The Reluctant Dom

Chapter Twenty-Six

Was it only a month since they lost him? Seth watched Leah sleeping one morning. He knew she struggled with depression despite the good days of mental and emotional decompression they’d had in the Bahamas. Perhaps it was time to take her to the doctor. Every morning she sluggishly awoke and started her day, more a rote routine than with genuine enthusiasm.

They spent their days talking, quietly watching TV, and he played his guitar for her, soothing her to sleep.

The worst of her tears hadn’t returned, although it wasn’t uncommon for him to find her crying in the middle of the day sometimes.

She hadn’t mentioned killing herself anymore either.

Thank God.

He hesitated to drug her, afraid she might come to rely on it instead of dealing with things.

She rolled over and cuddled up to him. How long until he saw the light in her eyes again?

Would he ever see it?

It didn’t matter what she claimed. Would she ever truly come to love him as much as she loved Kaden? Easy enough for her to swear before they lost him, but with the truth in front of her, perhaps she couldn’t.

She opened her eyes. “Good morning,” he said.

Leah offered up a sad smile. “Good morning, Master.”

Crap. It would be a bad day for her. She was going formal right off the bat. He stroked her cheek. “Do you feel like making coffee this morning?”

She nodded, then slowly climbed out of bed to do it. He watched her walk, naked, through the bedroom door.

Their bedroom.

He could almost feel Kaden’s presence with them, an empty longing for his friend. And yet he couldn’t bear to change a single thing in the house. Leah had told him if he wanted to, she was okay with it.

He didn’t want to.

Maybe that wasn’t healthy, but he didn’t care. It was a connection, a tangible link to his friend.

He suspected never again in his life would he ever have a friend like Kaden.

Ed stopped by a little after lunch. Leah was taking a nap. Seth walked outside to greet him when he heard his car pull up.

“I have something to give you,” Ed said, walking around to his trunk.

Inside was filled with boxes. He reached in and handed one to Seth, grabbed another.

“What’s this?”

“They’re all for you. They’re Kaden’s old journals.”

Seth stopped short and nearly dropped the box. “What?”

Ed nodded. “You’ll want them in the study. Lock them in the closet until you’ve read them all. I’ll give you the card here in a minute. All of these boxes are yours. He printed out the newer ones on the computer, saved them on CD for backup, too.”

Numb, Seth helped him unload them all. Then he noticed the boxes were neatly labeled in Kaden’s handwriting, from one to seven. He looked inside one box and saw every journal was labeled with a number.

Ed handed him the index card. Seth sat to read it. It had been over two weeks since the last card. He’d both missed and dreaded them.

139 – Me Again

Hey. Yeah, I know. Surprise! Heh, heh, heh. Listen, I didn’t tell you about these before because I didn’t want you trying to read them all and learn stuff at the same time. And some of the stuff… Well, you’ll see. I wanted Ed to wait to give them to you to give you time to process everything. Please start at the first one and read through them in order. They’re numbered for you. Don’t cheat and skip to the last one. I mean, you know how the story ends. Ha-ha. Sorry. Anyway, enjoy, buddy. If Leah wants to read them, don’t let her do it until after you’ve read them all first, and only if you think she’s strong enough. There’s some stuff in there for her, but I never let her read them when I was alive. I love you, man. Love and kisses to our girl for me.

Seth sat back and fought his tears. Just when he thought he had a handle on his grief, Kaden popped out of the woodwork again and it poured out of him anew.

“You okay?” Ed asked.

Seth nodded. It took him a few minutes to speak without choking up. “Yeah. How much other stuff is there?”

“I’m not supposed to tell you. Nothing like this. This was the biggest bombshell. Mostly cards and a few more DVDs.”

Seth nodded. “Okay. I’m guessing there’s one for the anniversary?” Just so he’d know what to expect.

Ed nodded. “I can tell you that much.” He scratched his chin. “I’m not supposed to tell you there are ones for his birthday, yours, hers, their wedding anniversary, your first anniversary with her, Thanksgiving, Christmas, things like that.”

“Okay.” Seth took a deep breath.

He started reading that evening after Leah went to sleep. The first journal started when they were in junior high. He didn’t write every day. Usually a couple of times a week on average. Seth was startled to read Kaden’s entries.

Seth and I went out fishing today. Man that was a blast! If it hadn’t been for him, I would have lost the first one I landed…

Seth came over today for help with his math. If I could just get stupid Denise to leave us alone. I wanted to brain my bratty sister. He helped me fix my bike…

That stupid asshole in our sixth period English class, David, he got pissed because I wouldn’t let him cheat off me. He said he was going to pound me. Thank God Seth walked up when he did. I think Seth’s going to be taller than me…

He sat back, stunned. No, not every entry was about him. But shit he didn’t even remember happening, here it was in black and white.

And he’d played a starring role in much of it.

He never dreamed… He always saw Kaden as his strong and steady rock. He never imagined he was the same for Kade.

Three days later he’d worked up to Kaden’s college days and his friend’s take on the threesome.

Man, that was fucking INTENSE! I will never, till my dying day, forget that. I never could or would have done that with anyone but Seth, but MAN…

Seth choked up as he worked his way through the journal.

I took Seth out for lunch today. He leaves for basic training tomorrow. What the hell am I going to do without my best friend? God, I’m not much into prayer, but please let my buddy come home safe when he’s done with all of this…

Weeks later, Kaden wrote:

Seth’s coming back from basic tomorrow! He’ll only be home for a week before he ships out, but damn it I’m going to be so glad to see him!

Seth checked to make sure Leah was still asleep. She still spent most afternoons napping, although her naps were slowly growing shorter in duration.

He returned to the study, locked the door, and cried.

The next day he read about when Kaden first met Leah.

She’s so beautiful! But she looks so scared, like that rabbit I raised for 4H that time. Like the slightest thing would send her running…

Only three days, I know she’s the one! I’ve never felt about anyone like this before. I can’t wait for Seth to meet her…

A short time later, Kade wrote,

She broke up with me. I don’t know what I did wrong, but I can’t lose her. It’s like the thought of being without her rips my heart right out of my chest. I’ve got to do something, convince her that I love her. Damn it I wish I could call Seth and talk to him, ask him for advice, for his help. She scared the shit out of me when I caught her with that knife. Then I wanted to take it and kill her father myself after she finally confessed what she’s been through. Fuck. I can’t let her get away. God help that bastard if he ever gets out of prison and tries to contact her. I’ll kill him with my bare hands. Hell, Seth can help me hide the body…

He laughed at that. How many times over the years had they joked that “friends help you move, and real friends help you move bodies”? They’d always claimed they were “body-moving friends.”

Kade’s entry the day after the first spanking.

I felt like total shit, man. I have never, EVER, hit a woman. But I’ll do whatever I have to do to make her happy and keep her from hurting herself. Even if I hate myself every time I do it…

It took Seth another three weeks to work his way through to the day Kaden first found out.

I went to the doc today. I’m going to get a second opinion. This can’t be right. What am I going to do?

Kaden journaled even more frequently in his last months, leaving Seth a detailed blueprint of things he might not have covered well enough in person.

The final entry, dated the day before Seth called hospice.

It’s close. I can feel it. I wake up every morning first surprised I’m even here, and then mad I won’t be there for them. And then grateful that Leah has stood by my side for this journey, and beyond grateful that Seth has joined us and is here for me and then will be there for her. We finally get our happily ever after, and I can’t be here longer for it. Fuck. Seth, man, I love you, brother. You know that. I’m so sorry to bail on you like this. I feel like I’m letting you down. I’d hoped it would be the three of us forever. I know there’s no miracle, and I know these journals aren’t a substitute for the real thing. I hope reading them helps you understand why. Helps you understand her, and how I could share her with you. I don’t expect you to share her with anyone. Frankly, I hope you don’t. No one understands our girl as well as you do now. I’ve told Ed to wait a month before giving these to you if Leah seems to be hanging in there. If not, I told him to wait a little longer because I don’t want you stressing, and I want your focus to be totally on her if she needs you.

I don’t seriously think I have any worries after a year, do I? Really? Let’s face it, you love her as much as I do. I knew it from the first time you guys met, I think. I never admitted that to you or her before. It didn’t matter. In a way I was glad, because I knew then I’d met a girl good enough for you, buddy. I wish I’d been brave enough to talk to you sooner, years ago. This would have all been so much easier with you here from the start, from before my life got ripped apart.

I always had this weird thought, even years ago, when we were kids, that I wished we could marry the same girl and all be together. I had no idea what that meant back then, only that the thought of not seeing or talking to you every day ripped me up from the inside out. I thought I was weird or freaky. I didn’t know then what I know now, duh. I hated it when you were gone overseas. I worried about you every day, fucking missed you like crazy.

How much of our lives, any of us humans, do we live spent in fear of some sort? I was always worried you’d think I was gay or something, and that was never it at all. I just…wanted you there. With me. I had no frame of reference to explain it before. And I couldn’t tell you how much I hated your wives. Not because of them (well, okay, a little) but because they cut into how much time I could spend with you.

I was so happy when I knew Leah loved you. Fuck, I wanted to jump up and down and scream it! You have no idea. I’m sorry I didn’t admit that to you sooner. I should have, but again, you had so much on your plate to deal with. Why one more worry? I knew you’d understand later, as you lived with us. As you felt it yourself.

The right woman. I’m sorry I can’t be here longer with you and her to enjoy…

Seth closed the journal and took a deep breath. He needed time to compose himself. Twenty minutes later, he started reading again.

…and her to enjoy our life together. Please make sure she understands how sorry I am about that. And you too. I never would have shared her with anyone else. I know you don’t want to share her with anyone else. And I think maybe she sensed how much I loved you. Maybe that’s why she was able to feel the way I did about you, even though I never admitted everything to her. Tell her I’m sorry about that, too.

If she reads this, then babe, please understand, I didn’t know how to tell you. You know how much Seth’s meant to me all these years. He’s been my rock. He was the one person I knew—besides you—would always be there for me, who would be honest with me and didn’t give a shit who or what I was. I could have been a bum somewhere, and Seth would still be my friend. I always wished he’d been my brother. I always wanted to spend the nights at his house when we were kids, loved his mom and dad even more than my own, I think. They were fantastic.

Well, I can’t write forever, can I? Ha-ha. I’ve given Ed, as you’ve already seen by now, lots of instructions, lots of things to give both of you. Hopefully to keep the two of you going. I’m sorry I’ve got to leave you sort of flying blind. I’ve never been through something like this before, but I have every faith in you, Seth, that you will keep her safe and keep her wanting to live. Or get her back to wanting to live. She loves you. She’ll respond to you if nothing else.

Find your own path with her. Don’t worry about trying to do everything exactly the way I did it. That won’t work for you, and it’ll leave her confused and angry. She’ll understand and adapt better if you start trying to do things your own way. I don’t expect you to change things overnight, but do what feels right for you. Don’t worry about if I’d approve. If you keep your promise to me and her, that’s all I care about. The details of how you do that don’t matter to me. I know you love her and will do everything in your power to keep her safe and loved.

Take care, and go in peace, brother. I love you, Seth. I love you, Leah. You have both made me so proud.

Seth sobbed. That Kaden’s words were so much his own at the end…it sent a shiver up his spine. And that last piece clicked into place.

He understood. Finally.

Completely, utterly.

When he was a kid, maybe six, around that age, he remembered going to one of his cousin’s weddings. Thinking how cool it’d be if his best friend and him could be together, Seth had asked his mom if two guys could marry the same girl. She’d gotten this horrified look on her face and said, “Don’t be ridiculous!”

He’d never dared, ever, to ask about it again.

He never dreamed Kaden had thought the same thing. But then again, didn’t it fit? They were like twins in many ways, born only weeks apart. Their mothers had drifted apart as close friends over the years before their respective deaths, but their own friendship had never faltered, never wavered. It had grown stronger, deeper.

He carried the papers—Kaden had put the later journals into three-ring binders for him—into the bedroom.

Leah awoke as he climbed into bed with her. When she saw his face, sleep left her system.

“What’s the matter?”

He held her close and read Kaden’s final journal entry to her. This one time, he knew she should see it out of order. By the time he finished, she was sobbing, too, clinging to him.

Then he told her. He admitted what he’d never told anyone else.

Admitted what he’d wished he’d told Kaden years ago.

She finally sat up and looked at him, wiped his tears away, and kissed him. “I love you, and I don’t want anyone else. Ever. I’ve lost Kaden, but I still have you.”

“I won’t share you. I’m telling you that right now.”

She smiled. It was the first time he’d seen a smile actually reach her eyes since Kaden’s death. “I hope to hell you don’t. It’d really piss me off.”