The Schopenhauer Cure

29

_________________________

I have not

written for the

crowd.... I hand

down my work to

the thinking

individuals who

in the course

of time will

appear as rare

exceptions.

They will feel

as I felt, or

as a

shipwrecked

sailor feels on

a desert island

for whom the

trace of a

former fellow

sufferer

affords more

consolation

than do all the

cockatoos and

apes in the

trees.

_________________________

«I`d like to continue where we left off,” said Julius, opening the

next meeting. Speaking stiffly, as though from a prepared text, he

rushed on, «Like most therapists I know, I`m pretty open about

myself to close friends. It`s not easy for me to come up with a

revelation as raw and pristine and right out there on the edge as

those some of you have shared recently. But there is an incident

I`ve revealed only once in my life—and that was years ago to a

very close friend.»

Pam, sitting next to Julius, interrupted. Putting her hand on

his arm, she said, «Whoa, whoa, Julius.You don`t need to do this.

You`ve been bullied into this by Philip, and now, after Tony

exposed his bullshit motives, even Philip has apologized for

requesting it. I, for one, don`t want you to put yourself through

this.»

Others agreed, pointing out that Julius shared his feelings all

the time in the group and that Philip`s I–thou contract was a setup.

Gill added, «Things are getting blurred here. All of us are

here for help. My life`s a mess—you saw that last week. But so far

as I know, Julius,you`re not having problems with intimacy. So

what`s the point?»

«The other week,” Rebecca said, in her clipped precise

speech, «you said I revealed myself in order to give Philip a gift.

That was partially correct—but not the whole truth: now I realize I

also wanted to shield him from Pam`s rage. However, that said, my

point is...whatis my point? My point is that confessing what I did

in Las Vegas was good therapy for me—I`m relieved to have

gotten it out. But you`re here to help me, and it`s not going to help

me one bit for you to reveal yourself.»

Julius was taken aback—such strong consensus was an

oddity in this group. But he thought he knew what was happening.

«I sense a lot of concern about my illness—a lot of taking care of

me, not wanting to stress me. Right?»

«Maybe,” said Pam, «but for me there`s more—there`s

something in me that doesn`twant you to divulge something dark

from your past.»

Julius noted others signaling agreement and said, to no one

in particular: «What a paradox. Ever since I`ve been in this field

I`ve heard an ongoing chorus of complaints from patients that

therapists were too distant and shared too little of their personal

lives. So here I am, on the brink of doing just that, and I`m greeted

by a united front saying, ‘We don`t want to hear. Don`t do this.` So

what`s going on?»

Silence.

«You want to see me as untarnished?» asked Julius.

No one responded. «We seem stuck, so I`ll be ornery today

and just continue and we`ll see what happens. My story goes back

ten years ago to the time of my wife`s death. I had married Miriam,

my high school sweetheart, while I was in medical school, and ten

years ago she was killed in a car crash in Mexico. I was devastated.

To tell the truth, I`m not sure I`ve ever recovered from the horror

of that event. But to my surprise, my grief took a bizarre turn: I

experienced a tremendous surge in sexual energy. At that time I

didn`t know that heightened sexuality is a common response to

confrontation with death. Since then I`ve seen many people in grief

become suffused with sexual energy. I`ve spoken with men who`ve

had catastrophic coronaries and tell me that they groped female

attendants while careening to the ER in an ambulance. In my grief,

I grew obsessed by sex, needed it—a lot of it—and when our

friends, both married and unmarried women, sought to comfort me,

I exploited the situation and took sexual advantage of some of

them, including a relative of Miriam`s.»

The group was still. Everyone was uneasy, avoided locking

gazes; some listened to the shrill chirping of a finch sitting in the

scarlet Japanese maple outside the window. From time to time over

many years of leading groups Julius had wished he had a

cotherapist. This was one of those times.

Finally, Tony forced some words out: «So, what happened to

those friendships?»

«They drifted away, gradually evaporated. I saw some of the

women over the years by chance, but none of us ever spoke of it.

There was a lot of awkwardness. And a lot of shame.»

«I`m sorry, Julius,” said Pam, «and sorry about your wife—I

never knew that—and of course about...about

those...relationships.»

«I don`t know what to say to you, Julius,” said Bonnie.

«This feels really awkward.»

«Say more about the awkwardness, Bonnie,” said Julius,

feeling burdened by the chore of being his own therapist in the

group.

«Well, this is brand new. This is the first time you`ve ever

laid yourself out like this in the group.»

«Go on. Feelings?»

«I feel very tense. I think it`s because this is so ambiguous.

If one of us,” she waved her arm around, «brings something

painful to the group, we know what we should do—I mean we get

right to work even though we may not know exactly how to do it.

But with you, I don`t know...”

«Right, what`s not clear iswhy you`re telling us,” said Tony,

leaning forward, eyes squinting under his bushy eyebrows. «Let

me ask something I learned from you. It came up last week in

fact.Why now? Is it because you made a bargain with Philip? Most

folks here say no about that—that the bargain makes no sense. Or

do you want help with feelings remaining from that incident? I

mean, your reasons for sharing aren`t clear. If you want my

personal reactions, I got no problem with what you did. I`ll tell you

straight out, I feel the same way I felt about Stuart and Gill and

Rebecca—I personally don`t see the big deal about what you did. I

could see myself doing that. You`re lonely, sexed up, some broads

ask to comfort you, you let them, and everybody has a good time.

They probably got off on it too. I mean, we`re talking about ladies

as though they only get used or exploited. I get riled, really riled,

by this picture of men begging for some scrap of sex which

women, sitting on their thrones, may or may not decide to toss out

as a favor. As though they don`t get off too.»

Tony turned his head at the sound of Pam slapping her head

as she covered her face with her hands and noted that Rebecca, too,

had her hands to her head. «Okay, okay, maybe I`ll toss those last

cards and just stick with the cards saying,Why now? ”

«Good question, Tony. I appreciate your getting me started.

A few minutes ago I was wishing I had a cotherapist here to help

me, and then you come along and do the job. You`re good at this.

Therapy could have been a good career for you. Let`s see.Why

now? I`ve asked that question so many times, and yet this may be

the first time I`ve had it come my way. First, I think you`re all

right–on when you say it`s not because of my bargain with Philip.

Yet I can`t dismiss that entirely because there is something to his

point about the I–thou relationship. To quote Philip, the idea is ‘not

without merit.`” Julius smiled at Philip but received no smile in

return.

Julius continued, «What I mean is, thereis some problem

with the lack of reciprocity in the authentic therapy relationship—

it`s a knotty question. So addressing that problem is part of my

reason for accepting Philip`s challenge.»

Julius wanted a response. He felt he had been speaking too

long. He turned to Philip. «How doyou feel about what I`ve said so

far?»

Philip jerked his head around, startled at Julius`s question.

After a moment`s deliberation he said, «It seems generally agreed

here that I`m one of those who have chosen to reveal a great deal.

That`s inaccurate. Someone in the group revealed something about

their experience with me, and I revealed what I did only in the

service of historical accuracy.»

«Want to tell me what`s that got to do with anything?» asked

Tony.

«Exactly,” said Stuart. «Talk about accuracy, Philip! First,

for the record, I`m not one who`s thought you`ve revealed

yourself. But, mainly I want to say your answer is nowhere near

the mark. It has zero to do with Julius`s question about your

feelings.»

Philip seemed to take no offense. «Right. Okay, back to

Julius`s question—I think I was confounded by his question

because Ihad no feelings. There was nothing in what he said to

warrant an emotional response.»

«Thatat least is relevant,” said Stuart. «Your earlier response

came out of left field.»

«I am so tired of your pseudodementia game here!» Pam,

slapping her thigh in exasperation, spit out her words to Philip.

«And I`m pissed at your refusing to give me a name! This referring

to me as ‘someone in the group` is insulting and imbecilic.»

«Bypseudodementia you imply I feign ignorance?» said

Philip, avoiding Pam`s glare.

«Glory be,” said Bonnie, raising her arms, «A first. The two

of you are acknowledging one another, actually speaking.»

Pam ignored Bonnie`s remark and continued speaking to

Philip. «Pseudodementia is a compliment compared to its

alternative. You say you can find nothing in Julius`s remark

warranting a response. Howcan anyone have no responses to

Julius?» Pam`s eyes blazed.

«For example?» asked Philip. «You obviously have

something in mind for me to feel.»

«Let`s trygratitude for taking you and your thoughtless and

insensitive question seriously. Let`s tryrespect for keeping his I–thou promise to you. Or how aboutsorrow for what he went

through in the past. Orfascination or evenidentification with his

unruly sexual feelings. Oradmiration for his willingness to work

with you, with all of us, despite his cancer. And that`s just for

starters.» Pam raised her voice: «How could younot have

feelings?» Pam looked away from Philip, breaking off their

contact.

Philip didn`t answer. He sat still as a Buddha, leaning

forward in his chair, gazing at the floor.

In the deep silence following Pam`s outburst Julius

wondered how best to continue. Often it was better to wait—one of

his favorite therapy axioms was«strike when the iron is cold!»

Viewing therapy, as he so often did, as a sequence of

emotion activation followed by integration, Julius reflected upon

the abundance of emotional expression today. Perhaps too much.

Time to move on to understanding and integration. Choosing an

oblique route, he turned to Bonnie, «So, what about the‘glory be!

`”

«Reading my thoughts again, Julius? How do you do it? I

was just thinking about that crack and regretting it. I`m afraid it

came out wrong and sounded mocking. Did it?» She looked at Pam

and then Philip.

«I didn`t think so at the time,” said Pam, «but yeah, looking

back, there`s some mocking there.»

«Sorry,” said Bonnie. «But this boiling caldron here, you

and Philip sniping, all those carom shots—I just felt relieved by the

directness. And you?» she turned to Philip. «You resent my

comment?»

«Sorry.» Philip continued looking down. «It didn`t register. I

was only aware of the glare in her eyes.»

«Her?» said Tony.

«In Pam`s eyes.» He turned to Pam, his voice quavered for

an instant, «in your eyes, Pam,”

«Okay, man,” said Tony, «nowwe`re rolling.»

«Were you scared, Philip?» asked Gill. «It`s not easy to be

on the receiving end ofthat, is it?»

«No, I was entirely preoccupied in my search for some way

of not allowing her glare, her words, her opinion to matter to me. I

mean, Pam,your words,your opinion.»

«Sounds like you and I have something in common, Philip,”

said Gill. «You`re like me—we both have our problems with

Pam.»

Philip looked at Gill and nodded, perhaps a nod of gratitude,

Julius thought. When it seemed clear that Philip was not going to

offer more, Julius looked around the group to bring in other

members. He never passed up an opportunity to widen the

interaction network: with the faith of an evangelist he believed that

the more members involved in the interaction, the more effective

the group. He wanted to engage Pam—her outburst toward Philip

was still ringing in the air. To that end, he addressed Gill and said,

«Gill, you say it`s not easy to be on the receiving end of Pam`s

comments...and last week you referred to Pam as the chief

justice—can you say more?»

«Oh, it`s just my stuff, I know, I`m not sure and I`m not a

good judge of this, but—”

Julius interrupted, «Stop! Let`s freeze the action right here.

At this instant.» He turned to Pam: «Look at what Gill just said. Is

that related to your saying you don`t or can`t listen to him?»

«Exactly,” said Pam. «Quintessential Gill. Look, Gill, here`s

what you just announced:‘Don`t pay any attention to what I`m

about to say. It`s not important—I`m not important—it`s just my

stuff. Don`t want to offend. Don`t listen to me.` Not only do you

disqualify yourself, but it is vapid. Downright tedious. Christ, Gill!

You got something to say? Just stand up and say it!»

«So, Gill,” Julius asked, «if you were goingto say it straight

out without preamble, what would it be?» That good old

conditional voice ploy.

«I`d say to her—to you, Pam—youare the judge I fear here.

You sit in judgment of me. I`m uneasy—no, I`m downright

terrified, in your presence.»

«That`s straight, Gill.Now I`m listening,” said Pam.

«So, Pam,” said Julius, «that`s two men here—Philip and

Gill—who express fear of you. Do you have some reaction to

that?»

«Yep—a big reaction: ‘That`s their problem.`”

«Any possibility that it`s also your problem?» said Rebecca.

«Maybe other men in your life have felt this too.»

«I`ll think about it.»

«Feedback, anyone, about this last interchange?» Asked

Julius.

«I think Pam`s being a little dodgy,” said Stuart.

«I agree. I get the feeling that you`re not going to think too

hard about it, Pam,” said Bonnie.

«Yep, you`re dead right. I think I`m still smarting from

Rebecca saying she wanted to protect Philip from my rage.»

«It`s a dilemma, isn`t it, Pam?» said Julius. «As you just said

to Gill, you value no–bullshit feedback. Yet when you get it, ouch,

how it smarts.»

«That`s true—so maybe I`m not as tough as I appear. And,

Rebecca, that did hurt.»

Rebecca said, «I`m sorry, Pam; that wasn`t my intention.

Supporting Philip is not identical to attacking you.»

Julius waited and wondered in which direction to guide the

group. There were many possibilities. Pam`s rage and

judgmentalism were on the table. And what about the other men,

Tony and Stuart? Where were they? And the competitiveness

between Pam and Rebecca was still on the table. Or should the

group deal with the unfinished business with Bonnie and her

mocking statement? Or perhaps focus more on the outburst from

Pam to Philip? He knew it was best to be patient; it would be a

mistake to push too fast. After only a handful of meetings there

had been definite progress toward dГ©tente. Maybe they had done

enough today. Hard to gauge, though; Philip gave little away. But

then, to Julius`s surprise, the group took an entirely unanticipated

direction.

«Julius,” said Tony, «I been wondering. You okay with the

response to what you revealed?»

«Well, we didn`t get very far. Let me think about what

happened. You told me how you felt and so did Pam, and then she

and Philip got into it about his not having feelings about my

revelation. And, Tony, I never really answered your question about

‘why now.` Let me go back to that.» Julius took time to gather his

thoughts, keenly aware that his self–revelation, or that of any

therapist, always had double implications: first, whatever he got

out of it for himself and, second, the modeling that it set for the

group.

«I can tell you that I was not about to be deterred from

revealing what I did. I mean, almost everyone here tried to stop

me, but I felt bullheaded, absolutely determined to continue. This

is very unusual for me and I`m not sure I understand it fully, but

there`s something important there. You inquired, Tony, whether I

was asking for help with it—or maybe asking for forgiveness. No,

that wasn`t it; long ago I forgave myself after spending years

working on it with my friends and with a therapist. One thing I can

tell you for sure: in the past, I mean before my melanoma, I would

never, not in a thousand years, have said what I said in the group

today.

«Before my melanoma,” Julius continued. «That`s the key.

We`ve all got a death sentence—I know you all pay me well for

such cheery pronouncements—but the experience of having it

certified, stamped, and even dated has sure caught my attention.

My melanoma is giving me a strange sense of release that`s got a

lot to do with my revealing myself today. Maybe that`s why I`ve

been yearning for a co–therapist—someone objective who can

make sure that I continue acting in your best interests.»

Julius stopped. Then, he added, «I noted that none of you

responded earlier when I commented on how you were taking care

of me today.»

After a few more moments of silence, Julius added, «And

you`re still not.You see, this is why I miss having a co–therapist

here. I`ve always believed that if there`s something big that`s not

being talked about, then nothing else that`s important can be

worked on either. My job is to remove obstacles; the last thing I

want is tobe an obstacle. Now, it`s hard for me to get outside

myself, but I feel you`re avoiding me, or let me put it this way,

avoidingmy mortal illness. ”

Bonnie said, «Iwant to discuss what`s happening to you; but

I don`t want to cause you pain.»

Others agreed.

«Yep, now you`ve put your finger right on it. Now listen

hard to what I`m going to say: there`s only one way you can hurt

me—and that is to cut yourself off from me. It`s hard to talk to

someone with a life–threatening illness—I know that. People have

a tendency to tread gently; they don`t know the right thing to say.»

«That`s right–on for me,” said Tony. «I don`t know what to

say. But I`m going to try to stay with you.»

«I sense that, Tony.»

«Isn`t it so,” said Philip, «that people fear contact with the

afflicted because they wish not to be confronted with the death that

awaits each of them?»

Julius nodded. «That sounds important, Philip. Let`s

examine it here.» If anyone but Philip had said this, Julius would

have been sure to ask whether they were expressing their own

feelings. However, at this stage, he wanted only to support Philip`s

appropriateness. He scanned the group, awaiting a response.

«Maybe,” said Bonnie, «there`s something to what Philip

said because I`ve had a couple of recent nightmares of something

trying to kill me, and then there was that nightmare I described—

trying to catch that train which was falling apart.»

«I know that under the surface I`m more fearful than usual,”

said Stuart. «One of my tennis chums is a dermatologist, and twice

now in the last month I`ve asked him to check out one of my skin

lesions. Melanoma is on my mind.»

«Julius,” said Pam, «you`ve been on my mind ever since you

told me about your melanoma. There is something to what I`m

being told about my being tough on men, but you`re the main

exception—you are the dearest man I`ve ever known. And yes, Ido

feel protective of you. I felt it when Philip put you on the spot. I

thought—and still think—it was callous and insensitive of him.

And the question of whether I`m more conscious of my own

death—well, that may be there, but I`m not aware of it. Ican tell

you that I`m on the lookout for consolatory things I might say to

you. Last night I read something interesting, a passage in

Nabokov`s memoir,Speak, Memory, which described life as a

spark between two identical pools of darkness, the darkness before

we were born and the darkness after we die. And how odd it is that

we have so much concern about the latter and so little about the

former. I somehow found this enormously reassuring and

immediately tagged it to give to you.»

«That`s a gift, Pam. Thank you. That`s an extraordinary

thought. And itis a reassuring thought, though I`m not quite sure

why. I`m more comfortable with that first pool, before birth—it

seems friend–lier—perhaps I imbue it with promise, the potential

of things to come.»

«That thought,” said Philip, «was also reassuring to

Schopenhauer, from whom, incidentally, Nabokov undoubtedly

lifted it. Schopenhauer said that after death we will be what we

were before our birth and then proceeded to prove the impossibility

of there being more than one kind of nothingness.»

Julius never had a chance to reply. Pam glared at Philip and

barked a response: «Right here we have a perfect illustration of

why your desire to be a counselor is a monstrous joke. We`re in the

midst of tender feelings, and what matters most, whatonly matters

to you, is accuracy of attribution. You think Schopenhauer once

said something vaguely similar. Big fucking deal!»

Philip closed his eyes and began reciting: «вЂ˜A man finds

himself, to his great astonishment, suddenly existing after

thousands and thousands of years of non–existence; he lives for a

little while; and then, again, comes an equally long period when he

must exist no more.` I`ve committed a great deal of Schopenhauer

to memory: third paragraph of his essay ‘Additional Remarks on

the Doctrine of the Vanity of Existence.` Is that vague enough for

you?»

«Children, children, you two quit that,” said Bonnie, in a

high–pitched voice.

«You`re getting loose, Bonnie. I like it,” said Tony.

«Other feelings, anybody?» asked Julius.

«I don`t want to get caught inthis crossfire. Some big

cannons being wheeled out,” said Gill.

«Yeah,” said Stuart, «neither of them can resist the

opportunity for a jab. Philip`s got to comment on someone else

using Schopenhauer`s phrase, and Pam can`t resist the opportunity

to call Philip a monstrous joke.»

«I didn`t sayhe was a monstrous joke. I said...”

«Get off it, Pam, you`re nitpicking. You know what I

meant.» Stuart held his ground. «And anyway that blowup about

Nabokov—that was out of line, Pam. You bad–mouth his hero, and

then you praise someone else who borrows Schopenhauer`s words.

What`s so wrong with Philip setting you straight? What`s the big

crime with his pointing out Schopenhauer`s priority?»

«I gotta say something,” said Tony. «As usual I don`t know

who these dudes are—at least not Nabo...Nobo?

«Nabokov,” said Pam, in the soft voice she reserved for

Tony. «He`s a great Russian writer. You may have heard of his

novelLolita. ”

«Yeah, I saw that. Well, in this kind of talk I get into a

vicious circle—not knowing makes me feel stupid, then I clam up,

and then I feel more stupid. I`ve got to keep trying to break that

pattern by speaking out.» He turned to Julius: «So to answer your

question about feelings,that`s one feeling—stupid. Another is that

for one instant, when he said, ‘Is that vague enough for you?` I got

a glimpse of Philip`s teeth—and they`re sharp teeth, real sharp.

And some other feelings toward Pam,” Tony turned to face her,

«Pam, you`re my girl—I really dig you, but I`ll tell you

something:I sure don`t want to get on your bad side. ”

«I hear you,” said Pam.

«And, and...” said Tony, «I forgot the most important thing

I was going to say—that this whole argument has gotten us off the

track. We were talking about how we might be protecting or

avoiding you, Julius. Then with Pam and Philip we got off the

topic quick. So aren`t we avoiding you again?»

«You know, I don`t feel that now. When we work as

intimately as we`re doing now, we never stay on a single trail. The

stream of thought keeps overflowing into new channels. And,

incidentally,” Julius turned to Philip, «I use that term—

intimately—quite deliberately. I think your anger—which we see

breaking through here for the first time—is truly a sign of

intimacy. I think you care enough about Pam to be angry at her.»

Julius knew Philip would not answer on his own and nudged

him. «Philip?»

Shaking his head, Philip replied, «I don`t know how to

assess your hypothesis. But there is something else I want to say. I

confess that, like Pam, I also have been looking for comforting or

at least relevant things to say to you. I have followed

Schopenhauer`s practice of ending each day reading from the

works of Epictetus or from the Upanishads.» Philip glanced in

Tony`s direction. «Epictetus was a Roman philosopher of the

second century, and the Upanishads are an ancient sacred Hindu

text. The other night I read a passage from Epictetus that I thought

would be of value, and I`ve made copies of it. I`ve translated it

loosely from the Latin into current vernacular.» Philip reached into

his briefcase, handed out copies to each member, and then, eyes

closed, recited the passage from memory.

When, on a sea voyage, the ship is brought to anchor, you go

out to fetch water and gather a few roots and shells by the way.

But you always need to keep your mind fixed on the ship, and

constantly to look around, lest at any time the master of the

ship call, and you must heed that call and cast away all those

things, lest you be treated like the sheep that are bound and

thrown into the hold.

So it is with human life also. And if there be available

wife and children instead of shells and roots, nothing should

hinder us from taking them. But if the master call, run to the

ship, forsaking all those things, and without looking behind.

And if thou be in old age, go not far from the ship at any time,

lest the master should call, and thou be not ready.

Philip ended and held out his arms as though to say, «There

it is.»

The group studied the passage. They were bewildered. Stuart

broke the silence, «I`m trying, but, Philip, I don`t get it. What`s the

value of this for Julius? Or for us?»

Julius pointed to his watch. «Sorry to say we`re out of time.

But let me be teacherly and make one point. I often view a

statement or act from two different points of view—from

itscontent and from itsprocess —and byprocess I meanwhat it tells

us about the nature of the relationship between the parties

involved. Like you, Stuart, I don`t immediately understand

thecontent of Philip`s message: I`ve got to study it, and maybe the

content can be a topic in another meeting. But I know something

about theprocess. What I know, Philip, is that you, like Pam, were

thinking about me, wanted to give me a gift, and you went to some

lengths to do it: you memorized the passage and you made copies.

And the meaning of that? It`s got to reflect your caring about me.

And what do I feel about it? I`m touched, I appreciate it, and I look

forward to the time when you can express your caring in your own

words.»