The People’s Republic of Desire

21 Matters of Size

My friend, Diana, is half English and half Norwegian. When she was sixteen, she saw the movie The Lover, about French author Marguerite Duras's affair with her Chinese lover in Indochina. Diana fell in love with the Hong Kong actor Tony Leung, who plays the gentle and passionate lover in the film.

Diana started to learn Chinese and fantasized about dating a Chinese man someday: a Chinese man with hairless, silky skin and a tight butt, who looks younger than his age, is faithful, gentle, and wealthy like Duras's lover. It would be a great way for her to practice her Chinese – and he would, hopefully, be a good cook or the son of a good Chinese cook. Diana loves Chinese food.

After graduating from college, Diana's Chinese dream is realized. She was sent to work in a nonprofit organization's Beijing office. After moving to Beijing, Diana often saw many Western men dating Chinese women, but very few Western women with Chinese men. Most of her girlfriends are not attracted to Asian men. Sure, she saw those Chinese punk artists hanging out at places like Moon House in Haidian with their Western wives. But most of the Western wives are unattractive from a Westerner's perspective. And those sorts of relationships seem to her a bit mutually masturbatory. The Western girl feels cool because she is married to a "dissident artist," and the Chinese dissident artist guy feels proud that he is good enough to score a Western girl – and he can get a visa!

Diana is determined to break the stereotype and find a Chinese man. To her disappointment, it is not such an easy task. At nearly six feet tall, she is taller than most men and the rare ones who are taller are often male chauvinists. Of course, many of those Chinese punk rockers and avant-garde painters chase after her, but they are not really her type. Diana tells me that she thinks they are too westernized. She prefers conservative family men.

One evening, in a bar called Schiller's, she meets Mr. Lee, who is on a business trip to Beijing. Mr. Lee is a venture capitalist in Hong Kong, more gorgeous and gentler than Tony Leung. He is half Chinese, half American, and speaks both Chinese and English perfectly. Other than his unusual height and high Western nose, he looks like a pure-blooded Chinese man with black hair, Asian eyes, and fair silky skin.

Mr. Lee tells Diana that he is not attracted to Asian women because he prefers "big breasts, blond hair, and intelligent conversation," although he doesn't specify in what order. Diana thinks she can provide him with all three. He says, "Too many Asian women are flat-chested, materialist airheads." Hanging out with other foreigners in Beijing, Diana has met so many Asian fetishists – Western men who have caught "yellow fever" – that Mr. Lee's comments make him stand out from the crowd.

Mr. Lee flies from Hong Kong to Beijing to meet with Diana every weekend. Every time, he brings her nice gifts, perfume, jewelry. They always have pleasant conversations and candlelit dinners, but he never kisses or touches her. Diana calls afterward and tells me, "Wow, Chinese men are so much more conservative than Western men. He'll make a good husband."

Four months have passed and Mr. Lee always treats Diana with respect. She decides to take the initiative.

One Saturday night after Mr. Lee takes Diana to the St. Regis Hotel for dinner, Diana invites Mr. Lee to stay overnight at her apartment in Maizidian. Mr. Lee doesn't refuse.

In Diana's apartment, Mr. Lee asks Diana politely, "Can I make love to you?"

"Yes," Diana agrees eagerly. She has been waiting so long for this night!

"Do you have a condom?"

"Yes. I do." Diana planned ahead, and earlier that day bought a box of condoms at a nearby store.

Their moment of passion is building up when the unexpected happens. The condom doesn't fit: it's too small. "Gosh, this part of my body is American, not Chinese," Mr. Lee chuckles. "The Chinese have always believed that the size of a man's nose reflects the size of his pecker. With my Western nose, it seems to make sense."

"Gee, if the size doesn't fit, I wonder what other foreign expatriates use in Beijing. Do they need to carry boxes of condoms from home every time?" Diana is frustrated. "Can we do it without a condom?" she asks.

"No, we can't. My wife says I have to wear condoms whenever I'm with other women."

"What?! You're married?" Diana is so stunned that it takes a minute for the anger to set in.

"Yes." Mr. Lee answers. Diana later tells me that he answers her question calmly without a trace of embarrassment.

Diana's fury finally emerges. "What are you doing here, then?"

"Lots of men in Hong Kong have xiao mi – mistresses on the mainland! What's the problem?"

"How can your wife tolerate you having affairs?"

"My wife understands. She is fine with it. If other taitais from Hong Kong can put up with affairs, so can she."

"But how can your wife be from Hong Kong? I thought you said you aren't attracted to Asian women because they are too materialistic."

"One good thing about materialistic women is that they care more about how much money you allow them to spend than how many affairs you have. As long as she can still buy her Prada handbags and Gucci sunglasses at Pacific Place, she is happy."

Diana can't stand it anymore. She kicks Mr. Lee out of her apartment. She calls me, telling me everything in detail. Eventually, she says, "Niuniu, I'm grateful to the Chinese condom manufacturer for saving me from becoming Mr. Lee's latest mainland mistress. "

"Do you still want a Chinese man?" I ask her on the phone.

She pauses for a second, and then says, "What is the Chinese word – couhe? Perhaps one of those Chinese dissident artists might be okay after all."

XIAO MI: "Little secret," slang term for mistress.

TAITAI: Wife, usually one who doesn't have to work to support the family.

MAIZIDIAN: A funky artistic, counterculture district in eastern Beijing

COUHE: "To match and combine"; settling for second-best.