The McDead

Let’s party

A warehouse near the Elephant had been transformed. A crowd had gathered outside to see the party-goers arrive. When Tommy Logan got there he gave two fingers to the crowd. That they understood. Gave him a rousing cheer. ‘My people,’ he said.

As fixed, security was provided by off duty cops. McDonald was on the door, he said to Tommy: ‘Good evening, sir.’

Tommy palmed him a ten, said, ‘Keep up the good work.’

Inside the band were tuning up. Tommy said to Mick, ‘Who are they?’

‘The band you requested.’

‘Can they play?’

‘They’re a spit from being famous, guv.’

The warehouse had lived many lives. At one stage it had been a cinema and a balcony ran along the back. The projection room was still intact. A flight of stairs led from it to the street. Mick moved up to the band, said to the surly Matt, ‘Get started.’

‘We’re artists man, we don’t just start.’

Mick hopped lightly on to the stage, went nose-to-nose, said, ‘You’re history if you don’t and never, like fuckin’ never call me man, get it?’

He got it.

They kicked off with a cover of The Verve’s ‘Bittersweet Symphony’, the extended one.

Tommy said, ‘Sounds like the Rolling Stones.’

Mick was clued, said, ‘Based on “The Last Time”!’

‘It’s good, they’re OK.’

Mick said, ‘They’re keen as mustard, chuffed to play for you.’

A stir at the door as the Super arrived. Harry the solicitor behind. Their wives were interchangeable. Like models of Mrs Thatcher. Tommy moved to greet them, signalling to a waiter for champagne. Outside, to the left of the crowd, Brant was leaning on his car, cigarette going. Roberts drove up, rolled down his window, said, ‘You’re not supposed to be here.’

‘You neither.’

‘You going to gatecrash?’

‘If you’re game.’

Roberts smiled, said, ‘Lemme park, I’ll get back to you.’

Brant flicked the cig away, said, ‘I’ll be here.’

When McDonald saw them approach, he went, ‘Oh, shit.’

Worse, they were smiling at him. Inside, the band were attempting ‘Working Class Hero’ as a touch of contempt.

But as usual, those who least understood the song were the ones who most appreciated it. Roberts said, ‘Bit of moonlighting, McDonald?’

‘Sir.’

They made to enter and he stepped in front of them, said, ‘Guv, I’ll have to see yer invites.’

Brant said, ‘Gee, we left them in the car.’

McDonald didn’t move and Roberts said, ‘S’cuse me son.’

He moved.

The first person they met was Tommy’s wife, Tina. She said, ‘I can’t believe you got invited.’

Roberts looked at her, said, ‘Wouldn’t miss it for the world.’

The Super glared at them across the hall. Brant waved. More people arrived and the place was becoming crowded. Brant asked Tina to dance, she said, ‘Get real.’

Tommy said to Mick, ‘I want them outta here.’

‘There’d be a scene.’

‘Are you saying let ’em be?’

‘For now.’

‘Fuckers!’

Food was served and Brant was first in line. Got double helpings. His plate overflowing, he moved back to Roberts, said, ‘The grub is good, guv, wanna try some?’

Roberts looked at it in disgust, said, ‘It would choke me.’

‘Food dunno from shit, guv … it’s like money.’

‘You’re getting very philosophical.’

‘Naw, just hungry.’

Like all shindigs worth the name, there was a raffle. Cops love them. Brant had a fistful of tickets, said to Roberts, ‘Do you feel lucky?’

‘Gimme a break!’ And he moved off.

First prize of a music centre went to Harry the solicitor.

Good humoured shouts of Fix! Fix! punctuated his acceptance of the prize. Tommy was doing the presentation. His face was shining, his triumph assured. He said, ‘Second prize of my own personal favourite, a Waterford crystal bowl, goes to a green ticket Number 93.’

When he saw who’d won, his face dropped. Brant. When Brant got to the stage, he gave Tommy a huge hug, whispered, ‘Ya wanker.’ Then stepped back as Tommy handed over the prize.

Brant took it, looked down at the crowd, then let go. The crystal shattered in a thousand pieces. Brant said, ‘Oops!’

On Brant’s way down the hall, he came face to face with the Super who said, ‘My office, nine of clock sharp.’

Brant smiled, said, ‘Wouldn’t miss it for the world.’

The band launched into a frenzied version of ‘Let’s Dance’.

Brant spotted Tina, asked, ‘Wanna quickstep?’

‘You’ve got to be kidding.’

‘Yeah, you’re too fat for it all right.’

Tommy was checking his speech. Before the party finished, he’d say a few words.

He said to Mick, ‘There’s no jokes, it needs humour.’ Mick thought, You’re the fuckin’ joke, but said, ‘Maybe it’s best to play it straight.’

‘You think?’

‘Yeah, more dignity, know what I mean?’

‘I can do dignified.’

When the time came, all the lights went out. A lone spotlight lit the stage. Tommy strode out. Looking down the hall, he was blinded and could see nowt. He began, ‘Officers and ladies…

A single shot rang and a small hole appeared over his right eye.

He gave a tiny ‘Ah,’ and fell backward.