The Schopenhauer Cure

19

_________________________

The flower replied: You

fool! Do you imagine I

blossom in order to be

seen? I blossom for my

own sake because it

pleases me, and not for

the sake of others. My

joy consists in my being

and my blossoming.

_________________________

Bonnie opened the next meeting with an apology. «Sorry to one and all about my

exit last week. I shouldn`t have done that but...I don`t know...it was out of my

control.»

«The devil made you do it.» Tony smirked.

«Funny. Funny, Tony. Okay, I know what you want.I chose to do it

because I was pissed. That better?»

Tony smiled and gave her the thumbs–up signal.

In the gentle voice he always used when addressing any of the women in

the group, Gill said to Bonnie, «Last week after you left, Julius suggested you

might have felt pissed at being ignored here—that basically the group replayed

your description of what routinely happened to you in your childhood.»

«Pretty accurate. Except I wasn`t pissed.Hurt is a better term.»

«I know pissed,” said Rebecca, «and you were good ‘n` pissed at me.»

Bonnie`s face clouded over as she turned to Rebecca. «Last week you said

that Philip had clarified the reason you don`t have girlfriends. But I don`t buy

that. Envy of your good looks isnot the reason you don`t have girlfriends or at

least why you and I haven`t become close; the real reason is that you`re basically

not interested in women—or at least you`re not interested in me. Whenever you

say something to me in the group, it is always to bring the discussion back to

you.»

«I give you feedback about the way you handle—or, mostly,don`t handle—

anger, and then I get accused of being self–centered.» Rebecca bristled. «Do you

or don`t you want feedback? Isn`t that what this group is about?»

«What I want is for you to give me feedback aboutme. Or about me and

someone else. It`s always about you, Rebecca—or you and me—and you`re so

attractive it always swings things back to you and away from me. I can`t compete

with you. But it`s not only your fault; the others play into this, and I need to ask

all of you a question.»

Bonnie swiveled her head looking briefly at each member in turn as she

said, «I never really get your interest—why not?»

The men in the room looked down. Bonnie didn`t wait for an answer but

continued: «And another thing, Rebecca, what I`m saying to you about girlfriends

is not news to you. I can remember clear as a bell you and Pam having an

identical go–around about this.»

Bonnie turned to Julius. «Speaking of Pam, I`ve been meaning to ask you,

«Any news of her? When is she coming back? I miss her.»

«That was fast!» Julius said, «Bonnie, you are the master of the whirlwind

segue! But for the moment I`m going to let you get away with it and answer your

question about Pam, mainly because I was going to announce that she e–mailed

me from Bombay. She`s finished her meditation retreat and will be returning soon

to the States. She should be here for the next meeting.»

Turning to Philip, Julius said, «You remember I mentioned Pam, our

missing member, to you?»

Philip replied with a brief nod.

«And,you, Philip, are the master of the fast nod,” said Tony. «It`s amazing

how much you stay in the middle of things without ever looking at anyone and

without saying very much. Look at all this stuff going on around you. Bonnie and

Rebecca squabbling over you. What are you feeling about all this? What are you

feeling about the group?»

When Philip did not immediately reply, Tony appeared uncomfortable. He

looked around the group: «Shit, whatis this? I feel like I`m breaking some kind of

rule here, like farting in church. I`m just asking him the same kind of question

everyone asks everyone else.»

Philip broke the short silence. «Fair enough. I require time to collect my

thoughts. Here`s what I was thinking. Bonnie and Rebecca have similar

afflictions. Bonnie cannot tolerate being unpopular, whereas Rebecca cannot

tolerate beingno longer popular. Both are hostages to the caprice of what others

think. In other words, happiness, for both of them, lies in the hands and heads

ofothers. And for both the solution is the same:the more one has in oneself, the

less one will want from others. ”

In the silence that followed one could almost hear sounds of cerebral

mastication as the group attempted to digest Philip`s words.

«It doesn`t appear that any of you are about to respond to Philip,” said

Julius, «so I want to address an error I think I made a couple of minutes ago.

Bonnie, I shouldn`t have gone along with your segue to Pam. I don`t want a

repeat of last week when your needs were not dealt with. A few minutes ago you

were talking about why the group often overlooked you, and I thought you took a

courageous step by asking everyone why you could not get their interest. But look

what happened then: in the very next breath you switched to Pam`s return to the

group, and, presto, in a couple of minutes, your question to us faded into history.»

«I noticed that, too,” said Stuart. «So, Bonnie, it`s like you arrange for us to

ignore you.»

«That`s good feedback.» Bonnie nodded her head. «Very good. I probably

do that a lot. I`ll do some thinking about that.»

Julius pressed on, «I appreciate the thanks, Bonnie, but I can`t help feeling

you`re doing the same thing now. Aren`t you saying, in effect, ‘that`s enough

focus on me.` I should have a Bonnie bell here and ring it every time you switch

away from yourself.»

«So what do I do?» Bonnie asked.

«Give us the reason you had no right to request feedback from us,” Julius

suggested.

«I guess I just don`t feel important enough.»

«But is it okay for others here to make this kind of request?»

«Oh, yes.»

«That means that others here are more important than you?»

Bonnie nodded.

«So, Bonnie, try this,” Julius continued, «look around at each of the

members here and answer this question:Who in this group is more important than

you? And why. ” Julius could hear himself purring. He was coasting in familiar

waters. For the first time in a while, certainly since Philip had entered the group,

he knew exactly what he was doing. He had done what the good group therapist

should do: he had translated one of his patient`s central issues into the here–and–now, where it could be explored firsthand. It was always more productive to focus

on the here–and–now than to work on the patient`s reconstructions of an event

from the past or from current outside life.

Swiveling her head to glance briefly at each person in the group, Bonnie

said, «Everyonehere is more important than I am—a lot more important.» Her face

was flushed, her breathing rapid. As much as she craved attention from others, it

was obvious that she now wanted nothing more than invisibility.

«Be specific, Bonnie,” Julius urged. «Whois more important.Why? ”

Bonnie looked around, «Everybody here. You, Julius—look how you`ve

helped everyone. Rebecca is drop–dead gorgeous, a successful lawyer, great kids.

Gill is the CFO of a large hospital—as well as being a hunk. Stuart—well, he`s a

busy doctor, helps children, helps parents; he has success written all over him.

Tony...” Bonnie paused for a moment.

«Welllll? This`ll be interesting.» Tony, dressed as always in blue jeans, a

black T–shirt, and sneakers splattered with paint stains, leaned back in his chair.

«First of all, Tony, you`re you—no posturing, no games, just pure honesty.

And you bad–mouth your profession, but I know you`re no ordinary carpenter;

you`re probably an artist at your work—I see that BMW roadster you scoot

around in. And you`re a hunk, too, I love you in a tight T–shirt. How`s that for

risk?» Bonnie looked around the group circle. «And, who else? Philip—you`ve

got intelligence to burn, you know everything—a teacher, you`re going to be a

therapist, your words fascinate everyone. And Pam? Pam is awesome, a university

professor, a free spirit; she compels attention; she`s been everywhere, knows

everyone, has read everything, stands up to anyone.»

«Reactions, anyone, to Bonnie`s explanation of why she`s less important

than each of you?» Julius`s eyes circled the group.

«Her answer doesn`t make sense to me,” said Gill.

«Can you tell her?» said Julius.

«Sorry, what I mean is—and I don`t want to offend—but Bonnie, your

answer sounds regressive...”

«Regressive?» Bonnie screwed her face up in puzzlement.

«Well, what this group is about is that we`re all just human beings trying to

relate in a human way to one another, and that we check our roles, our degrees,

our money, and our BMW roadsters at the door.»

«Amen,” said Julius.

«Amen,” chimed in Tony, who added, «I`m with Gill, and, just for the

record, I bought that roadster used and it`s put me in hock for the next three

years.»

«And Bonnie,” Gill continued, «in your go–round what you did was focus

exactly on those external things—professions, money, successful kids. None of

those relate to why you are the least important person in this room. I consider you

very important. You`re a key member; you`re engaged with all of us; you`re

warm, giving; you even offered me a place to sleep a couple of weeks ago when I

didn`t want to go home. You keep the group focused; you work hard here.»

Bonnie held her ground. «I`m a drag; my whole life has been about shame

for my alcoholic parents, always lying about my family. Inviting you home, Gill,

was a big event for me—I could never invite kids home, full of fear that my father

would show up drunk. What`s more, my ex–husband was a drunk, my daughter`s

a heroine addict...”

«You`re still evading the point, Bonnie,” said Julius. «You talk of your

past, your daughter, your ex, your family...butyou, where areyou ?»

«Iam these things, a composite of all these things; what else can I be? I`m a

boring pudgy librarian, what I do is to catalog books...I...I don`t know what you

mean. I`m confused, I don`t know where or who I am.» Bonnie began to cry,

pulled out a tissue, blew her nose loudly, closed her eyes, raised both hands and

drew circles in the air, and, between the sobs, muttered, «This is enough for me;

it`s all I can take today.»

Julius shifted into another gear and addressed the entire group. «Let`s take a

look at what`s happened the past several minutes. Who`s got some feelings or

observations?» Having succeeded in moving the group into the here–and–now, he

advanced to the next step. In his view the work in therapy consisted of two

phases: first interaction, often emotional, and second, understanding that

interaction. That`s the way therapy should proceed—an alternating sequence of

evocation of emotions and then understanding. So he now attempted to switch the

group into the second phase by saying, «Let`s back up and take a dispassionate

look at what`s just transpired.»

Stuart was about to describe the sequence of events when Rebecca jumped

in: «I think the important thing was Bonnie giving her reasons for feeling

unimportant and then assuming we would all agree. That`s when she became

confused and cried and said she had had enough—I`ve seen her do that before.»

Tony said, «Yeah, I agree. Bonnie, you do get emotional when you get a lot

of attention. Are you embarrassed by the spotlight?»

Still sobbing, Bonnie said, «I should have been appreciative, but look what

a mess I made of it. And look at how much better others would`ve used this time.»

«The other day,” Julius said, «I had a conversation with a colleague about

one of his patients. He said she had a habit of catching spears thrown at her and

then stabbing herself with them. Maybe I`m being a little loose here, Bonnie, but

that popped in mind when I saw how you take things and punish yourself with

them.»

«I know you`re all feeling impatient with me. I guess I still don`t know how

to use the group.»

«Well, you know what I`m going to say, Bonnie. Exactlywho here was

impatient? Look around the room.» The group could absolutely count on Julius

asking this question. He had never been known to let such a statement go by

without honing in on it and asking for names.

«Well, I think Rebecca wanted me to stop.»

«Whhhattt? Why I...”

«Hold up a minute, Rebecca,” Julius was being unusually directive today.

«Bonnie, what exactly did you see? What cues did you pick up?»

«About Rebecca? Well, she was silent. Didn`t speak a word.»

«I can`t win. I was doing my best to be quiet so you couldn`t accuse me of

taking attention from you. Can`t you recognize a gift?»

Bonnie was about to respond when Julius asked her to continue with her

descriptions of who was bored.

«Well, nothing I can spell out concretely. But you can just tell when people

are bored. I bore myself. Philip wasn`t looking at me, but then he never looks at

anyone. I know the group was waiting to hear from Philip. What he said about

popularity was far more interesting to the group than my whining.»

«Well, I wasn`t bored with you,” replied Tony, «and I didn`t see anyone

else bored either. And what Philip had to say wasnot more interesting; he stays so

much in his head that I don`t get real excited by his comments. I don`t even

remember them.»

«I do,” said Stuart. «Tony, after you commented about how he was always

in the center of things despite saying so little, he said that Bonnie and Rebecca

had a very similar problem. They`re overinvested in the opinions of others:

Rebecca gets too inflated and Bonnie too deflated—it was something like that.»

«You`re being a clicker again,” said Tony, pantomiming holding a camera

and taking pictures.

«Right. Keep me honest. I know, I know—less observations, more feelings.

Well, I agree that Philip is somehow central without having to say much. And it

does feel like breaking the rules to confront Philip about anything.»

«That`s an observation and an opinion, Stuart,” said Julius. «Can you go to

the feelings?»

«Well, I guess I have some envy about Rebecca`s interest in Philip. I felt

that it was odd no one asked Philip how he felt about that—well, that`s not quite a

feeling, is it?»

«Closer,” said Julius. «First cousin to a feeling. Keep going.»

«I feel threatened by Philip. He`s too smart. Also I feel ignored by him.

And don`t like being ignored.»

«Bingo, Stuart, now you`re honing in,” said Julius. «Any questions for

Philip?» Julius labored to keep his tone soft and delicate. His job was to help the

group include, not to threaten and exclude Philip by insisting he perform in a

manner not yet possible. It was for that reason he called upon Stuart rather than

the more confrontative Tony.

«Sure, but it`s hard to ask Philip questions.»

«He`s right here, Stuart.» Another fundamental Julius rule: never allow

members to speak of one another in the third person.

«Well, that`s the issue. It`s hard to talk to him...” Stuart turned to Philip, «I

mean, Philip, it`s hard to talk to you because you never look at me. Like right

now. Why is that?»

«I prefer to keep my own counsel,” said Philip, still gazing toward the

ceiling.

Julius was poised to leap into the discussion if needed, but Stuart stayed

patient.

«I don`t follow.»

«If you ask something of me, I want to search within myself, free of any

distractions, in order to give you my best possible answer.»

«But your not looking at me makes me feel we`re not in contact.»

«But my words must tell you otherwise.»

«How about walking and chewing gum?» interjected Tony.

«Pardon?» Philip, puzzled, turned his head but not his eyes toward Tony.

«Like, how about doing both at the same time—looking at himand giving a

good answer?»

«I prefer to search my own mind. Meeting the gaze of the other distracts me

from searching for the answer the other might wish to hear.»

Silence prevailed while Tony and the others mulled Philip`s response.

Stuart then posed another question: «Well, let me ask you, Philip, all that

discussion about Rebecca`s preening for you—how did that make you feel?»

«You know,” Rebecca`s eyes showed fire, «I amreally beginning to resent

this, Stuart...it`s as though Bonnie`s fantasy has now passed into the books as

gospel.»

Stuart refused to be diverted. «Okay, okay. Delete that question. Philip, I`ll

ask you this: how did you feel about all the discussion about you the last

meeting?»

«The discussion was of great interest, and I am unflaggingly attentive.»

Philip looked at Stuart and continued, «But I have no emotional responses if that`s

your inquiry.»

«None? That doesn`t seem possible,” replied Stuart.

«Before beginning the group I read Julius`s book on group therapy and was

well prepared for the events of these meetings. I expected certain things to

happen: that I would be an object of curiosity, that some would welcome me and

some not, that the established hierarchy of power would be unsettled by my

entrance, that the women might look favorably upon me and the men unfavorably,

that the more central members might resent my appearance while the less

influential ones might be protective of me. Anticipating these things has resulted

in my viewing the events in the group dispassionately.»

Stuart, as Tony before him, was stunned by Philip`s response and lapsed

into silence as he digested Philip`s words.

Julius said, «I`ve a bit of a dilemma...” He waited a moment. «On the one

hand,” he continued, «I feel it`s important to follow up this discussion with Philip,

but I`m also concerned about Rebecca. Where are you, Rebecca? You look

distressed, and I know you`ve been trying to get in.»

«I`m feeling a little bruised today and shut out, ignored. By Bonnie, by

Stuart.»

«Keep going.»

«There`s a lot of negative stuff coming my way—about being self–centered,

not being interested in woman friends, about posturing for Philip. It stings. And I

resent it.»

«I know what that`s like,” said Julius. «I have those same knee–jerk

reactions to criticism. But let me tell you what I`ve learned to do. The real trick is

to think of feedback as a gift, but first you must decide whether it`s accurate. The

way I proceed is to check in with myself and ask whether it clicks with my own

experience of myself. Does any part, even a tad of it, even five percent, ring true?

I try to recall if people in the past had given me this feedback before. I think about

other people with whom I can check it out. I wonder if someone is honing in on

one of my blind spots, something they see that I do not. Can you try this?»

«That`s not easy, Julius. I feel tight about it.» Rebecca clasped her hand to

her sternum. «Right here.»

«Give that tightness a voice. What`s it saying?»

«It`s saying, ‘How will I look?` It`s shame. It`s being found out. This

business about people noticing my playing with my hair. Makes me cringe, makes

me want to say, ‘It`s none of your fucking business—it`s my hair—I`ll do what I

want with it.`”

In his most teacherly voice Julius responded, «Years ago there was a

therapist named Fritz Perls who started a school called gestalt therapy. You don`t

hear much about him nowadays, but, anyway, he did a lot of focusing on the

body—you know, ‘Look what your left hand is doing right now,` or ‘I see you

stroking your beard a lot.` He`d ask patients to exaggerate the movement: ‘Keep

making a tighter fist with your left hand,` or ‘Keep stroking that beard more and

more vigorously and stay aware of what gets evoked.`

«I always felt there was a lot to Perls`s approach because so much of our

unconscious is expressed through body movements that lie out of our own

awareness. But I`ve never made much use of it in therapy. The reason? Exactly

because of what`s happening now, Rebecca. We often get defensive when others

spot us doing things of which we are unaware. So I understand how

uncomfortable you feel, but even so, can you stay with it and try to learn if there`s

something of value in the feedback?»

«In other words, you`re saying ‘be mature.` I`ll try.» Rebecca sat up

straight, took a breath, and with a determined demeanor began, «First, itis true

that I like attention and that I first came to therapy upset about my aging and

about no longer being stared at by men. So I may have been preening for Philip

but not consciously.» She turned back to the group. «So, mea culpa. I like to be

admired, I like to be loved and adored, I like love.»

«Plato,” Philip interjected, «observed that love is in the one who loves, not

in the one who is loved.»

«Love is in the one who loves not in the one who is loved—That`s a great

quote, Philip,” Rebecca said, flashing a smile. «You see, that`s what I like about

you. Comments just like that. They open my eyes. I find you interesting.

Attractive too.»

Rebecca turned to the group. «Does that mean I want to have an affair with

him? Nope! The last affair I had just about did my marriage in, and I`m not

shopping for trouble.»

«So Philip,” said Tony, «you have feelings about what Rebecca just said?»

«I said before that my goal in life is to will as little as possible and to know

as much as possible. Love, passion, seduction—these are powerful sentiments,

part of our hardwiring to perpetuate our species and, as Rebecca has just made

clear, they may operate unconsciously. But, all in all, these activities serve to

derail reason and interfere with my scholarly pursuits, and I want nothing to do

with them.»

«Every time I ask you something, you give me an answer that`s hard to

argue with. But you never answer my question,” said Tony.

«I think he answered it,” said Rebecca. «He made it clear that he does not

want any emotional involvement, that he wants to stay free and clearheaded. I

think Julius has made the same point—that`s why there`s a taboo against romantic

involvement in the group.»

«What taboo?» Tony addressed Julius. «I never heard that rule said out

loud.»

«I`ve never put it just like that. The only ground rule you heard from me

about relationships outside of the meetings is that there be no secrets and that if

there are any encounters whatsoever outside the group sessions, the members

involved must bring it up in the group. If not, if you keep secrets, it almost always

gums up the work of the group and sabotages your own therapy. That`s my only

rule about outside encounters. But, Rebecca, let`s not lose the thread of what`s

going on between you and Bonnie. Check into your feelings about her.»

«She`s raised some heavy stuff. Is it true I don`t relate to women? I want to

say no. There`s my sister—I`m close to her, sort of—and a couple of other

women attorneys in my office, but, Bonnie, you`re probably putting your finger

on something—there`s definitely more charge, more excitement for me in relating

to men.»

«I`m flashing on college,” said Bonnie, «and how I didn`t have many dates

and how dismissed I felt when some girlfriend thought nothing of canceling out

on me, at the last minute, if she got an invitation from a guy.»

«Yeah, I probably would have done that,” said Rebecca. «You`re right—

men and dating, that was what it was all about. It made some sense then; now it

doesn`t.»

Tony had been continuing to study Philip and approached him again.

«Philip, you know, you`re like Rebecca in some ways. You preen, too, but you do

it with snappy, deep–sounding slogans.»

«I believe your point, «said Philip with eyes closed in deep concentration,

«is that my motivation in voicing observations is not what it seems to be: that it is

instead self–serving, a form of preening in which, if I understand you, I attempt to

evoke Rebecca`s and others` interest and admiration. Is that correct?»

Julius felt on edge. No matter what he did, the focus kept going back to

Philip. At least three conflicting desires fought for his attention: first, to protect

Philip against too much confrontation, second, to prevent Philip`s impersonality

from derailing the intimate discourse, and, third, to cheer Tony on in his efforts to

knock Philip on his ass. But, all in all, he decided to stay on the sidelines for the

time being because the group was handling the situation. In fact, something

important had just happened: for the first time Philip was responding directly,

even personally, to someone.

Tony nodded. «That`s about what I meant, except that it may be more than

just interest or admiration. Try seduction.»

«Yes, that`s a good correction. It`s implied in your wordpreening and thus

you suggest that my motivation parallels Rebecca`s, that is, I wish to seduce her.

Well, that`s a substantial and reasonable hypothesis. Let`s see how to test it.»

Silence. No one responded, but Philip did not appear to be waiting for a

response. After a moment of reflection with his eyes closed he pronounced,

«Perhaps it is best to follow Dr. Hertzfeld`s procedure...”

«Call me Julius.»

«Ah, yes. So, to follow Julius`s procedure, I must first check whether

Tony`s hypothesis is consonant with my inner experience.» Philip paused, shook

his head. «I find no evidence for this. Many years ago I tore myself free from

attachment to public opinion. I firmly believe that the happiest of men are those

who seek for nothing so much as solitude. I speak of the divine Schopenhauer, of

Nietzsche and Kant. Their point, and my point, is that the man of inner wealth

wants nothing from the outside except the negative gift of undisturbed leisure

which permits him to enjoy his wealth—that is, his intellectual faculties.

«In short, then, I conclude that my contributions do not stem from an

attempt to seduce anyone or elevate myself in your eyes. Perhaps there are tatters

of this desire left; I can only say I do not consciously experience it. I do recognize

regret that I myself have only mastered the great thoughts, not contributed to

them.»

In his decades of leading therapy groups Julius had experienced many

silences, but the silence that followed Philip`s response was unlike any other. It

was not the silence accompanying great emotion nor the silence signifying

dependency, embarrassment, or bafflement. No, this silence was different, as

though the group had stumbled upon a new species, a new life–form, perhaps a

six–eyed salamander with feathered wings, and, with utmost caution and

deliberateness, slowly circled it.

Rebecca was the first to respond, «To be so content, to need so little from

others, never to crave the company of others—sounds pretty lonely, Philip.»

«On the contrary,” said Philip, «in the past, when I craved the company of

others, asked for something which they would not, indeed could not, give—

thatwas when I knew loneliness. I knew it very well. To need no person is never

to be lonely. Blessed isolation is what I seek.»

«Yet you`re here,” said Stuart, «and take it from me—this group is the

archenemy of isolation. Why expose yourself to this?»

«Every thinker must support his habit. Either they were fortunate enough to

have had a university stipend like Kant or Hegel or independent means like

Schopenhauer or a day job like Spinoza, who ground lenses for spectacles to

support himself. I have chosen philosophical counseling as my day job, and this

group experience is part of my certification experience.»

«That means, then,” said Stuart, «that you are engaging with us in this

group, but your ultimate goal is to help others never to need such engagement.»

Philip paused and then nodded.

«Let me be sure I got you right,” said Tony. «If Rebecca digs you, comes

on to you, turns on her charm, gives you her amazing killer smile, you`re saying it

has no effect on you? Zero?»

«No, I didn`t say ‘no effect.` I agree with Schopenhauer when he wrote that

beauty is an open letter of recommendation predisposing the heart to favor the

person who presents it. I find that an individual of great beauty is wondrous to

behold. But I`m also saying that someone else`s opinion of me does not, must not,

alter my opinion of myself.»

«Sounds mechanical. Not quite human,” replied Tony.

«What truly felt inhuman was the time when I allowed my estimation of my

value to bob up and down like a cork according to the regard flowing from

inconsequential others.»

Julius stared at Philip`s lips. What a marvel they were. How exactly they

mirrored Philip`s calm composure, how steadfast, how unquavering, as they

shaped each passing word into the same perfect roundness of pitch and tone. And

it was easy to empathize with Tony`s escalating desire to ruffle Philip. But

knowing Tony`s impulsivity might quickly escalate, Julius decided it was time to

steer the discussion into a more benign direction. It was not time to confront

Philip; this was only his fourth meeting.

«Philip, earlier in your comments to Bonnie you said that your aim was to

be helpful to her. And you`ve also given counsel to others here—Gill, Rebecca.

Can you say more about why you do that? It seems to me there is something in

your desire to counsel that goes beyond a day job. After all, there`s no financial

incentive in offering your help to others here.»

«I try always to keep in mind that we are all sentenced to an existence filled

with inescapable misery—an existence which none of us would choose if we

knew the facts ahead of time. In that sense we are all, as Schopenhauer put

it,fellow sufferers, and we stand in need of tolerance and love from our neighbors

in life.»

«Schopenhauer again! Philip, I hear too damn much about Schopenhauer—

whoever he is—and too damn little about you.» Tony spoke calmly, as though

imitating Philip`s measured tone, yet his breathing was shallow and rapid.

Generally, confrontation came easily to Tony; at the time he began therapy

scarcely a week passed without a physical contretemps in a bar, in traffic, at work,

or on the basketball court. Though not a large man, he was fearless in

confrontation; except for one situation—a clash of ideas with an educated

articulate bully, someone exactly like Philip.

Philip gave no sign he intended to respond to Tony. Julius broke the

silence. «Tony, you seem deep in thought. What`s running through your mind?

«I was thinking about what Bonnie said earlier in the meeting about

missing Pam. Me, too. I been missing her today.»

Julius was not surprised. Tony had become accustomed to Pam`s tutelage

and protection. The two of them had had struck up an odd–couple relationship—

the English professor and the tattooed primitive. Using an oblique approach,

Julius said, «Tony, I imagine it`s not easy for you to say, ‘Schopenhauer, whoever

that is.`”

«Well, we`re here to tell the truth,” Tony responded.

«Right on, Tony,” said Gill, «and, I`ll fess up too: I don`t know who

Schopenhauer is.»

«All I know,” noted Stuart, «is that he`s a famous philosopher. German,

pessimistic. Was he nineteenth century?»

«Yes, he died in 1860, in Frankfurt,” said Philip, «and, as for pessimism, I

prefer to think of it asrealism. And, Tony, it may be true I speak of Schopenhauer

overly often, but I have good reason to do so.» Tony seemed shocked that Philip

had addressed him personally. Even so, Philip still made no eye contact. No

longer staring at the ceiling, he looked out the window, as if intrigued by

something in the garden.

Philip continued: «First, to know Schopenhauer is to know me. We are

inseparable, twin–brained. Secondly, he has been my therapist and has offered me

invaluable help. I have internalized him—of course I mean his ideas—as many of

you have done with Dr. Hertzfeld. Wait—I mean Julius.» Philip smiled faintly as

he glanced at Julius—his first moment of levity in the group. «Last, I harbor a

hope that some of Schopenhauer`s sentiments will be of benefit to you as they

have been to me.»

Julius, glancing at his watch, broke the silence that had followed Philip`s

remark. «It`s been a rich meeting, the kind of meeting I hate to bring to an end,

but time`s up today.»

«Rich? What am I missing?» muttered Tony, as he stood and started toward

the door.