The McDead

Band

‘Own us’ were an up and coming band. A cross twixt Oasis and Verve, they were still hungry. Word of mouth was beginning to repeat their name and a record deal was in the air. When approached to do Tommy Logan’s party, they didn’t hesitate a moment, said, ‘No.’ Relayed back to Tommy, he said, ‘Fuck ’em.’

Then, ‘Burn ’em.’

Tommy’s right-hand man proposed he have a chat with them. Tommy asked, ‘Why, Mick?’

‘Cos they’ll get us lots of press.’

‘OK, have a shot but if nothing’s doing, screw ’em.’

‘They’ll agree, I guarantee it.’

The lead singer was named Matt Wilde (sic). He had acquired the mandatory mid-Atlantic drawl for rock stars. Plus, he scratched a lot. Mick found them rehearsing in a warehouse at the Elephant. He listened to their set and thought, Christ, they’re bad.

Matt called a break and signalled to Mick. Being summoned by a nineteen-year-old pup was energising. The star was scratching his neck, asked, ‘What’s yer bag man?’

‘I’d like you to reconsider doing the Law ’n’ Order party gig.’

‘No can do man, never gonna happen. It hasn’t got, like, cred. You hear what I’m saying?’

Mick shrugged, asked, ‘Do any Vince Gill?’

‘What?’

‘You have a mobile?’

‘Course.’

‘Tell you what, give Kate a buzz.’

‘Kate?’

‘Is there an echo in here? …Yeah, Kate, yer model girlfriend.’

Matt was less sure of himself, took up his mobile and, as required, dialled. ‘Kate?’

‘Matthew, hi.’

Mick said, ‘Ask her if there’s a blue Datsun parked outside.’

He asked … waited, then, ‘There is … OK.’

Mick nodded, said, ‘There’s a bloke sitting here, he’s got an acid container … need I paint a picture.’

Matt jumped at him and got an almighty blow to the solar plexus. The band members murmured but didn’t move.

Mick said, ‘Copyright infringement but we’ve got it sorted … haven’t we, Matt?’

Matt, still on his knees said, ‘I’ll go to the cops.’

Mick hunkered down beside him, said, ‘That would be very silly. Where would Kate get a new face, eh? You have a little think about it.’

Mick stood up, patted Mart’s head, said, ‘I think coffee break’s over.’