The Upside of Unrequited

20

PATTY AND NADINE ARE ALL about the sleepover. I think they’d be twitchy if it was just Mina. I guess they recognize the rest of us for the vag-blockers we are.

I don’t even think they worry about me around boys. So, that’s a little sad.

Anyway, Nadine digs out some old sleeping bags from the linen closet, which is essentially an official endorsement. Mina’s eyebrows shoot up. “Your parents are so cool.”

“So are yours!” says Cassie.

“Mine are like low-key cool,” Mina says. “Not this cool. Do your parents let you drink?”

Cassie and I glance at each other. “Not technically,” she says.

Mina bites her lip. “Should I tell the boys not to bring vodka?”

“We’ll be discreet.” Cassie grins, and my heart beats faster. I’ve never felt quite so seventeen.

We carpet Cassie’s floor in sleeping bags. Our entire upstairs used to be an attic, so the rooms aren’t exactly huge. Cassie’s isn’t the biggest, but it feels like it is, because it’s the only room where the ceiling peaks high enough to fit the bunk beds.

Mina stays for dinner, and Nadine has picked up those giant double-fried Korean chicken wings from Bonchon to impress her. And honestly, I can’t decide if it’s a sweet effort, or if we’re wading into Grandma Betty territory. But Mina laughs it off. “That’s awesome,” she says.

“Well, we think you’re awesome,” Nadine replies.

But everyone’s acting awkward. Except Xavier, who’s doing drum solos on his high-chair tray with a plastic spoon. But the rest of us. I can’t explain it.

“So, who’s coming tonight?” Patty asks. “Olivia . . . ?”

“And Will and Max and Reid,” Cassie says.

“That’s a lot of dudes,” Nadine says.

We’re all silent for a moment.

“Yes,” Cassie says finally.

“So, are you guys feeling ready for the wedding?” Mina asks.

“I think so.” Nadine shrugs. “It’s very casual. We’ve got about thirty-five people coming, so it’s just about making sure we feed everyone.”

“And we’ll have kosher, gluten-free, vegan, everything,” Patty adds.

There’s another random silence. I don’t even know why. Maybe we haven’t found our rhythm with Mina.

“And our nephew is arranging the table and chair rentals,” Patty says.

“Isaac?” I ask. That’s Abby’s brother, and I’m having trouble picturing him on the phone with a wedding rental facility. He’s ridiculously smart—smart enough to get a full scholarship to Howard. But he loves to party, and not in the way that involves rented Chiavari chairs.

“He has hidden depths,” Nadine says.

“Maybe we should have a backup plan.”

“Right, what’s the plan if it rains?” Mina asks. “My mom was wondering that.” She takes a bite of her chicken wing and puts it down, reaching for her napkin.

“Our plan is to deny the possibility of rain,” Nadine says. And Xavier bangs his tray loudly, as if to add an exclamation point.

Everyone comes over after dinner, and I cannot get my mind to simmer down about this. Spending the night in Cassie’s room, with everyone. With Reid. I’m not entirely sure how to navigate this. I’m a certain version of myself when I’m around Reid. And I’m a different version when I’m around Mina’s friends. I’m not good at collisions of worlds. I feel jittery and on edge.

“This is a cool neighborhood,” Will says. “I’m jealous you can walk to the Metro.”

“It’s definitely convenient.” Cassie settles in next to Mina on the floor, their backs against the bedframe. Everyone’s leaning against something: Will and Max against the drawers of Cassie’s desk, Olivia against the door, and Reid and me against the wall. We’re all in a rectangle on the outer edges of the floor—but if we stretched our legs out, I think everyone’s feet would touch.

Will unzips his famous man-purse and pulls out a bottle of vodka—it’s the fancy kind, with frosted glass and a blue top. I have no idea how he gets all this booze. Maybe he has a fake ID. Maybe everyone does except me. I feel like I’m in a movie.

Cassie has a carton of orange juice from the Co-op, and the first thing she does is pour some into a big plastic cup. That’s Cassie’s favorite hack. If you make enough room, you can mix vodka right into the carton.

“I’ll drink that,” I say quickly. “I’ll have the plain cup.”

“Can I share it?” asks Reid, and I smile up at him. I had a feeling he wouldn’t drink.

But everyone else does, even Olivia. And it’s funny. I never really imagined myself as a person who would go to a boozy slumber party. Or a boozy house party. And definitely not both in one week. But I guess that’s the thing about being seventeen. You never know what you’ll do until you do it.

“So, guess what I read today,” Cassie says. “Did you know orgasms strengthen your core?”

“Sweet.” Max pumps his fist.

Olivia bites her lip. “I’ve never had an orgasm.”

And here’s the funny thing: when she says it, I actually feel this twinge of envy. Not because she’s never had an orgasm (which, go figure. Evan Schulmeister). I mean, it’s probably obvious that I haven’t either. And lack of orgasms aren’t something to envy. But I wish I were the kind of person who could just admit it out loud.

“Olivia,” Cassie says. “You are missing out.”

Does that even need to be said? It’s an orgasm.

“But I hear it’s like sneezing,” Olivia adds.

“Orgasms?” Cassie laughs. “Says who?”

“Says the internet.”

“Is that why you used to sniff cumin powder all the time?” Cassie asks.

“Scientific inquiry.”

Mina giggles. “Olivia, you are so cute.”

“You know what it’s like?” Cassie says suddenly. She leans back, her arm draped around the bedframe. “It’s like Super Mario Brothers. It’s like when Mario eats the leaf, and then he runs and runs and then he’s flying.” She zips her hand up into the air.

Will and Max start laughing so hard I think they both might choke. But Olivia looks reflective. “That’s sort of beautiful,” she says.

“Olivia, that’s not what it’s like. Orgasms are not like video games,” Max says.

“Oh, okay. You’re the expert. I’m sure you’re the only person in the world who’s ever had one.” Cassie rolls her eyes.

So, I’m a little freaked out. This whole conversation is making me unravel. Sometimes I think I’m the last virgin left in the entire universe. Everyone else is having incomprehensible amounts of sex. Everyone’s naked and touching and kissing. Except me. I know it’s not true. But that’s how it feels.

Will chugs his drink with a giant gulp, and immediately refills it. “Don’t you dare get sloppy drunk,” Cassie warns him.

“I’m not drunk.”

She narrows her eyes at him.

“Look,” he says, pulling up onto his feet. “Want me to walk in a straight line?”

He walks in a straight line, directly toward me.

“See. Perfectly sober.” And then he slides down the wall next to me. Right beside me—one entire side of his body is pressed against mine. And Reid’s on my other side. Honestly, it’s kind of thrilling, being sandwiched between two boys. Even though I don’t like Will. Not like I like Reid.

Will asks if Cassie can turn on some music, and then he leans in to ask me what I want to listen to. It feels like a test.

“Florence and the Machine,” I say uncertainly.

“Ah.” He nods, and it’s impossible to read his expression. This is a little overwhelming. Cassie puts on the Florence + the Machine album, and then everyone starts talking about sex again.

“Okay. I have a theory,” Reid says, leaning toward me.

“A theory.”

“Yes.” He pauses, and lowers his voice to a whisper. “I think they’re all virgins. I think everyone is full of it.”

I turn to smile at him. “Oh, really?”

He nods emphatically. “It’s a huge conspiracy. I think everyone insinuates they’re having sex, but really they’re just at home on the internet.”

“Telling all their internet friends how much sex they’re having,” I add.

“Exactly.” He smiles.

“Okay, but how do we explain pregnancy?”

“Immaculate conceptions.”

“Hey.” Will nudges me. “What are you whispering about?” And then he gently grabs my wrist and cradles it in the palm of his hand. He seems strangely intrigued by the texture of my friendship bracelets, tracing his fingertips along their knots and ridges. I feel suddenly short of breath.

“Who are these from?” Will asks.

“My cousin.” I swallow. “Abby. She’s my best friend.”

“Let me guess. She has matching ones.”

“Maybe. Definitely.”

I feel Reid watching me, watching Will, and I almost think he might be jealous. I mean, I could be imagining it. But I just have that feeling. And it’s not a bad feeling.

I am definitely, definitely a shitty person.

Later, when we settle into our sleeping bags, I’m in between Reid and Will again. And Will scoots up extra close beside me—so close that I don’t know how I’ll get up to go to the bathroom without jostling him. That thought alone makes me have to pee, urgently, but I don’t want to move.

I’m lying next to Hipster Will.

And Reid.

I don’t think my heart wants to stay in my chest.

I wake to the sound of rustling fabric—Will rolling over. Though he’s still passed out and snoring softly, his lips slightly parted, and Max is curled up in a ball next to him. Cassie and Mina are tangled up in blankets on the top bunk.

But the bottom bunk is crisply made. I guess Olivia’s up. And Reid’s sleeping bag is empty, too.

I have this sudden jolt of fear, but I try to shake it off.

I slip out of my sleeping bag and stop by the bathroom—and then I walk quietly past Xavier’s room and down the stairs. The living room light is on, but only dimly. When I look through the doorway, I see two heads of rumpled hair over the back of the couch. Sitting very close.

“Hi.” I step into the room. My brain is buzzing.

“Oh, hi!” Reid says. And I could be imagining this, but I swear he looks startled. Maybe even guilty.

Olivia smiles up at me. And she’s practically tucked into him.

I feel numb.

“Have you guys been up for long?” I ask slowly. I perch on the armrest of the couch.

“Maybe an hour?” Reid says. “We’ve just been hanging out.”

I’m trying not to stare at them. I’m trying. But I have to take inventory. Olivia’s under a blanket, and I can’t see her hands. I can’t see his either.

Numb. Or maybe the opposite of numb.

They’re holding hands under the blanket. I’m almost sure they are. Which is bullshit and extremely uncool. Not that I care who Reid likes. I should not fucking care. And I don’t. I don’t care.

Except, then Olivia stretches, her hands clasped together, and I almost sigh with relief.

They’re not holding hands.

That’s good.

I need to catch my breath.

“I was just telling Reid about the different types of lenses,” Olivia says.

“Yes. Apparently there are lenses. And you can pop them off the camera.”

“Apparently, cameras exist outside of iPhones.” Olivia grins.

Reid’s dimple flickers. “So you claim.”

I can’t stay here. I can’t watch this.

“I should get dressed,” I say.

Imagine if getting dressed took five hours. Because that’s how long I spend in my bedroom. If I could stay in there forever, I would.

But eventually, Patty appears in the doorway. “Do you have a minute?”

I’m in bed. And I do not have a minute. Today’s schedule is devoted entirely to Facebook—Reid Wertheim became friends with Olivia Lambert—and checking my phone for missed texts. Of which there are none. Of fucking course.

But I shrug. And when Patty pushes my door all the way open, I see that Nadine and Cassie are behind her.

“Family meeting,” Nadine announces. “Mind if we sit?”

I shake my head. “Where’s Xav?”

“Mina’s watching him.” She scoots onto the foot of my bed, and Patty takes the chair. Cassie slides in next to me and hugs my pillow to her chest.

“So yeah,” Nadine says. “I’m just going to come out and ask you guys. Was there alcohol last night?”

I feel Cassie stiffen beside me. I don’t say a word.

Nadine purses her lips. “Let’s start with this. Want to explain why Will was puking in our bathroom at four in the morning?”

“He was puking?” asks Cassie.

“Oh yes.”

Cassie shoots me a look. Did you know?

I did not.

A perfect telepathic conversation.

“I had no idea,” Cassie says.

“I’m not asking if you knew. I’m asking if you know why.”

Cassie hugs the pillow tighter and nods. I should deny it. I should point out that I actually just had plain orange juice. This time, anyway.

“I don’t think we have to tell you this is unacceptable.” Patty shakes her head. “We give you girls a lot of leeway.”

“We trusted you,” Nadine interjects.

“I’m sorry,” Cassie says quietly. “This is my fault.”

And maybe this is unfair, but I don’t contest it. Because, yeah. It actually is her fault. She’s the one who invited everyone over. She’s the reason we’re probably about to get grounded forever. And she’s also the reason Olivia and Reid are sending flirty Facebook messages right this minute. Probably. Undoubtedly.

I’m not going to cry.

“Molly, we need to hear from you, too,” Patty says.

“What do you want me to say?” I feel my eyes prickling, and I shake my head fast. “If you’re going to ground us, just ground us.”

“Excuse me?” Nadine says.

“Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it. You want my phone? Here.” My voice cracks. “I don’t care.”

“You know what? No. That’s not how we’re doing this. You want to drink like an adult? Fine. Then you’re going to sit here and discuss it like an adult.”

“Yeah. I’m sitting here.” I fold my arms.

“Molly,” Cassie whispers. I turn away abruptly.

Patty scoots the chair closer. “Molly, what’s going on? Talk to us.”

My thoughts are racing. I can’t seem to catch hold of them.

“I guess I don’t get why this is such a big fucking deal?” I trip a little over the curse word. “We’ll be in college in a year. We’re turning eighteen in five months.”

“Which means you get to drink and sneak around?” Nadine’s voice is quiet, but it thunders. “I don’t think so.”

“Why does it matter?” I whip back. “Why does any of this matter?”

It’s like an anvil falling. Everyone stops. Everyone looks at me.

“Uh-uh. What has gotten into you?” Nadine stands.

But I’m too far gone to stop. “Into me? Literally nothing. Nothing’s gotten into me. Nothing happens to me. So maybe you should talk to Cassie. Maybe you should ask her what an orgasm feels like.”

Cassie gapes at me. “Are you kidding me?”

“Molly, that’s not okay—” Nadine starts to say, but I cut her off.

“Whatever. I’m done.” I stand abruptly, pushing past her, out the door, and down the stairs.

Mina steps out of the kitchen, holding Xavier’s hands up while he wanders. “Oh hey,” she says.

I barely return her hello. I don’t even stop to hug Xav. I slip out the door, and I don’t care that it’s drizzling, and I don’t care that I’m in pajamas. I curl up on the steps and take out my phone. I call Abby.

She answers on the first ring. “So funny—I was just talking about you!”

My heart sinks. If she was just talking about me, she’s not alone. Which means I’m about to lose my shit in front of Nick or Simon or one of Abby’s millions of other new best friends. Perfect.

“Molly?” she says.

“Hi.” It comes out like a choke.

“Are you okay? Molly, what happened? Wait, hold on. Let me just . . .” I picture her gesturing to Nick, maybe smiling apologetically. “Okay, I’m heading upstairs. What’s going on?”

I really want to tell her about Reid liking Olivia, but I can’t. Which is ridiculous. I mean, it’s Abby. She’s not going to make fun of me. Except she might. I don’t know. Maybe Cassie told her about Reid. Maybe she told her what Mina said. That sex with Reid is unfathomable. Which means sex with me is probably unfathomable, too. Because nerd sex is a joke. Fat on fat. Dweeb on dweeb. Womp womp womp. And no one seems to see how cute Reid is, except me.

And fucking Olivia.

Reid fucking Olivia.

I seriously want to scream.

“Molly, talk to me. Are you okay?” she asks again.

“I’m okay.”

“No you’re not. What’s going on?”

I need to breathe. I need my lungs to get it together.

“I’m just . . .” Deep breath. “Cassie’s really mad at me. And so are my moms.”

“Okay.” There’s a smile in her voice. “That’s it?”

“It’s not funny.”

“No—oh, Molly. I’m not laughing at you. I’m just—do you know how often Isaac is mad at me? Or my parents? Seriously, my dad is mad at me literally every day. That’s how parents are.”

“Not my parents.”

“That’s because you never screw up.”

“Are you kidding me?”

She laughs. “Well, what happened?”

So I tell her. And, honestly, talking about it makes me feel calmer. I guess the situation is a tiny bit hilarious. I mean, I actually left Cassie there to explain how orgasms feel. To our mothers.

“So Hipster Will blew it for you guys, huh?”

“He totally blew it.”

Abby giggles. “He’s so not getting the Molly makeouts now.”

“Never.”

As if the Molly makeouts are such a hot commodity. As if guys are lining up at my door. I actually hate that expression. Grandma says it sometimes. Like, that’s supposed to be the goal: to have a whole line of guys desperate to date you or have sex with you or whatever the endgame is. Like, I should want to collect boys like Pokémon.

I don’t want that. I don’t want to break hearts. I just want Reid.

It’s scary to even think that.

I want Reid. And maybe I’m crazy, but I was sure he liked me, too. The way he looked at me in that rainstorm. The way he sits a little closer these days. The way he looked at me when I was talking to Will.

I was so sure.

I was so not careful.

And now I know what rejection feels like. It’s a whirlpool of suck.