Thread of Hope

TWENTY-SEVEN

Elizabeth had been gone for exactly twenty days the last time I’d been in Bazer’s office.

I dropped a newspaper on his desk. “What the fuck is this?”

Bazer ignored the paper and stared at me. “Sit down, Joe. You look exhausted.”

I was beyond exhausted. I’d slept maybe twenty hours in the twenty days since Elizabeth had disappeared. I’d barely been able to stomach food. Showering had become a near impossible task. I was fried and I knew it.

But that morning’s paper had lit a brand new fire under me.

I sat, my hands shaking. “What the fuck is going on, Lieutenant?”

He scanned the newspaper and his mouth set in a firm line. “I can’t control the media, Joe.”

“You didn’t deny that I’m a suspect in my daughter’s disappearance.” My voice cracked on the accusation, my throat dry and raw. “You told me I wasn’t. Did you lie to me?”

Bazer set the paper down and folded it in half, as if hiding the article would make it go away. He could have set it on fire and eaten the ashes and I knew that I’d never forget that paper for the rest of my life.

Lauren and I had agreed-we wanted media coverage of Elizabeth’s disappearance. We felt that the more people were talking about her, the more times her face was seen, the better the chance that we would see her again. We also knew that doing so would open us up to scrutiny, but we were prepared for that. We hadn’t done anything wrong and we just wanted our daughter back.

But that morning’s story had rattled me.

“I told you,” Bazer said. “You are not a suspect. We know that you didn’t have anything to do with Elizabeth’s disappearance.”

I stood, slamming my fist on his desk so hard the floor rattled. “Then why didn’t you say that?”

The paper had quoted Bazer as saying in direct response to a reporter’s question regarding my status: “The investigation is ongoing and no one has been ruled out as a suspect.” The article reiterated that I was an officer in the Coronado PD and that Bazer, when pressed, declined further comment.

“You know how it works,” Bazer said, nudging the paper in my direction.

“Yeah, I do know how it works,” I said. “And you didn’t clear me when you had the chance. So what the hell is going on?”

Bazer rubbed at his chin, eyeing me. “Sit down, Joe.”

“No.”

“That’s an order, Officer Tyler,” he said, his face icing over. “Sit.”

I did.

“Have you given any more thought to what we talked about a couple of days ago?” he asked.

My mind was like a blender, a million things running through it at once and I couldn’t sort any of them. “Any more thought to what?”

“To stepping down while we look for Elizabeth.”

“No.”

“I need you to think about it, Joe, because…”

“I meant, no, I’m not taking a leave of absence, Lieutenant.” I was adamant.

He’d approached me a week earlier, suggesting that I take some time off. I’d immediately rejected the idea. I’d gone ten straight days without working from the moment Elizabeth disappeared and I quickly learned that every free moment was an invitation to drag a razor across my wrists. I’d flooded my mind with theories, second thoughts and nightmares and the last thing I needed was more idle time.

“Joe, I really think…”

“I’m fine, Lieutenant. I don’t want time off. I’m fine.”

“You know that I can make the decision myself, don’t you?” Bazer said, tilting his head, squinting at me like I was difficult to see. “I can send you home right now and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.”

“I’m fine.” I knew I sounded like a broken record.

“If I suspend you, do you know what that will look like?” Bazer continued. “Do you understand how that will look for you?”

I shifted in the chair, placing my hands on my thighs, willing them to stop shaking. “I am fine, Lieutenant.”

“I’m trying to help you, Joe.”

I didn’t want to keep repeating myself, so I didn’t say anything.

Bazer blinked several times and rubbed harder at his chin. “I saw you arguing with Elizabeth.”

The ticking clock on the wall suddenly intensified, sounding like a jackhammer. “What?”

“Two weeks before she disappeared,” he said, watching me. “At the beach. I was driving by. Early evening.”

I thought hard, mentally flipping through recent images of Elizabeth like there was a rolodex in my head. I stopped on one and the muscles in my stomach clenched.

She and I had gone down to the beach for a walk, waiting for Lauren to get home for dinner. Elizabeth had run ahead of me, a little further than normal, then detoured into the surf. I didn’t mind her stepping into the water, even in the colder months. Like me, she loved the water and had a high tolerance for low temperatures.

What I did mind was that she went out further than she was allowed and had been immediately taken off her feet by a strong rip current.

I sprinted down the beach, bounded into the water and fished her out before the current yanked her out into the bay. I carried her up the sand to the sidewalk. She was a shivering, crying mess and I should’ve waited to reprimand her. But seeing her go down in the water had scared the shit out of me. My adrenaline was up and I was mad at her for being so reckless.

I stood her up on the sidewalk and unloaded my anger, the water and her tears forming a puddle on the concrete.

One more moment that I wished I could have back.

I pulled myself back to the present. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Papers get hold of that,” he said slowly. “It’ll spin the focus toward you and the department and it’ll take the focus off of finding Elizabeth.”

My fingertips tingled and my body felt light, like I might float out of the chair. “What the hell are you saying?”

“I’m saying I want you to take some time off. It’ll be good for everyone.”

The ticking clock became a jet engine as I replayed our conversation in my head. Then, the lightbulb went off. “This isn’t about me, is it? It’s about the department.”

He hesitated. “I didn’t say that.”

“Yeah, you did,” I said, nodding. “You don’t like the attention my daughter’s disappearance is bringing to your department.”

Bazer stayed quiet.

“And you tried to leverage me into stepping away by pointedly not clearing me as a suspect.” My gut rolled and my fingers dug into thighs. “And now you’re threatening me, not even fucking around. I don’t leave, you tell some reporter that ‘an anonymous’ source saw me having it out with Elizabeth shortly before she disappeared. Maybe spice it up a little, too? Maybe I hit her? Maybe throw that out there?”

If Bazer was moved by anything I’d said, he didn’t show it. Just knotted his hands on top of his desk. “I think a leave would be good for everyone.”

I unclipped the badge from my shirt and dropped it on the desk. I unbuckled my belt and let it and my weapon fall to the floor. “Fuck you, Lieutenant.”

I walked out of his office.

And the story about me screaming at my daughter before she vanished showed up in the next morning’s paper, anyway.