The Purple Emperor

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Brimstone hoped Graminis would get him to the church in time. 'Can't we go any faster?' he asked testily.

They were travelling in a clapped-out ouklo that looked older than God. It was an open carriage in funereal black with upholstery that smelled of grave mould, probably because Graminis was too mean to hire a proper wedding carriage. The spell charge was almost gone, so that instead of floating at a respectable height, the ouklo kept sinking lower and lower until it scraped on the road; at which point it shot up again like a startled rabbit to begin the sinking process all over again. The movement was making Brimstone positively seasick.

But at least the traditional wedding notice was displayed prominently across the back:

This Man Is Getting Married.

Pray for Him.

Graminis giggled. 'Don't you go upsetting yourself, Silas – Maura will wait. Waited for the last five, didn't she?' Brimstone blinked. His bride-to-be had gone through five previous husbands? He knew she was a widow woman, but five was ridiculous. Perhaps she ate them after mating, like a spider. Or murdered them for the insurance money. He'd have to watch that. Watch what he ate or drank in particular. Chances were she'd poisoned them.

The ouklo scraped and bobbed its way through narrow streets until the church spire hove into sight. The vehicle reached the graveyard and stopped. 'Have to walk the rest of the way,' Graminis said. 'Sorry about that – it's set for funerals.'

The church was as small as he'd expected – wedding hire was costed by the square foot – and built to the traditional squaring-the-circle design. Tiers of pews looked down on the altar. The carpeting was moth-eaten and threadbare.

There was a scattering of down-and-outs in the pews, doubtless hoping for a witness hand-out, and the central fire was already lit. As he and Graminis entered, half a dozen skinny nymphs began to dance listlessly around it.

The priest emerged from a trapdoor in the floor, which suggested things might get underway before too long. He was a squat, toad-like Faerie of the Night wearing the elemental yellow robes called for by the occasion. He favoured Brimstone with a bleak smile and Brimstone favoured him with a bleak smile back.

'The bride's here!' Graminis hissed.

Brimstone looked up towards the entrance arch that now framed the scrawny figure of his bride-to-be. She was wearing a tight black mini-dress split up one side and carrying a cactus.

Her legs looked like second-hand pipe cleaners.