease."

I also knew that I could give my disciples a part of what the Lord had bestowed on me only if I did not rest in my labors and never felt sorrow for myself: The destruction of each man is to be found in the pity he saves for himself. This was twice true for the Son of the Lord. So would it also be twice true for his closest followers.

I told them of other things. Indeed, there was much to learn. In a short time. So my speech was harsh. I was coming to understand that to repent of one's sins generates turmoil in a man; the soul races to and fro. That is the time when a gentle word may not be wise. If too distracted, we do not hear it.

I also told them not to worry if there were matters they did not understand. They still knew enough to teach others. "What you hear," I told them, "is the wisdom of the Lord. This you may preach from the housetops. Never fear those who can kill the body but are not able to kill the soul. Instead, fear God. He can destroy both soul and body. For, remember: God knows everything. Not one sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father's knowledge. Fear not, therefore. You are worth more than many sparrows."

What I said next did not come easily to my tongue. It was prideful. Nonetheless, these were the words chosen by the Lord, and so they were in my mouth: "Whoever denies me, I will deny before my Father." Some of the apostles drew back. They knew that they had not been ready to tell everyone they met that they were of my co-hort.

I looked into the eyes of each of the twelve and said: "I have come not to send peace but a sword." And this was different from all I had said before. I had come to bring peace on earth, but now the Lord had given me a vision of many battles and they would all take place before peace could come. And my heart was sore with the pain that I had not made peace with Mary when I was last in Nazareth. So I spoke not only with the Lord's anger but with my own. My family had left me divided. So I said: "A man's foes can be the members of his own household. Whoever would love father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, just as he who would find his life must first lose it. Yet he who loses his life for my sake shall find it."

Now my apostles were weeping. No thought arouses more compassion for oneself than the belief that one is losing one's life for a friend; at such an instant one feels noble. It is natural to mourn for oneself. So I tried to teach them what is to be found in the laws of love, for such laws are much concealed. I said: "Love your friends like your own soul. Guard them like the pupil of your eye. Be glad only when you can look at them with love. Know that no crime is more onerous than to sadden your brother's spirit."

With this, they sighed. They saw the truth of what I had said; they also saw its difficulty.

With those words I sent them out to preach.

Now, I chose to live alone in a hut abandoned by shepherds, high in the hills above Capernaum. And I tried to subdue the fears that still remained with me.

Each fear was terrible. Each came upon me in the middle of the night. My limbs were heavy, and no road appeared.