The Venus Fix

Thirty-Four

Bob stood up suddenly, said he had to go to the men’s room, and walked out of my office. When he’d been gone for five minutes, I called Allison and asked her if he’d left. It had happened before-a patient bolting when a session got too rough to handle.

She hadn’t seen him, and he did return after another few minutes. Silently, he took his place on the couch. His eyes were shut. There was little expression on his face.

“When was the first time you saw a naked woman?” It was a topic I’d wanted to broach for a long time.

“A real woman?”

“Whatever comes to mind.”

“When I was twelve, I found magazines under my father’s bed. Luscious, full-color pictures that made me drool. Those beautiful women, looking at me, lying there naked for me, showing me what I wanted to see-the way they’d make me feel. Christ. That slow burn, the build. I’d hide out in my room and sneak looks at them. I’d leave dinners to go upstairs. Five minutes with the right magazine in one hand and my dick in the other, the sounds of the busy house beyond my door. Is that what you asked me?”

“You’re doing great.”

“My father never seemed to notice when I took his magazines.”

“Do you think he did?”

“I don’t know, but I wish I knew if he was like me.”

“Would it make you feel differently about him?”

“No. About myself.”

“How?”

“But those were just photographs. Nothing like the first real woman I saw naked.” It wasn’t the first time Bob had skipped over a direct question about his feelings, and I didn’t want to stop him to force the issue. “It was at an X-rated theater.” His lips twisted into a smile that was also a grimace. His fingers flexed. “One Friday afternoon when our school let out early, two of my friends took me. They’d been there before and had been telling me about it for weeks. I can still remember how much I wanted to go, even now. This was really doing something bad. It was breaking big rules, and I knew if I got caught I’d be in a shitload of trouble.

“The theater was called the Playpen. It’s still there. All boarded up, but still standing. It had been one of the city’s really grand old movie palaces that had gone out of business. Turned into a smut palace.” His voice had lingered over the last two words almost lovingly. Then he frowned.

I had seen this same kind of pleasure/guilt reaction from other patients. Like them, Bob found both release and a kind of exquisite hell in his addiction. It was a special kind of torture, his orgiastic needs overpowering his morality. The push/pull of his conflicting cravings.

“What a mess it was inside. Grimy and stinking. The rug was worn down to threads. Isn’t it crazy that I can remember the rug? It was dark red.” He shook his head as if his own memory surprised him. I didn’t tell him that it wasn’t unusual for someone to remember minute details of his first sexual encounter.

“The owners had broken up the old screening room and turned it into two smaller theaters-one where they showed the dirty movies, and the other was the live room. That’s where we went. Each of us had our own small booth. I pulled the ratty curtain closed behind me. And then all I could see was the stage.

“She was sitting on a chair, dressed in a tight skirt and a tight sweater and high-heeled shoes. I was hard the minute I saw her. My buddies had told me that everyone pulled it out and jerked off during the show, but I couldn’t believe it was really okay to do that. I’d only done it at home, quickly, while the world was going on around me. Now I had time. And this woman wasn’t on a page of a magazine but staring straight into my eyes.”

He licked his lips. His eyes remained shut. “Can I…do you want me to tell you what happened?”

“Yes, if you want to.”

“She started to strip for us. First her blouse. Then her bra. She had silver pasties covering her nipples. God. I can still see her. Those pasties made her even sexier than if she’d been totally bare. And then she walked over to each booth, one by one, and pressed up against the glass with her breasts. When she got to me, I put my hand out. The smooth feel of that cold glass and the sight of those glorious breasts. Oh, God.

“I couldn’t believe how fast it was over. But then she took off her skirt. Underneath, she was wearing a lace garter belt and stockings. I got hard again. Instantly. That had never happened before. Maybe I’d never given myself a chance before. I was always rushed, afraid someone would knock on my bedroom door. But this was different. She was naked except for those pasties and that garter belt, pressing her body up against the glass. I stood and pressed my cock against the glass, too, and it was almost as if I was fucking her.” He sighed and breathed in deeply. Once. Twice.

“As I said, the theater’s still there, at Forty-fourth and Eighth. A few years ago, someone bought it to turn it into some women’s shelter. Make a statement. There was a legal battle over it and it-” He stopped suddenly. He’d been about to say something and then caught himself. What had he been about to tell me?

“Bob?”

“I read about it. That’s what I was going to say. I read about it and saw a newscast about it and damn if I didn’t get a fucking hard-on just hearing the name of the theater said aloud.”