_________________________
We should
treat with
indulgence
every
human
folly,
failing,
and vice,
bearing in
mind that
what we
have
before us
are simply
our own
failings,
follies,
and vices.
_________________________
In the following meeting Philip shared neither his
frightening experiences nor his reasons for abruptly leaving
the previous meeting. Though he now participated more
actively in the group discussions, he always did so at his
own choosing and the members had learned that energy
invested in prying Philip open was energy wasted. Hence
they shifted their attention to Julius and inquired whether
he felt usurped by Philip`s ending the meeting last week.
«Bittersweet,” he replied. «The bitter part is being
replaced. Losing my influence and my role is symbolic of
all impending endings and renunciations. I had a bad night
after the last meeting. Everything feels bad at 3A.M. I had a
rush of sorrow at all the endings ahead of me: the ending of
the group, of my therapy with all my other patients, the
ending of my last good year. So, that`s the bitter. The sweet
is my pride in you guys. And that includes you, Philip.
Pride in your growing independence. Therapists are like
parents. A good parent enables a child to gain enough
autonomy to leave home and function as an adult; in the
same way a good therapist`s aim is to enable patients to
leave therapy.»
«Lest there be a misunderstanding, I want to clarify
the record,” Philip proclaimed. «It was not my intention to
usurp you last week. My actions were entirely self–protective: I felt inexpressibly agitated by the discussion. I
forced myself to remain till the end of the meeting, and
then I had to leave.»
«I understand that, Philip, but my preoccupation with
endings is so strong now that I may see portents of endings
and replacement in benign situations. I`m also aware that,
tucked into your disclaimer, is some caring for me. For that
I thank you.»
Philip bowed his head slightly.
Julius continued, «This agitation you describe sounds
important. Should we explore it? There are only five
meetings left; I urge you to take advantage of this group
while there`s still time.»
Though Philip silently shook his head as if to
indicate that exploration was not yet possible for him, he
was not destined to stay silent permanently. In the
following meetings Philip was inexorably drawn in.
Pam opened the next meeting by pertly addressing Gill:
«Apology time! I`ve been thinking about you and think I
owe you one...no, Iknow I owe you one.»
«Say more.» Gill was alert and curious.
«A few months ago I blasted you for never being
present, for being so absent and impersonal that I could not
bear to listen to you. Remember? That was pretty harsh
stuff—”
«Harsh, yes,” interrupted Gill, «but necessary. It was
good medicine. It got me started on my path—do you
realize I haven`t had a drink since that day?»
«Thanks, butthat`s not what I`m apologizing for—
it`s what`s happened since. Youhave changed: you`ve
beenpresent; you`ve been more upfront and more straight
with me than anyone else here, and yet I`ve just been too
self–absorbed to acknowledge you. For that I`m sorry.»
Gill accepted the apology. «And what about the
feedback I`ve given you? Was any of it helpful?»
«Well, your termchief justice shook me up for days.
It hit home; it made me think. But the thing that sticks most
in my mind was when you said John refused to leave his
wife not because of cowardice but because he didn`t want
to deal with my rage.That got to me,really got me thinking.
I couldn`t get your words out of my mind. And you know
what? I decided you were dead right and John was right to
turn away from me. I lost him not because ofhis deficits but
because of mine—he had had enough of me. A few days
ago I picked up the phone, called him, and said these things
to him.»
«How`d he take it?»
«Very well—after he picked himself off the floor.
We ended up having a nice amiable talk: catching up,
discussing our courses, mutual students, talking about
doing some joint teaching. It was good. He told me I
sounded different.»
«That`s great news, Pam,” said Julius. «Letting go of
anger is major progress. I agree you`ve too much
attachment to your hates. I wish we could take an internal
snapshot of this letting–go process for future reference—to
see exactly how you did it.»
«It was all nonvolitional. I think your maxim—strike
when the iron is cold!—had something to do with it. My
feelings about John have cooled enough to step back and
permit rational thought.»
«And what about» asked Rebecca, «your attachment
to your Philip–hatred?»
«I think you`ve never appreciated the monstrous
nature of his actions to me.»
«Not true. I felt for you...Iached for you when you
first described it—an awful, awful experience. But fifteen
years? Usually things cool in fifteen years. What keepsthis
iron red–hot?»
«Last night—during a very light sleep—I was
thinking about my history with Philip and had this image of
reaching into my head and grabbing the entire awful cluster
of thoughts about him and smashing it on the floor. Then I
saw myself bending over, examining the fragments. I could
see his face, his seedy apartment, my soiled youth, my
disillusionment with academic life, I saw my lost friend
Molly—and as I looked at this heap of wreckage I knew
what had happened to me was just...just...unforgivable.»
«I remember Philip saying that unforgiving and
unforgivable were two different things,” said Stuart.
«Right, Philip?»
Philip nodded.
«Not sure I get that,” said Tony.
«Unforgivable,” said Philip, «keeps the responsibility
outside of oneself, whereas unforgiving places the
responsibility on one`s own refusal to forgive.»
Tony nodded. «The difference between taking the
responsibility for what you do or blaming it on someone
else?»
«Precisely,” said Philip, «and, as I`ve heard Julius
say, therapy begins when blame ends and responsibility
emerges.»
«Quoting Julius again, Philip, I like it,” said Tony.
«You make my words sound better than I do,” said
Julius. «And again I experience you drawing closer. I like
that.»
Philip smiled almost imperceptibly. When it was
clear he was not planning to respond further, Julius
addressed Pam: «Pam, what are you feeling?»
«To be honest, I`m floored by how hard everyone
struggles to see change in Philip. He picks his nose, and
everyone oohs and aahs. It`s a joke how his pompous and
trite remarks arouse such reverence.» Mimicking Philip,
she said in a singsong cadence, «Therapy begins when
blame ends and responsibility emerges.»Then, in a raised
voice: «And what aboutyour responsibility, Philip? Not a
goddamn word about it except some bullshit about all your
brain cells changing and therefore it wasn`t you who did
anything. No,you weren`t there.»
After an awkward silence, Rebecca said softly,
«Pam, I want to point out that youare able to forgive.
You`ve forgiven a lot of things. You said you forgave me
for my excursion into prostitution.»
«No victim there—except you,” responded Pam
quickly.
«And,” continued Rebecca, «we`ve all taken note of
how you forgave Julius, instantly, for his indiscretions. You
forgave him without knowing or inquiring whether some of
his friends were injured by his actions.»
Pam softened her voice. «His wife had just died. He
was in shock. Imagine losing someone you had loved since
high school. Give him a break.»
Bonnie pitched in, «You forgave Stuart for his sexual
adventure with a troubled lady and even forgave Gill for
withholding his alcoholism from us for so long. You`ve
done a lot of forgiving. Why not Philip?»
Pam shook her head. «It`s one thing to forgive
someone for an offense to someone else—quite another
thing when you`re the victim.»
The group listened sympathetically but nonetheless
continued. «And, Pam,” said Rebecca, «I forgive you for
trying to make John leave his two young children.»
«Me, too,” said Gill. «And I`ll eventually forgive you
for what you did with Tony here. How about you? Do you
forgive yourself for springing that вЂconfession day` and
dumping him in public?—that was humiliating.»
«I`ve apologized publicly for not consulting with him
about the confession. I was guilty there of extreme
thoughtlessness.»
Gill persisted, «There`s something else, though: do
you forgive yourself for using Tony?»
«Using Tony?» said Pam. «IusedTony ? What are you
talking about?»
«Seems like your whole relationship was one thing—
and a far more important thing—to him than to you. Seems
like you weren`t relating so much to Tony but to others,
perhaps even to Philip,through Tony.»
«Oh, Stuart`s cockamamie idea—I`ve never bought
into that,” said Pam.
«Used?» interjected Tony. «You think I was used?
No complaints here about that—I`m up for being used like
that any time.»
«Come on, Tony,” said Rebecca, «stop playing
games. Stop thinking with your little head.»
«Little head?»
«Your cock!»
When Tony broke into a big lascivious smile,
Rebecca barked, «You bastard, you knew what I meant!
You just wanted to hear me talk dirty. Get serious, Tony,
we don`t have much time left here. You can`t really be
saying you weren`t affected by what happened with Pam.»
Tony stopped smiling, «Well, being suddenly
dumped felt...you know, thrown away. But I`m still
hoping.»
«Tony,” said Rebecca, «you`ve still got a lot of work
to do on relating to a woman. Quit begging—it`s
demeaning. I hear you saying they can use you in any
goddamned way they want because there`s only one thing
you want from them: to get laid. That`s belittling
yourself—and them too.»
«I didn`t think I was using Tony,” said Pam.
«Everything felt mutual to me. But, to be honest, at the time
I didn`t reflect much. I just acted on automatic pilot.»
«As did I, long ago. Automatic pilot,” Philip said
softly.
Pam was startled. She looked at Philip for a few
seconds and then gazed downward.
«I have a query for you,” said Philip.
When Pam did not look up, he added, «A query
foryou, Pam.»
Pam raised her head and faced him. Other members
exchanged glances.
«Twenty minutes ago you said вЂdisillusionmentwith
academic life.` And yet a few weeks ago you said that
when you applied to grad school, you seriously considered
philosophy, even working on Schopenhauer. If that is so,
then I put this question to you:could I have been that
disastrous a teacher? ”
«Inever said you were a bad teacher,” replied Pam.
«You were one of the best teachers I`ve ever had.»
Astonished, Philip stared hard at her.
«Talk about what you`re feeling, Philip,” urged
Julius.
When Philip refused to answer, Julius said, «You
remember everything, every word, Pam says. I think she
matters a great deal to you.»
Philip remained silent.
Julius turned toward Pam. «I`m thinking about your
words—that Philip was one of the best teachers you ever
had. That must have compounded your sense of
disappointment and betrayal.»
«Amen. Thanks, Julius, you`re always there.»
Stuart repeated her words, «One of the best teachers
you ever had!I`m absolutely floored by that. I`m floored by
your saying something so...so generous, to Philip. That`s a
huge step.»
«Don`t make too much of it,” said Pam. «Julius hit
the nail on the head: if anything, his being a good teacher
made what he did even more egregious.»
Tony, taking to heart Gill`s comments about his
relationship with Pam, opened the next meeting by
addressing Pam directly. «This is...like awkward, but I
been holding something back. I want to say that I`m feeling
more bummed out about us than I`ve admitted. I haven`t
done anything wrong to you—you and I were...uh
together...mutual about the sex, and yet now I`m the
person non grata—”
«Personanon grata,” whispered Philip gently.
«Persona non grata.» Tony continued, «And I feel
I`m being punished. We`re not close anymore, and I guess I
miss that. It seems like we were once friends, then lovers,
and now...it`s like...in limbo...nothing...you avoid me.
And Gill`s right: getting dumped in public was humiliating
as hell. Right now I get nothing from you—not getting laid,
not being friends.»
«Oh Tony, I am so so sorry. I know. I made a
mistake—I—we—should never have done this. It`s
awkward for me, too.»
«So how about our going back to where we were
before?»
«Back to?»
«Just friends, that`s all. Just hanging out after the
group, like all the others do here, except for my buddy,
Philip, who`s coming around.» Tony reached over and gave
Philip`s shoulder an affectionate squeeze. «You know,
talking about the group, your telling me about books, all
that stuff.»
«That sounds adult,” answered Pam. «And...it would
be a first for me—usually after an affair I make a clean
tumultuous break.»
Bonnie volunteered, «I wonder, Pam, if you keep
your distance from Tony because you fear he will interpret
a friendly overture as a sexual invitation.»
«Yeah, exactly—there is that—that`s an important
part of it. Tony does get a bit single–minded.»
«Well,” said Gill, «there`s an obvious remedy: just
clear the air. Be straight with him. Ambiguity makes things
worse. Couple of weeks ago I heard you raise the
possibility that maybe the two of you can get together later
after the group ends—is that real or just a phony way of
softening the let–down? It just muddies the waters. Keeps
Tony hanging.»
«Yep, right on!» said Tony. «That statement a couple
weeks ago about our possibly continuing sometime in the
future was big for me. I`m trying to keep everything on an
even keel so I can keep that possibility open.»
«And,” said Julius, «in so doing, you forfeit the
opportunity of doing some work on yourself while this
group and I are still available to you.»
«You know, Tony,” said Rebecca, «getting laid is not
the most important thing, not theonly thing, in the world.»
«I know, I know, that`s why I`m bringing this up
today. Give me a break.»
After a short silence Julius said, «So, Tony, keep
working on this.»
Tony faced Pam. «Let`s do what Gill said—clear the
air—as adults. What do you want?»
«What I want is to go back to where we were before.
I want you to forgive me for embarrassing you by springing
the confession. You`re a dear man, Tony, and I care for
you. The other day I overheard my undergraduate students
using this new term,fuck–buddies —perhaps that`s what we
were and it was fun then but it`s a bad idea now or in the
future—the group takes precedence. Let`s concentrate on
working on our stuff.»
«Okay by me. I`m up for it.»
«So, Tony,” said Julius, «you`re liberated—you`re
now free to talk about all the thoughts you`ve been holding
back lately—about yourself, Pam, or the group.»
In the remaining meetings the liberated Tony returned to
his instrumental role in the group. He urged Pam to deal
with her feelings about Philip. When the potential
breakthrough following her praise of Philip as a teacher
never materialized, he pressed her to work harder on why
she kept her resentment of Philip red–hot yet could find
forgiveness for others in the group.
«I`ve already said,” Pam answered, «that obviously
it`s much easier to forgive others, like Rebecca, or Stuart,
or Gill, because I was not a personal victim of their offense.
My life wasn`t altered by what they did. But there`s more. I
can forgive others here because they`ve shown remorse
and, above all, because they`ve changed.
«I`ve changed. I do believe, now, it`s possible to
forgive the person but not the act. I think I might be
capable of forgiving a changed Philip.But he hasn`t
changed. You ask why I can forgive Julius—well, look at
him: he never stops giving. And, as I`m sure you`ve all
figured out, he`s been giving us a final gift of love: he`s
teaching us how to die. I knew the old Philip, and I can
attest he`s the same man you see sitting here. If anything,
he`s colder and more arrogant.»
After a short pause she added, «And an apology from
him wouldn`t hurt.»
«Philip, not changed?» said Tony. «I think you`re
seeing what you want to see. All those women he used to
chase—that`schanged.» Tony turned to Philip. «You
haven`t really spelled it out, but it`s different. Right?»
Philip nodded. «My life has been very different—I
have been with no woman in twelve years.»
«You don`t callthat change?» Tony asked Pam.
«Or reform?» said Gill.
Before Pam could respond, Philip interjected,
«Reform? No, that`s inaccurate. The idea ofreformation
played no role. Let me clarify: I have not changed my life,
or, as it`s been put here, my sex addiction, by virtue of
some moral resolution. I changed because my life was
agony—no longer bearable.»
«How did you take that final step? Was there a last–straw event?» asked Julius.
Philip hesitated as he considered whether to answer
Julius. Then he inhaled deeply and began, speaking
mechanically as though wound up with a key: «One night I
was driving home after a long orgy with an exceptionally
beautiful woman and thought that now, if ever in my life, I
had gotten all I wanted. I had had my surfeit. The aroma of
sexual juices in the car was overpowering. Everything
reeked of fetid flesh: the air, my hands, my hair, my
clothes, my breath. It was as though I had just bathed in a
tub of female musk. And then, on the horizon of my mind I
could spot it—desire was gathering strength, readying to
rear its head again.That was the moment. Suddenly my life
made me sick, and I began to vomit. And it was then,”
Philip turned to Julius, «when your comment about my
epitaph came to mind. Andthat was when I realized that
Schopenhauer was right: life is forever a torment, and
desire is unquenchable. The wheel of torment would spin
forever; I had to find a way to get off the wheel, and it was
then I deliberately set about patterning my life after his.»
«And it`s worked for you all these years?» said
Julius.
«Until now, until this group.»
«But you`re so much better now, Philip,” said
Bonnie. «You`re so much more in touch, so much more
approachable. I`ll tell you the truth—the way you were
when you first started here...I mean I could never have
imagined me or anyone else consulting you as a counselor.»
«Unfortunately,” Philip responded, «being вЂin touch`
here means that I must share everyone`s unhappiness. That
simply compounds my misery. Tell me, how can this
вЂbeing in touch` possibly be useful? When I was вЂin life` I
was miserable. For the past twelve years I have been a
visitor to life, an observer of the passing show, and»—
Philip spread his fingers and raised and lowered his hands
for emphasis—«I have lived in tranquillity. And now that
this group has compelled me to once again be вЂin life,` I am
once again in anguish. I mentioned to you my agitation
after that group meeting a few weeks ago. I have not
regained my former equanimity.»
«I think there`s a flaw in your reasoning, Philip,”
said Stuart, «and that has to do with your statement that you
were вЂin life.`”
Bonnie leaped in, «I was going to say the same thing.
I don`t believe you were ever in life, notreally in life.
You`ve never talked about having a real loving
relationship. I`ve heard nothing about male friends, and, as
for women, you say yourself that you were a predator.»
«That true, Philip?» asked Gill. «Have there never
been any real relationships?»
Philip shook his head. «Everyone with whom I`ve
interacted has caused me pain.»
«Your parents?» asked Stuart.
«My father was distant and, I think, chronically
depressed. He took his own life when I was thirteen. My
mother died a few years ago, but I had been estranged from
her for twenty years. I did not attend her funeral.»
«Brothers? Sisters?» asked Tony.
Philip shook his head. «An only child.»
«You know what comes to my mind?» Tony
interjected. «When I was a kid, I wouldn`t eat most things
my mother cooked. I`d always say вЂI don`t like it,` and
she`d always come back with вЂHow do you know you don`t
like it if you`ve never tasted it?` Your take on life reminds
me of that.»
«Many things,” Philip replied, «can be known by
virtue of pure reason. All of geometry, for example. Or one
may have some partial exposure to a painful experience and
extrapolate the whole from that. And one may look about,
read, observe others.»
«But your main dude, Schopenhauer,” said Tony,
«didn`t you say he made a big deal about listening to your
own body, of relying on—what did you say?—your instant
experience?»
«Immediate experience.»
«Right,immediate experience. So wouldn`t you say
you`re making a major decision on second–rate,
secondhand info—I mean info that`s not your own
immediate experience?»
«Your point is well taken, Tony, but I had my fill of
direct experience after that вЂconfession day` session.»
«Again you go back to that session, Philip. It seems
to have been a turning point,” said Julius. «Maybe it`s time
to describe what happened to you that day.»
As before, Philip paused, inhaled deeply, and then
proceeded to relate, in a methodical manner, his experience
after the end of that meeting. As he spoke of his agitation
and his inability to marshal his mind–quieting techniques,
he grew visibly agitated. Then, as he described how his
mental flotsam did not drift away but lodged in his mind,
drops of perspiration glistened on his forehead. And then,
as Philip spoke of the reemergence of his brutish, rapacious
self, a pool of wetness appeared in the armpits of his pale
red shirt and rivulets of sweat dripped from his chin and
nose and down his neck. The room was very still; everyone
was transfixed by Philip`s leakage of words and of water.
He paused, took another deep breath, and continued:
«My thoughts lost their coherence; images flooded pell–mell into my mind: memories I had long forgotten. I
remembered some things about my two sexual encounters
with Pam. And I saw her face, not her face now but her
face of fifteen years ago, with a preternatural vividness. It
was radiant; I wanted to hold it and...” Philip was prepared
to hold nothing back, not his raw jealousy, not the caveman
mentality of possessing Pam, not even the image of Tony
with the Popeye forearms, but he was now overcome by a
massive diaphoresis, which soaked him to the skin. He
stood and strode out of the room saying, «I`m drenched; I
have to leave.»
Tony bolted out after him. Three or four minutes
later the two of them reentered the room, Philip now
wearing Tony`s San Francisco Giants sweater, and Tony
stripped to his tight black T–shirt.
Philip looked at no one but simply collapsed into his
seat, obviously exhausted.
«Bring вЂem back alive,” said Tony.
«If I weren`t married,” said Rebecca, «I could fall in
love with both you guys for what you just did.»
«I`m available,” said Tony.
«No comment,” said Philip. «That`s it for me
today—I`m drained.»
«Drained? Your first joke here, Philip. I love it,” said
Rebecca.