The Only Thing Worse Than Witches

The Nebulous Witch’s Lair

SANDY AND RUPERT ESCAPED TO NEBBY’S LAIR once the sun had set. Sandy was able to shower them both in sand from a playground’s sandbox, so they were safe from the Fairfoul Witch’s watchful eyes.

Nebby’s lair was the kind of house that Rupert’s mother liked to look at in the real estate magazines — a very modern-looking place with lots of windows, mirrors, and strange-angled walls. It was very bright and clean looking. Quite the opposite of anything Rupert would expect of a witch’s lair.

As soon as Rupert walked in the door, Nebby put up a pot of tea and disappeared into the kitchen to bake something. Rupert prayed it wouldn’t be Toecorn or Knuckle Soup, but when she emerged with a pan, it looked like perfectly harmless chocolate chunk cookies.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Rupert asked, biting into a cookie. “I thought witches were mean and evil and horrid.”

Sandy sniffled. “You didn’t think that about me, did you, Greeny?”

“Stop calling me that!”

Nebby smiled. “Some witches are mean and evil and horrid, much like some humans are mean and evil and horrid. But like humans, not all witches are nasty. I personally don’t enjoy harming things that don’t harm me. And since I’ve raised Witchling Two, I’ve taught her my values.”

Somewhere from the back of the house, Storm hooted, “NO, NEBBY! SHE LEARNED THEM FROM MEEEEEE!”

“Is she all right?” Rupert whispered to Sandy.

“Oh, yes,” she said. “That’s why she’s called the Storm Witch, you know — because of her unpredictable outbursts of emotion.”

Nebby put her hand on Rupert’s arm. “You little green thing,” she said. Then she frowned at Sandy, who plunked into a white armchair with her shoulders hunched.

In seconds, Nebby turned Rupert back to a pink thing, all traces of green now gone. Rupert sighed in relief, as he examined himself in a mirror. For a few horrible moments, he thought that he would look like freshly mowed grass forever.

“We don’t feel comfortable sending you back home at night,” Nebby said.

“But I have to get back to my mom,” Rupert said. “We’ve locked her in a closet, and she’s the only family I have.”

“That’s all good and kind,” said Nebby. “But as soon as the Fairfoul Witch realizes how strongly you feel about your mother, she will use that to hurt you.”

Rupert kicked the leg of the table. “Then what should I do?” he said, his face desperate. “How do I keep my mother safe and still be friends with Sandy? I still need to help her pass her Bar Exam — we only have four days left, and Sandy is in no shape to pass. And she still needs to help me with Mrs. Frabbleknacker, who tried to claw my eyes out when I left class today.”

In all the excitement with the Fairfoul Witch, Rupert had almost forgotten that Mrs. Frabbleknacker was still livid with him. Compared to the problem of the Fairfoul Witch, facing Mrs. Frabbleknacker seemed like a breeze. But even if she was the last concern in his mind, she was still a niggling worry.

The Storm Witch coughed, and all eyes turned to her. “Bear warning at night and by the morning’s light make right.”

Nebby and Sandy nodded thoughtfully.

“Yes, that’s exactly it,” Nebby said, and she put a hand on Rupert’s shoulder. “After Storm and I left your house, we did talk to a member of the Council of Three — someone quite close to the Fairfoul Witch — and she did not seem optimistic about your situation, Rupert. To be honest, you’re in trouble. Much more trouble than you can even imagine.”

“Because I belong to the witches, right?” he said accidentally.

“So… you and our witchling were snooping around the Witches Council lair.” She winked. “Yes… you are claimed. It seems like both you and your mother are on thin ice with the witches.”

“Why?” Rupert asked. “What happened with my mom?”

Nebby pursed her lips. “I’m not exactly sure, Rupert. This falls under the territory of the Fairfoul Witch. I only know what our records show — that your mother stole a forbidden potion, and the witches claimed you.”

He sulked. “That’s all I know, too.”

“But it seems to me that you have two options. You can stay in Gliverstoll, in which case the Fairfoul Witch will most certainly find you. Or you can try to leave. In which case, you have a very, very small chance of success if — and only if — Storm and I can successfully distract the Fairfoul Witch.”

“So… I should leave? But I’ve never left Gliverstoll before.”

“You shall stay here tonight, and tomorrow we will send you to school like any normal boy. During the day, Storm and I will make sure that your school, neighborhood, and house are safe to return to — and double-check that the witches didn’t lay out any traps for you or your mother. If there’s a problem, one of us will find you at school. Otherwise, scurry home, quick as a lick, and then flee Gliverstoll with your mother. We’ll distract the Fairfoul Witch and the entire Council while you make your escape. You’ll need our help — otherwise, they’ll know and drag you back in an instant.”

“Why can’t we do this now?” Rupert said impatiently.

“The Fairfoul Witch is out and about during these hours. If we head to your house, the Fairfoul Witch will learn of our betrayal. But the Fairfoul Witch sleeps during your school hours and wakes up at three-quarters to the witching hour.”

“What’s that?” Rupert said.

Sandy stroked her chin. “That’s a human gibbon o’clock.”

“Gibbon?”

“Erm… nine plus eight? What do you call that?

“Seventeen?”

“Yes!” Sandy said. “Seventeen o’clock.”

“But what is that?” Rupert said, starting to lose his patience.

“Twenty-four hours in a day, seventeen hours past none o’clock.”

Rupert scratched his head. “I don’t understand witch math,” he said.

“No matter,” Nebby said. “After school, run right home. Then grab your mother and flee as fast as you can.”

“If you don’t cause any commotion, you’ll be leopards of miles away before the Fairfoul Witch even brushes her teeth,” Sandy said.

“But I can’t go to school! Mrs. Frabbleknacker is mad beyond mad at me!”

Sandy gasped. “She is?”

“It’s your fault, you know!”

“Oh.”

Nebby shook her head. “I’m sorry, Rupert, but you must. If you deviate from what other kids are doing, you’ll stick out to the other witches who are on the lookout for you. The only way to escape is to go to school and not to act suspiciously.”

“But what do I do about Mrs. Frabbleknacker?”

“Mrs. Frickleknuckers is nothing compared to the Fairfoul Witch, Rupert,” Sandy said. “You can face her.”

“You must,” Nebby said. “And then you must run away forever, Rupert,” Nebby said. “You and your mother will only be safe if you never come back.”

Rupert frowned. He didn’t want to think it. But he couldn’t avoid the thought. “And what if…” Rupert said, letting the horrible thought come to his lips. “What if we don’t escape the witches? What then?”

Storm ran a finger across her throat, miming the slit of a knife. She frowned and looked at him sadly, like he was already a goner.