The Reluctant Dom

Chapter Eleven

After a restless night, Seth awoke early the next morning, a little before dawn. His plan had been to go jogging and try to quiet his mind. When he started the coffee Kaden must have heard him and walked out to the kitchen.

Seth looked at him. Despite what he’d told Leah the night before about not wanting to talk about it, he needed to talk about it. “Dude. What. The. Fuck?”

Kaden’s sneaky smile told him a lot. “What?”

“Don’t bullshit me. I know you two talked last night after…you know.”

“Know what?”

“Quit busting my balls. Don’t make me fucking say it.”

Kaden leaned against the counter and crossed his arms. “What do you want me to say?”

“I want—” Seth realized his voice had risen. He dropped it, speaking low. “I want you to tell me. What. The. Fuck?”

The men heard the door to the master bedroom open. Kaden looked at the floor. “Go back to bed, love,” he called out. “You don’t need to get up yet.”

There was the briefest of pauses, then Leah’s slightly puzzled-sounding, “Yes, Master.”

They heard the door close.

Kaden looked at Seth and dropped his voice. “She’s always been in love with you.”

“She’s. Your. Wife!”

“I know.”

Speechless, Seth stood there, trying to sort out his emotions. “How can you even stand to fucking look at me?”

“I’m looking at the man I love even more than a brother, a man I know would gladly switch places with me in a heartbeat to save my life if he thought he could. A man who will love and cherish the woman I love as much as I do.”

“How long have you been planning this? And why the fuck did you lie to me? What was all that adjusting your thinking and being honest bullshit you talked about?”

“It wasn’t bullshit. I just sort of fudged the timeframe. We’ve been wanting to approach you for years. You kept meeting those asshole women before we could talk to you. And we didn’t want to mess up your divorces once you’d left them. I was waiting this time until you told us you were legally free again.” He studied his hands. “I was going to ask you…before.”

That fucking word again.

Kaden continued. “We weren’t going to tell you about the BDSM stuff at first. We were going to talk you into moving in with us and then go from there, kind of ease you into it. I didn’t want to shock you too much at first. I didn’t want to freak you out,” Kaden calmly said.

“Well, um, congratulations, you freaked me out anyway.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Seth studied him. “How can you say you want to share your wife with me?”

“Because I love you.”

“Dude, I am sooo not doing you! I thought we settled that.”

“We did. I already told you I don’t swing that way. I don’t mean that kind of love. I knew I needed another person I could trust to help take care of her. What the fuck would happen, for example, if some drunk driver hit me on the way home? It’d fucking kill her.” He took a deep breath. “I didn’t seriously think it was something I’d have to worry about for years. I thought I had all the time in the world. I trust you with her, man. I wasn’t bullshitting you when I told you that. Look at how good you took care of her while I was in Atlanta.”

“How can you stand there and tell me you’re really okay sharing her with me?”

“Compersion.”

Seth did a double-take. “What the fuck?”

“It’s a term the poly community uses. It’s basically the opposite of jealousy, although it’s more complex than that. If she’d loved anyone else, it’d fucking kill me. But it’s you. And as weird as it sounds—and yes, I’ll be the first to admit it sounds weird—I’m not jealous of you.”

“Poly? Polyester?” Seth didn’t know polyester had its own community. “What the fuck does that have to do with what we’re talking about?”

Kaden laughed, long and hard. “Polyamorous,” he finally managed.

“I am so not becoming a fucking Mormon.” He thought Kade was raised Methodist, even though he and Leah didn’t go to church.

Kaden rolled his eyes. “Not polygamy. Jesus Christ, we’re not talking Big Love here, dude.”

“What about all that crap you said about being angry and jealous?”

His eyes grew sad. “I am angry. And I’m jealous. But not about you being with her. I’ve never felt that. I’m angry and jealous I don’t get to be there with the two of you. You will get all these years with her that I won’t have. It’s not fair.”

Seth studied him for a long time before speaking again. “So what was your original plan? To freaking share her?”

“Yes. Once I realized she loved you I talked to her about it. Not about specifically training you to be her Master. Just about moving you in and seeing what happened.”

“You’re a bigger fucking man than I am.”

He shrugged. “I love to make her happy. It’s not like she begged me to do it, but she loved the idea when I brought it up. We figured if nature took its course and things worked out, then I could talk to you about the BDSM stuff and see if you’d be interested in learning that.”

“How were you planning on keeping that secret?”

“We weren’t. We were just going to tone it way down around you so you didn’t know the full extent of what we were doing, that’s all.”

“Last night she sounded like this plan was a surprise to her. About the making me her master shit.”

He shrugged. “You’ve seen how she is. I don’t like to tell her more than I have to. If I’d told her my worries, she would have panicked and thought something was wrong with me. I was going to ease you into the Dom training with her and figured after a year or two it would be an automatic assumption on her part. She would have naturally accepted you as her Dom, so if anything did happen to me, you could simply pick up from that point and move on with her.” He picked at his fingernails. “I never figured on having to give you a crash course like this.”

Seth remained quiet, trying to absorb this new information.

Kaden eventually spoke again. “If you’re going to back out on us, I need to know. Right now. As in right now. Because I have to make plans for her. Can I count on you?”

“You said honesty was the most important thing. What else haven’t you told me?”

“That’s it. I’m sorry. I was trying not to dump everything on you at once. It was shitty enough circumstances to begin with.”

Seth leaned against the counter and closed his eyes.

kaden’sdying

There had been times, stretches of hours, where he didn’t hear that mental heartbeat. Could almost kid himself that it wouldn’t happen.

Kaden’s voice dropped to nearly a whisper. “I need you, Seth. She needs you. You can doubt yourself all you want, but I know you. I know you would rather die than let her down.”

“I still can’t get over you wanting to share her.”

“She’s not your average woman. You and I are it for her. Imagine how hard it was on her all those years watching you with those women. It killed her. I wasn’t kidding when I said there were nights I had to gag her to shut her up. Not just that, give her sessions in the playroom to take her mind off of things. Lots of distraction. She hated your wives. I told her she couldn’t dump her feelings on you, because while I could understand why she felt that way, I knew it would freak you out.”

“Such an understatement, you have no clue.”

“The right woman, Seth. We’re not the only people in the world who live in a poly triad. At least, for a little while, we can make her happy, make her dream come true.” He looked sad again. “Not as many years as I had hoped.”

“I can’t share her with someone else, dude. I mean, yeah, you. Okay. She’s your wife. What if she falls in love with someone else in the future? I can’t do that.”

“She would never make you do that. In nearly twenty years, she’s never expressed an interest in anyone else but you. Ever. She would have sat back until the day she died and never told you how she felt if I’d had a problem with it. She didn’t want to admit it to me, but I saw her. I saw how she tried to take care of you. I’ve never seen her react to someone the way she reacts to you. She’s always been naturally submissive to you. I’ve seen her take on old farts on the boards at some of those nonprofits, and she’s a fucking ballbuster. She normally doesn’t take shit from people. You know that. She trusts you. She’s always trusted you.”

Despite his new flurry of conflicting emotions, Seth had to admit he’d always felt a connection with Leah. Something he’d never had with his ex-wives or girlfriends.

Something he’d always wished he had.

“Admit it,” Kaden whispered. “You’ve always loved her, too.”

Seth studied the Italian tile floor. He remembered the day he went with Leah to help her pick it out, how she’d deferred to him, asked him the pros and cons of this versus different ones.

How she’d trusted him.

His eyes lifted to the cabinets. The day she picked out the style and finish, Kaden had sat in the showroom, a subtle smile on his face, while Leah asked Seth for his opinions.

The house was full of memories of helping Leah make decisions about it. Kaden had never, not once, spoken his opinion. He’d told Seth that whatever Leah wanted, Leah got.

At the time, Seth assumed it was simply the words of a loving husband with a pretty fat bank account.

Now he saw it in a new light, illuminated from a different point of view.

Leah calling him, sometimes fifteen or twenty times a day while the house was being built, asking for his opinion on something. When he asked Kaden about it, nervous it might be construed the wrong way, Kaden shrugged. “If it doesn’t bother me, it shouldn’t bother you. If she’s bugging you, tell her. She’ll try not to.”

No, it hadn’t bugged him, although it pissed his ex off every time she saw Leah’s number show up on his phone.

In fact, he wouldn’t deny he’d dragged his feet on a few things, trying to prolong the experience.

He’d really missed talking to Leah when the house was done.

Leah asking him, almost a hopeful look in her eye, if he liked something she’d picked.

Not Kaden.

Him.

The paint and carpet and furniture. The landscaping.

Taking him with them when she shopped for mattresses for the guest rooms, making him lie down and try them all out, picking the one he’d liked the best…

Fuck.

He met Kaden’s eyes again. His friend watched him from across the kitchen. “Can I count on you?” he quietly asked again.

Seth nodded. “I won’t let her down. Or you.”

Kaden nodded, sighing. “I know you’re weirded out and don’t want to discuss details. I understand that. Just know that whenever you’re ready…” He smiled. “We’ve got a big fucking bed, dude.”

Seth laughed and closed his eyes. “I’m sooo not ready to have this conversation, Kade.”

“She’s going to be upset she didn’t get to wake you up this morning.” Seth didn’t miss the playful gleam in his friend’s eye.

Seth patted his stomach. He’d managed to lose ten pounds over the past several weeks despite Leah’s great and plentiful cooking. “Yeah, well, I need to go jogging. I’ve got to get in shape. If I’m going to do this, I need to get my ass in gear and get my body back in condition. I look like a fucking slob compared to you.”

Kaden laughed and left the kitchen. Seth decided to forgo the coffee until after his run, sure that Leah, once released by Kaden, would come looking for him and he might not get out of the house once she got her hands on him.

Literally.

While muggy, the morning hadn’t turned obnoxiously hot yet. Seth set a fast pace, pushing himself, trying to remember his Army PT crap that he’d spent too many months and years trying to forget. He needed to get into shape. That wasn’t bullshit on his part.

He needed to get in shape because he promised Kade he’d help. Leah needed him.

And as much as he despised exercise, he would do it for them.

For Leah.

Sure enough, a few minutes after Seth returned from his run and stepped into the shower, Leah tapped on his bathroom door.

“Yeah?”

She stepped in and closed the door behind her. She was naked, except for the collar. When she opened the shower door he didn’t stop her.

“Want me to scrub your back?”

“That’s not the part of me you want to scrub, and you damn well know it.”

She smiled. “I never said I didn’t want to scrub other parts of you too.”

He motioned her inside. She stood behind him and wrapped her arms around him, pressing her body against his.

Damn, she felt good.

She slid her hands down his abs and found his cock. Just the sight of her stepping into the shower had made him hard again. As Seth rested his forehead against the shower wall, Leah worked her fingers up and down his shaft and around his balls. Not just her hands but the feel of her arms around him, her body pressed against his…

It would be easy to turn around and pin her against the wall and fuck her silly. He bet she was wanting him to do just that, probably wet and ready to go for him.

Fuck.

He pressed his palms flat against the cool tile and closed his eyes. She felt damn good. The only thing stopping him was a realization he’d had on his jog. Maybe Kaden could feel compersion or whatever the fuck it was called. Maybe Kade was a bigger man than him, able to share his wife.

But when all was said and done, Seth wasn’t sure he could share those feelings. He wasn’t sure he could share Leah with Kaden.

If he didn’t take that one final step, it wasn’t so painful for him to watch her walk through that bedroom door every night and close it and know she was curled up with his best friend.

Guilt wouldn’t eat him alive over the jealousy he felt.

Because if he didn’t take that last step, she was still just Kaden’s wife, and his personal guilt over getting involved with her was limited in scope. He felt he had no right to stake a claim to her if he didn’t claim her in the first place.

If he didn’t claim her, maybe Kaden wouldn’t die.

Conscious thought escaped him as she brought him close and finally gave him release. He bucked his hips in time with her hands, softly moaning as he shot off all over her fingers.

He felt her kiss his back, between his shoulder blades.

“How was that?” she whispered.

“Good,” he said, his voice ragged. He couldn’t face her. He gently patted her arm. “Thank you. Let me finish up, and I’ll be out in a little bit for breakfast.”

“Okay.”

He didn’t move until he heard her leave the bathroom. Then he leaned against the wall, laid his forehead against his arm, and silently cried.

Kaden was working in his study when Seth emerged from his bedroom a little while later. If Leah noticed his red eyes, she said nothing. She was once again dressed in a long T-shirt.

“Here’s your breakfast.”

He tried not to look her in the eye. “Thank you, hon.”

She left him alone, perhaps sensing his disquiet. She was always good about that. Like she clued in and seemed to know when to hover and when to clear out.

Maybe that was one of the things that made her a good slave.

God, he couldn’t get used to using that word when referring to Leah.

He didn’t want to face Kaden yet. He really didn’t want to feel the force of Leah’s eyes on him either. He retrieved a six-foot singletail and took it out to the backyard, started practicing on a tree. Kaden had told him if he could start taking the tips off of leaves without knocking the leaf off the tree, he’d be on his way to mastering it.

Seth would be happy if he could just hit the freaking tree.

He worked for over an hour, taking his time, trying for accuracy instead of power. When his arm had reached its limit for throwing the whip, Seth sat in the shade under one of the large live oaks toward the back of the property, his back against the trunk, facing the woods. Their property bordered a large state park, a nature reserve. It wasn’t unusual to see deer early in the morning or late in the evening.

What the fuck was he doing? Why was he holding out? Part of him called himself a fucking dumbass. That part was located immediately north of his testicles and south of his navel.

Kaden wanted him to do it. Leah wanted him to do it. His own body wanted him to do it.

His heart and mind and conscience wouldn’t let him do it.

Seth closed his eyes. What they were asking him to do went against every grain of his being. Yes, some of the BDSM stuff was easier to deal with now. He imagined making love to Leah was yet another milestone he’d have to deal with. He spent his life in mediocrity and he damn well knew it. He hadn’t gone to college, had joined the Army to try to figure out what to do with his life. Kaden was always the smart one, the one with his shit together. And while Seth knew he wasn’t a stellar success in his life, he’d tried to always deal honestly and honorably. He’d never cheated on his wives or girlfriends—ever. He’d never knowingly gone out with a woman who was already involved with someone else.

Fucking his best friend’s wife was not honorable.

No matter how much all three of them wanted it.

He couldn’t put it off much longer.

He sat there for over an hour when he heard footsteps in the grass. He knew from the sound it was Kaden.

“Can I join you?”

Seth nodded.

Kaden stretched out in the shade. “What’s on your mind?”

He shrugged. “Lots of stuff. Just trying to make a bunch of freaking square pegs fit in round holes.”

“BFH.”

Seth laughed. “Yeah. Bigger fucking hammer time, all right.” He was quiet for a moment. “I know you probably think I’m a chickenshit.”

“I don’t think that about you. I never have. I never will, either.”

“Come on, Kade. You’re the successful big-shot attorney. I’m the fuckup. Let’s face it, even when we were kids, everyone thought of me as your mercy friend. I still don’t know why you liked me all these years.”

“Because you’re my friend. Because you didn’t give a shit that I was a big-shot attorney. You were always willing to volunteer to help me with projects or just come over and hang out, and you never asked me for anything.”

“Bullshit! I’ve asked you for tons of stuff over the years.”

Kaden rolled over onto his back and stared up at the branches. “I don’t give a shit about favors and stuff. You never asked me for anything you couldn’t give back in return. You never tried to use me. You never tried to ask me for money. You never tried to get free legal advice from me. When you got divorced, you never asked me to handle your cases or even for a referral. I had to practically force you to take Mike’s name and number. I’ve always been ‘just Kaden’ to you.”

“Yeah, well who the hell else would you be?”

“That’s my point.” He leveled his grey eyes at Seth. “I don’t trust my own brother and sister the way I trust you. I sure as hell don’t like them the way I love you.”

Seth was quiet for a moment. He smirked. “Still not doing you.”

Kaden laughed. “Me either.” They sat there for several long, quiet minutes while two squirrels chattered and chased each other in the branches overhead. “What’s really going on?” Kaden quietly asked. “It’s more than feeling guilty.”

Seth shrugged.

“This has to—absolutely must—happen…before. You know that.”

Seth shrugged again. “I know.”

“You didn’t have a problem with it that one time.”

“Uh, yeah, thanks to the freaking tequila. Oh, and, by the way, she wasn’t your wife.”

“It’s more than that.” Kaden sat up. “You can’t put off the inevitable on my end by putting off the inevitable on yours. This is for her. I want to see her happy. I meant it when I said she’s fantasized about you plenty of nights. Let’s make her dream come true while we still can.”

“Be a little more fucking eager to pimp your wife out, why dontcha?”

“Damn it, it’s not the same thing and you know it!”

Seth stewed. He did. He also didn’t want to admit the truth.

“This week, you’re taking Leah to the club. Alone. Tony will be there if you have questions.”

Seth’s jaw clenched. “I don’t think I’m ready.”

“Yes, you are. You’re a damn sight more ready than most of the asshole wannabes that show up. Leah trusts you to take her. Just go, play an easy scene, and come home. That’s all you have to do.”

Seth didn’t respond.

“You need that alone time with her.”

“Fuck, Kade, that’s taking you away from her. She doesn’t have much time left with you!”

“Is that what this is about?” he quietly asked. “That you feel guilty you’re spending time with her and it’s taking time away from me?”

Seth didn’t answer. That was part of it, but not all.

“I already told you, we’ve got a big bed. Feel free to sleep in it with us every night.”

“I don’t know,” Seth whispered, “if I can handle seeing her…” He couldn’t finish.

Kaden studied him. Then, after a long moment, he spoke. “You don’t know if you can handle seeing her make love to me.”

Seth closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and nodded.

The laughter surprised Seth enough he opened his eyes. Kaden was howling, loud and hearty.

“I don’t see what’s so fucking funny.” And it sort of pissed him off.

Kaden shook his head and laughed harder. When he finally could speak, he said, “Dude, that’s great!”

“I think you’re getting off on fucking with my mind.”

“No! Don’t you see?” He sat up again and looked at Seth. “You’re jealous—of me!”

“You sure you don’t have brain cancer, because you’re acting like you’ve got no brains left.”

“You love her, asshole! That’s what I’ve been trying to get through your thick goddamned skull! It’s what I want to happen, because the more you love her, the less likely you are to divorce her at the end of the first year!”

Seth wasn’t yet ready to admit that he didn’t give a shit about the time limit. If Leah would have him forever, he’d keep her forever.

Kaden still tried to reason with him. “Would you do anything to make her happy?”

Seth nodded. Of course he would. He’d do anything, including trade places with Kaden so she didn’t lose him.

“Having you and me, together, would make her the happiest woman on the face of the planet. Maybe so goddamned happy that, for a little while at least, she wouldn’t be thinking of the thing that’s going to make her pretty miserable for a long time. Is it worth it to you to make her happy?”

As whacked as it was, he couldn’t deny Kade’s logic was valid.

Whacked, but valid.

Kaden leaned in a little and dropped his voice. “Here’s what I feel. When I think about her being alone with you, yes, I feel a little jealous. Not because I don’t want her with you, but because I’m not there with her. When I watch you make her come while we’re having a session, I stand back and I enjoy how she’s enjoying it. It’s what I don’t see and I’m not a part of that rips me up. Being there and seeing and hearing her enjoy herself…it’s great. Think about it.”

Seth did. He had to admit in retrospect that, yeah, it was always a lot easier to watch Kade work with her than it was to lie alone in bed and wonder what they were doing behind closed doors.

“Okay. I can wrap my head around that,” Seth admitted.

They sat in silence for a few more minutes. “Does she ever take charge?” Seth asked.

Kaden laughed. “Oh yeah. Buddy, there’s been times she’s hopped on and rode me like a fucking pony. All I could do was just lie back and let her have fun.”

Kaden left him alone. After another few minutes, Seth returned to the house.

Leah had dinner in the oven, and it smelled great. He let her hug him. Admittedly, putting his arms around her felt right. Kaden’s words hung in his brain. Yes, it was the unseen he hated. When his imagination ran wild and he couldn’t be part of what was happening.

But to see her enjoy herself…

She was beautiful.