The Venus Fix

Seventy-Three

The cell where he was being kept was in the Tombs in Lower Manhattan. I’d been there to see patients before, but no one had ever looked more out of place than Alan Leightman did.

“I don’t understand why you’re here. You’re a New York City Supreme Court judge,” I said, once we were sitting across from each other in the visitors’ room.

“I’m a killer, Morgan. That’s why I’m here.” He couldn’t even make eye contact with me when he said it. “I deserve this.” Now he looked at me. That part was true. He didn’t think he was entitled to any comfort or leniency. He was a successful man who believed he was a bad boy and should be punished.

“It was kind of you to come down here. You know, you shouldn’t feel you failed with me.”

“I’m not so sure. My job was to help you see yourself more clearly. To balance the real person you’ve become with the tortured kid you were. To give you the tools to fight your way out of your addiction. I didn’t do any of that. If I had, you wouldn’t be taking the blame for this.”

He looked away from me again. “That’s not what I’m doing.”

“You can’t convince me of that. I met with Kira.”

“That was kind of you. How is she?” He had leaned forward, engaged again. Concerned. More connected to me now.

“I don’t know, Alan. There’s no way for me to measure-I didn’t know her before. But I don’t think she’s doing very well.”

“I want you to be her therapist. I want you to take over.”

“I can’t do that. Technically, you are still my patient. I can’t treat both you and your wife. Besides, she already has a good doctor.”

“You’re sure he’s good enough?”

“Alan, no one is good enough to help Kira with what’s bothering her. She knows that you didn’t kill anyone and she’s racked with guilt that you are doing this to protect her.”

His whole body went rigid. “What are you talking about? Protect her?” He was suddenly nervous, twisting around in his seat, looking behind him, then to the side, then to the other side, checking to see if anyone was listening.

“She wanted to punish you. She wanted you to worry that your addiction had driven her crazy. But what if that’s all she wanted? What if you’re wrong and she didn’t kill those women, either? Did you think this through?”

He started to speak, and then stopped. No matter how much pain Alan had been in when he came to my office, no matter how angry he had been or how ashamed he’d felt, I’d never seen him like this. His strong bone structure seemed to have softened. His eyes, which had expressed wisdom even when they had glazed over with embarrassment, were now filled with hopelessness.

“Alan, why won’t you talk about this with me?”

He searched for the words, speaking with halts between the phrases. “If Kira…if she…whatever she had to do…everything is my fault. I won’t explain it any more than that. Don’t ask me to. Don’t ask her to. This is just how it has to be, Morgan.”

“Your wife is sick over what you’ve done.”

He nodded. “What wife wouldn’t be sick to find out her husband had murdered three young women?”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“I don’t want to talk about what you mean.”

Somewhere someone cackled and let out a string of expletives. Neither of us tried to talk over it.

“I have put men here,” he said.

Our eyes locked.

“Alan, you don’t belong here.”

“How do you know? Don’t you see? I’m where I need to be. There is evidence on my computer that I visited those women. Evidence on those women’s computers that I contacted them. That I asked them to use those tainted products. If I didn’t do this, Dr. Snow, who else but my wife could have used my e-mail account? Who else knew that I visited those sites? That I had, indeed, watched those women over and over.”

“But what if you are wrong? What if she’s just trying to make you think she did it. What if-”

“Dr. Snow, listen to me.” His voice was low and urgent. “There is proof on my computer that I visited those sites on days and times when I did not go there. Clearly Kira went there. She followed my trail. She watched those women. I told you that weeks ago. There is proof on those women’s computers that I sent them e-mail asking them to use the items that were poisoned. What don’t you understand about what I’m telling you?”

I ignored the sarcastic snipe. The pressure he was under excused him.

“Alan, do you understand that the police won’t keep working this case as long as you are here? If your wife didn’t do this, and if you didn’t do this, then there’s someone out there who did kill those women. I know what I’m asking of you, but what if I’m right? What if you go to jail and I’m right and whoever has done this does it again? Then you really will have someone’s blood on your hands. You’ll be a judge responsible for a murder. How will you live with that?”

He shook his head. “And what if you are wrong? What would happen if Kira went on trial? Can you imagine what that would do to her? To her reputation? Her stature? Her sanity? It’s been hard on her. She’s given up so much to be Kira Rushkoff, Esquire.” His voice was pleading again. “She doesn’t have anything left to give up.

“What happened to your wrist?” he asked, suddenly noticing my arm.

I shrugged. “I slipped.”

“Is it broken?”

I nodded.

“It will heal. In six, seven weeks.” There was a weight to his words. And he was looking off into the distance as if he could see the day when my cast would come off and he knew where he would be by then, what would have happened to him.

“You can’t talk to the police about any of this. You understand that, don’t you? No matter how sure you are of what you think, I will not allow it. You do not want to test me on this, do you understand?”

“Are you threatening me, Alan? Are you trying to scare me?”

“If that’s what it takes, yes. You will not discuss this with anyone. Is that understood?”

“Do you have Terry Meziac following me?”

Like his wife had done earlier that day, Alan stopped answering.

The frustration I felt made me want to scream and cry at the same time. “I want you to know I had no intention of talking to anyone without your consent. You didn’t have to scare me, too. But you have.”

And then for the first time since I’d gotten there, I saw Alan’s mouth lift. His smile was the saddest I’d ever seen.

“Call him off, Alan. I won’t bother you anymore. You’re on your own.”